It is with pleasure that I am able to contribute to a new meme hosted by Brigit Delaney. I am approaching 2019 with some blogging enthusiasm and so, having the time to sit and write is a massive bonus. The first prompt is about sensuality and the senses and considering my topic and approach led me to our last play session in early December.
We have attended the club in question a few times now for both CMnf and more relaxed social events. That day was a Christmas social and I had dressed in my Santa girl outfit, complete with stockings. My only other lingerie was my bra.
I climb up onto the bench and lean over so that my knees and shins are positioned on the leg rests. stretching my arms I am pleased to find that I can find a comfortable position for them. I lay my head on the cool plastic on the bench and close my eyes. Master lifts my dress and slowly strokes my bottom with soft fingers. He starts with a soft rubber flogger and brushes it over my cheeks, teasing as he strokes between my already moist thighs.
There is music playing in the background. One of those CDs that comes out at Christmas with all of the old favourites on. Since it is early December, this is the first time I have heard Christmas music this year. I can also hear the sound of people talking, mainly in low voices to each other and also the sounds of others playing. The swish of a flogger, the impact of a paddle or cane and the cries of other submissive girls in the midst of pain and pleasure.
Master moves around quietly, choosing the next toy with which to torture and from time to time he checks in, whispering in my ear. Calming me, reassuring me and making sure I am in a good place, and I am.
I have my head down, and so my field of vision is limited. I am also facing the Christmas tree and the speaker from where the music is coming. Anyway, I keep my eyes closed for most of the time. It helps me to concentrate on the pain and on channeling my feelings about it. By concentrating on the sounds rather than what I can see I can block the real world from my head.
To begin with the main smell if of plastic and the alcohol used to clean the bench. It is not unpleasant, but kind of clinical. But as time passes and the intensity of the impact on my bottom increases, I become aware of something else. My nostrils fill with the aroma of my own arousal. That sweet smell of sex and this increases as he runs his fingers over my slick pussy lips. He sniffs his finger and then leans his head over mine. “you’re very wet” he says. “Girl is very turned on”. Indeed she is and she can feel and smell it.
When I had first lay down on the bench all I could taste was the Prosecco I had just sipped. But within minutes I can taste my apprehension. My mouth dries and I have to lick my lips to maintain some moisture. As time progresses and my own sex fills my nostrils so my mouth waters and I can almost taste my own juices. As the session draws to a close he leans and kisses me and then I taste a mixture of him, me and prosecco. An intoxicating blend.
The past couple of weeks have been way busier than I had imagined they would be. Partly because my mum who was staying locally for Christmas extended her stay for my son’s wedding. Over the last couple of days though I’ve had the chance to do some reading and to begin some planning for the year ahead.
Recently I was sent a survey by Twitter about my experiences of their wonderful social media platform. I am only being slightly ironic about the word ‘wonderful’ since my twitter experience is generally good. I have met and got to know people through that media and widely promote my blog there. Anyway, they asked what I would like to see them do differently. I told them to acknowledge they shadow ban people and to refrain from doing it. If people do something wrong they deserve to know what it is. I won’t hold my breath though, since you aren’t changing something you don’t admit exits!
Onto my favourite blogs and posts of the last week or so.
It was only after she left a comment on my review of the year post that I realised I had completely missed out my meeting with Indy. The three of us spend a wonderful afternoon and evening together in September exploring Oxford. We managed to take a few great photos in the beautiful restaurant loo, which we cross posted for Sinful Sunday. Indy also visited me after my operation, bringing news of her travels and chocolate. Both were just the boost I needed having been told I needed to stay another night in hospital. You can read the first part of Indy’s own review of the year here. I wish we lived closer to each other as I know we would be great real life friends. But we intend to make the most of technology to keep in touch. News of a joint collaboration will follow (queue suspense).
Fabulous as 40 and beyond
It was great to meet Exposing 40 at Eroticon over the past couple of years. In fact she was the first person to come up and ask if I was MPB! I was happy and proud this week to be included in her 40 over 40 list, along with so many of my favourite bloggers, writers and tweeters. Also a few I don’t know and will need to follow up on. Exposing 40’s photography talents inspire and excite me and I am looking forward to attending her Eroticon session in March.
Pain and childbirth
Last year I also met Livvy at Eroticon, firstly I think when she asked me to sign her copy of the Anthology. We laughed when I almost wrote my real surname. It has been wonderful to follow Livvy’s pregnancy and then the birth of Martha just before Christmas. Her recent post about the pain and trauma of childbirth and how it relates to tolerance pain experienced during impact play.
As always, Livvy’s writing is thought provoking and honest. I can relate to her approach and the juxtaposition between her medial knowledge and the reality of giving birth. I recognise the euphoria she describes in the hours before the actual birth, helped along by the pain control she had taken. Interestingly I am able to find a similar place during play and I guess that is what Livvy might explore at a later date. I think her pain threshold is way higher than she imagines it is.
Inspirational writing and a new challenge
This week’s theme on Wicked Wednesday was Vignettes. I was keen to follow the prompt, but struggled with inspiration. I had a potential theme but worried that I hadn’t left myself enough time to get it done. As it was, my post about our dynamic took some thought and could have been written in that form too. My personal favourite this week was Brigit Delaney’s – The Storm. A beautiful tale so simply told through 11 vignettes. Hers is writing such as I aspire to emulate. I have so much to learn about erotic writing and we are lucky to have writers like Brigit around. She is a great support to other bloggers and writers is now launching her Erotic Journal Challenge which I intend to join.
So 2018 is over. In many ways an awful year, but also one where great things happened, as I wrote in my review. 2019 promises to be one of further change, but hopefully less momentous.
Final thoughts on 2018
Looking at my stats just now, I realised I wrote 198 posts in 2018. Just a last push and I would have written 200. What has been different this year, is that even when I didn’t feel like writing I did. Those 198 posts comprised 72,546 words an average of 366 per posts. Considering my Sinful Sunday posts often contain no or very few words, that is good going. Over the course of the year my traffic doubled, and certainly over the past few months the level of interaction has been massive. During the year there were 866 comments on my posts.
The top 5 posts for the year were a little surprising:
First Experience – A kink of the week / Wicked Wednesday post about my first experience of anal sex written in January 2018
2019 is here
This year I intend to carry on writing about whatever takes my fancy. In past years I just stopped writing if I couldn’t think of anything sexy or kinky to say. Last year I realised I can write what I want here and people will still read and comment. This blog is now a diary cataloging almost 7 years of my life, every word remains valid even if I don’t like to read some of it.
There will be more fiction, I just still don’t know if I want to join the Smut Marathon. I’ll probably go right up to the wire on this. There will be plenty of meme participation including hopefully February Photofest. I’m pretty sure I will voice my opinion on a plenty of topics, some will be kink related and some won’t.
First of all though I have some treatment to go through. Yesterday I had 3 tiny black dots tattooed onto my skin and next Thursday my radiotherapy begins. I lay on my back, arms up while they performed a CT scan and ran through a simulation of the radiotherapy. My chest was covered with a gel mat which felt cool – probably a good thing as they will be using it during the treatment.
Radiotherapy will run daily (week days) till 30th so that will be January and then in February we will hopefully go away on a holiday somewhere warm. It is difficult to think past all of that at the moment, but we have ideas and plans for more fun things. I will need to find some work later in the year, but hope to keep to short freelance projects.
The biggest thing personally will probably be the divorce. Once that is done, then we will see what next.
From where I sit this afternoon, the first of 2019 the future looks pretty bright. Happy New Year.
This year, more than most I can remember has been a time of immense highs and unbelievable lows. It has also been one of great change. For so long I talked about making those changes and there were many times that I thought they would never happen. This blogging year has also been one of highs and lows, a year where my writing has developed and grown but also one when I almost lost my blog. There is so much to write about this year and so many people to thank and mention so here goes.
The year started in a bit of a whirlwind as I supervised the packing and moving for my mum. There was over 30 years worth of stuff in her large 3 bedroom house. The concept of downsizing was completely alien to her and consequently this was a stressful time for me and my brothers. She tended to sit watching it happen, then complain when we threw things out she later said she wanted. On moving day, she took more furniture than it was physically possible to put into her bungalow. So more pain followed.
In the midst of all of that, it was difficult to find time to blog or be particularly sexy. As is often the case the memes (Wicked Wednesday, Sinful Sunday, Kink of the week and SoSS kept me going). This year I have learned that writing about something is better than not writing at all. This month too, I joined the Smut Marathon (more of that later).
This post pretty much highlights that sex and kink was a bit lacking in our lives at the beginning of the year. Not entirely surprising given the whirlwind of January. At that time we were also planning for me to move in with him and had begun to get the house ready. Once again meme’s kept the blog going including TMI Tuesday, Food for Thought Friday and Art Twist. Indie and I have discussed bringing the latter back to life and maybe we will do that in 2019. I only recently realised that Kilted Wookie runs F4TF and it took a while to realise also that we had all week to write a post based on the prompt. Sometimes I am pretty slow on the uptake!
At the end of the month, while away for a weekend I managed to delete my blog! I still shudder when I think about how it happened and the work required to put it back together. Thankfully Dom Signs was there to help, I am so grateful to him. The full horror story is here.
This photo was taken hours before my blog went down and so didn’t appear until 3 March. It brings back the better memories of that weekend. In this post I write some more about the blog, but also for the first time about participating in the smut marathon as well as sex and coffee (all important things).
Our sex and kink life was at last on the up. In this Masturbation Monday post I describe some impulsive kinky sex and later in the month our first public play event. I haven’t contributed to Masturbation Monday as much as I would have liked to this year. Mainly because my sex blogging libido has been a little off kilter. But I did have the pleasure of meeting Kayla Lords and her husband John Brownstone at Eroticon. I followed John’s blog first and clearly remember the run up to Kayla moving to be with him which was so exciting. Together they have become quite a force to be reckoned with in the blogging (and podcasting) community.
Eroticon was a wonderful weekend of fun and laughter, plus some amazing sessions at the conference. Apart from Kayla and John we met so many other bloggers and writers that were previously words and pictures on a screen. Marie and Master T, May More, Posy, Eye, Cousin Pons to name but a few. I wrote about it here.
Once again I joined in with the Blogging A-Z challenge. Although there are 31 posts for April, which is getting on for a record I still had to combine some of the A-Z daily posts. Keeping with a mainly kink theme, the posts can be found here.
For the Wicked Wednesday post on Driving Lessons, I wrote about my rather unpleasant driving instructor. I guess this is my Me too incident; thankfully mild, though as you could tell it has stayed with me.
In April we travelled to Seville for the Feria celebrations and had a wonderful week of rest and recuperation. Seville is one of those places that we have pretty much seen and done but return to. The relaxed lifestyle, long lunches, dinners in several parts suits us.
By May, preparations for my move were in full swing. Our weekends were filled with decluttering, house maintenance and beginning to pack. However we did manage to find time for some fun and games. It had been a while since Master bought his girl a tail, but I hadn’t really had the chance to wear it. Until now.
The Smut Marathon moved onto round 5 and to my surprise I was still in the competition. As I mention in my post about round 4, my editing skills were coming under pressure. I tended to write pieces that were much longer than needed, sometimes 4 times as long. Since being out of the competition I have started to try to write stories that are already short and so need less editing. The Smut Marathon was a wonderful competition and I am grateful to Rebel for all her hard work in making it the success it was and will be again.
Hy from A Dissolute Life Means challenged herself and others to Post Every Damn Day in June. I got off to a good start even though at the time I was on holiday in Slovenia. Much of the country is under developed, with beautiful lakes, hills and mountains to explore. A great opportunity for some natural photo opportunities. While away I participated for the first time in Hyacinth’s regular meme: Boobday. I look at my contribution with some sadness as this is the boob I no longer have. The cancer was already growing inside me, though I didn’t know it. I do hope to participate again soon, but more of that in the post I am going to write about the coming year.
There was one final trip away (for a weekend) before the end of June, providing a great Sinful Sunday opportunity. After that, life was crazy as we prepared for my move.
The weather was wonderfully hot. A proper English heatwave. Probably not what you need when you are spending much of your life packing boxes. On one of the last weekends spent before the move, we frolicked in the garden. Not only did I run around naked but we also had anal sex out there. My anxiety about the neighbours seeing anything dissipated under the influence of a bottle or two of wine.
The rest of July is a mad blur. I didn’t post anything of substance until 26th. After the antics in the garden I developed a urinary infection (perhaps the two are linked) and needed antibiotics. Then as soon as I was recovered I moved house. I wrote about it all here. To be honest, I was pretty glad to see the back of July.
August was about finishing up at work. Luckily, with many people away on holiday the roads and railways were quiet, though London was as usual busy. There were few meetings so I was able to declutter my work environment in a reasonably calm way. I had a wonderful send off from colleagues and left on 31st. I also started to reorganise my blog a little, ending one journey page and starting another.
As we gradually settled into our life together we began to rekindle our kinky sides and also had some fun.
All through August I was waiting for the inevitable. I revealed at my mammogram early in the month that I had found a lump in my breast and knew I would be recalled. The first date I was given was for 31st August, but as this was my final day at work I asked for a later appointment. So on 11th September Master and I spent the entire afternoon at a one stop breast clinic. We came away already knowing that cancer was suspected, but had to wait a week for confirmation. The following day I travelled to Cyprus with my mum with a massive plaster on my boob. Over the coming days a huge bruise formed.
Cyprus was beautiful though. Hot sunny days and warm evenings. Even my mum and my attempts to hide my bruising didn’t spoil it. But I really did miss Master and wrote about my longing for him here.
On my return I received the news that we had been both expecting and dreading. I had breast cancer.
I think we saw the inside of more hospital wards and departments than I experienced in the first 3 months of my nursing career. Master was beside me the whole way and has been my rock and guiding light ever since the first appointment. Our hopes of a lumpectomy were dashed as the tumour was too large. So on 15th I had a mastectomy.
Many blog and twitter friends and followers have congratulated me on my positivity in coping with the surgery and aftermath. While I wanted to catalogue my journey and will continue to do so, I didn’t seek to make it seem easy. The operation was straightforward, but the recovery painful and frustration. I wasn’t the best patient, I don’t think nurses usually are. But I was determined not to succumb to self pity and so I guess that is why it came across that way. I started a series of regular posts about my recovery which will continue for as long as necessary.
I felt ready on 11th November to give Sinful Sunday followers a glimpse of my new body. I always knew that I was part of a body positive group of people but have been overwhelmed by the support. None more so than from Molly and that is why I chose Sinful Sunday for this post. Being able to go to the munch that Molly and Signs run and speak openly to others including Sub Bee has really helped. I am looking forward to getting together with Molly in the new year so she can photograph me lots more.
Thank you to everyone who has commented on here, sent me emails and messages on twitter. I know too that Master has found the support from this community to be a really positive thing.
A month of end of year lists and reviews, and I find myself on so many. After everything that has happened this year, I am overwhelmed. Looking back over my blog, I can see that it has been a good year for my writing.
Thank you to those who nominated me for the Kinkly and Chaturbate top sex blog lists. Thank you to May More for the wonderful messages of support and for including me on her Top of the Blogs list. To Floss, who named me as one of her top 20 Lovelies. To Kilted Wookie for putting me on the Naughty List, to Master Venture for including me on his list of people worth following and to Marie Rebelle for including me on her Top 20 of ’18. I am incredibly honoured to have been recognised by so many of the wonderful people I admire in this community.
Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year and to those who have commented and supported me. Here’s to 2019 – more of that to come.
Since I gave up work at the end of August I have had much more time just to be. To think, to write, to cook and to have sex. But to be honest, I haven’t really used the time I have to full advantage. There are many reasons for that.
It has been a busy year. Starting with my mum’s move in January at times I have been like a whirling dervish. Clearing out and packing up at her old house then helping her move was a crazy time. This was followed by clearing out and packing up at my place and then moving in with Master in July. By then I was working my notice and apart from a moving day, I had no holiday days left during that 3 month period.
Since then I have had plenty time to rest. The enforced slow down brought on my my cancer diagnosis has been a blessing. For a few weeks I had little energy and lacked motivation. This was I imagine, my body’s way of telling me it needed to repair. So, I had little choice to give in. And it has served me well as I feel better in myself than I have done for ages. I don’t always sleep well at night, but now I can sleep in later this is less of a problem. I also feel less stressed about things like managing my mum. Indeed my illness has helped her to rely on me less.
A new environment
It has taken time to get sorted in my new home. Master still has work to do in sorting out some of the clutter. This means that not all of my stuff has found its way from the garage to the house. But many of my kitchen gadgets are now in place and I intend to use them. When I brought the Christmas decorations in at the weekend I also found some cookery books. So, no excuse but to get cracking on producing more interesting things in the kitchen.
Blogging and writing
I have found the time to do more writing and have spent more time thinking before I write. For one thing, I have just completed a piece of paid (professional) work and am invoicing for that this week. I plan to look for some work in the spring, but am wondering how I might take a different approach. Whether in the future I could write for money rather than needing to work in an office environment. Certainly something to explore for the future.
As for the blog, well the additional time means I am keeping up with writing regularly. The next thing though is to plan more. Having the headspace to think about writing is much more important than I realised. So when I am not writing, even if you can’t see anything I am thinking (unless I am on twitter, and then I am engaging).
I have bought myself a freelance planner and will be using it for my writing plans, paid and unpaid.
Sex and play
We have had more time for sex and in the main we have used it well. We have been more sexually active especially in the past few weeks. It is likely there will be a lull in the new year, when I have my radiotherapy treatment. But I am sure we will get back on track quickly. We have only played the once since August and that was at the fem sub social we went to a few weeks ago. We definitely need to make more time for play.
It is unusual for us that we haven’t been away since our time in Oxford post surgery. But we have plans to travel to warmer climbs as soon as the radiotherapy is finished. It feels a wonderful luxury to be able to do this and not worry about time off work. We also have plans for an extended trip to France in the summer.
I always imagined that after I stopped working time would drag. But it really doesn’t. Doing things at a slower pace and not rushing about help this. That isn’t to say that I don’t still have my moments. But I am enjoying having more time to just be me.
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It is 6 and a half years since I joined the sex blogging world. When I started my blog was about describing new experiences and their emotional effect on me. A diary of events mixed in with memes and other stuff when life was uneventful. My blog has changed a lot since my first post in April 2012. Not just in terms of format or hosting but also the way I write. I’ve been going back recently to update SEO key phrases (lost when I changed hosts in February), so I can see. I tended then to write very long sentences (still do sometimes). Mainly because of a tendency to write 20 words when 10 would do fine. Rightly or wrongly I have been editing some of them to make them more punchy. More like I write now, but without changing the meaning.
I am proud to be part of the sex blogging community. Never more so than today, because for the first time I am in the top 100 sex blog list, compiled by Molly.
The list contains some brilliant blogs and many are bloggers I aspire to emulate. Not in terms of content exactly, but style, professionalism and skill. As always there are blogs I have never read and so there is new material to peruse.
I am so pleased that Marie Rebelle is in the number 1 spot with Rebel’s Notes. She joins a growing list of blogging community leaders who have achieved that accolade. The full list is below.
100. YOU! The last spot is for the all the other awesome sex bloggers out there. It is just not possible to include everyone, I relied on the nominations to gather the list and I am sure there are people missing, but this place is for you because every single one of you counts and contributes towards this community.
When I was 8 I was entered into a writing competition at school and won a good called ‘Mrs Cockle’s Cat’ for my troubles. I had a vivid imagination as a child, and preferred to create my own fiction, rather than keeping to exactly what the teacher might have wanted. So much so, that in a music competition at aged 11, I made up a tune rather than follow the one on the page in front of me. I found my own life dull and so also told ‘tales’ of a more exciting existence. At some point during my secondary school years though I realised I had to start to be truthful and also produce the work requested. But that didn’t stop me and a friend writing romantic fiction about the boys we fancied. But we restricted our activities to evenings and weekends.
Once in nursing school
My life became about writing patient notes and reports, plus of course essays and course work. There was little time to continue creating fiction and anyway I had my own boyfriend by then. Plus nursing friends with interesting relationships and patients who led fascinating lives (well one or two of them did). My writing was forced to take on a factual side and what’s more it could no longer be based on my opinion.
Some time in my early 20’s I began to write fiction again. As before, I wrote in longhand in notebooks. This time, given that I was already married but bored with the long hours my husband worked, the romance became a little more raunchy. Sex had been a bit of an anticlimax in my own reality and so I became creative on the page. Looking back it is amazing that I was able to write such erotica given my lack of experience. Remember that back then, there was no access to the wealth of information we have today. Mind you at least I was aware of anatomy because of my nursing experience. Once I had my son there was little time for writing for pleasure. I was soon back working full time, studying for a degree and looking after him. My hands were full enough.
At some point in the 90’s we got ourselves a computer in the house
Soon after I found myself helping my son to create his own website about his favourite cartoon characters. I impressed myself, as well as him when it actually worked. Not long after that I discovered blogger and began my first blog. This was based on my work, by now nursing management. I wrote mainly opinion pieces and some that were researched as well as a kind of academic diary. In fact, I later used the blog as the basis for my reflective practice aspect for the Masters I was studying at the time.
My work over the past few years has involved a lot of writing – reports, papers, proposals and the like. Some long and in-depth. I have enjoyed constructing them, though not always the deadlines. But it feels as if the creativity I once had is somewhat buried beneath facts. My attempts at writing fiction on this blog while well received haven’t been easy to produce. I have much more time to write the things I want to now. So, perhaps it is time to rediscover the imagination I know I had as a child. What I won’t do though, is to stop voicing my opinion. This is my blog and I can write whatever I wish.
There are times when I wonder if I am truly submissive. As I go about my daily life, making decisions and just getting on with things. Should I defer on all things? Should I ask for more direction?
Well, no actually. After almost 5 years in this relationship we have settled into our roles. Yes, things have changed. I don’t feel the need to be in control all of the time in all things. I no longer need to know everything that is going to happen, I trust him to be in control. That includes deferring to him for advice in a way that I had never known possible before. Master has a quiet, but powerful way of getting me to make decisions where I need to or ensuring that he does where it is better for me. I know I am a strong woman, but I need his support in more ways than I even knew. What is more, I am happy and proud to be his submissive.
What does safe mean?
He makes me feel safe. Indeed, my submission gives me a safety net. It means that I trust him to look after me whether in daily life, or when we are playing. I feel safe that he is making the right decisions for me and us. That isn’t to say that I don’t argue, become ‘unruly’ or ‘bratty’. But who doesn’t push against what they know to be good for them?
Safe also means a safe word. I may be a slave, but we have never abolished my safe word. While I have never used it, I would if I needed to. As it happens, I only have to express that something is wrong when we play and he will stop. I guess that is what makes me feel safe in his hand, I trust him to make sure no harm comes to me.
BDSM in submission and play
Our life when it comes to BDSM and kink play is set into something of a routine. Our sex-life may look vanilla to the uninitiated observer. But only if there were no sound on the video – words and actions are important for us. Just when I think things are a little predictable he makes me pee on him, or he on me. Or he will make me get on my knees, undo his trousers and tell me to suck him off.
Play is not a regular feature, but we have the equipment at the ready and suddenly it will appear. More recently we have attended clubs where both my submission and our play have been on display. I hope we can find a way to continue to do that, including the CMnf events.
Limits over time
When we met I thought I was pretty clear about my limits. Over time he has pushed them slowly and carefully. My level of trust is such now, that I am happy to declare I have no limits. In truth of course there are, but he knows what they are. I have faith that he wouldn’t put me in danger, but will stretch my acceptance of his kinks. You can’t make this kind of thing happen, it takes time, patience and communication. And we have worked on all 3.
My advice to others
Be prepared to look deeply at yourself and to answer questions about your words and actions. Even those in the past. Trust that you and your dominant will need time to settle into your roles, just as you do in regular life. Allow your submission to develop in your dominant’s hands, let them lead and trust your true personality to emerge. It isn’t always easy, you won’t always get it right but a strong relationship will allow you to be the submissive you both want. Finally trust your instincts – if you think you are submissive then you probably are.