Collars

Collars have been a feature of our relationship from the beginning. A sign of ownership, even before he truly owned me. They were a symbol of his power and control over me. To begin with though, the collars Master gave me to wear were meant for play. I would put one on at the beginning of a session and take it off after. Now, I wear a titanium collar all of the time and would only remove it to wear a play collar or jewellery. With permission. One of the worst things about my recent surgery was the need to go without my collar for over a week.

Collars for play and show

I encounter many people at Munches and events that don’t wear a collar every day. Instead they wear them as part of their outfit for that day. And there are some great leather and metal collars to be seen. People’s acceptance and willingness to wear say a dog collar is partly due to them being such a fashion accessory. But also because so many people in the BDSM community like to wear some kind of neck attire. 

I have two types of leather collars and have never worn them out of the house. In a previous relationship, I wore a dog collar a couple of times when out, but felt very self conscious. I love the idea of the posture collar and they are great to wear, for a while. They don’t look great, when like me you have a double chin. But those collars are good at helping me into some kind of sub space. 

Collars as a sign of Ownership 

In July 2015 Master presented me with a metal collar and I have worn it most days since. Made of titanium, it is locked onto my neck with an allen key. While many people I know, like to wear something more discreet, like a necklace, I am happy with my collar. Very few people have asked me about it and after 3 years everyone is used to me wearing it. If they know the meaning or significance they aren’t letting on. I suspect they don’t. Anyway, I have a theory that people aren’t particularly observant of others and instead are often wrapped in their own lives. 

For us, my collar is an important symbol of our relationship as Master and slave. For him, it signifies that I have given myself, body and soul to him. While wearing it I am his property to do with as he wishes. It provides me with security and the knowledge that he will care for me. 

Taking it off for surgery and recovery period didn’t mean that I stopped being owned or being his slave. But there was something very special for us both when I put it back on after my wound drain was removed. I expect to have to take my collar off for radiotherapy, but hopefully that will just be a daily ritual to have the treatment. 

One day, there may be a ring. But it would never have more significance to us than my collar. 

Control through sex

He pushed his cock in slowly, stretching the entrance to my tight hole. Once he had slid in a little, he withdrew allowing the tip to run across my piercing. The feeling as the hard cock slid back inside me was delicious, a little easier this time. 

For a few moments we were both silent as his penis slid in and out, each time brushing across my clit. “I love to do this” he said, stating something very obvious. “I love to use you like this, your cunt, my cunt. 

By way of a reply I wrapped my legs tightly around him just as he slid his cock back inside and held him there. “Squeeze me” he grinned. I obliged by tightening my pelvic floor muscles. “Mmm that is so good”.

“My party piece” I agreed. 

I slid my legs down the bed a little and he adjusted position and got himself into a fine rhythm, moving between them. Deeper with each movement until his balls were close to my vulva. “You’ve got a wide on” he exclaimed. No longer tight then, now fully open for him, while he in turn filled me to the brim. 

“You need this don’t you? You need me to use you like this, to control you”

“Yes Master, this girl does” 

And I do. 

I have written before about how vanilla our sex could look to a fly on the wall. So long as it was deaf. We are often in the missionary position and our sex is more often PIV. But we both get off on knowing he is in control, that he is using my body as he wishes. He tells me I am his cunt and it sends endorphins flooding to my clit, telling it to swell and throb. Then he puts a finger there and exclaims how turned on I am and of course immediately I could orgasm. 

Even when I get on top of him, he retains control. Of my movements, of the rest of my body and of course my orgasms. He tells me when to release and I do. No matter how many times I think I won’t come when he tells me, I still do. It is mighty weird, but I suppose I am as conditioned as Pavlov’s dog. His woman, his slave, his cunt. His bitch – MPB.

Masturbation Monday

Being thankful

This week’s Food 4 Thought Friday prompt pays homage to Thanksgiving which was on Thursday. I am increasingly aware that I have so much to be thankful for. It would be so easy to wallow in self pity about what I don’t have rather than recognise what I do. So, here goes.

Our relationship

Last night in bed, Master asked me if I am happy with life now we are living together. The answer to that was a resounding yes. Even though we have spent a lot of time together over the past few years, moving in was a big step. We get on far better than I even hoped. We are good at giving each other space, but at the same time enjoy each others company. Our sex life is really good and now we have the time are having more of it. 

Master has been a massive source of strength to me over the past few weeks. When I returned from theatre after my surgery he was waiting for me. At that moment, I knew I loved him more than ever and that I could rely on him. Even when things are tough we will definitely be supporting each other. 

Family

My son has gone through a lot this year and has shown himself to be a caring and resourceful man. I am so proud of the person he is. He is now 27 and of course a proper grown up, but that doesn’t mean you don’t need the help and support of parents and girl friend. He was there for me on the day of my surgery and on the phone frequently checking in. At the same time, he has supported his dad, grandad and uncle through some awful times. Sadly my ex’s brother died a couple of weeks ago after a long battle with motor neurone disease. His dad had a stroke a few weeks before that. On Tuesday, I will join them to say good bye and provide my support to them all. All of this makes me thankful that I have my health. Because even though I am being treated for cancer, it has been removed and I will recover. 

Time

I am thankful that I was able to give up work at the end of August. This means I have had the time to recover. When I finished work I was beyond tired. We are convinced that the events of this year – mum moving, me moving etc. contributed to making me susceptible to cancer. 

I am grateful that I haven’t had to take time off work or worry about no one doing my job while I am away. Also that we can spend time together and enjoy the freedom of not working. while I will be looking for work in the future, this won’t need to be permanent or full time. I know we are lucky to be able to do this, and am grateful for both of us having worked hard in the past to make it possible. 

It is really easy to get caught up in negativity, so it is useful sometimes to write about just positive things. For that, I am also grateful.

The new me

The new me is really the old me. I have lost just a small part of my body, not an arm or a leg. In terms of body mass or weight it is nothing. But when it comes to the impact of the removal of a breast it feels enormous. Breasts are not sex organs as such, but for a woman they are important elements in the act of sex. My nipples were always very sensitive and I loved to have my breasts touched. To experience that connection to your cunt, the enlarging of your clit and a flow of moisture from within is wonderful. Of course, I still have one nipple and one breast. The connection is still there and when he nibbles or sucks my nipple the reaction is the same.

Learning to love the remains of my breast

I want him to touch the area around my scar now it is healed. I know Master found it daunting, he was frightened he would hurt me. What’s more it took longer to heal than we expected. Fluid found its way out from the suture line and a dressing was required, right up until yesterday. He strokes me gently, running his fingers across and it feels pleasant.

There seems to be no sexual connection from that area and my cunt now. The breast tissue has been removed, but there is feeling. Along most of the scar line now, the sensation is normal. But under my arm the flesh feels as if it belongs to someone else. What’s more, there seems to be more of it than there was. The nurse told me that it’s because the breast previously held it in place. I’m not sure it can be toned through exercise or lost through dieting. Neither of those ever work on the exact areas you want them to.

Over the weekend I developed some weird and not pleasant pains in my right inner arm. It feels like the numbness is subsiding and in its place over sensitive nerves. They are quite the worst pains I have had over the past 5 weeks. But they are short lived, momentary even and happen at the oddest moments. When I stretch my arm our, when I lean forwards, when I try to lie on my right side. Not every time I do those things but often. This is making me a little irritable right now.

Diet, exercise and fitness

There are a host of exercises that I am meant to be doing to make sure my arms are mobile. As I lift them up to my head and above, there is a tightness on the right side, a pulling. The sudden jolting pain is new, but localised and definitely not muscular. I have a hunch I need to increase, not reduce the exercises and so I am trying that. I want to be able to go swimming, I think that would help. But since my scar is still a little vulnerable, I won’t do that yet. So I will try exercising my arm in the bath.

Over the past weekend we stepped up exercise levels in general. The weather was glorious; beautiful crisp sunny if cold days and no rain. We walked miles around London and only took public transport a few times. Walking is great for me and something I need to do daily, a challenge in winter but something that can be done.

Our other source of exercise has been sex and lots of it. That he feels horny most mornings and wants to have sex with me is making me feel good about myself. My mood is pretty good and I feel positive. He tells me how much he wants and needs me and has me tell him how much I want and need him. That affirmation is an important element of our M/s  relationship and also part of this healing process for us both.

Finally to diet. I am making the changes previously mentioned, though sticking to them is proving challenging. Mainly because in trying to eliminate one thing you can easily find yourself eating something else almost as bad. Plus over the weekend I ate more cheese than I maybe should have. However I am on the right track as I have lost 3lb over the past 2 weeks. A long way to go to get to a healthy weight but progress none the less.

Next week I see the oncologist and then we can start to plan. The radiotherapy of course, but Christmas and perhaps a trip to some warm weather in the new year.

Power through control

He likes to exercise control over me and all aspects of his and our life. This really is who he is. While he will do things at my suggestion, I know he likes to come up with ideas first. Through the control he has over me, I know he feels power. He tells me that when he controls me he feels his domination and my submission. Sometimes, in the right situation this power arouses him sexually and in turn it does me too. 

It’s funny because in the past I hated to be out of control. To have others tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. Indeed in a work situation I can still get a little tetchy if I think someone is trying to control me. But over the last (almost) 5 years I have willingly given control to him. I have consented to be his slave and to allow him to make decisions on my behalf. 

There are 13 other posts on this blog labelled in the category of control. Most were written in the first year or two of our relationship. At a time when I was learning about my needs and of course his. Then I thought about control a lot. Recognising for the first time that there was no need to micromanage myself and everyone else around me. The key thing I recognise as I write this post today, is how far along this journey I have travelled. 

So often now, I don’t even worry about decision making. I just expect him to take the lead. He books concerts and theatre trips and puts them in the diary. He makes suggestions about places we might go and before I know what has happened we are on our way. Hotels are booked, sightseeing organised and quite often I just turn up, guide book in hand. But the strange thing is, it doesn’t feel like he is doing anything different or odd. There is no malice involved, just a desire to be the one that decides things. And I am pretty happy to just let that happen. 

In bed he willingly takes the lead. It isn’t that I can’t or don’t want to, but he just does it. Telling me to get on my knees can be so powerful, for us both. When he comes up behind me as I am standing at the window or in the kitchen and lays his hands on my shoulders or hips. I can feel the control he has over me, a physical and emotional thing. Something I can almost see and which I always know is there. 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The changing nature of my submission

#Sccwriting

The empowering nature of submission

There are times when I wonder if I am truly submissive. As I go about my daily life, making decisions and just getting on with things. Should I defer on all things? Should I ask for more direction? 

Well, no actually. After almost 5 years in this relationship we have settled into our roles. Yes, things have changed. I don’t feel the need to be in control all of the time in all things. I no longer need to know everything that is going to happen, I trust him to be in control. That includes deferring to him for advice in a way that I had never known possible before. Master has a quiet, but powerful way of getting me to make decisions where I need to or ensuring that he does where it is better for me. I know I am a strong woman, but I need his support in more ways than I even knew. What is more, I am happy and proud to be his submissive.

What does safe mean?

He makes me feel safe. Indeed, my submission gives me a safety net. It means that I trust him to look after me whether in daily life, or when we are playing. I feel safe that he is making the right decisions for me and us. That isn’t to say that I don’t argue, become ‘unruly’ or ‘bratty’. But who doesn’t push against what they know to be good for them? 

Safe also means a safe word. I may be a slave, but we have never abolished my safe word. While I have never used it, I would if I needed to. As it happens, I only have to express that something is wrong when we play and he will stop. I guess that is what makes me feel safe in his hand, I trust him to make sure no harm comes to me.

BDSM in submission and play

Our life when it comes to BDSM and kink play is set into something of a routine. Our sex-life may look vanilla to the uninitiated observer. But only if there were no sound on the video – words and actions are important for us. Just when I think things are a little predictable he makes me pee on him, or he on me. Or he will make me get on my knees, undo his trousers and tell me to suck him off. 

Play is not a regular feature, but we have the equipment at the ready and suddenly it will appear. More recently we have attended clubs where both my submission and our play have been on display. I hope we can find a way to continue to do that, including the CMnf events. 

Limits over time

When we met I thought I was pretty clear about my limits. Over time he has pushed them slowly and carefully. My level of trust is such now, that I am happy to declare I have no limits. In truth of course there are, but he knows what they are. I have faith that he wouldn’t put me in danger, but will stretch my acceptance of his kinks. You can’t make this kind of thing happen, it takes time, patience and communication. And we have worked on all 3. 

My advice to others

Be prepared to look deeply at yourself and to answer questions about your words and actions. Even those in the past. Trust that you and your dominant will need time to settle into your roles, just as you do in regular life. Allow your submission to develop in your dominant’s hands, let them lead and trust your true personality to emerge. It isn’t always easy, you won’t always get it right but a strong relationship will allow you to be the submissive you both want. Finally trust your instincts – if you think you are submissive then you probably are. 

Treatment plan

Yesterday morning, in my Wicked Wednesday post I wrote about the coming couple of weeks and my hopes for the impending surgery. In the afternoon I saw my consultant and now have the treatment plan.

Unfortunately the tumour is twice the size that showed on ultrasound. I was reassured it doesn’t mean it has grown that much over the past month. But that this kind of cancer is difficult to measure. This means I need a mastectomy rather than lumpectomy. 

The options for a breast reconstruction were explained to us. I am really not keen on having one largish breast and one completely flat area for ever more. So, I was hoping for a reconstruction at the time of surgery. However, the surgeon explained that the radiotherapy could damage a silicone implant. With a 40% chance of requiring further surgery because of this, we felt this was a no go. So, in a years time I will have a reconstruction by a plastic surgeon, that will take some of my own tissue to be formed into a breast. People, I get a tummy tuck too!! 

I have tried hard to be positive over the past month, since the biopsy was taken. But I feel the rug has been pulled from beneath me and I am struggling emotionally now. Thankfully, I only have till Monday to consider the decisions that have been taken. By that evening my right breast will be gone. I am luckier than most, I doubt many people have the library of photos we have of my breasts. But I don’t know how painful it will be to look at them afterwards. Especially in those first few days. 

I intend to try to be body positive about this and when the time is right I will show my body on my blog.

The road ahead will be challenging, but I have Master to support me and I have nice things to do. Today we leave for our music festival until Sunday and will return when I am well enough to do so. 

Thank you for the kind words of support here on my blog and twitter, it helps to be part of this wonderful community. 

Pause

It feels a little as if we are on hold right now, someone has pressed the pause button. Around me, people are busily getting on with their lives, caught in the daily grind while I sit here and wait.

Life for me right now is made up of endless hospital appointments interspersed with doing very little. Shopping, cooking, the odd evening out, all of those things continue. We are also making time for some sex – well there is plenty time for sex, but obviously we don’t have sex all the time. There are still things around the house to be done, the big declutter continues – for him that is. Plus I continue to gradually unpack (assisting in his declutter). 

Yesterday I dug over a patch of the garden. It had become overgrown with weeds and grass. Also some bulbs with leaves but no flowers, we have no idea what they were. Now, the ground is clear and I have planted bulbs. This might be the last bit of strenuous work I do for a while. Very soon I will have to pause even more.

This afternoon I will get the results of the MRI scan, which took place only yesterday. The scan was a weird experience, not entirely unpleasant just very odd and noisy. Surgery will be soon, and today I will know when. Before that I will have a blood test and on the morning of the operation sentinel node imaging. This seems to be my life right now.

Having said all that, we do have one thing on the agenda. A two week trip to a nearby city for a classical music festival. For the past two years, this has been our way of taking a break from real life. A pause, you might say. Well it starts on Friday and we plan to spend as much of the next two weeks as possible there. Hospital appointments and operations permitting. We have an airbnb booked and will stroll the city, attend concerts and lectures. It will be a great place to pause the pause as it were!

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The follow up post can be found here

TMI Tuesday – relationships

Too Much Information Running Through Your Brain
1. If you had three wishes that would come true, what would they be?

For my breast cancer to be no more than 3cm so I can have my operation next week and get on with treatment

To be able to plan some holiday for next year

To be safely able to play again very soon

2. What are your favorite things to spend money on?

Clothes and shoes, food and drink (in a restaurant / bar, not for cooking at home)

3. If you could write a song about your life, what type of music would you use?

It would be a classical piece, that started very quietly, gained momentum and then quietened down and became boring for about 10 minutes. Then suddenly made people cover their ears, before settling into an exciting, beautiful rhythmic piece of music that those watching would always remember. 

4. If you could choose your partner again, would you choose the same person?

This partner, yes. My previous partner and long term husband, no.

5. When it comes to discussing your sex life, who do you confide in more than anyone else?

Apart from my Master? You who read my blog know most of what there is to know.

Bonus: What’s your definition of cheating? Is there really such a thing?

Engaging in any sexual act in person, on the phone or online with anyone without your partner / lover or in my case Master knowing or giving permission. 

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How to play TMI Tuesday: Copy the above TMI Tuesday questions to your webspace (i.e., a blog). Answer the questions there, then leave a comment below, on this blog post, so we’ll all know where to read your responses. Please don’t forget to link to tmituesdayblog from your website!

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Power and glory

Apparently Master had an odd dream. This is nothing unusual, only last week he has travelled to China having been abducted on an underground train. In this dream though he was describing the different ways in which he and I fuck. Nothing odd about that, though he didn’t expand on the context. However it led him to thinking about the ways we have sex. This post is a reflection of the conversation we had. 

For him, there are two kinds of sex firstly where he has the power and is a dominant force and secondly where he feels the desire to breed me. For the purpose of this post I am calling glory.

Power

I would estimate that 70-80% of the time our sex life resolves around the power dynamic of our relationship. His role as Master and mine as slave is most evident in the bedroom, or playroom. It is always an undercurrent the rest of the time but is subtle. During sex though he says and does things that increase his feelings of power and that in turn brings out my submissive side. He might use humiliating words to describe me – bitch for example, or he may instruct me to kneel and suck his cock.

The more that I conform to his words, the fact that I ask and even beg for an orgasm, the way he can make me wait all make him feel more powerful. In this context I can feel myself drift into submission, how that feels is difficult to describe. It feels almost trance like, hypnotic. When he sees that slightly glazed look on my face, especially after several orgasms, his voice chances in tone. There is no doubt he is in control, has the power  over me.

If he orgasms he will often do so on my body somewhere; breasts or tummy. He will wipe his cock over my pubic hair as a final sign of his power. This will have been my prize.  

Glory

The sex described in my post yesterday falls into the second category. While some of the words spoken may be the same and there will be an overt power dynamic. But this will be about him burying his cock deep inside me, with the intention of breeding me. This of course is a fantasy. I am in my mid 50s and can’t be bred, I am post menopausal. But for him it feels real, a sign of his love for me. To me, it is ok, because if I had known him earlier in my life, there is a good chance I would have wanted a baby with him. 

This isn’t all about him though, he will still make me orgasm. His fingers will still be caressing me and his cock will rub against my piercing. But he will want his orgasm to occur with his cock deep in my vagina. I love when that happens, partly because it is less common. But also it feels like sex that is born of love not just dominance and submission. There is glory for both in that moment 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked