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Street view

I am standing at the tall open window naked. It is night time. In front of me is a wooden railing.

A pleasant side effect of the need to rent properties this holiday has been the photo opportunities they have presented. Our current one is an old village house with a room on each floor. The walls are thick and there are only windows to the front. So, it is cool, even on the hottest of days. I suspect you could keep it warm easily in winter too. On the first floor is a lovely living room, simply furnished. It has a desk where I have been able to blog, and also worked on morning last week. The best feature though is the large window giving us a view of the street and the blue sky above the tall buildings.

It’s a quiet place, though people bustle along during the day on their way to market, the shops or perhaps to the lake which is in the opposite direction. It’s narrow so a passing car is a rare event.

This photo was taken a few nights ago, and although I’m pretty sure no one was around to see (other than the photographer), this would have made some street view.

We leave this lovely place today as damage to the apartment has been fixed and it’s habitable again. But I’ll always remember the beautiful house with the steep stairs and lovely balcony. Plus, rest assured there are more photos to share yet.

This post is linked to both Sinful Sunday and the Scavenger Hunt. To see who else is joining in click on the images below.

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Unlearning the habits of a lifetime

So many things to unlearn

The Other Me

This blog pretty much catalogues my attempts, over the past 8 years to unlearn habits that formed over a lifetime. I’m pretty much a people pleaser and I hate conflict. This led me to take on responsibilities for things I would have been better to leave to others. I don’t mean at work but at home, with family and my ex.

I’d like to say that having embarked on this relationship and leaving many of the decisions to Master I am a completely reformed character. But that wouldn’t be completely true. While I’m better at putting us and me first rather than everyone else, I still have a habit of trying to organise people. This most recently happened over the weekend after my birthday. I decided it would be nice if a few of us visited my mum and shared a meal in the garden. In the end I got myself worked up because my niece decided to go the following day instead. Plus, my brother’s partner didn’t show up because of my mum’s previous shit stirring habits.

As I type this, I see how trivial it all is. But also I see that I still try to be everything to everyone and get upset when things don’t quite go to plan. But actually people don’t need organising my me and other than getting my son and daughter in law over to meet with us and my mum I should have left it at that.

This is huge learning for me, because I have a bad habit of doing the same kind of thing at Christmas time. This year, with meeting restrictions likely to be in place I already see I have to step back. Master and I have already discussed the events from last Christmas, which resulted in me feeling angry and sad. I am not going to repeat them.

I have left the country for a month and the world hasn’t collapsed (well not the bit relating to family). My mum is happily phoning me and resects my right to have a break. No one expects the things that I seem to expect of myself. So why do I expect them of myself?

Especially as I can see that in so many other ways my behaviour is different. I enjoy life with Master but don’t attempt to mother him. Something that I probably did with my ex, while complaining he expected it.

I guess in the end it all comes down to personality and to learned behaviours. The latter being sure as hell harder to unlearn than they were to learn. But having said that, I don’t think I’ve done such a bad job.

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How much control does the submissive have?

Many people say that it is the submissive that has all the power and control in a D/s relationship. After all, the decision to enter the relationship and to agree to comply to certain rules is made by the submissive. Or is it? I can only speak from my own limited experience and these are my own thoughts on the subject.

Beginning a D/s relationship

At the beginning of any relationship both parties are feeling their way. Testing each other out and building trust. A power exchange relationship is no different. A big part of getting to know each other takes place through a discussion of experiences and limits, as well as actually testing these out. At this stage, the power balance should really be pretty even.

Of course, it depends what you are looking for. I know that when I met Master I was definitely looking for a D/s relationship where I could give up control. But even I was surprised by the speed at which I was prepared to do so. I was in control of those decisions and we discussed what was involved. Probably control of orgasms was one of the first and that has remained the case. He owns them, but of course I do have the ability to regain control, since the orgasms emanate from my body. But more of that later.

Over a period of some months I relinquished more and more control over my every day actions as well as what happened in the play or bed room. I’ve noticed in books about power exchange, submissives are often expected to sign a detailed contract very early on. This is usually something drawn up by the dominant, commented on by the submissive and then signed by both parties.

Real life, for me anyway isn’t like that.

A contract

The decision for us to have something written down was something we made together. It also coincided with the first visible sign that Master had become my owner. The items contained in the contract were all things that had already been discussed and put in place. I suggested one or two changes plus an additional rule. Part of the contract specified what he should be doing for me, which seems only right.

Of course this has no basis in law or anything else. It’s just an agreement between two consenting adults. As I’ve mentioned punishment isn’t a big thing for us, mind you I’m not the biggest rule breaker in the world either. So it’s all pretty much down to trust and compliance and I’m pretty compliant to be honest.

But if he decided to punish me, then I think I’ve probably agreed to that too.

Over time, we’ve moved away from the contract, though it exists and has been expanded. The biggest change was when I told him I’d like to give up my limits.

Limits

The biggest thing I’ve done to signify giving away control of my limits. There have never been very many limits anyway quite a few have been gently (or not so gently) pushed over the years. My only real hard limit (apart from the usual illegal, age play and scat related ones) is medical and nursing stuff. I won’t do anything that demeans my profession, including dressing up as a nurse for sex.

There’s really little else I’d object to and trust in this relationship is absolute, so I have no problem with Master saying he wants try something and going ahead with it without asking me first. Though to be fair to him, that rarely happens.

Who has the power and the control?

The answer to that is that both of us do. The dynamic of our relationship means that his dominance is both a written and unwritten. In most things I am happy to defer and where I’m not we discuss things. Ultimately he makes many of the decisions, thought not financial or family ones. If I decided this wasn’t the kind of relationship either of us wanted any more, I’m not sure that would be the end for us. Because we now have a history behind us and our relationship is built on more than the dynamic. But anyway I see no reason that I would want to end the power exchange element. It has made me feel free and happy and I know just how complete it makes him feel.

This post is linked to No True Way, please click below to see who else is joining in this week.

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Ready

I hadn’t intended to disappear from the radar this past week. But events over took me and I’ve had to go with the flow. The great news is, we are in the warm and sunny south of France. The other good news is we are enjoying some great food and drink as well as the sun and sea. On the downside we have have been forced to rent a couple of local properties (due to availability) because our own place is currently uninhabitable (hot water issues). But that in itself has brought new joy. Because we have had the chance to experience some period houses, places with thick stone walls and spiral staircases.

So, once the initial stress has passed. Once I came to terms with the need to spend serious money on sorting out the water heater. Plus, once we had access to wifi (another issue to be sorted). I was ready for some fun and attention. Ready for Master to take me and to crave my body.

Master took this photo of me and modified it to make it black and white so it fits with this month’s Sinful Sunday prompt. But I couldn’t decide between the more natural and the over exposed one. So I’m posting them both.

Hopefully I’m also ready to write and post many more words this coming week, in between doing all the DIY we expected to do and making our apartment habitable again.

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Lust

Master is down on his girl. You can see part of his head and ear, but his face is buried in my body.

That most delicious of feelings. When you encounter (see, hear, meet) someone who absolutely turns you on. When your carnal desire for them means that you just can’t wait to kiss them, touch them and have sex with them.

During the period just before my menopause I was pretty much aroused all the time. It was like a tap that had been ceased up for years suddenly opened. I’ve written so much about the time before this happened and even more about events while it was. That’s why there are so many posts on this blog going back over 8 years.

Meeting men for lustful encounters

The very fact that I thought it was ok to go meet a man I’d never met before in a hotel shows quite how lust filled I was back in 2012. I threw every caution to the wind because his words, spoken and written had made me desire him so much. During the period of about a year I lusted after him and the things we did together so much that I mistakenly thought it was love. I only realised that wasn’t the case when he dumped me and I only needed to cry for a day or two. By the time he dumped me for the second time I walked away with relief. Somewhere in between the lust subsided, but I still enjoyed the fun times we had together.

It all happened again shortly after, when in February 2014 I met Master. This time the chat took place over a briefer period, days rather than weeks. Plus a safer meeting place was chosen. But we both considered going back to his place because we fancied the pants off each other. Instead we waited till the next day and again I threw caution to the wind. Gut instinct told me both times that this would be the right thing to do, but of course it is a dangerous game.

Keeping the lust going long term

This time it isn’t just lust. It is real and proper love. I care for him and want to please him. I know he would do anything for me and he has. There’s nothing like difficult and dark times like breast cancer treatment to tell you exactly how much you are loved. The lust isn’t there every day. But it is still around.

His libido is higher than mine and his lust for me is more evident than the other way round most of the time. Often I need Master to initiate things, though I know I should be more proactive. But once I see the lust in his eyes, it certainly does something for me.

This year hasn’t been the best for lust and love for most people, I think. We’ve spent much of the year at home, rather than exploring new places. Many of our most lustful times happen when we are away from home. Meantime we just have to take advantage of the moments when they present themselves. Long may it last.

This post is linked to the Erotic Journal Challenge and The Blog days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

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M/s: Reality or Fantasy?

A modified of me standing with my hands behind my neck. You can see my breasts through the black halter neck dress and I am wearing my collar.

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

~ Dr. Seuss

My post about following orders got me thinking. Is my life as slave to Master a reality or a fantasy that we both buy into? Actually I’ve been thinking about this for a while, ever since I saw a thread on twitter suggesting the latter. In essence that a power exchange is a game and that people can take themselves and it too seriously. To an extent that might be true, but then that could be said about a lot of elements of life.

Is life like a game anyway?

Throughout my working career I felt like an actor in my own play. Each job was its own scene. The person I was at work wasn’t the same as the person at home. As a nurse I had responsibilities thrown at me from a very young age. The only way to get through the stresses of people being sick and dying was to act like a competent provider of care. Of course I became one after a while and so acted the competent manager etc.

Same really with parenthood. It’s not like you get a how to parent manual as you leave hospital with your baby. You muddle through, accepting help and advice or ignoring it depending on what and who gave it out. But ultimately it’s down to you to work out how to stop the baby crying, what to do about a 7 year old preferring your bed to theirs and so on.

When I was unhappy in my marriage I played a game of happy wife, which fooled everyone including my husband. Eventually though the cracks begin to show and something has to give.

Is a Master / slave dynamic a reality or fantasy?

If I say I am a slave and if Master says I am a slave then I am one. If I choose to follow certain rules laid down by him then it is a definite reality. Our dynamic is there all the time, even though it isn’t evident to outsiders or sometimes even ourselves. The collar is worn 24/7 and if I take it off I ask first. We aren’t into punishment but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what the rules of engagement are. Nor does it mean that I don’t adhere to them, most of the time.

Others live a stricter M/s existence, more a kin to the stuff I like to read about in books. Enforcing more rules takes work on the part of the dominant and compliance on the part of the submissive. But one thing is for sure, it is a reality.

For me it has acted as an escape mechanism. You see, my life is no longer an act. Granted I’m not working (well not going out to work) but still. I’m not pretending to be happy, or competent or whatever. I’m just living my life. So it occurs to me that being a slave is less of a fantasy than being a happy wife ever was.

This post links to Quote Quest and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

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My name is MPB and I am an exhibitionist

I’ve always been something of an exhibitionist, but until relatively recently it didn’t involve me having my photo taken, kickers down in a field.

Thank goodness! It was more that I wanted to be the centre of attention. A real, look at me Leo type. It’s almost as if I can’t help myself. I would tell myself not to draw attention to myself, not to be the one to ask questions or give an opinion. But I digress.

My exhibitionist self emerged during 2012. It only took a matter of weeks between meeting S and strutting around half naked for the world to see. Thankfully it wasn’t actually watching. Though, of course, part of me wished it was.

It’s really only through this blog (and two dominant partners) that I have recognised this about myself. Both encouraged me to embrace showing my body to them and to others that may be passing. Indeed it is the thought of those who could be around that gets me off.

There have been far too few opportunities this year for Master to take images like this. But a couple of weekends ago the weather and location lent themselves to a photo opportunity. As far as I know, no one saw my bum other than Master, but if they did I do hope it made their day!

This post is linked to Sinful Sunday, Scavenger Hunt, Kink of the Week and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is participating in these memes.

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Taking orders from Master

A submissive shouldn’t question a dominant’s orders. It’s not the submissive’s position to know what a dominant’s reasons are. They should just do it and trust the dominant with that decision.

During our day to day life we don’t have the kind of relationship where by Master says jump and I ask him how high. Our life together is a partnership. That isn’t to say that there isn’t a power exchange element to our every day lives. There is. Over time I have given much of my decision making responsibilities to him. He books things up and arranges things for us to do (or did before the world went tits up) without discussion. Just as he often initiates our kink and other encounters. However that doesn’t mean we don’t discuss them first.

It’s taken me years to get to this point. As I mentioned in my last post, I have always had a tendency to want to control everything and everybody. To the extent where the effort wore me down. Meeting someone who wanted to make decisions on my behalf was something of a relief. But allowing it to happen didn’t come easily.

In my fantasies I am a malleable and obedient submissive, but in real life I don’t want to be that person. I’m a strong minded individual and I’d rather be called bratty than a door mat. Anyway, that isn’t what Master wants, I highly suspect he likes my bratty side. So long as I know when to stop.

Having said all of that, it’s not often that orders of any kind are issued and they tend to be in a specific context – play, scenes and sex. And then, I’m usually pretty happy to do as I am told, often without question. Well too many questions anyway, because I often struggle to shut off my inquisitive (or nosy) mind. Master loves to give surprises (of a pleasant kind), which is when new toys and clothes suddenly emerge. There are rarely dull moments when he gets and idea in his head.

Even though I have relinquished my limits to Master, there is always room for discussion about something new. Neither of us thinks that he should hold all the information and I should just do as I’m told. Nor do we think that instructions should be parked out as orders.

So, the reality is that a power exchange is a balancing act (just like other relationships). Communication and discussion is vital so that each partner understands the rules of engagement. But, it takes time to get to a place of clear understanding of roles and responsibilities. In this relationship I think we’ve worked out what we want and need and that is just fine for us.

This post is shared to No True Way and is part of The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

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Best friends

Master and I kissing at a Christmas kink event. I am dressed in a little Santa bunny girl type costume, he in a suit.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself- and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”

~ Jim Morrison

The ex as a friend

My ex wants us to be friends. For a long time, before we split up I knew I still loved him but really didn’t like him. After years of marriage I really didn’t want to chose him to be an acquaintance let alone best friend. Time and separation has mellowed my view some what and I guess I know I could go to him if I needed something. He is loyal, in many ways though wasn’t especially faithful. Trust is a big thing in friendship and in love and unfortunately that is a bit of a problem. He has told me more lies than it is conceivable for any human to do to someone they say they love.

Plus he isn’t very good with boundaries. I popped round to the former marital home last week to collect something and had an amicable chat with he and his partner. He followed me out to the car and told me he liked my hair which is short and had been bleached by the sun. I’m happy for anyone to say I’m looking good, thanks. But he spoiled it by messaging me while I was driving home and telling me that I had turned him on. I ignored the message, though seethed about it. Thankfully an apology followed and then I told him that wasn’t an ok thing to do.

So, I don’t think my ex will ever be much of a friend and certainly not my best friend.

Friends as friends

I’ve had a number of close friends in my lifetime but none that have stood the test of time. I guess that once I wrapped myself up in love and life lasting friendships just didn’t happen. It could be that I didn’t invest as much time as I should have. Or else it was just something that happened. I feel sad when another good friendship drifts off and becomes something less close and personal. But it hasn’t been the end of the world. Since more recently my lovers have been good friends. Also a few work friends really stepped up for a while during times of need, as I did for them too.

My best friend

Master is my friend and confidant in a way no one else really has been. There isn’t anything I can’t and don’t say to him. It wasn’t until this was the case that I realised that I learned early on that my ex kept secrets from me and so increasingly I kept them from him. I don’t think there are many, if any secrets that Master and I keep from each other.

But going back to the quote, Master has let me be the person I am, at the same time as helping me be the person I always wanted to be. I have a level of freedom to be myself in a way I didn’t even know I needed.

Being part of this power exchange has allowed me to give up some of the decision making responsibilities that I used to find so hard. It has helped me realised I don’t need to be in control of everything and everyone all of the time. I came across as dominant and domineering in many circumstances when I was younger. But now, I see that was a defence mechanism against failure and letting people down. If I didn’t do things myself then they would never be right. Of course, I was wrong about that and I’m happy to admit it.

I’m with a man I love and respect and who loves and respects me in return. We are learning together how to be older people that want to continue to be active, to enjoy kink and to be lovers. He has helped me see that my body is beautiful to him and others and that I don’t need to hide it just because I am nearer 60 than 50. We have explored photography together and I wear clothes especially to kink events that I would never have imagined. I can honestly say I am happier now than I have been during my adult life (possibly with the exception of some lovely occasions with my son). That is in no small part to my Master, my Best Friend. What’s more, I’m not letting this one slip away.

This post is linked to Quote Quest and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is taking part.

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Finding sexy stuff to wear

I won’t lie, finding sexy stuff to wear is a challenge. I swear that a person who has had a mastectomy isn’t meant to want to wear stuff that makes them feel good. In winter it matters less. Because you can hide the thick strapped bras under layers of other clothes. Come summer though, especially hot days like we’ve just had here, I for one want light and sexy.

There are (to my knowledge) two companies that specifically sell post mastectomy lingerie and swimwear in the UK. These are Nicola Jane and Amoena and over the past two years I’ve bought from both. I now have 3 swimsuits, several bra and pantie sets and now I have a couple of strappy tops with bra inserts inside.

This one is from Nicola Jane and I love how it looks. It’s not without irritation because the bra seems to do up too low down my back, so I’ll need to fiddle with it for next time. But I am proud to share that this week I’ve been able to wear a strappy top without big thick bra straps and that makes me very happy.