Settling in

Another Saturday and another day spent sorting and unpacking things in the summer heat. Settling in to my new life is going to take time.

On the whole, I am enjoying coming in from work and having my dinner cooked for me. No need to decide what to cook or eat, no worries. And yet, I am not sure that is how I want my life to be. Nor, will it be like this as we move forward. I had a slight moment on Wednesday when I panicked about having no role. But in truth it is part of readjusting to life as it is now. Anyway, within a month things will be different.

I am now in the final month of my notice period. I have begun to sort files, delete old stuff and tie up loose ends. Luckily the person taking on my job is someone I know and work with so the hand over should be straight forward. The good byes will be more difficult and the leaving do a little poignant. We are going to look at a possible venue after work on Monday, my birthday.

Moving on

This month really is one of good byes and moving on to a new life. Yesterday was my mother in law’s funeral. For the first time in 4 or 5 years, I saw my father in law and my ex’s family. While a sad occasion, as she died suddenly, it was also pleasant. I enjoyed seeing everyone and chatting to people I was once quite close to. I came away feeling that this was all part of ending my old life and moving on to the new one. Another part of settling in.

Perhaps things happen as they do for a reason.

So, to this blog.

For the whole time I have been writing it, the blog has been about a journey. About self discovery, about moving on and finding my place in the world. Latterly it has been about finding my slave place, about our sex and kink life.

There is still more of that to do, but this feels like a defining time for me. Will the focus of the blog change? Will I write about different things? What do I actually want to write about?

The past month has been a whirlwind of a time. We have been so busy that there has been precious little sex and kink. There has been no real time to write the blog, even if I had felt inclined. Now though I need to get myself back on track, probably through some of the memes.

Please though, dear reader, bear with me while I find my new place. While I am settling in to my new role, find time and the words to write.

I sense there will be exciting times and lots to say.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

New life

I feel embarrassed that I have written nothing of any note on my blog during the whole of July. Today, it is already 26th and other than 3 sinful Sunday posts, nothing.

But, I have excuses, good ones.

This week our new life together has begun. As of Tuesday this week, two whole days ago, we are co-habiting here in His house. That is to say I have a new home and it is going to take some getting used to.

The past few weeks have passed in a blur. Earlier in the month I hired a skip. My brother and son came over and we spent a day filling it with things in the house that were surplus to requirement. It was a big skip and there was a lot of stuff. It was a happy, fulfilling weekend and I was satisfied at the end of it that I was on track.

Then I got ill. I followed advice on the NHS website, delayed seeking medical help and then was denied antibiotics. Apparently I didn’t have an infection. Except I did. So, I lost a week from work, from preparing to move and from being able to do much at all.

Last weekend then turned into a mad rush of packing the last things, then getting ready for the actual move.

He and I have worn ourselves out this week. The temperatures have been stupidly hot and we have had no time to enjoy the weather. Tuesday went smoothly but at the end we were exhausted and I went back to work on Wednesday.

This weekend we can take stock. Unpack and properly get ourselves sorted. It will be a little while before I am ready to blog properly again. There is much I want to and will say, but not yet. However, we are here and we are here together. Our new life together has begun.

Packing

This is in the main a sex and  lifestyle blog but I am going to make no excuses for the fact that over the next few weeks much navel gazing will take place. I have around four weeks before I move from my home of 27 years and my emotions are a little raw. This post marks the fact I have begun the packing process.

I began to prepare for this moment last year. A fair amount of decluttering took place, but I like to keep some things close to me. Personal things that define me, my life and the family we have been. These include books, photos and CDs. Even though my entire catalogue of music is held on iTunes, I also have most of it in CD. There is music I have deleted from that collection because it might have been hubby’s preference but certainly not mine. It turns out that deleting digital records are less meaningful than giving up a CD.

It feels as if I am starting with the most difficult things first. Emotionally that is. for practical reasons I am beginning with the things i don’t physically need but tonight realised that this packing lark isn’t as straight forward as I imagined.

I have placed our photo albums and packets of photos in a pile. Much of that isn’t online anywhere and we will need to discuss who owns what. The CDs felt like an easy place to start. To some extent it is, he loves Motown, Whitney Houston, Barry White and so on. I have tastes that include The Beautiful South, REM and Robbie Williams. But there is significant overlap and so as I packed CDs I became incrementally indecisive.

Of course, he might decide that he wants none of the CDs, he may want to let me take all of our photos. There are books that I know belong to him, including some from childhood. Maybe he won’t want them either. Time will tell.

I might have been a little blasé about moving on from my marriage. After all, we have had enough time to think about it. But these decisions about who owns what will carry through to the bitter and. And we haven’t even got to the difficult stuff yet!

Release

The photo for this week’s wicked Wednesday feels very poignant and so I am using it here. After 6 years of writing my blog, of sometimes living a lie but mostly waiting I will soon be free. A butterfly about to be released, to fly away.

My husband was unfaithful to me within 2 or 3 years of our marriage. A relationship that continued for 7 years. After I found out and came to terms with the reality. After also the decision was  made to continue with the marriage I made a deal with myself. Essentially I decided if, by the time my son (who was about 3 or 4 at the time) had grown up, I wasn’t happy, I would leave the marriage. For many years I forgot about it and just lived in the moment, it wasn’t as if we were always unhappy because we weren’t.

But the memories sat on my shoulder and every now and then something happened or words were spoken that reminded me. And one day soon after my son, now grown up, left for university I realised that the time had come.

I felt trapped. The good daughter wife and mother who realised she was living a lie.

Fast forward

Today, about 7 years later and 5 since I was first unfaithful to my husband I am preparing to break free. At last.

If I had my life over again I would do things differently, maybe.

I stayed in the marriage because I thought it was the right thing for my son and because I was scared. It took me years to build the confidence to explore and to become the person I am. Maybe too, the person I needed to be with also had to be in the right place, right time.

Within a month I will have moved from my home of 27 years. I will be with my lover, my Master, the man I want to be with. In 9 weeks I will have left my job and have some space, to be me.

Meantime there is a lot to do. Life is going to be busy and tiring. I am probably going to struggle to cope and will probably say and do things that might later be regretted. Though I hope not.

It is time for me to be me. The future beckons and if I just flap my wings enough I will be that butterfly with the wind in her wings. Ready to land in my new home. With Master.

Footnote:

This came up on my repeat posts on Twitter today. Looking back defining moment

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Blogging update – moving on from the past (first ever photo post?)

Blogging update – moving on from the past

Last Sunday I finally got around to moving my blog. Just over two years ago, when it looked as if Blogger was going to ban sex related sites, I bought my own domain. I searched for and read about hosting, WordPress etc and planned to move. I worked out how to move posts across and even successfully managed to do so. Then following a public outcry Google had second thoughts. I couldn’t work out how to make my blogger blog redirect to my self hosted one, so I just gave up. Periodically I returned to look, once more I moved posts across, but still I couldn’t work out how to redirect.

A few weeks ago I received an email to tell me that my domain name was up for renewal. Should I let it go or try again? Always up for a challenge, I decided to give it one more go. So last weekend I spend time that could have been put to better use, working on the move. After much trial and error I got everything across, including photos and links. Then I managed the redirect. Somehow I then managed to re-import the posts and ended up having to manually trawl through and delete about 750 posts.

But after linking my Sinful Sunday post for last week, I heard from Molly that she had spotted a security problem. Somehow I had set up the blog with a url ending in /blog and if you typed .com  you landed at my C panel. Thankfully @DomSigns was able to help out with the technical details so by Friday I was up and running. I am really grateful for Molly and Michael’s help, without which i don’t think I would have been able to get this far.

Then, just as I got to the point where I might be able to concentrate on new material I managed to mess things up again. Having installed a plug in to delete duplicates I somehow managed to delete all the tags and categories in the entire blog. The past couple of days have been spent categorising everything, starting with this past week backwards and then today from the beginning.

Reading about a long left behind relationship has left me with mixed thoughts. Firstly, I had forgotten just how much I had written in those early days. As I explored new experiences I wrote copiously. I embraced the rules he laid down enthusiastically, if perhaps blindly. I enjoyed the times we had, but now recognise he was probably using me. His marriage had ended and he saw me as an opportunity to explore his kinky side.

5 years on, I am faced with a dilemma. I have no desire to remove that part of my life from this blog, but I wonder if those posts need to be characterised in the way they were? As I reviewed them I know labelled them differently. But should I be more radical and create an “archive” category and then move on?

The past is important, after all it made me the person I am today but I need to move forwards. I am in another relationship, one that everyone knows about. I am a slave and Master is my owner. We know pretty much everything  about each other, both positive and negative. I recognise the things that are important, I need to move on. Moving my blog is the right thing for me. I will have greater freedom about what and how I write. But it will also allow me to let go of the past. There is great value in that.

The image below was the first I posted of me on my blog in 2012. He loved me to dress up in that kind of way and I has fun doing so. But that was then and I think I prefer the way Master likes me to dress for him now. The maid will be consigned to the archives after today along with that part of my blog.

 

WTF?

This afternoon I sat in a room with the person who was my manager in 2012, we had a great chat about our working lives then and now. We both agreed that we worked in a toxic environment then and are happy to be where we are now.  The meeting finished just after 4 and since I had driven there I made my way home. Given that last evening I spent time looking at posts from 4 years ago that conversation feels relevant.  It took me back, once again to the place and person I was in 2012.  person who I know is different to the one I am now.

Arriving home tonight around 5.15, I know that he would pitch up pretty soon and is as is usual the ex turned up at around 5.30. Apparently my texts to him are too direct, I need to start my sentences with: “would you mind if” and some such. But this is how it is.

He takes a shower in our house every night since his lady friend has a 1970’s style bath, no shower. He hates a bath and hasn’t sat in one for years. Obviously he hasn’t been to the kind of places I have where they have a wonderful spa bath, or tried candles, bubbles and sparking wine at home (though let it not be this home)

Discussions were cordial but to  be frank this particular statement stuck in my mind:
“I still own half of this house, I pay £80 each month. I pay for Sky TV”
As I told him £80 is nothing in comparison to the mortgage, utility bills, council tax…….In excess of £600. If he didn’t pay the Sky TV bill I would cut it off. Who needs satellite TV (other than Master using the mobile app that comes with hubby’s deal to watch cricket) any way?
Then there is the apartment in France for which he pays nothing. Meanwhile for the past 3 years he has enjoyed 2 holidays a year, for the price of the flights.
I need to get out of this situation and to leave him to it. Really! WTF?

Looking back, looking forwards

From time to time I have a look back at what I might have written this week or month in previous years on this blog. This morning, prompted by a photo of my then very old and now deceased and Renault Clio’s odometer passing the 100,000 mile mark, I looked back on the Blog to this week in 2012.

I started to write a retrospective post, but struggled. Did I really want to look back an re live what I was feeling then? The negativity of that period shone through with abundance. My ex was a very negative figure in my life during that period, but actually so was S my so called Dom at that time. At the same time, I was given notice that I would potentially lose my job at the end of that financial year.

I did lose my job,  but the sky did not fall on me, I have a better, more well paid job now. S and I limped along for quite some time after, but if I look back on the blog posts at the time and subsequently it was clear to see that it would never work. At the time, it might have seemed that I was giving up 30 years of marriage for something that S would never offer me, and of course did not. As for hubby, well there was a whole lot of negativity to some, not least the weekend in Germany when it subsequently transpired that he met his now partner. Not that he has ever accepted to me that is what and who she is.

Sadly it is around Christmas 2012 that I can trace a change in my relationship with my son, who I had previously been so close to. I failed to understand that I needed to be open with him about the change in my relationship with his dad, but hopefully conversations since then have helped him to understand life is not quite that simple.

It was to be another year before Master and I encountered each other online and subsequently met in real life. But the signs of my need for this kind of relationship was there.

Whatever other mistakes I have made in my life, I know that while it is important to recognise where you have come from, it is much more important to understand where you are going.

Look back briefly, but keep your eyes on the future.

This weekend my son and his girlfriend started with us, as they prepare to move into their own home and I continue to prepare to leave, this our family home after over 25 years. It is time to look forward and not back. It is easy to reminisce but to be frank I don’t think I will be writing about the past too much any more.

Random stuff

This weekend we have made some significant progress towards being ready to sell my house. I hired a skip and Master and I spent yesterday mainly filling it with stuff from the garden. My ex was fantastic at moving and removing things but often anything that he didn’t want to put into his car and take away to the recycling centre he just dumped it into the garden. All of that stuff has been removed, along with any over hanging bush or tree. There is still time to add more stuff to the pile but already I feel closer to my final destination.

Last night I did something which in hindsight was stupid. I messaged Master’s former slave to ask if she was ok. What I received, after an affirmative response was something of a rant. Apparently He lied to her, He treated her badly, He only got divorced because it is me he is with now and not her (rubbish as his ex initiated it as I had already told her). The funny thing is that while message after message came through to my phone, I was busy elsewhere. Instructed to kneel before Him and take His cock in my mouth.  It was only this morning that I read back what she had written. I have now taken her off of my Facebook and messenger and won’t make the same mistake!

Kneeling at His feet last night, naked I took Master’s cock in my mouth and was instructed not to suck. Holding that wonderful organ in my mouth without sucking it in was difficult. But at those moments when His control over me is paramount I tend to follow instructions to the letter.

My compliance is less so when we are apart. I have a set of rules to follow, but don’t always comply. Why is that? Probably, I need that day by day attention, need to be made to focus on my role and purpose. That is just one of the reasons that I am concentrating on the job in hand, in getting myself ready to move in with Master.

Just one reason. I love the closeness we have now. I love that we can do things together.  I know that I want to be in the position that I can serve Him every day. I know that I am on the right path and Master is helping me get there.

It’s kind of scary

The Olympics started last weekend which serves as a reminder of just how long it has taken me to get to this point in my life. Four years ago I had been seeing S for a few months. I was living with the euphoria of a new relationship, my first for over 30 years and I was yet to have to face up to my actions. Life was good, but I was busily dancing around the reality of what I was doing. That I was doing to my ex what had previously done to me. He was oblivious and yet to meet the woman he now lives with, yet to lie to me about his whereabouts. I was happy in the illusion that things with S would turn into something long lasting, that he was the Dom I wanted and needed. It would be another 18 months before that relationship would finally end and I would meet Master.

Fast forward to now and life remains kind of scary, though in a different way. I have spent this entire year preparing to sell the house and move in with Master, but still I am not there. I procrastinate on a weekly if not daily basis. The goals I set myself 6 months ago for today are still not complete. I want to make this move, but it takes more energy than I sometimes feel I possess.

That final step is scary. It means giving up my home and moving to somewhere that while I am comfortable to exist in, is not somewhere I can yet call that place. Home.  A conversation with Master last night brought home to me that I am still not sure that moving in with him is what I truly want. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him every day, not just at weekends and holidays with the odd extra day and night thrown in. But giving up this new found independence, my own place, where I have space, solitude, even silence is proving hard to do. Plus there is the knowledge that I will be living in a home I don’t own and never will, a place that if something happened to him I might not be able to stay in (even though he has told me that he will make plans for that possibility.

But, perhaps speaking my fears aloud last night did some good. I have spent some of today with a new energy to sort through things and I know that I have already planned some of the things I need to do over the coming days and into next week.

This was never going to be easy, perhaps it shouldn’t have taken me this length of time to sort myself out, but I know that I am moving ever closer to what I need to do and where I need to be.

It’s just that, it really is kind of scary.

Reflections

I haven’t felt much like posting here over the past couple of weeks. There is nothing wrong, I have just run out of steam. The past couple of months have seen lots of activity on the blog; the blogging A-Z in April and then lots of meme participation. Ultimately though, there is more to this place than following a format, fun as it is to do.

There are many posts whirling around in my head, but nothing will quite come out. Last weekend was busy, in a fun and cultural sense. Generally there has been a limited amount of kink and overt submission.

That submission is always there, it is just that sometimes I struggle to see it. I really do long for the time when I am able to demonstrate it every day when we are free to be the Master and slave we desire to be. Just when I think I am stuck in a particular place though, I come across something that reminds me how far I have travelled, how much better my life is now, how lucky I am.

This morning, I found this post, written to my ex hubby from June 2013:

B,


On Sunday we have been married for 29 years. That is a lifetime – we have both been married for longer than we were single. We have had some great times, how ever would we have stayed together if we hadn’t. Equally we have had some difficult moments, not least the present. This year there will be no cards, no romantic meals – not even the pretence that we are happily married. No we won’t even see each other. Tomorrow you will tell me where you are off to for the weekend, personally I will find something useful to do; perhaps be with friends, who knows. Even though our marriage is on it’s very last legs, I will not be with Sir (and wouldn’t have been even if he hadn’t been working).

Today, I saw you for the first time in over 2 weeks. You were too busy to take me to the airport, too busy to join me on holiday, too busy to be here on my return. Yesterday on fathers day, your son was sad you weren’t here. Whether his failure to even text you was warranted, is between the two of you, after all, he is an adult now. It has been 7 months since I told you of my infidelity and 5 since the say I confirmed it by going off one Sunday to see my lover, leaving bereft at home. Since then we have not (as far as I can remember) spent one whole weekend together. You were away at Easter and even when I was away on holiday you spent few nights at home. You ask me to be patient with you. Say you don’t want to lose me. But even when I have offered to give up Sir you tell me that since it will make me unhappy you do not wish me to.

Both Sir and the friend I was on holiday with say that I now need to take control of this situation, and I know they are right. I am allowing myself to be treated just as badly now as I was before this happened.  I know I have committed the worst sin possible within a marriage, and I have made no secret of this, but you did too. Granted it was many years ago, but the facts remain. You keep information from me – even tonight during the 30 minutes you were here having a shower and changing – refusing to tell me when you will be home, where you are going, where you stay, where your clothes are. You spend money recklessly and ask me for more. 

You say you can’t give me what I need. Sexually, this is probably true. But even though I have offered to give this up you prefer to remain the martyr. If I am to be married, I need a husband, I need a loving relationship, I need to be cared for. You provide me with none of the above, yet you take all that you can. 

I am reaching the end. Despite the fact I have most recently broken our wedding vows, I am the one currently feeling most deceived, most cheated upon. I think that after Sunday I will be ready.

I am sorry it has come to this, but I think that we need to face facts. We need to stop pretending and you need to realise that this is about more than sex, even if that sex is of the kinky kind.

I still care for you B, but I no longer love you as a wife should, I no longer respect you. My feeling as I started this letter was anger, but now, it is sorrow.


Immediately after reading this, I started to wonder that I had moved on at all. After all B is not completely out of my life (though the person I called Sir at the time is). We are still married and the house is not yet sold. I had forgotten the extent of his betrayal of me at that time, of the fact that I had offered quite so many olive branches to him. Since then I have discovered that he was pretty much living with another woman. I have also found out the extent of the hurt my son felt about what was going on.
But tonight as I look back on the day that I wrote this I can only be grateful that the relationship with S ended and that I didn’t go back to B. Grateful that I met Master and that his relationship with his then slave ended. Grateful that I recognised my need to be Master’s submissive and to give myself totally to him. Grateful that together we have enjoyed so many great experiences together and that we continue to plan more.
In June 2013 I barely knew what submission was about. I had yet to experience pain in the way I now have. I perceived that there was much missing from my life, but didn’t even know what it was let alone how to find it. 
Today, in June 2016 I know that I am an owned slave. I know that I exist to serve and please him. I know that my life is more fulfilled than I might have expected. I know that I have no need to make decisions in most of my life (save work and my own family), I know that I need Master’s help and guidance in all that I do. I know that I am not scared to have given up control. 
I have come a long way.
This year, on the day of the anniversary of that marriage I will be with Master. I won’t be worrying about B and his life, but instead I will be focusing on my service to the man who owns me and loves me. Being the slave he wants and needs. I will just be girl. 
This girl, His pierced slave. His property. His love
His. 
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