“Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life”.Thich Nhåt Hanh
“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.” – Louis L’Amour
What a fabulous idea for a meme. The lovely LSB has launched Quote Quest and this is the very first quote.
I guess the trouble with endings is that you can’t always work out when something is finished or ended. Take relationships. It’s only in looking back that I can measure (approximately) when I knew my marriage was over. There are several contenders. You see, I’d been going through the motions for years but there was a day when I decided that there had to be more to life. The first time I met S and decided to embark on a relationship with him. The day that my ex found out about S. More likely the day S had finished with me and I didn’t beg my husband to take me back.
2018 was a massive year of endings. I helped my mum move into a more suitable home, packed up my own belongings and moved in with Master. I resigned my job and left that then developed breast cancer, which felt at the time an ending to my life as an attractive woman.
But actually all those endings brought with them beginnings. My mum’s move has helped develop and nurture my relationship with the elder of my two brothers. We have to work together to keep her safe and we have to speak to each other to prevent her playing us off against each other.
I’ve been back to the house I lived in for 27 years and it is no longer home. I have no feelings about it and now look on Masters house as home. That did take a long time, probably 18 months. I felt I was a visiter, but now we’ve begun to decorate and buy new things that are ours I feel more secure.
The house move and the injection of cash that went with it meant I could stop working. I’m conscious I have some dependency on Master but am learning to park that in a very tiny corner of my brain. My money is invested and I have an income. Plus, I also have my apartment in France. So, there really is very little for me to worry about on that score. Not working opened up some amazing opportunities. So in the past two years I’ve had time to go to galleries and museums. To attend concerts and learn about classical music. I’ve travelled extensively and last year for the first time ever was away from home on holiday for 5 straight weeks. The best part of not working though is not feeling tired and stressed all the time. Indeed, I didn’t know I was tired until I wasn’t any more.
This year has been weird. But the enforced time at home has brought with it some silver linings. I have plants in pots and I have my tomato plants. Plus, I have plans for growing more things. I’ve almost finished my cross stitch that has taken 5 years and I have a new one that I’m determined to complete in a fraction of the time. I’ve stepped up my French online lessons and am on the lookout for resources to help with my comprehension of spoken French. I am hopeful of the opportunity to practice in real life by September.
Taking a negative and making it into a positive
I can’t pretend that I haven’t struggled these past months. We should be in Spain right now. My weight hasn’t increased but I’ve lost the momentum for weight loss. The surgery I thought I’d have at this autumn is now a distant hope. In fact I am wondering if it would be worth the effort. Breast reconstruction is big stuff. The surgery lasts at least 8 hours and the recovery is long.
I’ve grown used to my body as it is. I’d rather have two boobs but it isn’t the end of the world. I have my health and my partner loves me as I am.
I’m looking forward to a future when we aren’t all fearful of stepping outside the door. I want to eat in a restaurant again and stay in a hotel. Coronavirus is something I will be very glad to see the back of. But as I said at the beginning we probably won’t know when we are living normally again until we are. I’m pretty sure it will happen and I know we’ll look back on this year and hopefully embrace the beginnings it allows us to have.
Two new memes started this week. Quote Quest run by Little Switch Bitch (I plan to write for that in my next post) and No True Way, run by Lillith Avir. The first prompt for Lillith’s meme is: Whether worn or not, the collar is never off.
Master gave me my collar in July 2015. Before that I had worn a chunky chained bracelet with a lock as well as various leather collars during play. The symbolism of this collar, made of titanium and locked in place by means of a tiny screw felt different. But not just because you need a screwdriver to be able to take it off.
What the collar signifies
First and foremost it means ownership. His of me. It tells me and others that I am his. That I have committed myself to him. I like to wear it and have rarely removed it except for medical stuff. It doesn’t set the alarms off at the airport, much to the surprise and disappointment of border staff.
At events and munches it prevents people making a move on me (though I’m not clear they would anyway). So, it gives me a sense of security, but also pride. I wouldn’t be wearing his collar if I wasn’t proud to do so.
The collar is never off
My collar is a symbol of something that I don’t actually need a collar to know. You see, whether I actually have it around my neck or not, I’m still his owned property. I like to feel it there, a cool presence, but I don’t need it to be there.
I know that I am Master’s slave, his slut. I know what his expectations of me are and I know how to please him. There is no need to be wearing a physical symbol to know those things. But I’ve struggled with my submission a little more than usual recently and I’ve found the collar has helped.
When I’m not wearing it I miss it. From September 2018 to February 2019 I couldn’t wear my collar as much as I’d like. Just at a time when to be honest I needed the safety and security of it being there. But that was partly because the reason for removing it was medical stuff. Scans, surgery and then radiotherapy. Putting it back on in February 2019 was a joy.
It feels like I’ve contradicted myself in this post
Which of course I have. I really don’t need a collar to tell me I am Master’s slave and property. But I like the reassurance of it being there. It gives me reassurance and affirms everything I already know. In truth the collar is never really off but I actually don’t want to physically do so.
This is the first in a series of posts over the coming days and weeks. I plan to use some older images to participate in the Scavenger Hunt. (The photography meme is now owned and run by Sub bee). It will give me the chance to revisit some fun times and to show off my body a bit more.
This photo was taken on one of our first holidays together in Spain (2015). The weather during that easter break was amazing. Going out without underwear was a newish thing and I embraced it as you can see. And, it wasn’t until I suffered a bought of chafing towards the end of the holiday that I wore any at all.
Master took this photo as we walked down from our apartment in Seville.
This last fortnight’s Kink of the Week topic has been washing and grooming. I’ve always found being in the bath or shower together to be a very intimate experience. We take a bath together reasonably often, but this usually involves sitting at opposite ends. During those times we tend to soak, relax and chat. Sometimes with wine or something sparkling. Other times it will be a way to sooth aching muscles, like when we have been doing something strenuous like decorating. Our shower cubicle is small, so we don’t tend to get in there together. But there have been some occasions when we’ve stayed in hotel rooms with amazing bathrooms. Or even rooms with bathtubs in the room, then things can be a little different. There have also been times when Master has shaved me. Memorable hotel rooms and bathrooms
Memorable hotel rooms and bathrooms
In 2014, towards the end of our first year together Master took me to Amsterdam for the weekend. We stayed in a hotel with amazing themed rooms. Ours contained a huge jacuzzi bath, steam room and sauna. There was also the hugest bed I’ve ever seen. As you can imagine, we made some fabulous memories there. Plus we even found time to get out and about.
Having the space to be naked, not just for sex or play really was fabulous. This was a restorative break as my dad had recently died. I loved that we could shower together, including washing each other. Also that we could sit in the sauna and spend time in the jacuzzi. That set a precedent for some of what has come since.
We’ve only once since had a room with a bath that wasn’t in a separate room and that was also in Holland. But we’ve stayed in some wonderful places and enjoyed beautiful bathrooms.
Unlike many Dominants Master is a lover of pubic hair on his girl. Early on he required that I keep myself groomed so that there was a landing strip for him to use. It would be safe to say that I’ve been better at complying with this in the past rather than now. However, from time to time he decides he wants to shave me. I usually use a depilatory cream, but he prefers the shave. This Sinful Sunday image is from just such an occasion.
There is something extremely intimate, and also for me, submissive to him doing this to me, his property. I do believe that shave led on to sex and other activities!
It feels like time to call our current situation the new normal. After all this is probably how our life will be for a while. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it, nor how angry everyone is about our current world.
It isn’t that anything has specifically changed. Ok, so we didn’t have a Covid pandemic before and hadn’t been locked in our houses for months. But the racism, homophobia, transphobia and everything else existed before. Maybe though, the pandemic is helping people find a way to shout out about what they believe in. It is sad though that people have had to be persecuted and to die for these causes. It is a tragedy that we live in a world of casual bigotry and that the voices of the few are given so much more space than the many. I know I’ve been quiet on these matters, but now I need to find me a new normal.
Focusing on the issues
Last week I listened to one of @annestaggwrites daily podcasts. I try to listen when I can. This one covered J.K Rowlings recent transphobic utterings and subsequent announcement about having been abused. Anne described and explained ‘peak white feminism’, that women like Rowlings centre themselves around an issue to the exclusion of all others. It struck a nerve because when I had read some of what Rowlings had said I actually ignored the trans bit and focused down on the idea that only people who menstruate are women. After listening to Anne it dawned on me that I had done exactly what she describes. Centred myself as the wronged when I am in such a place of privilege.
I’ve been trying to read and listen to and about more LGBTQ voices. In particular to those that relate to gender and transphobia. I know I still have a long way to go and accept I that being a white middle aged woman who is financially secure and in a healthy relationship means I have many more privileges than most.
I think it is often difficult to see the bigger picture when we feel personally affronted. It’s easy to say “why should black lives matter?” After all, everyone’s life should matter. And that is right. But I’ve known for a very long time that some people’s lives matter more than others. In the early 80’s I was introduced to the Black report. Published in 1980 it highlighted that inequalities in health had widened since the start of the NHS in 1948 rather than narrowed. Those living in poverty often had low level jobs, poor diets and housing conditions. Their life chances were limited and they were more likely to die younger. Families were stuck in a cycle of poor education, poor jobs and poor health. That report was suppressed and subsequent reviews of poverty and inequalities have not been acted upon.
Black Lives Matter
Since 1980 there have been numerous reports about various aspects of inequality. One of the most recent by David Lammy relating to Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) individuals in the criminal justice system. It highlights that people from those communities are more likely to live in poverty, to have done less well at school, less likely to have been to school, and disproportionately more likely to have been to prison.
It is pretty likely that if the Black Report were published today the outcomes would be the same, but more of the individuals would be from a black or ethnic minority background. Issues of inequality are one thing of course, but blatant discrimination goes that one step further. I suspect many of the white men protesting in London this weekend consider themselves to be the oppressed and discriminated against. They fail to see that just being a person of colour disadvantages an individual before you take any other issue into account.
Listening to every voice – The new norma
It would be so nice if everyone’s voice could be heard equally. Sadly that isn’t the case. If you have to preface an apology with the word ‘but’ then you clearly aren’t listening. I am proud of my fellow bloggers such as Quinn Rhodes and know ze is finding it difficult to be one of the few trans voices. I know too that ze needs us CIS people to be more open about our support. As a white, heterosexual sex blogger I’m going to try to do just that. But also to listen, to hear and to learn. Everyone’s voice is worth listening to, but only if you are willing to listen, hear and learn in return.
This must be our new normal.
Well this year has turned out a little different than expected. When I posted my goals for the year on 31st December and 1st January none of us knew what was in store for us. But since the only certainty right now is not knowing how long things will be different it’s time to review and revise those goals.
Goal 1 was about planning
For the first 3 months of the year I was really diligent about planning, reviewing and keeping up with my achievements. I love my planner and am now glad I didn’t buy one with pre-printed dates. When gradually your appointments and plans disappear from sight, it is difficult to see the point of planning every day. At the beginning of the year I was writing for several memes each week. Now I feel unable to write for many of them and sadly Masturbation Monday has gone on hiatus.
So. It’s time to stop using the memes as my planning tool and instead think about what topics I want to write about. Then if they fit somewhere and I want to join I’ll do so. It’s a shame as the memes are great drivers of traffic.
Goal 2 was about getting fit and healthy
I was massively focused on this goal because I assumed I was going to have reconstruction surgery by the autumn. My new blog and it’s own meme was to be one of my tools. But as lockdown began I struggled to find purpose in either losing weight or in writing on the blog. For many weeks my weight plateaued. I had just received my 1 stone award – the last slimming world group before lockdown. Now though my weight is creeping up. The main culprit I know is wine. We’ve slipped back into old ways and I’ve got very bad at saying no. Our slimming groups continue, but via zoom. We all weigh ourselves at home and then send the weight to the consultant.
But there has been little incentive to make progress. Often I don’t hold myself accountable and it’s difficult for the consultant and group from afar. Plus, of course everyone is dealing with lockdown issues that are thrown at them. whether it is the loss of a job, home schooling or health worries.
This is one goal that has to stand. I want to be fit and healthy whether I have surgery or not. So, I plan to focus on putting the right things in my mouth and to losing weight. Even though I can’t go swimming I can walk and I will try to double down on better diet and exercise choices.
Goal 3 was about my new blog
Who starts a new meme and chooses a prompt about eating out just as the world’s restaurants close? Me that’s who.
I was really starting to get into my new Food, Fitness and Health blog by mid March and was writing regularly. But I can’t deny it’s been a struggle. I am now planning to devote more time to it. I have made the For the Health of it Meme monthly and hope that with some more promotion I can get things going. This month’s For the Health of it prompt is – Hopes and Fears for the future. Head over and take a look.
Goal 4 was about making improvements to the blog
This will be my main project for the coming months. I want to think about the style, to create a gallery of my photos and to improve elements such as ‘all about me’. I was thinking about trying to monetise the blog and haven’t ruled that out. But I know I am less driven than many of my smutlancer colleagues. I’m not looking for a job as such and like to write for fun.
I am however really enjoying being a smutlancer, even though I’m not doing the ‘lancing’ bit. We have a great and very supportive group of people who support, critique and make suggestions about each other’s work. Kayla and Molly are there to oversee and provide advice and guidance. But it isn’t about them telling us what we should do, instead it’s much much more of a team approach. I know that if I want to start pitching for work I have the support network around me. There’s also help with the more technical issues and our Slack channel is great for bouncing ideas off each other. It’s fabulous value for $5-50 per month. I highly recommend it.
Goal 5 was about writing more fiction
This is something I have actually achieved. Indeed at times I’ve found it easier to write fiction than about my dull life. I plan to do much more.
Goal 6 was about getting divorced
My Decree Absolute came through in April and so I have achieved that. 🙂
Goal 7 was about earning some money
I started a project for my ex employers at the beginning of the year. Sadly I’m not sure the recommendations will ever get implemented due to Covid. Plus, I’m still waiting to get paid which is a bit irritating. I’ve also discovered that the person who took my job and who I thought was a friend is great at gas lighting people. Still, you live and learn.
I have earned some money from working during the pandemic though and though it’s not much it is welcome. On balance I don’t think I’m going to worry about looking for a job or anything. Though I may change my mind when I start spending more money.
I deliberately decided not to post Every Damn Day in June (that is not every day). But didn’t mean to leave gaps of 3 days. Hence a post today even though there’s already been a Sinful Sunday. But this week has been strange.
For a start I imagined I’d be doing the contract tracing work. I never imagined that things would be so unorganised that I would spend 16 hours twiddling my thumbs and still get paid for it. I know this seems immoral, but as someone who is owed untold hours by the state I don’t. However I do feel sad that I haven’t had the opportunity to call someone up and ask them to stay home. Most of the people I know do anyway, but clearly some people are out.
Death and destruction
I’ve tried to keep my head down. I hate confrontation and I hate violence more. The death of George Floyd was horrific and I know the right thing to do is to speak up and to protest. But I felt shell shocked and so said nothing, which is wrong. But it wasn’t till Friday (2 days ago) I watched any of the footage. This wasn’t intentional but for some reason the BBC decided it was ok to show footage at 18.45. I walked into my mum’s living room to lay the table and saw it. I was horrified and shocked. Even though I had read about his awful death I was truly shocked. My immediate thought was that children could easily have seen it too.
I am worried about people protesting, I can’t deny it. The brutality of police (mainly in America) and the worry that it will cause a further Covid spike are real. Having hidden away for days, I recognised the need to appear and speak up. But what to say? I admire people for coming out and protesting. But worry that they could pay the ultimate price for doing so.
I am visiting mum because I feel I must. Having not been out for 3 months she has no idea of the world around her. Instead the news is her source of information. She lives in a bubble where the real world feels scary and she does’t quite believe what real people say. My elder brother and I are pretty sure she is in the early stages of Dementia, helped along by a prolonged period of self isolation. She craves attention and then lashes out at us when we are there. Meanwhile my younger brother is taking large quantities of money from her.
We have to make this stop. In the next few weeks we will have a family conference to try to manage the situation. I am beyond sad that two of us spend our time trying to help her and the third is busy selling her his time.
We should have set off for Spain this week. Right now I should be sitting in a tapas bar in Seville! But instead we wonder when we can travel again.
I am actually determined to get down to France before the end of Summer. I can contact trace from there if necessary as I have a good internet connection. But only time will tell. I was pleased to see the market, bars and restaurants are now open. We just need our own rate to fall and our politicians to stop being complete jerks (if possible).
My libido is definitely returning. I’m feeling I might be able to write part 2 of The retreat next week. We’ve had some very good sex too which I must write about. I want to think too about how to get my submission back on track. We’ll need to work on it I know as it really has been a bit absent for months. But I know I still want to be his slave and that he wants and needs that.
So this has been my strange week. Let’s see what next week brings!
“I believe in everything until it’s disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it’s in your mind. Who’s to say that dreams and nightmares aren’t as real as the here and now?”John Lennon
It’s often difficult to establish fact from fiction, sometimes that matters and sometimes it doesn’t. If I tell you something about me, it is up to you to believe it or not. Thankfully I am basically a truthful person and the stuff I write here is essentially true. Of course I choose how much to tell you and what to keep to myself. This isn’t a diary, so doesn’t contain pages and pages of verbatim prose. That would be dull, but also would give too much information. So, how do we know if what we are told is true and to what extent does it matter?
Being true to myself
This blog is based on me and my life and while I write fiction that’s often based on an element of truth too. At the beginning I set out my purpose and have pretty much stuck to it. I have shared the good and the bad of my life. My relationships, struggles with family members and the fun times, like holidays. Often an image can paint many thousands of words, which is why my Sinful Sunday posts often contain no or few words. I think long and hard about the words and images I share. I want them to portray me and my life, but try not to make them misleading. Everything isn’t a bed of roses. I don’t have sex every day and I struggle with my submission. These are all truths.
Being true to others
Master knew about my blog from the start. He was keen for me to continue to write and has never told me what to include and what not to. At the beginning I was very careful about the information I shared about him and it was a while before he appeared in an image. His consent to participate is now implicit but I am always mindful of what he would want spoken or shown about him.
As for others in my life, well that is different. I do write about family members and others but am as vague as I can be without making my words meaningless. I recently shared a photo of my son as a child on this blog. But know I will need to remove it soon. It was done to illustrate a moment in my life, but was done without consent. Of course, I have no desire for him to discover this blog.
Fellow sex bloggers and kinksters choose to have a higher level of anonymity than I or Master and I do. So, I am mindful of that when I share details about the things I do and places I go.
When the truth is twisted
I am well aware that levels of honesty differ. I tend to take things and people at face value because I am honest. Where I get caught out is that I have a rubbish memory and can’t always remember exactly what was said and when. Also we all have our own version of the truth as we see and remember of it. That doesn’t make the different versions lies but it does lead to levels of honesty.
Sadly though, there are people out there who will use your words and actions against you and do so for ever. It’s a sad fact of life. Recently I had to decide who to believe when malicious things were being said about a friend. As I said at the time I can only make judgements on the facts in front of me and that includes previous behaviour. I’m more likely to believe someone I know well than someone I’ve never met.
I’m still sad about the events that led to the split in the sex blogging community. But in the end I had to choose my own path. One where I make my own judgements about others rather than to believe everything I am told. Hindsight tells me I was too trusting. I won’t be told which meme is safe of not, but instead will decide for myself. If that upsets some people then so be it.
This story is dedicated to @sexblogofsorts who recently challenged me to write something inspired by this photo.
A recent feature of our relationship is that he books up our trips away. I’ve found this difficult to let used to. I like to control where I’m going, how I travel and what I do when I get there. But, when you sign up to a D/s relationship, you have to let go of some things. This apparently is one that will do me good.
Having said that, Sir has never let me down, and arriving at the airport to be told we were heading to Slovenia was intriguing. “A long weekend in the hills around lake Bled”, he said as we presented our boarding passes and passports to the person at the departure gate. Three hours later Sir was unlocking the door to our weekend retreat.
The bedroom was beautiful, spacious with an enormous bed. The bathroom was luxurious and contained both a shower and jacuzzi bath. But it was the living area that intrigued me most. I mean who furnishes their apartment with a day bed in the middle of the room? Who buys a animal hide covered chair? Don’t get me started on the elephant statue. But I digress.
Any thoughts I had of us getting changed and exploring the area were dashed when Sir informed me that sightseeing would wait until tomorrow. The kitchen was fully stocked, so dinner would be ‘at home’. He then instructed me to strip off.
When I returned from the bedroom naked Sir had covered the daybed with a sheet. “we don’t want to get the furry cover wet do we?” he smirked. Indeed not!. He had also moved the chair closer to the bed. I lay on the bed as instructed and then, from a cupboard he produced cuffs for my ankles and wrists. This was obviously no ordinary Airbnb. Minutes later my legs were spread and ankles secured to the bed. Sir sat down, smiling as he stroked the smooth hide. Thank goodness we aren’t vegetarian, I thought.
“Touch yourself, slut” He commanded. I used my left hand to feel between the lips of my cunt. Unsurprisingly I could feel my own slick juices. “rub yourself”, I pressed on my clit and rubbed gently, as it grew and hardened “faster” he said and of course I obeyed. There was certain humiliation to this scene, one that aroused me all the more. I could hear the trees rustling in the breeze, and the birds singing within their branches. I wondered if there were neighbours. This retreat seems isolated enough, but you can never tell.
“Pay attention” Sir stood over me grinning. I do have a habit of drifting off while masturbating myself. “Here use this” I took the wand he held out. “Start slow and turn it up as I tell you” I pushed the large vibrating bulb against my cunt and tried to concentrate my mine. I knew what was coming next.
“No coming unless I say!” He took a sip of wine.
It was going to be a long evening.
To be continued.