Finding myself

“Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.”
― Lana Del Rey

I started this blog when I was at the beginning of a journey. Funnily enough at the beginning I didn’t know if it would lead anywhere, nor where that place would be.

I didn’t wake up one day and think: I know what, I’ll become a sex blogger. But as someone with limited sexual experience at the age of 50, writing about my newfound experiences seemed to be worthwhile. What’s more, I am glad I did. Especially the times when I’ve written about my hopes and fears, my feelings. Even though I don’t dwell on past relationships, documenting them here has meant I have the opportunity to look back to see where I’ve come from.

Now though, I think I am there. I have arrived at the place, the life I wanted. I am living my own fantasy. Plus, for all I live in a 24/7 M/s relationship I am free of the invisible ties that seemed to keep me in an unhappy place for so long. In April I was at last divorced and so a process that began 30 years ago came to fruition. I knew a long time ago I had made a mistake in choosing my husband, but I stayed and saw the relationship through to its bitter end.

I saw my ex yesterday, I collected a letter from him. We stood outside our former marital home for 10 minutes or so. It was enough. I don’t miss much about the home and certainly nothing about my life with him. We had good times and have a son to show for our long marriage. But I’ve learned more in the past 8 years about sex and relationships than I did in the rest of my adult life.

This life, master and I have together isn’t perfect. Who’s is? I’m struggling a bit with my submission. some days I don’t think I want our relationship to be a power exchange. But then when I think things through I know that I need it. I rebel and push against it, but it keeps me safe. It stops me having to worry about making decisions. I worry that I don’t feel as aroused as I want to be (medication causes that I think). But I also know that once we touch, kiss or have sex I am me again. A sexual being, that craves the dominance he provides me with. He makes me feel fulfilled and free to be myself.

I’m at a crossroads here. I love my blog but am tired of it too. I want to write, but often can’t. It feels like time for a change in direction, but I don’t know what that means or where it might take me. There will definitely be a rebrand in the coming weeks, I’ve started to think about how the blog might look. What I’m less sure of is the content.

Thanks to LSBs meme Quote Quest and Lana Del Rey’s beautiful lyrics in her haunting song Ride for the inspiration for this post. Maybe using more quotes to inspire is the way forward?

Remembering

When we were in the throws of separating my husband told me that he felt that our whole life together had been a waste. That I had ruined all of the good things we had together by my act of infidelity and decision not to remain with him. That was a bit rich coming from a man who had been unfaithful first. But this post is not about that. It is about my response. Which was: I wouldn’t change the things we did together, the family times, holidays and of course our son. Much less the 5 years before we married and the fun things we did afterwards, but before our son was born. I know that 6 years on he thinks differently, but in the heat of the moment I understand why he reacted as he did.

There are many things in my life that I would approach differently, but nothing I would really change. My memories of our long relationship are in the main happy ones. That wasn’t always the case because they were marred by my bitterness of the way he, I and we handled certain situations. But also of my general sense of unhappiness of a life less than fulfilled. So even when I was doing something fun, I found it difficult to just be happy. I was always comparing myself and my relationship with that of others. Perceiving myself to be suffering some how. This is weird, because some of those relationships were nothing to write home about.

But now, from the safety of a happy relationship with a man I know I love and trust I see things differently. I remember with fondness our holidays and family days. As my son was an only child and he has 4 cousins one or more of them came on our trips out and sometimes holidays. Sometimes my parents, their grandparents came along too.

That I spent too much time alone with my son while my husband was either working or pretending to is a source of irritation. It has affected their longer term relationship. But I no longer have to defend him or make excuses for it. I should have been braver and left him sooner. But I am no longer living in the land of what if.

Just as when Master and I discuss that it would have been good if we had met sooner. There is no point in worrying about what might have happened if we had. The experience of life has given me the memories I have. There are times I would rather forget, but know that remembering is more useful. I won’t be fooled in the way I was when young, but at the same time I can let go. I can remember the good and leave the irritations I once felt in the mist of time.

what is more I am making new memories, with Master with my son and with family and friends. It’s good to look back but healthy too to have an eye on the present and what is to come.

F4Thought

Packing

This is in the main a sex and  lifestyle blog but I am going to make no excuses for the fact that over the next few weeks much navel gazing will take place. I have around four weeks before I move from my home of 27 years and my emotions are a little raw. This post marks the fact I have begun the packing process.

I began to prepare for this moment last year. A fair amount of decluttering took place, but I like to keep some things close to me. Personal things that define me, my life and the family we have been. These include books, photos and CDs. Even though my entire catalogue of music is held on iTunes, I also have most of it in CD. There is music I have deleted from that collection because it might have been hubby’s preference but certainly not mine. It turns out that deleting digital records are less meaningful than giving up a CD.

It feels as if I am starting with the most difficult things first. Emotionally that is. for practical reasons I am beginning with the things i don’t physically need but tonight realised that this packing lark isn’t as straight forward as I imagined.

I have placed our photo albums and packets of photos in a pile. Much of that isn’t online anywhere and we will need to discuss who owns what. The CDs felt like an easy place to start. To some extent it is, he loves Motown, Whitney Houston, Barry White and so on. I have tastes that include The Beautiful South, REM and Robbie Williams. But there is significant overlap and so as I packed CDs I became incrementally indecisive.

Of course, he might decide that he wants none of the CDs, he may want to let me take all of our photos. There are books that I know belong to him, including some from childhood. Maybe he won’t want them either. Time will tell.

I might have been a little blasé about moving on from my marriage. After all, we have had enough time to think about it. But these decisions about who owns what will carry through to the bitter and. And we haven’t even got to the difficult stuff yet!

The right track

This week’s wicked Wednesday prompt is conviction. If my brain was working as maybe it ought to then I’d write some smutty and horny story about a convict. But instead it is a little weary from posting 31 times in April. The blogging A-Z kind of took it out of me. As usual I failed to plan and was often playing catch up. Sometimes there was a kink related theme, but often not. Interestingly I found the former easier to think about and deal with. A lesson for the future. Back to today though. Conviction in this case is about knowing I am actually on the right track with life and relationships.

Me and us

Our sex life is revitalised. Master seems to be over his shoulder problems, but more than that we have worked out ways of having sex without putting pressure on it. It’s taken us ages to realise that sex (at least at the beginning of a session) works better on our sides. For me, it seems to help with some of the pain issues I was having on penetration and for him his shoulder pain. Once we get going, then a variety of positions is possible. It is adding to Master’s confidence again and so our sex life. We are definitely on the right track. Next, hopefully our kink and play time will also be revitalised. Part of that has been about winter, cold weather and lack of opportunity. Which leads me onto the next exciting development.

Next chapter

Within the next month I will have resigned my job. I have told my boss and started to prepare to recruit a successor. I need to give 3 months notice and plan to leave at the end of August. This decision has been made because I recognise the emotional strain I am going to be under over the coming months. The house move / swap is now on and I will be moving out and my ex and his partner moving in. My half of the house will be sold to her and I will move in with Master. At last I am in the process of instructing a solicitor to proceed with he sale.

I would be naive to believe this wouldn’t be stressful. I have lived here for 27 years. It was our family home and it will be a strain to leave. But my future awaits me and our future awaits us. We are definitely on the right track. Updates to follow.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Closure

Yesterday we said goodbye to my dad. The previous 10 days or so had been a flurry of activity; time spent with mum and the family, time organising the funeral and time at work. A Funeral is an interesting occasion I always think; both sad and happy in almost equal measures.

Seeing the flowers in the garden as I arrived at their house. My niece telling me she had written a poem for granddad and wanted to read it out, and in the next breath bursting into tears and saying she couldn’t. Followed by helping her write her card and slipping the poem behind it (later reading the beautiful words was both happy and sad). The relief at seeing both my ex sisters in law after they had said they wouldn’t be there. Seeing my brother, son and nephews carrying the coffin. Hearing my brother read out the words I had written for us all. Seeing my son and his cousins hugging each other in grief.

But what joy to see the 5 grandchildren and their respective girl and boyfriends eating lunch together, and chatting the entire afternoon was such a joy to see. Catching up with cousins I have not seen in months or even years in some cases. Seeing and hearing everyone enjoying recounting memories, enjoying each others company was great too. My relief at knowing the food had lived up to expectation and that mum was coping well.

A funeral is a ritual that we need to go through. It helps bring some kind of closure to the first part of our grieving process. I know we all have a long way to go, but yesterday helped.