How much control does the submissive have?

Many people say that it is the submissive that has all the power and control in a D/s relationship. After all, the decision to enter the relationship and to agree to comply to certain rules is made by the submissive. Or is it? I can only speak from my own limited experience and these are my own thoughts on the subject.

Beginning a D/s relationship

At the beginning of any relationship both parties are feeling their way. Testing each other out and building trust. A power exchange relationship is no different. A big part of getting to know each other takes place through a discussion of experiences and limits, as well as actually testing these out. At this stage, the power balance should really be pretty even.

Of course, it depends what you are looking for. I know that when I met Master I was definitely looking for a D/s relationship where I could give up control. But even I was surprised by the speed at which I was prepared to do so. I was in control of those decisions and we discussed what was involved. Probably control of orgasms was one of the first and that has remained the case. He owns them, but of course I do have the ability to regain control, since the orgasms emanate from my body. But more of that later.

Over a period of some months I relinquished more and more control over my every day actions as well as what happened in the play or bed room. I’ve noticed in books about power exchange, submissives are often expected to sign a detailed contract very early on. This is usually something drawn up by the dominant, commented on by the submissive and then signed by both parties.

Real life, for me anyway isn’t like that.

A contract

The decision for us to have something written down was something we made together. It also coincided with the first visible sign that Master had become my owner. The items contained in the contract were all things that had already been discussed and put in place. I suggested one or two changes plus an additional rule. Part of the contract specified what he should be doing for me, which seems only right.

Of course this has no basis in law or anything else. It’s just an agreement between two consenting adults. As I’ve mentioned punishment isn’t a big thing for us, mind you I’m not the biggest rule breaker in the world either. So it’s all pretty much down to trust and compliance and I’m pretty compliant to be honest.

But if he decided to punish me, then I think I’ve probably agreed to that too.

Over time, we’ve moved away from the contract, though it exists and has been expanded. The biggest change was when I told him I’d like to give up my limits.

Limits

The biggest thing I’ve done to signify giving away control of my limits. There have never been very many limits anyway quite a few have been gently (or not so gently) pushed over the years. My only real hard limit (apart from the usual illegal, age play and scat related ones) is medical and nursing stuff. I won’t do anything that demeans my profession, including dressing up as a nurse for sex.

There’s really little else I’d object to and trust in this relationship is absolute, so I have no problem with Master saying he wants try something and going ahead with it without asking me first. Though to be fair to him, that rarely happens.

Who has the power and the control?

The answer to that is that both of us do. The dynamic of our relationship means that his dominance is both a written and unwritten. In most things I am happy to defer and where I’m not we discuss things. Ultimately he makes many of the decisions, thought not financial or family ones. If I decided this wasn’t the kind of relationship either of us wanted any more, I’m not sure that would be the end for us. Because we now have a history behind us and our relationship is built on more than the dynamic. But anyway I see no reason that I would want to end the power exchange element. It has made me feel free and happy and I know just how complete it makes him feel.

This post is linked to No True Way, please click below to see who else is joining in this week.

Lust

Master is down on his girl. You can see part of his head and ear, but his face is buried in my body.

That most delicious of feelings. When you encounter (see, hear, meet) someone who absolutely turns you on. When your carnal desire for them means that you just can’t wait to kiss them, touch them and have sex with them.

During the period just before my menopause I was pretty much aroused all the time. It was like a tap that had been ceased up for years suddenly opened. I’ve written so much about the time before this happened and even more about events while it was. That’s why there are so many posts on this blog going back over 8 years.

Meeting men for lustful encounters

The very fact that I thought it was ok to go meet a man I’d never met before in a hotel shows quite how lust filled I was back in 2012. I threw every caution to the wind because his words, spoken and written had made me desire him so much. During the period of about a year I lusted after him and the things we did together so much that I mistakenly thought it was love. I only realised that wasn’t the case when he dumped me and I only needed to cry for a day or two. By the time he dumped me for the second time I walked away with relief. Somewhere in between the lust subsided, but I still enjoyed the fun times we had together.

It all happened again shortly after, when in February 2014 I met Master. This time the chat took place over a briefer period, days rather than weeks. Plus a safer meeting place was chosen. But we both considered going back to his place because we fancied the pants off each other. Instead we waited till the next day and again I threw caution to the wind. Gut instinct told me both times that this would be the right thing to do, but of course it is a dangerous game.

Keeping the lust going long term

This time it isn’t just lust. It is real and proper love. I care for him and want to please him. I know he would do anything for me and he has. There’s nothing like difficult and dark times like breast cancer treatment to tell you exactly how much you are loved. The lust isn’t there every day. But it is still around.

His libido is higher than mine and his lust for me is more evident than the other way round most of the time. Often I need Master to initiate things, though I know I should be more proactive. But once I see the lust in his eyes, it certainly does something for me.

This year hasn’t been the best for lust and love for most people, I think. We’ve spent much of the year at home, rather than exploring new places. Many of our most lustful times happen when we are away from home. Meantime we just have to take advantage of the moments when they present themselves. Long may it last.

This post is linked to the Erotic Journal Challenge and The Blog days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

M/s: Reality or Fantasy?

A modified of me standing with my hands behind my neck. You can see my breasts through the black halter neck dress and I am wearing my collar.

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

~ Dr. Seuss

My post about following orders got me thinking. Is my life as slave to Master a reality or a fantasy that we both buy into? Actually I’ve been thinking about this for a while, ever since I saw a thread on twitter suggesting the latter. In essence that a power exchange is a game and that people can take themselves and it too seriously. To an extent that might be true, but then that could be said about a lot of elements of life.

Is life like a game anyway?

Throughout my working career I felt like an actor in my own play. Each job was its own scene. The person I was at work wasn’t the same as the person at home. As a nurse I had responsibilities thrown at me from a very young age. The only way to get through the stresses of people being sick and dying was to act like a competent provider of care. Of course I became one after a while and so acted the competent manager etc.

Same really with parenthood. It’s not like you get a how to parent manual as you leave hospital with your baby. You muddle through, accepting help and advice or ignoring it depending on what and who gave it out. But ultimately it’s down to you to work out how to stop the baby crying, what to do about a 7 year old preferring your bed to theirs and so on.

When I was unhappy in my marriage I played a game of happy wife, which fooled everyone including my husband. Eventually though the cracks begin to show and something has to give.

Is a Master / slave dynamic a reality or fantasy?

If I say I am a slave and if Master says I am a slave then I am one. If I choose to follow certain rules laid down by him then it is a definite reality. Our dynamic is there all the time, even though it isn’t evident to outsiders or sometimes even ourselves. The collar is worn 24/7 and if I take it off I ask first. We aren’t into punishment but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what the rules of engagement are. Nor does it mean that I don’t adhere to them, most of the time.

Others live a stricter M/s existence, more a kin to the stuff I like to read about in books. Enforcing more rules takes work on the part of the dominant and compliance on the part of the submissive. But one thing is for sure, it is a reality.

For me it has acted as an escape mechanism. You see, my life is no longer an act. Granted I’m not working (well not going out to work) but still. I’m not pretending to be happy, or competent or whatever. I’m just living my life. So it occurs to me that being a slave is less of a fantasy than being a happy wife ever was.

This post links to Quote Quest and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

Taking orders from Master

A submissive shouldn’t question a dominant’s orders. It’s not the submissive’s position to know what a dominant’s reasons are. They should just do it and trust the dominant with that decision.

During our day to day life we don’t have the kind of relationship where by Master says jump and I ask him how high. Our life together is a partnership. That isn’t to say that there isn’t a power exchange element to our every day lives. There is. Over time I have given much of my decision making responsibilities to him. He books things up and arranges things for us to do (or did before the world went tits up) without discussion. Just as he often initiates our kink and other encounters. However that doesn’t mean we don’t discuss them first.

It’s taken me years to get to this point. As I mentioned in my last post, I have always had a tendency to want to control everything and everybody. To the extent where the effort wore me down. Meeting someone who wanted to make decisions on my behalf was something of a relief. But allowing it to happen didn’t come easily.

In my fantasies I am a malleable and obedient submissive, but in real life I don’t want to be that person. I’m a strong minded individual and I’d rather be called bratty than a door mat. Anyway, that isn’t what Master wants, I highly suspect he likes my bratty side. So long as I know when to stop.

Having said all of that, it’s not often that orders of any kind are issued and they tend to be in a specific context – play, scenes and sex. And then, I’m usually pretty happy to do as I am told, often without question. Well too many questions anyway, because I often struggle to shut off my inquisitive (or nosy) mind. Master loves to give surprises (of a pleasant kind), which is when new toys and clothes suddenly emerge. There are rarely dull moments when he gets and idea in his head.

Even though I have relinquished my limits to Master, there is always room for discussion about something new. Neither of us thinks that he should hold all the information and I should just do as I’m told. Nor do we think that instructions should be parked out as orders.

So, the reality is that a power exchange is a balancing act (just like other relationships). Communication and discussion is vital so that each partner understands the rules of engagement. But, it takes time to get to a place of clear understanding of roles and responsibilities. In this relationship I think we’ve worked out what we want and need and that is just fine for us.

This post is shared to No True Way and is part of The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

Best friends

Master and I kissing at a Christmas kink event. I am dressed in a little Santa bunny girl type costume, he in a suit.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself- and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”

~ Jim Morrison

The ex as a friend

My ex wants us to be friends. For a long time, before we split up I knew I still loved him but really didn’t like him. After years of marriage I really didn’t want to chose him to be an acquaintance let alone best friend. Time and separation has mellowed my view some what and I guess I know I could go to him if I needed something. He is loyal, in many ways though wasn’t especially faithful. Trust is a big thing in friendship and in love and unfortunately that is a bit of a problem. He has told me more lies than it is conceivable for any human to do to someone they say they love.

Plus he isn’t very good with boundaries. I popped round to the former marital home last week to collect something and had an amicable chat with he and his partner. He followed me out to the car and told me he liked my hair which is short and had been bleached by the sun. I’m happy for anyone to say I’m looking good, thanks. But he spoiled it by messaging me while I was driving home and telling me that I had turned him on. I ignored the message, though seethed about it. Thankfully an apology followed and then I told him that wasn’t an ok thing to do.

So, I don’t think my ex will ever be much of a friend and certainly not my best friend.

Friends as friends

I’ve had a number of close friends in my lifetime but none that have stood the test of time. I guess that once I wrapped myself up in love and life lasting friendships just didn’t happen. It could be that I didn’t invest as much time as I should have. Or else it was just something that happened. I feel sad when another good friendship drifts off and becomes something less close and personal. But it hasn’t been the end of the world. Since more recently my lovers have been good friends. Also a few work friends really stepped up for a while during times of need, as I did for them too.

My best friend

Master is my friend and confidant in a way no one else really has been. There isn’t anything I can’t and don’t say to him. It wasn’t until this was the case that I realised that I learned early on that my ex kept secrets from me and so increasingly I kept them from him. I don’t think there are many, if any secrets that Master and I keep from each other.

But going back to the quote, Master has let me be the person I am, at the same time as helping me be the person I always wanted to be. I have a level of freedom to be myself in a way I didn’t even know I needed.

Being part of this power exchange has allowed me to give up some of the decision making responsibilities that I used to find so hard. It has helped me realised I don’t need to be in control of everything and everyone all of the time. I came across as dominant and domineering in many circumstances when I was younger. But now, I see that was a defence mechanism against failure and letting people down. If I didn’t do things myself then they would never be right. Of course, I was wrong about that and I’m happy to admit it.

I’m with a man I love and respect and who loves and respects me in return. We are learning together how to be older people that want to continue to be active, to enjoy kink and to be lovers. He has helped me see that my body is beautiful to him and others and that I don’t need to hide it just because I am nearer 60 than 50. We have explored photography together and I wear clothes especially to kink events that I would never have imagined. I can honestly say I am happier now than I have been during my adult life (possibly with the exception of some lovely occasions with my son). That is in no small part to my Master, my Best Friend. What’s more, I’m not letting this one slip away.

This post is linked to Quote Quest and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is taking part.

From the darkness to the light

Photo by Guillaume Bleyer on Unsplash

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene Brown

There are so many ways that starting this blog has helped me explore myself more closely and see the positives from some very negative situations. I think that’s why I am clear that whatever I do in the future, I won’t give it up.

Over the past eight years there have been some dark days. Ones where I have struggled to understand how I got to that place. I’m the kind of person who loves to plan, but then who is disappointed by the outcome. I like to organise and to please. Trouble is, that in the end it isn’t what others wanted. Or else they aren’t in a place to do the things I feel I want to. Maybe that’s why I spent so much of my life feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. And even though relationship wise things are good and positive I am still struggling in other ways.

Family

My expectations of myself seem to be much greater than the ones others have of me. This played out at the weekend when I arranged a small gathering at my mums to celebrate her birthday. One by one, family members pulled out until there were just a few of us left. As it was, the afternoon was very pleasant and may have been spoiled by more people. I had a lightbulb moment that I should stop trying to organise others. Instead I should concentrate on myself and those closest to me. In a way mum’s (and my birthday) was a good excuse to see my son and daughter in law who did turn up.

The events of the past few years have at times driven a wedge between my relationship with my only child. But things have definitely improved over the past couple of years. I think it helps that I am clearly living where and with who I am, rather than remaining in what was the family home.

My mum continues to drain my energy with her selfishness, but I am learning to keep her at arms length much more. To try not to let her get to me. The big test will come this Christmas, because I am going to have to be firm to avoid a repeat of last year.

Us

Every time I think that we are drifting away from the kink and the M/s side of things, stuff happens that changes my mind. This last weekend helped that. We have so much time together and so can easily get into a rut. A change of scenery definitely helped.

Going back to the beginning of this post though. This blog is evidence of the ways in which I and we have come through difficult times and emerged stronger than before. Learning to do what is best for us and balancing the needs of others will always be a challenge. But others aren’t rushing to do the same for me, so I think I’m heading in the right direction here. Plus we have lots of good stuff to look forward to. I’m starting to believe we will get away to France and if we have to quarantine after we return. Well so be it, we can shop online and stay home. Goodness knows we’ve done enough saying in this year already.

Master with a capital M

Photo by Sara Kurfeß on Unsplash

I’m really happy about the No True Way prompt for this week, because I’ve never written about this topic before.

Dominants tend to be the “Alpha Male”, and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital, while “sub” is always lowercase.

First of all let me say I am incredibly inconsistent when it comes to the use of upper / lower case. There was a time when I always capitalised dominant, sir, master etc. There was also a time when I used a lower case I to refer to myself. I guess at the start of my submissive journey I followed what I saw others doing and what I saw written in books. But over time I decided that it would be better grammar and writing practice to capitalise properly. But to be honest it depends on my mood and what I’m writing about.

Being in a submissive mindset

Way back when I was busy discovering my submission my world view was a little romantic. I liked the idea of having my very own dominant and being his submissive. Writing about my experiences was fun and sometimes very arousing. Part of that was overplaying the dynamic a little. Referring to him as Sir or Master helped with what felt a bit like role play.

When I met my now master he wanted me to refer to myself in the third person (as I wrote here). So, it felt right to capitalise him as Sir / Master and to refer to myself as this girl (lower case). Submission felt tangible to me, I wrote about almost being able to touch it. Some days I still feel like that. But at that time we really only saw each other at weekends and during the week I’d write about it. That kept me in my space and I wrote in the third person.

Over time I wrote about other things

Not just our relationship. So gradually I wrote in the third person less and also capitalised the dominant role less. However if I wrote about us and the things we had done I often reverted. Sometimes I still do.

It occurred to me recently that though I always refer to G as Master (or master) here it’s not something I always do in real life. We live together and are partners in many ways. The power exchange is always there, an undercurrent. But isn’t always overt even to us. Calling him Master here is a habit, but also helps to protect our anonymity, even if there are photos of us both on this blog.

I’m not precious about whether I or others capitalise or not

I’m not part of the grammar police, though I prefer correct spellings. I am happy to read blogs and books where the words sir and master are capitalised, or not. I recognise my own inconsistencies and make no excuse for them. I’ll continue to do what I feel is right on any given day. After all, this is my blog and I’ll write what I want in whichever way I choose.

This post is linked to two memes. No True Way and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

Where the power lies

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” 

~ Oscar Wilde

In this post or semi lockdown world we are struggling in many ways. Not in terms of our overall relationship, all is well there. But in terms of M/s. Most of the time I don’t feel particularly submissive or slave like and I don’t think he is feeling particularly dominant.

We have been released from the confines of our home and local area. But mostly there are few places we want to go. Theatres and music venues are clothed and they are the places that Master gets his inspiration and thrills. Reading, listening to music or theatre from the comfort of your home is ok. But it isn’t the same. We usually go into London frequently for this kind of cultural input, but there’s no point going when there is little to do there.

We can visit open spaces, but the weather last week was appalling. At the weekend we were both pretty stir crazy but lethargic at the same time. We haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks. I want to but we both lack whatever it takes to get us off.

But that doesn’t mean that we won’t get back to where we want and need to be. We’ve discussed it and are hoping that our holiday in a few weeks (supposed we manage to go) will help. Warm weather, a change of scene and the ability to feel in some way free again are what we need. We hope.

Our sex life is all about power. His over me. I know that to feel my submission these days I need us to be having sex or else I need to be bent over being spanked or hit with one of his wicked implements. This feels like a chicken and egg situation because I think that’s probably what he needs too. To feel his power, Master needs to conjure up the willpower for sex. Or perhaps I need to fall to my knees and offer to suck his cock. Whichever we are both struggling to feel like making it happen.

I’m not good at initiating sex, nor am I good at saying what I want. I am better at writing about it, knowing he will read. We’ve just spent two days apart, as I write this I am in a hotel with a view of the sea. It’s early, so I expect he is sleeping. Later though, we will be back together and I’d like to think that we will both feel his power and my submission soon.

Finding myself

“Who are you?
Are you in touch with all of your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself where you can experience them?
I have. I am fucking crazy.
But I am free.”
― Lana Del Rey

I started this blog when I was at the beginning of a journey. Funnily enough at the beginning I didn’t know if it would lead anywhere, nor where that place would be.

I didn’t wake up one day and think: I know what, I’ll become a sex blogger. But as someone with limited sexual experience at the age of 50, writing about my newfound experiences seemed to be worthwhile. What’s more, I am glad I did. Especially the times when I’ve written about my hopes and fears, my feelings. Even though I don’t dwell on past relationships, documenting them here has meant I have the opportunity to look back to see where I’ve come from.

Now though, I think I am there. I have arrived at the place, the life I wanted. I am living my own fantasy. Plus, for all I live in a 24/7 M/s relationship I am free of the invisible ties that seemed to keep me in an unhappy place for so long. In April I was at last divorced and so a process that began 30 years ago came to fruition. I knew a long time ago I had made a mistake in choosing my husband, but I stayed and saw the relationship through to its bitter end.

I saw my ex yesterday, I collected a letter from him. We stood outside our former marital home for 10 minutes or so. It was enough. I don’t miss much about the home and certainly nothing about my life with him. We had good times and have a son to show for our long marriage. But I’ve learned more in the past 8 years about sex and relationships than I did in the rest of my adult life.

This life, master and I have together isn’t perfect. Who’s is? I’m struggling a bit with my submission. some days I don’t think I want our relationship to be a power exchange. But then when I think things through I know that I need it. I rebel and push against it, but it keeps me safe. It stops me having to worry about making decisions. I worry that I don’t feel as aroused as I want to be (medication causes that I think). But I also know that once we touch, kiss or have sex I am me again. A sexual being, that craves the dominance he provides me with. He makes me feel fulfilled and free to be myself.

I’m at a crossroads here. I love my blog but am tired of it too. I want to write, but often can’t. It feels like time for a change in direction, but I don’t know what that means or where it might take me. There will definitely be a rebrand in the coming weeks, I’ve started to think about how the blog might look. What I’m less sure of is the content.

Thanks to LSBs meme Quote Quest and Lana Del Rey’s beautiful lyrics in her haunting song Ride for the inspiration for this post. Maybe using more quotes to inspire is the way forward?

TTWD

Me standing naked looking out of a window. A cathedral can be seen in the background.

“The thing is that you brought this out in me. How could I want it with anyone else” – JM Storm

One of the best ways I know of describing our kinky life is this – The Things We Do (TTWD). I first saw the phrase / abbreviation on other blogs soon after I started blogging and liked it. That’s because the things we do are unique to us just as our relationship is unique to us.

I came into the relationship with a better knowledge of sex and kink than I’d had just a couple of years before. I’ve written many times about my limited sexual experiences before the age of 50.

An education

My time with S certainly proved to be a voyage of discovery. I left that relationship thinking I knew it all, only to discover how wrong I was. More importantly the discovery that the relationship itself is vital in determining TTWD.

S was interested in power exchange, but only during play or specific scenes. He was especially keen on scenes that we acted out. He liked to tie me up and to inflict some pain. But lacked the knowledge or inclination to take it very far.

I was a keen pupil and pretty much fitted in with his desires. I didn’t yet know what I wanted or needed, though I did crave his dominance over me. Over time it became obvious that he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed. The sex however was great, even at the end.

Learning about myself – MPB

Master said he was looking for a play partner who was submissive. I went in to the relationship expecting just that. But as I wrote soon after, I got much much more. I learned that my need for submission was greater than I knew. And, his desire for me to be his slave was overpowering.

Whereas with S, bondage, humiliation and degradation had been paramount. With Master, the power exchange was most obvious. Next was play. This was play in the context of his power over me. Together we explored restraint, exhibitionism, pain and pleasure in a way that was completely different to my previous experiences. Different, not because everything was new but because the context was different.

Over time Master brought out feelings about myself and TTWD that I hadn’t imagined, not even while reading erotic fiction. Sometimes this was scary, but in the main it released me from the constraints of my previous life.

This is our relationship and I need no other

Over 6 years have passed since Master and I got together. If you’d told me then that this would likely be long lasting and all we’d both want, I would have laughed in your face. But this is how it is. He is the man I needed all along and all I need now. Some of TTWD have changed over time. For example most of our play takes place outside of our home even though we have the equipment. Our sex life ebbs and flows, due to libido, need, time of the year etc. Since we live together our sex and play isn’t concentrated into weekends and holidays.

My submission might appear less overt than originally, though of course my collar is a constant reminder to me, us and others. Sometimes I worry it isn’t enough, though deep down I’m pretty sure it is. I am enough. He is enough and TTWD is enough.

Click below to see who else is joining in with Quote Quest and Every Damn Day in June.