This section is in diary form and was written between May 2012, when I was newly exploring my submission and September 2014 just before Master’s relationship with his then primary slave ended. Posts can be found here
My Initial Thoughts Who am I? May 2012
The main thing i know about myself is what i am to others – Daughter, wife, Mother, Sister. i am also an employee and in my opinion a pretty good one on all counts. My life is spent doing things for others. i haven’t really felt like my own person in a very long time. The things i do are generally not for my own benefit and if i do spend time on myself then i am questioned about what that means. So for example if i were to buy a sexy dress and to wear it with some stockings because i like the way those things feel then i must be doing that for someone else. in the past when i decided to tell one of my brothers i wasn’t happy at home he took this as a way of telling me his own woes.
When something needs to get done in my life i had pretty much better do it myself as no one else will. Cooking, cleaning, loading the dishwasher; you name it. i am responsible for organising everything – holidays, decorating going places. i answer the door and the phone, make the tea and fetch the biscuits. i often wonder where it all went wrong.
When it comes to sex, if i don’t organise that then it doesn’t happen. It is also a one way thing. All give and no return. So given that i haven’t organised sex for several months we haven’t actually had sex and of course that is my fault.
When my son was younger i took all of this in my stride. But now he is 21 and has pretty much flown the nest i don’t see why it needs to be like this. So this is why i seek to change things.
Were we ever really compatible?
We met at a very young age, we lived near each other and i was 15 and he was 19 when he asked me out. We got on well together, wanted to be together, we grew up together i guess and we were both virgins. For quite some time we kissed and touched each other, he led, i happily followed. After i went off to nursing school we continued our relationship. At times before and during that time being apart from him almost broke my heart. Our early attempts at love making were unsatisfying, neither of us knew what we were doing and we didn’t really know what we needed to do to get experienced. He asked me to marry him early on and i said yes. i was in love, but equally i didn’t have any better offer. This maybe isn’t a good basis for a relationship. It was shortly after the wedding that i wondered for the first time if i had done the right thing. The wedding itself had overwhelmed us as had buying and moving into our new home. i remember on honeymoon he said we should make love every other day. Why was that? i never questioned it or asked? At that time we slept close to each other; spooning, cuddling. At some time we started to sleep facing opposite ways to each other.
We have both strayed from this relationship. He at the beginning with an older work colleague. He learned from this relationship and before i knew what was going on he applied them to our sex life. Finding out about his affair left me bereft. What i am not sure about is whether i really wanted and loved him because i wanted and loved him or whether it was because i didn’t want to lose him to another person.
The way i have strayed has been different. First, when i was a semi deserted mother of a small baby i placed a lonely hearts ad in a local paper and dated 3 different men; none of these led to sex at all. One of them turned into a friendship for a period of time which i enjoyed. The advent of the internet has led me to have a few little flings. i have met two men with whom i have engaged in mutual masturbation. i discovered with both that it is possible to be taken to a different level when you orgasm. Actual intercourse with a man who is not my husband never happened until the latest relationship started with my Master.
So in answer to my question? Were we ever compatible? Possibly but we probably grew and developed differently and so if we were compatible at 15/19 or 21/25 we certainly weren’t by 30/34 and aren’t now. I allow myself to become stressed about my life and work
For the most part i go about my usual life in a reasonably calm state. After all you can’t be continually fed up about your lot. Indeed i don’t believe on a day to day basis i really am unhappy. But if i look back on a week that i feel has been particularly dull, a particular struggle then it does make me unhappy. Some events at work, particularly when we are busy stress me. Some days i need to work late, i need to travel to meetings and at home the support for this is limited. i then get stressed. i have allowed the man i live with to manipulate me into sitting there while i do everything for him. i allow him to wind me up so that at times i explode, rant and nag. i reach this stage less frequently these days as i have learnt not to allow myself to boil over. It does no good in my experience. What i am doing now in exploring this alternative lifestyle is part of the ‘what are you doing instead of putting up with your life as it is?’
Who will the new joolz be?
i will be someone who is happy in their own skin. i will wake each morning and know that i am where i am is where i want to be. i will be a person who, when she gives of herself, gives it willingly because she both wants to and knows it is right.
i will be loved for myself. i will be cared for and because i am cared for i will care for that person with all of my heart and body. i will be able to allow that person to possess me entirely.
i will be sexually liberated. i will be able to give my body and mind entirely to someone else. i will give this willingly because i will consider myself part of that person.
i will be proud of who i am, i will be proud to show my body to myself and to others.
i will not be someone who people think is there to be walked all over. i will do things because they are right for me, not just because they are what someone else wants me to do
Progress Update May 26th 2012
It is almost a month since i started this page and it feels like this might be a god time to think about where i am on my journey. There are really two parts to this. first of all there is my personal journey through learning about being a submissive woman within a new world and then there is my personal journey through my real and very vanilla life.
My submissive journey
Sir and i have met for play 3 times now and we have chatted on line and on the phone on numerous occasions. On that first night i took a huge risk, but for me it has paid off. Sir is a loving Dom and is extremely keen for me to learn new things and what is more for us to experience new things (some of which he hasn’t tried himself) together. He appears to be considering this a long term project. This reassures me (more of that in the next section below)and allows forward planning to take place. I am learning to trust him.
i have already tried so many new things since we have met – being tied up, wearing his collar complete with lead for a short and very erotic period, spending days without knickers at his behest, wearing the most erotic but slutty underwear, wearing a butt plug, anal sex (indoors and out). We have also had fun, have laughed and spoken about our lives and what has brought us to this place in our lives.
The more that we chat, speak and meet the more i can feel myself submitting to him. The less i want to argue or challenge what he says or tells me to do. i am starting to feel more and more liberated by the idea of living in a world where i can return from work and not have to make all the decisions any more (work is a place where i need to take a dominant kind of role), it feels clear to me that i no longer want or need to control all of my life all of the time.
The one area where there is room for improvement is my ability to give a good blowjob. For a reason that i can’t explain i have not really ever been keen with hubby to do this at all. i think to begin with i just didn’t want him to cum in my mouth. Later i wasn’t keen to do something he kept telling me his girlfriend did to him. But with sir i actually do like his cock so much that i want it in my mouth. This is a good thing as this is not optional. Sir’s cock is rather large, impressively so. I like the fact it is a good mouthful and i have no fear that he will cum without good warning. i am just not all that good at taking it as deeply as he would like. i have a very strong gag reflex and while i am learning to over come this progress is less speedy than we would both like. Still practise and training on this front continue. What is really good though is that i have really overcome my dislike of oral sex per say and with sir i really do like it.
New things to try soon include being blindfolded, being tied in some different ways, new positions for anal sex, new fun ideas for the outdoors (now that summer is here)and a move from spanking to being punished with new implements. Lastly and i hope very soon – nipple clamps. Really looking forward to that after the peg experience this week.
The main thing i am finding right now is that i am analysing everything so much more. i think about what i am doing and how i do it. i observe what is happening around me, peoples responses to me and mine to them.
The key area of this observation is of course my home life and the interactions between hubby and i. There is no physical interaction as such. i don’t know when we last did anything in any way intimate. My problem now is that i don’t want to be close to him (we still sleep together but that is all we do). The things he does now are irritating me and i am having to work hard to keep in check my feelings. i want him to take more control of his own life past going to work and coming home but he essentially refuses. i decide what is for dinner, when it should be eaten. i make him food, drinks. i go shopping, i clean the house, i decorate my son’s room, he says well done. This is not the life i want.
This means that i spend lots of time, some of it in the early hours of the morning trying to decide what to do next and when to do it. i can’t continue to tell lies in the way i am. i can’t continue to deceive. i am by nature a truthful person. i don’t really know if the relationship with Sir will last long term, we are making plans for play but haven’t discussed more – it is early days. i am ever fearful of being just so needy (emotionally) that i scare him off. That said he does know that this whole thing is emotionally difficult and we do discuss it. My thought processes go along the lines of: can i tell hubby that i want an open relationship? i don’t dislike him, i don’t necessarily seek to leave but i want more and i don’t want it for him. i am not convinced that this approach will work. He will be jealous and he definitely won’t take it lying down. This means that i will need to tell him the truth before he finds out and i will have to have a plan of what to do. This may mean somewhere to live.
Son returns from USA next week. So there is another person to consider. He is an adult in his own right but he is our son and his needs matter too. He goes back to his Uni in October and graduates next year. Timing feeling important there too.
Lots to think about, but on a positive note lots of great and exciting things have happened. So onwards and upwards!
June Update June 20th 2012
Nearly a month since my last update, but lots of blog posts charting my journey. i have blogged before, indeed i still have a blog about my working life hosted by another platform, though i have not updated in some months. It is not that i don’t have anything to say, i just can’t quite get round to going there. Part of this is because i am here, but part of it is because i got a new job last summer and i really like it. Also as structural change goes on around me within it, i am happy at present to just leave any frustrations to others.
This blog is helping me to be more open with myself. i am expressing my deepest feelings for perhaps the first time, ever? Perhaps. i haven’t been good at keeping friends close. All my life i have collected a few friends, but other than one special childhood person, i have never really had anyone to share really deep and personal stuff with. Now she lives at the other end of the country and is terrible at keeping in touch, so much so that i have tended now to leave her to it. Friends now are mainly people to meet for lunch or a drink, have a gossip and return home. This is one of the regrets of my life, but i suspect i am not going to make that kind of friendship now.
Progress with Master
We have managed to keep up our pretty much fortnightly meetings. i am learning so much about both how to be a lover and also about the things kinky things i like. Together Sir and i have discovered that i really like nipple pain and that clamping my nipples and Sir kissing those nipples almost short circuits me to an immediate orgasm – what a revelation!
The other area i am moving forward with is my technique for giving Sir the blowjob He wants. i think i have said before that this is something i did not previously enjoy. i have rarely done this for hubby, but then he has rarely (if perhaps ever) made me come. Sir wants his cock in my mouth, indeed he insists that i am ready for him to put that wonderful, large mouthful wherever he chooses. I am overcoming my gag reflex and my kind of inbuilt fear of the whole act and starting to even enjoy it – yes it is true!
i have said enough about my emotions over the last few days (see blog posts). But there is nothing like going through a bit of angst to make you clearer about what it is you want and i think i am getting there. i want this relationship with Sir, i am prepared to go through the highs (which are very high) and the lows (which can be a bit low). But am i happier in myself today than i was on day 1? Hell yes!
July 25th 2012 Update
If I set out to make a change before my 50th birthday, and I do believe I have said that before, then I have achieved my goal.
With just under 2 weeks to go until that particular landmark, I can definitely say that I am enjoying this whole new lifestyle more than I could ever have imagined. There are definitely highs and lows, the highs are giving me amazing sexual fulfillment, a release from my normal life. Even the lows though are not really that low. Good things have happened and so far nothing all that bad.
I would say the biggest discoveries of this last month is my love of humiliation and the realisation of my exhibitionist tendencies. I know that Sir is going to push my willingness to be humiliated to its limits. I was thrilled on Saturday to be out with him, dressed as I was – very short skirt over a sexy corset, fish net stockings,high heels. My backside was essentially bear, my skirt didn’t really cover the stocking tops. We walked past people going out for the evening (it was after 10, but young people tend not to go out for the evening until that time), past people on the street.
I was prepared to do pretty much anything Sir asked me to during the hour or so we were out and did it turn me on? Boy it did! The thrill of doing something so risky, so out of character was amazing.
Sir and I had an important conversation on Saturday afternoon; that difficult conversation that any couple need to have. Although at the beginning of all of this, I became so emotionally charged after a scene that I was ready to declare my undying love, I have known all along that we are not in that kind of relationship. We both have complex lives (his no less so for the fact his marriage has ended), and we both recognise that jumping into another full time relationship is not something either of us want or need. We need a good time, we need fun and we need enjoyment. That is not to say it is not a loving caring experience to be together. That is not to say that we need to spend every waking moment in bed (or wherever else we might be doing what we do). But we are not in this to become new lifetime partners with each other.
If I leave hubby, I know, have always known that I would rather live by myself and have a relationship where we can spend time together but where I can have my own space. It is a relief to know we are both approaching this from the same direction. The most difficult thing is the fact that I am so excited about the things I am doing, yet have no one to share that excitement with. Of course the new blog friends I am making in some way make up for this. But there are sometimes small things that you want to be able to say, that would only mean something to a friend or family member. I am also quite irritated quite a bit of the time. Annoyed to be wasting the long summer evenings with someone who just sits on the sofa and either watches tv or sleeps. Irritated that I can’t do more with my weekends, when I know I have opportunities with Sir open to me if I could only take them. My promise to myself then is that I don’t go through another summer in this way.
25th August 2012 Update
A month since i updated last and even though Master and i have had just one actual night together, i feel that i have grown and developed as a slut and a submissive. Humiliation remains the name of our game, and it is in this area that i admit to be growing in confidence. I am actively seeking out situations now that i can show both myself and Him who i am, what i am and who i am there for.
Thinking about my feelings in relation to all of this, i have to admit i am reveling in them. i am in an almost constant state of arousal due to my actions – even things as simple as wearing no knickers to work. That is not to say that i am unable to function at work and home because quite obviously i am. However my submission is never all that far away. i am actually looking forward to the end of summer and getting myself into some new stockings. i intend to spend less time in trousers this winter and to get myself some new heeled boots. Sir is definitely having an effect on my wardrobe and what i choose each day to wear from it!
This time after our meeting, i have not felt down as i sometimes have. Instead i have felt exhilarated, craving the next time. We are talking about new ways in which he might exert his dominance over me. i definitely need gagging; i can’t help but attempt to negotiate myself out of a situation. Afterwards i regret that i have opened my mouth and Master and i agree that this is an area that needs working on. We are also discussing the amount of punishment i am probably due now; he has been very lenient with me and he says it is time that he punished me more. This is going to lead to more spankings i think. I am pretty keen to get a bit more used to being spanked with something other than his hand. More thoughts on where i am today here
21st September Update – 6 month Review Can be found here
4th November It strikes me that this is where i am at now!
26th November Update (Coming Clean)
The events of the past week have taught me much more about myself than i really wanted to know. I now know i am capable of telling my husband of 28 years that i am seeing someone else. i know that my feelings for Sir and the things we do together are stronger than i imagined, in that i am not willing to give it all up so that my homelife can be easier. i have also discovered that my desire to continue with this lifestyle – BDSM, TTWD or whatever you call it, is very very strong. i am now hanging onto everything by a thread. But i am hanging on!
8th January 2013 New year and new thoughts – just when i thought that i could have it all, perhaps actually that isn’t what i can have or truly want?
19th January 2013 Home alone tonight so time to reflect on my journey. i am a person who likes to please people and from where i sit right now, that is just what i am trying to do (still).
As hard as i try (and i have tried pretty hard recently), hubby doesn’t turn me on. He has gone from someone who didn’t EVER touch me, who seemed oblivious to the fact women have needs too, to someone who spends the entire night with his hands on my body. It is true that he sleeps pretty poorly, and no doubt i have made it less possible for him to sleep, and when he is awake he is laying claim to me. i am tolerating this, and at times it is pretty pleasant. But actually, this is my body, and i don’t want to be continually touched.
Vanilla sex has become less appealing to me, not surprising since i have come to need more pain, more kink and more submission. He doesn’t make me want to kneel before him. This morning, while he touched me, i lay wondering why i am not able to let myself just enjoy what he is doing to me. Why it is that i can’t find his body sexy, when in reality there is little between him and Sir in many ways (other than the size of his cock). To remain in this marriage i will need to find a way of enjoying sex with hubby. Otherwise i am going to need to leave the safe world i enjoy. That is a scary prospect. Perhaps i just need to get braver?
It is almost two months since i last updated this part of my blog, and do you know what if feels like longer! When i posted then, i had not seen Sir for quite some time and i was about to visit him. It is only looking back, that i realise that hubby had been lured into the idea that i wouldn’t go back.
He was staying close, possessing me; he thought i would choose him. i went to Sir as i had said i would and this caused immense pain to hubby and it caused problems to our already troubled relationship. Since then there have been many peaks and troughs. Sometimes we have almost been as before, living together in a reasonably settled marriage and at other times things have been beyond volatile.
i can’t tell from week to week how things will be. i have made many technical mistakes (involving texts and emails)which have led to sleepless nights. Hubby has pryed into me and my belongings in a way that i find highly irritating. At the same time, Sir has shown just how much He cares about me. He has been there when i needed, he has provided just the right amount of pain and pleasure. We have walked, and we have talked. He has provided respite from the reality of life at home. i don’t know where we will end up in the longer term, but for now we are planning. We are talking of new (scary) BDSM adventures and we are talking about trips away together.
We are talking about the summer and opportunities for humiliation and fun. i am having a good time here, make no mistake. When i next write on this page it will be because it is a year since Sir, my Master and i got together. That is only just over 3 weeks away!
A year ago this week, i first met my Sir at a hotel where we spent the night. i had anal sex for the first time and knelt before Him. i also had the best sex of my life (at that time). There was no turning back from that day onwards. But, i have put my marriage at risk and have put the reputation i have with family and friends on the line. So far i am scraping by, hanging onto my marriage by the skin of my teeth. The coming year will be a further leg of the journey. A voyage of further discovery, probably scary and more than likely with its own risks. But i don’t face it alone; for that i am very grateful.
- i am happier and more fulfilled
- i have discovered that i like to dress to please
- i have discovered that i like to face potential humiliation
- i have discovered that submission can be fulfilling, enriching and whats more enjoyable
- i have discovered that i am turned on when restrained, clamped and spanked (sometimes at the same time)
- i have discovered i like to suck His cock and am able to swallow
- i have discovered there is more to life than i expected
- i have found new friends, in real life and online. Friends i do not need to be inhibited with
- i have found that i am a bigger risk taker than i would ever have imagined
Monday 15th July 2013
A number of people have, over recent days, told me that I have grown, developed and blossomed over the past 15 months. It is hard to see that clearly for myself; who I wonder can?
At the start of this journey, I knew that there was more of me to discover. I knew I had the potential to be a more skillful lover. I knew that there were things that I feared, for example sucking cock, like anal sex, which were suddenly expected of me. But this experience so far has given me so so much more.
I had spent years as someone who was effectively successful in her work, who had raised an intelligent and confident child, who to the outside world appeared herself to be confident and able. Someone who seemed happily married. That confidence, though felt as if it were a front. The happy marriage in the main a sham. People relied on me, but at the same time, I encouraged dependence. I was often down trodden, doing everything for those around me. People took me for granted and in return I felt I received little.
Meeting S changed that. Suddenly, here was a man who wanted to teach me how to be the person he felt that deep down I was. Part of that was about submission, about Dominance. Part of that was about Sadomasochism; being tied, being exposed to pain and humiliation, but so much more was about releasing the sexual being that he knew I was. It soon became apparent that the fears I had about certain elements of sex, were unfounded and what was more, as my boundaries were pushed I could become the kind of person I knew myself to be.
The period of time since hubby found out about us has been challenging. I have experienced clinginess, anger, verbal abuse and tears lots of tears (all of them his). Until this weekend when S told me that he felt we had reached the end of our journey together I had not felt upset enough to shed one tear. I had begun to think that I was heartless. However that is clearly not the case, it is just that I had become immune to hubby’s actions and reactions. Now it is clear to me that the love I shared with hubby when we first met and married nearly 30 years ago has changed. I know now that the time is right to start phase 2 of my life.
Saturday 14th September 2013
Today’s post is about where I am on this long and winding road to discovering myself and where I want to be with my life
So, its looking a lot like Christmas. This year I expect to spend very little time with hubby and I hope to spend at least some time with the man who in the bedroom is my Master. My most recent post tells you where I am right now.
A post by Vesta at Vesta’s submission has had me thinking all day as I have gone about my pre-Christmas preparations (decorating the tree and shopping for presents) today. I am struggling with getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I can’t quite get into the mood and am going through the motions a little. Still I have most of the presents bought, a few wrapped. I have started on the cards, but am struggling with signing our names in the usual way.
I have a lovely tree chosen by my son who also helped to decorate it. For 22 he is still loves Christmas and why shouldn’t he? I know that it doesn’t have to be like this. I know that all I had to do in the summer when S and I finished (all be it briefly), was to tell hubby that I had made a mistake and that I wanted to try again. There have been many times since that day that I could have patched things up between us. But, how can I? The relationship he is offering me is not what I want. I have discovered things about myself over the past couple of years that I probably always knew. I can’t turn the clock back and pretend otherwise.
Until April 2012 hubby was the only man I had had full intercourse with. I always knew there was more that I wanted and needed but I struggled to work out what it was. I also knew that I didn’t really want that something else with hubby. I spent lots of time reading about sex, particularly since we have had a computer in the house. There were programmes about kink on the TV form time to time and I was curious, but I didn’t do anything about that curiosity.
The beginning of the relationship with S coincided in a heightening of my curiosity and discovery about the kinky side of me. One didn’t cause the other, they happened at the same time. I was reading about BDSM, particularly blogs and stories, and I was visiting kink related websites (like Fetlife) and chatrooms. It was in a kink chatroom that I met S for the first time. We chatted and played out a fantasy scene. I was aroused and I was even more curious. Over the following few days I discovered that I was willing to things he asked me to like wearing no panties, like playing with myself when in a public place, like wearing stockings. I found that being called a slut by him turned me on. I found I wanted to please him. I discovered my submissive side and I liked it.
A defining moment came on the day I bought a butt plug and inserted it, in a car park while on the phone to him. He told me I was a good slut. I loved the feeling of that plug inside me, but I loved the feeling of being told I was a good slut and that he was pleased with me even more. A few days later I met him and was bending over while he spanked me and then claimed me for his own.
I am not a different person to the one I was 2 years ago, but I have explored my limits and I have found I want more than I ever knew from a relationship. I know I can’t go back to the way I was then, and what is more I don’t want to. I am kinky and that is something I just am. I didn’t choose this, but you know what I am not sorry.
So everything has changed and S and I are no longer seeing each other. I had slipped back into the pleasant feeling of having my cake and eating it too. I had a place to go to be myself, and we had such great fun. But it was never going to be more than the odd weekend spent having great kinky sex, walking, talking, geocaching and yes having fun.
I knew he was looking for something he didn’t believe I could give and so now it is time to let him go. So what about me? Well this post sets out some of what I think I want.
It’s been about 10 days since S told me that he was ready to move on. During that time I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our relationship together, but also about what I might want in the future. While we were chatting on Skype that evening, he said he hoped I met someone; that I deserved to be happy. I told him that evening that I wasn’t in any hurry, instead I need to sort my life out.
I do need to do that, but actually I would like to think about a future relationship and what I might look for in that context. For the past few evenings hubby has been home – the longest time we have spent together since well before Christmas. The gulf between us shouted at me – in terms of the way we communicate and the way in which we want to spend our time. When he is home I restrict my time online, and we generally sit in the same room watching tv, eating dinner and speaking about neutral issues.
This week, I have had lots of time to think about my life and what the future might hold. I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time.
I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have. I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused. I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control. In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted. I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it I have started to have a little fun in Alt.com – a bit of chatting, a few fun online scenes and a bit of flirting. For a little while that will do. But actually I really am feeling the need to find me a Dominant man. Watch out subjoolz is back and ready!
February 2014 Onwards – Meeting Graeme
At last I am back on the trail, back to doing what I set out to achieve. I am finding out about me and about my submissive side. I am getting the chance again to submit and to explore the feelings and emotions associated with that. I am also back to thinking about this lifestyle pretty much full time and to wondering what it would be like to live it much more.
Two weeks ago I met New Dom for the first time (not sure yet what I am going to call him here) and so far we have ‘played’ twice. But we have pretty much spoken, mainly on yahoo and in a chat room each day. I can see that is part of the need I have in a relationship. Something that was missing big time with S.
He and I spoke, mainly through Skype about once a week, sometimes the gap was longer. Looking back he was really only bothered with me when he wanted me to visit or had something specific he wanted to talk about. Our relationship was a friendship with sex at the end. The sex was kinky, and during it I called him Master, and he called me slut or whatever, but it was no longer a D/s relationship.
Now I want, no actually I need a D/s or even M/s relationship. I can see that I have a need to be submissive, and to serve someone in whatever way He and I decide. The key will be to finding the right relationship and it is highly likely that this will take some time. As I prepare to take the final steps around my marriage I am clear where I want to step next.
23rd February 2014
I am (still) going through some quite stressful times right now. There is the marriage thing which is going to take a while to resolve and I also have the responsibilities associated with parents who are not in the best of health. I have a demanding job, a son still at home and looking for a job. Essentially there are lots of people around me who demand a piece of me. My instinct is always to try to help everyone, to be there for them and to try to make things right for them. I think it was this desire that led me into nursing and essentially burnt me out and led me in to a management role.
This weekend, through discussions with my new Dom, Graeme, I have realised just how much I am struggling to cope with these demands. So I have decided that with His support I am going to try to be less reactive to demands from others. So, when like on Friday I receive an email that I instinctively decide must be dealt with there and then, I am going to take a step back and I am going to think about how the issue needs to be addressed. I am going to use Graeme as a sounding board for how to deal with issues and am not going to allow myself to take the potential problems of others onto my own back without good reason. This might mean that some people get a delayed response from me, or it might in the longer term mean I make some changes to the circle of people I remain involved with.
This is not about someone telling me to do something, this is about acknowledging that I can’t be all things to all people and that ultimately I need to consider myself first. Following this there are a few people around me who I love and care for and in whom I need to invest my energies. On the face of it, perhaps it seems that this has nothing to do with my submission, but on the contrary this is a step towards allowing someone else to be part of the important decisions I make and the way in which I deal with problems. It is a step towards giving control for some of this to another. It is an important stage of my journey.
10th March 2014
As i come up to 2 years since i started my journey, so the pace of change increases. There is so much more i want to experience from the S/m kind of perspective but at the moment i need to concentrate on the D/s.
This relationship is different in so many ways and to be honest it is less about what He makes me do and more about what i am exploring and finding out about myself. Well i say that, but of course he quietly and effectively gets me to do what i need. So who exactly knows what is about me and what is about him getting me to be a different kind of me.
Of course, this whole thing is coinciding with me making significant changes at home, but that not with standing, i am feeling so much more in control of my life and at the same time i give more of myself, hand over more control. I have made a few decisions today where i have in effect followed the path that we discussed. Rather than react, i have taken time and considered what i should do and then i have sought His approval and reassurance.
The scary thing is that not only does getting approval make me feel good about myself it also creates a sexual arousal that is hard to explain. At the same time, while i don’t understand this and in the past i would have sought to analyse, right now i am just happy to accept. Today, on March 10th 2014 i just feel happy with what i have.
16th March 2014
1st April will be the 2 year anniversary of the day that S and i started to chat online. At that time, i didn’t realise that this journey would be such a long one. Now i see that if i chose, this path could take the rest of my life.
Indeed when i stopped seeing S in Jan, i remember informing a Dom who approached me by email through Alt.com that i am fully trained and have little to learn. He was never going to be the right person for me, but how wrong can you be.
This week has been important. i have learnt that the mask i wear, the facade around me is as high as any wall can be. i have realised that this wall is beginning to fall down and that i am much more vulnerable than i every imagined. i have realised that the hurt i feel about the things that have happened in my marriage run really deeply. Plus i have realised that the relationship with S has also left me somewhat scarred.
Two years ago, i had read about submission and what i thought it meant to me. i knew i could relate to the ideals of it and i knew deep down it was for me. But it is only now realising the changes i have made already and will need to make in the future to reach that goal. the time with S was valuable to me, it helped me into a new world, and i found that sex was so so much more than i knew. i learned something of what it meant to be submissive, but it is only in the last 6 weeks or so i have begun to see the person i really can be.
Two years on from 1st April 2012 i am part of a relationship that is unconventional to say the least. i am seeing a man who is in a serious relationship with someone thousands of miles away. A real relationship. This means that not only am i thinking about giving up more control than i ever thought possible but also i seriously need to wonder about being part of a polyamourous relationship. This coming year i will end my marriage and will be exploring submission in a way i never imagined possible. This both scares me and excites me and at least for now, i have Graeme to support me.
4th April 2014
It is two years this week since i first chatted online with S and so, began my first D/s relationship, this journey and my blog. While i look back on that relationship with a mixture of pleasure and some pain (not all of it of the S/m kind), i will always be grateful to Him for awakening something buried deep within me.
Today i can without doubt say, i am a submissive and very proud to be so. It feels to me, that submission is at the core of who i am and when i am feeling the effect of that submission i feel complete. i believe this year, my third on this journey will be about finding the true nature of that submission and the extent to which i need it as part of my whole life. The past two months with Graeme has helped me explore the new sensations – physical and emotional.
Our first few play dates were about exploring my reactions to various physical stimuli and Him trying out His various toys on me. Then we moved onto a more sexual relationship and to the intimacy and sensations that went along with that. We have also spent time in each other’s company, chatting, going for meals, the cinema, away for a few days holiday. We have also spent time just being in each others company. i have found that silence, stillness and just being is also part of being me. Part of my submission. At the beginning of this journey, i named myself joolz for the purpose of this blog. It is a nickname some friends have for me. At the beginning Graeme remarked that joolz was the submissive alter ego of Julie. That seemed to be the case. But who knew that joolz also had an alter ego and that perhaps she was a midway point on the way to someone else.
The next part of the journey is towards ‘this girl’ this girl is more mindful of the needs of both herself and her Dominant. she is calmer, more measured. she looks to Him for the care and support she needs, she has given up control of many of the decisions of ordinary life and what is more she is happy to have done so. The next part of the journey for this girl is to trust Sir Graeme to lead her to a new sense of being. To explore how far her submission needs to go. This year i will be formally separating from hubby, this is going to be difficult, traumatic even. My father is very unwell and at some point in the coming months we will lose him.
The realities of Graeme’s other relationship will continue to cause stress. But there are so many positives to look forward to. this girl, supported by her Sir will move together on this road, to where, who knows?
16th April 2014
This post can’t be in the third person. It is about my marriage.
Today, I saw a solicitor about the practicalities of separation and divorce.
I have savings and no debt. He has debt and no savings. If I didn’t believe that my current journey to end this marriage was the right thing and if i was more materialistic then I would be seeking a reconciliation. I am not I have barely seen him all week and won’t see him now before Tuesday. While this is what I want, I also believe that if his words were the same as his rhetoric we might just be in a different place. I would rather be poor and happy than comfortable and miserable. That is the bottom line!
Essentially because of my redundancy last year I am in a pretty good financial state right now. Hubby and I have been married for a very long time and the gist is this:
- All we own together belongs to us jointly
- All that I received in severance for losing my job and hasn’t been spent so far belongs to us jointly
- All debt is equally shared
11th May 2014
Sir is away, which is giving me the time and space to reflect. What is more, it is making me reflect on the past 3 months, on his other relationship and on the future. It is making me question what I want and need in a different way than when I am with him.
We have seen each other pretty much every weekend and often days in between, since that first one at the beginning of February and we have had almost daily contact. I have always known that if I needed to contact him he would respond. This has been a new thing. I have never felt as needy as I do now, and I wonder what is it about my relationship with Him that is so different? Is it that the attraction is greater than I have known in a long time? Or is it that as I discover so much more of my submissive side, that I become more dependent?
I have always been fiercely independent. As a child I always wanted to do things for myself, and then for my siblings. I have always wanted and needed my own space and have often felt crowded if I can’t get it. But over the past few months I have felt something shift in me. A new need to be in the company of someone else. At the same time I have developed a way of not having to be my old self with that person. It feels natural to just be with Him, to lie beside Him, to cuddle up to Him, to sit with Him.
I have wondered over the past few days if I feel as I do about his trip because he is with another woman. Would I still feel like someone has taken part of me away if he were just visiting friends, or away on business? I guess it is hard to know since he is with her and will be doing things with her that he does with me. That he will probably be saying the things to her that he says to me. This is something I have never had to think about before, and it brings strange and uncomfortable feelings to the fore. I admit I am jealous and I am fearful. I worry that my position with him is under threat.
I worry that he will decide he no longer wants and needs me. I worry that I am stupid to have put myself in this position. It is hard to articulate these things, since I am the kind of person who always likes to give the impression that she is alright when she clearly is not. I am an independent person who knows my own mind. But I am a submissive and I am dependent. I want and need to be grown up about all of this. I am experiencing exactly what his slave has experienced since Sir and I started to see each other. I am keen not to react in the way that she has at times.
But that is difficult. If I see a comment written on Fetlife, as I did yesterday, I want to retaliate. I want to tell her that I don’t want my face rubbed in her happiness. But of course, after months without him, she deserves her happiness. So it is wrong of me not to just let it go.
I know that this is just a few weeks. That once He is home, I will have Him in person again. But What happens if and when she comes to live with Him? Will I want to let Him go? Will He force me to let Him go? This break wonders if I would be better placed to end things now? Would I feel less hurt that way? Of course, I know that I won’t do that, but I have been thinking that, wondering.
He tells me I shouldn’t worry about the future. I know that He is right. But it is hard not to and hard not to fear what it might bring.
23rd May 2014
This week could end up defining my submissive life as this girl moves forward. This girl feels there has been an internal shift inside of her, something to do with the way in which she is as a person and how she views herself. Something that is making her aware of her submission pretty much 24 hours a day. The feeling this gives this girl makes her feel somehow closer to Him.
On Monday this girl explained to Sir that she was becoming ever more mindful of how He would view situations that she was involved in but which He couldn’t see and wasn’t physically part of. She also said that at those times, she felt her submission was all encompassing. She also articulated that this felt a little scary. That this release of control, while something she wanted, was against all of her previous life experiences. Sir reassured her and when they parted this girl went to give Him the orgasm he had permitted her. This has been detailed here.
The next morning this girl felt somehow calmer, less frightened of what she needed to do and how she needed to be. All day as she walked around and managed situations she was ever mindful of Sir and felt his presence. In the afternoon this girl sat in what could have been a difficult meeting. She considered some of what was going on a waste of time and struggled to engage. However, rather than taking over as she might previously have done she just sat back and listened. Slowly the engagement came back but in a different way. She found that actually the meeting wasn’t a waste of time, but that she just needed to approach it differently. She smiled to herself as she realised she had used her submission to manage things. She knew that if she were to articulate events to Sir He would be pleased with her.
That evening this girl chatted online to Sir and during the course of the conversation, He articulated to her that He could feel the depth of her submission to Him. He read her blog, while they were chatting and remarked that a few weeks ago she had trouble calling Him Sir, and now was calling Him Master. At that moment, Sir became Master. This girl became Master’s girl, or as she is now marked, Master’s slut. This girl moved closer to slave.
26th May 2014
when I took this ok cupid test a year ago apparently this girl was servant, now this is what she is:
You scored 50% Humiliation, 54% Submissiveness, 85% Service, and 69% Pain!
You’re the slave, you scored high in both submissiveness and service, you probably want to be owned by someone, you feel the need to relinquish your power over to someone else and to service him. You are the ideal partner for 24/7 Owner/slave relationships, whether you like or deslike pain is a matter of taste, hence with humiliation, but I would bet that the chances are you enjoy them sometimes but the most important thing is whether your Dom will enjoy doing those thigns to you.
Good luck in finding your best relationship ?
If you enjoyed my test and you are a bi female why not hop over and do my other test? The BDSM threesome Test
Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)
- You scored 50% on Humiliation, higher than 69% of your peers.
- You scored 54% onSubmissiveness, higher than 35% of your peers.
- You scored 85% on Service, higher than 91% of your peers.
- You scored 69% on Pain, higher than 84% of your peers.
10th July 2014
This is where i am right now
21st September 2014
It is a long time since I updated this part of my blog. Indeed, since I have moved to this new place and think about the future as slave to my Master, I wonder if this page is necessary. The hope is that I will be able to blog freely, and that as such my journey will unfold in the main body of the site. I can see I will need to give some thoughts to this……