Introducing D/s into a vanilla relationship

This is something that I never did. When I started to read about Dominance and submission the one thing I knew deep down was that I didn’t want to try such a thing with my then husband. There are a number of reasons for this.

The relationship has run it’s course

We had been married for nearly 30 years when I strayed. The relationship had limped along for years, more a friendship than a love affair. Of course, it is inevitable that a long-lasting relationship will lack that first flush of passion. Ours involved very little sex by the end, but it was more fundamental than that. I actually began to dislike being together, living in the same house. The little irritations that had been there all along started to play on my mind and feel much bigger than they probably were.

When I began to look for more excitement in my sex life and for a different type of relationship I knew that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted, no matter how hard we tried.

He is not able to be dominant and I don’t want to be

I’m as sure as I can be that my husband would have been amenable to trying D/s. But he really isn’t able to be dominant all of the time. No doubt I could have switched with him, but the more I discovered about D/s the more I knew that would never work. I craved someone who would not only take me in hand in the bedroom, but who would carry it through.

The benefit of time and a good M/s relationship has proved me right

Looking at my life now and the interactions I still have with my ex show me that I am right. Also my observation of his current relationship is that my ex’s new partner is the more dominant one. She has picked up where I left off and provides the guiding hand that I became so tired of providing.

I know that I need the dominance of my Master. I need him to provide me with structure and control. I need the sex life we have, one which is kinky and exciting. I want and need the play that he plans and controls.

I know that many people have moved from a long standing vanilla relationship into a D/s one. I know that the change has saved a number of relationships. But I am sure that it would have been a disaster for me and may have prevented me from finding the happiness I now have.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Issues of consent

Today’s topic on the 30 days of D/s is consent. I wrote a comprehensive post about consent and what it means to me for my A-Z of blogging in April (I for Informed Consent). I’m not sure I have much more to say on the topic.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Safeword

You often read of slaves that have no limits and no safeword, but in essence I have both. As I wrote last time, Master takes care of my limits (though these were negotiated). I do have a safeword, but have never used it.

Green

In both of my BDSM relationships we have used the traffic light system. Green when everything is good. During a scene it is important for the dominant partner to check in regularly that all is well. There might be occasions when the sub can’t speak (if gagged or in subspace) and so is unable to say the word. So non-verbal communication is vital. I’ve found it is perfectly easy to communicate green (or another colour to Master even if gagged, by nodding, eye contact or some kind of hand signal.

Amber

Amber often denotes some kind of limit is being reached. Perhaps the pain is becoming intense or restraint uncomfortable. Sometimes an adustment is needed but other times it is time to push the limit a little. Again, eye contact, verbal and non verbal communication helps identify when it is ok to continue and when things should stop. I called yellow recently (though didn’t actually say the word yellow) when tied to a St Andrew’s cross.

My right arm doesn’t have the same range of movement it did before my mastectomy. I wanted to try it but found that after a few minutes I had to ask to be untied. Because we know each other well and Master was attentive we reached my limit and he untied me. This has just made me want to get that arm more supple so it is ok to be tied in that way in the future.

Red

Red is my safeword. I have never actually used it as I have never felt the need. However, I would and being Master’s slave wouldn’t stop me. It is testament to him that we have never needed to move past amber or me asking for a break. He is respectful of my needs and always keeps a close eye on how I am doing.

Perhaps I don’t really need a safe word? But if I ever felt I did it is there.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

My Limits

When I came into this relationship I did so with few preconceived ideas. Though I’d been in another D/s type relationship there was little I’d come across that I didn’t particularly like. The key for me is discussion and negotiation (as per my last post). I may be lucky, but most of the things that would be a complete no for me are the same for Master. So in the main I have been prepared to try most things once.

Hard limits

These would be the things I (or we) wouldn’t be prepared to entertain in our relationship. For me these would include anything involving a nappy (diaper), scat (poo) and serious breath play (such as having my head in a plastic bag or something). There may be others but I haven’t come across them or been asked to consent to them.

But my actual hard limit might surprise some people. I refuse to dress up as a nurse.

I might not work as a nurse now and the last time I wore a uniform for work is more than 20 years ago. But I am a nurse and I will not wear some sexy nurse outfit for anyone. I have dressed as a maid and in a short Christmas dress. I’d dress up in most outfits for fancy dress or a thrill. But a nurse? No. Neither of my Doms have found this a deal breaker.

Soft limits and CNC

Our relationship is built on one of Total Power Exchange and Consent Non-consent. That means that I have signed my soft limits over to Master. He controls them and where necessary pushes them.

An example of something that I would rather not do but isn’t a hard limit is water sports. This is play that involves peeing on him or the ground, or else being peed on. I’ve not been asked to swallow it and am not sure it is something I’d want to do. But actually urine is pretty harmless if it is on your body, though I do prefer to be able to clean up soon after. Over time I have almost come to like the feel of peeing in front of him or over him and really don’t mind him doing it to me.

So, our contract, which I wrote about last time has statements such as:

“This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master

and

“This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  

If there really is something I’m not sure about then we will talk about it. But it would need to be pretty far out for me to refuse without trying. That might have something to do with experience so far, or age or the fact I trust Master explicitly and implicitly. Or a combination of all of the above.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Negotiating a power exchange relationship

At the beginning of our relationship there was a certain element of excitement. At times it felt we were throwing ourselves into the situation, pushing boundaries. We met at weekends, there were play scenes and there was sex. We both knew he was dominant and I submissive, that this was a power exchange and in those first weeks we played our roles well. But there was also a lot of communication, via messenger and Skype. Discussion and negotiation. Master had a reasonably clear idea of how he wanted things to go, and he wanted to check out with me what I thought. I wrote about it here on my blog quite a bit.

Initial negotiations and agreement

One of the first things Master asked me to do was to refer to myself in the third person. He believed that by doing so I would be able to remove myself as Julie from the equation and instead focus on my role as submissive object. The only way I could think of to try this out (other than when we were together) was to write my blog in the third person. It is interesting to note that writing this way is actually easier than speaking it. This rule remains in place, but I struggle to keep it up unless in the throws of subspace. But it really is effective at getting me to concentrate on my submissive self and let everything else fade away.

Discussions about underwear occured around the same time and then moved onto orgasm control and finally piercings. It was at this point we both knew that things were perhaps a little more serious than we had admitted. It became clear that even if the relationship didn’t last for ever, we wanted to formalise things in our own minds. So Master drew up a contract.

Our power exchange contract

We are very aware that formal contracts negotiated in BDSM relationships have no bearing in law. But they are useful in setting out the responsibilities of both parties. Around July 2014, just 6 months after our relationship began we agreed such a contract. Master wrote an initial document and I made suggestions for changes and additions, but on the whole I agreed with what he had written.

This was no accident, as we had already been discussing what would be included and also doing some of the things that we’re included.

The main thrust of the contract was about acknowledging his power over me. That I was an owned slave who had responsibilities in ensuring that my body was prepared as he wanted and available for him to use. So it included items about how I should keep my pubic hair and when I should wear a butt plug. There were elements of my behaviour I was keen to be helped with. I was emerging from a long marriage where I had needed to be more dominant than I felt comfortable with. I needed Master’s help to be able to let go and trust another to make decisions for me. Taking over conversations and doing things for people were just two of the areas I wanted to attend to.

Revisiting the contract

Over time we have settled into the relationship we want to have. For a while the contract slipped into the background. Our M/s ebbed and flowed and during busy periods was sometimes almost on the back burner. Prior to my moving in with Master last year we were busy with getting my house ready to sell plus I had a demanding job. We travel frequently so it was easy for elements of the contract to slip a little. Then soon after moving in I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So it is really only over the past couple of months that we have begun to discuss how our contract should be revisited.

This is now in progress. Once again, Master has drawn up a first draft and I now need to reflect on the proposed changes and make some of my own before we agree it. This time though I do want some kind of accountability to be included. Now we live together there is no excuse for me to ‘forget’ to do things or assume it’s ok for me to do and say what I want. Master isn’t majorly into punishment, so we will need to discuss what the consequences of contract breaches will be.

For me this is a huge step. In a way, it is the culmination of my submissive journey. But also the start of another one.

Postscript

Close to the start of our relationship Master and I had a private blog, which on reading I realised was a key part of the negotiation process. I’ll write more about the contents soon and will link here when I do.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Title: slave

This is day 3 of the Loving BDSM 30 days of Kink – Titles and labels. I identify as slave.

One of the joys of being Master’s slave is the opportunity it provides me to shed my vanilla persona. For a minute, an hour, a day or however long it is, I can be ‘this girl’ His bitch, a number even. Most of the times when I can focus in this way are during a scene or in bed. But sometimes it may be a moment in the kitchen, the car or out walking. A moment to focus on who I am, who I serve and what that means.

I didn’t choose to be called slave. Master chose me. He decided that is what best fitted his needs and after discussion and negotiation we agreed that was who I was to be. And while I am always his slave, there are specific times when we concentrate much more on our roles. At these times our power exchange relationship comes to the fore and that is all that matters.

Sex slave

All of our sex has a kinky element, overlaid heavily with BDSM. He very much gets off on the power element of being my Master and Lord. During sex he also likes us to reaffirm our roles as Master and slave. That he owns my limits and that I need to be dominated. This in turn helps to free my mind and concentrate on what is important, him. Sex tends to take place in the mornings, though occasionally, like last night late at night. We don’t tend to scene or play, though we may use toys such as vibrators or dildos. He controls my orgasms and that is another important element of our M/s relationship. I’ll talk about this in another post.

Service slave

We share household responsibilities between us, therefore doing all of the cooking and cleaning etc. isn’t something I am expected to do. But I do take the initiative to do things that I think will make his life easier. This doesn’t however extend to his ironing etc. When we are out Master takes charge of what we are doing, where we are going and often these days I just let it happen. This is particularly true when we go on holiday, he does all the organising and I buy a guidebook and enjoy the surprise element of where we end up. From a service point of view then, I lead an easy life.

Events

We attend local munches and when we are with friends and like minded people there is no protocol about us. I wear my collar, but otherwise people wouldn’t know I am a slave. I do enjoy attending play events, especially CMnf. I’d like to attend more of these kind of events, including those that are higher protocol. I think I would enjoy the challenge.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Thoughts on submission

This is the second post in the Loving BDSM series 30 days of D/s.

Does a submissive have certain behaviors?

Over the past few years I have met many submissive people, in real life and through the blog and social media. There do seem to be common traits and behaviours that people share. There are many nurses and teachers in our midst, so perhaps caring and nurturing appeal to someone who identifies as submissive. We are often people who appear strong and independent, intelligent and able. But peel away the layers and there is often a vulnerability. A need to serve another, for structure, to be cared for. For me also, I have a need to give the responsibility for decision making to another person. Not for every aspect of life, but an increasing number things.

Do submissives do specific tasks?

There is no one type of submissive, so while many do specific tasks they won’t necessarily be the same ones. The key thing for me is a desire to serve, whether that is providing food, support or other practical things. Or else serving sexually, being ready for use in what ever way he chooses. I don’t have tasks that are expected to be done each day, but more general rules which relate to actions and behaviour.

When you think of a submissive and submission, what thoughts come to mind?

Submission for me is about acknowledging that my life is about serving my dominant, my Master. That he has total power and control of me in all aspects of life. In reality this means that I no longer have secrets, always discuss worries and concerns and where necessary and desirable defer to him for a decision. I often complain and argue but in the end I will usually accept his decision. Though he has been wrong on occasions and said so.

It is in the bedroom or playroom that my submission shows itself more effectively. That is because there I am able to shake off the thoughts and responsibilities of daily life and put myself in his hands. When orgasm control, cock worship, sexual play, impact play and other elements of BDSM come to play. That is when my submissive self more closely matches those you read about in fictional stories and M/s manuals.

But life can’t be one long dungeon scene and I wouldn’t want it to be. So in the main, and average person wouldn’t know I was a submissive. But Master does and that is what matters.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

30 days of D/s

I have had the great pleasure in meeting Kayla and John from Loving BDSM at Eroticon. They both provide some excellent resources about kink, BDSM and D/s relationships through their websites and podcasts. So it is with great pleasure that I embark upon 30 days of D/s. I’m not planning on posting these every day, but will do so over the next few weeks as and when feels right. After the pressure of the Blogging A-Z, I do need to give myself a break.

Day 1: What does dominance in a relationship mean to you?

First and foremost a partner is a partner. If you are in a relationship then there needs to be respect on both side. Communication between parties, where it is possible to challenge and disagree. In a D/s relationship though it is the dominant partner that takes the lead in most areas and who has the final say where necessary.

Our relationship is based on a power exchange. This means that I have consented that my dominant partner should own me, completely. What? I hear you cry, he owns you? In reality this starts in the bed or play room and then spreads out into our everyday life. I must ask permission for an orgasm and at play I am always in the submissive role.

But that doesn’t mean that I wait about to be told what to do and how to do it, that I can’t function. But I must be mindful of his expectations of me and the clearly agreed rules of our relationship. He makes many of the decisions that affect us both and I defer to him when I am unsure of what he would want me to do. That I am happy to do this speaks volumes of him as a person, because when I came into this relationship I was used to making most if not all decisions.

What traits will a Dominant have?

My experience of dominant men is that they tend to know what they want and how they might get it. They like to be in control of a situation and pretty much hate to be told what to do. Of course there are men that have these traits and would be terrible dominants in a D/s relationship. So that’s where emotional intelligence comes in.

My Master does not like to be told what to do. But that doesn’t mean we don’t spent a lot of time making decisions together. Communication is vital; the ability to listen and hear. The willingness to think about things and not say no as a matter of course, because the submissive came up with an idea. Most of all though, the dominant is a human being and will have needs too. They shouldn’t be frightened to admit that sometimes they need help. Sometimes they are vulnerable and may need to show it.

How should a Dominant behave?

Like any grown up, adjusted human being. Respect for others is vital in my book. Master’s ability to read my moods and to adjust to my needs is paramount. Especially when we are in situations where my own judgement is affected. For example during impact play, or even when I slightly loose the plot during a stressful time in everyday life.

A dominant will hopefully put the needs of their submissive before others, depending on the situation. Of course we are also partners, we live together and on the face of it we are just like any other couple in the same situation. Few people would notice that I tend to defer to him more than might be expected. But that is often because we make no big deal about it. We are regular people who happen to be Dominant and submissive.