What inspires me to write about sex?

Writing cat | Public domain vectors

By it’s very nature reading and writing about sex can be both liberating and exciting. That if the sex being written about is interesting and exciting. For many years there was no mileage in writing about my own sex life. It was dull, bordering on non existent. But as I wrote in my last post, starting a new sexual journey made me want to write about my experiences.

Writing about real life experiences

It took me a while to get into my stride. I was overwhelmed by the emotion of it all and so struggled to write down details. I still do to a certain extent. But at least with real life experiences you know what has and hasn’t been possible (see below). Plus, the emotion of a sexual experience is just as important as the physical and physiological effects in my opinion. Unless you are writing pure porn I guess. But I’m more of an erotica lover. Plus I prefer to ground myself in reality rather than fantasy.

Once I met Master things changed slightly. Unlike S, Master reads all my posts and will often go back to review what I said about a particular event. So, increasingly writing had him in mind. I couldn’t and can’t always get events in the right order, after all I’m not writing as I do it! But he often remarks at how hot what I’ve written is.

So, the next reason is to get the audience hot. After all, who doesn’t like to be told that what they have written is sexually arousing. If you are a sex blogger anyway.

Improving on some of the fiction that’s out there

There is some amazing erotic fiction to read. Plus all of the how to manuals. But there is also some absolute rubbish. Some people seem unable to work through questions such as is it physically possible before putting pen to paper. The use of odd euphemisms in erotic fiction is something that The Other Livvy has picked up on. There is little that turns me off more than being unable to describe people’s anatomy and actions without using completely unbelievable phraseology.

So, one of the inspirations for writing about sex, whether based on real life events or fiction is to do better. After language, plot and characters feels pretty important. Why are so many books based on the lives of super rich men seeking to find a young bimbo to be their sex toy? Why are there so many young girls out there who crave submission? Who moments later can be found kneeling naked for their boss or tied to a bench? Of course there is plenty of gay erotica, but I don’t doubt that these dynamics are replicated.

I’m nearly 58 years old and I want to read about people who are older. Who have been through some of life’s problems and who don’t think that money is the answer to everything. Many of my fellow bloggers write brilliant erotica as well as about their own true life events. Good printed / e-book erotica is out there but you can do far worse than some of that written by the sex bloggers and writers we know. People like Brigit Delaney, Cara Theron and Floss, to name but 3.

Education

Finally I write about sex to help educate others. As I’ve written above, real life isn’t always like in books and magazines. We aren’t all young and skinny with a crazy libido. Not all penis owners have huge cocks. People experience pain and discomfort, people fund themselves unable to come. Not everyone loves to suck cock or to have anal sex. What’s more, it’s possible for a well educated woman of 50 to have little in the way of sexual experience.

That means it’s important to write about real sex and relationships. To explore and celebrate the great experiences, but not to ignore the bad or difficult.

I guess following on from my post yesterday wondering where I am going on my blog. Maybe this post is another step to finding out who I am and what my purpose is. Writing about sex for me is about detailing my own experiences, thinking about the experiences of others and hopefully helping to educate.

Revising my goals for 2020

Well this year has turned out a little different than expected. When I posted my goals for the year on 31st December and 1st January none of us knew what was in store for us. But since the only certainty right now is not knowing how long things will be different it’s time to review and revise those goals.

Goal 1 was about planning

For the first 3 months of the year I was really diligent about planning, reviewing and keeping up with my achievements. I love my planner and am now glad I didn’t buy one with pre-printed dates. When gradually your appointments and plans disappear from sight, it is difficult to see the point of planning every day. At the beginning of the year I was writing for several memes each week. Now I feel unable to write for many of them and sadly Masturbation Monday has gone on hiatus.

So. It’s time to stop using the memes as my planning tool and instead think about what topics I want to write about. Then if they fit somewhere and I want to join I’ll do so. It’s a shame as the memes are great drivers of traffic.

Goal 2 was about getting fit and healthy

I was massively focused on this goal because I assumed I was going to have reconstruction surgery by the autumn. My new blog and it’s own meme was to be one of my tools. But as lockdown began I struggled to find purpose in either losing weight or in writing on the blog. For many weeks my weight plateaued. I had just received my 1 stone award – the last slimming world group before lockdown. Now though my weight is creeping up. The main culprit I know is wine. We’ve slipped back into old ways and I’ve got very bad at saying no. Our slimming groups continue, but via zoom. We all weigh ourselves at home and then send the weight to the consultant.

But there has been little incentive to make progress. Often I don’t hold myself accountable and it’s difficult for the consultant and group from afar. Plus, of course everyone is dealing with lockdown issues that are thrown at them. whether it is the loss of a job, home schooling or health worries.

This is one goal that has to stand. I want to be fit and healthy whether I have surgery or not. So, I plan to focus on putting the right things in my mouth and to losing weight. Even though I can’t go swimming I can walk and I will try to double down on better diet and exercise choices.

Goal 3 was about my new blog

Who starts a new meme and chooses a prompt about eating out just as the world’s restaurants close? Me that’s who.

I was really starting to get into my new Food, Fitness and Health blog by mid March and was writing regularly. But I can’t deny it’s been a struggle. I am now planning to devote more time to it. I have made the For the Health of it Meme monthly and hope that with some more promotion I can get things going. This month’s For the Health of it prompt is – Hopes and Fears for the future. Head over and take a look.

Goal 4 was about making improvements to the blog

This will be my main project for the coming months. I want to think about the style, to create a gallery of my photos and to improve elements such as ‘all about me’. I was thinking about trying to monetise the blog and haven’t ruled that out. But I know I am less driven than many of my smutlancer colleagues. I’m not looking for a job as such and like to write for fun.

I am however really enjoying being a smutlancer, even though I’m not doing the ‘lancing’ bit. We have a great and very supportive group of people who support, critique and make suggestions about each other’s work. Kayla and Molly are there to oversee and provide advice and guidance. But it isn’t about them telling us what we should do, instead it’s much much more of a team approach. I know that if I want to start pitching for work I have the support network around me. There’s also help with the more technical issues and our Slack channel is great for bouncing ideas off each other. It’s fabulous value for $5-50 per month. I highly recommend it.

Goal 5 was about writing more fiction

This is something I have actually achieved. Indeed at times I’ve found it easier to write fiction than about my dull life. I plan to do much more.

Goal 6 was about getting divorced

My Decree Absolute came through in April and so I have achieved that. 🙂

Goal 7 was about earning some money

I started a project for my ex employers at the beginning of the year. Sadly I’m not sure the recommendations will ever get implemented due to Covid. Plus, I’m still waiting to get paid which is a bit irritating. I’ve also discovered that the person who took my job and who I thought was a friend is great at gas lighting people. Still, you live and learn.

I have earned some money from working during the pandemic though and though it’s not much it is welcome. On balance I don’t think I’m going to worry about looking for a job or anything. Though I may change my mind when I start spending more money.

A strange week

7 days

I deliberately decided not to post Every Damn Day in June (that is not every day). But didn’t mean to leave gaps of 3 days. Hence a post today even though there’s already been a Sinful Sunday. But this week has been strange.

Work

For a start I imagined I’d be doing the contract tracing work. I never imagined that things would be so unorganised that I would spend 16 hours twiddling my thumbs and still get paid for it. I know this seems immoral, but as someone who is owed untold hours by the state I don’t. However I do feel sad that I haven’t had the opportunity to call someone up and ask them to stay home. Most of the people I know do anyway, but clearly some people are out.

Death and destruction

I’ve tried to keep my head down. I hate confrontation and I hate violence more. The death of George Floyd was horrific and I know the right thing to do is to speak up and to protest. But I felt shell shocked and so said nothing, which is wrong. But it wasn’t till Friday (2 days ago) I watched any of the footage. This wasn’t intentional but for some reason the BBC decided it was ok to show footage at 18.45. I walked into my mum’s living room to lay the table and saw it. I was horrified and shocked. Even though I had read about his awful death I was truly shocked. My immediate thought was that children could easily have seen it too.

I am worried about people protesting, I can’t deny it. The brutality of police (mainly in America) and the worry that it will cause a further Covid spike are real. Having hidden away for days, I recognised the need to appear and speak up. But what to say? I admire people for coming out and protesting. But worry that they could pay the ultimate price for doing so.

Duty calls

I am visiting mum because I feel I must. Having not been out for 3 months she has no idea of the world around her. Instead the news is her source of information. She lives in a bubble where the real world feels scary and she does’t quite believe what real people say. My elder brother and I are pretty sure she is in the early stages of Dementia, helped along by a prolonged period of self isolation. She craves attention and then lashes out at us when we are there. Meanwhile my younger brother is taking large quantities of money from her.

We have to make this stop. In the next few weeks we will have a family conference to try to manage the situation. I am beyond sad that two of us spend our time trying to help her and the third is busy selling her his time.

Holidays

We should have set off for Spain this week. Right now I should be sitting in a tapas bar in Seville! But instead we wonder when we can travel again.

I am actually determined to get down to France before the end of Summer. I can contact trace from there if necessary as I have a good internet connection. But only time will tell. I was pleased to see the market, bars and restaurants are now open. We just need our own rate to fall and our politicians to stop being complete jerks (if possible).

Sex

My libido is definitely returning. I’m feeling I might be able to write part 2 of The retreat next week. We’ve had some very good sex too which I must write about. I want to think too about how to get my submission back on track. We’ll need to work on it I know as it really has been a bit absent for months. But I know I still want to be his slave and that he wants and needs that.

So this has been my strange week. Let’s see what next week brings!

Statistics

As the saying goes, there are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics. The quote was attributed to Mark Twain and apparently spoken by Benjamin Disraeli (a 19th century Prime Minister). Though as you can see here, the phrase has quite a history. But, I digress. This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is about statistics. A topic I’m really interested in, because of what data can tell us, how they are manipulated and used to inform and fool.

Education

Statistics as a branch of maths found me when I was 16. Maths was far from my favourite subject, and I wasn’t very good at it. So, I wasn’t that surprised to fail my O level and need to retake it in the 6th form. I was offered the chance to do my qualification in statistics instead of retaking maths. I thought this was worth doing as it might be easier to concentrate on one area. It was, but also it was fascinating and proved useful once I went into nursing. Healthcare produces a lot of data and statistics about that data is churned out at the rate of knots. Actually understanding what the mean is and how standard deviation is measured has been really useful. Both my degrees required me to examine quantitative and qualitative research so, I’ve never stopped using statistics since.

We are all a statistic or 500

The trouble with statistics is that it can tell you pretty much anything you want it to say. Data about us is collected from before we are born. As soon as someone is pregnant they enter a system of data collection. Birth, immunisations, development checks, attendance at play group and so it goes on. Back in the day, little was recorded about us save the statutory things. But the advent of computers, digitalisation and mobile phones means thousands of items of data are collected on us every year. Decisions are made by politicians, companies, providers of healthcare and schools etc. based on data collected about us.

For example, NHS England publish have a page that signposts you to all the statistical reports they produce. The Office for National Statistics publish all of the National data for England and Wales on births, deaths, employment etc. Ofcom publish information about mobile phone usage and how it has changed. No doubt the information is gathered through information supplied by phone operators. This page also refers to some research carried out. Though it says nothing about the methodology, or even how many people took part. That of course is the problem.

Reporting of statistics

Headlines are the thing. We live an era where attention span is short. This article refers to a research study on this topic. The article itself is a few hundred words long and of course the author has pulled out the salient points; there is just too much information out there. We read something then move on quickly to the next thing. True for some, but not for others I’m sure. Trouble is, you can never be sure a journalist has read the whole research report or understood it.

When the ONS tell us how many deaths have occurred this week, we can trust that the person doing the reporting knows their subject. But as soon as that report is transcribed into an article or mentioned on TV someone has decided they need to explain it to you. Covid-19 has led to the publication of (probably) hundreds of thousands pieces of statistical information world wide. Charts that show infection rates and deaths are produced by multiple organisations. Depending on how they are displayed they look different.

Whole numbers are great but its difficult to compare a huge country with a small one. Or huge urban areas with a rural one of the same size. People with certain health conditions are more at risk as are men and people from BME communities. Or so we are told. For example it has been reported that people with type 1 diabetes are at greater risk than those with type 2. But age and sex were also factors, so it isn’t as straight forward as the article suggests. Trouble is, to understand what is really being said you have to go to the actual research and most people don’t have the time inclination or indeed attention span to do so.

Rabbit holes

Which leads us to the problem of having too much data and being interested by it. Whole hours and indeed days can be lost to statistics if you aren’t careful. Myth busting articles written by people payed to do so are useful, but that doesn’t mean I don’t go looking for more information. Master is the same, so much so he has been collating his own data on Covid throughout the pandemic. I guess we are both data and statistics nerds. Also we tend not to believe a lot of what is written about them. I’ll be glad when there are new TV shows, music or holiday destinations to read about instead. Then I’ll maybe give my tired brain a chance to recover!

My Blogging Mojo has disappeared

Head In Her Hands Free Stock Photo - Public Domain Pictures

For the first time in forever I didn’t post a Sinful Sunday image. Not because I didn’t have one, but because I just couldn’t be bothered. I was offered the opportunity to join our Smutlancer productiveness group for a Zoom call yesterday afternoon, I turned that down too. Instead I decided some of my never ending needlepoint (4 years and counting). This is a new feeling for me. I am not feeling my blog in a way I’ve not felt it before. So, I’m here to write about it. Otherwise it might be another week or 3 before I look in here again.

Some thoughts about the reasons for my lack of blogging mojo are as follows:

Life is getting me down

I know life mid pandemic is getting lots of us down. Plus, my life is in many ways the same as it was before so I have little to moan about. I’m getting sex, possibly more than my libido demands, though my submissive side has gone a little AWOL. This isn’t a real issue, I’m sure given the right circumstances I’ll find it pretty damn quick. But really the never ending nature of this situation is getting me down.

At the beginning I decided that planning and setting about achieving my to do list was the way to get through. I wrote, went for my walk often aimlessly looking at the closed shops in town and got on with painting the hallway. I had an idea I’d paint the kitchen next, once we decluttered the living room and my new blinds arrived. The factory making the blinds closed the same week as the recycling centre did. Ok, I thought I’ll persevere through a few weeks of lockdown and then pick up my projects. So I blogged, walked and kept up my Duolingo French. Even as my chances of going there to practice this year began to slip away.

Numerous weeks later I find myself struggling to want to do anything at all. I don’t always go out to walk even in good weather and have lost my resolve not to drink wine midweek. Plus, I really don’t feel much like writing about a world that I don’t know when (or if) will return. Even erotica feels a fantasy too far.

I blogged so much in February, March and April it’s no wonder my blogging mojo has gone

Struggling to write in May and June is not unusual for me. My pattern of blogging tends to be the same. Lots of effort in January (new year, new planner), Photography in February, An urge to write after the photography in March and then April A-Z.

Plus I started a new blog about food, fitness and health and immediately found my desire to write on it disappear. I’ve had to prioritise writing here because it’s more established and I have invested much more in it. The effort of running two sites is much higher than I imagined it to be. Even with little else to do in my life. The end result has been not writing for either. Then there are the memes.

Some memes are now tainted

Every week I used to use Rebel’s SoSS post to list out my writing plan for the week (or longer given those that are biweekly and monthly). But one of the fallouts from the gender identity / misgendering shit storm was that I lost and was blocked by twitter ‘friends’. This made it easy to not write for their memes. I really don’t want to judge them for their mistakes as others are much better at that than me. I know members of the trans blogging community would rather we didn’t support blogs and memes belonging to those who have misgendered them or liked posts that did. But I just can’t be that simplistic in my approach to blogging.

I don’t want to upset anyone but I want to be free to choose what I write about and where I link it. I want people to get on, but at the same time won’t tolerate bigotry, unkindness and intolerance. Over the past few weeks I’ve spent time trying to learn more about the issues raised by the trans blogging community and I hope others will do the same. I only ever write on a topic that speaks to me, or link more generally if I want to. But I don’t want to feel wrong for doing so any more than I want this to be the only reason for boycotting. I know plenty of people don’t agree with me, but this is what feels right for me. In the future that may change as new memes appear on the scene and I find my place within them. I also understand that sitting on the fence is not an option, in the end I may well make a different decision on this.

Work

Usually at this time of year we are planning to go on holiday, we should have been leaving for France and Spain in a couple of weeks. Knowing this wasn’t going to happen I volunteered to join the nursing workforce and go back to work. For various reasons I received training for the role assigned to me but never got to do any actual work. The good thing is that this meant that the local Covid situation was settling. But it made me feel without purpose. My mood sank and I struggled for motivation for the most simple of tasks.

Thankfully a new opportunity has arisen and I am about to start in a contact tracing role. This work is from home and so safer. It will also be vital to getting this country moving again. I’ll be speaking on the phone to confirmed cases and their contacts. Advising their health, advising them on how to prevent spread and what they might need to tell others. Not being able to see people and hold their hand is an alien thing for a nurse, but hopefully it will be worthwhile and fulfilling.

I’m not going to be able to write about work, but I hope that with a new purpose I’ll feel freer to write about sex, relationships, kink and everything else.

Interestingly for someone unable to write, this post is over 1000 words. Go me!

Love and life right now

Covid-19 Virus Coronavirus - Free image on Pixabay

Deep down I knew that the Coronavirus lockdown would last for months rather than weeks. But that doesn’t mean to say that I was emotionally prepared for it. Back in those early days at the end of March we were busy with home projects. During much of April we had good weather so eating lunch in the garden or on our balcony was a regular thing. We are used to spending lots of time together, so there was nothing new. Anyway, I was planning to be out a bit working. Then last week it was cold and wet, our projects were stuck and the work opportunity vanished. For a few days I felt without purpose and just plain miserable. I know Master feels it too. But I and we are fighting back. Below are my thoughts on the past 7 weeks detailing different parts of our love and life.

Getting things done

Over the winter we finally started to sort the house out. When I moved in nearly two years ago there was a lot of clutter which meant insufficient room for many of my things. I have my office which was completed last summer and so have my books there. But much of my treasured possessions remain in the garage and a lot of clothes are in boxes under the bed. So, where to start?

Master’s books were stacked everywhere in the living and dining room. So much so that I’ve never eaten at the dining table in this house. So I suggested the place to start was in those rooms. Progress was rapid and before Christmas we had specialist shelving installed on one side of both rooms. Then in March (after we’d finished decorating) the shelving was complete. I ordered new blinds for the windows and imagined we’d soon be straight.

But we have 7 or 8 empty bookshelves waiting to move and nowhere to put them. The household recycling centre closed in March and so we were stuck. Then the factory making my blinds closed and we had already thrown out the rails and curtains. I did manage to paint the hallway and want to continue into the kitchen, but we have nowhere to put the kitchen contents.

There is light at the end of the tunnel now because the recycling centres start reopening next week. I’m feeling hopeful that the blinds might be made soon too. I need to feel that we can get things done and make our enforced time at home worthwhile. Right now I feel more hopeful about that than I’ve done to date.

Lethargy

On the whole we have retained much of the structure of our life. Neither of us is working (we’ve both taken early retirement) so we don’t need to be up early, but I am a bit of an early bird. Master on the other hand is something of a night owl. I have learned over the past couple of years not to leap out of bed too early and having me around has encouraged him up sooner. We also have a more structured bed time than he previously had.

Our life is usually quite busy though. We go out to lots of cultural events – concerts, galleries, exhibitions and festivals. So, when there is nothing in the diary you need more than an occasional food shopping trip to make it feel worth getting up and going for.

At times we have both been filled with energy and enthusiasm to do things and at others not. Funnily enough not at the same time. I think this might be a good thing, because being lethargic together means we both struggle to do anything at all. We’ve tried to encourage each other on, but at times the frustration shows. We don’t argue often but when we do it isn’t pleasant. This week we’ve had late night arguments twice, something I’d like to avoid going forward.

Work

Having announced to the world I was going back to nursing, I embarked on induction and training in my own time. Then just as I thought I was about to be let loose on the world they decided they didn’t really need me. Well they haven’t said that but that’s the implication. I have uniforms in my wardrobe and PPE in my car. Both will be returned if nothing happens, but it has made me feel really fed up.

Thankfully a new opportunity has arisen, which is to help with the contact tracing that will be needed to loosen lockdown. This work will definitely happen and I have a paid training shift in my diary and have some work shifts booked too. It is also a bit more money than the original work. This job will mean working from home, so no need for uniform or PPE. Plus, I think this is going to be a really worthwhile job that will need to continue for some time.

Master on the other hand has no intention of going back to work. Instead he is managing our financial affairs which took a bashing in March. Thankfully they are recovering with a few changes. Secondly he is rewriting a wikipedia page for a Spanish author and poet and that’s keeping him busy. Now the books are organised on shelves he has a veritable library to consult. His other project is to map Covid across a number of countries as he prefers his own charts and graphs. These things will help us both going forward I think because we have no idea when we can do the things we want out of the house or travel.

Love and sex

It would be safe to say that neither of us have much in the way of an active libido right now. We’ve had good sex, but not frequently and we haven’t played at all. It’s strange but at a time when we are unable to touch others we aren’t really touching each other much either. I’m not sure why that is. Both of us are making a conscious effort to instigate touch, often when we sit together in the evening. At night Master will put a hand on me, especially if I’ve been snoring. There have been a few hugs, but I feel we need to make an effort to do more.

I’ve written some sexy posts and read some sexy and erotic books and blog posts. But it has been hard to transfer those feelings to our own life. I’m hoping that we can find a way to prioritise those things. Longer days and warmer weather will help as will being active independently of each other during the day times.

Moving forward

I know we are lucky. We are together, haven’t taken a drop in income (other than our long term savings, but they will recover) nor do we need to homeschool any children. But that doesn’t mean that we find the current situation easy. We have mourned the loss of the life we had and don’t know when or if we will get all of it back. I’ve been sad to see former colleagues losing their colleagues, team or organisation members. I’ve also hated the decisiveness of the recent arguments in the sex blogging community. All of this takes its toll.

So, going forward I hope we can soon restart our work in the house. I also have some plans for the garden, since I’ll be here and so can actually grow some stuff. Flowers and also one or two vegetables. Fingers crossed the planned work comes to fruition this time and that we can regain a little of the structure we had lost. I hope that we’ll be able to go out places and walk more as we get to summer. At present a lot of woodlands etc. are open but you can’t park.

As for sex, well I plan to try to make more of an effort because I think my libido is more suppressed than Masters, partly because of my medication. But I would love him to do so too. I don’t feel terribly submissive a lot of the time and know we need to work on this too. But I do feel we can, I do feel hopeful and just a bit positive right now.

Lockdown

A globe with a door superimposed on it. There is a padlock on the door. A message reads lockdown.

For the last month we and much of the world has been in a state of lockdown. Of course countries like Italy and Spain were already a few weeks in when we joined this phenomena. For us, we are to stay home unless going out is essential. That means those people whose jobs that can’t be done at home, shopping for food and other essentials and a daily walk. Those who have underlying health problems or who are elderly have been told not to go out at all where possible.

How lockdown has affected our daily lives

We spent much of the winter at home. Even our regular trips to the theatre and for music concerts had been minimal. It wasn’t that we couldn’t go out it’s just there weren’t many things we wanted to go to. As spring approached we had lots of things lined up. As mentioned before we were in London for Eroticon even though that was cancelled. We had a marvellous time, partly because we sensed this was something of a last hoorah. We were due to fly to Budapest for Master’s birthday then to France for Easter.

To begin with we just went with the flow. After all what could we do. We tended to make our shopping trips a bit more comprehensive so we didn’t need to go back too frequently. But we do like different things from different shops. We soon discovered that small and local businesses are useful for making sure we are stocked up. Most supermarkets now restrict the number of people going in so prefer individuals rather than two adults. So this has changed our behaviour too.

Luckily the weather has been pretty good so far. We’ve taken regular walks and have been sitting outside to have lunch or an afternoon drink. But otherwise we have been out little. Well he hasn’t, I’ve been to my mums.

Caring for my mum

My brother is mum’s main carer, but he is a supermarket manager. He is understandably nervous about calling round because he is in contact with the public daily. But we do need to visit regularly as she can’t really go out right now (she is 80) and anyway she can’t walk well. Usually she would go out daily on her scooter and buy one or two things just so she sees people. This has now stopped. The cleaning agency withdrew in the first week of lockdown and she isn’t able to clean. Though is able to look after her own hygiene needs and cook.

I took the decision early on that I would continue to visit for as long as I can. Mainly to support my brother. I have another brother who has decided this isn’t an option. I’ve tried to tell him it is classed as an essential journey, but he isn’t interested. Last time I visited she fell in the toilet. Which immediately made that trip worthwhile.

A good thing is that she is nicer to both of us right now. She needs us and is grateful. I’m not sure how long that will last.

Back to work

I’ve mentioned before on the blog that I will be returning to nursing. The process to make that happen has been a little slower than expected. But it is now in hand. I’m starting to do training to refresh my skills. I haven’t done any front line nursing for 20 years. I can assure you though that most of my knowledge is still there. It’s just taking account of new policies and evidence and losing some rustiness. I won’t be in hospital but visiting people at home. Plus, I already have PPE ready to use.

When will it end?

Already this lockdown feels never ending . It’s been 4 weeks and we have at least another 2. But even then life won’t be normal. We are lucky in that we have no jobs to lose. Indeed as I’ve said I’ll be earning a small wage. Money for us is in savings and that has taken something of a dent. But we don’t need to worry. However I am worried that the shops, restaurants and other places we go won’t survive. I’m worried that people’s furloughs will become permanent. I long to be able to stay in a hotel or visit a stately home. Even just go to the pub.

Sex and kink

Our libido is rock bottom. We haven’t had a lot of sex, I do hope we’ll both perk up soon. I’m sad that the munches and clubs we go to are closed and look forward to when we can do that again.

It feels that there is little we can do but ride this thing out. Keep communicating our feelings and to do what feels right.

This whole thing feels weird. We’re living in a world where nothing is as it was. We don’t like it, but there is nothing we can do about it.

An Opinion on recent events in the Sex Blogging world

O

#SoSS Shitstorm special – Looking at the wider issues.

20/4/20 – I reserve the right to publish or not comments on my blog. I also reserve the right to reply or not.

We are living in strange times. People’s anxiety is at record levels, and that includes those who don’t usually describe themselves as anxious. Myself included. So, it isn’t surprising that everyone is on edge. That small things seem huge and bigger things an absolute mountain. Things have been rocky for a while in and around the sex blogging community. Different groups and allegiances have built up over time, that is understandable. People naturally gravitate towards people they identify with. They read and comment on other people’s work and often don’t if the material doesn’t appeal. That’s fine, as they say your kink isn’t necessarily my kink but your kink is fine. Trouble is this isn’t just about kink. It’s about people’s identity, the way they see and feel themselves and want others to do so too.

I have no understanding of how it is to not identify with the gender I was assigned at birth. I am lucky enough to feel happy in my body and to know that others see me in the same way. It doesn’t matter if you refer to me as she or them. Though I do care if you shout ‘oi you’ at me. But this does matter to others and if someone tells you they would like you to refer to them in a specific way, then you damn well should respect that.

Working out I was married to the wrong man, that I needed a different kind of sex and that I was submissive was challenging. Having found kink and sex positive blogs, I naturally gravitated towards those I identified with. Many of those bloggers are similar to me but others are not. However I am really interested in people, who they are, what makes them tick. Difference is good and interesting. Some of those people identify as gay, trans, non binary or in other ways. I try to respect everyone’s individual identity, needs and choices and to do it in a nice way. What I wouldn’t do is to write a blog post making fun of those needs and choices. As I said the other day, I hate confrontation. This week has been like a month from hell on that front. Especially on Twitter.

Twitter

It’s a great place to go and chat and promote stuff. I read more blogs through links on twitter than I do from follower emails. But it is a place of constant frustration. There is drama of the highest order and you can’t always work out when someone is in need or if they are attention seeking. Twitter is a place of cliques, something that is often discussed. You never know if it’s ok to join in conversations. As someone who hates confrontation I try not to engage in drama, but I do chip in especially if I know people.

Recently the Sex blogging Twitter has increasingly been used to put across a point of view. To highlight behaviours that they find hurtful, and disrespectful. Most recently this has been about misgendering people and not being willing to learn about the lives of others. It is also about people’s unwillingness to apologise for causing offence or damage. Saying sorry and then doing the same thing over and over. @MxNillin and Quinn have rightly done this.

Not liking confrontation I wouldn’t usually name and shame people on Twitter, but I understand why they and others have. Trouble is the fall out is wide. People take sides and they hurl abuse at others. Including but not exclusively those delivering the initial messages. In the end, you either lock your account (as some have done), withdraw or throw yourself in the ring. Guess which one I did?

This was because Molly and Michael were being trolled by someone I hadn’t encountered before. Part of this was some kind of personal vendetta to poison their reputation. The other encouraging people to seek legal advice because of the cancellation of Eroticon.

Eroticon fallout

It is my view that some of the unpleasantness falling out of this week’s ‘situation’ is the cancellation of Eroticon.

Full disclosure. At the time of the cancellation I was annoyed. We had rebooked our hotel and couldn’t get a refund and I was looking forward to a weekend in London. The full enormity of Covid was only just emerging and unlike Molly I hadn’t spent the week reading up on it. I was particularly unpleasant to Molly in a twitter DM conversation. I believed she should have turned up to meet with those who were there. Others thought that too. Putting myself up as the fall guy I ranted at Molly and then Michael about this. I was drunk at the time so it was a stupid thing to do. I was also wrong.

Eroticon was cancelled because it would have put people at risk. Indeed those of us who met up put each other at risk, though we didn’t know it. On the Monday we visited an art exhibition and went to a concert. By the next day both of those venues had closed and a week later most shops and businesses had closed too. We were in lockdown.

Thankfully Molly bears no grudge about my drunk behaviour. We are still friends and I will defend her and Michael over and above anyone I only know on my blog or twitter. Because I know them in person, like and respect them. In terms of legal advice. This seems like a waste of time. I am still waiting for a refund on an air journey that didn’t take place. We’ve also lost money on a ferry booking for the summer. Even if they had been insured, no policy is paying out on a pandemic.

Blog commenting and memes

When people comment on blogs it’s usually supportive. Often when someone doesn’t have anything to say, they like it. I asked a question on this month’s Smutlancer Q&A about why people don’t seem to comment so much.

In February Inigo More published the post that caused most of the outcry this week. It made fun of gender identity and the right to be gendered correctly. Those who supported the post are the ones who have been called out by MxNillin. Others commented that they did not like or agree with the contents and this people have been shunned by the former.

I didn’t realise but regular contributors to memes such as Sinful Sunday and Masturbation Monday stopped doing so. This was as a direct result of both Molly and Kayla calling out those supporting the post. To me this seems petty. As far as I am concerned I will continue to write for the memes I want and which speak to me.

I don’t think any of the people who commented on that post are bad people, whether I agreed with their point of view or not. However what apologies have been offered for hurt caused don’t appear to have been heart felt. Nor have there been signs that most wish to learn. Worst of all, Inigo seems to be revelling in his fame. He is not on twitter, has not apologised to anyone and continues to comment on the post. I don’t bear grudges but I am minded to think that he is happy to have started the bonfire and fanned the flames that caused the explosion of the sex blogging community.

Smut Marathon feedback

I admire Marie for starting and running the Smut Marathon and doing so with such efficiency. I took part myself a couple of years ago and know that it helped improve my writing. Judges tend to be fellow bloggers which seems appropriate and anyone can vote and comment. There are some flaws however. The judges are not representative of the whole community. To my knowledge none of the judges is anything but cis, white or pretty middle classed. However I don’t have any problem with the comments made by this year’s judges. They seem thoughtful and measured.

The comments from the wider reading public are unmoderated. This seems wrong and is a flaw. It’s clear from the way that people comment on each others blogs that they have no experience of constructive criticism. They tend to be nice, supportive. But the Smut Marathon is different. If you can only vote for 5 out of 70 stories you will have to decide which you like best. That’s fine. But if you then comment on which and why you like certain ones it’s a good idea to be constructive.

Sadly one set of comments showed a clear misunderstanding of the task. Not only did that person cause massive offence to the transgender writer of one story as highlighted here. But also left unpleasant feedback to at least 3/4 of the other writers. Something that I noticed at the time but hasn’t been mentioned by anyone. One of the reasons I have decided not to participate again is because of the way feedback affected me. I found it unpleasant and bruising.

Commenting on the work of others is important. But needs to be well structured and constructive. Those wishing to do so would be wise to look at this article (or others) about sandwich and other feedback models. Or contact others in the community who know how to do it. For example Charlie.

Final thoughts

This post has been long and a bit of a ramble. These are the wider issues that I think have contributed to events this week. I think it’s important to recognise that while those most hurt by events are those who have been misgendered and abused for their trouble. But also to acknowledge that actions have implications. We are all entitled to our opinion, but in sharing that in a public place you can’t expect to get away with those that clearly discriminate. If offence is caused, apologise. Do so unreservedly and acknowledge your mistakes. Make that apology clear and then go away and learn not to do it again. Don’t be like the gutter press and publish the apology on page 20 when the original made front page news.

Finally please don’t abuse people by DM. Even if someone says and does something you find abhorrent remember they are human. Their lives might not be as you imagine. The privilege you assume may not be the case. That doesn’t excuse their behaviours but neither does it mean you should retaliate with threats. If necessary walk away.

Links to other sex blogging folks talking about this topic (Let me know of more to be added).

Violet Fawkes – Scorched Earth

Deviant Succubus – Some thoughts

Isabel Lauren – Not speaking up against hurtful behaviour is not an option

Keep believing

Keep believing

This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is: Don’t Stop Believin. But, because I’m such a positive person, I’ve decided my post will be entitled Keep Believing.

I love our community and the way is sticks together and supports each other. Of course we are all different, from our relationships, gender and sexual preferences politics and our take on life. But in the main that doesn’t prevent us from coming together when we need to. I’m especially looking forward to Eroticon at the end of next week and meeting up with friends as well as new people. Putting faces to names is always great fun as is discussing the topics we write about face to face. That includes when a drink or two has been consumed.

But recently there have been undercurrents of unhappiness that not everyone is kind and understanding towards everyone’s differences. So much so that last week a tiny event caused a storm. I’m not going to go into that whole thing, but Rosie wrote a fabulous piece that sums up events. She also includes some very useful links in her post. That should be the end of things, except I’m left with a bad feeling.

Free speech

Indeed for me it isn’t the direct responses to any post. As a writer I can write what I want here and people can read or not. They can also comment, or not. It is rare I don’t publish a comment so if you don’t like what I say I’m not censuring. But it isn’t on blog posts where most disagreement takes place. Instead it is on twitter, often without the subject being part of the conversation.

I’d be the first to admit I struggle to understand the desires and needs of people who are very different to me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t read their perspective with interest. I often don’t comment because I don’t believe I am the right person to do so. I am a middle aged CIS heterosexual woman who doesn’t fancy other women. Nor do I understand how it is to realise you are bi sexual or gay, much less non binary. But I do respect other people’s experiences and love to read about them.

Content warnings

Thankfully I have never suffered physical abuse (though I increasingly see my ex as emotionally abusive). I recently started reading a very well written book that turns out to be all about physical, emotional and financial abuse. I’m finding it difficult to read even though I want to. I’m not triggered, as I’ve never experienced the things that are happening in the book. But it is uncomfortable. I first wrote about content warnings in this post. It was a stupid thing that triggered me, but it did get me thinking and that in my book is a good thing. Since then, when I see one I do consider whether I want to read on. My experience shows that these things can creep up on you.

For me one of the worst things about the episode has been that people describe others as snowflakes or use the term Boomer in a derogatory way. These are things I hate. I’m a Boomer myself and don’t want myself lumped together with people others determined as bigots. Nor do I like millennials called snowflakes since my son is one and I believe him to be sensitive and thoughtful partly because I brought him up that way.

Social media etiquette

Twitter can be an evil and upsetting place. But it can also be a place of support and encouragement. As members of the sex blogging community, we could easily be set upon by trolls who don’t understand or care for our point of view. But instead we choose to attack each other. Personally I want a kinder community than that.

And I will keep believing that is the community we all want. One that is kind, that respects individual difference and people’s desire to be referred to in the way they feel appropriate. A community that acknowledges mistakes and then moves on. Otherwise we are no better than those who would attack us for having the audacity to write about sex or kink. Finally, if you wouldn’t say something to someone’s face even after a drink, then don’t say it on twitter.

I am, because we are

It is a coincidence that as I walked home yesterday I was thinking about this topic. Wondering about who I am now as we enter the 7th year of our life together. Wondering whether I am worthy as his submissive and partner. I came to the conclusion that we are where we are because of who we are, together. So, some background.

Last weekend was the 6th anniversary of the day we met in person. This year we celebrated by going out for dinner. We often eat out, but usually it’s because we are doing something away from home and dinner out is easier. This was a meal out for itself.

Today I received notice that the first part of my divorce, the decree nisi will be heard in court in March. 6 weeks and one day later I will be divorced. My entire blog catalogues my own journey to this point. In many ways I am the person I was at the beginning, but of course events have changed me. Plus taking on the role of slave and starting a new long term relationship has added to that.

The person I was

Confused, probably sums it up. As I approached my 50th birthday I knew change was needed. My life wasn’t going as it should and I wanted something different. Trouble was I didn’t know what that different was or how to go about getting it. I consider my self lucky that the two men I met along the way helped guide me towards discovering what that might be. The fall out from my ex was hard to bear. Last week while reading some old posts from 2013 to link to my privacy post I came across some very disturbing writing.

My husband was playing me. I know that now since at the time he was already in another relationship (still unknown to me). But meanwhile he manipulated me and made me feel I was beyond dreadful for cheating on him. He made me sleep deprived by turning up early in the morning and then he snooped through my emails and was generally horrible. All the time I cooked meals for him if he decided to be home. Made sandwiches and did his washing. YES, I actually did those things. I was a complete doormat. I now know I should have kicked him out and changed the locks. But that’s with the benefit of hindsight.

The person I am

From the beginning of my relationship with Master things changed. He listened to me and helped me work out how to navigate the way ahead. I didn’t always to what he suggested to begin with. But usually there was some method in his ideas. His own other relationship was messy and so we worked through those times together. Sometimes that meant just being there for each other. I know there were times when he felt less dominant for it, but this was a human need not about power exchange dynamics. Not many months after we met my father became terminally ill and died. The support Master provided during that time set the scene for the kind of partner he would be.

Running parallel to all of those more intimate and personal elements of our relationship is the kink. Power, Dominance, submission, kinky sex and play. Over the years we have learned what is our norm. The things that feel safe and right. But we have also pushed each other to try new things.

For a very long time we played in the privacy of our own home and occasionally in a privately hired dungeon. It was also a while before we ventured to Munches and in the end it was through talking to people at those events that drew us to play events. Then recently we started meeting up with some people we met at one of those. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that often I’d prefer to stay at home. Well until I’m there that is. But that is also true of attending vanilla events even with friends.

Am I submissive enough? Is he dominant enough?

These were my thoughts as I listened to some podcasts while travelling yesterday (details below). My idea of submission at the beginning of this journey was based on erotica and other blogs. Training plans for submissives, men with dungeons in their basements, kneeling naked etc. It isn’t like that. For obvious reasons. But when Master tells me I’ve been bratty, I do stop and think. When he tells me to kneel and suck his cock I do it. When he asks me if I’ve achieved the things in my planner, I do reflect. And when he tells me his is proud of the person I glow with pride.

He has helped me become the slave he wants, but also I have helped him to become the dominant I need. Our life together is the one we have made together and it isn’t like anyone else’s I’m sure. But it occurs to me that we are who we are and I am the person I am because of us.

At some point soon, I am going to draw a line on some of the past. We share enough history on this blog not to need to go back further. The posts will remain but they will be archived from view. They are not ones that are retweeted anyway. Time to move on.

Thoughts generated from the following podcasts