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Books of my childhood

Inside pages from the book Mrs Cockle's Cat

I loved reading as a child and still do. I bought books with my pocket money and borrowed them from the library. At Christmas I often received a book or two from various aunts and uncles as well as grandparents. They usually wrote inside the cover so that you knew they had bought them for you.

This week’s Food 4 Thought is about One Book from our childhood. Goodness me, what a tough task. There were and still are so many. I kept many of my childhood books and now have them on the shelves in my little office. They sit among my adulthood favourites, books on nursing and leadership and many more. Including books my son discarded at the end of his own childhood but I can’t bear to part with. That includes a number of Roald Dahl books. I still have Enid Blyton famous 5, What Katy Did, Little Women (and the rest of the series). More contemporary books (from the 1970s) like It shouldn’t happen to a vet which became All Creatures Great and Small. But the book I wanted to talk about – The Girl in the Opposite Bed by Honor Arundel.

I don’t know where it has gone, but am sure I wouldn’t have thrown it out. Maybe there’s another box in the garage I haven’t unpacked yet. This was a book about a girl who is in hospital for a week or two. While there she encounters a girl she doesn’t like at first but whom eventually becomes her friend. But I can’t remember the exact story and can’t check it since it is out of print.

That book helped to define me in terms of my future career. Because after reading The Girl in the Opposite Bed I moved on to books about nurses (especially the Sue Barton stories). As well as others about people who were sick or injured. I must have been a fun loving adolescent!

One book I still have, that is older than The Girl in the Opposite Bed would be is Mrs Cockle’s Cat by Philippa Pearce. This is important not because of the story, though it is a good one about an elderly lady and her cat. But because I was given it as an award at primary school. I wrote a story and won a book.

Since then I’ve continued to write, but mostly for my own pleasure. As I’ve mentioned before I used to write stories in longhand as a teenager and young adult. But until I entered the Smut Marathon in 2018 I hadn’t submitted my fiction to any other competitions. Over the years I’ve lost my confidence in writing fiction and I no longer find it as easy as writing non fiction. Thinking about it, I’m maybe just a bit out of practice.

Next year I’m going to be much more specific about my goals. Later in the month I’ll publish those goals and writing fiction will be amongst them. Because if I could win a prize at around 10 years of age I’m pretty sure I can write something worth while at 57.

F4Thought
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Fantasies

Me from the back, wearing leather harness and spanking skirt.
An early picture of me in harness and spanking skirt.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what might be. Then I started on this journey of Dominance and submission, BDSM and self discovery. This whole blog is really about fulfilling fantasies. Some have exceeded my wildest dreams and some have been less thrilling. What’s left to do? Well nothing I dream of but maybe there are things to do anyway.

Sex that is like in books

By the time I was 49 I had had one sexual partner. Dull, but true, and in 2012 I decided to take the plunge and seek more from my life. I’d read about great sex in erotic and other fiction as well as magazines , but didn’t know if it was true. Turns out my sex life was definitely lacking, though not everything you read is true either. Men don’t come 5 times a night, well not when they are in their 50’s anyway. They have way more stamina and the men I discovered knew their way around a woman’s body. Of course, I was lucky with the ones I found.

Within months of my first encounter with S I’d had sex outside and then later a foursome. These were both things I’d thought about and imagined.

Later it turned out that good sex wasn’t everything. So having come from someone who loved me but was dull in bed, I now discovered that I needed both. Plus I dreamed of a proper D/s relationship.

A power exchange relationship

I’ve read a lot of books about BDSM and power exchange relationships in particular. I love the fantasy element and am happy to suspend reality in many cases. It is a shame that so many feature billionaire men who discover a young woman they have to tame and train, before falling deeply in love. But now and then there are books that are more realistic. I wanted to experience life with a dominant man, become his sex object, but had no desire to spend my life kneeling naked at his feet. In any case I had a job to hold down and a son still living at home.

Master is quite low key in his power exchange expectations. So low key that you hardly notice what is happening. The extent to which dependency occurs and you find yourself deferring to him. Of course, the process has been a long one. 5 years in February. But from the beginning there were signs – the reference to myself in the third person, his control of my orgasms and ownership of my body.

I often wonder if I am truly a slave, after all I am pretty unruly, though never truly disobedient. I am bad at calling him Master, except in the bedroom. But when I look back at the person I was at the beginning, he has helped me modify my behaviour. I am less likely to jump in to a situation and take over. I let him take the lead most of the time and now relish that fact. He usually asks my opinion but he makes the final decision.

BDSM fantasies

I’ve had the opportunity to try many experiences over the past few years. Things that people put on their fantasy lists – bondage, forced orgasm, piss play, electrical play, the vac bed, to name a few. We’ve played in public, which is something I always wanted to do and will continue to. I’d like to attend more CMnf events and perhaps ones that require a higher protocol. It certainly wouldn’t do me any harm to be a proper slave for a few hours.

But really I am at the stage where I am just happy living an ordinary life with my partner. Yes, it is a bit different from other people but it’s generally tame. But tame in a fun way.

One final thing

It has never been my fantasy to have sex with another woman, I really am heterosexual. But actually I do wonder if I should be braver and just let it happen. I know Master would enjoy watching me with a woman and it might be fun. The opportunity is there and I am conflicted about whether to take it.

You see, some of the things I have done weren’t actually fantasies until just before I did them. Or else not until I read about them and then thought why not. Plus I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like to miss out. So, we’ll see!

tellmeabout
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Stop apologising!

Image says: "Saying sorry"

Last week I had a hospital appointment. They hospital uses an electronic booking in service, a machine that then gives you a receipt. Only last week it didn’t. There was no one at the reception desk so, assuming I was checked in we just sat down and waited. And waited. When we had been waiting for an hour past the appointment time I went to the desk. It turned out that because I hadn’t been to the dest, even though I had booked in via the machine I was assumed not to be there.

Thankfully I got to see the doctor who apologised and complained at the stupidity of the system. The nurse also apologised. But, do you know what I found myself saying how sorry I was that I hadn’t realised and how sorry I was I hadn’t gone to the desk. They, of course, told me to stop apologising.

The trouble is I often can’t help apologising for things that aren’t actually my fault. For some unknown reason the word sorry slips out of my mouth too often. I don’t mean when I’ve done or said something wrong and need to apologise. But when someone else has done something to me – walked into me, stood on my foot or accused me of something I haven’t actually done.

I’ve been wondering if any of this has to do with my naturally submissive personality. My desire to please to make people happy? And, I think it might. No one has told me I should apologise more, but plenty of people have told me to stop.

I’d say that since I’ve been putting myself and us first, it has happened less. I do still say sorry to my mum when I can’t visit as much as sh wants. But other than that there is no one close to me that I need to apologise to. That means that when I find myself saying sorry to someone who has wronged me, they are likely to be unimportant in my life. Not to say that seeing the doctor last week wasn’t something that needed to happen. There is something about those kinds of situations that can make us feel socially inferior. However I have been to that clinic and seen that doctor a few times. What’s more I have been in professional meetings with him (though he doesn’t remember me). So it really isn’t that.

Writing this post has caused me to reflect on my propensity to apologise and I am going to try to do it less. To reserve my apologies for times when I really do need to say sorry.

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I am thankful

In the UK we don’t have a Thanksgiving celebration. But that’s not to say I don’t think it is important to express thanks for the people and things in my life. So, I am thankful to have the opportunity to join in with the Erotic Journal Challenge prompt for November.

Health

I saw the oncologist yesterday and am now on six monthly appointments between surgeon and oncologist. My first annual mammogram was clear and I am fit and well. I just need to get as fit as possible for the planned surgery some time next year. I take a daily tablet, which gives some irritating side effects. But nothing that I can’t manage. I am grateful for everything the health professionals have done over the past year and am very happy to be able to look forward fewer appointments.

Family

As Christmas approaches I am thankful for my family. I am looking forward in particular to spending time with my son and daughter in law. They celebrate a year of marriage at the end of the year – where has that time gone? We are going to spend a day at my son’s in laws, which will be something new.

My mum continues to cause me stress and irritation, but she is in reasonable health and I am grateful for that. One of my brothers causes untold anxiety and quite a bit of pain. But the other is a great support and we have become closer over the years. I am also looking forward to seeing some (if not all) of my nephews and nieces.

Master

I can’t describe how thankful I am that we found each other when we did and that we have the relationship we have. My life is good (as I write often) and I have few complaints. We have fun, visit new places and explore our kink sides as much as we can. But also we have settled into a life together and for that I am really grateful. Without him, I don’t think I’d have got through the cancer thing as well as I did. I know he is anxious about my operation next year, but is committed to helping me through as best he can.

Friends

I am so pleased we are able to attend Eroticon next spring. For a while I wasn’t sure we would. The most exciting thing is that many of the people I call friends from blog / twitter and previous Eroticons will be there. Not only that, but lots of them are speaking, which will make the choice of which sessions to attend even more difficult.

Before Christmas we are travelling to Amsterdam to see our friend their, I’m really looking forward to that few days away. We have an airbnb booked this time and I think it will be lots of fun.

Blog

This blog brings me so much pleasure. I’m so thankful I started it all that time ago, it really has given me a special place to call my own. Without the blog I doubt I would have met and become involved with such a wonderful community. This month I have had my largest ever number of visitors and views. In no small thanks to this photo, Molly and Sinful Sunday.

Blogging has become my passion this year so much more than it was. Partly as an outlet when I was feeling tired and fed up. But also as the means to exciting new opportunities. I’m planning something – an offshoot of this blog if you will – in the very near future. Once I’ve sorted the technical stuff I will say more. Plus I plan to make changes to this blog, in terms of it’s look and feel.

Finally I am in planning mode. As I said in my last post, I have realised I need to set goals and be more organised in my planning. So I won’t just say I’m going to do something, or more of another thing (like writing fiction or submitting posts), but I am going to actually set objectives for doing them. So watch this space for some of that too. The best thing I did in recent months is to join the Smutlancer community – I am really grateful to Kayla, Molly and all the other smutlancers for the encouragement and support.

Thank you too to Brigit Delaney for the Erotic Journal Challenge and this prompt.

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Multitask?

Hardly! I can barely do one thing at a time.

That is partially true. I am better at being efficient and effective when I focus on that thing and get it done than when I try to do 2 or 3 things at once. But of course life doesn’t allow us the luxury of concentrating on that one thing and then moving on.

Work, managing a family, social life and blogging all require attention. But if I don’t work out what I need to do and get on with it, I am likely to try to do everything at once. Not literally perhaps, though I do often have several windows on my laptop open at once and of course there’s that important WhatsApp message to check. Next I remember I promised to call my mum and then there is the washing to take out of the machine. (Break here while I go and do it).

Planning

The secret to being productive is planning. I started the year with a fabulous planner and faithfully planned out whole months and then weeks of activity. For about half the year this worked well. I kept track of appointments (lots of them at hospitals), social events, birthdays and my blogging plans. But then life got busy, I took some paid work and things went wrong. I concentrated on the project (I did the planning) and got that done. I still managed to blog, but found it difficult to find the brain capacity for both. Next I went on holiday. Since then I’ve hardly planned anything other than in my head. Appointments are in the diary (often put there by Master), but blogging is more haphazard.

Multitasking in the way I have been doing lately is tiring. Keeping most plans in my head is crazy as I am not doing things in the right order. Plus I am forgetting important (though small) tasks.

Goal setting

When I finished work last year, I had all sorts of plans in mind. To have a prolonged break from the stress of the workplace. To travel and to write. I wanted to see if I could make money from writing. None of this stuff was written down, which is why I got the planner. But I hadn’t factored in the small issue of discovering I had breast cancer and requiring treatment and recovery from it.

Now though I am ready to set goals again and to plan the coming weeks and months. I have a new planner for 2020 and I am going to use it.

I’ve just listed to Molly and Kayla’s latest podcast about setting goals as well as other’s recently about planning and planners. So in theory I am ready. I have ideas I want to put in place, new exciting projects I want to embark on. This week I have found myself steaming ahead to do one of them, only to be stymied by internet problems. This led to multitasking in a way that is not efficient and fruitful as I tried to sort it out.

But while at a classical music event last night I worked out what I need to do (I find piano music particularly useful for this). Set goals and plan. Then do.

You see, as I said at the top, I can’t really multitask. I can barely do one thing at a time. So I will leave multitasking to those who can.

During the writing of this post I drank tea, put the washing into the tumble dryer, went in search of my laptop lead and checked a news story online. Plus chatted to Master who has just returned from the shop.

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Bedroom talk

He has a great way with words. I guess it is all the reading he does, plus his linguistics education. He tends to tell me what he thinks about my body and our sex life in English, but could easily do it in French or Spanish. Our bedroom is a fun place to be of a Sunday morning.

“I wanted to have sex with you the first time I met you” He told me, not for the first time. Looking back to the beginning is something he loves to do. “I felt your tits though” Indeed he did. Plus he pressed his hard cock against me when we kissed. It’s no wonder I was round his house the following afternoon. Though we didn’t have sex until the week after as he played with me instead.

He starts to suck my nipple. “what are you doing?” I ask “Just noshing down on your tit” comes the reply between sucks. I lie there thinking how middle class public school that sounds. He speaks well: upbringing, education. Not estuary like me! I love it when he swears or says dirty stuff, it sounds fabulous coming from his posh mouth.

“I’ve had more sex with you than anyone else”.

“Well we’ve had a lot of sex”, I reply. That is very true and I’ve had more sex with him than anyone else.

“You’re a better fuck than C” (a former sex worker he used to see and who is now a great friend of ours). This also pleases me greatly, perhaps I am pretty good at sex.

“Don’t tell her” I say.

“I might” he responds and we both laugh.

Anyway, in the past he has told me that I am the best fuck he has ever had. I believe him since he doesn’t have to say stuff like that.

“You’re mine” he says just before he goes down on my cunt.

“I’m definitely yours and no one else” I say. But also think, ‘and you are mine’.

Then we fuck and there’s little to say for a while. I do love Sunday morning in our house.

Masturbation Monday
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Definition

On the new shelves installed in our living room last week is the dictionary section (yes this is something of a library). But I hope this picture doesn’t completely define me.

While I love posing for him and was happy to do so in front of the new shelving, I’m not happy with this body. I don’t want it to define me.

So, I’ve made changes this week, which I intend to continue. My struggle with weight and body image continue. But for now, this is me and I am happy and proud that he loves to photograph me as I am.

Sinful Sunday
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Freedom

This weeks F4T prompt is freedom. You would imagine that as a slave in a M/s relationship, my freedom would be limited in some way. But actually I feel more at liberty to do the things I want to do than at any point in my adult life. That’s partly because I have fewer responsibilities. But also because I feel safe and secure in my relationship. I have freedom to express myself, both here on this blog and also with Master.

The responsibilities of life

We all have to act within certain rules in life. No one is free to do as they wish – there are laws, moral codes and organisational rules. But while some people manage to exercise the freedom to be themselves within those confines, others feel constrained. For a long time I felt like that, even though I had a lot of freedom. I had a husband and son to care for (and the husband wasn’t low maintenance), a job and wider family. But still I had opportunities to go out with friends, read, study and shop for myself. However I felt trapped, unable to express myself, to be the person I wanted to be. Trouble was, I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Just not what I had.

For years and years I did nothing about it. I went to work, out with my husband, saw family and cared for my son. I was known for taking my nephews and nieces out for days and even on holiday. We were always doing something for someone and usually the main driver was me. I was my own worst enemy. But keeping my head down and getting on with it felt like the best approach, then I didn’t need to think about my own needs and desires. However that approach was not sustainable, not from anyway.

Breaking free

The life I have now has taken many years to achieve. One of the problems was I didn’t actually have a goal. Instead I just followed my heart and body. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with this, but if I’d had a plan the journey may have been smoother.

Fear of making mistakes and of what others would think of me held me back. It stopped me seeking help when I needed it and made me internalise my problems.

I really don’t recommend cheating on your partner. But in the end it was the catalyst for working out what I wanted and needed. I was lucky that along the way I met someone that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with.

The by product is that my ex is also happier with his new partner. For a long time he denied it, since he claimed to still love me. But when I see him now I know that his new lady provides all of the things I detested. In particular she is better at mothering him. I always said that I had one child and didn’t need him to become another. Plus at the time he had a mother.

My blog

It’s strange that writing a sex and relationship based blog can provide freedom. But it does, and in a way that my previous work related one never could. Both were anonymous, at least to begin with. But I feared being outed and sacked for writing about the health service then I have writing about sex and BDSM.

This blog has evolved over time. I always wrote about my relationships including the break up of my marriage. But over the past couple of years I have felt more freedom to write anything. Though all of my posts are personal in some way, even the fiction. That’s why I decided to write about my cancer and also the reason there will be more posts about my diet and fitness. Now I am not working I have more time to be creative, and the freedom to do so. Trouble is words don’t automatically flow just because we want them to.

I love to write about the fun, BDSM related things we do. The new toys we try and the way in which we push our relationship and dynamic. I want to develop this blog, make it more dynamic. I want to write on a wider range of topics.

Master told me at the beginning of our relationship that he liked my blog and loved to read it. He told me that I would always have freedom to write as I wanted and I took this at face value. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider him and his feelings when I write. I’m not completely gungho. But my freedom to write and create is never restricted by him.

Freedom to be a submissive

In my former life I both loved and hated being free to make decisions. I was able to make them but grew weary from doing it. What to eat, where to go, work decisions, relationship decisions. It just went on and on. So to be given the opportunity to give up making some decisions has given me more freedom.

I don’t like being told what to do in all situations. But I do love it in the bedroom, during play and also in our wider life. Before I acted alone and didn’t consult because my ex was terrible at making decisions. But now I discuss everything and am happy for advice, a push or even for Master to decide for me (depending on what is required).

Being his submissive has made me happy and it has also given me more freedom to be myself than I new possible.

F4Thought
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The ceremonies of life

When I was slimmer my collar was a little big. I’d be happy if it was like this again!

Christenings, weddings, funerals and graduations have all been the ceremonies of my life. Christmas, even though I don’t go to church is a ceremony of its own. Over the years I’ve enjoyed them all. I still look back with fondness to my own wedding. I loved the day, being centre of attention. happy and in love. Marriage was much less fun than planning the wedding and living through the day.

Formal ceremonies

My favourite ceremonies with and for others though have been the ones involving my son. His christening at 6 months old, cute in his sailor suit. Family enjoying a sunny September afternoon in our garden. His school events, plays, nativity, fetes they were all ceremonial in their own way. The graduation – my son all grown up and smart in his gown, on the cusp of proper adult life. Then last Christmas his wedding. A really small and intimate affair, so different from my nuptials. A day though filled with laughter and a bride and groom who did things their own way. I loved every minute of that as much, if not more than my own.

His wedding allows me to concentrate on myself and my life with Master. I feel that the wedding ceremony is part of a bigger event. That he is now part of a new family, his own. One that will grow as, hopefully they have children in the future.

Collaring

This was a ceremony I didn’t expect to write about. But on the day that Master collared me, his slave I committed to him. Though this was not in front of other people. to bear witness, we made vows to live our lives in a certain way. I agreed to wear his collar, to be obedient and to provide service. In return he agreed to care for me and to be the best owner he could be.

4 years later and we have pretty much stuck to the vows we made to each other that night. Until I had surgery and then radiotherapy, I had rarely removed my collar. That titanium ring means as much to me as the ring I wore on my finger before.

However I do have the urge for another ceremony. I would like to affirm our commitment to each other in public, in front of my son, his wife and other very close family. But first I need to get round to divorce, get myself a new boob and make some plans. But it is something that hopefully we will do.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked