Our changing lifestyle

Friday 31st August was the last day in my job. I bought cakes and fruit for people in the office, went for lunch with colleagues and then sent my final emails. For the first time in my almost 38 year career I voluntarily walked from my workplace with no job to go to. 5 years ago I was made redundant, but within weeks I was working again. This time will be different, I am as yet undecided as to whether I want or need another job. What is more, I have made a deal with myself not to think about it until the new year.

This week we are in France. The weather is glorious, the days still a little longer than at home. We have nothing to do but be together and to remind ourselves of why we love just being together. On the spur of the moment we have extended our stay, because we can. We don’t need to be home till Sunday and neither of us has work or other responsibilities to pull us back yet.

The events of the last weeks – the move, winding down then leaving work – have sapped me of energy. I have struggled to feel sexy for my man even when he tells me how much he wants and needs me. I have slept alot this holiday and while awake Master has paid lots of attention to me and my body. Gradually I am beginning to feel human again and yes, a little horny. He asked me this morning how that manifests itself, and I had to think. It is a long time since I took the initiative, made it clear what I want. Now though maybe I am ready.

Our lifestyle to date has involved me working 4 days a week and spending those evenings alone at home, then us coming together for the weekend. Some Fridays I visit my mum and stay over. For months there has been work around the house, packing, decluttering. But now we have much more time to be together and make a life together.

What is clear is that certain elements of our M/s relationship which have been a little on the back burner will be able to come to the fore. We have been talking about our feelings, of ways in which his dominance and my submission is important to us. This is an evolving picture and something I will express here on my blog over the coming days, weeks and months. What I know is, for the first time I am putting me, our relationship and importantly Him first from now on.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Looking back at my Smut Marathon experience

Today the round 7 Smut Marathon results were published. We had been out for the day, but as I was the passenger rather than driver, I was able to take a look at the comments and then results. I was pleased to see that my favourite story came top and that others I enjoyed did well. The quality in this round was amazing and voting especially difficult. 

Round 6

In round 6, I was eliminated from the competition, something of a relief. On 15th July, when the results were published I was feeling rather unwell. At that time I didn’t know what was wrong, but for a few days I had been tired and lacked energy. Worse my bladder had developed a mind of its own. When I needed to pee, I really did. 

I was also in the middle of packing up my house to move. Months, if not years of preparation to leave my marital home and move in with Master were coming to a conclusion. The Smut Marathon was really the least of my priorities. In the run up to the deadline, I wasn’t sure I would even be able to write. But in the final few days I wrote something.

In hindsight it is clear that just dumping my thoughts into a document and editing for word count only is not going to be enough. But to be honest, I felt the need to send something, anything. It felt wrong not to submit an entry when others had been eliminated in the previous round. So time for a confession. Until today, I have not looked at my entry, I haven’t read anyone else’s. I didn’t vote and I didn’t comment. when the results were published, I responded to Marie’s email telling me I had been eliminated. But I didn’t look at the scoring or anything else.

I feel embarrassed to admit this today. But in mid July I had no energy for a writing competition. I had a urinary infection, was about to move house and like most of the rest of us in the northern hemisphere was existing in a heat wave. 

Today I have read comments on my entry – #14 Slave’s deepest fantasy. People were in the main kind but clear. My punctuation left something to be desired, I used the same or similar words in close proximity (a pet hate) so clearly I hadn’t edited properly. What is more, mention of the prompt was at best transient. I could have done better.

What I have taken from the competition

Fiction is something I have to work at. It doesn’t come naturally to me, even adapting my own life experiences feels like hard work. I struggle to be creative, to think outside the box. I am in awe of my fellow participants who easily write about crime, vampires and science fiction. In part, this might be due to the fact I don’t read masses of erotic fiction and when I do, it is reasonably mainstream. But I know my writing has improved during the time I was part of the Smut Marathon. I have been encouraged by the wonderful feedback and help from Marie. But also the comments left by the judges and those voting. 

My favourite round was 5 – I wrote a story from the perspective of a sex toy. I will post the story on my blog in the next few days since I am proud of it. Somehow I found my creative juices and allowed my writing to flow. In that round, I received my best votes and also feedback. I will take that forward into next year. Because people, I know I can write, I can edit my work and I can put commas in the right places (most of the time). I also do have a creative side and I can show it. I will take the experiences of this year with me. But also, I will continue to learn from those still in the competition.

Journey’s end?

This journey

Yesterday I had some time to sit and think about my blog. About the journey I began over 6 years ago when I started writing. I pondered whether that path had reached its conclusion. At the beginning I had no idea where I was going, if anywhere. All I knew was that I needed something different in my life. Something more than I had then. I understood this was to be a journey and thought I would know when I had arrived.

The two relationships that were in place back then are history. Extracting myself from my marriage of 30+ years has proved harder than I imagined. That journey has been painful and emotionally draining. But he is now happily living in what was our home with his (not so) new partner. Recently I attended his mum’s funeral and saw them together. It was clear that they have a strong relationship, something he denied to me for a long time.

Last night I mentioned to Master that I wasn’t sure about continuing this blog, because my journey is complete. But is that true? For him, my moving in to his home as his 24/7 slave has greater meaning than I understood.

Being his Slave

Over the past few months I had almost forgotten about that element of our relationship. Of course, I wear my collar and cuff and my piercings are a constant physical reminder. Our sex life is always a reminder of the M/s nature of our relationship. But during the busy and very hot days of June and July we didn’t have loads of sex. Preparations to move meant we spent lots of time at my place, but we were busy and everything we did was about working towards the move.

The first week or two were a period of adjustment but gradually we are settling into something of a routine. Only now though am I able to see the subtle changes that are coming to be. Even as I considered whether I wanted to write my blog any more, even as I uttered the words about the journey, I knew.

Over the past couple of years being Master’s slave has in the main been about what we do in the bedroom or play room. Not about our every day life. I am, as he often tells me an unruly slave. Rebellious, open with my thoughts and feelings, often pushing back against any attempt to control me. That’s easy when you have your own home and don’t live together. Also when you are financially secure and don’t need to rely on another.

Now though things will be different and what I have discovered is that he is excited by this. He loves the fact I am here with him, he wants to have more control over me. Also that I will be more financially dependent on him (though I have my own money and may yet get another job). He enjoys taking care of me, cooking and so forth. I also want to take care of him, and find my submissive self reawakening.

We had some very hot sex last night and again this morning. It is often during those moments of heightened arousal and passion that the truth is spoken. I clearly saw in myself, particularly last night a need I had forgotten existed. Over the coming weeks I fully expect to need to articulate this much more. What better place to do so than here on my blog.

The end of the journey? I don’t think so.

What I know now

It is the 50th Food 4 Thought Friday, which is a major accomplishment. I am in awe of all within this blogging community that run memes. There is an extraordinary amount of work. So well done and thank you. Having said that, I usually struggle to participate in everything. But since I am trying to post every day in June, and I am on holiday, with wifi, here goes.

What I know now

What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?

Probably that at the age of 55 I have sex at all. I was so naive back then and uneducated about sex. I never envisaged people as old as I am now even had sex.

What one thing might shock that younger you?

The extent to which I enjoy sex. That being with the right partner is the key to enjoyment and that we are meant to enjoy sex (not sure if that is one answer or 3).

Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?

I have probably surpassed them. Having bought the Joy of Sex shortly after my marriage when I was about 22, we spent some time trying out various sexual positions.  I wish I still had a copy to check out if I have had sex in all of them. It felt slightly naughty and a bit hippy at the time. I’m not sure if anal was even in there, but if it was then I’ve done that too.

What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?

Probably the ability to work all day, party all evening and still have sex at the end of the night. Because we had so much energy then. I have a hunch that Master and I would have been proper party animals if we had known each other. Because as I said at the beginning, compatibility is the key.

His voice (and other things)

I don’t think we spoke on the phone before we met. I’m not even sure we had a voice conversation on MSM (remember that messaging service). Our conversations, and there were many during that week or so, were all text. But on the basis of the things that were said, we met. It was a pub and it was a Saturday afternoon.

Sitting in that pub, with my diet coke (I needed to keep my wits about me and hadn’t eaten) we sat and talked. I probably spoke much more than him. Nerves will have given me verbal diahorrea and I tend to have a lot to say anyway. I can’t remember if I was turned on by his appearance, but possibly not. There was definitely something about him though, his hand on my leg, the smell of him and his voice.

In the most, Master is softly spoken and to me his voice is a little deeper than you expect. He is a slight, slim person but when he opens his mouth there is something about the tone that stops me in my tracks, even now. With the cultured English accent of someone brought up to speak properly, he pronounces his consonants. There is little more sexy in my book than someone speaking dirty in a posh English accent. He knows a lot of stuff, he is (scarily) well read, attended one of the top universities and is intelligent. I love just listening to him speak. True to say, mind that I sometimes drift off and forget to actually listen.

Sometimes too he says things I disagree with, we don’t share the same politics for example. But we can get around that because we have the same values and some how manage to compromise.

Accent, tone of voice or other verbal cues from another can be attractive, sexy or the opposite. But a relationship is never going to develop on that basis. Master doesn’t have a toned and muscly body, he has the thinnest legs of any adult I have seen. But he is strong, fitter than he looks and has a very nice cock, plus he knows how to use it!

He is kind and considerate, looks after me but also keeps me in check. He tells me he finds me sexy and that I turn him on, just at the time I feel worst about my body. There are some irritating things about him: he has to check out facts before he believes the expertise of others and sometimes he still prefers his own view. He gets sidetracked easily so might not get things done quickly. Sometimes he can be brusque, say something another might find offensive – a case of mouth before brain. But I know his heart is in the right place and that he can probably discuss himself out of the hole he has dug.

I never believed I would find another man to be in love with. Master has taught me so much about our dynamic and helped me find out who I am. He has shared his love of books, music, film and travel. In return I have given him myself and my submission, not to mention the benefit of my own wisdom and interests.

My instinct that February day 4 years ago has proved right. I didn’t foresee we would still be together let alone that I would be about to move in with him. But I am and these are just a few of the reasons why.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

What do you see?

Earlier today, when I should have been working but was instead looking at my phone, a tweet popped up. Cara linked to a post from 2013 about how much of ourselves we reveal to our readers. She comments in the tweet that she has now met other bloggers and so of course many people have seen more than is every revealed online. This had me thinking about the things I write and the amount of myself and relationship I put online.

What I reveal on my blog

On the surface the answer is a lot. Over the last 6 years I have been open, honest, sometimes painfully so. This whole blog started as a place for me to track my own progress through a new affair. One that took me not only into infidelity but a whole different lifestyle. At times, it was the only place I could document my own feelings. This was especially true when my husband found out and I often felt frightened and alone. But actually I rarely went into personal detail, nor did I describe how my lover often left me to my own devices.

I am always careful about the things I write on my blog. I try not to criticise anyone, I don’t speak about work in any detail. Family details rarely appear, though exceptions have been when my dad was dying and frustrations with my mum. For a while I wrote about the polyamorous relationship but then the other woman started to read and so everything became sanitised. Even now, there is little real emotional detail.

I describe our sex life and my submission in some detail, often as an outpouring of post coital emotion. Milestones appear, as much for my own future memory as well as for Master to read. But detail is often sketchy, partly because I have a rubbish memory but also because I am not good at descriptive narrative. This is currently exposing itself in the Smut Marathon competition (more of which on my next blog post).

Perhaps the photos give away the most about me and us. Sometimes I even show my face. But this doesn’t mean that the reader sees or knows everything, how can they.

Twitter

Everyone here and on Twitter know that MPB is Julie. That is my real name. I chose to do this not because I am uncreative, but because I don’t want to hide behind a massive pseudonym. I am not critical of anyone that uses one, it just isn’t me. But it does tend to lead to me being more open and more like my real self. What you see is what you get. An open book, I find emotions hard to hide. So on Sunday when the Smut Marathon results were published I got into conversations with other bloggers / writers. Participants began to express some of the things they felt are wrong with the process and I joined in. Then someone essentially told us to shut up and I felt ashamed that I had been part of the conversation.

On balance, twitter needs to be treated with the same caution as my blog. We are all people but some of us are prone to speak more openly than others. I’m not sure I should open myself up in that way to people. While I know some of the people on twitter and have met others none are people I can describe as friends. If I can’t say it here, then I really don’t want to say it on Twitter.

Even if you see my face, know my name is Julie that doesn’t mean you can and should see all of me. Some things must remain hidden.

Blogging A-Z 2018: I

So, I am now a day behind. Every year, I plan to plan and get ahead and every year something comes up and I get behind. Yesterday was my brother’s birthday and there was just no time to publish a post before going out. This then, is the first of two posts this evening.

I is for Interacting

Communication is such an important aspect of human life. Face to face, it is the non verbal queues that often have more effect on us than the words spoken.

Online, we see rather than hear the words, but can’t see the person typing them and often struggle to see their true meaning. Who hasn’t received an email, grown angry at it’s contents and responded. I certainly have, though these days I try to pause, think about my response and sometimes pick up the phone.

I love the way we interact with each other as bloggers, commenting under a post, tweeting about what we have read. Or engaging with each other about blogging and writing on Twitter. It is easy though for the message being conveyed to be lost in translation, not because we don’t speak the same language. But because we can’t pick up those non verbals.

Commenting on blogs

The other day I had a little rant about people commenting, or not on each other’s sinful Sunday posts. It is one of the things Molly asks us to do and since  shadow banning started to be an issue it has become more important. We need to get our work out there for others to see and unless it is publicised they don’t. Also commenting is useful for growing your own audience. But mostly it shows the other person that you have visited and thought about what you have seen. People came back to say that they often didn’t have time or were going through challenges in their lives. Of course, I can’t claim to be perfect either, since there are occasions I don’t look at all Sinful Sunday and other Meme’s posts let alone comment.

There is also the issue of having nothing new or constructive to say, as well as people being overly critical. Being nice for the sake of it isn’t right, but upsetting people is worse.

But, it is worth considering why we contribute to memes such as Sinful Sunday. As is thinking about how we feel knowing people have visited and commented. There are lots of ways of showing appreciation, through comments, on Twitter or by posting a round up. But interacting with each other is important and where possible we should do it.

Blogging A-Z 2018: B

This is the third year that I have participated in Blogging A-Z. This year i am going to try to make my topics a little more mainstream. They will, however clearly link to kink and may on occasion be NSFW.

B is for Blogging

In a couple of weeks I will reach the 6th anniversary of my lifestyle blog. Starting out on blogger as World of joolz, I must have sensed that I would need to record my journey. At that time I was dipping a toe into D/s and exploring sex in a way I had only dreamed of.

To begin with it was my own personal journal and wasn’t read by anyone but myself. Good job too, since my writing style left a lot to be desired. Reading back,  posts are often short and something of a brain dump. They are also short on detail about what really went on, including my feelings. But gradually as I read around my new subject matter, explored and commented on other blogs, things changed. My writing improved as I engaged with others and while I still wrote for myself, there was definitely a benefit in knowing others were reading too.

The blog has helped me express myself through difficult times, like telling my husband about my affair with S. Writing helped me to express my feelings, deal with the confusion and decide what I should do next. The relationship with S ended and very soon after I met the man I now call my Master. He is my lover and also my partner. I told him about the blog early in our relationship, without realising he would go back and read every post I had ever written. This helped him learn about me and also directed his questioning about what I wanted from our sex and kink life.

Over the past couple of years I have engaged with the sex blogging community much more. To the extent that I have met many of those who now read my blog. I enjoy using the prompts from memes such as Wicked Wednesday and Submissive Coffee Club. Sinful Sunday has helped us to develop a more creative side through photography. But in the main what I write and post here is personal, for me and for us. Of course I don’t publish all of the gory details of my life, but I think that I am more open than most.  This is because I want to be able to use the blog to record our continuing journey.

Eroticon Diary – The return

Today we travel into London for Eroticon. Despite working in the capital city and therefore travelling into town every day, I love a weekend there. We usually stay at the same hotel, a quite swanky place, well situated for bus and tube. There are a couple of favourite restaurants we like to go to and often there is a show, gallery or concert to attend. This time though will mainly be about Eroticon.

Having attended last year, I have a clearer idea of the format, know the venue and it’s layout and also some of the people who will be there. This year though, I have been more active on twitter and have engaged with people on their blogs. I want to get to know some more people in real life and hope that will happen over the course of the weekend.

I am reaching the end of my full time working life. There are plans to give up work as soon as the house gets sorted and then to become a contractor and work less. I hope then to devote a bit more time to writing and to see where that takes me. The eroticon sessions will, I hope help me form some ideas to take forward. I am looking forward to the Kink lab at the end of tomorrow’s session. Hopefully for us to watch and try out new things.

Tonight’s social should be fun and a great ice breaker, something I am really looking forward to. We don’t plan to attend tomorrows, not because we are stick in the muds or maybe we are. No, we intend to visit our favourite tapas bar and can’t do that if we go to the social. Plus we do like to spend time for just us and that will be it.

There will be further Eroticon Diary updates as the weekend progresses.

Eroticon 2018

 

One of those update posts

The strain of blogging every nearly every day for the Blogging A-Z challenge left me needing a break. I am so enthusiastic at the start of these memes but time, bad planning and the challenge of obscure words can get in the way.

But it’s time to move on and get back to reality. The February Photofest and Blogging A-Z Challenges are behind me. Time to move on through the year, develop some discipline and post spontaneously. It’s 2 months since Eroticon and I still haven’t got around to making the changes I said I would. No space so far for fiction, and generally my creative juices are struggling to emerge.

Life around here has been pretty full on, what with work, family and social stuff. Add a holiday into the mix and stir in Master’s new bathroom* and you get the picture. Not that any of this is an excuse, since over all I am pretty lazy when not doing any of the above. *N.B He has people in to fit the bathroom, though I helped out in choosing accessories. There are still towels, bathmats and a little cupboard to be considered.

We are very aware of the need to instil a bit more fun and play into our lives. Plus of course sex. The joy of spending more time together this past couple of weeks has included time discussing how to inject energy into our relationship. Plus to rediscover things like anal sex, which we haven’t done for a while.

This week he bought me a leather bra. Something I can wear under my clothing or else on its own around the house. The leather is beautifully soft and comfortable to wear. Master has a real fetish for leather gear, well he just has a real fetish in reality! Summer is on the way, though it isn’t too warm around these parts yet. But the opportunities to get out an about and to have some fun are emerging. Plus he has promised more dungeon time for my birthday in August.

Lots to look forward to and hopefully the opportunity for fun and games on top of normal life.

Summer here we come!

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