Return to CMnf

I was anxious, almost as scared as the first time. Would people stare at my scar, my lack to a right breast? Would I be able to walk with confidence from the locker room, through the bar and into the play area?
The answer is yes. I did feel self conscious as I removed my clothes, particularly bra. But if others in the locker room noticed anything they didn’t show it. Joining Master at the seats in the open play area he smiled appreciatively. He helped me put on the body chain we had brought with us for the occasion and I sank gratefully onto the sofa and took a sip of prosecco. It was cool and refreshing; I let the bubbles evaporate on my tongue.

The printed agenda for the afternoon informed us that temporary tattoos were available, and since I don’t yet have anything permanent, I went off in search of one. I was pleasantly surprised to find that these were being applied by the team member who has also had a mastectomy.
Months ago, she wrote on Fetlife about attending her first post mastectomy CMnf. I had reached out to her, making contact even though I knew I wouldn’t be attending that one. We had exchanged words of encouragement, so it was good to have this opportunity to speak. She applied my chosen tattoo just above my scar as requested. As we chatted briefly about our shared experience, I knew coming today had been the right thing to do.

Playtime

We sat on our own for a while and watched as people arrived and the new ones were shown round. There were a few familiar faces, but sadly no one we actually knew. However we were soon joined by a threesome. Two ladies, obviously partners and their clothed Dom. We exchanged pleasantries and then decided to get out playtime in early. Very few people had begun to play yet, so most of the equipment was free, meaning we had maximum choice.
We haven’t played much recently, partly because we didn’t take any toys on holiday (the car was too packed with other stuff for one thing). But it was good to be bent over a bench again, wearing the blindfold Master so thoughtfully gave me. While he sorted out his implements of torture I relaxed into my role and let the sounds of music wash over me. Classical tracks that were easy to escape into, starting with some Bach (so I was told).

Gentle, leather strokes on my back and bottom were followed by the familiar sting of the flogger. Next something altogether firmer and sharper, something bristly then down right painful. I protested and for my trouble was rewarded with clamps being applied to my labia! Apparently, complaining about this was being bratty, but anyway once they were in place they were less panful than another source of arousal.
More impact followed, some more painful than others. But even though I moaned and said no, the idea of asking for him to stop never crossed my mind. I settled into the pain and pleasure, allowed the music and even people’s voices to fill my subconscious. This was truly our best play session in a long time. I felt relaxed and at home. I wasn’t tired or stressed and for once I just let it happen.

Afterwards we returned to our sofa and I spent some time recovering, eating chocolate and drinking prosecco and water for hydration purposed. Our session, which our sofa neighbours had been watching with interest, broke the ice and led to much conversation. The afternoon then passed in a relaxed companionable way with our new found friends (there has been further contact through Fetlife and email), We will hopefully see them again in the future).

Another high point was when I was stopped on my way to the toilet by the club owner’s partner. She and her friend congratulated me on being there and being willing to show my body. She told me I looked great. I have to admit I felt it.
I know I wouldn’t take my top off on a beach right now. It wouldn’t feel right. But Taking my clothes off at CMnf felt good. It took courage, but that was rewarded many times over. The kink community can be truly wonderful, or so it felt last weekend.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Getting back to the core of who I am

During normal, every day life it is easy to lose sight of what is really important. To imagine the small irritations of decision making, the routine of work and household activities are everything. It is easy to lose sight of your core, what makes you tick. The things that brought you together. Sometimes it takes a complete change in those routines to help you focus on what is really important.

Two of this week’s meme prompts lend themselves well to this topic – The Wicked Wednesday prompt is Core and Erotic Journal Challenge one is Retreat. The past few weeks for us have been in the form of a retreat. We left home on 8th July and only returned on 24th August. During that time we have travelled the length of France, from Calais in the north to a small seaside village in Aude in the south. Along the way we visited several towns, taking time to enjoy the culture and explore the countryside. After a couple of weeks chilling out we moved onto a boat and spent a week travelling at almost walking pace. After a long weekend celebrating my mum’s 80th birthday in England we returned to France. A week later we began the return journey through northern Spain before returning home.

During much of that time our engagement with others was limited. For days on end we heard no English voices. We had no need to be anywhere dictated by anyone else. We took time to be together and to explore our relationship in a way that hasn’t been possible before.

The craziness

As regular readers will know the past year has been something of a rollercoaster and whirlwind combined. Last year I moved in with Master in July. Having packed up a three bedroom house and leaving little behind I brought a lot with me. In August I finished work. We had plans to spend the autumn and winter sorting the house so that my stuff fitted along with Master’s. But our lives were thrown into turmoil in September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was not until February that the treatment was finished and we were able to get into any kind of proper routine.

Our relationship is strong, but we struggled to sort our what our roles and responsibilities to each other were. To understand what we wanted from our M/s, our sex lives and how much we wanted the outside world to inform and define us.

The retreat

It was the knowledge that I’ve been paying the (not insignificant) bills on a property in France I have barely had time to visit that spurred us. Plus neither of us are working (permanently) and caring responsibilities (for me) are limited right now. No one we spoke to seemed to think it would be a problem if we disappeared off for 6 weeks or so.

Plans were made, ferries, hotels and flights were booked and with a very full car we left for France.

Just putting the channel between us and our real lives was enough. We had suitcases of clothes, but packed a smaller bag for a few days at a time. An electric cool box meant we could picnic rather than eat in restaurants during the day. Stops were planned just 150-200km apart so we had time to see the sights, but also downtime. We didn’t always take breakfast. This meant that we could spend longer in bed, not necessarily sleeping.

Getting back to the core of who I am

This trip gave me the chance to get to the core of me as a person, my raison d’être if you will. Also for considering who and what we are. For Master it was about exploring my submission and reclaiming it in a way he hasn’t been able to for some time. We spent a lot of time talking about what my submission and his Dominance mean to us. Exploring our roles, sexually and literally.

The cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and treatment affected us more than we realised at the time. This time away gave us the chance to look back and articulate some of those issues. To get to the core of what breast cancer meant for me, a woman and him my partner. I articulated what he knew, that I struggle with my remaining breast. Worry about my lack of cleavage etc. The tablets I now take to dampen down my hormone levels seem to have affected my ability fo orgasm easily. All of these impact up on Master and the way he manages our sex life.

But also we were able to distance ourselves from the world. Not only family but the messed up politics, social media circus and yes my blog. Having said that, when my data package was used up while we had no wifi on the boat, I bought more. Plus, Master dropped his phone in the canal and was without for a few days. That made him positively on edge. So we have a way to go before we are ready to disappear completely even for a few days.

So, we are back. Recharged and ready to face existing and new challenges. Hopefully happier human beings and closer to each other than ever we were.

The photo below was taken from one of our hotel rooms and gives a flavour of our time in retreat.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

In the cage

This is another Stoxx picture. Under the bed was a cage and of course I climbed inside. I admit that I like the idea of being a caged slave more than the reality. I do prefer the comfort of a soft mattress, but it makes for a good photo.

Me lying chained in a cage under the bed st the Stoxx dungeon.
Sinful Sunday

When life gets in the way

Today’s 30 days of D/s question is about what happens when the trials of life get in the way of a dominant / submissive relationship. Like most couples, we have had our challenges. Stuff has happened that has caused us to put our M/s dynamic onto the back burner a little. The most obvious ones were when my dad was ill and then died and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My dad’s illness and death

My dad died of cancer in September 2014 when Master and I had only been together for 7 months. I regret that they never met each other, because I know they would have got on well. I didn’t introduce them because by the time things were getting serious between Master and I, my dad was already pretty unwell. But it just didn’t seem the right thing to do. This did however provide me with a haven, a place to go when things got difficult.

For the last few weeks I practically lives with my parents. Caring for dad, supporting my mum and family and dealing with practicalities. But this was massively draining, and other than my son, I really had no one to turn to. Master became a great source of support for me as well as a shoulder to cry on. He had lost his dad a few years before, so was able to provide the empathy I needed.

On the face of it our M/s took a back seat as I prioritised family. But, while I was busy making massive decisions and leading my family through the pain, Master was there behind me. Looking back, our dynamic may have been in the background, but it never disappeared. Shortly after the funeral, Master took me away to Amsterdam and there we were able to reaffirm my submission and his dominance.

Breast cancer

The events of last autumn unsurprisingly hit us both very hard. During the run up to my surgery, there were numerous hospital appointments. For a while we took in the information we were given and made decisions together. This was done on an equal footing, with me having the final say about what would happen. As it was, there were no disagreements and we pretty much went along with the advice given by the doctors.

Master provided me with the most amazing support while I underwent surgery and recovered afterwards. We both struggled to come to terms with my new body shape and image. But helped each other cope. He was very firm with me during the following few months, making sure I didn’t do too much, had sufficient rest and got out and about as part of my recovery.

Just as happened when my dad died, our M/s dynamic was placed on the back burner, but never disappeared. Master continued to care for me and protected me. But this time our relationship was more established and of course by then we were living together.

Over all, I think that the big events we have encountered so far have strengthened our relationship. Both in terms of us as a couple, but also our dynamic.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When we are apart

Today’s 30 days of D/s post is about what happens to our dynamic when we are apart from each other. Until last summer there were days (and nights) most weeks when we were apart from each other. As my moving date got closer I found the stress built up. I definitely struggled without Master’s direct control. We Skyped every evening, but after a busy working day I had inevitably had a glass or three of wine by the time we got online. He would have done the same and this led to a certain level of misunderstanding and disengagement. In turn this added to the stress that just wasn’t there when we were together. I found it difficult to feel much like a slave during those times.

But things have changed now. The amount of time we apart has reduced considerably and we have also had time to get used to being together. Like everyone we have had to work hard at the together bit and I feel this has had a good effect on my sense of wellbeing when we are apart.

My mum lives 2 hours away from us and I usually visit her every fortnight and stay over. While with her, I have a different roles, but that doesn’t mean I forget that I am his slave. In fact being away gives me time to reflect on our time together. It allows space for me to consider my actions in the previous period and think about any behaviour changes needed. We don’t tend to speak, save for a few texts while I am away, we save our thoughts for when I return.

This September I am taking mum away to Cyprus for the second time and will be away for a week. During that time, I know she will test my patience and I will need regular contact with Master to keep me on the straight and narrow. But knowing this should help prevent any major problems. Plus I can always wear a butt plug to remind me of who I am and to whom I belong.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Thinking about rules

I’ve written a few times recently about rules. In September for Food for Thought Friday I wrote about the rules of life and a little about my relationship. Then in May, for this series I wrote about how we negotiated our power exchange relationship. But in this post I’ll go into a little more detail about our rules and how they impact our relationship.

Why have rules?

In a relationship such as this, it is important to know how the power exchange dynamic will work and with whom the buck stops. The key thing for me, the slave to remember is that I have agreed to give the power and responsibility for decision making to my Master. This rule is unwritten but understood. That isn’t to say I can’t move without having to ask, far from it. But in all important issues that involve us both I do defer to him.

This takes us to one of the reasons we have such rules. It’s because I need to give up the part of myself that seeks to control everything to him. There, I’ve said it – I need this and he knows it. What is more, he wants to take that control from me so that I am free to serve him and to be his submissive, his slave.

Then why do I fight against it?

It is difficult to change habits of an adult lifetime. It is hard to admit that this is what I need and even more difficult to become dependent upon someone else. I have fought hard through life for my independence, so why would I give it up? Well, I am and I am not. On one hand I am still free to make day to day decisions. But I don’t need to do so alone, nor do I need to have the final say. I can confer and I can ask for help. But it has taken 5 years to get to the realisation that I want it.

But, we are also codependent. He is my Master but also my partner and best friend. We discuss pretty much everything we are going to do that affects me or us both. He mostly discusses things he is thinking of with me, but doesn’t have to. This is a learning process for us both and is something we continue to work on. After all, we came together later in life than many couples.

Contractual rules

We have recently been renegotiating the contract we agreed on in 2014. Much has changed since then, including that our relationship is more committed and that we live together. They can be found below.

  1. “This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master Diogenes
  2. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her holes to her Master for His use and pleasure
  3. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her orgasms to her Master whenever He requires
  4. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  
  5. “This girl” will modify her body to please Her Master, including tattoos, piercings, hairstyle and shaping of her pubic hair as He requires
  6. “This girl” freely and willingly accepts that she is her Master’s registered slave under the number 798-167-302
  7. “This girl” wants and needs to serve her Master as His Pleasing Bitch
  8. “This girl” will try to please her Master in everything she does
  9. “This girl” accepts that her Master Diogenes is her Lord
  10. “This girl” will wear a buttplug twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays in order to make her arse-cunt more pleasing for her Master

Many of the specific rules we had in place previously are now encompassed within number 8. I know what they are and tend to do them without thinking. But number 10 is one that i often forget to do and in fact need to attend to right now. Since today is Tuesday.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Thoughts on pain

I struggle, even after all this time to understand my body’s reaction to pain. After all pain is meant to be a stimulus that warns us that things are not right, that we should take flight. But the right kind of pain delivered in a certain way isn’t at all like that.

Until I met S, I had never participated in play where pain led to sexual arousal. But when he told me that flogging my backside with a leather implement made my cunt ooze I felt excited. And so began a wonderful journey to pain and arousal.

Pain isn’t a huge element in the relationship Master and enjoy. But it is an important one. Pain is something reserved for play. The intimacy we exerience when I am leant over a bench, legs spread is unique. For him, the time he spends feeling between my legs for my reaction is as important as the impact of the lashes inflicted upon my cheeks.

I glow red for minues or perhaps an hour. But the effect on my cunt can last for days. I am a pain slut, but you won’t see the evidence visually. Instead the signs are subtle. Pain brings out my submissive nature, it helps me feel and see who I am. It shows him the impact (in many ways) of his actions and reminds me of what I am.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Reflected

I am restrained on a swing. ankles and wrists secured by cuffs to chains attached to the ceiling. My image is reflected by the mirror above.

The play area at Stoxx wasn’t short of mirrors. So there was no shortage of ways for our image to be reflected. This is me, restrained and suspended in the swing. Reflected for Master to enjoy.

Sinful Sunday

Safeword

You often read of slaves that have no limits and no safeword, but in essence I have both. As I wrote last time, Master takes care of my limits (though these were negotiated). I do have a safeword, but have never used it.

Green

In both of my BDSM relationships we have used the traffic light system. Green when everything is good. During a scene it is important for the dominant partner to check in regularly that all is well. There might be occasions when the sub can’t speak (if gagged or in subspace) and so is unable to say the word. So non-verbal communication is vital. I’ve found it is perfectly easy to communicate green (or another colour to Master even if gagged, by nodding, eye contact or some kind of hand signal.

Amber

Amber often denotes some kind of limit is being reached. Perhaps the pain is becoming intense or restraint uncomfortable. Sometimes an adustment is needed but other times it is time to push the limit a little. Again, eye contact, verbal and non verbal communication helps identify when it is ok to continue and when things should stop. I called yellow recently (though didn’t actually say the word yellow) when tied to a St Andrew’s cross.

My right arm doesn’t have the same range of movement it did before my mastectomy. I wanted to try it but found that after a few minutes I had to ask to be untied. Because we know each other well and Master was attentive we reached my limit and he untied me. This has just made me want to get that arm more supple so it is ok to be tied in that way in the future.

Red

Red is my safeword. I have never actually used it as I have never felt the need. However, I would and being Master’s slave wouldn’t stop me. It is testament to him that we have never needed to move past amber or me asking for a break. He is respectful of my needs and always keeps a close eye on how I am doing.

Perhaps I don’t really need a safe word? But if I ever felt I did it is there.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

My Limits

When I came into this relationship I did so with few preconceived ideas. Though I’d been in another D/s type relationship there was little I’d come across that I didn’t particularly like. The key for me is discussion and negotiation (as per my last post). I may be lucky, but most of the things that would be a complete no for me are the same for Master. So in the main I have been prepared to try most things once.

Hard limits

These would be the things I (or we) wouldn’t be prepared to entertain in our relationship. For me these would include anything involving a nappy (diaper), scat (poo) and serious breath play (such as having my head in a plastic bag or something). There may be others but I haven’t come across them or been asked to consent to them.

But my actual hard limit might surprise some people. I refuse to dress up as a nurse.

I might not work as a nurse now and the last time I wore a uniform for work is more than 20 years ago. But I am a nurse and I will not wear some sexy nurse outfit for anyone. I have dressed as a maid and in a short Christmas dress. I’d dress up in most outfits for fancy dress or a thrill. But a nurse? No. Neither of my Doms have found this a deal breaker.

Soft limits and CNC

Our relationship is built on one of Total Power Exchange and Consent Non-consent. That means that I have signed my soft limits over to Master. He controls them and where necessary pushes them.

An example of something that I would rather not do but isn’t a hard limit is water sports. This is play that involves peeing on him or the ground, or else being peed on. I’ve not been asked to swallow it and am not sure it is something I’d want to do. But actually urine is pretty harmless if it is on your body, though I do prefer to be able to clean up soon after. Over time I have almost come to like the feel of peeing in front of him or over him and really don’t mind him doing it to me.

So, our contract, which I wrote about last time has statements such as:

“This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master

and

“This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  

If there really is something I’m not sure about then we will talk about it. But it would need to be pretty far out for me to refuse without trying. That might have something to do with experience so far, or age or the fact I trust Master explicitly and implicitly. Or a combination of all of the above.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s