The things we do fo love

Like walking in the rain and the snow
When there’s nowhere to go
And you’re feelin’ like a part of you is dying
And you’re looking for the answer in her eyes
You think you’re gonna break up
Then she says she wants to make up

The things we do for love…….

10cc

The lyrics above are what I first thought of when I saw the F4T prompt. I bought the album about the time I first went out with my future husband. I was young and impressionable and did quite a lot for love. The song is about communication and compromise. I’d have done well to read and digest the lyrics, but I was only 15 at the time. I was more interested in singing along and listening to the other tracks on the album (Live and let Live).

The things I’ve done for love in the past
  • Stayed after infidelity for the love of my child (I’ve written about this a lot)
  • Got myself into debt for the love of a man and child, as well as a desire for material goods – Funnily enough it was in my name and not his. But I also got us out of it, so yay for me.
  • Been on holiday with family to places I didn’t choose – Tunisia when I wanted to go to Rhodes springs immediately to mind.
  • Spent numerous family days at my parents when I’d rather have been at home. Especially at Christmas. I am doing it again this year to prevent my mum being alone. A lot of the things I do for my mum are for love because she is quite a difficult person to like.
  • Cared for my dad when he was dying. Trouble was quite a lot of the nursing staff left me to it. After all I am a nurse. My brothers were also a bit frightened and I cared for them and my mum too. I wouldn’t change this for the world however.
  • Tried to smooth things between my ex and my son. But I now recognise it’s time to leave them to it.
The things I do for love now

Over the past few years I have done more things for the love of myself than others. This wasn’t always the case. But also I am fortunate to have the love of a man who cares for me in a way I never thought possible. This love started without the expectations of the one with my ex. We were much much older and got together knowing that we both had an interest in sex, kink, Dominance and submission. What emerged was much much more.

With Master I have learned to be the slave he wanted and I have agreed to things I doubt I would with anyone else. One of the main things that fall in that category links back to the GOTN post mentioned on the prompt page – Piss play. It’s his kink and not really mine, but I will let him piss on me and am happy to p on him. I pretty much would do anything he asks when it comes to kink.

That’s why I offered up my limits when I agreed to become his slave. I trust Master to make those decisions for me. I do know that I can say no but will rarely do so. But partly that is because he will usually discuss things with me before he tries something new.

However, our life isn’t just about kink, far from it. I’ve grown to like quite a lot of classical music because of his interest. I go to plays and events I would never have even known about and have visited places on the basis he had been there and liked them. Some of it I wouldn’t do on my own, but am happy to be there with him. Other things I find I enjoy and would be there even if he wasn’t.

But the best thing really is that we get to be together, explore new things, go to new places and learn from our mistakes. One of the best things is that the things I do for love now are also things he does for love too. That includes visiting my mum at Christmas when he would rather be at home.

F4Thought

Resetting our relationship dynamic

All relationships change over time. After the first flush of excitement of a new relationship we settle into a routine. But over time, physical and/ or emotional needs will alter and this can lead to problems. One aspect of a power exchange relationship that is usually different from vanilla, is communication. For us, listening and watching for signs that things aren’t right has been fundamental.

The start

It’s nearly 6 years since Master and I got together. Those initial months were spent getting to know each other and working out the rules of our relationship. By that I don’t just mean those set our within our dynamic. But also the unwritten, unsaid stuff that makes you a couple. We didn’t live together, but gradually we began to spend most weekends together. Then to go out in the week if something came up.

Master bought me items of fetish clothing or new toys and introduced them for play and sex, and gradually there were changes to our dynamic. Going out without panties or a bra. Wearing sexier clothing or dressing up for him, was all new at the time.

The first reset came when Master decided to end his relationship with his primary slave. Before that we had assumed that our relationship would only survive in that form until his slave joined him from America. When we knew that wouldn’t happen, we settled into forming a more lasting connection.

A collar and commitment

Master collared me once we were both sure that we wanted to commit to each other. Also that we were free to do so, our previous relationships firmly in the past. Wearing his collar affirmed my status, to us but also to others. Other signs, such as my piercings came earlier, but it was the collar that signified his ownership. My slavery.

We have always led a busy social life, travelled and of course I was working. Reminding ourselves of the need to reset, to remember that we were Master and slave was necessary. Rules tended to slip. The submission that I had felt so keenly at the beginning often felt out of reach. Taking the time to talk about what we wanted and needed was important. But also finding time and energy for play was equally important.

That’s how we came to attend local Munches regularly and eventually get to a kink club for play. They provide a timely reminder of that aspect of our life.

Living together

We both assumed that when I moved in, we would at last get the opportunity to be the Master / slave that we had always imagined. To some extent that has been true. However we failed to factor in the changes that would occur due to my breast cancer.

In some ways being his slave allowed me to rely on Master in a way I might previously found intolerable. He wanted to care for me, but not smother me. Of course, that might be his personality. But equally the depth of communication between us helped at appointments and afterwards.

Looking back I see that the romantic idea of me being the sex and house slave of fiction was just that. Actually our relationship has rarely been about bondage, pain and nakedness, but instead control and ownership. It is he who makes the final decisions, and it is me who needs to be sure I am conducting myself in the way he prefers. I am now a kept woman and he has some financial control over me, though I do still have some money and spend it as I wish. But I don’t make large purchases without discussion. There are no secrets in this relationship, this is not a rule but it feels that having them would be wrong. A fundamental breach of what our relationship is about.

Our sex life is kinky, as it always was. Now though we have more time for sex. Our preference is in the morning, and we are in a fortunate position that we can indulge that. To outsiders we seem as we always have. We are a couple, partners. Adjustments from now will hopefully be small. But no doubt we will reset as we move on. I think that healthy relationships need that to continue.

tellmeabout

What do you see?

We love to observe the people around us and wonder about their lives. We often question whether those people even see us. The focus often seems to be each other or their phone. Indeed I wonder whether some people are aware of their surroundings at all. I like to watch people, I like that Master likes to watch me and I’m increasingly happy for people to see me at my most vulnerable.

Watch and see

There is nothing better than sitting outside a cafe, pub or restaurant and watching people walk past, sit down with friends or lovers. We often notice that one person monopolises the conversation, or we see friends that don’t interact unless they have something from their phone to see. We look at body language, are they lovers, is this the end of a relationship or are they on a first date. It is fascinating. But you know, I don’t think it is something everyone does. Indeed my own son told me off for discussing other diners with Master. “It isn’t kind” he said. Funny thing is I don’t believe we were being unkind, just seeing and observing.

Being observed

Sometimes, when I am dressing in the morning I will see Master looking at me. I’ll ask him what he is doing and he will say that he is looking at me. That he loves to look at me. That he enjoys my body. There was a time when I would have been embarrassed by this. Why does he want to look at me – an overweight, middle aged woman. But I am his lover, his slave and he loves me and my body. They body that he owns and possesses.

I think he sees a different me to the one I do when I look in the mirror. It is only when I look at photos like the one I posted for Sinful Sunday this week, that I realise. That I am able to see a little of what others do. That I am proud and happy. He is responsible, in no small part to the confidence I feel. And that is a great

Letting people see me

All of me. I wrote recently about our return to CMnf. I know people do look at each other there. Because people spoke to me about my body. I know that they like to watch the public play and that from that they may learn from each other. Or else it gives them the confidence to play in public too.

The first time I was very nervous. But now, I find I can shut out the people and things around me and settle into the moment. I am not worried I am being watched, in fact I really love it.

Kink clubs usually (for very good reasons), have a no phone rule. People are there to see and be seen. To meet up and chat. To play and to perform. That people are naked or dressed in fetish gear is part of the fun of those events. Their clothes, nakedness and demeanour is saying – look at me. Of course, we love to people watch there too. To wonder about them and their lives. Occasionally too we get to know others and find out the reality. And that’s what happened to us last time.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Female Chastity – Physical or Emotional

Over the past year or so my Kink of the Week post on female chastity has been one of the most frequently read on my blog. I admit to being fascinated by the concept of physical chastity devices. Though I have never worn one, I find the idea extremely erotic. That I, a submissive woman might be locked into a metal and leather device by my Master. Prevented from touching myself makes me wet. I imagine him leaving me at home, locked in while he leaves town. The idea of being unable to touch myself, masturbate, is almost enough to make me cum. However this is all part of my imagination. Because the truth is I am not wearing a device, he is here and I actually don’t touch myself without his permission anyway,

For me, wearing a chastity device is a fantasy, though I would love to try. My Master doesn’t tend to deny me orgasms, he is more likely to force them out of me. But denial is part of that fantasy. For this post I want to explore whether to be denied orgasms actually requires a device. Or whether the control of a Master is enough to stop a slave touching herself (unless instructed), masturbating or even orgasming. Indeed, are there slaves out there who have been deprived of an orgasm for more than a year. Yet wear no physical device. The answer to that one is: Yes there are.

Physical Chastity Devises

You can find pictures of the various devises available here on Pinterest. This article on Kink Closet provides all the information you need to help you choose the right device. That includes it’s purpose, how to measure yourself as well as advice on cleaning.

I especially like this particular model. It’s not something you’d want to be locked into for long periods, but the idea is pretty erotic. So much so that I’m going to write some erotica based on it. I’ll link back when it’s done.

There is plenty of female chastity erotica here on Literotica, which might be worth a look meantime.

My other fantasy for physical chastity is through the use of labial piercings. I wrote a piece of flash fiction about having my labia locked together. It’s certainly something I’d love to explore more. Of course, this is a more permanent type of solution, in that the labia are pierced and then joined by rings or bars.

Emotional Chastity

I hadn’t previously thought about orgasm control and denial as a form of chastity, but of course it is. We practice control, but not denial. This means that my orgasms belong to Master and he grants me permission to come. When I do, I thank him. Since we have been together I have rarely masturbated on my own and not at all in the time we have lived together. He loves to see and feel me orgasm, especially when his cock is deep inside me. On occasion we use a vibrator to make this happen. But whether or how I come depends on him. He is in charge and decides.

Other couples in power exchange relationships take orgasm denial to a different level. Littlegem writes in this post about how her husband and Dominant Purple Sole uses short periods of orgasm control and denial as a form of behavioural control. She also discusses how this increases her need to express her submission to him.

This is done without using a physical device or piercings. But through emotional control. I could go upstairs now and masturbate, but don’t because I know I mustn’t and because if I did I would have to tell Master what I had done. However the very thought that I have agreed to this rule reinforces my submission and also makes me want an orgasm more.

Blossom is a slave in a long distance M/s relationship she wrote on 15th October that she had been in orgasm denial for 650 days.

“never thought this would happen to this girl but it is happening and have to say am still enjoying every moment of it….of course one has her good and bad days….but all in all it has been good….hot, delicious moments….painful moments where one rubbed her clit so often that it hurt to touch”.

Physical vs Emotional

Physical female chastity is something of my imagination, desire and fantasy. But unlikely to become a reality for me. It looks like something to wear during play, or for a specific scene. But I know from the sheer amount of information available that this is a big kink for many people. It is also something that I find fascinating and will probably continue to read and write about.

Emotional chastity or control is a reality in my life and those of fellow bloggers. It isn’t something you need equipment for. But you will need a willing submissive or slave and time to develop a power exchange relationship.

Masturbation Monday

A secret life

I guess I have always kept some part of myself hidden and so have had secrets. Of course once I started this journey as a submissive with men who were not my husband so the secrets became bigger. But even though my life with Master is there for all to see, there are still secrets.

The Food 4 Thought prompt this week is about secrets and the Wicked Wednesday one is about doing things out of character. I’m going to combine the two as I think that if some people knew the reality of aspects of my life they would think it out of character.

How we met

Master and I met on Alt.com. Back then it was easier to chat, though you tended to get hit on, a lot. I found a great chat room though and spent time there getting to know a few regulars. We played out scenes online which was thrilling and new to me. But we also chatted, in open and also privately. I’m pretty sure that my friends and family would consider this out of character. So when I am asked where we met, I say: online But if asked which site I try to be vague. I keep this secret, because I don’t think people would understand. Of course it is none of their business. We met, we started a relationship and now we live together.

Our lifestyle choices

It’s unlikely, though not impossible that we could bump into people we know at a munch or event. No one in my family, ex work colleagues or friends know that we pursue an alternative lifestyle. I would imagine that if I told my son or brother, say, that I am a slave they would laugh. After all I am known for my forthright views, for being vocal and being a bit of a control freak. We know that this doesn’t preclude me from giving up control to another. But frankly I am happy not to go there with them. I would also prefer them not to know I like to be spanked, that I sometimes dress up in leather clothes. Nor that I like to be restrained and that our sex is kinkier than most. These are secrets I keep from those I know.

My blog

It may come as no surprise to people that I have a blog. But I’m pretty sure no one would expect it to be about my lifestyle and contain photos of us naked. There was a time when I was frightened of my blog being discovered for fear of being outed. Especially in terms of my job. I remain careful about completely revealing my identity because I don’t want my family finding out.

At the beginning the blog was also a secret from my husband. I found it a useful place to write about our relationship so didn’t want him reading it. One day he discovered it, but is so inept at internet stuff that he wasn’t able to find it again. This I am happy about.

Is my lifestyle and blog really out of character

At one time it definitely was, but not any more. After all I have been living some kind of submissive life for over 7 years. I have been Master’s slave for over 5. But these are secrets that I keep from others because I don’t want them to become public knowledge. I don’t believe people would understand and since they affect us and not them I prefer to keep quiet.

The lies I tell are, generally small ones. Evasiveness about the events we go to and what we do there. But it would be great to be more open to say we went to a Munch rather than the pub with friends. That we attended Eroticon and met lots of like minded kinky folk who happen to write blogs and books. But sometimes the secret is better kept.

F4Thought
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Feeling safe

This week’s Food for Thought prompt is Safewords or Words that make you feel safe. I wrote recently about safewords so am not going there again with this post. So, what words make me feel safe? Early in our relationship I wrote about the words we use within our relationship and what they mean to me, including how they make me feel safe. 5 years on it seems like time for an update.

During sex Master often provides a running commentary of what he is doing, what he wants to do and how it is making him feel. He also asks me questions designed to reaffirm to him that I am his slut, his slave, his bitch. The words he uses during those moments are part of the rituals of our sex life. They also make me feel very safe indeed.

This girl

Since the beginning of our relationship He has referred to me as girl, or more often ‘this girl’. The use of the third person, focuses me onto him and his needs rather than mine. Over time, it has become something of a pet name. It demonstrates to me that Master’s mind set is focused on our M/s dynamic and reminds me of who and what I am. His slave.

Pleasing bitch

The reference to my being his pleasing bitch often follows. There are times when I wonder about the title of my blog. But those words remind me once again about what my purpose is. To provide pleasure to him. During sex he will often refer to me as his pleasure bitch, which is what I am.

Lord and Master

I admit to being something of an unruly slave (his words) and not always massively respectful. But there are times when the need and desire to call Master my Master or Lord are very strong. During sex, when I am restrained and blindfolded during play, for example. You see this is a two way road. It isn’t just about who and what I am to him but who and what he is to me.

Of course he is also my love and when he tells me that he loves me. That he has never loved anyone like he loves me then I know this isn’t just about sex and BDSM. This man is my partner for life. And that makes me feel very safe indeed. I know that I love him too, more than words can express.

F4Thought

Fear

The Erotic Journal Challenge for October is Fear. I love that Brigit has gone for a month long theme and hope it is something she will continue. I love to join in with memes but struggle with my originality and often feel I am repeating myself. For this one though I may well post a couple (or more) essays on my thoughts about my fears. Brigit has helpfully posed a few questions and this is the first one:

What are your sexual fears / insecurities?

Body image

I guess most of my sexual fears relate to my body and insecurities about it. I currently weight the most I have pretty much ever. I want to lose weight and am trying. But so far this year I have failed spectacularly in doing so. This massively affects my self image and I struggle to see why I might be attractive to another person. I also know that I am less fit than I could be so not very agile.

Finally of course there is the small matter of only having one tit. This is most evident (unsurprisingly) when I am naked. A by product of having had cancer are the hormone inhibiting tablets I take, which have side effects of weight gain and joint pain. The latter for me is more of a stiffness, which makes getting up from the floor for example a challenge.

Performance

We have had our fair share of sexual performance issues over the years. I am always fearful that another is around the corner. I am not so young and agile, I am overweight and taking hormone inhibiters. What if my vaginal juices dry up, what if I can’t get into a particular position, what if I can’t orgasm? From time to time all of the above have happened, though each has been a passing phase. There was also a period of time when my body seemed to go into spasm when he pushed his cock into me, causing pain. This lasted a little longer, but also passed. However I am always worried the problem will return.

I worry that Master will no longer fancy me, that my body will not satisfy his needs. Or that I will begin to push him away as I did my husband. So far this has only happened if I am tired or emotional, but the fear is always there. What’s more, he says he fancies me more than ever, that he wants and needs me.

Getting over our fears

I haven’t arrived at the age of 57 without learning to be realistic. That my body, that both of our bodies are ageing. We have learned to pace ourselves and know when sex is best for us. He is also good at listening to my troubles and woes and mostly dealing with them effectively. Unsurprisingly he is usually right. There is really no reason to believe we will go off of each other. More likely we are going to grow old disgracefully together. But that doesn’t completely stop the fears from emerging nor does it prevent me from getting carried away with my negative thoughts.

But I will plough on with trying to improve my image of myself – try to lose some weight, try to get fitter. These will be especially important as I prepare for my reconstruction surgery. Then hopefully I can look in the mirror and like myself just that little bit more and feel like the sexually attractive woman he says I am. Then maybe those fears will go.

Finding my kink

Me wearing a fluffy tail

When I started exploring my kinky side I thought I didn’t know I was even interested in kink. But thinking back, the signs were there, even as far back as my early 20’s. At that time (I think I mentioned before), I wrote stories in longhand that often included threesomes and other kinky stuff. But somewhere amidst the monotony of a vanilla marriage and motherhood I forgot. So it wasn’t until the age of digital books and the internet that my kink side began to find the light of day again. By then I had the time to investigate and a husband who tended to fall asleep of an evening!

What is kink anyway?

According to Wikipedia kinkiness is defined as “the use of non conventional sexual practice“. the kink part being about a bend (or kink) rather than straight (or vanilla). The thing is of course, who decides what is straight and what is kinky? Who decides that kink is bad and straight is good? There are laws of indecency of course and attempts to make stuff that happens in private the business of others.

Earlier this year we expected the age verification legislation to come into effect here in the UK. I am all for preventing children accessing porn, but there was a feeling this was aimed at the kink community. Including those that photographed it and wrote about it. So far this hasn’t come into place, and anyway actually having sex, kinky or vanilla has nothing to do with porn. Though to be fair the internet is where many of us have found out about kink.

My early experiences of kink

I’d had very little actual sex let alone indulged in kink as I approached 50. My husband was interested, but mainly in watching others (on a screen). I often pretended to be shocked by some of the TV and videos he watched. But I was actually very interested indeed. I just couldn’t see me doing those things with him. Sadly I didn’t heed the warning signs that we obviously weren’t compatible. That came much later.

Exploring sex and kink at 50

As I mentioned above, I began reading sex and erotica when I got my first kindle. But in April 2012 I began chatting with a man online who was into Dominance and submission. This led me to read not only books but blogs and to join website forums. Very quickly I learned about BDSM and found myself intrigued. But also I found I wanted to try what I was reading about. The idea of me as a submissive woman excited me, as did the thought of restraint and kinky sex.

My initiation was rapid and not without risks. But from the first meeting with S I knew it was for me. I realised that I’d kept myself in check for many years.

Not long before meeting S, I had explored my own body and the ways I could make it aroused. I had found out as much as I could about masturbation and bought toys for myself. I discovered my orgasms were much more powerful with a clitoral vibrator. But while enjoyable it wasn’t entirely satisfying.

Before long though I was definitely having kinky sex, not to mention getting involved in other aspects of BDSM. While not everything that happened with S was good, he helped me realise what I wanted from life. This made meeting and becoming Master’s submissive then slave all the easier.

Our kinky life now

There is very little about our sex life that could be described as straight or vanilla. Save that we often have sex in the missionary position. But there are always overtones of M/s. We don’t play as often as we did at the beginning, but we have a room full of equipment and we do use it. We go to Munches and clubs and we have stayed in dungeons. Then there is the fact that we take photos of each other in a state of undress or practicing our art (see photo above). We live full time as a Master / slave couple and that in itself is far from straight.

For me this is the life I craved, yet didn’t know it. I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t want sex with my husband. But it turns out that we just weren’t right together. Now I have found the right man I am proud to say that I am kinky and proud of it.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Return to CMnf

I was anxious, almost as scared as the first time. Would people stare at my scar, my lack to a right breast? Would I be able to walk with confidence from the locker room, through the bar and into the play area?
The answer is yes. I did feel self conscious as I removed my clothes, particularly bra. But if others in the locker room noticed anything they didn’t show it. Joining Master at the seats in the open play area he smiled appreciatively. He helped me put on the body chain we had brought with us for the occasion and I sank gratefully onto the sofa and took a sip of prosecco. It was cool and refreshing; I let the bubbles evaporate on my tongue.

The printed agenda for the afternoon informed us that temporary tattoos were available, and since I don’t yet have anything permanent, I went off in search of one. I was pleasantly surprised to find that these were being applied by the team member who has also had a mastectomy.
Months ago, she wrote on Fetlife about attending her first post mastectomy CMnf. I had reached out to her, making contact even though I knew I wouldn’t be attending that one. We had exchanged words of encouragement, so it was good to have this opportunity to speak. She applied my chosen tattoo just above my scar as requested. As we chatted briefly about our shared experience, I knew coming today had been the right thing to do.

Playtime

We sat on our own for a while and watched as people arrived and the new ones were shown round. There were a few familiar faces, but sadly no one we actually knew. However we were soon joined by a threesome. Two ladies, obviously partners and their clothed Dom. We exchanged pleasantries and then decided to get our playtime in early. Very few people had begun to play yet, so most of the equipment was free, meaning we had maximum choice.
We haven’t played much recently, partly because we didn’t take any toys on holiday (the car was too packed with other stuff for one thing). But it was good to be bent over a bench again, wearing the blindfold Master so thoughtfully gave me. While he sorted out his implements of torture I relaxed into my role and let the sounds of music wash over me. Classical tracks that were easy to escape into, starting with some Bach (so I was told).

Gentle, leather strokes on my back and bottom were followed by the familiar sting of the flogger. Next something altogether firmer and sharper, something bristly then down right painful. I protested and for my trouble was rewarded with clamps being applied to my labia! Apparently, complaining about this was being bratty, but anyway once they were in place they were less panful than another source of arousal.
More impact followed, some more painful than others. But even though I moaned and said no, the idea of asking for him to stop never crossed my mind. I settled into the pain and pleasure, allowed the music and even people’s voices to fill my subconscious. This was truly our best play session in a long time. I felt relaxed and at home. I wasn’t tired or stressed and for once I just let it happen.

Afterwards we returned to our sofa and I spent some time recovering, eating chocolate and drinking prosecco and water for hydration purposed. Our session, which our sofa neighbours had been watching with interest, broke the ice and led to much conversation. The afternoon then passed in a relaxed companionable way with our new found friends (there has been further contact through Fetlife and email), We will hopefully see them again in the future).

Another high point was when I was stopped on my way to the toilet by the club owner’s partner. She and her friend congratulated me on being there and being willing to show my body. She told me I looked great. I have to admit I felt it.
I know I wouldn’t take my top off on a beach right now. It wouldn’t feel right. But Taking my clothes off at CMnf felt good. It took courage, but that was rewarded many times over. The kink community can be truly wonderful, or so it felt last weekend.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Getting back to the core of who I am

During normal, every day life it is easy to lose sight of what is really important. To imagine the small irritations of decision making, the routine of work and household activities are everything. It is easy to lose sight of your core, what makes you tick. The things that brought you together. Sometimes it takes a complete change in those routines to help you focus on what is really important.

Two of this week’s meme prompts lend themselves well to this topic – The Wicked Wednesday prompt is Core and Erotic Journal Challenge one is Retreat. The past few weeks for us have been in the form of a retreat. We left home on 8th July and only returned on 24th August. During that time we have travelled the length of France, from Calais in the north to a small seaside village in Aude in the south. Along the way we visited several towns, taking time to enjoy the culture and explore the countryside. After a couple of weeks chilling out we moved onto a boat and spent a week travelling at almost walking pace. After a long weekend celebrating my mum’s 80th birthday in England we returned to France. A week later we began the return journey through northern Spain before returning home.

During much of that time our engagement with others was limited. For days on end we heard no English voices. We had no need to be anywhere dictated by anyone else. We took time to be together and to explore our relationship in a way that hasn’t been possible before.

The craziness

As regular readers will know the past year has been something of a rollercoaster and whirlwind combined. Last year I moved in with Master in July. Having packed up a three bedroom house and leaving little behind I brought a lot with me. In August I finished work. We had plans to spend the autumn and winter sorting the house so that my stuff fitted along with Master’s. But our lives were thrown into turmoil in September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was not until February that the treatment was finished and we were able to get into any kind of proper routine.

Our relationship is strong, but we struggled to sort our what our roles and responsibilities to each other were. To understand what we wanted from our M/s, our sex lives and how much we wanted the outside world to inform and define us.

The retreat

It was the knowledge that I’ve been paying the (not insignificant) bills on a property in France I have barely had time to visit that spurred us. Plus neither of us are working (permanently) and caring responsibilities (for me) are limited right now. No one we spoke to seemed to think it would be a problem if we disappeared off for 6 weeks or so.

Plans were made, ferries, hotels and flights were booked and with a very full car we left for France.

Just putting the channel between us and our real lives was enough. We had suitcases of clothes, but packed a smaller bag for a few days at a time. An electric cool box meant we could picnic rather than eat in restaurants during the day. Stops were planned just 150-200km apart so we had time to see the sights, but also downtime. We didn’t always take breakfast. This meant that we could spend longer in bed, not necessarily sleeping.

Getting back to the core of who I am

This trip gave me the chance to get to the core of me as a person, my raison d’être if you will. Also for considering who and what we are. For Master it was about exploring my submission and reclaiming it in a way he hasn’t been able to for some time. We spent a lot of time talking about what my submission and his Dominance mean to us. Exploring our roles, sexually and literally.

The cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and treatment affected us more than we realised at the time. This time away gave us the chance to look back and articulate some of those issues. To get to the core of what breast cancer meant for me, a woman and him my partner. I articulated what he knew, that I struggle with my remaining breast. Worry about my lack of cleavage etc. The tablets I now take to dampen down my hormone levels seem to have affected my ability fo orgasm easily. All of these impact up on Master and the way he manages our sex life.

But also we were able to distance ourselves from the world. Not only family but the messed up politics, social media circus and yes my blog. Having said that, when my data package was used up while we had no wifi on the boat, I bought more. Plus, Master dropped his phone in the canal and was without for a few days. That made him positively on edge. So we have a way to go before we are ready to disappear completely even for a few days.

So, we are back. Recharged and ready to face existing and new challenges. Hopefully happier human beings and closer to each other than ever we were.

The photo below was taken from one of our hotel rooms and gives a flavour of our time in retreat.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked