Breast Cancer – Being aware

I wasn’t going to write anything about Breast Cancer Awareness. But having read May’s wonderful post about her friend Shirley and watched Tabitha’s fabulous Vlog I feel compelled.

A year ago next week I had a right mastectomy for Lobular Breast Cancer. I had progressed through my adult life thinking that Breast Cancer was a disease that would happen to someone else. I took the pill for a limited time, I breast fed my son, I haven’t taken HRT. But of course the disease is less selective than that. If I were to believe everything I read, then my lifestyle – diet, weight and alcohol intake – are to blame. But since my cancer was hormone dependent, it is surely more complex than that.

Early detection

In the UK mammograms are offered every 3 years to women over 50 as well as annually to those who have a previous history. However, many breast cancers aren’t detectable, mine wasn’t and nor are many of those found by younger women. Nor, unfortunately is an ultrasound conclusive, so if you find a lump it will have to be biopsied. 

That means you need to spend time regularly feeling your own breasts, which I know isn’t a particular problem to many people. Certainly not to me. What’s more, your partner (if you have one) can help. Finding something unusual is only possible if you know what is normal. And if you discover something – lumps, bumps, a discharge from your nipple – then see your doctor.

Stupidly I was too scared, too blasé that it was nothing and too busy with work and moving to a new house to go to the doctor as soon as I should. I’ve been told it probably made no difference but seeing someone sooner might have resulted in a lumpectomy. Not mastectomy. So, my advice is to check your breasts regularly and use Tabitha’s vlog to help you.

Being Open

There are still people out there who don’t know I have had breast cancer. By that I mean some family and friends I haven’t seen in a while. Also those I’d rather didn’t know. But that number is small and shrinking.

At the time of my diagnosis I was anxious about having to give bad news to people. I found it upsetting to have to say the words: I have breast cancer. My natural instinct is to try to caveat bad news with positivity and it’s wrong to do that when you just don’t know. Also I didn’t want to be the subject of some people’s gossip, not that that didn’t happen. Friends and family of people I told later came up at social events to ask how I was and commiserate with me. But I guess that is human nature.

But what is very clear is that you can’t manage a cancer diagnosis alone. There are so many doctors appointments and decisions to be made. Although the medical and nursing staff provided their opinion of what I should do, ultimately it was my body. I consider myself the property of my Master, but these were decisions we had to take together. And ultimately I signed the consent form for my mastectomy, I underwent the numerous scans and X-rays and I had the thing done.

Helping others

This blog is the one place I have been able to express myself fully (other than with Master). Sometimes I have done so here as a rehearsal for discussions with others. Friends and fellow bloggers accompanied me on my journey, many of you who will probably read this post. But also others have contacted me through my blog and I hope this will continue to happen.

A breast cancer diagnosis is horrible. Indeed the uncertainty of finding a lump or being recalled from a mammogram is no fun either. So if my willingness to share my thoughts and feelings helps others then all this is worth it. And if I can link to others who are willing to promote breast cancer awareness to their fellow humans with breasts then we can break down the stigma that cancer still holds for many people.

Examine your breasts, seek help if anything is amiss and don’t keep your worries to yourself.

All of my breast cancer links can be found here.

Fear

The Erotic Journal Challenge for October is Fear. I love that Brigit has gone for a month long theme and hope it is something she will continue. I love to join in with memes but struggle with my originality and often feel I am repeating myself. For this one though I may well post a couple (or more) essays on my thoughts about my fears. Brigit has helpfully posed a few questions and this is the first one:

What are your sexual fears / insecurities?

Body image

I guess most of my sexual fears relate to my body and insecurities about it. I currently weight the most I have pretty much ever. I want to lose weight and am trying. But so far this year I have failed spectacularly in doing so. This massively affects my self image and I struggle to see why I might be attractive to another person. I also know that I am less fit than I could be so not very agile.

Finally of course there is the small matter of only having one tit. This is most evident (unsurprisingly) when I am naked. A by product of having had cancer are the hormone inhibiting tablets I take, which have side effects of weight gain and joint pain. The latter for me is more of a stiffness, which makes getting up from the floor for example a challenge.

Performance

We have had our fair share of sexual performance issues over the years. I am always fearful that another is around the corner. I am not so young and agile, I am overweight and taking hormone inhibiters. What if my vaginal juices dry up, what if I can’t get into a particular position, what if I can’t orgasm? From time to time all of the above have happened, though each has been a passing phase. There was also a period of time when my body seemed to go into spasm when he pushed his cock into me, causing pain. This lasted a little longer, but also passed. However I am always worried the problem will return.

I worry that Master will no longer fancy me, that my body will not satisfy his needs. Or that I will begin to push him away as I did my husband. So far this has only happened if I am tired or emotional, but the fear is always there. What’s more, he says he fancies me more than ever, that he wants and needs me.

Getting over our fears

I haven’t arrived at the age of 57 without learning to be realistic. That my body, that both of our bodies are ageing. We have learned to pace ourselves and know when sex is best for us. He is also good at listening to my troubles and woes and mostly dealing with them effectively. Unsurprisingly he is usually right. There is really no reason to believe we will go off of each other. More likely we are going to grow old disgracefully together. But that doesn’t completely stop the fears from emerging nor does it prevent me from getting carried away with my negative thoughts.

But I will plough on with trying to improve my image of myself – try to lose some weight, try to get fitter. These will be especially important as I prepare for my reconstruction surgery. Then hopefully I can look in the mirror and like myself just that little bit more and feel like the sexually attractive woman he says I am. Then maybe those fears will go.

Being pierced

My left breast with a small bite to the left of the nipple. I have a piercing with a semi circular ring in situ. the colour contrast between the area of my chest that has seen the sun and that which has been in my bra are marked. The sun is also shining on the paler area.

We had been together just a matter of weeks when I became a pierced woman. I’d had my ears pierced as a teenager, but body piercings weren’t something I had considered until I was in my 50s.

S had first broached the idea and I have to say I was tempted. But since he wasn’t as committed to our relationship as me, I’m glad that didn’t happen. But when Master suggested nipple and clit piercings to me, I jumped at the chance. To this day, I don’t even know why I was so keen.

Sign of my submission

Or maybe being pierced was something that felt part of my submission. An intimate way of showing him I wanted to be his submissive. It felt right and since he came with me when I had them done, I knew he was serious. I wrote about the experience here, at the time.

Since that time we have discussed the links between my piercings and role as his submissive and slave. Certainly they have been a focus of his attention over the years. That I was willing to do that for him and that he could enjoy them so much.

An aid to pleasure

I always loved having my nipples played with. Also, I loved (and hate) having clamps applied. To begin with, the slight pain following piercing was a turn on in itself. Later once they began to heal I enjoyed trying new jewellery and he loved putting chains between them.

The clit piercing was and still is quite the arousal tool. He loves rubbing his finger, tongue or cock over it. I also like to rub around the bar when I get myself off. Also if I wear something tight I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t take much wriggling to be able to come through my clothes.

It is in a mighty fiddly place though. I can only see it with a mirror and we had the devils job undoing the balls on the bar. So much so that I left it in place till I had surgery last October (4 years). We replaced the metal with a plastic bar which is there now. I have plans to change it and Master has bought me a new jewelled bar. But we are lazy and maybe it won’t be done till after my next surgery.

My one nipple

The histology report on my mastectomy said that the right nipple was chronically inflamed. I have to admit that the piercing continued to weep and crust even after 4 years. The left was always better, especially once I’d had it re-pierced in Amsterdam.

Now of course I have one breast, one nipple and one piercing. The pleasure I used to have when my breast and nipple were stroked and caressed is not so evident. I know this is psychological and hopefully it will subside. Maybe once I have two breasts again, I will take more pleasure in nipple play again. Mean time, I still wear my jewellery and like the way it looks.

Instead of dwelling on this, we are looking forward to new piercings once surgery is done.

Future piercings

We’ve talked for a long time about me getting my inner labia pierced. I’ve written about it and would love it I know. Along with the tattoos we have planned that is the next step. I will need my new breast tattooing with a nipple and I will be looking for someone experienced in that area. At the same time, I hope to get the piercings done too.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The disappearing orgasms

Early on in our relationship I wrote about the importance Master placed on giving me pleasure. That he loved me to orgasm and to orgasm a lot. While my orgasms have belonged to him from day one and I have always had to ask permission, they have not been in short supply. Until this year that is.

Our sex life hasn’t really been affected by my breast cancer and treatment. I guess that is partly because we have made a particular effort to have sex. We have made the time which luckily hasn’t been a problem. He is a considerate lover, not shy of putting my needs first. Though the nature of our relationship means that sex often begins with him wanting to take possession of me and of my holes. Foreplay has become less of an issue as I am often eager for him to push his cock in (usually) my vagina. My focus then is on whether I can easily accommodate him and then on giving him pleasure.

The tablets I take to stop production of oestrogen have caused something of a second menopause. But thankfully while I experience hot flushes and a few aches and pains, I haven’t suffered from vaginal dryness. This has been something of a relief and has made me all the more keen to feel him inside me. I get seriously aroused by his excitement and am often pretty wet as he pushes his cock in. But for some reason I have become less worried about whether I orgasm at all. Once or twice I have definitely had G-spot orgasms but the powerful clitoral ones I so enjoy have been elusive.

Sometimes recently Master has asked if I want to orgasm, even when he is rubbing my clitoris and to be honest I have been at best undecided. Previously he could demand I orgasm and miraculously I would, that no longer seems possible.

I suspect the tablets are to blame.

Master has now decided that he wants me to orgasm and once he raised the issue, I realised that it is something I want too. After all who in my position would actually choose not to if offered the chance.

This week, I have had two. Both while his cock has been deep inside my vagina. Each time he has used a vibrator of some kind to give direct stimulation to my clitoris.. And having been seriously rocked by one particular long and powerful explosion a couple of mornings ago, I definitely want more.

I’m hoping that this is the start of something good. Further work and attention is definitely needed!

Topless

This is my first (and hopefully last) summer with just one boob. The idea of going braless, let alone topless is pretty much a step too far at the moment. Even around the house, I feel weird without a bra. But in hot weather wearing a bra (or swimming costume) all of the time is a bit much.

Probably the best part of our time away was the boat holiday. We chose a route that had few locks since it was my first time. Also there were just the two of us on the boat. That also meant that for hours at a time we saw very few other boats and the people on them. This gave me the chance to leave my bra off for a while and then to take my dress off for this shot.

I love this, even though it isn’t a close up, because it shows the beauty of our surroundings and that no one else was around. I have a close up which I’ll show another time. I’m starting to feel more comfortable in my body again, but posting pictures of me topless is still challenging. However I know I was happy and relaxed that day and so I feel happy to share.

We are on a boat on the canal du rhone à Sete. I am at the back of the boat topless. I only have a left boob as I have has a mastectomy
Photo by Master
Sinful Sunday

June 2019

Every damn Day in June is the brainchild of Hy. Most of us have resolutions to blog more in January and the momentum lasts through February Photofest and on into the April Blogging A-Z. But keeping things going till June is hard. There are plenty of memes to help. But sometimes that help is overwhelming and you end up not quite knowing where to start. That’s where Every Damn Day in June comes in.

This is my 23rd post for June. Does that mean I’ve failed? Hell no. While it would be fabulous to post every day, this meme recognises that many bloggers are struggling at this point in the year. I am no exception.

As I mentioned the other day, I have picked up some work (actual paid work). It is taking my time, not to mention my energy. Plus I am busy with other pursuits – getting slim and fit and also re-learning French. I am proper busy for a retired person. So, a summery.

Health, diet and fitness

Work last week involved staying away. I was woefully unprepared in terms of sticking to my eating plan. Plus, having no work base when out of the house I used coffee shops. Then because it was the right thing to do, I drank large quantities of cappuccino. This is not conducive to weight loss. But at least I didn’t put any weight on.

Great new though is that I am sticking to my exercise plan. Average step count is now around 9000 per day and I’m expecting to hit 10000 this week. Plus the swimming and app based aerobics continues. Even if I am not getting slim, I am getting fitter. We have also been painting fences in the garden and that is reminding us of muscles we had forgotten we had!

Holiday preparations

Just a week to go, so this week will be full on preparation mode. The key issue is what to take. How many clothes? What stuff from my house that I have stored for almost a year. We have those decisions to make this week. But whatever, I an feeling massively excited about this trip. 6 whole weeks away from home.

Blogging

While our kink is never far away, there is every chance it will take more of a back seat while we are in France. Therefore there may be a more vanilla theme creeping in. But then again there is every chance that we will have some naked and kinky opportunities and if they pop up then I will write about them.

But, there is every chance that I will blog fewer times in July than June. Even sex blogs and their authors deserve a holiday!

A guy I knew

While I have alluded to his presence in my life some years ago, I have never actually written about Kevin on my blog. When we met for the first time he was the first person I had met through the internet. He lived about an hour away and was around 10 years older than me. I had never travelled to meet a man before and wasn’t even sure why I was meeting this one. He turned out to be kind, gentle and a good listener.

Kevin was originally from the North of the country, a former teacher turned local politician. He was a committed socialist, our values were similar, though several degrees to the left of mine. Kevin was married, he said his wife was busy doing her own thing and that she had also strayed. He was looking for a bit of fun. I wasn’t sure what I was seeking, but for a while Kevin filled the gaps in my life.

Over the course of a couple of summers we met every few weeks, for lunch and then a kiss and a cuddle. This often took place in a field or wooded area in the countryside. He fancied me like mad and touched me a lot. He gave amazing orgasms both with his hands and tongue. I hadn’t experienced the like before. Recently diagnosed diabetes has rendered him impotent, so much so that he was unable to get and erection. So he made every encounter about me.

Gradually we drifted apart. He definitely had other women, given he accidentally sent me the wrong text more than once. Plus he worked / volunteered crazy hours as a local politician, especially during elections. Then I met S and I told Kevin that I thought it best we didn’t meet any more. He was gracious and we continued to text each other on birthdays and Christmas. But I didn’t see Kevin after summer 2012.

A year or so ago, a message appeared on facebook saying he had been diagnosed with cancer and was about to start treatment. He was a long term smoker, perhaps I wasn’t massively surprised by the news. I texted to send good wishes and then when I received my own diagnosis I texted again and we exchanged a few words of encouragement to each other. I never heard from him again.

This week I decided to drop him a line to check how he was. I didn’t receive a reply. Today I googled him and discovered he died at the beginning of May. He was well known in his home town and so I found details of the death, funeral and a memorial service in his honour. A public occasion attended by 500 people. clearly a testimony to the man he was.

Kevin was a guy I knew for a while. He was kind and funny, passionate and loving. I don’t know if his wife knew of the other women in his life, my husband at the time certainly didn’t know. I am proud to have known him and sad that this is the only place I can say goodbye to him.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

General frustrations

My laptop has been playing up big time and that has put me off of blogging so much recently. Coupled with a blog that spent as much time down as up this weekend and it is no wonder I have been absent. But my blog host has rebuilt their server and I have a new MacBook on order. The one I’m using now is over 6 years old and I think it may well be on it’s last legs.

We completed my tax return for the last tax year last week and I am due a reasonably large rebate. Big enough to allow for the extravagance of another Apple product! Anyway I digress from the main frustrations of life.

Weight loss

Friday was weigh day and I had lost 1lb. Despite filing my face with spinach, tomatoes and other salad stuff all week that is. Maybe looking back one or two bad habits had slipped back in (i.e more than one glass of wine), so that will be rectified this week. But anyway a loss is just that and I plough on.

Exercise

The weather last week was terrible. For several days it rained almost constantly, so although I walked to the pool on Tuesday my step count was down considerably. So, I have downloaded a fitness app and am now exercising 2-3 times a week in doors. The exercises so far seem good because I can feel them later, though have recovered the next day. Tomorrow is Tuesday and I plan to walk and swim again.

Work

So, just when I thought I wouldn’t be working this side of autumn I have a project to do. I’m reviewing some health services the other side of London for the next few weeks before we go to France. This is going to involve much time at the computer (hence the decision to buy the new laptop). It will also mean a night or two away, which will be worth it for getting things done quickly and not spending too much time driving. This week I am planning everything and will be out and about next week. Then I’ll take some of my holiday time to write up the report. As it’s through and agency I’ll be getting paid weekly and that is a great bonus.

Health

Last week I saw one of the surgeons, they alternate with the oncologists. He seemed pretty happy with progress which was great. I am due my first annual mammogram in October which will be a landmark event. My plastic surgery appointment about the reconstruction is in September, so I am now free from health appointments for the summer.

So that is my FFF, late again. Other contributors can be found on Fondle’s blog here.

When life gets in the way

Today’s 30 days of D/s question is about what happens when the trials of life get in the way of a dominant / submissive relationship. Like most couples, we have had our challenges. Stuff has happened that has caused us to put our M/s dynamic onto the back burner a little. The most obvious ones were when my dad was ill and then died and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My dad’s illness and death

My dad died of cancer in September 2014 when Master and I had only been together for 7 months. I regret that they never met each other, because I know they would have got on well. I didn’t introduce them because by the time things were getting serious between Master and I, my dad was already pretty unwell. But it just didn’t seem the right thing to do. This did however provide me with a haven, a place to go when things got difficult.

For the last few weeks I practically lives with my parents. Caring for dad, supporting my mum and family and dealing with practicalities. But this was massively draining, and other than my son, I really had no one to turn to. Master became a great source of support for me as well as a shoulder to cry on. He had lost his dad a few years before, so was able to provide the empathy I needed.

On the face of it our M/s took a back seat as I prioritised family. But, while I was busy making massive decisions and leading my family through the pain, Master was there behind me. Looking back, our dynamic may have been in the background, but it never disappeared. Shortly after the funeral, Master took me away to Amsterdam and there we were able to reaffirm my submission and his dominance.

Breast cancer

The events of last autumn unsurprisingly hit us both very hard. During the run up to my surgery, there were numerous hospital appointments. For a while we took in the information we were given and made decisions together. This was done on an equal footing, with me having the final say about what would happen. As it was, there were no disagreements and we pretty much went along with the advice given by the doctors.

Master provided me with the most amazing support while I underwent surgery and recovered afterwards. We both struggled to come to terms with my new body shape and image. But helped each other cope. He was very firm with me during the following few months, making sure I didn’t do too much, had sufficient rest and got out and about as part of my recovery.

Just as happened when my dad died, our M/s dynamic was placed on the back burner, but never disappeared. Master continued to care for me and protected me. But this time our relationship was more established and of course by then we were living together.

Over all, I think that the big events we have encountered so far have strengthened our relationship. Both in terms of us as a couple, but also our dynamic.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Progress – Fit for Friday #9

At last I feel I’m making progress with my fitness and weight loss. Plus I’m feeling positive about achieving my goals. So to the summary for this week.

Diet and weight loss

In some ways double paying for weight loss support seems crazy. But for a limited period it feels the right thing to do. My slimming world group is supportive and a social event. But I have struggled to stay on plan. I am also convinced that I can no longer eat loads of carbs and still lose weight. Slimming world is based on a food optimising approach, concentrating on eating a balanced healthy diet. It doesn’t involve calorie counting, because if you make healthy choices calorie intake should be less.

But the Noom approach is actually similar, encouraging you to focus on eating foods with a high water content rather than stuff that is proposed. What I am getting from noom though is evidence based guidance about habits and the psychology of over eating. The calorie counting is useful as a guide, but I’m not religiously weighing everything. Interestingly some foods I had considered healthy are more processed than I imagined.

But whatever the science etc. I have lost 2lb this week and am motivated to continue.

Fitness

Spurred on by our recent holiday I have kept up the exercise. Last week I hit 70k steps for the week, though that included the end of the holiday and 20k steps in one day in Amsterdam. I rested a bit after we got back, but then got back to it on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday this week. I swam again this week, and am pleased to note that I am managing more laps within my half hour in the pool. The sports centre has a gym, which can be used on an ad hoc basis so that will be my next fitness challenge.

Health

This week I had an abdominal CT scan in preparation for my next plastic surgery appointment. The purpose was to check that I have a healthy blood supply so that the subcutaneous fat can be used to create my new breast. I won’t get the result till I see the doctor in August. Meantime, I have to concentrate on losing weight so I am fit for the operation when the time comes. This has, I think given me the renewed incentive for dieting. It is behind the mental progress which is spurring me on.