Bedroom talk

He has a great way with words. I guess it is all the reading he does, plus his linguistics education. He tends to tell me what he thinks about my body and our sex life in English, but could easily do it in French or Spanish. Our bedroom is a fun place to be of a Sunday morning.

“I wanted to have sex with you the first time I met you” He told me, not for the first time. Looking back to the beginning is something he loves to do. “I felt your tits though” Indeed he did. Plus he pressed his hard cock against me when we kissed. It’s no wonder I was round his house the following afternoon. Though we didn’t have sex until the week after as he played with me instead.

He starts to suck my nipple. “what are you doing?” I ask “Just noshing down on your tit” comes the reply between sucks. I lie there thinking how middle class public school that sounds. He speaks well: upbringing, education. Not estuary like me! I love it when he swears or says dirty stuff, it sounds fabulous coming from his posh mouth.

“I’ve had more sex with you than anyone else”.

“Well we’ve had a lot of sex”, I reply. That is very true and I’ve had more sex with him than anyone else.

“You’re a better fuck than C” (a former sex worker he used to see and who is now a great friend of ours). This also pleases me greatly, perhaps I am pretty good at sex.

“Don’t tell her” I say.

“I might” he responds and we both laugh.

Anyway, in the past he has told me that I am the best fuck he has ever had. I believe him since he doesn’t have to say stuff like that.

“You’re mine” he says just before he goes down on my cunt.

“I’m definitely yours and no one else” I say. But also think, ‘and you are mine’.

Then we fuck and there’s little to say for a while. I do love Sunday morning in our house.

Masturbation Monday

Submissive training – is it necessary?

This prompt for Tell Me About has had me thinking for a few days. It is common to see information about ‘training your submissive’ in BDSM manuals and guides. Submissive training is also a big thing in fiction, for example the Brie series by Red Phoenix which is set in a training centre for submissive females. I can’t deny that I found the books extremely hot when I read them a few years ago. But is submissive training actually necessary for someone in a D/s or M/s relationship? And if so, what might it comprise of?

Submissive – born or made?

I don’t think you can train someone to actually be a submissive as such. It is something that comes from within, almost a need. However I do think there are elements of submission that take time to emerge. Reading about different types of relationship and considering what you as a submissive might want from them is useful. Understanding the elements of BDSM and what you, as a submissive want to find out more about, or try. Each dominant will have their own way of doing things and have ideas about how they wish the relationship to play out. Whether this takes the form of training, conditioning or something else is debatable.

Training vs education and learning

In a previous life I was education lead for a group of public sector organisations. I organised learning and development courses, bought places on university courses and was in charge of mandatory training. I hated the word training, though was forced to use it. That’s because without an element of educational learning behaviour can’t change. Maybe you can train a dog to fetch something, but we don’t generally do that with humans.

Learning new skills, understanding about consent and safety, finding someone in real life to help mentor as well as reading fiction and factual accounts of a dominant submissive lifestyle seems a good approach. I guess some dominants may train their submissives as they would a dog but I’m not sure that is a good approach. Even teaching positions, kneeling or preparation for anal sex should be about more than just practical training. Knowledge of your own body, elements of safety and learning from others is vital.

How did I learn to be the slave I am today?

Back at the beginning I found all I could about submission and BDSM in general through the internet. I joined forums and information sites and followed links to blogs. Then I read erotic novels and bought a couple of ‘how to’ books written by those with experience of the lifestyle. But it wasn’t until I got together with S that I began to understand what might be involved in a D/s relationship. Unfortunately that was when I realised I had a romantic view of being a submissive. However on the plus side I also discovered that I enjoyed pain, humiliation and degradation. By the end of that relationship, I had a better knowledge of what I wanted.

When I first met Master I was under the impression that I knew everything there was to know about being a submissive. But Master is a different kind of Dominant to S (as you’d expect). So I had to begin to learn how to be Master’s submissive. Bed room and play room stuff is easy in comparison to learning what they want from you as a person. It has been elements of my behaviour that have changed. This hasn’t happened through training but through reflection and communication. What’s more, we have learned together how to be each others Master and slave. And from that has come trust.

Reading and blogging as a learning tool

Writing about our experiences is a great way to reflect and learn. Especially through interaction with each other and some level of challenge. Master has always read this blog and continues to read current and past posts. Journaling is also useful, so long as there is an effort to think and review what has been written.

Many people find this blog through searching for submissive / slave relationships. So maybe I’m doing my bit in helping to educate a new generation of dominants and submissives. Or maybe it is just a way of getting off on some sexy writing. Who knows?

I for one love to read other D/s related blogs. All relationships are different and there is no one way of being a dominant or submissive. But it is great to learn and to reflect on those differences. Plus it gives us things to talk about when the Safeword D/s club meets online.

tellmeabout

Faking orgasm

Kitagawa Utamaro (Japanese, ca. 1754–1806)

I’m pleased to say that I suggested this week’s Food for Thought prompt. A few weeks ago I read survey conducted by Kinkly.com on Faking Orgasms. The writers there had read a couple of other smaller surveys and conducted one of their own. 1232 people of different ages, gender and sexual orientation. What interested me was the headline that 80% of respondents had faked orgasms at least once in their life. Not surprisingly (well to me anyway) women fake it more than men. Reasons for faking included: wanting the encounter to end, wanting the other person to feel good and not wanting the other person to feel bad. There’s loads more to read from the survey – see the link above.

But, what is my experience?

Have I faked it and why?

I’m sorry to say only too often. Not recently but with my husband. I could count on one hand the number of times he made me come. Mainly this was because he didn’t take the time to learn about my body. We were young when we met, both virgins. I didn’t really know what a female orgasm was, let alone what it felt like. It was years before I realised how much pleasure there was to be had from touching and being touched.

For years sex was about him. Once he had come, the encounter was over. Foreplay was a bit of breast and cunt groping. I think I’ve written here before that this was a man who could fit in PIV sex during a TV commercial break.

I bought myself toys and he found or saw them. So wanted us to play with them and after that felt I ought to come too (I am simplifying things a little here)! So, given that having an orgasm took time, that his fingers weren’t as good as my toys and that I rarely came from vaginal sex, I faked it.

Me faking it made him feel good but it made me feel bad. I’d often come later after he was asleep. Some relationship history can be read here

Do I fake it now?

No because I have no need. Orgasms in this relationship are a gift and are offered frequently. Master is a man who has learned about my body and who who loves to see me come. He also owns the orgasms and by doing so has taken the pressure away from me. They are no longer something I have to do alone. Nor are they something I crave, but never get. Instead he forces them from me, sometimes many times in one session.

From early in our relationship Master conditioned me to come on demand. By touching me and counting down then telling me to come. Over time I was able to come almost without him touching me. But always those orgasms are his, arrive when permission is granted and always I thank him afterwards.

I can hand on heart say I have never faked an orgasm with Master.

Recent troubles

Whether it is being post menopausal. Or because of the hormone inhibitors I take, my orgasms have dried up a little recently. In that I seem less able to come on demand. But rather than pretend, I tell him that I can’t or haven’t come yet. That I can do this is down to the trust between us and because I know he understands.

So we have taken to using our magic wand vibrator more and this has reignited my orgasms in a powerful way. When one of those arrives, there is no faking!

F4Thought

Female Chastity – Physical or Emotional

Over the past year or so my Kink of the Week post on female chastity has been one of the most frequently read on my blog. I admit to being fascinated by the concept of physical chastity devices. Though I have never worn one, I find the idea extremely erotic. That I, a submissive woman might be locked into a metal and leather device by my Master. Prevented from touching myself makes me wet. I imagine him leaving me at home, locked in while he leaves town. The idea of being unable to touch myself, masturbate, is almost enough to make me cum. However this is all part of my imagination. Because the truth is I am not wearing a device, he is here and I actually don’t touch myself without his permission anyway,

For me, wearing a chastity device is a fantasy, though I would love to try. My Master doesn’t tend to deny me orgasms, he is more likely to force them out of me. But denial is part of that fantasy. For this post I want to explore whether to be denied orgasms actually requires a device. Or whether the control of a Master is enough to stop a slave touching herself (unless instructed), masturbating or even orgasming. Indeed, are there slaves out there who have been deprived of an orgasm for more than a year. Yet wear no physical device. The answer to that one is: Yes there are.

Physical Chastity Devises

You can find pictures of the various devises available here on Pinterest. This article on Kink Closet provides all the information you need to help you choose the right device. That includes it’s purpose, how to measure yourself as well as advice on cleaning.

I especially like this particular model. It’s not something you’d want to be locked into for long periods, but the idea is pretty erotic. So much so that I’m going to write some erotica based on it. I’ll link back when it’s done.

There is plenty of female chastity erotica here on Literotica, which might be worth a look meantime.

My other fantasy for physical chastity is through the use of labial piercings. I wrote a piece of flash fiction about having my labia locked together. It’s certainly something I’d love to explore more. Of course, this is a more permanent type of solution, in that the labia are pierced and then joined by rings or bars.

Emotional Chastity

I hadn’t previously thought about orgasm control and denial as a form of chastity, but of course it is. We practice control, but not denial. This means that my orgasms belong to Master and he grants me permission to come. When I do, I thank him. Since we have been together I have rarely masturbated on my own and not at all in the time we have lived together. He loves to see and feel me orgasm, especially when his cock is deep inside me. On occasion we use a vibrator to make this happen. But whether or how I come depends on him. He is in charge and decides.

Other couples in power exchange relationships take orgasm denial to a different level. Littlegem writes in this post about how her husband and Dominant Purple Sole uses short periods of orgasm control and denial as a form of behavioural control. She also discusses how this increases her need to express her submission to him.

This is done without using a physical device or piercings. But through emotional control. I could go upstairs now and masturbate, but don’t because I know I mustn’t and because if I did I would have to tell Master what I had done. However the very thought that I have agreed to this rule reinforces my submission and also makes me want an orgasm more.

Blossom is a slave in a long distance M/s relationship she wrote on 15th October that she had been in orgasm denial for 650 days.

“never thought this would happen to this girl but it is happening and have to say am still enjoying every moment of it….of course one has her good and bad days….but all in all it has been good….hot, delicious moments….painful moments where one rubbed her clit so often that it hurt to touch”.

Physical vs Emotional

Physical female chastity is something of my imagination, desire and fantasy. But unlikely to become a reality for me. It looks like something to wear during play, or for a specific scene. But I know from the sheer amount of information available that this is a big kink for many people. It is also something that I find fascinating and will probably continue to read and write about.

Emotional chastity or control is a reality in my life and those of fellow bloggers. It isn’t something you need equipment for. But you will need a willing submissive or slave and time to develop a power exchange relationship.

Masturbation Monday

Fear

The Erotic Journal Challenge for October is Fear. I love that Brigit has gone for a month long theme and hope it is something she will continue. I love to join in with memes but struggle with my originality and often feel I am repeating myself. For this one though I may well post a couple (or more) essays on my thoughts about my fears. Brigit has helpfully posed a few questions and this is the first one:

What are your sexual fears / insecurities?

Body image

I guess most of my sexual fears relate to my body and insecurities about it. I currently weight the most I have pretty much ever. I want to lose weight and am trying. But so far this year I have failed spectacularly in doing so. This massively affects my self image and I struggle to see why I might be attractive to another person. I also know that I am less fit than I could be so not very agile.

Finally of course there is the small matter of only having one tit. This is most evident (unsurprisingly) when I am naked. A by product of having had cancer are the hormone inhibiting tablets I take, which have side effects of weight gain and joint pain. The latter for me is more of a stiffness, which makes getting up from the floor for example a challenge.

Performance

We have had our fair share of sexual performance issues over the years. I am always fearful that another is around the corner. I am not so young and agile, I am overweight and taking hormone inhibiters. What if my vaginal juices dry up, what if I can’t get into a particular position, what if I can’t orgasm? From time to time all of the above have happened, though each has been a passing phase. There was also a period of time when my body seemed to go into spasm when he pushed his cock into me, causing pain. This lasted a little longer, but also passed. However I am always worried the problem will return.

I worry that Master will no longer fancy me, that my body will not satisfy his needs. Or that I will begin to push him away as I did my husband. So far this has only happened if I am tired or emotional, but the fear is always there. What’s more, he says he fancies me more than ever, that he wants and needs me.

Getting over our fears

I haven’t arrived at the age of 57 without learning to be realistic. That my body, that both of our bodies are ageing. We have learned to pace ourselves and know when sex is best for us. He is also good at listening to my troubles and woes and mostly dealing with them effectively. Unsurprisingly he is usually right. There is really no reason to believe we will go off of each other. More likely we are going to grow old disgracefully together. But that doesn’t completely stop the fears from emerging nor does it prevent me from getting carried away with my negative thoughts.

But I will plough on with trying to improve my image of myself – try to lose some weight, try to get fitter. These will be especially important as I prepare for my reconstruction surgery. Then hopefully I can look in the mirror and like myself just that little bit more and feel like the sexually attractive woman he says I am. Then maybe those fears will go.

Welcome to the pleasure dome

It’s been a long time, at least two weeks, perhaps more. Distance and then various appointments during the first few days back from Cyprus . Now at last we have time, energy and will power.

“You are my pleasure bitch” he says as he slides his cock over my clit piercing and teases my vulva with it. “Welcome to the pleasure dome” I answer.

He says he loves using my piercing to stimulate his cock. It certainly gets me going too. Lubricating his cock with my juice he slides deep inside. It’s been a while since I’ve felt quite so aroused and damn it today I want to come. This isn’t always the case these days, I wrote about that here. But today is different. “I need the new vibrator“, I say and he does no more but pulls away and goes to get it.

I am on my side, he spooned into my back. His cock is deep inside me, hard and almost too big to fit. I open my legs and place the large bulb of the vibrator onto my cunt. The vibrations are deep and strong and he sighs with pleasure. “Is that good?” I ask. “Oh yes, pleasure bitch its good!”

Quickly I feel my orgasm build. From within, where his cock throbs and outside where the machine vibrates my clit jewellery. The orgasm doesn’t take long to build and I am given permission to cum. Recently no count has been long enough, but today I wonder if I can hold it to 1. I do though.

We lie a while, the orgasm pulsating through us both. Finally he gets back on top and tells me he needs to come inside me. To breed me. Soon he his hot spunk is coursing through my vagina, mixing with my own plentiful juices.

Later on, straight after a lunchtime concert recital I go off to the ladies. I am pleased and not at all surprised to see the dampness still emerging onto my panties.

Pleasure dome indeed!

Masturbation Monday

Foreplay

We have a new toy. The old one was, perhaps a little worn out. This morning we tried it out and I can confirm that not only is it the perfect foreplay toy it is also pretty good at giving orgasms! Or maybe it was the skilled operator!

Sinful Sunday

The disappearing orgasms

Early on in our relationship I wrote about the importance Master placed on giving me pleasure. That he loved me to orgasm and to orgasm a lot. While my orgasms have belonged to him from day one and I have always had to ask permission, they have not been in short supply. Until this year that is.

Our sex life hasn’t really been affected by my breast cancer and treatment. I guess that is partly because we have made a particular effort to have sex. We have made the time which luckily hasn’t been a problem. He is a considerate lover, not shy of putting my needs first. Though the nature of our relationship means that sex often begins with him wanting to take possession of me and of my holes. Foreplay has become less of an issue as I am often eager for him to push his cock in (usually) my vagina. My focus then is on whether I can easily accommodate him and then on giving him pleasure.

The tablets I take to stop production of oestrogen have caused something of a second menopause. But thankfully while I experience hot flushes and a few aches and pains, I haven’t suffered from vaginal dryness. This has been something of a relief and has made me all the more keen to feel him inside me. I get seriously aroused by his excitement and am often pretty wet as he pushes his cock in. But for some reason I have become less worried about whether I orgasm at all. Once or twice I have definitely had G-spot orgasms but the powerful clitoral ones I so enjoy have been elusive.

Sometimes recently Master has asked if I want to orgasm, even when he is rubbing my clitoris and to be honest I have been at best undecided. Previously he could demand I orgasm and miraculously I would, that no longer seems possible.

I suspect the tablets are to blame.

Master has now decided that he wants me to orgasm and once he raised the issue, I realised that it is something I want too. After all who in my position would actually choose not to if offered the chance.

This week, I have had two. Both while his cock has been deep inside my vagina. Each time he has used a vibrator of some kind to give direct stimulation to my clitoris.. And having been seriously rocked by one particular long and powerful explosion a couple of mornings ago, I definitely want more.

I’m hoping that this is the start of something good. Further work and attention is definitely needed!

Getting back to the core of who I am

During normal, every day life it is easy to lose sight of what is really important. To imagine the small irritations of decision making, the routine of work and household activities are everything. It is easy to lose sight of your core, what makes you tick. The things that brought you together. Sometimes it takes a complete change in those routines to help you focus on what is really important.

Two of this week’s meme prompts lend themselves well to this topic – The Wicked Wednesday prompt is Core and Erotic Journal Challenge one is Retreat. The past few weeks for us have been in the form of a retreat. We left home on 8th July and only returned on 24th August. During that time we have travelled the length of France, from Calais in the north to a small seaside village in Aude in the south. Along the way we visited several towns, taking time to enjoy the culture and explore the countryside. After a couple of weeks chilling out we moved onto a boat and spent a week travelling at almost walking pace. After a long weekend celebrating my mum’s 80th birthday in England we returned to France. A week later we began the return journey through northern Spain before returning home.

During much of that time our engagement with others was limited. For days on end we heard no English voices. We had no need to be anywhere dictated by anyone else. We took time to be together and to explore our relationship in a way that hasn’t been possible before.

The craziness

As regular readers will know the past year has been something of a rollercoaster and whirlwind combined. Last year I moved in with Master in July. Having packed up a three bedroom house and leaving little behind I brought a lot with me. In August I finished work. We had plans to spend the autumn and winter sorting the house so that my stuff fitted along with Master’s. But our lives were thrown into turmoil in September when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was not until February that the treatment was finished and we were able to get into any kind of proper routine.

Our relationship is strong, but we struggled to sort our what our roles and responsibilities to each other were. To understand what we wanted from our M/s, our sex lives and how much we wanted the outside world to inform and define us.

The retreat

It was the knowledge that I’ve been paying the (not insignificant) bills on a property in France I have barely had time to visit that spurred us. Plus neither of us are working (permanently) and caring responsibilities (for me) are limited right now. No one we spoke to seemed to think it would be a problem if we disappeared off for 6 weeks or so.

Plans were made, ferries, hotels and flights were booked and with a very full car we left for France.

Just putting the channel between us and our real lives was enough. We had suitcases of clothes, but packed a smaller bag for a few days at a time. An electric cool box meant we could picnic rather than eat in restaurants during the day. Stops were planned just 150-200km apart so we had time to see the sights, but also downtime. We didn’t always take breakfast. This meant that we could spend longer in bed, not necessarily sleeping.

Getting back to the core of who I am

This trip gave me the chance to get to the core of me as a person, my raison d’être if you will. Also for considering who and what we are. For Master it was about exploring my submission and reclaiming it in a way he hasn’t been able to for some time. We spent a lot of time talking about what my submission and his Dominance mean to us. Exploring our roles, sexually and literally.

The cancer diagnosis, mastectomy and treatment affected us more than we realised at the time. This time away gave us the chance to look back and articulate some of those issues. To get to the core of what breast cancer meant for me, a woman and him my partner. I articulated what he knew, that I struggle with my remaining breast. Worry about my lack of cleavage etc. The tablets I now take to dampen down my hormone levels seem to have affected my ability fo orgasm easily. All of these impact up on Master and the way he manages our sex life.

But also we were able to distance ourselves from the world. Not only family but the messed up politics, social media circus and yes my blog. Having said that, when my data package was used up while we had no wifi on the boat, I bought more. Plus, Master dropped his phone in the canal and was without for a few days. That made him positively on edge. So we have a way to go before we are ready to disappear completely even for a few days.

So, we are back. Recharged and ready to face existing and new challenges. Hopefully happier human beings and closer to each other than ever we were.

The photo below was taken from one of our hotel rooms and gives a flavour of our time in retreat.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Sex and getting older

“There are six myths about old age: 1. That it’s a disease, a disaster. 2. That we are mindless. 3. That we are sexless. 4. That we are useless. 5. That we are powerless. 6. That we are all alike.”

Maggie Kuhn

I haven’t written for the Erotic Journal Challenge for a while, but luckily this is catch up week. I’ve decided to turn my attention to sex and ageing. None of us can avoid getting older, but we can do something about our own attitude and maybe that of others. There was a time that I thought 56 was really old, actually I thought 30 was old. It turns out I was wrong, I’m still not old, but I am definitely getting older.

Sex in my 50’s

I didn’t start this blog until 4 months before my 50th birthday. Sex in my 40’s had been pretty dull and I was determined my 50’s would be different. And so it has proved.

During this decade of my life I have discovered so much more about my body than I would ever have imagined. Partly through self examination and experimentation (mainly in relation to orgasms), and also through having two partners who have helped to guide me. This has meant I have experienced anal sex, multiple orgasms and orgasm control amongst other things.

I don’t have the hugest libido in the world but once I get aroused I’m up for most things. It turns out all I needed was a man to push me towards trying new things, or to having sex at different times of the day. Together Master and I have experimented with various pieces of equipment to aid or sexual journey, things like the sex swing and fucking machine.

Our bodies are ageing

There is no doubt that we have less stamina than we did in our 20’s and 30’s. Master is unable to ejaculate more than once a day and perhaps less than that. Morning times are usually better for him and now I am not working we have plenty of time. We also have to pace ourselves and when we have been strenuous in other ways our bodies are often tired. One way to help is taking a bath, something we love to do together. In the future we hope to have our own hot tub, but mean time we make do with our regular bath which luckily has a jacuzzi function.

But we are not willing to just turn over and go to sleep. We can spend time cuddling up together, mutually masturbating each other including orally. As I mentioned there are toys to help things along. The sex swing was purchased when Master had a frozen shoulder and sex in bed was often painful.

The experience of life and a desire to be fulfilled sexually means that we are willing to try new ways and enjoy different equipment. And of course I am always keen to write about it.

The future

We are determined to grow older together as disgracefully as possible and we intend to keep having sex for as long as we can. Keeping as fit and healthy as possible is probably key and so keeping active will help. But as I said at the beginning we are actually pretty young still. It’s just we can recognise the ageing process as it happens. I guess that means we can deal with new problems as they arise. Plus you can be sure I will write about them here.