When life gets in the way

Today’s 30 days of D/s question is about what happens when the trials of life get in the way of a dominant / submissive relationship. Like most couples, we have had our challenges. Stuff has happened that has caused us to put our M/s dynamic onto the back burner a little. The most obvious ones were when my dad was ill and then died and when I was diagnosed with breast cancer.

My dad’s illness and death

My dad died of cancer in September 2014 when Master and I had only been together for 7 months. I regret that they never met each other, because I know they would have got on well. I didn’t introduce them because by the time things were getting serious between Master and I, my dad was already pretty unwell. But it just didn’t seem the right thing to do. This did however provide me with a haven, a place to go when things got difficult.

For the last few weeks I practically lives with my parents. Caring for dad, supporting my mum and family and dealing with practicalities. But this was massively draining, and other than my son, I really had no one to turn to. Master became a great source of support for me as well as a shoulder to cry on. He had lost his dad a few years before, so was able to provide the empathy I needed.

On the face of it our M/s took a back seat as I prioritised family. But, while I was busy making massive decisions and leading my family through the pain, Master was there behind me. Looking back, our dynamic may have been in the background, but it never disappeared. Shortly after the funeral, Master took me away to Amsterdam and there we were able to reaffirm my submission and his dominance.

Breast cancer

The events of last autumn unsurprisingly hit us both very hard. During the run up to my surgery, there were numerous hospital appointments. For a while we took in the information we were given and made decisions together. This was done on an equal footing, with me having the final say about what would happen. As it was, there were no disagreements and we pretty much went along with the advice given by the doctors.

Master provided me with the most amazing support while I underwent surgery and recovered afterwards. We both struggled to come to terms with my new body shape and image. But helped each other cope. He was very firm with me during the following few months, making sure I didn’t do too much, had sufficient rest and got out and about as part of my recovery.

Just as happened when my dad died, our M/s dynamic was placed on the back burner, but never disappeared. Master continued to care for me and protected me. But this time our relationship was more established and of course by then we were living together.

Over all, I think that the big events we have encountered so far have strengthened our relationship. Both in terms of us as a couple, but also our dynamic.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

When we are apart

Today’s 30 days of D/s post is about what happens to our dynamic when we are apart from each other. Until last summer there were days (and nights) most weeks when we were apart from each other. As my moving date got closer I found the stress built up. I definitely struggled without Master’s direct control. We Skyped every evening, but after a busy working day I had inevitably had a glass or three of wine by the time we got online. He would have done the same and this led to a certain level of misunderstanding and disengagement. In turn this added to the stress that just wasn’t there when we were together. I found it difficult to feel much like a slave during those times.

But things have changed now. The amount of time we apart has reduced considerably and we have also had time to get used to being together. Like everyone we have had to work hard at the together bit and I feel this has had a good effect on my sense of wellbeing when we are apart.

My mum lives 2 hours away from us and I usually visit her every fortnight and stay over. While with her, I have a different roles, but that doesn’t mean I forget that I am his slave. In fact being away gives me time to reflect on our time together. It allows space for me to consider my actions in the previous period and think about any behaviour changes needed. We don’t tend to speak, save for a few texts while I am away, we save our thoughts for when I return.

This September I am taking mum away to Cyprus for the second time and will be away for a week. During that time, I know she will test my patience and I will need regular contact with Master to keep me on the straight and narrow. But knowing this should help prevent any major problems. Plus I can always wear a butt plug to remind me of who I am and to whom I belong.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Thinking about rules

I’ve written a few times recently about rules. In September for Food for Thought Friday I wrote about the rules of life and a little about my relationship. Then in May, for this series I wrote about how we negotiated our power exchange relationship. But in this post I’ll go into a little more detail about our rules and how they impact our relationship.

Why have rules?

In a relationship such as this, it is important to know how the power exchange dynamic will work and with whom the buck stops. The key thing for me, the slave to remember is that I have agreed to give the power and responsibility for decision making to my Master. This rule is unwritten but understood. That isn’t to say I can’t move without having to ask, far from it. But in all important issues that involve us both I do defer to him.

This takes us to one of the reasons we have such rules. It’s because I need to give up the part of myself that seeks to control everything to him. There, I’ve said it – I need this and he knows it. What is more, he wants to take that control from me so that I am free to serve him and to be his submissive, his slave.

Then why do I fight against it?

It is difficult to change habits of an adult lifetime. It is hard to admit that this is what I need and even more difficult to become dependent upon someone else. I have fought hard through life for my independence, so why would I give it up? Well, I am and I am not. On one hand I am still free to make day to day decisions. But I don’t need to do so alone, nor do I need to have the final say. I can confer and I can ask for help. But it has taken 5 years to get to the realisation that I want it.

But, we are also codependent. He is my Master but also my partner and best friend. We discuss pretty much everything we are going to do that affects me or us both. He mostly discusses things he is thinking of with me, but doesn’t have to. This is a learning process for us both and is something we continue to work on. After all, we came together later in life than many couples.

Contractual rules

We have recently been renegotiating the contract we agreed on in 2014. Much has changed since then, including that our relationship is more committed and that we live together. They can be found below.

  1. “This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master Diogenes
  2. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her holes to her Master for His use and pleasure
  3. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her orgasms to her Master whenever He requires
  4. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  
  5. “This girl” will modify her body to please Her Master, including tattoos, piercings, hairstyle and shaping of her pubic hair as He requires
  6. “This girl” freely and willingly accepts that she is her Master’s registered slave under the number 798-167-302
  7. “This girl” wants and needs to serve her Master as His Pleasing Bitch
  8. “This girl” will try to please her Master in everything she does
  9. “This girl” accepts that her Master Diogenes is her Lord
  10. “This girl” will wear a buttplug twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays in order to make her arse-cunt more pleasing for her Master

Many of the specific rules we had in place previously are now encompassed within number 8. I know what they are and tend to do them without thinking. But number 10 is one that i often forget to do and in fact need to attend to right now. Since today is Tuesday.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Thoughts on pain

I struggle, even after all this time to understand my body’s reaction to pain. After all pain is meant to be a stimulus that warns us that things are not right, that we should take flight. But the right kind of pain delivered in a certain way isn’t at all like that.

Until I met S, I had never participated in play where pain led to sexual arousal. But when he told me that flogging my backside with a leather implement made my cunt ooze I felt excited. And so began a wonderful journey to pain and arousal.

Pain isn’t a huge element in the relationship Master and enjoy. But it is an important one. Pain is something reserved for play. The intimacy we exerience when I am leant over a bench, legs spread is unique. For him, the time he spends feeling between my legs for my reaction is as important as the impact of the lashes inflicted upon my cheeks.

I glow red for minues or perhaps an hour. But the effect on my cunt can last for days. I am a pain slut, but you won’t see the evidence visually. Instead the signs are subtle. Pain brings out my submissive nature, it helps me feel and see who I am. It shows him the impact (in many ways) of his actions and reminds me of what I am.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Introducing D/s into a vanilla relationship

This is something that I never did. When I started to read about Dominance and submission the one thing I knew deep down was that I didn’t want to try such a thing with my then husband. There are a number of reasons for this.

The relationship has run it’s course

We had been married for nearly 30 years when I strayed. The relationship had limped along for years, more a friendship than a love affair. Of course, it is inevitable that a long-lasting relationship will lack that first flush of passion. Ours involved very little sex by the end, but it was more fundamental than that. I actually began to dislike being together, living in the same house. The little irritations that had been there all along started to play on my mind and feel much bigger than they probably were.

When I began to look for more excitement in my sex life and for a different type of relationship I knew that he wouldn’t be able to give me what I wanted, no matter how hard we tried.

He is not able to be dominant and I don’t want to be

I’m as sure as I can be that my husband would have been amenable to trying D/s. But he really isn’t able to be dominant all of the time. No doubt I could have switched with him, but the more I discovered about D/s the more I knew that would never work. I craved someone who would not only take me in hand in the bedroom, but who would carry it through.

The benefit of time and a good M/s relationship has proved me right

Looking at my life now and the interactions I still have with my ex show me that I am right. Also my observation of his current relationship is that my ex’s new partner is the more dominant one. She has picked up where I left off and provides the guiding hand that I became so tired of providing.

I know that I need the dominance of my Master. I need him to provide me with structure and control. I need the sex life we have, one which is kinky and exciting. I want and need the play that he plans and controls.

I know that many people have moved from a long standing vanilla relationship into a D/s one. I know that the change has saved a number of relationships. But I am sure that it would have been a disaster for me and may have prevented me from finding the happiness I now have.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Reflected

I am restrained on a swing. ankles and wrists secured by cuffs to chains attached to the ceiling. My image is reflected by the mirror above.

The play area at Stoxx wasn’t short of mirrors. So there was no shortage of ways for our image to be reflected. This is me, restrained and suspended in the swing. Reflected for Master to enjoy.

Sinful Sunday

Safeword

You often read of slaves that have no limits and no safeword, but in essence I have both. As I wrote last time, Master takes care of my limits (though these were negotiated). I do have a safeword, but have never used it.

Green

In both of my BDSM relationships we have used the traffic light system. Green when everything is good. During a scene it is important for the dominant partner to check in regularly that all is well. There might be occasions when the sub can’t speak (if gagged or in subspace) and so is unable to say the word. So non-verbal communication is vital. I’ve found it is perfectly easy to communicate green (or another colour to Master even if gagged, by nodding, eye contact or some kind of hand signal.

Amber

Amber often denotes some kind of limit is being reached. Perhaps the pain is becoming intense or restraint uncomfortable. Sometimes an adustment is needed but other times it is time to push the limit a little. Again, eye contact, verbal and non verbal communication helps identify when it is ok to continue and when things should stop. I called yellow recently (though didn’t actually say the word yellow) when tied to a St Andrew’s cross.

My right arm doesn’t have the same range of movement it did before my mastectomy. I wanted to try it but found that after a few minutes I had to ask to be untied. Because we know each other well and Master was attentive we reached my limit and he untied me. This has just made me want to get that arm more supple so it is ok to be tied in that way in the future.

Red

Red is my safeword. I have never actually used it as I have never felt the need. However, I would and being Master’s slave wouldn’t stop me. It is testament to him that we have never needed to move past amber or me asking for a break. He is respectful of my needs and always keeps a close eye on how I am doing.

Perhaps I don’t really need a safe word? But if I ever felt I did it is there.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Unmentionable

I think I have mentioned before that I am a member of a facebook group for people with or who have had breast cancer. It is a place where people support each other through treatment and recovery, recurrence and general daily life. People who are struggling with problems they can’t speak to loved ones about. Of course, there are positive posts too, news of a wedding, baby, new house, new relationship. One thing has struck me though. While people will happily describe the symptoms of their cancer or side effects of treatment in graphic detail, often including photos. They skirt around sex and relationships in the most interesting way. Breast cancer can play havoc with your sex life. But sadly it seems that the word sex is pretty much unmentionable.

Sex as a taboo subject

I wonder how many people talk to their friends about their sex lives. It is easy to sit here as part of a sex blogging community and imagine that every one does it. But in reality they don’t. Indeed I don’t discuss my sex life with people I know, but then I also don’t have a close friend to confide in. But if I did, would I? This spot on the internet is a safe place, most of us are anonymous to a greater or lesser degree. I find it much easier to describe my most intimate moments on my blog than to describe them in public.

But I have no qualms about using the actual words for what I am trying to say. I wouldn’t act like some 70’s sitcom cast member and wink or blush if I needed to say the word sex. I prefer to use proper anatomical names rather than a euphemism. And certainly if someone asks a question on an online forum then I am going to answer with reference to the actual word.

I actually think the lady was brave to raise an unmentionable topic

Even though she referred to sex as ‘being intimate’. Indeed she might not have meant sex, she may have meant that she didn’t want her partner to see her naked. But unfortunately everyone who responded skirted around the topic in the same way she had. Mentioning relationship issues and the fact that the tablets they were taking had stopped them feeling like letting their partner close.

Further conversation though identified her actual issue. She was frightened that if she became aroused and orgasmed then the hormones would make her cancer worse. This is because like mine, her cancer is hormone dependent. So she had put 2 and 2 together and made 22.

I and another lady were able to reassure her that the hormones we produce during sexual pleasure will not affect or cause breast cancer. But I wonder why it is left to an online forum of peers to impart this information. It does feel like a reasonable assumption to make when people vaguely refer to hormones.

Mentioning the unmentionable

Sex is such a difficult topic to raise as a patient. In the mix of surgery, treatment options and general issues of body image, sex is pretty much no where. As a nurse I found it a challenge to discuss with my patients too, though I did. In my last clinical role, I worked with people with rheumatoid arthritis, often with young women. Being able to find a comfortable position, dealing with the side effects of treatment and general tiredness and pain were all factors. So I made myself ask the unmentionable questions, even though I’d really rather have not.

Society in general would rather people didn’t mention sex or their sex lives. But if we are to move away from sex as taboo we need to start somewhere. I guess an online forum for people with breast cancer is as good a place as any to start.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

My Limits

When I came into this relationship I did so with few preconceived ideas. Though I’d been in another D/s type relationship there was little I’d come across that I didn’t particularly like. The key for me is discussion and negotiation (as per my last post). I may be lucky, but most of the things that would be a complete no for me are the same for Master. So in the main I have been prepared to try most things once.

Hard limits

These would be the things I (or we) wouldn’t be prepared to entertain in our relationship. For me these would include anything involving a nappy (diaper), scat (poo) and serious breath play (such as having my head in a plastic bag or something). There may be others but I haven’t come across them or been asked to consent to them.

But my actual hard limit might surprise some people. I refuse to dress up as a nurse.

I might not work as a nurse now and the last time I wore a uniform for work is more than 20 years ago. But I am a nurse and I will not wear some sexy nurse outfit for anyone. I have dressed as a maid and in a short Christmas dress. I’d dress up in most outfits for fancy dress or a thrill. But a nurse? No. Neither of my Doms have found this a deal breaker.

Soft limits and CNC

Our relationship is built on one of Total Power Exchange and Consent Non-consent. That means that I have signed my soft limits over to Master. He controls them and where necessary pushes them.

An example of something that I would rather not do but isn’t a hard limit is water sports. This is play that involves peeing on him or the ground, or else being peed on. I’ve not been asked to swallow it and am not sure it is something I’d want to do. But actually urine is pretty harmless if it is on your body, though I do prefer to be able to clean up soon after. Over time I have almost come to like the feel of peeing in front of him or over him and really don’t mind him doing it to me.

So, our contract, which I wrote about last time has statements such as:

“This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master

and

“This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  

If there really is something I’m not sure about then we will talk about it. But it would need to be pretty far out for me to refuse without trying. That might have something to do with experience so far, or age or the fact I trust Master explicitly and implicitly. Or a combination of all of the above.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Negotiating a power exchange relationship

At the beginning of our relationship there was a certain element of excitement. At times it felt we were throwing ourselves into the situation, pushing boundaries. We met at weekends, there were play scenes and there was sex. We both knew he was dominant and I submissive, that this was a power exchange and in those first weeks we played our roles well. But there was also a lot of communication, via messenger and Skype. Discussion and negotiation. Master had a reasonably clear idea of how he wanted things to go, and he wanted to check out with me what I thought. I wrote about it here on my blog quite a bit.

Initial negotiations and agreement

One of the first things Master asked me to do was to refer to myself in the third person. He believed that by doing so I would be able to remove myself as Julie from the equation and instead focus on my role as submissive object. The only way I could think of to try this out (other than when we were together) was to write my blog in the third person. It is interesting to note that writing this way is actually easier than speaking it. This rule remains in place, but I struggle to keep it up unless in the throws of subspace. But it really is effective at getting me to concentrate on my submissive self and let everything else fade away.

Discussions about underwear occured around the same time and then moved onto orgasm control and finally piercings. It was at this point we both knew that things were perhaps a little more serious than we had admitted. It became clear that even if the relationship didn’t last for ever, we wanted to formalise things in our own minds. So Master drew up a contract.

Our power exchange contract

We are very aware that formal contracts negotiated in BDSM relationships have no bearing in law. But they are useful in setting out the responsibilities of both parties. Around July 2014, just 6 months after our relationship began we agreed such a contract. Master wrote an initial document and I made suggestions for changes and additions, but on the whole I agreed with what he had written.

This was no accident, as we had already been discussing what would be included and also doing some of the things that we’re included.

The main thrust of the contract was about acknowledging his power over me. That I was an owned slave who had responsibilities in ensuring that my body was prepared as he wanted and available for him to use. So it included items about how I should keep my pubic hair and when I should wear a butt plug. There were elements of my behaviour I was keen to be helped with. I was emerging from a long marriage where I had needed to be more dominant than I felt comfortable with. I needed Master’s help to be able to let go and trust another to make decisions for me. Taking over conversations and doing things for people were just two of the areas I wanted to attend to.

Revisiting the contract

Over time we have settled into the relationship we want to have. For a while the contract slipped into the background. Our M/s ebbed and flowed and during busy periods was sometimes almost on the back burner. Prior to my moving in with Master last year we were busy with getting my house ready to sell plus I had a demanding job. We travel frequently so it was easy for elements of the contract to slip a little. Then soon after moving in I was diagnosed with breast cancer. So it is really only over the past couple of months that we have begun to discuss how our contract should be revisited.

This is now in progress. Once again, Master has drawn up a first draft and I now need to reflect on the proposed changes and make some of my own before we agree it. This time though I do want some kind of accountability to be included. Now we live together there is no excuse for me to ‘forget’ to do things or assume it’s ok for me to do and say what I want. Master isn’t majorly into punishment, so we will need to discuss what the consequences of contract breaches will be.

For me this is a huge step. In a way, it is the culmination of my submissive journey. But also the start of another one.

Postscript

Close to the start of our relationship Master and I had a private blog, which on reading I realised was a key part of the negotiation process. I’ll write more about the contents soon and will link here when I do.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s