This week

I am going to write this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind. Before I talk myself out of it. I am writing it here, because once it is here I won’t be able to pretend it isn’t what I decided and and what I should do.

At 4.30am this morning hubby walked into the bedroom to collect his clothes for work. Last week, I left them downstairs, but he still came up into the bedroom and lay on the bed for an hour before leaving. This is a man who had spent the weekend away from home, leaving on Friday and returning as this week early Monday morning. During that time there was no contact between us.

Back to this morning, he got dressed. Lay on the bed and since I was awake I spoke; just hello. In the next couple of minutes we exchanged a few words – not many from me as I was not properly awake. Then he dropped his bombshell. He uttered the words – I will be home this Saturday night. Now, I don’t know if this means all weekend, just Saturday night or what. But he hasn’t been here on a Friday, Saturday or Sunday night for months and he is usually out Mondays as well.

Something inside me clicked at that very moment. I said nothing but my mind was in over drive.

Not withstanding anything I might want to be doing next Saturday. Indeed even if I am having a quiet night on my own. I do not want this. I do not want to be with this man, spending time with him that I didn’t chose to spend.

This is the week that I must gather my strength and be honest and open. I must be clear that I want us to separate.

There I have said it.

The end

This time for good.

When S and I resumed our relationship last August, it was always likely to be a temporary thing. A friends with benefits kind of arrangement was what we agreed. During that time we have made the most of that dynamic and things have been good. But I was always aware that he was looking for a long term relationship and that he felt that I was not the one for that (I am inclined to agree with that assessment, though at times let my emotions get the better of me).

However I was not quite expecting him to find that special person so soon after our New Year together. Hell I hadn’t even told my blog the funny parts of that trip, nor had I expressed anything about the difficult phone call I had with my husband and the lies I told him.

But, apparently he has met someone and he thinks that she is going to be ‘the one’ for him. I want him to be happy, and from the sound of things, she may well be able to do that for him.

So that is it for us.

I felt a bit odd for a day or two, but only really in that I am sad that I won’t be having any more times like New Year with S. I like the kink with him and I had slipped back into enjoying the excitement and thrill of that.

He says he hopes I meet someone else, that I deserve to be happy.

Of course I do and sometime maybe that will happen. Not right now though.

Right now, I need to sort out the mess of my long term relationship and get myself into a position where I can have a relationship with whom I want, when I want and on the terms I want.

Its over with S but it doesn’t feel like the complete end of anything.

If anything it is the beginning of a new phase – well that’s what I am hoping anyway!

Change ahead?

Hubby announced at the end of last week that he wouldn’t be spending Christmas with us. Instead he told me that he will be helping the homeless at a shelter in London. He told me that this is something he has always wanted to do. I really want to believe that this is true, and perhaps it is.

However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.

Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don’t know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.

It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.

I don’t deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.

He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.

The greatest sadness is that he doesn’t feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.

I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.

I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.

Reflections on the last week

Around 7 days ago almost to the hour, S and I were walking near where he lives. We walked across a beach that was really too rocky for the shoes I was wearing. We negotiated rock pools and saw fish swimming in them. We sat on the beach and ate local crab (not caught by us I hasten to add), and then we went and found a secluded woody area where we had some really quite kinky sex. During the 15 months of our relationship, I had become increasingly more comfortable with being restrained, having my nipples clamped, being collared and last Saturday afternoon all of those things were involved. At the same time, I had become relaxed at being naked or semi clothed in a place where technically people could discover us, but were unlikely to do so.

On this occasion, I was cuffed, clamped and tied to a tree while he pushed his cock inside me. Once we found an optimum position for me to get into he slid in easily and then when he stroked my clit at the same time, I came quickly and with some force.

Afterwards we sat and ate strawberries, we chatted and all seemed well. Then we set off for home.

On the way back, I was thinking about how wonderful our relationship seemed to be, how good the sex was and how easy we were with each other.

It was only a couple of hours later that my bubble was burst.

This has been a long week in many of ways. S and I were chatting online last night and he remarked just that. I guess he has had cause for reflection too.

I have had lots of opportunity to think and to talk about events with various friends this week. I have also chatted to S a few times. The problems with S pale into insignificance in a way when it comes to the issues I now have in my marriage. It is great to know that I have the support I need around me to manage all of that.

The graduation was lovely. A beautiful day, a very smart, handsome son in his graduation robes amongst his peers. I have rarely felt so proud. But there were slightly less happy parts to the day. Hubby, who had agreed to attend and who had promised not to let us down, was less than excellently behaved. I had to tell him at one point that he has to learn to control the comments that come out of his mouth, especially in front of our son. Plus a scary and now funny half an hour – The graduate forgot his brand new suit trousers, and there was a frantic trip into the nearest town to buy another identical pair. Most of the unpleasantness by hubby was during that time. But we got the trousers, he got changed, he collected his robes and we got into the auditorium by the allotted time.

Later we were joined in a local pub by my parents and had a pleasant meal.

It feels now that a phase of my life has passed. My son is now ready for the world and so, I think am I. No matter what unpleasantness occurs in the next few weeks (and it will), I can see where I am heading.

I don’t regret my time with S, but I do regret that it has ended before I felt ready. But I will recover and I will move on, it helps to know he is still my friend and that we are still there to help each other through the tough times ahead.

How did things go so wrong so quickly?

This time last week I was looking forward to an afternoon of fun with S. It was a lovely sunny day, he had a day off and I half a day. Traffic got in the way and while he reached our proposed destination I did not. It turns out that the day would not have been as I expected anyway, since he was proposing to drop his bombshell on me then. As it was my happiness lasted a few more days.

It would be true to say that in the past month, pretty much since I returned from France, I have been going around with a huge smile on my face, everything in my life felt pretty good. I posted about it here just over a week ago.

After the weekend I have received lots of support from friends. I have been out for 2 lunches and came away from them with a firm plan. I would say nothing about all of this to hubby for the time being. In effect, all I needed to do to maintain as much pleasantness in the lives of my family as possible was to keep quiet.

Tomorrow is my son’s graduation. He has achieved so much, a First Class Degree and with it a prize from his department. We as his parents will be there to see him receive these. Afterwards, dinner with my parents.

As soon as hubby and I sat together last evening after work I knew keeping quiet would be harder than I had thought. I have been married to him for nearly 30 years, of course he knows me and he knew there was something wrong with me. The smirk he has accused me of having for the last few weeks had gone. He hit straight for the jugular and asked questions about S, the weekend and when I would be seeing him again. He wasn’t especially unpleasant, but the more I tried to keep my answers level and brief, the more he pushed until eventually I told him I was no longer seeing S. At this point the best thing would have been to let him believe he had a chance or repairing our marriage. But no, I moved straight on to telling him the truth about all of the things I have been thinking.

So the position now, after another night of little sleep, is that I do not know if he will be at either the graduation or dinner after. I have hurt him more than ever, and he through the things he said through the course of the evening and night and the vitriol with which he said them is in an even worse state. My own view of him is that I like him even less today than I did yesterday.

I feel as if I have burst my own bubble well and truly now. I have created one hell of a mess in the pursuit of my own happiness.

So, today, I have to make him see that we have to salvage at least something. We are still parents and our son deserves better than the current behaviour of either of his parents.

Regrets?

Not at all. The past 15 months has opened up a whole new world and made me challenge the status quo of my life. How could I regret that?

The past couple of days have been, to say the least, difficult. No one likes to be told that something must end before they themselves feel that they are ready. Dealing with that message is challenging.

So too is the realisation that your emotions can’t be controlled, especially when, like me, you are the kind of person who rarely cries.

On Saturday afternoon I felt rejected, and hurt. Even though we had discussed that day arriving, I had not seen that it had arrived. I know that he had tried to find the right moment to do what he felt he should and must, but for me, I wasn’t sure he chose the right one. But then, when would that have been?

I drove home much of the 115 miles with tears either stinging my eyes or with them running down my face. I was upset and confused, but not angry. There had been little time before I needed to leave and he needed to go out to talk. What is more, words were difficult to find. Being given the things in the goody bag that essentially belong to me was bizarre. After all, when will I ever want to get them out again? I bought them for him, my Dom and now I have no Dom (they were my thoughts).

48 hours later the great feeling of grief is already fading a little. I have been grateful for yesterday being Sunday and today being a day off work. Grateful too for the helpful words of support from friends (online and in person). Today, I have fortuitously met a good friend for a prearranged lunch. She has let me talk freely, reassured me when I have been weepy and has offered me just the right amount of advice.

I have also been helped by a lovely email from S (I will call him that from now on as he is no longer Sir) and then a Skype chat last night.

I am clear now about what I need to do to move forward. If when I tell him, hubby thinks we will return to our previous life, he is mistaken. S has helped me see (all be it through the blurred vision of tears) that I need to be free to venture upon the next phase of my life. I hope that he will be part of that phase, just not in the way I might have hoped.

So for this afternoon, right now, I am feeling positive.

I am under no illusions that there will be more than enough ups and downs to come. More knocks and blows. But I know that I have friends around me, including many of you who have left me messages or emailed. Thank you all.

This is not the end of the journey, perhaps it is in truth still beginning?

It’s over

The relationship I have been having for the past 15 months with the man who I called Sir on this website and often outside of it is over.

There have been no arguments, no crossed words even. I believe we will always hold a special place in our hearts for each other, but it has ended.

We found each other at a time we needed what we found with each other. He is more ready than me to move into a new phase in his life and I respect him for his honesty. He is a lovely man, and I won’t hear a word said against him.

I can’t talk about it here yet. I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings to a few people in the real world first.

All I can say is that I am sad, very sad.