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Lust

Master is down on his girl. You can see part of his head and ear, but his face is buried in my body.

That most delicious of feelings. When you encounter (see, hear, meet) someone who absolutely turns you on. When your carnal desire for them means that you just can’t wait to kiss them, touch them and have sex with them.

During the period just before my menopause I was pretty much aroused all the time. It was like a tap that had been ceased up for years suddenly opened. I’ve written so much about the time before this happened and even more about events while it was. That’s why there are so many posts on this blog going back over 8 years.

Meeting men for lustful encounters

The very fact that I thought it was ok to go meet a man I’d never met before in a hotel shows quite how lust filled I was back in 2012. I threw every caution to the wind because his words, spoken and written had made me desire him so much. During the period of about a year I lusted after him and the things we did together so much that I mistakenly thought it was love. I only realised that wasn’t the case when he dumped me and I only needed to cry for a day or two. By the time he dumped me for the second time I walked away with relief. Somewhere in between the lust subsided, but I still enjoyed the fun times we had together.

It all happened again shortly after, when in February 2014 I met Master. This time the chat took place over a briefer period, days rather than weeks. Plus a safer meeting place was chosen. But we both considered going back to his place because we fancied the pants off each other. Instead we waited till the next day and again I threw caution to the wind. Gut instinct told me both times that this would be the right thing to do, but of course it is a dangerous game.

Keeping the lust going long term

This time it isn’t just lust. It is real and proper love. I care for him and want to please him. I know he would do anything for me and he has. There’s nothing like difficult and dark times like breast cancer treatment to tell you exactly how much you are loved. The lust isn’t there every day. But it is still around.

His libido is higher than mine and his lust for me is more evident than the other way round most of the time. Often I need Master to initiate things, though I know I should be more proactive. But once I see the lust in his eyes, it certainly does something for me.

This year hasn’t been the best for lust and love for most people, I think. We’ve spent much of the year at home, rather than exploring new places. Many of our most lustful times happen when we are away from home. Meantime we just have to take advantage of the moments when they present themselves. Long may it last.

This post is linked to the Erotic Journal Challenge and The Blog days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

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M/s: Reality or Fantasy?

A modified of me standing with my hands behind my neck. You can see my breasts through the black halter neck dress and I am wearing my collar.

“Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it’s a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope, and that enables you to laugh at life’s realities.”

~ Dr. Seuss

My post about following orders got me thinking. Is my life as slave to Master a reality or a fantasy that we both buy into? Actually I’ve been thinking about this for a while, ever since I saw a thread on twitter suggesting the latter. In essence that a power exchange is a game and that people can take themselves and it too seriously. To an extent that might be true, but then that could be said about a lot of elements of life.

Is life like a game anyway?

Throughout my working career I felt like an actor in my own play. Each job was its own scene. The person I was at work wasn’t the same as the person at home. As a nurse I had responsibilities thrown at me from a very young age. The only way to get through the stresses of people being sick and dying was to act like a competent provider of care. Of course I became one after a while and so acted the competent manager etc.

Same really with parenthood. It’s not like you get a how to parent manual as you leave hospital with your baby. You muddle through, accepting help and advice or ignoring it depending on what and who gave it out. But ultimately it’s down to you to work out how to stop the baby crying, what to do about a 7 year old preferring your bed to theirs and so on.

When I was unhappy in my marriage I played a game of happy wife, which fooled everyone including my husband. Eventually though the cracks begin to show and something has to give.

Is a Master / slave dynamic a reality or fantasy?

If I say I am a slave and if Master says I am a slave then I am one. If I choose to follow certain rules laid down by him then it is a definite reality. Our dynamic is there all the time, even though it isn’t evident to outsiders or sometimes even ourselves. The collar is worn 24/7 and if I take it off I ask first. We aren’t into punishment but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know what the rules of engagement are. Nor does it mean that I don’t adhere to them, most of the time.

Others live a stricter M/s existence, more a kin to the stuff I like to read about in books. Enforcing more rules takes work on the part of the dominant and compliance on the part of the submissive. But one thing is for sure, it is a reality.

For me it has acted as an escape mechanism. You see, my life is no longer an act. Granted I’m not working (well not going out to work) but still. I’m not pretending to be happy, or competent or whatever. I’m just living my life. So it occurs to me that being a slave is less of a fantasy than being a happy wife ever was.

This post links to Quote Quest and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

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My name is MPB and I am an exhibitionist

I’ve always been something of an exhibitionist, but until relatively recently it didn’t involve me having my photo taken, kickers down in a field.

Thank goodness! It was more that I wanted to be the centre of attention. A real, look at me Leo type. It’s almost as if I can’t help myself. I would tell myself not to draw attention to myself, not to be the one to ask questions or give an opinion. But I digress.

My exhibitionist self emerged during 2012. It only took a matter of weeks between meeting S and strutting around half naked for the world to see. Thankfully it wasn’t actually watching. Though, of course, part of me wished it was.

It’s really only through this blog (and two dominant partners) that I have recognised this about myself. Both encouraged me to embrace showing my body to them and to others that may be passing. Indeed it is the thought of those who could be around that gets me off.

There have been far too few opportunities this year for Master to take images like this. But a couple of weekends ago the weather and location lent themselves to a photo opportunity. As far as I know, no one saw my bum other than Master, but if they did I do hope it made their day!

This post is linked to Sinful Sunday, Scavenger Hunt, Kink of the Week and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is participating in these memes.

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Taking orders from Master

A submissive shouldn’t question a dominant’s orders. It’s not the submissive’s position to know what a dominant’s reasons are. They should just do it and trust the dominant with that decision.

During our day to day life we don’t have the kind of relationship where by Master says jump and I ask him how high. Our life together is a partnership. That isn’t to say that there isn’t a power exchange element to our every day lives. There is. Over time I have given much of my decision making responsibilities to him. He books things up and arranges things for us to do (or did before the world went tits up) without discussion. Just as he often initiates our kink and other encounters. However that doesn’t mean we don’t discuss them first.

It’s taken me years to get to this point. As I mentioned in my last post, I have always had a tendency to want to control everything and everybody. To the extent where the effort wore me down. Meeting someone who wanted to make decisions on my behalf was something of a relief. But allowing it to happen didn’t come easily.

In my fantasies I am a malleable and obedient submissive, but in real life I don’t want to be that person. I’m a strong minded individual and I’d rather be called bratty than a door mat. Anyway, that isn’t what Master wants, I highly suspect he likes my bratty side. So long as I know when to stop.

Having said all of that, it’s not often that orders of any kind are issued and they tend to be in a specific context – play, scenes and sex. And then, I’m usually pretty happy to do as I am told, often without question. Well too many questions anyway, because I often struggle to shut off my inquisitive (or nosy) mind. Master loves to give surprises (of a pleasant kind), which is when new toys and clothes suddenly emerge. There are rarely dull moments when he gets and idea in his head.

Even though I have relinquished my limits to Master, there is always room for discussion about something new. Neither of us thinks that he should hold all the information and I should just do as I’m told. Nor do we think that instructions should be parked out as orders.

So, the reality is that a power exchange is a balancing act (just like other relationships). Communication and discussion is vital so that each partner understands the rules of engagement. But, it takes time to get to a place of clear understanding of roles and responsibilities. In this relationship I think we’ve worked out what we want and need and that is just fine for us.

This post is shared to No True Way and is part of The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

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Best friends

Master and I kissing at a Christmas kink event. I am dressed in a little Santa bunny girl type costume, he in a suit.

“A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself- and especially to feel, or not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at any moment is fine with them. That’s what real love amounts to – letting a person be what he really is.”

~ Jim Morrison

The ex as a friend

My ex wants us to be friends. For a long time, before we split up I knew I still loved him but really didn’t like him. After years of marriage I really didn’t want to chose him to be an acquaintance let alone best friend. Time and separation has mellowed my view some what and I guess I know I could go to him if I needed something. He is loyal, in many ways though wasn’t especially faithful. Trust is a big thing in friendship and in love and unfortunately that is a bit of a problem. He has told me more lies than it is conceivable for any human to do to someone they say they love.

Plus he isn’t very good with boundaries. I popped round to the former marital home last week to collect something and had an amicable chat with he and his partner. He followed me out to the car and told me he liked my hair which is short and had been bleached by the sun. I’m happy for anyone to say I’m looking good, thanks. But he spoiled it by messaging me while I was driving home and telling me that I had turned him on. I ignored the message, though seethed about it. Thankfully an apology followed and then I told him that wasn’t an ok thing to do.

So, I don’t think my ex will ever be much of a friend and certainly not my best friend.

Friends as friends

I’ve had a number of close friends in my lifetime but none that have stood the test of time. I guess that once I wrapped myself up in love and life lasting friendships just didn’t happen. It could be that I didn’t invest as much time as I should have. Or else it was just something that happened. I feel sad when another good friendship drifts off and becomes something less close and personal. But it hasn’t been the end of the world. Since more recently my lovers have been good friends. Also a few work friends really stepped up for a while during times of need, as I did for them too.

My best friend

Master is my friend and confidant in a way no one else really has been. There isn’t anything I can’t and don’t say to him. It wasn’t until this was the case that I realised that I learned early on that my ex kept secrets from me and so increasingly I kept them from him. I don’t think there are many, if any secrets that Master and I keep from each other.

But going back to the quote, Master has let me be the person I am, at the same time as helping me be the person I always wanted to be. I have a level of freedom to be myself in a way I didn’t even know I needed.

Being part of this power exchange has allowed me to give up some of the decision making responsibilities that I used to find so hard. It has helped me realised I don’t need to be in control of everything and everyone all of the time. I came across as dominant and domineering in many circumstances when I was younger. But now, I see that was a defence mechanism against failure and letting people down. If I didn’t do things myself then they would never be right. Of course, I was wrong about that and I’m happy to admit it.

I’m with a man I love and respect and who loves and respects me in return. We are learning together how to be older people that want to continue to be active, to enjoy kink and to be lovers. He has helped me see that my body is beautiful to him and others and that I don’t need to hide it just because I am nearer 60 than 50. We have explored photography together and I wear clothes especially to kink events that I would never have imagined. I can honestly say I am happier now than I have been during my adult life (possibly with the exception of some lovely occasions with my son). That is in no small part to my Master, my Best Friend. What’s more, I’m not letting this one slip away.

This post is linked to Quote Quest and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is taking part.

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Finding sexy stuff to wear

I won’t lie, finding sexy stuff to wear is a challenge. I swear that a person who has had a mastectomy isn’t meant to want to wear stuff that makes them feel good. In winter it matters less. Because you can hide the thick strapped bras under layers of other clothes. Come summer though, especially hot days like we’ve just had here, I for one want light and sexy.

There are (to my knowledge) two companies that specifically sell post mastectomy lingerie and swimwear in the UK. These are Nicola Jane and Amoena and over the past two years I’ve bought from both. I now have 3 swimsuits, several bra and pantie sets and now I have a couple of strappy tops with bra inserts inside.

This one is from Nicola Jane and I love how it looks. It’s not without irritation because the bra seems to do up too low down my back, so I’ll need to fiddle with it for next time. But I am proud to share that this week I’ve been able to wear a strappy top without big thick bra straps and that makes me very happy.

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From the darkness to the light

Photo by Guillaume Bleyer on Unsplash

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene Brown

There are so many ways that starting this blog has helped me explore myself more closely and see the positives from some very negative situations. I think that’s why I am clear that whatever I do in the future, I won’t give it up.

Over the past eight years there have been some dark days. Ones where I have struggled to understand how I got to that place. I’m the kind of person who loves to plan, but then who is disappointed by the outcome. I like to organise and to please. Trouble is, that in the end it isn’t what others wanted. Or else they aren’t in a place to do the things I feel I want to. Maybe that’s why I spent so much of my life feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. And even though relationship wise things are good and positive I am still struggling in other ways.

Family

My expectations of myself seem to be much greater than the ones others have of me. This played out at the weekend when I arranged a small gathering at my mums to celebrate her birthday. One by one, family members pulled out until there were just a few of us left. As it was, the afternoon was very pleasant and may have been spoiled by more people. I had a lightbulb moment that I should stop trying to organise others. Instead I should concentrate on myself and those closest to me. In a way mum’s (and my birthday) was a good excuse to see my son and daughter in law who did turn up.

The events of the past few years have at times driven a wedge between my relationship with my only child. But things have definitely improved over the past couple of years. I think it helps that I am clearly living where and with who I am, rather than remaining in what was the family home.

My mum continues to drain my energy with her selfishness, but I am learning to keep her at arms length much more. To try not to let her get to me. The big test will come this Christmas, because I am going to have to be firm to avoid a repeat of last year.

Us

Every time I think that we are drifting away from the kink and the M/s side of things, stuff happens that changes my mind. This last weekend helped that. We have so much time together and so can easily get into a rut. A change of scenery definitely helped.

Going back to the beginning of this post though. This blog is evidence of the ways in which I and we have come through difficult times and emerged stronger than before. Learning to do what is best for us and balancing the needs of others will always be a challenge. But others aren’t rushing to do the same for me, so I think I’m heading in the right direction here. Plus we have lots of good stuff to look forward to. I’m starting to believe we will get away to France and if we have to quarantine after we return. Well so be it, we can shop online and stay home. Goodness knows we’ve done enough saying in this year already.

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Birthday treats

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, this year’s birthday provided some unexpected treats. One of the main one’s being tied to our hotel bed and used for Master’s pleasure. Read about the day and weekend here.

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August: hot days and lustful nights

To be frank I’m pretty much living my best life right now (well I was before the dreaded lurgy arrived). That’s not to say I can’t look back at some fabulous halcyon days before this relationship. August has always been a good time for me, it’s my birthday don’t you know, so I deserve to be happy in August. I think the best were when my son was young and we did family stuff with my parents, brothers and their families. But in terms of love and sex on a hot August day or night, the best will be now.

August tends to be the hottest and most humid part of the year in these climbs. Though the weather itself was consistently better in April and May, but that’s unpredictable in England. Forecasters tell us we would reach the canicular over this coming weekend and certainly yesterday was scorching. Yippee because we’re currently staying at a a country hotel for the weekend and I’ve been able to lounge around naked in our room, swim in the hotel pool and sip cocktails on the lanai. This birthday signifies a turning point in the year (hopefully) because it is our first trip away since March.

When we arrived on Thursday (which was my birthday) Master removed some strapping from his bag and promptly fed the two long ends under the bed. To these he secured cuffs for ankles and wrists. He isn’t known as gadget man for nothing. Later that night, after a cool bath he secured me to the bed and both teased and aroused me. So much so that even before the wand had done it’s job of bringing me to the storm of an orgasm the juices were tricking from my cunt.

Most of our sex takes place in the mornings, something I’ve spoken about before. In August that is probably just as well, because there is nothing like writhing around the bed deluged in sweat. We waited till this morning for that. After the heat of yesterday there is a cool breeze this morning. I could feel it through the open windows (this is sadly not a place with air conditioning but it’s a big old house). We haven’t had much sex lately, we just haven’t felt like it. But as soon as he opened his eyes this morning I could tell he was in the mood and so was I. Sometimes those spontaneous quickies are as good as the long and drawn out events. This was definitely one of those. As I sit here now 3 hours later I still feel the satisfaction of lasting arousal.

Today we have a small family gathering with my brother and partner, my son and his wife and my mum. There will be food (which I’m cooking) and a pleasant time in mum’s garden. Then we’ll come back here to the hotel for our final evening before going home tomorrow.

We’ll have a final cocktail of bottle of something cool and take a stroll around the grounds. Sadly there’s no lake, but there is a beautiful herb and flower garden. we’ll take in the tranquility, then retire to our hot room where hopefully sleep and perhaps more awaits. The events of recent months have made me appreciate this time away from home all the more.

Photo from Thursday will appear later for Sinful Sunday. This post is using the big sexy words for August and is also posted for The blog days of summer.

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Blog changes

I’ve been thinking of making some changes to the blog for ages and ages. But somehow haven’t quite got around to it. As another month stretches ahead of me, with little to keep me occupied, I’ve bitten the bullet and started.

The name

At the start my blog was called world of Joolz. This was the name I went under on chat sites and the name S called me throughout our relationship. Since I was trying to get away from being Julie the bored housewife etc, Joolz stuck. For a while.

When I met Master he named me His pleasing bitch. So when I made changes to my blog in 2014 that became it’s name. When I became self hosted that was the url I bought.

Today, I’ve changed the blogs name to MPB and I’m undecided about whether to change it right back. I had thought Master’s pleasing bitch was a bit of a mouthful but maybe MPB is too short.

My About Me page

I’ve completely changed my about MPB page. I’m not really on a journey any more, so it is structured in a way that I think acknowledges that. Next I have to decide how to deal with the actual ‘journey pages’. I think they are an important reference to the past 8 years so should stay in some form. But I plan to tidy them up a bit.

Organising everything

Since that fateful day in February 2018 when I accidentally deleted my blog I’ve had to rebuild much of the behind the scenes structure. (The photo above was taken the morning after). I will forever be grateful to Michael for retrieving most of the posts for me. But I had to go back and re tag and categorise everything as well as to re do the SEO.

Now, the time feels right to review some of that structure so things can be found more easily. This is going to be a bit of a chore, but it’s always fun to look back and see what you said and did at a given time.

One of the things I’m most keen to do is to organise easier access to my photos. That will be my first job after tidying the pages.

Theme and artwork

I plan to move to a magazine type theme very soon and to hopefully reveal new artwork. I’ve loved the photos at the top of the blog, but it’s time for a change.

All in all I’m pretty excited about doing all of this and am hoping it inspires my writing!