Carelessness found me out in November 2012 just 7 months into the affair with S. The irony is that I hadn’t been able to see much of S and had been chatting to a different guy. He and I had been for lunch; there never was going to be anything in that relationship. But the person was local and lunch had been fun. Hubby found an email thanking me for lunch and confronted me. Rather than flatly deny anything I decided to come clean. So the cat was well and truly out of the bag!
During the original conversation on Monday, while backed into a corner, I said something very unkind to hubby, essentially telling him that I no longer found him sexually arousing. This of course is the thing that plays in his mind. But actually this is a reality that he has known for a long time and it is really what led me on this course in the first place. That and discovering the submissive and kinky side to me that I now know I crave.
The truth was I’d fallen out of love
Over a period of 20 years or so I’d changed. The man I married really hadn’t. He was needy and always seeking reassurance. But also he was someone who over time had told me an immense number of lies. What’s more he’d cheated on me from early in our relationship. Over time hurt turned to anger and then resentment. He trusted me but I really didn’t trust him at all. In the end the friendship we had and which he put a lot of value on wasn’t enough.
On discovering that I was having sex with another man and had no intention of giving him up, hubby became extremely unpleasant. Making threats that he would have S beaten up, that he would follow me and ultimately laughing like a drain when S ended it with me.
But at the same time I made numerous offers to make a go at it with hubby. All of this turned out to be a waste of breath, because by December 2012 he’d started a relationship with someone else.
For the first time in 30 years, hubby and I have been apart this Christmas. Indeed I have not seen him for 6 days. In that time, there have been a number of texts and one, quite unpleasant phone conversation on Christmas morning. I have spent time with our son, he and I have spent time on Christmas day with my parents and on boxing day with hubby’s family. (Apparently he was helping the homeless, though whether this ever happened is unknown)
From Christmas eve morning until boxing night I felt very low. Probably worse than I have felt for many months. I wasn’t tearful like I was when S told me things were over between us in the summer, but I just felt low. Felt that everything was a chore, too much effort. But, because I am a reasonable actress and because I hate people being sorry for me, I pulled myself into shape and got on with things. (My usual coping mechanism)
My son (aged 21) and I exchanged presents on Christmas morning (a lopsided exchange of course), he gave me a lovely hug and was very attentive. Then we set off for a quiet Christmas day with my parents. When we arrived, unknown to me, I had been assigned the task of cooking Christmas dinner. I don’t remember being asked, but as ever, I got on with things, and this year it was a small event. Later my teenage niece and nephew arrived and we played some fun games. I went to bed feeling somewhat happier than I had in the morning.
On boxing day evening we went off to a family party hosted by hubby’s parents. This was an awkward event. They asked me about what hubby was up to, when he had decided to help the homeless etc. I know little of what he has been up to and as far as I know he decided to help the homeless so he wouldn’t have to face his and my family at Christmas. Still I pulled it off and my son told me later I did a good job.
(My son’s estimation of his dad dipped below zero that day. His poor parents were mystified, but we couldn’t help. Just a day or two later I discovered that hubby was living with another woman. All the stuff he’d told me over the previous months turned out to be a lie. Which is why I have no idea if the helping the homeless thing was true or not).
Divorce was a long time coming
Very soon after this I met Master. However this relationship was different because it started after I knew hubby was seeing someone else. So, even though he continued to say he loved me, no attempt was ever made to get in the way of our relationship.
Hubby’s behaviour was at times damn well odd though. Coming in the house early in the morning. Leaving his work clothes in the machine for me to wash. I also continued to make his lunch and leave it in the fridge. What a crazy, guilt ridden woman I must have been.
There were other scenes to come, most notably when I took my wedding ring off. But I think hubby knew back early 2014 there was no going back. Shame it took until 2020 for the divorce to be final.
Looking back I have few regrets. Just really the order I did them in. Plus not changing the locks right back then.
Funnily enough things are reasonably amicable now. The man can irritate me but I’m ok to sit with him and have a coffee. What’s more I’ve also been known to do so with his partner who now owns my part of the house.
Lying in a relationship is like leaving a needle somewhere in your clothes. Pricks you with every movement and always unexpectedly.