Thoughts on intimacy

While reading this post by May yesterday it struck me that there was a time when I hated intimacy. The reasons for these feelings differ between us, experiences in childhood and young adulthood are important. Being cheated on so early in my marriage had a profound affect on me. Over time, I learned to bury the hurt and pain, to bury my feelings. I guess I came across as cold and unresponsive. He told me I was frigid, so I know that was the case.

Sex during my marriage

Was perfunctory and was often just sex. I’ve said before that he was a man who could complete foreplay and PIV sex in during a commercial break. But to be fair to him, I was often ok with that. I’d hang around in the bedroom for a while and bang out an orgasm. Or else wait till he was asleep and find my rabbit. I actually didn’t want him to be intimate with me, to stroke and touch.

It’s strange, because we didn’t have full sex for quite a time after we met. But there was a lot of intimacy – a lot of foreplay (without the sex), we always sat close together and touched and kissed a lot. And then gradually that didn’t happen any more, but the catalyst for that was his affair. Don’t get me wrong we had our moments, but I think alcohol played quite a part in getting me to relax my guard.

Meeting S

This was a pretty transactional relationship looking back. I was his bedroom submissive, I dressed up and got off on some humiliation and degradation. In return we had some very good sex and through that I discovered I was in no way frigid. The play and the sex were fairly unemotional. But there was a lot of intimacy before and after. My husband rarely cooked a meal and being presented with breakfast after an early start and long drive was amazing. Picnics in bed were also a fun and intimate thing. But also there was aftercare of the physical kind – stroking, kissing and just generally being.

But then it was time to leave and I often didn’t hear from him for days or even weeks. To begin with that hurt, but over time I accepted that it wasn’t a love affair and took from it what I needed.

The intimacy of us

This relationship, with Master gives me everything I didn’t realise I needed until I had it. I’ve written before about the importance of touch between us. The intimacy is just there. If my husband came up to me and put his hands on my waist, then grabbed a tit I’d swat him away. Because there was a motive. With Master, there could be motive, but in general he is touching me because he desires me and just wants to touch me.

The stroking and holding takes place before during and after sex. During play he is constantly seeking to check I am ok and to let me know that he desires me. He also wants to know that I am aroused by the things he is doing.

As mentioned in the post – The touch of our hands – he didn’t always enjoy being touched. Now though he actively seeks my hands on his body. We approach each other regularly and just kiss gently on the lips. We don’t always hold hands when out, but sometimes, often late at night we do and it feels just right.

In many ways I feel I’ve come full circle. That I didn’t actually know what I needed till I didn’t have it. Didn’t know what to expect or to ask for. But, you know what? It’s never to late to find out what you need and perhaps to get it.

Click below for the thoughts of others on the topic of intimacy

Click below to see who else is participating in January Jumpstart.

Determining priorities

I’ve written a bit about the pressures I felt were on me in the run up to Christmas. I have loved family Christmas’ in the past and mourn their passing. Well, I thought I did. Because this festive period taught me that I need to be clearer about what is important and necessary and what would be nice. I also realised in my end of year reflections the extent to which I have started to revert to type. That is, trying to organise everyone and then being upset when everyone doesn’t welcome my efforts.

Master and I have spent far too much time over the past two weeks discussing what happened and what was wrong with it. For him, the priority is to be as stress free as possible. He says he hates Christmas, I don’t actually think he does. What he really dislikes is conforming to expectations, spending too much money, watching crap TV and over eating. All of which are symptoms of this time of year. He has no objection to spending time with others (i.e. my family members), but he wants to be in control of who, for how long and when.

These events now make me think of the rest of the year. How do we determine where our priorities lie and how do we ensure that we do what we want. We plan to focus much of this year around the knowledge I should have reconstruction surgery in the second part of the year. So we are thinking about what events we will attend, trips and holidays we will take and who else we need to consider in those plans. But those plans will only be for the first half of the year, until around July.

We’ve been fortunate since I gave up work, that we can be flexible with dates. Also that we are able to do so many things we want to do. We don’t have other dependents, though our priorities need to include others. Master, quite rightly wants to see his daughter more often than of late. Likewise I want to spend time with my son and daughter in law. Perhaps in past years we have prioritised ourselves. Plus of course in 2018 I was preparing to move, working my notice and getting diagnosed with breast cancer.

What I’ve come to realise is that getting my priorities wrong leads to anxiety and stress not only in me but in Master. By choice our life together is busy and because of that we need to build in down time and plenty of it. Time when we may be doing things together, but equally where we have our own priorities. We both like to spend time alone even if we are in the same house, or sometimes even the same room.

This needs to be factored in when we go and visit others. We spent two nights at my mum’s followed by one in a hotel. The two nights with mum were in hindsight a mistake. We struggled to escape from her misery, the TV and her smoking. The night in the hotel was bliss. But it wasn’t alone time, far from it. Instead we lunched with my son and daughter in law and spent the evening with her family.

Although I’ve used Christmas as the example here, this is about a much bigger issue. It’s about balancing my and our needs with those of others. And it is about planning how we better manage times that could prove stressful. I guess you could say that a plan is forming to make sure that happens.

January Jumpstart – More goals for 2020

For the second year Violet Fawkes is running a month long meme – January Jumpstart. Designed to get the blogging year off to a flying start with 31 posts in 31 days. This year January looks pretty quiet and I’m keen to get writing so I’m joining in.

There are a couple of goals that I left off of my post yesterday and which I want to write about. These are personal things that are not related to my blog or to writing but which I am bound to write about.

Legal issues

The first is that I am still married and that we are living in Master’s house. That I currently have no financial stability and if something should happen to him I would be looking for a new home. Also that my (still) husband lives in a house that is jointly owned by he and his partner. But if anything should happen to him, then that half a house would become mine again. So the key personal goal for this year is to sort out this legal and financial situation.

I had planned to divorce last year and did start the online process. But with other stuff going on it wasn’t a priority. Now though I feel I must get on with divorce and we must have wills to make sure everyone knows where they stand.

I never thought I’d want to marry again, but actually I would really quite like that. But you can’t marry if you are already married to someone else. So, into my planner all of this goes.

Money

Most of the proceeds of the sale of my half of our marital home is tied up and doing nicely in my share portfolio. Master is managing that for me and all is well. I receive a monthly NHS pension which should be enough to live on and is. But it doesn’t really allow for much in the way of luxuries, holidays etc. So I need to supplement it. I still have a reasonable amount of savings other than mentioned above, but I need to build them up again. I managed to spend quite a bit during last year.

So, I need to find some interim work for the first half of this year. Resend my CV to a few agencies and chase some contacts. This is on top of any small amount of money I might be able to earn through my blogging and writing.

So, these are my specific personal goals for 2020 and are added to those I mentioned in my last post. They aren’t New Year resolutions but actual things that really need to be done. And that’s me for January 1st 2020.

Indulgence, vice and all things nice

Key lime pie

It’s catchup week on Food 4 Thought and what better time to think about these things than at Christmas. A time of indulgence, being a bit naughty and doing nice things. The worst of this year’s Christmas indulgence is behind me as I write this. But, that means I have the opportunity to think ahead.

Indulgence

I’ve been eating things that I had excluded from my diet (chocolate, pastry, the key lime pie I ate on Christmas Eve). I’ve been drinking a little too much alcohol for a couple of weeks now (since our trip to Amsterdam). I’m an all or nothing person when it comes to those kinds of indulgences. But actually it’s all part of living life to the full while trying to make more health choices.

Staying with my mum wasn’t an indulgence of any kind. She refuses to moderate her smoking habit in our presence, insists on watching rubbish on TV and picks a fight if and when she can. So, that meant that when we arrived at our hotel just and hour away, on Boxing Day afternoon I embraced the atmosphere. It wasn’t anywhere special, just comfortable, relaxed and friendly. Everything we had been missing over the previous two. We had already had an early lunch with my son and his wife and now had some down time. We could have headed to the room and slept or maybe indulged in some sex. But no, we just relaxed in the bar and enjoyed our own company and the enjoyment of those around us.

Later we walked to my daughter in law’s parents house and were warmly welcomed. They were fabulous hosts and we had an amazing time. All of my stresses of the previous 5 days or so were swept away.

That night as I lay in bed, it occurred to me that you don’t need to spend lots of money or be somewhere luxurious to feel indulged. Plus that one good day can help undo many bad ones.

Vice

Goodness we’ve had some great fun this year. We’ve stayed in a couple of kinky B&B places (in the UK and in Amsterdam). We’ve been to club events and we’ve made some new kinky friends. We also attended Eroticon and were able to meet up with many more people from the blog and twitter world. I’ll write more about that in a separate post.

We have great naughty stuff to look forward to too. A different club to attend in January – it’s time to spread our BDSM kink wings this year. Hopefully there’ll be more play times both at home and with our new friends. There’s Eroticon to look forward to in just under 3 months, something I’m really looking forward to.

Plus, there will hopefully be new and different experiences that I don’t even know about yet. That’s the nature of things round here, I often don’t even know what’s going to happen until it actually has.

Nice things

Master has a big birthday coming up at the end of March. He’s still deciding where to go to celebrate. I’m hoping for warm weather, but will be happy with wherever he choses. We are also thinking ahead to the summer holidays and Spain and France (different route and different cities to this year).

I have a new planner that I am going to break out perhaps later today. My mind is swirling with ideas for this blog and my new one.

Yes folks I have a new, vanilla blog. It’s about my need and desire to get fitter and healthier in 2020. It’s also about all things physical and mental health for anyone who’s interested. I’m going to be inviting guest bloggers, linking and ideas from those around me (that means you if you are reading this). It won’t be about telling others what they should do, but about creating a safe and healthy space to share ideas. The link will go up here very soon.

As for this blog, well a new image is overdue. Plus some goals for what I write and how I respond to others.

I’m hoping to get some paid work soon too, because you can’t continue to do new things without money. While most of that will be in my vanilla world. I am definitely going to take the plunge and start pithing my writing. It is time to make my Smutlancer membership pay.

I’m not sure if the planned surgery is a nice thing or not. Losing the weight I need to get that far will be. After recovery and being able to wear clothes with a more plunging neckline will be too.

So, on that positive note, I’m signing off. But don’t go away, there’ll be more here and elsewhere very soon!

F4Thought

Christmas stresses

The run up to Christmas has been a little fraught. It shouldn’t have been, but a series of events at the weekend seem to have sent me off kilter. So much so that I am really not looking forward to the journey to my mum’s later today. I truly wish we were staying at home. However we must go and spend two nights with her, even though she won’t be at all grateful. What’s more she will probably spend most her waking hours watching TV. Something she never did in the past. So, back to the series of events.

Friday

We went into London and saw a film. It was a Danish film, Ordet (The Word), made in 1955. It is very well made and obviously subtitled. But it was really quite harrowing and very moving. A woman dies following childbirth and is subsequently resurrected by her brother in law who believes himself to be Jesus Christ. At the time I wondered if this was a suitable and fitting film so close to Christmas, but on reflection it probably was. Since it is about the small mindedness of people and the way in which we disregard people we believe to be mad. I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

Saturday

We arrived home late on Friday night, but I slept well. I was up early on Saturday morning and set off to my mum’s at about 10. She has been completely disinterested in Christmas this year. I’ve found her irritating, though I know she is down because of a fall she had a few weeks ago. This resulted in a leg ulcer which the nurse at the GP surgery has been dressing. Thankfully it is healing, but she has been very miserable about it. Worried I would be late, I didn’t stop off to pick up the parcel I needed to collect from the post office. Instead I headed straight onto the motorway.

Traffic was quite heavy, the road was wet though it was a sunny morning. It had obviously rained a lot over night. People were driving erratically, speeding up and slowing down and changing lane – a lot!. Only 20 minutes into my journey the cars ahead of me slowed and then the one in front stopped. I was in the outside lane of a busy motorway, driving at about 50 mph. But I stopped and didn’t hit the car in front. Unfortunately the car behind me hit me and then behind us was absolute carnage. Thankfully no one hit the car that hit me, but behind people crashed into each other at an alarming rate. I looked back with horror that I had caused it all. Though of course I hadn’t. Thankfully no one was badly hurt or killed, we all had an amazingly lucky escape.

My mum was very understanding that I needed to turn round and go home. I felt nervous just driving those few miles. The car is drivable but damaged quite badly at the back. So of course there was the insurance company to call etc. Later I called mum and said Master and I would travel there for the day on Sunday, get the shopping and take her out for some dinner. She didn’t sound happy, but accepted it.

In the evening we went to our local pub. They had an older couple running a disco, of old favourites. We got up to dance and had a fabulous time. Unfortunately someone dropped some of their drink on the floor and next thing I was on my backside. I had bashed my knee and almost did the splits. Still, no massive damage I thought and we walked home.

Sunday

I woke realising that I probably should have put an ice pack on my knee before going to bed. It was really painful and swollen. However I can walk on it and I don’t think it’s anything serious. It still hurts but is getting better each day now.

We set off for Mum’s in good time to get to the shops etc (Master drove). But for some reason I didn’t realise that they would all close at 4pm (usual Sunday trading times). We got to her in good time, but she was watching an old film. I tried a couple of times to get her to go out before the end of the film, she was recording it on her sky box anyway. At one point during that hour, she stated that she has little interest in Christmas this year!.

Anyway by the time we got out of the house and to the supermarket it was closing in 5 minutes. So we went and had dinner early. Then we went back to her place, I wrapped up some of the presents I had bought for her to give to other people. Then we left. I don’t begrudge seeking her, but neither of us were happy that we had travelled 4 hours (there and back) for a rather substandard meal out and everything still to do on Monday.

We did have a lovely bath together after we went home which was great for my sore knee.

Monday

We went out in the morning to buy presents for my 5 nephews and nieces on my mums behalf. We then bought all the food to take to her place. Unable to find some of the items I wanted in our local supermarket we then walked back down into town. Probably not the best thing for my knee, but it felt par for the course.

Tuesday (Christmas Eve)

I feel better for writing this quite whiny post. I’ve collected my brother’s present from the post office (see Saturday). The car in booked in to be repaired on Monday next week and I’ll have a hire car.

Sitting here writing this I feel grateful that I am going to be able to see my mum and other family. I have a day with my son and daughter in law to look forward to on Thursday and of course Master and I will be together. The events on Saturday could so easily have changed everything.

But I do hope my mum cheers up today (she has some grandchildren visiting this afternoon). Because I really want to be happy and not miserable myself.

Next year, I would like to go away. Let’s see what happens.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Control

Sometimes not being in control is the most beautiful thing in the world

This week’s Tell me about prompt is Control. This is a topic I’ve written about a lot and the fact that Master has control over me is fundamental to us and our relationship. Looking back to the beginning of our relationship, that has always been the case. It is what attracted us to each other and what sustains us. This post was written a little more than a month after we started setting each other.

Control in daily life

In the post I talk about the first day we went out together without me knowing our destination. He told me to trust him and just go with the flow. At the time I was almost control freakish about my life. Planning was a priority, so there would be no unexpected events. Getting on a train and then bus with no idea of a final destination? Who does that? Later we moved on to him choosing food and wine for us both. Then in June of that year he booked a short break for us and for the first time win my adult life I didn’t know where we were going. Actually I had to pick one of three destinations he had written down but, then Master booked flights and hotels. This is the way he tends to organise our trips away even now.

Because we are together all of the time there are fewer surprises than during those early days. Plus, I tend to choose my own meals when we are out these days, plus collaborate on tapas style food. But I don’t tend to know what wine is arriving. When we are out on public transport Master holds the tickets, though in London I use my own card for contactless payments. He books theatre and exhibitions and the first I know is a diary invite. Though that doesn’t mean I can’t request something we might do. For example we recently saw the new Mary Poppins musical which I read about first.

These are small subtle ways in which control is maintained in everyday life. In bed though it is more overt.

Control in the bedroom and playroom

I am Master’s slave, his sex toy and play thing. I am always submissive in those situations and he is always my dominant. No one seeing us would mistake that fact. If I fight my submission in other parts of my life, this is one that I really don’t. I have gladly given up control of my orgasms and indeed my limits to Him, my Master. His control there is absolute. However that doesn’t mean I’m not a bit of a brat at times, trying to top from the bottom. But in the end, he has the control and that’s the way we both like it.

I’ve never been very good at leading during sex (though I have no problems in other areas of life). So, being able to handover decisions about how a sex or play session will go appeals. Luckily he usually has a clear idea of what he wants and expects from me and I am usually a willing participant.

The lives of others

I have no desire to be involved in controlling the lives of other people. I’m done with doing a job where I had to manage petiole and make decisions affecting them. I’m happy to no longer be married to a man who needed me to tell him what to do and where to be all the time. My son is grown up and married and while I might guide and advise, I don’t seek to control. My mum needs a certain level of support, but isn’t one to listen much to the advice of others, even when she should.

So, right now the level of control in my life is just where I want it. I hope it continues.

tellmeabout

Freedom

This weeks F4T prompt is freedom. You would imagine that as a slave in a M/s relationship, my freedom would be limited in some way. But actually I feel more at liberty to do the things I want to do than at any point in my adult life. That’s partly because I have fewer responsibilities. But also because I feel safe and secure in my relationship. I have freedom to express myself, both here on this blog and also with Master.

The responsibilities of life

We all have to act within certain rules in life. No one is free to do as they wish – there are laws, moral codes and organisational rules. But while some people manage to exercise the freedom to be themselves within those confines, others feel constrained. For a long time I felt like that, even though I had a lot of freedom. I had a husband and son to care for (and the husband wasn’t low maintenance), a job and wider family. But still I had opportunities to go out with friends, read, study and shop for myself. However I felt trapped, unable to express myself, to be the person I wanted to be. Trouble was, I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Just not what I had.

For years and years I did nothing about it. I went to work, out with my husband, saw family and cared for my son. I was known for taking my nephews and nieces out for days and even on holiday. We were always doing something for someone and usually the main driver was me. I was my own worst enemy. But keeping my head down and getting on with it felt like the best approach, then I didn’t need to think about my own needs and desires. However that approach was not sustainable, not from anyway.

Breaking free

The life I have now has taken many years to achieve. One of the problems was I didn’t actually have a goal. Instead I just followed my heart and body. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with this, but if I’d had a plan the journey may have been smoother.

Fear of making mistakes and of what others would think of me held me back. It stopped me seeking help when I needed it and made me internalise my problems.

I really don’t recommend cheating on your partner. But in the end it was the catalyst for working out what I wanted and needed. I was lucky that along the way I met someone that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with.

The by product is that my ex is also happier with his new partner. For a long time he denied it, since he claimed to still love me. But when I see him now I know that his new lady provides all of the things I detested. In particular she is better at mothering him. I always said that I had one child and didn’t need him to become another. Plus at the time he had a mother.

My blog

It’s strange that writing a sex and relationship based blog can provide freedom. But it does, and in a way that my previous work related one never could. Both were anonymous, at least to begin with. But I feared being outed and sacked for writing about the health service then I have writing about sex and BDSM.

This blog has evolved over time. I always wrote about my relationships including the break up of my marriage. But over the past couple of years I have felt more freedom to write anything. Though all of my posts are personal in some way, even the fiction. That’s why I decided to write about my cancer and also the reason there will be more posts about my diet and fitness. Now I am not working I have more time to be creative, and the freedom to do so. Trouble is words don’t automatically flow just because we want them to.

I love to write about the fun, BDSM related things we do. The new toys we try and the way in which we push our relationship and dynamic. I want to develop this blog, make it more dynamic. I want to write on a wider range of topics.

Master told me at the beginning of our relationship that he liked my blog and loved to read it. He told me that I would always have freedom to write as I wanted and I took this at face value. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider him and his feelings when I write. I’m not completely gungho. But my freedom to write and create is never restricted by him.

Freedom to be a submissive

In my former life I both loved and hated being free to make decisions. I was able to make them but grew weary from doing it. What to eat, where to go, work decisions, relationship decisions. It just went on and on. So to be given the opportunity to give up making some decisions has given me more freedom.

I don’t like being told what to do in all situations. But I do love it in the bedroom, during play and also in our wider life. Before I acted alone and didn’t consult because my ex was terrible at making decisions. But now I discuss everything and am happy for advice, a push or even for Master to decide for me (depending on what is required).

Being his submissive has made me happy and it has also given me more freedom to be myself than I new possible.

F4Thought

The ceremonies of life

When I was slimmer my collar was a little big. I’d be happy if it was like this again!

Christenings, weddings, funerals and graduations have all been the ceremonies of my life. Christmas, even though I don’t go to church is a ceremony of its own. Over the years I’ve enjoyed them all. I still look back with fondness to my own wedding. I loved the day, being centre of attention. happy and in love. Marriage was much less fun than planning the wedding and living through the day.

Formal ceremonies

My favourite ceremonies with and for others though have been the ones involving my son. His christening at 6 months old, cute in his sailor suit. Family enjoying a sunny September afternoon in our garden. His school events, plays, nativity, fetes they were all ceremonial in their own way. The graduation – my son all grown up and smart in his gown, on the cusp of proper adult life. Then last Christmas his wedding. A really small and intimate affair, so different from my nuptials. A day though filled with laughter and a bride and groom who did things their own way. I loved every minute of that as much, if not more than my own.

His wedding allows me to concentrate on myself and my life with Master. I feel that the wedding ceremony is part of a bigger event. That he is now part of a new family, his own. One that will grow as, hopefully they have children in the future.

Collaring

This was a ceremony I didn’t expect to write about. But on the day that Master collared me, his slave I committed to him. Though this was not in front of other people. to bear witness, we made vows to live our lives in a certain way. I agreed to wear his collar, to be obedient and to provide service. In return he agreed to care for me and to be the best owner he could be.

4 years later and we have pretty much stuck to the vows we made to each other that night. Until I had surgery and then radiotherapy, I had rarely removed my collar. That titanium ring means as much to me as the ring I wore on my finger before.

However I do have the urge for another ceremony. I would like to affirm our commitment to each other in public, in front of my son, his wife and other very close family. But first I need to get round to divorce, get myself a new boob and make some plans. But it is something that hopefully we will do.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

A road not taken

Two country paths, which way to take?

This week’s Food for Thought poses some questions about the choices we have made in life: How many times have you found yourself at a junction in your life?; What helped you choose the road/door you decided on?; Do you ever think about what you would be doing if you had chosen the other path?; Tell us about that other you who picked the other route.

A Junction in my life

The biggest was when I discovered my husband was having an affair. The signs had been there previously, though I had chosen to ignore them. To believe in the obvious lies he told. We had been married for around 8 years and my son was a toddler.

I was ironing in my dining room one Saturday afternoon when a woman turned up at the door and told me she was engaged to my husband. She had little time to lay out her accusations before he arrived and bundled her out. She sent me a very long letter the following week detailing all of the times they had been together and with photos to prove it. Around the same time divorce papers arrived.

What should I do?

I was a mess. Crying and barely able to function. He told me that the other woman was manipulative and that she wouldn’t let him go (they were work colleagues). He told me that it was partly my fault as I hardly ever wanted sex and indeed was frigid. Therefore he had strayed.

For pretty much the first time in my life I felt unable to go to work. I didn’t want to face people, couldn’t bare having to be strong and capable. I was a district nurse at the time and needed to be able to make decisions to care and to be the boss. This was something I couldn’t do and so I saw my GP and got signed off for 2 weeks. I also told a friend who had been through something similar.

Two weeks doesn’t sound long. But actually I made my decision during that time and tried to move on. I could see no way of being a single parent. I was physically and emotionally able but I hated the idea of people thinking badly of me. But also I worried that I would be unable to cope financially.

Even more than that though I loved my husband. Hated the thought of someone else having him and so decided to fight to keep him.

What would I be doing now?

That is a difficult thing to know. In hindsight I would have saved myself one hell of a lot of heartache. Instead of dealing with the issues at the time we buried them and tried to pretend nothing was wrong. Their relationship continued though he said it didn’t. But eventually I had him to myself and in reality she should have been welcome to him.

I think if I had kicked him out I would have managed. I’m sure people would have rallied around me, but my problem was I hated showing signs of weakness.

I probably would have explored other relationships sooner, but without the need to betray his trust too. My son would have got used to the idea of his dad and I being apart and wouldn’t have felt the effects in his early 20’s.

Of course I might never have met Master because I might not have been looking online when I did. Though there is always the chance our paths might have crossed sooner.

With another man I might have had another child. There were trust issues that prevented that happening with my husband.

The other me

Well, the other me is who I am now. It’s difficult to know if I would have got to this place sooner if our marriage had ended then. I would like to think that the other me would discover her submissive self sooner and find fulfilment with her Master. That there would have been more years together than there can ever be. But to be honest I am the person I am because of the things that happened. And as I said last week: je ne regrette rein!

Photograph: David Robinson

F4Thought

Relationships

I’ve been thinking about the different relationships I have had in my life. That I don’t make friends easily and that those relationships often haven’t endured on more than a superficial level. I had few boyfriends before my husband, but then we started going out when I was 15. This means that I have had a sexual relationship with few men and no woman. But relationships with others are important to me and while living alone was ok, I prefer living as I do now.

Childhood friends

I struggled to make friends as a child. I am not sure why. I tried to have a birthday party once, but as my birthday is in August, no one could come. Or maybe they didn’t want to. My life at primary school wasn’t especially happy and the one friend I had moved away. However I did have friends in my street, mostly younger and I don’t remember holidays being particularly troublesome.

At secondary school things improved. I got together with another girl in my year and we were good friends for many years. I still have a number of other friends from school that I am still in contact with. I wouldn’t say I am close to any of them, but I do consider them friends.

When I was 18 I had a party and loads of friends came. Weird to think that was the first birthday party (other than family) that I ever had. Around that time there was a whole group of us that spent lots of time together, going to pubs, for meals and to parties. This lasted until we all started to marry and have children. But as I said I am still in touch with a few.

Boyfriends

My first real boyfriend was the man who became my husband. But before that I briefly saw two boys in my street. The first was my next door neighbour. We only ever went on one date together to the cinema. But we spent a lot of time talking and snogging in the alley behind our houses. He was the first person I let touch me and he had the first penis I ever touched. Then I briefly went out with a boy from over the road who took me bowling on his motorbike.

My mum forbade me from going on that bike, which was why I went. His mates and girlfriends were also there and we had a fun evening. He then asked me over to his house while his parents were away. But again his friends were there and we passed a boring evening as the conversation centred around biking. I didn’t rate his kissing abilities either so ended things.

Then another neighbour asked me out. He was a bit older (19 to my almost 16) and this time it felt right. We went out on our own, to a local youth club and met up with his friends as well as mine. This because a proper relationship and led eventually to marriage. He and I didn’t have PIV sex until I was 18, though we did plenty other stuff.

Family

My parents were both only children, but my nan was one of 9. My brothers and I had loads of cousins that we spent time with as we grew up. These relationships have endured more than some of my friendships and I consider some of those cousins to be friends.

The bond between me and my brothers strengthened once we all married and had children. We holidayed with both families, though not all together. We socialised together a lot and often my parents and my nan were present. For around 10 years our social life centred around those relationships until my brothers marriages broke up one after the other. I remain friendly with both sisters in law, but I don’t see them often.

Since my dad died and my mum moved to be closer to the elder of my two brothers, he and I have become close again. They are probably the only people Master and I regularly socialise with other then my son and his wife.

Work

I’ve been friends with many work colleagues over the years, but those relationships have rarely endured us going our separate ways. My work friendships have been much like my school ones. Though social media helps keep some contact with people.

Online relatonships

Around the time we got our first computer at home, I had started to get bored with my life. I’ve written quite a bit about my relationship with my husband, you can read about it here. Soon I learned about internet chat rooms and began to chat with both men and women. It was quite a time though before I met anyone I chatted to, but whenI did there was some romance and then non PIV sex involved. I don’t feel particularly proud about cheating on my husband in this way. But at the time |I was looking for excitement and also to find out if I had missed out on anything. It turned out I had.

In April 2012 I met S online (read more here) and that was a catalyst for massive changes in my life. Those changes led directly to me meeting Master and ending up where we are now.

Looking back

I’m really a very self contained person who is happy in her own company. But I do need the opportunity to be with other people. I am a little sad that many of my friendships haven’t endured. But perhaps I haven’t been brilliant at putting in the effort. Though of course this is a two way process.

My romantic and sexual relationships have been few. But the important ones endured and I’ll be perfectly happy if I don’t need another one. This relationship is hopefully for life.

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