Surviving

For the first time in months I have paid work. This involves time spent in my office at home running a project. But also time spent some miles away, meeting with new people, asking questions and seeking answers. I only have a few weeks to get this element of the project done because we leave for France in just under 2 weeks. The work is not onerous and I am enjoying it. But I am tired and to be honest I am just surviving.

I guess months spent at home sitting about and then more recently getting myself more active haven’t quite prepared me. Writing frequent blog posts hasn’t helped my brain keep quite active enough, it seems. A few hours on Tuesday spent speaking on the phone and then a meeting in person left me with a headache. I am approaching the end of my working week, I am pretty shattered.

Am I really the same person who held down a pretty busy and responsible job a year ago? Did I really dash from meeting to meeting and then go out afterwards for the evening?

I know this is what I want to do, to work. I am doing something that I know and in a field where I am still respected. But it just shows how out of practice mind and body gets when you take a break.

Strangely I haven’t had the head space for blogging this week and was going to miss this Wicked Wednesday. But on checking the prompt I knew I would write. I’m surviving this first busy week and will also manage next week which will be a little more hectic. After that though there will be down time. There will also be the need to write up the project and of course there is money. I get paid for my first couple of days tomorrow.

Hopefully normal service will return to the blog in the next day of so and by next Wicked Wednesday I won’t just be hanging on in there.

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A guy I knew

While I have alluded to his presence in my life some years ago, I have never actually written about Kevin on my blog. When we met for the first time he was the first person I had met through the internet. He lived about an hour away and was around 10 years older than me. I had never travelled to meet a man before and wasn’t even sure why I was meeting this one. He turned out to be kind, gentle and a good listener.

Kevin was originally from the North of the country, a former teacher turned local politician. He was a committed socialist, our values were similar, though several degrees to the left of mine. Kevin was married, he said his wife was busy doing her own thing and that she had also strayed. He was looking for a bit of fun. I wasn’t sure what I was seeking, but for a while Kevin filled the gaps in my life.

Over the course of a couple of summers we met every few weeks, for lunch and then a kiss and a cuddle. This often took place in a field or wooded area in the countryside. He fancied me like mad and touched me a lot. He gave amazing orgasms both with his hands and tongue. I hadn’t experienced the like before. Recently diagnosed diabetes has rendered him impotent, so much so that he was unable to get and erection. So he made every encounter about me.

Gradually we drifted apart. He definitely had other women, given he accidentally sent me the wrong text more than once. Plus he worked / volunteered crazy hours as a local politician, especially during elections. Then I met S and I told Kevin that I thought it best we didn’t meet any more. He was gracious and we continued to text each other on birthdays and Christmas. But I didn’t see Kevin after summer 2012.

A year or so ago, a message appeared on facebook saying he had been diagnosed with cancer and was about to start treatment. He was a long term smoker, perhaps I wasn’t massively surprised by the news. I texted to send good wishes and then when I received my own diagnosis I texted again and we exchanged a few words of encouragement to each other. I never heard from him again.

This week I decided to drop him a line to check how he was. I didn’t receive a reply. Today I googled him and discovered he died at the beginning of May. He was well known in his home town and so I found details of the death, funeral and a memorial service in his honour. A public occasion attended by 500 people. clearly a testimony to the man he was.

Kevin was a guy I knew for a while. He was kind and funny, passionate and loving. I don’t know if his wife knew of the other women in his life, my husband at the time certainly didn’t know. I am proud to have known him and sad that this is the only place I can say goodbye to him.

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Being grateful for my mistakes

I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life, it would be difficult not to by my age. But I’m a little hard pressed to think of any that I really regret or that I’m not a little grateful for.

I was married at 21

I think that was probably a mistake. He was my first serious boyfriend and we did what everyone thought we should. My parents frowned on us living together first, and weren’t best pleased that we lived in our first house before the wedding. I remember telling a friend soon after the wedding that I had been in love with the wedding itself. That was probably a clear indicator.

I am thankful for being married to him though, because I have my son. He is now happily married himself and is his own person. He has some of his dads more cautious traits, which hopefully won’t hold him back. But I think he has the intelligence to work things out for himself.

I stayed in the marriage after being cheated on

That too was a mistake. I should have got out before I did and certainly after I found out what a lier he was. Indeed my ex often struggled to know what the truth was. Years later when he no longer needed to tell lies he still did so. It was bizarre.

But my life has been better for the fact that we did carry on together. More of our life was happy than not and I am grateful for those happy memories. In fact the bad times fade from memory now I have distance between us. Over the past year our relationship has improved and I don’t dislike him as I once did. I’m grateful he is someone else’s problem, but happy to be his kind of friend.

I’ve stayed in jobs too long

I probably could have progressed my career and climbed higher up the ladder. But actually I am grateful for the stability I have had in my life along with the work life balance. I was able to take my son to school, take time off for concerts and plays and be there when he needed me. Promotion might have given us more material things, but we were always reasonably comfortable. Plus I have never had to work all hours because it is expected of me (not since I left clinical practice anyway).

Sometimes I’ve put my trust in the wrong people

We probably all have. Like many people, I have told people deep and personal things only for them to ghost me. I have also had confidences broken. But from where I sit now, I have few regrets. Friends come and go in life and that has to be accepted. I am sad that some people have listened to the word of others over mine, but that is something we cannot control. Life is one long learning curve and I no longer bear a grudge.

I met Master at the right time

Master and I have spoken a lot about the what ifs. What if we had met sooner, perhaps had a child together. But the question is always whether we would have found each other and even then if we would have been attracted.

We are right together for this time in our life and I am grateful for that. There is no mistake in accepting that this is the life we have and I am grateful for mine.

#F4TFriday

F4TF – Room 101

Room 101

I have to admit that I haven’t read 1984 by George Orwell. But I do know that room 101 is the place where your greatest fear resides. I have though watched the TV programme of the same name and on that people banish things they really hate or fear.

My general fears

As I’ve got older I fear fewer every day things. There is nothing like going through experiences to make you face your fears – having a baby, losing a parent, getting cancer. Done those, got the T-shirt. Of course they were never things that filled my waking hours until I knew they were going to happen. But still they were fears all the same.

After my son was born and began to grow I had a fear that something would happen to him and I would be left childless again. This fear hasn’t really gone away, but now he is an adult I worry less. I fear me or Master developing a life limiting condition, particularly something neurological. Certainly, I fear cancer less than M.S or motor neurone disease from which my brother in law recently died. I worry too about dementia, especially that period of time when you have insight into what is happening. My nursing knowledge certainly doesn’t help allay my fears.

Sexual fears

I’m not even sure I have many real sexual fears any more. We have done so many things. I feared public play and taking my clothes off in public, but I’ve done both now.

I’m not overly keen on dildos being inserted inside my vagina, that’s because I had a weird experience with one a few years ago – I think it was the material the dildo was made of. I do have a fear of fisting, partly because I have a weird shaped vagina and don’t like it being overly stretched. Both things are likely connected.

Room 101

I don’t have anything specific to put into room 101 right now. There was a time when it would have been my ex, but relations with him have improved this past year. Plus he doesn’t keep bothering me like he used to.

I guess for me the thing I hate the most is people who judge others because they don’t act the way they want them to. Or because they believe there is only one way of doing things and we should all follow. Many politicians fit this category along with people in the D/s community who decide who fits and who doesn’t. People who judge on the basis of colour, sexuality, gender etc. Without all of those people the world would be a happier, safer and more enjoyable place.

#F4TFriday

Laughter and joy

There were times in my life when laughter didn’t come easily. I spent more time alone than I would care to and socialised less that I’d like. Times when words were spoken in resignation and anger than joy. Those days are thankfully past. Even if Master and I are having an off day, if we bicker or exchange hurtful words, I am secure in my relationship. I am happy and am able to laugh.

We find so much amuses us every day. Whether it’s something we have done, or forgotten to do. Or else an observation of something that amuses us. We laugh a lot, and if we have others to laugh with, then all the better. 

At the weekend we had the pleasure of spending time with @RebelsNotes and @MasterT. We met for drinks and followed up with dinner. It gave us the opportunity to get to know each other much better than is possible at an event like Eroticon. There was no shortage of happy conversation and much laughter.

The opportunity to make new friends is a rare thing for us. We do many things together as a couple, but often just the two of us. When we are in a group, say at a munch or event then discussion is often generalised and impersonal. But this was different, I was able to relax and get to know them and I hope the same was true for them. A particular moment of laughter came when I realised that I didn’t know which French port I had arrived in Europe to. A little embarrassing, but funny all the same. The fact that I was willing to laugh at myself with them was a sign I was relaxed in their company.

The four of us enjoyed a Japanese meal together and were able to try the different dishes together and to share. It was a most enjoyable and happy experience and a real highlight of our trip. I hope very much we can do it again sometime.

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Rituals


When I was thinking about writing this post, I told myself that I and we don’t do rituals. But of course, life is full of them. I have fewer now that I’m not working, but I am a creature of habit and tend to do things in the same way a lot of the time. For example I tend to shower in the same way, washing my hair first, applying conditioner and then leaving it on till I’ve washed. I always put my contact lenses in before cleaning my teeth but that has a lot to do with not wanting tooth paste in my eyes. Master has a similar routine, though his has more things involved and takes longer. If I’m in a hurry I always jump in the shower before him.


When it comes to life in general though, we don’t tend to go in for many rituals. We have a few rules that could be described as rituals, for example wearing a butt plug on set days. Sex and play contains the rituals of me describing myself in the third person, him calling me this girl, slut or whatever. I always ask for an orgasm, it’s a rule but a ritual too.


Master is much more structured in the way he does things in general than I am. He has suffered from OCD and has told me how he went through phases of having to check things multiple times. For him, rituals have often been no joke. Thankfully at the moment there is little sign of that at the moment, save for occasionally asking me if he locked the house or car door.


Now the structure of work is gone and we are free to do as we want when we want, we have been able to leave many rituals behind us. Things you have to do at certain times to make a company function. The need to get the same train to work, to walk the same route from the station, take lunch at the same time etc.
So, while some rituals are part of routine life and others are in place because we choose them I am happy to say that we keep our ritualised life to a minimum. We like spontaneity too.

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Friends

On the surface I appear to be able to make friends easily, but those friendships are often superficial. I don’t have a special person I have known for ever that I can confide in. Nor do I have what might be described as a ‘bestie’. I know lots of people and sometimes I meet up or go out with one or more of them. But I can honestly say I am not really close with any of them.

This doesn’t necessarily upset or worry me. This was obviously how it was meant to be. It is partly down to the lack of time I have invested in friendship, but then it does take two. I don’t seem to have been the kind of person others wanted to invest in me as a friend. Facebook has been useful in reigniting longstanding friendships, but hasn’t made me any closer to those people. But that feels fine. We can observe each others lives and offer support and encouragement. In some cases I have made online friends who, although we haven’t met in person, feel as close as those I just don’t see anymore.

This blog has introduced me to a whole load of new people, some of whom are now more than acquaintances. We have something significant in common with each other in a way that I didn’t always feel at school or work. We share intimate parts of our lives and relationships with each other, something I haven’t done with many other people.

I have now met a reasonable number of fellow bloggers and others at Eroticon and can see some of those relationships developing over time. We also attend Munch’s and events locally and have hit it off with a number of people.

I don’t feel the need to invite those people around for dinner, go Christmas shopping or on holiday with them. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t friends and a few will stay the course.

I can honestly say I haven’t fallen out with many friends over the years and I am still on good terms with those I interact with. Instead I have the love of Master and my family and a few friends I would go to if I needed them. And anyway, I live with the man who is the best friend I have ever had.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Unmentionable

I think I have mentioned before that I am a member of a facebook group for people with or who have had breast cancer. It is a place where people support each other through treatment and recovery, recurrence and general daily life. People who are struggling with problems they can’t speak to loved ones about. Of course, there are positive posts too, news of a wedding, baby, new house, new relationship. One thing has struck me though. While people will happily describe the symptoms of their cancer or side effects of treatment in graphic detail, often including photos. They skirt around sex and relationships in the most interesting way. Breast cancer can play havoc with your sex life. But sadly it seems that the word sex is pretty much unmentionable.

Sex as a taboo subject

I wonder how many people talk to their friends about their sex lives. It is easy to sit here as part of a sex blogging community and imagine that every one does it. But in reality they don’t. Indeed I don’t discuss my sex life with people I know, but then I also don’t have a close friend to confide in. But if I did, would I? This spot on the internet is a safe place, most of us are anonymous to a greater or lesser degree. I find it much easier to describe my most intimate moments on my blog than to describe them in public.

But I have no qualms about using the actual words for what I am trying to say. I wouldn’t act like some 70’s sitcom cast member and wink or blush if I needed to say the word sex. I prefer to use proper anatomical names rather than a euphemism. And certainly if someone asks a question on an online forum then I am going to answer with reference to the actual word.

I actually think the lady was brave to raise an unmentionable topic

Even though she referred to sex as ‘being intimate’. Indeed she might not have meant sex, she may have meant that she didn’t want her partner to see her naked. But unfortunately everyone who responded skirted around the topic in the same way she had. Mentioning relationship issues and the fact that the tablets they were taking had stopped them feeling like letting their partner close.

Further conversation though identified her actual issue. She was frightened that if she became aroused and orgasmed then the hormones would make her cancer worse. This is because like mine, her cancer is hormone dependent. So she had put 2 and 2 together and made 22.

I and another lady were able to reassure her that the hormones we produce during sexual pleasure will not affect or cause breast cancer. But I wonder why it is left to an online forum of peers to impart this information. It does feel like a reasonable assumption to make when people vaguely refer to hormones.

Mentioning the unmentionable

Sex is such a difficult topic to raise as a patient. In the mix of surgery, treatment options and general issues of body image, sex is pretty much no where. As a nurse I found it a challenge to discuss with my patients too, though I did. In my last clinical role, I worked with people with rheumatoid arthritis, often with young women. Being able to find a comfortable position, dealing with the side effects of treatment and general tiredness and pain were all factors. So I made myself ask the unmentionable questions, even though I’d really rather have not.

Society in general would rather people didn’t mention sex or their sex lives. But if we are to move away from sex as taboo we need to start somewhere. I guess an online forum for people with breast cancer is as good a place as any to start.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Elaborate – Menopause take 2

I have mostly just mentioned my menopause in passing. There certainly aren’t many times when I have tagged the word. But this post makes reference. This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt asks us to elaborate on a story or blog post from before. My Wicked Wednesday then is about my experience of the menopause first time around and how it feels to be going through many of the symptoms again.

First time

I was approaching my 50th birthday when the first signs appeared. Hot flashes and night sweats were the main symptoms. Of course, my age told me exactly what was happening. I was reluctant to see the doctor and ask for HRT straight away. Firstly I thought I should see how things panned out, but also at the back of the mind were thoughts about links to breast cancer.

Almost immediately my periods stopped. Dead. Just like that. To be frank, that was something of a relief. Already they had reduced down to a day or so, though had remained regular. One day though, I had a period and never had one again. But I continued to suffer from PMT for a while longer, until that too disappeared. So far so good.

The main issue really was the number of hot flashes I experienced in any day. Plus the fact they came on rapidly as soon as I was under the slightest pressure. That might be a meeting, but equally could be when my boss approached me for a report. I didn’t even have to be particularly anxious for one to descend. Then there were the ones at other times, in the shower, eating dinner, just minding my business watching TV. But at least they weren’t keeping me awake.

At night I would struggle to sleep, then as soon as I drifted off, I’d wake with perspiration dripping off me. I got myself something called a cool pillow which worked, but wasn’t comfortable for sleeping. Looking back I managed with broken sleep most nights for months and months. If a baby had come along unexpectedly, I’d have been ready! But there was also the vaginal dryness and pain when having sex I’ve spoken of before and will link to when I find the posts.

Gradually over the past 18 months though the symptoms disappeared, or certainly were too infrequent to worry about. Then I got breast cancer.

Menopause take two

My breast cancer was hormone, especially oestrogen dependent. I had assumed that being post menopausal and no longer menstruating that I would no longer produce oestrogen. That wasn’t the case and while levels are lower, women continue to produce the hormone after the menopause.

So once I had recovered from surgery I was started on a tablet called Letrozole designed to completely stop the production of oestrogen and so prevent a recurrence of the tumour. These tablets have many potential side effects, including joint pains. Thankfully for me the effects are restricted to menopause type symptoms.

This time round the hot flashes and night sweats are pretty mild. I have noticed I feel hotter in general than I used to and prefer to be too cool than too hot. I have a low threshold for taking my coat off when in a shop or coffee shop for example. The feeling of being overheated is very unpleasant. I don’t get as many hot flashes as I did in the midst of the menopause but enough to be annoying. And while I don’t wake up with a soaking pillow, I do find myself outside of the covers more than I am under neath them.

Of course it is a small price to pay and I would rather do all I can to minimise the risk of recurrence. But that doesn’t mean these symptoms aren’t irritating and sometimes embarrassing. But, oh well. Menopause take two it is.

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Nipples

IMG_3012 (1)

It wouldn’t be right to write a whole series of posts related to my blogging history without mentioning my breasts or nipples. They have been an important element of my kinky life and our relationship. And it would be wrong too, not to mention that since  October 2018, I only have one of each. 

Nipples in sex and foreplay

My nipples were always sensitive and an important area of foreplay for me. I love having my nipples sucked and played with. Feeling the vibrations from the magic wand or the electricity of the violet wand.

In the early days with S I experimented using pegs on my nipples while he and I had phone sex. Nipple clamps were one of the first bits of equipment he bought to try on me. So when I met Master, I was more than ready for a greater level of torture.

S and I discussed me getting my nipples pierced. But that didn’t happen until soon after I got together with Master. I hadn’t felt right before, and anyway the relationship with S became more of a friends with benefits one. But when Master suggested it, I knew I wanted to do it.

Pierced nipples

We had only known each other for 2 months, but things were moving fast. He loved the idea of me modifying my body for him. And although I wanted to do so, it was something I really wanted for myself. So in April 2014, he came with me to the piercer and I had my nipples and clitoral hood pierced. 

Having my nipples pierced only heightened the sensations I felt when they were touched, pulled or sucked. I bought pretty jewellery and later Master bought me a nipple extender – a vicious but spookily enjoyable experience. But, I didn’t always find my nipple piercings easy to manage. Often the jewellery made them sore and so for long periods of time, I tended to leave the same bar or ring in place. Interestingly the right was often more troublesome and often oozed serous fluid. The histology report from my mastectomy said that the nipple was chronically inflamed. 

Post Mastectomy nipple

I think that the worst thing about the mastectomy is not the loss of breast tissue, but of my nipple. I am planning a reconstruction, but any nipple won’t be real, it will have to be a tattoo. 

Of course, though, I still have a nipple and a breast. Somehow it doesn’t quite feel the same. I seem to have lost some of the connection it previously had with arousal and my clitoris. This may be psychological as when Master is playing with it, or sucking it I am often thinking of the lost right one. It may then be about time and finding a new normal. It has only been 6 months and the mind takes longer to heal than the body.

That isn’t to say I don’t want my nipple pinched and squeezed. I do. I am still pierced and do plan new jewellery soon. It’s just that coming to terms with only having one nipple is taking longer than I imagined it would. 

AtoZ2019N

 

 

 

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked