Music – The food of love

Music has been an ever present feature of my life. Apparently Shakespeare’s Twelth Night quote is about using music to cure an obsession with love. I am not obsessional about love, any more than I am about music, but do think the two go hand in hand.

Childhood

Nursery rhymes were a feature of my young life and I especially remember my grandmother singing them to me, though I am sure my mum did too. Speaking and singing to my own son followed and I loved the way they made him smile and laugh.

At home music was ever present. My parents had a large and varied record collection, my mum also listened to the radio and I especially remember radio programmes as the background to life at home. Tony Blackburn’s dog Arnold, Jimmy Young’s recipe of the day and of course a never ending stream of pop music. This was the 70’s and particularly summer time seemed full of sing along songs. Silence was not something you heard in our house. This is still true in my mum’s home, though while she still listen’s to the radio in the mornings, the noise more often is from the TV. I have since grown to like silence as much as I like to listen to music, but then I don’t live alone.

One Christmas when I was about 13 I recieved a tape deck from my parents. I had peviously had a radio in my room and used the family record player for my own records, but now I could listen to my music in my own room. David Cassidy, David Soul, the Osmands and my personal favourite Bay City Rollers were my teenage prefences. I loved to lay on my bed, dreaming of love or writing romantic fiction while the music wafted over me. Yes, I was something of a romantic.

Live music

Music and lots of it was played at school. I turned out to be pretty inept at playing my own chosen instrument, the clarinet, but there was no shortage of opportunities to listen to others. We also had practice music rooms, where we could go at lunchtime. I taught myself a few tunes on the piano, but in the main stuck to popular music. Luckily our music competitions and school plays encouraged a mixture. It wasn’t that I didn’t like classical music, it was that I didn’t understand it and wasn’t curious enough to find out.

My first experience of live music outside of school was a trip to see Gary Glitter. Sadly he turned out to be a paedophile so being one of ‘my gang’ wouldn’t be the thing now. But at the time, it was fun and exciting. I realised that seeing a singer or band live was a completely different experience to listening to them while lying on your bed at home.

It wasn’t until I was newly married though that I experienced more live music, starting with Queen at Knebworth, which luckily was very close to my then home town. This was live music on a scale I had only seen on TV. It was exciting, spine tingling, sexual even. After that I had the bug and we went to lots of smalleer concerts and then later on Robbie Williams also at Knebworth. In the main, I would never turn up the chance of live music even if I wasn’t sure it was to my taste. The experience and anticipation of being in the same room, hall or field with the musicians is something I love.

Attending classical recitals gives me the same thrill, and that is part of my life now.

A journey into the unknown

Master loves music. Jazz, show music, Lieder, Piano, Chamber and some pop. But he is discerning in his choice and views. He knows what he likes, will give what he doesn’t know a chance but won’t listen if he thinks something is wrong. his abiliity to identify musicians playing early 20th century jazz music is amazing but then he is also good at naming 70’s pop artists. He can tell if a piece is being played at the wrong tempo or if an instrument is out of tune or heaven forbid being played badly.

Being with Master has meant exploring a whole new avenue of music enjoyment and lots and lots of live music to enjoy. I have learned about various composers through attending educational events and festivals. I find the lives and times of Debussy, Wolf, Shumann etc. as fascinating as their music. I don’t claim to have great knowledge, but I am enjoying learning. Music was one of the non kink threads that bound us. We have learned and tolerated each others choices and grown to appreciate our differences.

Master also likes quiet. He loves music but cannot stand ever constant noise, he likes to be able to think. Over the years this is something I have grown to appreciate too. We sometimes have music playing when we eat or play or have sex. But equally there are many times when we don’t. We watch films and TV or actively listen to music of an evening. But sometimes we just sit quietly reading or we talk.

#F4TFriday

Return to CMnf

I was anxious, almost as scared as the first time. Would people stare at my scar, my lack to a right breast? Would I be able to walk with confidence from the locker room, through the bar and into the play area?
The answer is yes. I did feel self conscious as I removed my clothes, particularly bra. But if others in the locker room noticed anything they didn’t show it. Joining Master at the seats in the open play area he smiled appreciatively. He helped me put on the body chain we had brought with us for the occasion and I sank gratefully onto the sofa and took a sip of prosecco. It was cool and refreshing; I let the bubbles evaporate on my tongue.

The printed agenda for the afternoon informed us that temporary tattoos were available, and since I don’t yet have anything permanent, I went off in search of one. I was pleasantly surprised to find that these were being applied by the team member who has also had a mastectomy.
Months ago, she wrote on Fetlife about attending her first post mastectomy CMnf. I had reached out to her, making contact even though I knew I wouldn’t be attending that one. We had exchanged words of encouragement, so it was good to have this opportunity to speak. She applied my chosen tattoo just above my scar as requested. As we chatted briefly about our shared experience, I knew coming today had been the right thing to do.

Playtime

We sat on our own for a while and watched as people arrived and the new ones were shown round. There were a few familiar faces, but sadly no one we actually knew. However we were soon joined by a threesome. Two ladies, obviously partners and their clothed Dom. We exchanged pleasantries and then decided to get out playtime in early. Very few people had begun to play yet, so most of the equipment was free, meaning we had maximum choice.
We haven’t played much recently, partly because we didn’t take any toys on holiday (the car was too packed with other stuff for one thing). But it was good to be bent over a bench again, wearing the blindfold Master so thoughtfully gave me. While he sorted out his implements of torture I relaxed into my role and let the sounds of music wash over me. Classical tracks that were easy to escape into, starting with some Bach (so I was told).

Gentle, leather strokes on my back and bottom were followed by the familiar sting of the flogger. Next something altogether firmer and sharper, something bristly then down right painful. I protested and for my trouble was rewarded with clamps being applied to my labia! Apparently, complaining about this was being bratty, but anyway once they were in place they were less panful than another source of arousal.
More impact followed, some more painful than others. But even though I moaned and said no, the idea of asking for him to stop never crossed my mind. I settled into the pain and pleasure, allowed the music and even people’s voices to fill my subconscious. This was truly our best play session in a long time. I felt relaxed and at home. I wasn’t tired or stressed and for once I just let it happen.

Afterwards we returned to our sofa and I spent some time recovering, eating chocolate and drinking prosecco and water for hydration purposed. Our session, which our sofa neighbours had been watching with interest, broke the ice and led to much conversation. The afternoon then passed in a relaxed companionable way with our new found friends (there has been further contact through Fetlife and email), We will hopefully see them again in the future).

Another high point was when I was stopped on my way to the toilet by the club owner’s partner. She and her friend congratulated me on being there and being willing to show my body. She told me I looked great. I have to admit I felt it.
I know I wouldn’t take my top off on a beach right now. It wouldn’t feel right. But Taking my clothes off at CMnf felt good. It took courage, but that was rewarded many times over. The kink community can be truly wonderful, or so it felt last weekend.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Sun kissed skin

The past few days have been cooler and for the first time since the beginning of July I have worn trousers and a long sleeve shirt. While we had a few cool evenings on holiday even in France, there was still no need to cover up.

I love to feel the warm sun on my skin. Love that my arms and legs are now a golden tan colour. I have fair, freckly skin so am very careful. I apply lots of sun cream and moisturiser in the evening and try not to allow myself to burn. There are strap marks this year though as tops with thin straps were out and I had to wear a bra all the time. But next year I hope to be able to be braless much more and allow the sun to see a little more of my body.

We’ve had some great opportunities for photos where I show some flesh. Including those outdoors. I’ve just been reading Purple Sole’s post on planning such photoshoots, which is worth a read. Ours were a little more ad hoc meaning I didn’t completely strip off. But still we were able to make the most of near empty castles and remote countryside.

Not wearing so much also gives Master the chance to touch me, his property. There is something very sexy and arousing about being out in the open air. I know he loves to stroke my skin. Plus he loves to see my legs or back as we wander around. It really isn’t quite the same when you are out walking on a November afternoon, wrapped in wool.

Sadly the tan will fade and we will have to cover up and soon. The coats and boots will come out of the cupboard and the warm sun will be a memory. But the memories will remain. As will the evidence of a summer of sun. Our collection of photos.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Foreplay

We have a new toy. The old one was, perhaps a little worn out. This morning we tried it out and I can confirm that not only is it the perfect foreplay toy it is also pretty good at giving orgasms! Or maybe it was the skilled operator!

Sinful Sunday

Friends

The current “Tell Me About” topic is Friends. To be precise the topic is FrienD/s, or the people we have met and got to know because of our D/s (or M/s) relationship.

The difficulties

We have been together for just over 5 years and in the context of both of our lives, that is a short period of time. Neither of us has any close friends when we met. I have various people from school, nursing school and work that I occasionally socialise with. But the ending of my marriage also ended some friendships, or it stopped me being asked places. Not that I was or am especially worried. I’m not sure that Master is one for close friends either.

In addition there is the issue of the context of our relationship, the power exchange thing. That doesn’t preclude us from having friends, but it could make it awkward. We have a friend who lives in Holland, she has been a friend of Master’s for a long time. I expect she knows something of our dynamic though we haven’t discussed it with her. But the three of us can discuss most things and have done.

Otherwise, we are reasonably close to my brother and his partner and are considering a holiday with them next year. I wouldn’t feel comfortable discussing the nature of our M/s relationship with them. As far as they know we are regular people, which of course we are.

Everyone else we socialise with are people we’ve met through this blog or through Fetlife.

Online acquaintances can become good friends

I have Molly and Michael to thank for the fact that I have got to know quite so many people from the kink and blogging community. We had attended a couple of Munches before we went to theirs. But it is through that Munch we met Sub B and her partner, @Bear’s Cub and @Hairy Dom and others who don’t blog. We don’t get along every month but it is our favourite type of regular social event. It is through Molly that we have attended CMnf and other play events at the same club. There we met an Irish couple who we hit it off with and I am now in touch with the s of that relationship regularly. In fact I think we will be seining them next week.

I love that we can all talk, not just about ordinary stuff like holidays, work, the weather or whatever, but also sex, kink and blogging. That my first public play took place in front of a group of people that I know from the Munch. I also know that isn’t what everyone would feel comfortable with, but it works just fine for me.

Eroticon

For many of us, it is Eroticon that brought us physically together. We may have begun by commenting on each other’s blogs and felt an affinity there. Then chatted on twitter or via DM and finally got the courage to book tickets to the writing and blogging event of the year.

As I’ve written before, I hardly spoke to a soul I hadn’t already met on my first Eroticon in 2017. This year was completely different. My confidence has grown immensely and already counted some people as friends before we had met in person this year. This meant that we ended up going to both social events and spent prolonged periods of time engaged in conversation with a number of fabulous people. I’d really love to get to know many of these friends better, but time and geography tend to get in the way.

Having met in person at Eroticon we made a point of meeting up and having dinner with Rebel and Master T when we were staying near their home town. I’m sure there will be meetings with others in the future if the chance arises. I guess Missy and His Lordship might think Scotland would be a good call and I’d be inclined to agree!

tellmeabout

The disappearing orgasms

Early on in our relationship I wrote about the importance Master placed on giving me pleasure. That he loved me to orgasm and to orgasm a lot. While my orgasms have belonged to him from day one and I have always had to ask permission, they have not been in short supply. Until this year that is.

Our sex life hasn’t really been affected by my breast cancer and treatment. I guess that is partly because we have made a particular effort to have sex. We have made the time which luckily hasn’t been a problem. He is a considerate lover, not shy of putting my needs first. Though the nature of our relationship means that sex often begins with him wanting to take possession of me and of my holes. Foreplay has become less of an issue as I am often eager for him to push his cock in (usually) my vagina. My focus then is on whether I can easily accommodate him and then on giving him pleasure.

The tablets I take to stop production of oestrogen have caused something of a second menopause. But thankfully while I experience hot flushes and a few aches and pains, I haven’t suffered from vaginal dryness. This has been something of a relief and has made me all the more keen to feel him inside me. I get seriously aroused by his excitement and am often pretty wet as he pushes his cock in. But for some reason I have become less worried about whether I orgasm at all. Once or twice I have definitely had G-spot orgasms but the powerful clitoral ones I so enjoy have been elusive.

Sometimes recently Master has asked if I want to orgasm, even when he is rubbing my clitoris and to be honest I have been at best undecided. Previously he could demand I orgasm and miraculously I would, that no longer seems possible.

I suspect the tablets are to blame.

Master has now decided that he wants me to orgasm and once he raised the issue, I realised that it is something I want too. After all who in my position would actually choose not to if offered the chance.

This week, I have had two. Both while his cock has been deep inside my vagina. Each time he has used a vibrator of some kind to give direct stimulation to my clitoris.. And having been seriously rocked by one particular long and powerful explosion a couple of mornings ago, I definitely want more.

I’m hoping that this is the start of something good. Further work and attention is definitely needed!

Getting back to the core of who I am

During normal, every day life it is easy to lose sight of what is really important. To imagine the small irritations of decision making, the routine of work and household activities are everything. It is easy to lose sight of your core, what makes you tick. The things that brought you together. Sometimes it takes a complete change in those routines to help you focus on what is really important.

Two of this week’s meme prompts lend themselves well to this topic – The Wicked Wednesday prompt is Core and Erotic Journal Challenge one is Retreat. The past few weeks for us have been in the form of a retreat. We left home on 8th July and only returned on 24th August. During that time we have travelled the length of France, from Calais in the north to a small seaside village in Aude in the south. Along the way we visited several towns, taking time to enjoy the culture and explore the countryside. After a couple of weeks chilling out we moved onto a boat and spent a week travelling at almost walking pace. After a long weekend celebrating my mum’s 80th birthday in England we returned to France. A week later we began the return journey through northern Spain before returning home.

During much of that time our engagement with others was limited. For days on end we heard no English voices. We had no need to be anywhere dictated by anyone else. We took time to be together and to explore our relationship in a way that hasn’t been possible before.

The craziness

As regular readers will know the past year has been something of a rollercoaster and whirlwind combined. Last year I moved in with Master in July. Having packed up a three bedroom house and leaving little behind I brought a lot with me. In August I finished work. We had plans to spend the autumn and winter sorting the house so that my stuff fitted along with Master’s. But our lives were thrown into turmoil in September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was not until February that the treatment was finished and we were able to get into any kind of proper routine.

Our relationship is strong, but we struggled to sort our what our roles and responsibilities to each other were. To understand what we wanted from our M/s, our sex lives and how much we wanted the outside world to inform and define us.

The retreat

It was the knowledge that I’ve been paying the (not insignificant) bills on a property in France I have barely had time to visit that spurred us. Plus neither of us are working (permanently) and caring responsibilities (for me) are limited right now. No one we spoke to seemed to think it would be a problem if we disappeared off for 6 weeks or so.

Plans were made, ferries, hotels and flights were booked and with a very full car we left for France.

Just putting the channel between us and our real lives was enough. We had suitcases of clothes, but packed a smaller bag for a few days at a time. An electric cool box meant we could picnic rather than eat in restaurants during the day. Stops were planned just 150-200km apart so we had time to see the sights, but also downtime. We didn’t always take breakfast. This meant that we could spend longer in bed, not necessarily sleeping.

Getting back to the core of who I am

This trip gave me the chance to get to the core of me as a person, my raison d’être if you will. Also for considering who and what we are. For Master it was about exploring my submission and reclaiming it in a way he hasn’t been able to for some time. We spent a lot of time talking about what my submission and his Dominance mean to us. Exploring our roles, sexually and literally.

The cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and treatment affected us more than we realised at the time. This time away gave us the chance to look back and articulate some of those issues. To get to the core of what breast cancer meant for me, a woman and him my partner. I articulated what he knew, that I struggle with my remaining breast. Worry about my lack of cleavage etc. The tablets I now take to dampen down my hormone levels seem to have affected my ability fo orgasm easily. All of these impact up on Master and the way he manages our sex life.

But also we were able to distance ourselves from the world. Not only family but the messed up politics, social media circus and yes my blog. Having said that, when my data package was used up while we had no wifi on the boat, I bought more. Plus, Master dropped his phone in the canal and was without for a few days. That made him positively on edge. So we have a way to go before we are ready to disappear completely even for a few days.

So, we are back. Recharged and ready to face existing and new challenges. Hopefully happier human beings and closer to each other than ever we were.

The photo below was taken from one of our hotel rooms and gives a flavour of our time in retreat.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Why I blog – to write and to read

There is something about writing here on my blog and posting my words online that I love. I have kept various diaries and journals over the years, but tended not to continue them for long. Blogging involves not only writing but reading the words of others and interacting with those writers. That is something that appeals to me.

Writing

My first blog was about my work environment. The health service is always subject to change and blogging was a way of expressing my views about it. I saw that other nurses and medics were doing the same and thought why not. I loved the anonymity and ability to express myself. Writing was something I had always enjoyed but I was surprised to find others read and commented on my ramblings.

This was somehow different from writing papers and reports for work, at last my own voice was emerging. This was a space for me to give my opinion as well as to compare my experiences with those of others.

I’ve explained before that when I started this blog I deleted my work related one. I have to admit I still regret doing so, but was worried about being double discovered.

This blog started during another period of change, this time more personal. I wrote about my own voyage of discovery – infidelity, a new relationship, my sexuality and exposing kink. So much was wizzing around in my head that I needed to write it down. And since I had the experience of my original blog, what better way to journal than through a blog.

Reading

I started off writing for myself, to express my own thoughts and feelings. But I barely wrote anything without also reading the words of others. My real life kink exporation took place while reading the books and blogs of others. My thirst for knowledge and information was immense. I was reassured to find that I wasn’t the only one to discover a side to themselves they didn’t previously know about. To experience a sexual awakening. Reading other people’s work made me want to write more. Whether in response to something I’d read or because I’d had my own new idea.

I’m still in contact with a few of the people I ‘met’ through my first blog and while none of them still blog, we are facebook friends. I’d love to have met some of them, but know it probably won’t happen. I never imagined when I started this blog that I would become part of a community. That I would meet my fellow bloggers and make new friends along the way.

Writing for self or for others

For the first couple of years I was really writing for myself and about myself. I interacted with other bloggers, but only knew them through the blog. S got to know about the blog after a year or so, but wasn’t massively interested in it. He read it and liked what he read. But when things between us changed I didn’t really need to worry that he would be upset by what I wrote. In hindsight I could have been much more open and honest about our relationship. Instead I mainly wrote about the sex which happened infrequently. I didn’t write about the long periods of silence from him or the fact that I was struggling to work out what to do with my life.

When I met Master I told him about my blog and he began to read. He has never stopped reading. He often reads back to the beginning of our relationship and he always reads new posts and comments. Over time this has inevitably made me write for him as well as myself. Also it has meant I have censored myself from writing things that might cause him upset. I am also careful to protect elements of our relationship that he, I or we would rather others didn’t know.

The run up to my moving here to live with him was difficult as both our emotions ran high. But I didn’t write much about that. Looking back, it was probably tiredness as much as anything.

Writing a personal diary

I would say that my breast cancer diagnosis changed my writing and it’s purpose. It was easier to tell people I had come to know and respect online and in person through my blog. I wanted to express my feelings to myself and to Master in a way that I couldn’t verbalise. But also I knew that I might want to look back on those times afterwards.

At times I struggled with the thought that the purpose of this blog was to write about our relationship journey. About kink and sex. But with encouragement from fellow bloggers and of course Master I realised that I can write about anything that is important to me at a given time.

After all, this blog started as a personal account. It was a diary of sorts when my husband discovered my infidelity and later when I navigated the challenges of a poly relationship.

Writing for others

Many people have commented that my cancer journey blogs may help others. That is hopefully the case, but they were written more for myself. When I write for a meme prompt I usually do so because I have something to say on the topic. But sometimes I admit to writing because I want to participate. That is definitely true of new memes and also month long challenges such as the Blogging A-Z.

Recently when on holiday I realised that I had writing fatigue. So, I made a conscious decision not to blog. I worried that I was missing memes and that people would stop visiting. But I believe that you should not only write but read too. So finding myself without the time to read, I decided not to blog either. And I feel better and more energised for it.

Eroticon and Smut Marathon

Both Eroticon, the annual writers and bloggers conference and Smut Marathon the now annual writing competition have influenced my writing. Apart from individual blogs and websites, these are key external influences.

Eroticon provided me the opportunity to learn more about sex and erotic writing as well as meet like minded people. It has also made me see that my work is recognised and valued by others. Meeting fellow writers in person and having face to face conversations with them has spurred me to keep writing and posting.

Smut Marathon gave me the chance to push myself to write fiction, something I don’t find easy to do. The competition challenged me to emerge from the comfort zone of factual and opinion pieces. It also opened me up to criticism that I hadn’t experienced though blogging. I enjoyed participating but am not sure whether I would do so again. However, it did show that I can write fiction to a reasonable level. This is something I will challenge myself to do more of this autumn.

So in conclusion…

I write for me and for Master. I write for those who engage with me. But without the work of others to read and comment on there would be little for me to write about. I doubt I would have continued this blog if no one every visited or engaged with me. It would have lasted as long as my paper journals, usually half way through January.

#F4TFriday

Topless

This is my first (and hopefully last) summer with just one boob. The idea of going braless, let alone topless is pretty much a step too far at the moment. Even around the house, I feel weird without a bra. But in hot weather wearing a bra (or swimming costume) all of the time is a bit much.

Probably the best part of our time away was the boat holiday. We chose a route that had few locks since it was my first time. Also there were just the two of us on the boat. That also meant that for hours at a time we saw very few other boats and the people on them. This gave me the chance to leave my bra off for a while and then to take my dress off for this shot.

I love this, even though it isn’t a close up, because it shows the beauty of our surroundings and that no one else was around. I have a close up which I’ll show another time. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my body again, but posting pictures of me topless is still challenging. However I know I was happy and relaxed that day and so I feel happy to share.

We are on a boat on the canal du rhone à Sete. I am at the back of the boat topless. I only have a left boob as I have has a mastectomy
Photo by Master
Sinful Sunday