What I know now

It is the 50th Food 4 Thought Friday, which is a major accomplishment. I am in awe of all within this blogging community that run memes. There is an extraordinary amount of work. So well done and thank you. Having said that, I usually struggle to participate in everything. But since I am trying to post every day in June, and I am on holiday, with wifi, here goes.

What I know now

What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?

Probably that at the age of 55 I have sex at all. I was so naive back then and uneducated about sex. I never envisaged people as old as I am now even had sex.

What one thing might shock that younger you?

The extent to which I enjoy sex. That being with the right partner is the key to enjoyment and that we are meant to enjoy sex (not sure if that is one answer or 3).

Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?

I have probably surpassed them. Having bought the Joy of Sex shortly after my marriage when I was about 22, we spent some time trying out various sexual positions.  I wish I still had a copy to check out if I have had sex in all of them. It felt slightly naughty and a bit hippy at the time. I’m not sure if anal was even in there, but if it was then I’ve done that too.

What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?

Probably the ability to work all day, party all evening and still have sex at the end of the night. Because we had so much energy then. I have a hunch that Master and I would have been proper party animals if we had known each other. Because as I said at the beginning, compatibility is the key.

His voice (and other things)

I don’t think we spoke on the phone before we met. I’m not even sure we had a voice conversation on MSM (remember that messaging service). Our conversations, and there were many during that week or so, were all text. But on the basis of the things that were said, we met. It was a pub and it was a Saturday afternoon.

Sitting in that pub, with my diet coke (I needed to keep my wits about me and hadn’t eaten) we sat and talked. I probably spoke much more than him. Nerves will have given me verbal diahorrea and I tend to have a lot to say anyway. I can’t remember if I was turned on by his appearance, but possibly not. There was definitely something about him though, his hand on my leg, the smell of him and his voice.

In the most, Master is softly spoken and to me his voice is a little deeper than you expect. He is a slight, slim person but when he opens his mouth there is something about the tone that stops me in my tracks, even now. With the cultured English accent of someone brought up to speak properly, he pronounces his consonants. There is little more sexy in my book than someone speaking dirty in a posh English accent. He knows a lot of stuff, he is (scarily) well read, attended one of the top universities and is intelligent. I love just listening to him speak. True to say, mind that I sometimes drift off and forget to actually listen.

Sometimes too he says things I disagree with, we don’t share the same politics for example. But we can get around that because we have the same values and some how manage to compromise.

Accent, tone of voice or other verbal cues from another can be attractive, sexy or the opposite. But a relationship is never going to develop on that basis. Master doesn’t have a toned and muscly body, he has the thinnest legs of any adult I have seen. But he is strong, fitter than he looks and has a very nice cock, plus he knows how to use it!

He is kind and considerate, looks after me but also keeps me in check. He tells me he finds me sexy and that I turn him on, just at the time I feel worst about my body. There are some irritating things about him: he has to check out facts before he believes the expertise of others and sometimes he still prefers his own view. He gets sidetracked easily so might not get things done quickly. Sometimes he can be brusque, say something another might find offensive – a case of mouth before brain. But I know his heart is in the right place and that he can probably discuss himself out of the hole he has dug.

I never believed I would find another man to be in love with. Master has taught me so much about our dynamic and helped me find out who I am. He has shared his love of books, music, film and travel. In return I have given him myself and my submission, not to mention the benefit of my own wisdom and interests.

My instinct that February day 4 years ago has proved right. I didn’t foresee we would still be together let alone that I would be about to move in with him. But I am and these are just a few of the reasons why.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

What do you see?

Earlier today, when I should have been working but was instead looking at my phone, a tweet popped up. Cara linked to a post from 2013 about how much of ourselves we reveal to our readers. She comments in the tweet that she has now met other bloggers and so of course many people have seen more than is every revealed online. This had me thinking about the things I write and the amount of myself and relationship I put online.

What I reveal on my blog

On the surface the answer is a lot. Over the last 6 years I have been open, honest, sometimes painfully so. This whole blog started as a place for me to track my own progress through a new affair. One that took me not only into infidelity but a whole different lifestyle. At times, it was the only place I could document my own feelings. This was especially true when my husband found out and I often felt frightened and alone. But actually I rarely went into personal detail, nor did I describe how my lover often left me to my own devices.

I am always careful about the things I write on my blog. I try not to criticise anyone, I don’t speak about work in any detail. Family details rarely appear, though exceptions have been when my dad was dying and frustrations with my mum. For a while I wrote about the polyamorous relationship but then the other woman started to read and so everything became sanitised. Even now, there is little real emotional detail.

I describe our sex life and my submission in some detail, often as an outpouring of post coital emotion. Milestones appear, as much for my own future memory as well as for Master to read. But detail is often sketchy, partly because I have a rubbish memory but also because I am not good at descriptive narrative. This is currently exposing itself in the Smut Marathon competition (more of which on my next blog post).

Perhaps the photos give away the most about me and us. Sometimes I even show my face. But this doesn’t mean that the reader sees or knows everything, how can they.

Twitter

Everyone here and on Twitter know that MPB is Julie. That is my real name. I chose to do this not because I am uncreative, but because I don’t want to hide behind a massive pseudonym. I am not critical of anyone that uses one, it just isn’t me. But it does tend to lead to me being more open and more like my real self. What you see is what you get. An open book, I find emotions hard to hide. So on Sunday when the Smut Marathon results were published I got into conversations with other bloggers / writers. Participants began to express some of the things they felt are wrong with the process and I joined in. Then someone essentially told us to shut up and I felt ashamed that I had been part of the conversation.

On balance, twitter needs to be treated with the same caution as my blog. We are all people but some of us are prone to speak more openly than others. I’m not sure I should open myself up in that way to people. While I know some of the people on twitter and have met others none are people I can describe as friends. If I can’t say it here, then I really don’t want to say it on Twitter.

Even if you see my face, know my name is Julie that doesn’t mean you can and should see all of me. Some things must remain hidden.

Blogging A-Z 2018: I

So, I am now a day behind. Every year, I plan to plan and get ahead and every year something comes up and I get behind. Yesterday was my brother’s birthday and there was just no time to publish a post before going out. This then, is the first of two posts this evening.

I is for Interacting

Communication is such an important aspect of human life. Face to face, it is the non verbal queues that often have more effect on us than the words spoken.

Online, we see rather than hear the words, but can’t see the person typing them and often struggle to see their true meaning. Who hasn’t received an email, grown angry at it’s contents and responded. I certainly have, though these days I try to pause, think about my response and sometimes pick up the phone.

I love the way we interact with each other as bloggers, commenting under a post, tweeting about what we have read. Or engaging with each other about blogging and writing on Twitter. It is easy though for the message being conveyed to be lost in translation, not because we don’t speak the same language. But because we can’t pick up those non verbals.

Commenting on blogs

The other day I had a little rant about people commenting, or not on each other’s sinful Sunday posts. It is one of the things Molly asks us to do and since  shadow banning started to be an issue it has become more important. We need to get our work out there for others to see and unless it is publicised they don’t. Also commenting is useful for growing your own audience. But mostly it shows the other person that you have visited and thought about what you have seen. People came back to say that they often didn’t have time or were going through challenges in their lives. Of course, I can’t claim to be perfect either, since there are occasions I don’t look at all Sinful Sunday and other Meme’s posts let alone comment.

There is also the issue of having nothing new or constructive to say, as well as people being overly critical. Being nice for the sake of it isn’t right, but upsetting people is worse.

But, it is worth considering why we contribute to memes such as Sinful Sunday. As is thinking about how we feel knowing people have visited and commented. There are lots of ways of showing appreciation, through comments, on Twitter or by posting a round up. But interacting with each other is important and where possible we should do it.

Blogging A-Z 2018: B

This is the third year that I have participated in Blogging A-Z. This year i am going to try to make my topics a little more mainstream. They will, however clearly link to kink and may on occasion be NSFW.

B is for Blogging

In a couple of weeks I will reach the 6th anniversary of my lifestyle blog. Starting out on blogger as World of joolz, I must have sensed that I would need to record my journey. At that time I was dipping a toe into D/s and exploring sex in a way I had only dreamed of.

To begin with it was my own personal journal and wasn’t read by anyone but myself. Good job too, since my writing style left a lot to be desired. Reading back,  posts are often short and something of a brain dump. They are also short on detail about what really went on, including my feelings. But gradually as I read around my new subject matter, explored and commented on other blogs, things changed. My writing improved as I engaged with others and while I still wrote for myself, there was definitely a benefit in knowing others were reading too.

The blog has helped me express myself through difficult times, like telling my husband about my affair with S. Writing helped me to express my feelings, deal with the confusion and decide what I should do next. The relationship with S ended and very soon after I met the man I now call my Master. He is my lover and also my partner. I told him about the blog early in our relationship, without realising he would go back and read every post I had ever written. This helped him learn about me and also directed his questioning about what I wanted from our sex and kink life.

Over the past couple of years I have engaged with the sex blogging community much more. To the extent that I have met many of those who now read my blog. I enjoy using the prompts from memes such as Wicked Wednesday and Submissive Coffee Club. Sinful Sunday has helped us to develop a more creative side through photography. But in the main what I write and post here is personal, for me and for us. Of course I don’t publish all of the gory details of my life, but I think that I am more open than most.  This is because I want to be able to use the blog to record our continuing journey.

Eroticon Diary – The return

Today we travel into London for Eroticon. Despite working in the capital city and therefore travelling into town every day, I love a weekend there. We usually stay at the same hotel, a quite swanky place, well situated for bus and tube. There are a couple of favourite restaurants we like to go to and often there is a show, gallery or concert to attend. This time though will mainly be about Eroticon.

Having attended last year, I have a clearer idea of the format, know the venue and it’s layout and also some of the people who will be there. This year though, I have been more active on twitter and have engaged with people on their blogs. I want to get to know some more people in real life and hope that will happen over the course of the weekend.

I am reaching the end of my full time working life. There are plans to give up work as soon as the house gets sorted and then to become a contractor and work less. I hope then to devote a bit more time to writing and to see where that takes me. The eroticon sessions will, I hope help me form some ideas to take forward. I am looking forward to the Kink lab at the end of tomorrow’s session. Hopefully for us to watch and try out new things.

Tonight’s social should be fun and a great ice breaker, something I am really looking forward to. We don’t plan to attend tomorrows, not because we are stick in the muds or maybe we are. No, we intend to visit our favourite tapas bar and can’t do that if we go to the social. Plus we do like to spend time for just us and that will be it.

There will be further Eroticon Diary updates as the weekend progresses.

Eroticon 2018

 

One of those update posts

The strain of blogging every nearly every day for the Blogging A-Z challenge left me needing a break. I am so enthusiastic at the start of these memes but time, bad planning and the challenge of obscure words can get in the way.

But it’s time to move on and get back to reality. The February Photofest and Blogging A-Z Challenges are behind me. Time to move on through the year, develop some discipline and post spontaneously. It’s 2 months since Eroticon and I still haven’t got around to making the changes I said I would. No space so far for fiction, and generally my creative juices are struggling to emerge.

Life around here has been pretty full on, what with work, family and social stuff. Add a holiday into the mix and stir in Master’s new bathroom* and you get the picture. Not that any of this is an excuse, since over all I am pretty lazy when not doing any of the above. *N.B He has people in to fit the bathroom, though I helped out in choosing accessories. There are still towels, bathmats and a little cupboard to be considered.

We are very aware of the need to instil a bit more fun and play into our lives. Plus of course sex. The joy of spending more time together this past couple of weeks has included time discussing how to inject energy into our relationship. Plus to rediscover things like anal sex, which we haven’t done for a while.

This week he bought me a leather bra. Something I can wear under my clothing or else on its own around the house. The leather is beautifully soft and comfortable to wear. Master has a real fetish for leather gear, well he just has a real fetish in reality! Summer is on the way, though it isn’t too warm around these parts yet. But the opportunities to get out an about and to have some fun are emerging. Plus he has promised more dungeon time for my birthday in August.

Lots to look forward to and hopefully the opportunity for fun and games on top of normal life.

Summer here we come!

The person I am now

On Sunday, I wrote about the slave I feel i am now. In that post, I considered the changes I have made during my relationship with Master and the way in which perhaps evolution has taken place. As a happier person, someone who no longer needs to take charge of many situations, perhaps my natural self has emerged for probably the first time.

Encounters with my ex are still a challenge. He is a man who for many years used me as his main form of support and who at times seems to struggle in taking control of his own life. My son is frustrated by the way his dad interacts with him but luckily he doesn’t expect me to intervene. You see, I couldn’t be the person i was when we were together. The person who made the decisions, who managed finances and life in general. At times he still frustrates me, but he is not my problem. As we move further apart, dealing with him becomes easier, even if I haven’t quite managed to properly extract myself from this marriage and I still live here in our house. I also acknowledge I haven’t dealt with the way he just walks in still, but increasingly I am separating myself from that and am unaffected by it. I know what needs to be done and just need to get on with it.

Next there is the relationship I have with my mum. Probably for the first time since my dad died, or perhaps even for a much longer period than that I am managing to distance myself from her. Her needs of me are such that she does rely on me to take her shopping and to help with the general management of her life and home. But I do have two brothers who are being required to step up. Gradually she is calling me less and also gradually she is emerging from the pain of bereavement. Hopefully this year we will help her become more independent. What is true though, is she actually doesn’t begrudge me my happiness, she is learning to leave me alone at the weekends when I am with Master and when she calls it is for a chat and no more. Gradually too, I am letting go of the feeling that I need to be needed.

As for my son, well he is living with his girlfriend, developing his career, and having a good time. He and I have the relationship we need. He knows where I am when he needs me and while I would like to see more of him, I know that he needs the space right now. Happily he now seems to approve of my relationship with Master and for that I am extremely happy.

Finally there is one person who seems to recently been trying to renew his relationship with me over the past couple of weeks. I will always be grateful to S for helping me to see that I didn’t need to put up with the life I had. Grateful also for helping me find my submissive self but much more the sexual person I really am. But he also was the man who dumped me twice. He is the man who made me feel he was the Dom of my dreams only to reveal himself as something of a fraud. We have remained friends on Facebook and Fetlife, though for many many months there was no contact. Suddenly over the past couple of weeks he has appeared on Facebook and begun to chat. Both times i have been polite but have also felt that this isn’t what i want. His assertion that he only has good memories of me isn’t exactly reciprocated and I have been feeling that now is the time to permanently cut off all contact. Reading Morning Star’s post today made me think that perhaps that is exactly what I need to do.

365 questions – January 19th

My current favourite website is………


I have no one favourite website, what I have is a number of places that I regularly visit for different reasons and that I like. These tend to change slightly over time and depending on mood.

Social media – generally I visit Facebook far too much, I like to keep up with family, my slimming world and to see what Master might have shared today. Twitter, I like to look at to see what is trending; far too many famous people’s deaths lately. Also recently starting to follow some of the sex / kink people from my alternative account.

News – The Guardian or Huffington post, though I am not adverse to viewing more right wing places. Less so the BBC these days, unless looking for news on my football team, Arsenal.

Cookery – I love to check out recipes, even if I don’t always follow them to the letter they are brilliant for ideas. I like Jamie Oliver and some of the BBC good food recipes among others.

I visit Fetlife when I am in the mood for it and when I want to catch up with events. Sometimes though I just find it too irritating – there is no one way and too many people there think there is.

Tumblr – Master’s blog and then my feed page. At times I am looking for a certain photo to reblog, or looking for an idea for a post but others I just want to look at porn. I am not sure where that came from in me, but it is there!

Then there are blogs; those I have linked to and sometimes on a voyage of discovery moving from site to site finding new places I have never been to or else not for some time. These are generally sex related, kinky, BDSM, M/s…….. But where I go depends on my mood.

There are more places, shopping, wikipedia, amazon to name a few.

The world wide web is a massive place (not to say that you can always trust it) and I am always open to new places to visit once, twice or often.

365 days – 17th January

What are you grateful for?

There is so much to be grateful for in my life as it is right now.

Master – that we approach our second anniversary and having stood the test of time we are together and closer than ever. I know I say this a lot, but I am happier than I ever imagined. That I can express my submission to Him in the way I do gives me so much pleasure. I am His and that feels good.

My lifestyle – I have a good job that pays well. This means I can easily pay my way and enjoy life. It also means I can help my son when he needs it and I can go and buy clothes (and other things) if I want to.

The fact that things with ex-hubby are getting easier, who knows this might be the year that I draw this whole thing to a close.

My family – My mum (though god knows she tests that gratitude frequently), my brothers, nieces and nephews. My wonderful son and his girlfriend, the fact they are happily getting their own life together and that he no longer relies on me and is as happy as he is.

The holidays – I always wanted to travel to new places and now I can and do. I love the places we go and the places we see.

My apartment in France – While it is currently a bit of a drain on resources it will be a source of income and a way of providing some pension in the future. It is also a haven, a place to go and to enjoy and it has given me some experiences I would never otherwise have had.

New experiences – That Master let  me into his ‘world’; his interests – films, music, history, art, travel and in turn I have made him experience mine! Including the family!

Wine – I know I sometimes drink too much of it, but thank goodness for the grape and the work that those who make such amazing wine do. Ditto for good food!

Slimming world – The slimming club I joined last April and the friends I have made there who are helping me to counterbalance the wine and food described above.

Happiness  – I am happier than I ever imagined I would or could be.

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