Being this girl

I'm sitting on the grass with one leg under the other. You can see I'm not wearing panties.

In many ways being this girl is like being someone else. Someone that exists only to be his and to serve. That was likely the purpose of the exercise, as described in this post. Julie was (and is) a strong minded individual. Caring, loving and devoted to loved ones. Hard working and tenacious. All useful qualities but ones that made it difficult to let go. Julie wanted to please, but had a tendency to try to please the wrong people, to allow herself to be used. That’s how this girl came to be.

Then

When Master first broached the idea Julie truly thought he was crazy. This wasn’t something she had experience of, hadn’t even read about. But after a bit of reflection she decided to give it a go. Speaking the words out loud were and still can be hard. After all the word I is a frequent part of our daily language. Surely only weird people refer to themselves in the third person. It turns out that weird people and submissive’s instructed to do so by their Dominants. Try saying it…..”First this girl did this and then she did that” or “Please can this girl come” (the second is probably the most uttered phrase of our relationship). It took some getting used to (both asking and asking in that way.

The key thing that being this girl has done though is to enable her to let go of Julie, to just be a slave. To live in the moment. This was particularly the case during challenging times with the ex and with family. A release from responsibilities at the end of a working week. An opportunity to focus. To be able to come home from work, to change and to speak aloud as your slave self. It was like layers of skin peeling off of an onion to reveal something fresh and new.

If you don’t use the words I or me, then it is easier to request something taboo. To ask to be humiliated or degragated, because it removes the focus from you as an individual. Instead you become a toy, or play thing. An object. So, Julie was able to become property, a thing to be used and played with. A slave with no other purpose than to provide pleasure to her Master.

Now

Of course things were fresh and new right then. We didn’t live together and so our focus when we were alone in a private place was each other. There was a point sometime during 2017 that preparations began for Julie to move in with Master. We began work on decluttering and preparing the house to be sold. Then after the move in 2018 there was a period of settling in and then breast cancer. All of this caused things to change, just a little.

As I’ve said before, this girl is still present in the bedroom. It feels easy these days to slip into the role of slave for those moments. But that’s where the problem lies. Although this girl is still present within Julie, she doesn’t appear often enough. Submission often feels a little further away than it used to and I (deliberate use of this pronoun) don’t know how to get her back. Do I want to? Yes, I do. Being this girl makes me feel safe (not to say that I’m not). She is a big part of my life and I love the feeling she gives me. But these things have to be worked at and it will take two of us to do so. I have the feeling we ought to give it a go.

There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, it just feels different. This was always going to happen because life happens. But maybe it’s time to rethink this Master / slave relationship. This slave needs it.

Love and life right now

Covid-19 Virus Coronavirus - Free image on Pixabay

Deep down I knew that the Coronavirus lockdown would last for months rather than weeks. But that doesn’t mean to say that I was emotionally prepared for it. Back in those early days at the end of March we were busy with home projects. During much of April we had good weather so eating lunch in the garden or on our balcony was a regular thing. We are used to spending lots of time together, so there was nothing new. Anyway, I was planning to be out a bit working. Then last week it was cold and wet, our projects were stuck and the work opportunity vanished. For a few days I felt without purpose and just plain miserable. I know Master feels it too. But I and we are fighting back. Below are my thoughts on the past 7 weeks detailing different parts of our love and life.

Getting things done

Over the winter we finally started to sort the house out. When I moved in nearly two years ago there was a lot of clutter which meant insufficient room for many of my things. I have my office which was completed last summer and so have my books there. But much of my treasured possessions remain in the garage and a lot of clothes are in boxes under the bed. So, where to start?

Master’s books were stacked everywhere in the living and dining room. So much so that I’ve never eaten at the dining table in this house. So I suggested the place to start was in those rooms. Progress was rapid and before Christmas we had specialist shelving installed on one side of both rooms. Then in March (after we’d finished decorating) the shelving was complete. I ordered new blinds for the windows and imagined we’d soon be straight.

But we have 7 or 8 empty bookshelves waiting to move and nowhere to put them. The household recycling centre closed in March and so we were stuck. Then the factory making my blinds closed and we had already thrown out the rails and curtains. I did manage to paint the hallway and want to continue into the kitchen, but we have nowhere to put the kitchen contents.

There is light at the end of the tunnel now because the recycling centres start reopening next week. I’m feeling hopeful that the blinds might be made soon too. I need to feel that we can get things done and make our enforced time at home worthwhile. Right now I feel more hopeful about that than I’ve done to date.

Lethargy

On the whole we have retained much of the structure of our life. Neither of us is working (we’ve both taken early retirement) so we don’t need to be up early, but I am a bit of an early bird. Master on the other hand is something of a night owl. I have learned over the past couple of years not to leap out of bed too early and having me around has encouraged him up sooner. We also have a more structured bed time than he previously had.

Our life is usually quite busy though. We go out to lots of cultural events – concerts, galleries, exhibitions and festivals. So, when there is nothing in the diary you need more than an occasional food shopping trip to make it feel worth getting up and going for.

At times we have both been filled with energy and enthusiasm to do things and at others not. Funnily enough not at the same time. I think this might be a good thing, because being lethargic together means we both struggle to do anything at all. We’ve tried to encourage each other on, but at times the frustration shows. We don’t argue often but when we do it isn’t pleasant. This week we’ve had late night arguments twice, something I’d like to avoid going forward.

Work

Having announced to the world I was going back to nursing, I embarked on induction and training in my own time. Then just as I thought I was about to be let loose on the world they decided they didn’t really need me. Well they haven’t said that but that’s the implication. I have uniforms in my wardrobe and PPE in my car. Both will be returned if nothing happens, but it has made me feel really fed up.

Thankfully a new opportunity has arisen, which is to help with the contact tracing that will be needed to loosen lockdown. This work will definitely happen and I have a paid training shift in my diary and have some work shifts booked too. It is also a bit more money than the original work. This job will mean working from home, so no need for uniform or PPE. Plus, I think this is going to be a really worthwhile job that will need to continue for some time.

Master on the other hand has no intention of going back to work. Instead he is managing our financial affairs which took a bashing in March. Thankfully they are recovering with a few changes. Secondly he is rewriting a wikipedia page for a Spanish author and poet and that’s keeping him busy. Now the books are organised on shelves he has a veritable library to consult. His other project is to map Covid across a number of countries as he prefers his own charts and graphs. These things will help us both going forward I think because we have no idea when we can do the things we want out of the house or travel.

Love and sex

It would be safe to say that neither of us have much in the way of an active libido right now. We’ve had good sex, but not frequently and we haven’t played at all. It’s strange but at a time when we are unable to touch others we aren’t really touching each other much either. I’m not sure why that is. Both of us are making a conscious effort to instigate touch, often when we sit together in the evening. At night Master will put a hand on me, especially if I’ve been snoring. There have been a few hugs, but I feel we need to make an effort to do more.

I’ve written some sexy posts and read some sexy and erotic books and blog posts. But it has been hard to transfer those feelings to our own life. I’m hoping that we can find a way to prioritise those things. Longer days and warmer weather will help as will being active independently of each other during the day times.

Moving forward

I know we are lucky. We are together, haven’t taken a drop in income (other than our long term savings, but they will recover) nor do we need to homeschool any children. But that doesn’t mean that we find the current situation easy. We have mourned the loss of the life we had and don’t know when or if we will get all of it back. I’ve been sad to see former colleagues losing their colleagues, team or organisation members. I’ve also hated the decisiveness of the recent arguments in the sex blogging community. All of this takes its toll.

So, going forward I hope we can soon restart our work in the house. I also have some plans for the garden, since I’ll be here and so can actually grow some stuff. Flowers and also one or two vegetables. Fingers crossed the planned work comes to fruition this time and that we can regain a little of the structure we had lost. I hope that we’ll be able to go out places and walk more as we get to summer. At present a lot of woodlands etc. are open but you can’t park.

As for sex, well I plan to try to make more of an effort because I think my libido is more suppressed than Masters, partly because of my medication. But I would love him to do so too. I don’t feel terribly submissive a lot of the time and know we need to work on this too. But I do feel we can, I do feel hopeful and just a bit positive right now.

Sexual Service

I am kneeling over the sofa. Wearing only a top. My arse and labia are visible and exposed.

I am a sex slave. My role to Master is to provide him with sexual service when he requires it. But also to be ready for him to use me when he wishes. This post is a work of fiction based on a limited amount of reality but mostly reading, fiction and non fiction.

My word of the day is RULES. Every day Master texts me a word or occasionally phrase while we are both at work. At the weekends, if we are home he tells me the word. Corner time is at 4pm which is shortly after I arrive home. I remove my clothes and then kneel on the floor in a corner of our room on a carefully placed pillow. Knees wide, back straight and hands behind my head. The purpose is for me to concentrate on my word while naked and vulnerable. To think about the meaning of the word and it’s relation to my service.

I know the rules by heart. I know that the key purpose of my role as Master’s sex slave is to be his slut and to provide him with sexual service. The rules are in place to make sure I do just that.

Rule number 1

I shall always be available for his use. This means that I do not wear underwear unless he says I should. In effect this means wearing a bra at work. At home I am often naked, unless we expect visitors or it is very cold. I also wear an apron when cooking. There is a certain vulnerability to never wearing panties, especially when I am aroused or hot. I often think others can small my cunt, though no one has ever mentioned it. When sitting I am not to cross my legs, often Master will tell me to sit with them wide open, even when we are out. This can be humiliating, but also a massive turn on.

When he decides I am to provide sexual service, to be used, which is most days, I must thank him. I beg him to use my holes, to come inside my slut body. Or, of course outside if he wishes. Whichever I thank him for the gift of his come.

Rule number 2

I am not allowed to touch my cunt nor come without permission. However Master tells me to touch myself often for his pleasure. This is fine when we are home alone together, less easy when we are out or have people over. Often when we are out eating dinner I will have been instructed to play with my clit. To bring myself close to climax, to edge. One hand on my fork and another on my lap, or so you may think. Other times it will be his fingers that stroke and tease. He studies me closely, watching my cheeks grow pink. He’ll then make me come when we get into the car, there in the car park or by the side of the road.

I am able to control my orgasms quite well, even when he uses the wand on me. But I really have to focus, to concentrate on my submission and remember that he is the owner of my body and my orgasms. He takes great pleasure in making me come the moment he demands. I don’t know how he does that!

Rule number 3

He is known to me as Master or Lord and I am this girl, slut or slave depending on his desires. I understand the meaning of this. I am nothing but the name Master choses to call me. Of course I have a name at work or when with family or vanilla friends. But always I know that I am property. His and his alone. He is my Lord and Master. I worship him and await his need to use me. That isn’t to say that I am not loved, cherished and cared for. Sometimes I am his pet, often his lover. He takes care of me, cooks for me, takes me to lovely places and buys me things. That he owns me is calming, reassuring. It makes me feel safe, wanted. His.

Rule number 4

I have a number of daily tasks, these sometimes change. Each morning I suck his cock if required. I also stand or sit in the shower or bath while he pees on me. I can’t say I enjoy it but I am used to it. It is warm and I have come to appreciate the feeling. I find it arousing, indeed humiliation to me is a massive turn on. After a shower and I have shaved my pussy, legs and underarms, I insert the plug he has chosen for me. This is worn for 2-3 hours so is removed in the bathroom at work. I dress in the way he wishes, often looking quite demure from the outside.

Throughout the day we keep in contact. Be both have busy and demanding jobs, but text a few times. There is usually a photo for me to take and send though.

Rule number 5

I kneel and present myself when Master arrives home

My working day is until 3pm. This fits in well with my sexual service duties and also those around the house. As mentioned above I spend half an hour in quiet contemplation before moving on to any house work and meal preparation. That’s not to say Master doesn’t do his fair share of house work etc. Because he does. He is particularly responsible for food shopping and this is one area where I tell him what might be needed.

Master texts me as he leaves work or the shops and I then prepare for his homecoming. This is a special time for us both. I kneel in the living room and wait in readiness for him. He greets his slave and inspects my body and asks for details of my day. Then he goes to change while I start dinner or put things away. Then he will open wine and we’ll often share the cooking chores.

There was a time when I would spend the evening at his feet while we watched TV or played music and chatted. But now I’m that bit older the sofa has become a better place to be, for us both.

Our evenings tend to be like most other peoples. Except I am usually naked and he is likely to be stroking some part of his property or making me suck his cock as he feels appropriate. Often we will retire to the play room where Master will restrain his slave and torture me. Pain and pleasure are such amazing bedfellows.

This is the life I chose

When we met, I quickly learned what life would be like if we came together as a couple. Master and slave. He was clear that it was a sex slave he desired. One he could use for his pleasure, whether sex or play. We discussed and wrote down our kinks and fetishes. On the day of our collaring ceremony I gave myself willingly to him. My limits are now his. Most decisions (outside work and my family) are his. The body that belonged to me is now his, as are the orgasms and control. He has total power over me and this is the life I chose. My role is to provide sexual service to my Lord.

Sex

A theme running through this whole blog is sex. The whole purpose of starting the blog in the first place was to catalogue my journey in both sex and submission. Back in 2012 I had only had intercourse with one man and had never experienced anal sex. I masturbated a lot, but was rarely satisfied. This seems to be something others observe when in unfulfilling relationships.

To begin with there was so much to write about, as I experienced new sensations, physically and emotionally. Later when I met Master I went through them again, and more. I tend not to write in detail about my own sex life any more. Not because there is nothing to write, but because we tend to do the same things. It’s not dull at the time, but would be if I described it. So, instead I’ve started to explore fiction. To take real events, often from my blog and turn them into stories. I plan to do more of that in the future.

Total Power Exchange (TPE) and Sex

Our relationship is classed as a power exchange. I have agreed that he should have total power over me in many areas of my life. I find this means that I have less to worry and concern myself with and that I can leave many decisions to him. When it comes to our sex life this really suits me. I am rubbish at saying what I like and want. I just want someone else to make the decisions, use me and make me to what they want. This isn’t something I knew back at the beginning of this blog. But it has certainly turned out that way.

It is in the bedroom or playroom that I am at my most submissive (as you would imagine). That is where I can leave Julie behind and just be his bitch. He is pretty creative and likes to keep a running commentary going. At the time I often think that this would make a great blog post, but then later can’t remember everything that was said. Maybe I should record it some time!

To be made to kneel and suck his cock when I’ve been thinking about other things helps me get into the right head space. I rarely say no to him. It isn’t that I am the most obedient slave but I tend to be compliant in certain circumstances. When it comes to sex and foreplay as well as the opportunity for bondage and impact play then I most definitely am.

My sex life now is completely different to how it used to be. We are old(wish) and don’t have loads of sex. But when we do it is kinky and very good. Long may it continue.

#AtoZChallenge 2020 Blogging from A to Z Challenge letter S
#AtoZChallenge 2020 Blogging from A to Z Challenge letter T

Psychology

I have 3 general categories for posts that are about me and how I tick, or a specifically about the more internal aspects of our dynamic. The psychology of me, of D/s and M/s. Posts in the D/s category are mainly from my time with Steve and the first few months with Master. Usually those posts are also labelled more specific to their topic. Over the years these categories have been useful when I’ve written things that seem random.

This blog has been a great place for me to write what I think and feel at a given time. I don’t keep a separate diary or journal and the only notes are make are planning ones. Often I don’t know what I’m going to write about until I sit down and do it. Sometimes I start off with a plan for one topic and it leads to something else. That’s the way my mind seems to work.

There’s no doubt that a power exchange dynamic produces thoughts and feelings that are strange. Why do I want to be dominated? Why am I willing to submit? How on earth did he manage to make me orgasm when I was sure I wouldn’t? Just a few of the questions I’ve asked myself and explored on this blog.

Over the past 8 years (my blogaversary is tomorrow) I’ve written over 1800 posts. This was the first one. Back then I knew virtually nothing about submission and dominance and less about BDSM and kink. But I was ready to learn and keep to please. This blog has been the perfect receptacle for my thoughts, many of them random.

By looking back over time, I can see how I’ve changed as a person and how much I’ve learned. But also that there is more learning to be done. More delving into my own psyche. Wondering about the psychology of me and my relationships.

Stuff has happened this last week that has rocked me. I’ve never been so affected by something that really didn’t concern me. I’ve lost friends over this issue. That’s something I’m sad about and will write about soon. Indeed I’m no longer sure which memes I can and should write about. Or where I’m welcome. Only time will tell.

P

This girl – speaking in the third person

It was a way of getting me to settle into my new role, as His submissive. Very soon after we got together, Master asked me to use the third person when referring to myself. At first I thought he was joking. But, no he wasn’t. He suggested I use one of the following: this one or this girl. I wrote last year about being called a girl at the age of 50 something and how strange that felt. This girl was a step on from that, but it is what I chose.

For a time on this blog I wrote in the third person. I did it to get used to referring to myself in that way. I stopped because not every post lends itself to being written in the third person. Plus it wasn’t an expectation. There are plenty of times, face to face though when I refer to myself as this girl. He pretty much always calls me girl or this girl.

Where does it come from?

As far as I can see, third person speak in this context comes from the Gorean Lifestyle. Within this culture, the Master has total control over the slave, who in turn has given herself (and it is usually a her) to be owned property. An object to be used as the Master sees fit. The slave girl has no rights, not even to her own name. At the same time the Master cherishes his slave and trains and nurtures her natural femaleness, so she emerges into her true slave.

There is nothing Gorean about our relationship or lifestyle. But Master’s desires for a slave he can own and possess appear rooted in these ideals. At the beginning of the relationship, giving up my given name when with him did help me to let go of external constraints to submission.

How speaking in the third person influenced the development of our relationship

On returning from a short break away together when for several days I had referred to myself as this girl, I wrote.

The difference between Julie, the career woman, mother, daughter and estranged wife and joolz the submissive was greater than it has ever been. Ever!

31st March 2015.

I had learned to let go. To trust another person to take full control of me. One by one he took decision making from me and somehow peeled away the layers I had built up over the years. It is strange to look back now on the person I was, the one who always had to be in charge and control. Referring to him as Sir and myself as this girl was a large part of that process. Because every time you open your mouth to say something, you have to consider your words very carefully. Every time you do something you think about whether you are doing something that is for his pleasure. That was the start of my journey to becoming his slave.

This girl now

She still exists, though it is not overtly evident. Not all of the time anyway. Most days I do consider my slave self. Think of this girl and reflect. I tend to hold my collar when doing it. We don’t have rituals or rules as such. Everything is embedded. I generally know how to behave and what he expects of me. In my head I often think of myself not as Julie but this girl.

To him, that is exactly who I am. He only calls me by my given name when referring to me to others.

But the third person speech is only heard in the bedroom or during play. It naturally flows from my tongue during those times. At the same time it invigorates him and shows him where the power lies in our dynamic.

Co-dependent

I never thought I’d want to be dependent on another person. When my marriage was ending I was adamant I wanted to be independent and to live alone if that was required. I like my own space and at the time I had a well paid job and was exploring what being single could mean. I was 16 when I started going out with my ex, so I’ve never been single. That’s still true in a way. But this relationship is different from that one.

Master first asked me to live with him at the end of a very boozy evening in Amsterdam. It was 2014 and he had just finished with his other slave. Our hotel had an honesty bar and we sat alone there drinking dutch gin, well I did. When he asked if I’d live with him, I laughed and said no. He had to agree it was a mad idea.

But actually it wasn’t such a stupid plan, it just took a while to happen. Our dependence on each other took a while and changes were subtle. Giving up control of orgasms and my body were nothing in comparison to depending on each other emotionally. And, this isn’t a one way road. He has emotional needs that I try to satisfy, to listen to his concerns.

I also bear the brunt of his rants about the ineffectiveness of the bank of England, industry in general, government, the EU. I’m also a sounding board for his knowledge on music, film and literature. If I wasn’t there he’d just be living in his head, so it’s a worthy thing. Plus I learn stuff without having to do the hard work. I also cook and am better at it than him, though he has an amazing palate and advises on flavour He makes a mean salad dressing and is king of what herb or spice goes with what.

Since giving up work and moving in with Master the dependency ratio has swung a little. This is his property, though our home. I have an income from my work pension, but it isn’t enough to support myself completely. He is managing my savings and making a good job of it. Right now, I could walk away with a reasonable sum of money, but I’d probably need to go back to work soon after. I have no plans to do so, but I do recognise my dependence on him financially. Or maybe it is that we are co-dependent because we live cheaper as two than we did living separately.

For him, my being dependent on him feeds into his desire for power and control. I have no problem with this and have willingly given him elements of me and my body to own. There is no abuse here so I am perfectly prepared to let him have the control he so desires.

It’s easy to see how power exchange could result in an unhealthy co-dependency. That’s why consent is so important – safe, sane consensual. Plus the importance of communication, checking in with each other.

As I said at the beginning, I never expected this life. But I am happy to have it. To be with the man I love. Yes, I’m dependent on him, but he is on me. This Master / slave thing is no one way street. We co-exist and are co-dependent. Hopefully we can grow old together this way.

I am, because we are

It is a coincidence that as I walked home yesterday I was thinking about this topic. Wondering about who I am now as we enter the 7th year of our life together. Wondering whether I am worthy as his submissive and partner. I came to the conclusion that we are where we are because of who we are, together. So, some background.

Last weekend was the 6th anniversary of the day we met in person. This year we celebrated by going out for dinner. We often eat out, but usually it’s because we are doing something away from home and dinner out is easier. This was a meal out for itself.

Today I received notice that the first part of my divorce, the decree nisi will be heard in court in March. 6 weeks and one day later I will be divorced. My entire blog catalogues my own journey to this point. In many ways I am the person I was at the beginning, but of course events have changed me. Plus taking on the role of slave and starting a new long term relationship has added to that.

The person I was

Confused, probably sums it up. As I approached my 50th birthday I knew change was needed. My life wasn’t going as it should and I wanted something different. Trouble was I didn’t know what that different was or how to go about getting it. I consider my self lucky that the two men I met along the way helped guide me towards discovering what that might be. The fall out from my ex was hard to bear. Last week while reading some old posts from 2013 to link to my privacy post I came across some very disturbing writing.

My husband was playing me. I know that now since at the time he was already in another relationship (still unknown to me). But meanwhile he manipulated me and made me feel I was beyond dreadful for cheating on him. He made me sleep deprived by turning up early in the morning and then he snooped through my emails and was generally horrible. All the time I cooked meals for him if he decided to be home. Made sandwiches and did his washing. YES, I actually did those things. I was a complete doormat. I now know I should have kicked him out and changed the locks. But that’s with the benefit of hindsight.

The person I am

From the beginning of my relationship with Master things changed. He listened to me and helped me work out how to navigate the way ahead. I didn’t always to what he suggested to begin with. But usually there was some method in his ideas. His own other relationship was messy and so we worked through those times together. Sometimes that meant just being there for each other. I know there were times when he felt less dominant for it, but this was a human need not about power exchange dynamics. Not many months after we met my father became terminally ill and died. The support Master provided during that time set the scene for the kind of partner he would be.

Running parallel to all of those more intimate and personal elements of our relationship is the kink. Power, Dominance, submission, kinky sex and play. Over the years we have learned what is our norm. The things that feel safe and right. But we have also pushed each other to try new things.

For a very long time we played in the privacy of our own home and occasionally in a privately hired dungeon. It was also a while before we ventured to Munches and in the end it was through talking to people at those events that drew us to play events. Then recently we started meeting up with some people we met at one of those. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that often I’d prefer to stay at home. Well until I’m there that is. But that is also true of attending vanilla events even with friends.

Am I submissive enough? Is he dominant enough?

These were my thoughts as I listened to some podcasts while travelling yesterday (details below). My idea of submission at the beginning of this journey was based on erotica and other blogs. Training plans for submissives, men with dungeons in their basements, kneeling naked etc. It isn’t like that. For obvious reasons. But when Master tells me I’ve been bratty, I do stop and think. When he tells me to kneel and suck his cock I do it. When he asks me if I’ve achieved the things in my planner, I do reflect. And when he tells me his is proud of the person I glow with pride.

He has helped me become the slave he wants, but also I have helped him to become the dominant I need. Our life together is the one we have made together and it isn’t like anyone else’s I’m sure. But it occurs to me that we are who we are and I am the person I am because of us.

At some point soon, I am going to draw a line on some of the past. We share enough history on this blog not to need to go back further. The posts will remain but they will be archived from view. They are not ones that are retweeted anyway. Time to move on.

Thoughts generated from the following podcasts

Freedom

This weeks F4T prompt is freedom. You would imagine that as a slave in a M/s relationship, my freedom would be limited in some way. But actually I feel more at liberty to do the things I want to do than at any point in my adult life. That’s partly because I have fewer responsibilities. But also because I feel safe and secure in my relationship. I have freedom to express myself, both here on this blog and also with Master.

The responsibilities of life

We all have to act within certain rules in life. No one is free to do as they wish – there are laws, moral codes and organisational rules. But while some people manage to exercise the freedom to be themselves within those confines, others feel constrained. For a long time I felt like that, even though I had a lot of freedom. I had a husband and son to care for (and the husband wasn’t low maintenance), a job and wider family. But still I had opportunities to go out with friends, read, study and shop for myself. However I felt trapped, unable to express myself, to be the person I wanted to be. Trouble was, I didn’t actually know what I wanted. Just not what I had.

For years and years I did nothing about it. I went to work, out with my husband, saw family and cared for my son. I was known for taking my nephews and nieces out for days and even on holiday. We were always doing something for someone and usually the main driver was me. I was my own worst enemy. But keeping my head down and getting on with it felt like the best approach, then I didn’t need to think about my own needs and desires. However that approach was not sustainable, not from anyway.

Breaking free

The life I have now has taken many years to achieve. One of the problems was I didn’t actually have a goal. Instead I just followed my heart and body. In hindsight, there is nothing wrong with this, but if I’d had a plan the journey may have been smoother.

Fear of making mistakes and of what others would think of me held me back. It stopped me seeking help when I needed it and made me internalise my problems.

I really don’t recommend cheating on your partner. But in the end it was the catalyst for working out what I wanted and needed. I was lucky that along the way I met someone that I really do want to spend the rest of my life with.

The by product is that my ex is also happier with his new partner. For a long time he denied it, since he claimed to still love me. But when I see him now I know that his new lady provides all of the things I detested. In particular she is better at mothering him. I always said that I had one child and didn’t need him to become another. Plus at the time he had a mother.

My blog

It’s strange that writing a sex and relationship based blog can provide freedom. But it does, and in a way that my previous work related one never could. Both were anonymous, at least to begin with. But I feared being outed and sacked for writing about the health service then I have writing about sex and BDSM.

This blog has evolved over time. I always wrote about my relationships including the break up of my marriage. But over the past couple of years I have felt more freedom to write anything. Though all of my posts are personal in some way, even the fiction. That’s why I decided to write about my cancer and also the reason there will be more posts about my diet and fitness. Now I am not working I have more time to be creative, and the freedom to do so. Trouble is words don’t automatically flow just because we want them to.

I love to write about the fun, BDSM related things we do. The new toys we try and the way in which we push our relationship and dynamic. I want to develop this blog, make it more dynamic. I want to write on a wider range of topics.

Master told me at the beginning of our relationship that he liked my blog and loved to read it. He told me that I would always have freedom to write as I wanted and I took this at face value. That doesn’t mean I don’t consider him and his feelings when I write. I’m not completely gungho. But my freedom to write and create is never restricted by him.

Freedom to be a submissive

In my former life I both loved and hated being free to make decisions. I was able to make them but grew weary from doing it. What to eat, where to go, work decisions, relationship decisions. It just went on and on. So to be given the opportunity to give up making some decisions has given me more freedom.

I don’t like being told what to do in all situations. But I do love it in the bedroom, during play and also in our wider life. Before I acted alone and didn’t consult because my ex was terrible at making decisions. But now I discuss everything and am happy for advice, a push or even for Master to decide for me (depending on what is required).

Being his submissive has made me happy and it has also given me more freedom to be myself than I new possible.

F4Thought

Psychology

Over the years I have used this blog to explore my feelings about the changes in my life. Whether it was my thoughts on infidelity and cheating on my husband. Or new sexual exploits, examining my submission and what it meant to me. Day to day it often feels as if I cover topics in a superficial way, but looking back that isn’t the case. I have 3 categories labeled psychology: D/s, M/S and me. There are a total of 210 posts categorised under psychology, in total.

Psychology of D/s

During my first D/s relationship I was involved with a man who lived 2 hours away from me. Because I was still very much married when I began the affair it was difficult for us to find time to be together. Online communication became a very important way of us finding the time to be together. We used text, telephone and finally Skype to communicate. We were able to dissect aspects of the things we had done together and discuss them together. Along with reading various D/s manuals I was able to review my progress (as I saw it).

But there were also times when he would be busy, with work, his children or as it turned out later, meeting other women. But whatever I felt during those times (and I have written a number of sad and lonely posts), I learnt a lot from the whole experience. When it was finally time to move on, I was ready for a deeper D/s relationship.

Psychology of M/s

When I first met Master I categorised many of the early posts under the D/s tag, since that is the kind of relationship it was. These posts give some indication of the thoughts going through my mind as our relationship deepened.

In May / June 2014 we moved into more of a Master / slave dynamic. It was something that Master wanted and it felt right for me. But it came with a greater feeling of emotional depth that it was often difficult to express. This post was written shortly after Master made me his slave.

The most profound time though was when Master collared me, his slave. It felt as if it came with a good deal of responsibility. To be the slave he wanted and could be proud of. This is very similar to the feelings I have about marriage. And to those who have asked if we might do that, well, yes we might.

Psychology of me

I didn’t intentionally set out to end my marriage, or did I? This question has played over and over in my mind for many years. I told myself I was exploring my sexuality, my need for a dominant. But of course I always knew I was committing adultery, being unfaithful and that was wrong. Especially since my husband had done the same to me years before.

This post is not a place to discuss the rights and wrongs of that. But I have written many times about my feelings about lying and then getting found out.

I never shied away (on here) from telling my life as it was. Obviously I have never written everything down. That would take too long and often would be quite depressing. But I do have a useful means of finding out what I thought about my life at various points. So, I’m glad I have written in this way and will continue to do so. Whatever happens next.