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The deed is done

The rollercoaster events of the past few weeks came to a conclusion yesterday. Once the decision for me to have a mastectomy was made last Wednesday we began to make plans for the weekend. Being away from home helped, and while we obviously discussed the operation, we also concentrated on having a good time.

The music festival got off to a great start with workshops about the poetry of Lord Byron and it’s musical settings, followed by a day on Debussy. There were evening concerts and meals in our favourite restaurants.

On Saturday night we drank a little too much, and Master took a few photographs of me naked in our Airbnb living room. I don’t know if we will ever show them, but we have a few good shots for ourselves.

Sunday was spent at a study session, learning about classical composers and their music across European and transatlantic borders. Then we travelled home. Driving home in the rain we encountered heavy traffic, but once home spent the evening quietly.

By now we both felt ready to face the inevitable. It was time to get this operation done. The time for commiserations done. On Monday morning I had an early breakfast and then we went back to bed for a while. Snuggled together he stroked and kissed me before bidding farewell to my right breast.

It turned out to be a long day

Although we arrived at the hospital at 12.30, I didn’t go for the operation until 4.30. My son came over to spend the afternoon with us. A slightly surreal but pleasant afternoon passed.

My first ever anaesthetic and operation passed smoothly and by 6.45pm I had woken up. I was amazingly awake and felt pretty good. The first face I saw as I arrived back on the ward was Master’s. A feeling of immense relief passed over me. Within minutes I was speaking to my son on the phone to reassure him all was well.

As I lay in my bubble of post surgery euphoria, I snuck a peek inside the front of my gown. My left breast remains in tact, its nipple still holding the plastic bar I bought for the operation. My right side is flat, the wound hidden by dressings, it’s breast and nipple is no more.

There were 4 of us women in our shared bay, all recovering from surgery for breast cancer. After Master and other visitors had left we lay in our beds talking about our experiences to date. Reflecting on this shared journey. Our nurses were kind and compassionate, encouraging us to talk.

It was a long night

Only one of us slept last night and that someone wasn’t me. The ward was quiet, but each of us had our lower legs encased in machinery designed to prevent thrombosis. The intermittent noise generated by each one seemed to prevent sleep. Added to this, regular observations by the diligent nursing staff and alarms elsewhere meant none of us slept for more than a few minutes at a time. Still the sence of cameradey carried us through to breakfast at 7am.

While the two women who had lumpectomies headed home at lunchtime, two of us remain for another night. I am hopeful of being sent home tomorrow. I faced my bare chest in the bathroom mirror this morning as I washed and don’t relish the thought of seeing my scar. But this has to be faced, and now hopefully the cancer is gone. Difficult days lie ahead for me and for him. But we are facing this together.

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Treatment plan

Yesterday morning, in my Wicked Wednesday post I wrote about the coming couple of weeks and my hopes for the impending surgery. In the afternoon I saw my consultant and now have the treatment plan.

Unfortunately the tumour is twice the size that showed on ultrasound. I was reassured it doesn’t mean it has grown that much over the past month. But that this kind of cancer is difficult to measure. This means I need a mastectomy rather than lumpectomy. 

The options for a breast reconstruction were explained to us. I am really not keen on having one largish breast and one completely flat area for ever more. So, I was hoping for a reconstruction at the time of surgery. However, the surgeon explained that the radiotherapy could damage a silicone implant. With a 40% chance of requiring further surgery because of this, we felt this was a no go. So, in a years time I will have a reconstruction by a plastic surgeon, that will take some of my own tissue to be formed into a breast. People, I get a tummy tuck too!! 

I have tried hard to be positive over the past month, since the biopsy was taken. But I feel the rug has been pulled from beneath me and I am struggling emotionally now. Thankfully, I only have till Monday to consider the decisions that have been taken. By that evening my right breast will be gone. I am luckier than most, I doubt many people have the library of photos we have of my breasts. But I don’t know how painful it will be to look at them afterwards. Especially in those first few days. 

I intend to try to be body positive about this and when the time is right I will show my body on my blog.

The road ahead will be challenging, but I have Master to support me and I have nice things to do. Today we leave for our music festival until Sunday and will return when I am well enough to do so. 

Thank you for the kind words of support here on my blog and twitter, it helps to be part of this wonderful community. 

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Pause

It feels a little as if we are on hold right now, someone has pressed the pause button. Around me, people are busily getting on with their lives, caught in the daily grind while I sit here and wait.

Life for me right now is made up of endless hospital appointments interspersed with doing very little. Shopping, cooking, the odd evening out, all of those things continue. We are also making time for some sex – well there is plenty time for sex, but obviously we don’t have sex all the time. There are still things around the house to be done, the big declutter continues – for him that is. Plus I continue to gradually unpack (assisting in his declutter). 

Yesterday I dug over a patch of the garden. It had become overgrown with weeds and grass. Also some bulbs with leaves but no flowers, we have no idea what they were. Now, the ground is clear and I have planted bulbs. This might be the last bit of strenuous work I do for a while. Very soon I will have to pause even more.

This afternoon I will get the results of the MRI scan, which took place only yesterday. The scan was a weird experience, not entirely unpleasant just very odd and noisy. Surgery will be soon, and today I will know when. Before that I will have a blood test and on the morning of the operation sentinel node imaging. This seems to be my life right now.

Having said all that, we do have one thing on the agenda. A two week trip to a nearby city for a classical music festival. For the past two years, this has been our way of taking a break from real life. A pause, you might say. Well it starts on Friday and we plan to spend as much of the next two weeks as possible there. Hospital appointments and operations permitting. We have an airbnb booked and will stroll the city, attend concerts and lectures. It will be a great place to pause the pause as it were!

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The follow up post can be found here

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TMI Tuesday – relationships

Too Much Information Running Through Your Brain
1. If you had three wishes that would come true, what would they be?

For my breast cancer to be no more than 3cm so I can have my operation next week and get on with treatment

To be able to plan some holiday for next year

To be safely able to play again very soon

2. What are your favorite things to spend money on?

Clothes and shoes, food and drink (in a restaurant / bar, not for cooking at home)

3. If you could write a song about your life, what type of music would you use?

It would be a classical piece, that started very quietly, gained momentum and then quietened down and became boring for about 10 minutes. Then suddenly made people cover their ears, before settling into an exciting, beautiful rhythmic piece of music that those watching would always remember. 

4. If you could choose your partner again, would you choose the same person?

This partner, yes. My previous partner and long term husband, no.

5. When it comes to discussing your sex life, who do you confide in more than anyone else?

Apart from my Master? You who read my blog know most of what there is to know.

Bonus: What’s your definition of cheating? Is there really such a thing?

Engaging in any sexual act in person, on the phone or online with anyone without your partner / lover or in my case Master knowing or giving permission. 

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

Happy TMI Tuesday!Posted in TMI Tuesday| Tagged blog, dating, dreams, family, fantasy, fill-in, fun, holiday, humor, life, love, marriage, masturbate, meme, naked, orgasm, party, pleasure, query, questions, relationships, romance, secrets, sex, sexy, TMI, tmi questions, Tmi Tuesday, TMI Tuesday blog, tmituesday, tmituesdayblog, too much information, Tuesday, Tuesday meme, twitter, vacation, wish| 1 Comment

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My space

This weeks Food 4 Thought Friday prompt is all about self care, something that I have considered much more over past few weeks. It is so easy to be wrapped up in work, family, friends, household chores etc. Less easy to find the space for yourself. This was very true for me over the past few years. Reading back over older blog posts I can see how my life was a circle of work, getting the house ready to sell, helping my mum move and finally my own move. Of course there have been wonderful holidays and weekend breaks, but often they are busy times. Finally now I can and also need to have time for myself and us. 

What activities do you indulge in to take care of you?

In the time since I finished work most of the self care has been reasonably sedentary. My body and brain needed to relax and unwind. The two holidays I have taken have been relaxing, I have read novels for the first time this year and strolled rather than rushed. I have also begun to blog more, but also read what others have written. 

Some of the things I like to do to relax include walking – exploring new places, eating nice food and drinking good wine. I have my sewing which has taken for ever to finish. I also like to be pampered – a manicure, pedicure, facial, not that I have had those for a long time. 

How regularly do you make time for yourself?

As I mentioned above, time for me was previously in short supply. Now though I can indulge myself and since my recent cancer diagnosis I need to. Finally family are giving me permission to concentrate on myself, but it is a shame that wasn’t the case before. 

My priority is my health and wellbeing and our relationship. For now, that is how it will be.

Is your sex life part of your self-care regime and, if so, what part does it play and how?

Sex is certainly part of the plan. But also the opportunity to spend time together while naked. To be allowed orgasms and to provide sexual service to my Master. I am not sure how my libido will be affected by the impending treatment. But meantime it seems wise to indulge ourselves. 

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Power and glory

Apparently Master had an odd dream. This is nothing unusual, only last week he has travelled to China having been abducted on an underground train. In this dream though he was describing the different ways in which he and I fuck. Nothing odd about that, though he didn’t expand on the context. However it led him to thinking about the ways we have sex. This post is a reflection of the conversation we had. 

For him, there are two kinds of sex firstly where he has the power and is a dominant force and secondly where he feels the desire to breed me. For the purpose of this post I am calling glory.

Power

I would estimate that 70-80% of the time our sex life resolves around the power dynamic of our relationship. His role as Master and mine as slave is most evident in the bedroom, or playroom. It is always an undercurrent the rest of the time but is subtle. During sex though he says and does things that increase his feelings of power and that in turn brings out my submissive side. He might use humiliating words to describe me – bitch for example, or he may instruct me to kneel and suck his cock.

The more that I conform to his words, the fact that I ask and even beg for an orgasm, the way he can make me wait all make him feel more powerful. In this context I can feel myself drift into submission, how that feels is difficult to describe. It feels almost trance like, hypnotic. When he sees that slightly glazed look on my face, especially after several orgasms, his voice chances in tone. There is no doubt he is in control, has the power  over me.

If he orgasms he will often do so on my body somewhere; breasts or tummy. He will wipe his cock over my pubic hair as a final sign of his power. This will have been my prize.  

Glory

The sex described in my post yesterday falls into the second category. While some of the words spoken may be the same and there will be an overt power dynamic. But this will be about him burying his cock deep inside me, with the intention of breeding me. This of course is a fantasy. I am in my mid 50s and can’t be bred, I am post menopausal. But for him it feels real, a sign of his love for me. To me, it is ok, because if I had known him earlier in my life, there is a good chance I would have wanted a baby with him. 

This isn’t all about him though, he will still make me orgasm. His fingers will still be caressing me and his cock will rub against my piercing. But he will want his orgasm to occur with his cock deep in my vagina. I love when that happens, partly because it is less common. But also it feels like sex that is born of love not just dominance and submission. There is glory for both in that moment 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

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New realities

Yesterday, we had sex. Spur of the moment, lustful afternoon sex. 

In the morning we woke in a large, but slightly chilly hotel room. Breakfast was served till 10, so even though we were both randy as hell, we deferred. We showered together, he lathered my body with soap and caressed my breasts. He held me and kissed me and bent forward to take my right nipple in his mouth.

I am feeling mighty odd about my right breast. The bruise from the biopsy has faded, but is just visible. The hardness inside, the cancer, remains for the moment. I look at my breasts in the mirror and think that the right one has changed shape. Perhaps, maybe. I am scared that after the operation I won’t feel like me any more. worse that he won’t want this new me. These are stupid and crazy thoughts, but they are real.

He loves my breasts

He calls them jugs, they belong to him, along with the rest of me and he loves them. Over 4 years ago, while our relationship was still new, I had my nipples pierced, for him. Also though for me, and we both love those piercings. Yesterday he took some photos, in the hotel room. He said what I was thinking, that we need to take photos now, just in case. In case I need a mastectomy and it doesn’t look the same. We have lots of photos of my breasts, many of them are on this blog, but knowing what is about to happen means we want more.

After breakfast we set off to a nearby city and wandered around the cathedral. As I wandered around, looking at the beautiful architecture, the stained glass, the tombs of clerics from centuries ago. I was struck by the peace of the place and could see how people might turn to the church and religion in times of need. I don’t have that feeling myself, but found the environment some how reassuring. A place where the fog can clear and the future, whatever it brings be faced. 

When we got home we had sex

Not straight away. He went off into his office to attend to some admin and sort through photos. I sat reading blogs, catching up on Twitter and responding to comments on here. Suddenly, he appeared in front of me. He asked what I was doing and without really waiting for an answer he unzipped his trousers. Moments later I had his cock in his mouth, it tasted very good. Slightly salty, warm and hard. My cunt throbbed a little. His cock filled my mouth.

We went upstairs and stripped off. On the bed, he ran his fingers over my slick vulva and proclaimed that I was turned on too. Damn right I was. He pushed slowly but surely inside and my body welcomed him. I needed this, wanted to feel him, to know that he wanted me. He moved in and out with ease, my body opening up like magic. My head cleared as it had in the church and I concentrated on him, his cock and his fingers. 

This wasn’t an epic sex session. A couple of orgasms for me, a change of position and he was coming inside me. But it was pure in the moment, carnal desire. I needed to know he still fancied me and he does. And what is more, I fancy him too and I don’t think that will change. I just need to remember that when things get tough. 

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A Moroccan Feast

Last weekend we had the pleasure of meeting Indigo and showing her around some of the delights of Oxford. As an alumnus of that particular seat of learning, Master loves to share his enjoyment of the architecture and academia. Indie and I were willing followers as we explored some of the colleges and the Pitt Rivers museum. A number of the hostelries were also sampled along the way. Finally we decided it was time for dinner.

Our favourite restaurant in Oxford is a delightful tapas place serving a fusion of Spanish and North African dishes in a relaxed setting. The bathroom though is particularly interesting as you can see below. 

You can find more fun shots from that evening on Indie’s blog. 

Sinful Sunday

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Health and healing

Health and illness

I think that most of us take our physical and probably emotional health for granted. Especially if you have had very little cause to do otherwise. I know I have.

Even though I have been a nurse for over 30 years, some of them looking after people who are very sick or dying. Even though my dad died 4 years ago this week and I cared for him at the end. I have taken my health for granted.

Unfortunately I can no longer do that. A week ago I received news that the biopsy taken earlier in the month was malignant. Today we have been to see the breast surgeon and specialist nurse. I now know the type of cancer – invasive lobular breast cancer and stage; 2. It is estimated to be 3cm, but with this type of cancer it is difficult to estimate size even with ultrasound. So in the next few days I will have an MRI scan. Next month I will have surgery, hopefully a lumpectomy of the tumour is no bigger than 3cm.

Healing

It is very difficult to think about the healing process right now. I am just moving from diagnosis to decision-making into the treatment phase of this condition. But what I can see is that I need to consider my whole self, physical and emotional in order that I will heal completely. My emotions are pretty mixed up. I feel annoyed that this has happened right now, just when we are ready to enjoy life. On the other hand, I am glad there is no work to deal with as I don’t think I could manage that kind of stress. I feel sad that I can’t really plan stuff to do at the moment, but will now have to take every day / week as it comes. Treatment won’t end with the surgery. Then there is my body image, something I wrote about last week. I have always been proud of my breasts, and Master absolutely loves them. There is a possibility that I will need a mastectomy, though this will also include reconstruction surgery. Whatever happens though, my body will look and feel different.

Healing for me while all of this is going on will be about continuing to do the things we enjoy. I can see that doing normal things like going to concerts and films, seeing friends and family will be vital. Time too, spent relaxing, just being together, reading, watching tv, sewing and of course blogging. I also want to try to lose this extra weight I am carrying and take some exercise.

Health and healing has taken on a new meaning for me, but I will be concentrating on the parts of it that I can control and leave the rest to the health professionals.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked