Our changing lifestyle

Friday 31st August was the last day in my job. I bought cakes and fruit for people in the office, went for lunch with colleagues and then sent my final emails. For the first time in my almost 38 year career I voluntarily walked from my workplace with no job to go to. 5 years ago I was made redundant, but within weeks I was working again. This time will be different, I am as yet undecided as to whether I want or need another job. What is more, I have made a deal with myself not to think about it until the new year.

This week we are in France. The weather is glorious, the days still a little longer than at home. We have nothing to do but be together and to remind ourselves of why we love just being together. On the spur of the moment we have extended our stay, because we can. We don’t need to be home till Sunday and neither of us has work or other responsibilities to pull us back yet.

The events of the last weeks – the move, winding down then leaving work – have sapped me of energy. I have struggled to feel sexy for my man even when he tells me how much he wants and needs me. I have slept alot this holiday and while awake Master has paid lots of attention to me and my body. Gradually I am beginning to feel human again and yes, a little horny. He asked me this morning how that manifests itself, and I had to think. It is a long time since I took the initiative, made it clear what I want. Now though maybe I am ready.

Our lifestyle to date has involved me working 4 days a week and spending those evenings alone at home, then us coming together for the weekend. Some Fridays I visit my mum and stay over. For months there has been work around the house, packing, decluttering. But now we have much more time to be together and make a life together.

What is clear is that certain elements of our M/s relationship which have been a little on the back burner will be able to come to the fore. We have been talking about our feelings, of ways in which his dominance and my submission is important to us. This is an evolving picture and something I will express here on my blog over the coming days, weeks and months. What I know is, for the first time I am putting me, our relationship and importantly Him first from now on.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Black bra

This afternoon, given the cool and wet weather we decided to sort out some of my clothes. Since I moved in with Master a month ago, the weather has generally been pretty warm and dry. Over the past week there has been a gradual deterioration until today it is dull, cool and very wet. With the change in seasons waiting around the corner there was a need to unpack more clothes. Plus a couple of trips away in the next few weeks mean that I will need to free up some luggage. 

The first bag I unpacked contained underwear. As I sorted through the bras, Master picked out this lovely black number. He was interested to understand when I bought it, and if I had ever worn it, since it is padded. To be honest, it fits him better than me. And to answer his questions, I don’t know and probably never. 

He looks amazing and what’s more he loved wearing it and put his shirt back on, over the top. Next we found a couple of leather bras Master bought me, but which I have rarely worn. Of course I slipped into one of them and also the fetching collar you can see me wearing below.

Me wearing a leather bra and collar with the words bitch.

That’s pretty much all the unpacking we did today, since one thing led to another and we retired to bed. I am not sure that some of the other unpacking we still need to do will be quite so much fun, but you never know.

Sinful Sunday

Looking back at my Smut Marathon experience

Today the round 7 Smut Marathon results were published. We had been out for the day, but as I was the passenger rather than driver, I was able to take a look at the comments and then results. I was pleased to see that my favourite story came top and that others I enjoyed did well. The quality in this round was amazing and voting especially difficult. 

Round 6

In round 6, I was eliminated from the competition, something of a relief. On 15th July, when the results were published I was feeling rather unwell. At that time I didn’t know what was wrong, but for a few days I had been tired and lacked energy. Worse my bladder had developed a mind of its own. When I needed to pee, I really did. 

I was also in the middle of packing up my house to move. Months, if not years of preparation to leave my marital home and move in with Master were coming to a conclusion. The Smut Marathon was really the least of my priorities. In the run up to the deadline, I wasn’t sure I would even be able to write. But in the final few days I wrote something.

In hindsight it is clear that just dumping my thoughts into a document and editing for word count only is not going to be enough. But to be honest, I felt the need to send something, anything. It felt wrong not to submit an entry when others had been eliminated in the previous round. So time for a confession. Until today, I have not looked at my entry, I haven’t read anyone else’s. I didn’t vote and I didn’t comment. when the results were published, I responded to Marie’s email telling me I had been eliminated. But I didn’t look at the scoring or anything else.

I feel embarrassed to admit this today. But in mid July I had no energy for a writing competition. I had a urinary infection, was about to move house and like most of the rest of us in the northern hemisphere was existing in a heat wave. 

Today I have read comments on my entry – #14 Slave’s deepest fantasy. People were in the main kind but clear. My punctuation left something to be desired, I used the same or similar words in close proximity (a pet hate) so clearly I hadn’t edited properly. What is more, mention of the prompt was at best transient. I could have done better.

What I have taken from the competition

Fiction is something I have to work at. It doesn’t come naturally to me, even adapting my own life experiences feels like hard work. I struggle to be creative, to think outside the box. I am in awe of my fellow participants who easily write about crime, vampires and science fiction. In part, this might be due to the fact I don’t read masses of erotic fiction and when I do, it is reasonably mainstream. But I know my writing has improved during the time I was part of the Smut Marathon. I have been encouraged by the wonderful feedback and help from Marie. But also the comments left by the judges and those voting. 

My favourite round was 5 – I wrote a story from the perspective of a sex toy. I will post the story on my blog in the next few days since I am proud of it. Somehow I found my creative juices and allowed my writing to flow. In that round, I received my best votes and also feedback. I will take that forward into next year. Because people, I know I can write, I can edit my work and I can put commas in the right places (most of the time). I also do have a creative side and I can show it. I will take the experiences of this year with me. But also, I will continue to learn from those still in the competition.

Journey’s end?

This journey

Yesterday I had some time to sit and think about my blog. About the journey I began over 6 years ago when I started writing. I pondered whether that path had reached its conclusion. At the beginning I had no idea where I was going, if anywhere. All I knew was that I needed something different in my life. Something more than I had then. I understood this was to be a journey and thought I would know when I had arrived.

The two relationships that were in place back then are history. Extracting myself from my marriage of 30+ years has proved harder than I imagined. That journey has been painful and emotionally draining. But he is now happily living in what was our home with his (not so) new partner. Recently I attended his mum’s funeral and saw them together. It was clear that they have a strong relationship, something he denied to me for a long time.

Last night I mentioned to Master that I wasn’t sure about continuing this blog, because my journey is complete. But is that true? For him, my moving in to his home as his 24/7 slave has greater meaning than I understood.

Being his Slave

Over the past few months I had almost forgotten about that element of our relationship. Of course, I wear my collar and cuff and my piercings are a constant physical reminder. Our sex life is always a reminder of the M/s nature of our relationship. But during the busy and very hot days of June and July we didn’t have loads of sex. Preparations to move meant we spent lots of time at my place, but we were busy and everything we did was about working towards the move.

The first week or two were a period of adjustment but gradually we are settling into something of a routine. Only now though am I able to see the subtle changes that are coming to be. Even as I considered whether I wanted to write my blog any more, even as I uttered the words about the journey, I knew.

Over the past couple of years being Master’s slave has in the main been about what we do in the bedroom or play room. Not about our every day life. I am, as he often tells me an unruly slave. Rebellious, open with my thoughts and feelings, often pushing back against any attempt to control me. That’s easy when you have your own home and don’t live together. Also when you are financially secure and don’t need to rely on another.

Now though things will be different and what I have discovered is that he is excited by this. He loves the fact I am here with him, he wants to have more control over me. Also that I will be more financially dependent on him (though I have my own money and may yet get another job). He enjoys taking care of me, cooking and so forth. I also want to take care of him, and find my submissive self reawakening.

We had some very hot sex last night and again this morning. It is often during those moments of heightened arousal and passion that the truth is spoken. I clearly saw in myself, particularly last night a need I had forgotten existed. Over the coming weeks I fully expect to need to articulate this much more. What better place to do so than here on my blog.

The end of the journey? I don’t think so.

Reconnecting

This photo was taken on holiday last month as we lay together on the bed after a bath. This tender moment is reflective of some time we have been able to share this week.

As mentioned in my previous post, I moved in to Master’s house this week. After probably 3 years of planning and preparations the moment finally arrived. We are getting used to being together full time. I am still working at the moment, so there are times a part but by the end of August we will be together much more.

For me, this week has been about finding places to put my stuff and adapting to my new life.  I am happy to be in this position, but know it will take me a while to properly settled in my new life. However, I have come home to him of an evening and we have eaten dinner and also enjoyed a couple of jacuzzi baths together.

For him though, I can see this is about something a little more profound. As Master he wants his slave with him 24/7. He wants to be able to care for her and to have her there to use as he wishes. This weekend, I know he feels that his slave has arrived and from now on life can be as he wants it. We are both practical people, and neither of us are living in some kind of romantic dream world. But moments like the ones we had this morning when he was able to reclaim me in the way he wants and likes are important. There was no photo of that time and the one above is about as close as I can give right now.

Sinful Sunday

What I know now

It is the 50th Food 4 Thought Friday, which is a major accomplishment. I am in awe of all within this blogging community that run memes. There is an extraordinary amount of work. So well done and thank you. Having said that, I usually struggle to participate in everything. But since I am trying to post every day in June, and I am on holiday, with wifi, here goes.

What I know now

What one part of your sex life today would most surprise the 18 year old you?

Probably that at the age of 55 I have sex at all. I was so naive back then and uneducated about sex. I never envisaged people as old as I am now even had sex.

What one thing might shock that younger you?

The extent to which I enjoy sex. That being with the right partner is the key to enjoyment and that we are meant to enjoy sex (not sure if that is one answer or 3).

Is there anything in the younger you’s sexual ambitions or fantasies you have not yet fulfilled?

I have probably surpassed them. Having bought the Joy of Sex shortly after my marriage when I was about 22, we spent some time trying out various sexual positions.  I wish I still had a copy to check out if I have had sex in all of them. It felt slightly naughty and a bit hippy at the time. I’m not sure if anal was even in there, but if it was then I’ve done that too.

What part of the younger you’s sex life do you look back on with the most nostalgia?

Probably the ability to work all day, party all evening and still have sex at the end of the night. Because we had so much energy then. I have a hunch that Master and I would have been proper party animals if we had known each other. Because as I said at the beginning, compatibility is the key.

Body image

Like many women I have a problem with the way I perceive my own body. I currently weigh close to my maximum ever, though it has fallen a little lately. But even when I was a good 2 stone lighter than I am now, I struggled with my body image. I am tall, and can carry off the extra weight to some extent, but I would rather be slim.

My ex often used to pass comment when he thought I was putting on weight, not always in a nice way. But also, he rarely complemented me on the way I looked, or told me I was especially sexy or attractive. Don’t think he never did so, but usually it was about a hair cut or new dress. Well that’s my perception.

Master on the other hand likes to see my body. He compliments me all of the time, and tells me I turn him on. He wants me wearing clothes that he feels show off the best of my body. Also, he wants access to the parts he wants to be able to touch. He takes photos of me that he considers sexy and worthy of sharing and I do so too. With him, I feel happy and safe in my body. To an extent.

This might be why I had managed to lose weight and then have put it all on. Though I usually lose and gain in this cyclical way. Complacency had set in and having believed I looked sexy to him and only he mattered I stopped worrying. Now though I hate the way I look to myself, what is more the clothes I bought 2 summers ago don’t fit.

So, when I post photos of myself naked and semi naked, I will have thought long and hard about putting them out there. He likes them, I like to show my body, I am an exhibitionist. But body image is a thing for me and I choose to lose weight right now. If I can I will keep the weight off after, but that is a whole other thing.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

#SoSS: What’s to see?

Today’s post for ‘Every damn day in June’ is also a SoSS: What’s to see on the kinky web?

Work was so busy before I came away on holiday, that I had limited time to read and also write. I’ve struggled to look at all of the Sinful Sunday’s for last week and haven’t read most of the Wicked Wednesday posts. But I have read anything that has popped into my email inbox or twitter time line. So I am not entirely behind.

I have never participated in Hyacinth’s Boob day and must get round to it some time. I usually take a peek though and was drawn to Modesty’s offering. She manages to get into some great places for both Boob day and Sinful Sunday and this is no exception.

As most people know, Marie is one of the most active bloggers in our little community. Not only does she run Wicked Wednesday and the Smut Marathon but she also contributes to Masturbation Monday and Wicked Wednesday. This week she has posted a round up of all of the 12 word stories she has posted in May. For those that  don’t know about Story in 12, it is a Twitter based meme inviting readers to write a story in 12 words using a different prompt each day.  Started by Molly and Wriggly Kitty it has taken off really quickly and is great fun.

I met Posy Churchgate at Eroticon and we managed to have a chat, though not for as long as I would have liked as she was only there for the one day. Her post about being BDSM curious has resulted in much discussion. I came from a similar point to her, being curious and not knowing how to get my partner interested. For me though, there was no possibility of venturing into D/s or other aspects of BDSM with him. Instead I went out on my own and finally met the man I call Master. I admire the thoughtful way she is approaching this journey and the clarity she has about the importance of her long term relationship.

Finally for this post, May More has migrated her diaries from 1997. This will give us an insight to May before May Matters. I really do envy May this archive and also a life that was way more interesting than mine. I have read the first couple of posts but will be returning for much more. May was at Eroticon too, and we managed a longer chat. Trouble was it was in the pub at the social and wine was involved. Fingers crossed I get to meet up with both May and Posy again in the future.

 

His voice (and other things)

I don’t think we spoke on the phone before we met. I’m not even sure we had a voice conversation on MSM (remember that messaging service). Our conversations, and there were many during that week or so, were all text. But on the basis of the things that were said, we met. It was a pub and it was a Saturday afternoon.

Sitting in that pub, with my diet coke (I needed to keep my wits about me and hadn’t eaten) we sat and talked. I probably spoke much more than him. Nerves will have given me verbal diahorrea and I tend to have a lot to say anyway. I can’t remember if I was turned on by his appearance, but possibly not. There was definitely something about him though, his hand on my leg, the smell of him and his voice.

In the most, Master is softly spoken and to me his voice is a little deeper than you expect. He is a slight, slim person but when he opens his mouth there is something about the tone that stops me in my tracks, even now. With the cultured English accent of someone brought up to speak properly, he pronounces his consonants. There is little more sexy in my book than someone speaking dirty in a posh English accent. He knows a lot of stuff, he is (scarily) well read, attended one of the top universities and is intelligent. I love just listening to him speak. True to say, mind that I sometimes drift off and forget to actually listen.

Sometimes too he says things I disagree with, we don’t share the same politics for example. But we can get around that because we have the same values and some how manage to compromise.

Accent, tone of voice or other verbal cues from another can be attractive, sexy or the opposite. But a relationship is never going to develop on that basis. Master doesn’t have a toned and muscly body, he has the thinnest legs of any adult I have seen. But he is strong, fitter than he looks and has a very nice cock, plus he knows how to use it!

He is kind and considerate, looks after me but also keeps me in check. He tells me he finds me sexy and that I turn him on, just at the time I feel worst about my body. There are some irritating things about him: he has to check out facts before he believes the expertise of others and sometimes he still prefers his own view. He gets sidetracked easily so might not get things done quickly. Sometimes he can be brusque, say something another might find offensive – a case of mouth before brain. But I know his heart is in the right place and that he can probably discuss himself out of the hole he has dug.

I never believed I would find another man to be in love with. Master has taught me so much about our dynamic and helped me find out who I am. He has shared his love of books, music, film and travel. In return I have given him myself and my submission, not to mention the benefit of my own wisdom and interests.

My instinct that February day 4 years ago has proved right. I didn’t foresee we would still be together let alone that I would be about to move in with him. But I am and these are just a few of the reasons why.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Elust #106

Elust 106 submiss34f Header image

Photo courtesy of submiss34f

Welcome to Elust 106

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #107? Start with the rules, come back June 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

Orgasms Save Me From Myself

Charlie’s Bar

I’m Not Ready to Love My Body

~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~

Letters and Lonely Hearts

I Want to Curve and Ache

~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~

Don’t fear the smear

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too*
All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!

Body Talk and Sexual Health

Transitioning Sexual Health
Don’t fear the smear
How do you make sex toys accessible?
Having a IUD fitted

Erotic Non-Fiction

Xebec
Do You Still Know How?
Old Style Porn
From behind
These Feet
Trust

Thoughts & Advice on Sex & Relationships

You, Me, Her

Erotic Fiction

Orinoco Flow
Bastinado
Shivers
Spanking (A Vignette)
An Evening Out
Face To Face
In Lucy’s hands
More than Friends: Pushing Limits

Writing About Writing

The Importance of a Muse to This Writer

Thoughts & Advice on Kink & Fetish

Pegging and Prostate
Dating: Hope vs Delusion
Going Deeper
Conviction

Poetry

-05.05.18_17:52-

Blogging

My secret identity: a sex-blogging superhero

 

Elust