The changing nature of my submission

#Sccwriting

The empowering nature of submission

There are times when I wonder if I am truly submissive. As I go about my daily life, making decisions and just getting on with things. Should I defer on all things? Should I ask for more direction? 

Well, no actually. After almost 5 years in this relationship we have settled into our roles. Yes, things have changed. I don’t feel the need to be in control all of the time in all things. I no longer need to know everything that is going to happen, I trust him to be in control. That includes deferring to him for advice in a way that I had never known possible before. Master has a quiet, but powerful way of getting me to make decisions where I need to or ensuring that he does where it is better for me. I know I am a strong woman, but I need his support in more ways than I even knew. What is more, I am happy and proud to be his submissive.

What does safe mean?

He makes me feel safe. Indeed, my submission gives me a safety net. It means that I trust him to look after me whether in daily life, or when we are playing. I feel safe that he is making the right decisions for me and us. That isn’t to say that I don’t argue, become ‘unruly’ or ‘bratty’. But who doesn’t push against what they know to be good for them? 

Safe also means a safe word. I may be a slave, but we have never abolished my safe word. While I have never used it, I would if I needed to. As it happens, I only have to express that something is wrong when we play and he will stop. I guess that is what makes me feel safe in his hand, I trust him to make sure no harm comes to me.

BDSM in submission and play

Our life when it comes to BDSM and kink play is set into something of a routine. Our sex-life may look vanilla to the uninitiated observer. But only if there were no sound on the video – words and actions are important for us. Just when I think things are a little predictable he makes me pee on him, or he on me. Or he will make me get on my knees, undo his trousers and tell me to suck him off. 

Play is not a regular feature, but we have the equipment at the ready and suddenly it will appear. More recently we have attended clubs where both my submission and our play have been on display. I hope we can find a way to continue to do that, including the CMnf events. 

Limits over time

When we met I thought I was pretty clear about my limits. Over time he has pushed them slowly and carefully. My level of trust is such now, that I am happy to declare I have no limits. In truth of course there are, but he knows what they are. I have faith that he wouldn’t put me in danger, but will stretch my acceptance of his kinks. You can’t make this kind of thing happen, it takes time, patience and communication. And we have worked on all 3. 

My advice to others

Be prepared to look deeply at yourself and to answer questions about your words and actions. Even those in the past. Trust that you and your dominant will need time to settle into your roles, just as you do in regular life. Allow your submission to develop in your dominant’s hands, let them lead and trust your true personality to emerge. It isn’t always easy, you won’t always get it right but a strong relationship will allow you to be the submissive you both want. Finally trust your instincts – if you think you are submissive then you probably are. 

Recovery- week 2

I am now 11 days into my recovery from mastectomy surgery and while I am still a little sore, I am healing well.

Physical recovery

Once the bruising started to come out, it was evident that it was widespread. Around the wound, towards my back and even on my remaining breast. After a few days the scar began to itch, I took this as a good sign. Everything was covered with dressings, which to begin with were waterproof. By Monday this week, though they were becoming wet and so I had to refrain from showering.

The drain site was the worst part. It gradually became more sore and I was constantly adjusting my bra. This is embarrassing since I was often lut when I needed to fiddle. Bloody fluid contined to to drain much to my annoyance. This meant that the nurses wanted to visit daily. We had things we wanted to do and we both became irritated with waiting in till 5pm. Other patients were more of a priority and so I only managed to be visited early once, on Sunday. They didn’t like me cancelling the visits even though it was clear I could manage the thing myself.

Thankfully, when I attended my appointment at the hospital on Wednesday the drain was removed. The site was on the verge of becoming infected and so this was the best option. There have been no I’ll effects and the swelling began to reduce almost immediately. I have a feeling that the drain was causing more problems than it was resolving.

The wound is healed, but there are still a few bruises and a little swelling under the arm. I can now step up the recommended exercises, which are necessary to make sure I regain full movement in my arm. It feels right and stretching my arm over my head is challenging at the moment.

I have found a company called Amoena that sells beautiful lingerie, swimwear and tops for people who have had breast surgery and have a bra and pants on order. If I am happy with quality etc. I may be spending a bit of money there.

Emotional recovery

In general I am feeling mentally strong. But certain events that have occurred over this last couple of weeks show that my mood can drop easily. For example the hospital transfer a couple of days after the operation made me weepy and very upset. Made worse by the confirmation this week that it had been unnecessary. Encounters with the nurses, a different one each time made my stress levels high. I am anxious about my body image and how it will affect our relationship going forward.

We have kept ourselves away from family and friends and this has helped. We have a way to go before I, he and we are comfortable with my body as it is now. I suspect that is something I will write about next week. Also in the coming days we will be seeing family and attending our local munch.

I feel ok speaking about the surgery and cancer with Master and close family but less sure of myself with others. I am clear though, I need to be open and not pretend nothing is wrong. This journey is far from over.

A week on

Tomorrow it will be a week since my surgery. It has been a strange time. A period where I and we have had less control over events and our lives than we like. I know in the future we will look back on this time and recognise it was just a week. But right now, it has felt a lifetime.

I wrote about the day of the operation and my immediate thoughts here. Remarkably I was less than 24 hours post surgery. I was still under the influence of the anaesthetic and a strong pain killer taken over night. The disappointment of not being allowed home that day had subsided. I knew I wasn’t ready. But I did feel very well and positive. Sadly my positivity didn’t last that night.

In the afternoon I had a visit from the lovely Indie, who took time out of her sightseeing schedule to spend time with me. she brought chocolates and a friendly ear. We chatted and laughed as well as discussing some of the more serious aspects of this whole episode. 

Later that evening I developed haematoma. The operation had taken place in a hospital with no emergency facilities, and although there was an on call doctor, he wasn’t part of a surgical team. Around 11pm at night, he and I imagine the more senior doctors he sought advice from, decided I should move to another hospital. It is only a few miles away, but involved an ambulance, time in an assessment unit and then transfer to a ward. Suddenly I felt alone, scared and completely out of control. My bubble completely burst and over a period of a few hours I felt quite desperate. 

Looking back

I can see I was unrealistic about the size of this operation and the potential complications. It is also clear that those explaining things were pretty blasé about the risks. The chance of me ending up with a wound drain was high, yet I was told it was something I might have. 20% of women end up with a haematoma after mastectomy, and that is a reasonable risk. But I hadn’t really looked into it at all. We were told that it would likely be an overnight stay, but from where I sit now, I can see that was unlikely. 

I wonder why it is clinical staff are so keen to shed a positive light on recovery times. The fact that I went into this with such a rosy view has meant that what happened after was quite a shock to the system.

Getting out of hospital was quite a challenge on Thursday. My surgeon is based at the original hospital and seems to have a pretty heavy workload. So another doctor saw me on Wednesday and Thursday. He would have preferred me to remain in hospital but I had had enough. Because I still have the wound drain home services were set up for me. But I really didn’t want them. My long nursing career means I know how to manage a drain and understand what to look out for. Sitting around waiting for someone to measure the output is not something I want to do. I don’t think I was being difficult when I asked for Saturday off from visits. But it is not something they seem all that used to. 

Practical stuff

I have ordered a bag so I can carry the drain around. It arrived yesterday, but unfortunately I was out and the postman has taken it to the sorting office. Meantime I have a shoulder bag that is the right size and shape. I am getting quite good at hiding the tubing. And as with other things, people don’t really observe what is going on around them so I doubt many people have noticed. 

I discovered last week that Marks and Spencer have a range of post surgery bras. At the moment I need something front fastening and soft, so have this one. But have already found a company that sells colourful and pretty soft bras and have one on order. Soon I will buy something much more delicate. I want to be able to feel at least a little sexy. The insert I have is soft and while it feels odd I can see that it does look pretty normal from outside. 

I am pretty bruised – I even have a shiner on my remaining tit (I wonder how that happened). but at present the scar is hidden by dressings. My body looks weird to me and I know to him too. We are not quite ready or indeed able for him to explore it. But we are speaking about the changes to my body, my body image and what that might mean.

There is a long road ahead and it has only been a week, but we have coped amazingly well considering. I am not brave or special, I just want to be able to look back and know that I have managed this process in the best way I can. This might not have always made me popular, but I am not changing my personality for anyone. What is more, I could not have done this without the love, care and support of the man I love. The man who is my Master. 

Inspiration and blocks – F4TF

I have kept a blog for probably 10 years, and have been writing this one for well over 5. In that time my content has ebbed and flowed. There is nothing like a new relationship or exciting situation to get the creative juices flowing. But at other times, inspiration is difficult to come by. What is more, it is a challenge to keep things fresh and to refrain from repeating yourself, too much.

This week’s Food For Though Friday is about Inspiration and blocks as a blogger. These are mine,

Where do the ideas for your content come from?

My blog has always been, and probably always will be predominantly about me and my life. So, if things are going very well or very badly, I will have no trouble thinking of something to write about. At other times, I rely on memes and prompts to help me along. 

I would love to write fiction, but really struggle with ideas for stories, whatever the genre. I don’t lack imagination, but unless it has happened, or I can see it happening to me I find it difficult to document. Perhaps years of writing factual reports for work has affected my ability to write fiction. When I was much younger, I wrote stories in long hand in exercise books. I no longer have them, so can’t really comment on quality, but I wasn’t short of ideas. They were often pretty erotic too. 

How do you get inspiration? Who or what inspires what you post?

We are so lucky to have other bloggers and writers to help provide inspiration to us within this community. There are so many talented people, thinking up ideas, running memes and competitions. Then there are those that participate, who inspire content and ideas. Some of my favourites: 

  • Molly’s memes – Sinful Sunday and Kink of the week as well as elust which provides a monthly list of top sex blog posts, reviewed and rated by their peers
  • Marie from Rebel’s Notes – Wicked Wednesday a weekly meme, Smut Marathon an erotic writing competition and Smut Relay a story being written by different bloggers over several months
  • Kayla Lords – Masturbation Monday, another weekly meme and her other projects including the Smutlancer and the Loving BDSM podcast
  • F4TF by Kilted Wookie – which I am participating in right now
  • All of the bloggers above also write their own posts which provide further thought and inspiration. 
  • At other times I have joined in with 30 days of submission or kink and other such memes that are more of a one off. 
  • Then there are bloggers who seem to have little difficulty with their own inspirations and are great at providing others with ideas. I especially enjoy reading May More, Cara Theron, Posy Churchgate and Floss
  • Of course there are more ways of being inspired, and there are others out there providing that inspiration. Sometimes it is just a matter of visiting and commenting and suddenly realising you have a whole post to write in response. 
How do you decide  what to share, and why?

I try write stuff that is interesting to me and also importantly my Master. If no one else finds it exciting, that is ok, because it is my blog and I am writing in the main for our benefit. Sometimes my writing becomes personal, such as is the case right now. At other times it is fun or frivolous. It isn’t always easy to want to write and to share personal things, sometimes it feels dull and boring. But for me it is about being true to myself. Not much of my life is hidden, but in the main I avoid mentioning exact locations, other people who prefer to remain anonymous, specific details about my work and of course family. Other than that, what you see is pretty much what you get. 

Elust #111

A leap of faith Elust 111 header

Photo courtesy of A Leap of Faith

Welcome to Elust 111

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #112? Start with the rules, come back November 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

 

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

The Promotion

Getting Lost in a Good Book

Hatefuck

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Demonised

9 Things New Sex Bloggers Need to Know

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Tales

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

 

Erotic Fiction

After the Party : Cleaner Close #7
Denna and her convenient pervert
Finally Together
Slut Escritoire ||| back to school
Key to Room 237: Freya – Darker Side of Love
sexy maid
Playing God
Liminal State

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Give me a break
Getting Off on Post Orgasm Torture
Public Displays of Chastity?
PLEASE – wanting it
Shit at casual
Thrill of the outdoors

Erotic Non-Fiction

Submission
Tell me how it feels.
New Realities

Sex News, Opinion, Interviews, Politics & Humor

Finding my adopted roots
Talking Wholesome Queer Erotic Art with Wren

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

No such thing as an ending.

Poetry

-02.10.18_23:28-
Lusty Limerick: Dress for Success<
 

 

 

Elust

Pause

It feels a little as if we are on hold right now, someone has pressed the pause button. Around me, people are busily getting on with their lives, caught in the daily grind while I sit here and wait.

Life for me right now is made up of endless hospital appointments interspersed with doing very little. Shopping, cooking, the odd evening out, all of those things continue. We are also making time for some sex – well there is plenty time for sex, but obviously we don’t have sex all the time. There are still things around the house to be done, the big declutter continues – for him that is. Plus I continue to gradually unpack (assisting in his declutter). 

Yesterday I dug over a patch of the garden. It had become overgrown with weeds and grass. Also some bulbs with leaves but no flowers, we have no idea what they were. Now, the ground is clear and I have planted bulbs. This might be the last bit of strenuous work I do for a while. Very soon I will have to pause even more.

This afternoon I will get the results of the MRI scan, which took place only yesterday. The scan was a weird experience, not entirely unpleasant just very odd and noisy. Surgery will be soon, and today I will know when. Before that I will have a blood test and on the morning of the operation sentinel node imaging. This seems to be my life right now.

Having said all that, we do have one thing on the agenda. A two week trip to a nearby city for a classical music festival. For the past two years, this has been our way of taking a break from real life. A pause, you might say. Well it starts on Friday and we plan to spend as much of the next two weeks as possible there. Hospital appointments and operations permitting. We have an airbnb booked and will stroll the city, attend concerts and lectures. It will be a great place to pause the pause as it were!

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

The follow up post can be found here

My blogging journey

How did you first become aware of the blogging community?

My first blog was about nursing and working for the NHS (UK health system). It started as somewhere to document some of the growing disgruntlement some of us were feeling as well as documenting what was going on. Soon after I started a Masters course and began to write posts that were reflective and which I could use as part of a journal. Once I had finished my course my interest waned and posts were sporadic.

In 2012 I decided to start another blog – World of joolz – as a way of recording my journey in my new and illicit relationship. I never envisaged that blog would lead to this one and the relationship I have now. Shortly after starting that blog, I deleted my work related one. It was difficult enough being anonymous on one blog, but nigh on impossible on two. Especially if anyone worked out both were written by the same person. I regret deleting and wish I had just taken it offline. 

What made you decide to take the plunge and join in?

In both cases I began to read other blogs and decided I would like to write my own. Because I was used to commenting on other blogs, I was bolder with the kink one and so attracted followers quite quickly. In both cases I felt part of a (very small) community and enjoyed the interaction. I am still friends on Facebook with a couple of nurses from those early days. 

As time has gone by, I have interacted much more with the wider kink / BDSM / sex blogger community. Twitter was probably the thing that led to my small circle widening to the extent it is today. My blog isn’t the most widely read, but lots of people know about it and me.

How did you decide on the type of content you would share?

My blogs have always been about a personal journey or way of recording events. In the past 2 or 3 years I have joined in much more with memes like this one, and sometimes that has taken me in a different direction. I would like to write more fiction, but don’t find it easy. There are so many people out there with more creativity and better writing skills than me. I enjoyed participating in the Smut Marathon, but am undecided about next year. 

To begin with, preserving anonymity was very important as I didn’t want to lose my job. So I was careful not to give locations or information that might identify me. While this is still the case, I am much more willing to show my face and to be more open.  

Have you achieved the goals you wanted when you started blogging and have these changed over time?

From time to time, I remind myself that the blog is about me, about my relationship and journey and pull back slightly from everything else. I didn’t have any particular goals, but was on a voyage of discovery. I would say I have been successful in that. I have learned so much about myself as a person and have been able to see myself grow as a submissive for example. 

Master reads everything I write and often reads old posts, they are often points of discussion for us. 

What have been the most positive aspects of being a blogger?

In the early days of my kink journey I read many submissive and slave blogs, in particular. They helped me to work out the things I wanted to try on my journey as well as those I definitely didn’t. They were where I learned about TTWD (the things we do) and that no two relationships are, or need to be the same.

The best thing has been meeting other people through blogging as well as engaging regularly online. At the weekend I met Indie who is in the UK at the moment and who I would never have met if it hadn’t been for blogging. 

Have there been any negative aspects of being a blogger?

Sometimes you can put pressure on yourself to participate in everything. Finding time to write is difficult enough, but visiting other blogs and participating is difficult. I love to get comments, and feel I should do the same, that is time consuming. But it is enjoyable. 

#F4TFriday

Our changing lifestyle

Friday 31st August was the last day in my job. I bought cakes and fruit for people in the office, went for lunch with colleagues and then sent my final emails. For the first time in my almost 38 year career I voluntarily walked from my workplace with no job to go to. 5 years ago I was made redundant, but within weeks I was working again. This time will be different, I am as yet undecided as to whether I want or need another job. What is more, I have made a deal with myself not to think about it until the new year.

This week we are in France. The weather is glorious, the days still a little longer than at home. We have nothing to do but be together and to remind ourselves of why we love just being together. On the spur of the moment we have extended our stay, because we can. We don’t need to be home till Sunday and neither of us has work or other responsibilities to pull us back yet.

The events of the last weeks – the move, winding down then leaving work – have sapped me of energy. I have struggled to feel sexy for my man even when he tells me how much he wants and needs me. I have slept alot this holiday and while awake Master has paid lots of attention to me and my body. Gradually I am beginning to feel human again and yes, a little horny. He asked me this morning how that manifests itself, and I had to think. It is a long time since I took the initiative, made it clear what I want. Now though maybe I am ready.

Our lifestyle to date has involved me working 4 days a week and spending those evenings alone at home, then us coming together for the weekend. Some Fridays I visit my mum and stay over. For months there has been work around the house, packing, decluttering. But now we have much more time to be together and make a life together.

What is clear is that certain elements of our M/s relationship which have been a little on the back burner will be able to come to the fore. We have been talking about our feelings, of ways in which his dominance and my submission is important to us. This is an evolving picture and something I will express here on my blog over the coming days, weeks and months. What I know is, for the first time I am putting me, our relationship and importantly Him first from now on.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Black bra

This afternoon, given the cool and wet weather we decided to sort out some of my clothes. Since I moved in with Master a month ago, the weather has generally been pretty warm and dry. Over the past week there has been a gradual deterioration until today it is dull, cool and very wet. With the change in seasons waiting around the corner there was a need to unpack more clothes. Plus a couple of trips away in the next few weeks mean that I will need to free up some luggage. 

The first bag I unpacked contained underwear. As I sorted through the bras, Master picked out this lovely black number. He was interested to understand when I bought it, and if I had ever worn it, since it is padded. To be honest, it fits him better than me. And to answer his questions, I don’t know and probably never. 

He looks amazing and what’s more he loved wearing it and put his shirt back on, over the top. Next we found a couple of leather bras Master bought me, but which I have rarely worn. Of course I slipped into one of them and also the fetching collar you can see me wearing below.

Me wearing a leather bra and collar with the words bitch.

That’s pretty much all the unpacking we did today, since one thing led to another and we retired to bed. I am not sure that some of the other unpacking we still need to do will be quite so much fun, but you never know.

Sinful Sunday