Ever since I read the Diary of Anne Frank as a child I loved the idea of writing a diary or journal. Of course, the fact that Anne suffered and died as she did, mean that her writings have survived in a way none of us would wish. But as a young girl I loved the idea of revealing my thoughts and feelings within a written format. The trouble was that I didn’t have much to reveal, even to myself. Over the years I tried again and again but found my life dull, even to myself.
It wasn’t until I started blogging, early in the 2000s that I started to keep a more lasting record. Then I wrote reflective pieces about my work as a nurse as well as thoughts about the UK health system. Some of them were incredibly personal, but for some reason I felt more able to share with an anonymous internet than I could in a book. When, in 2012 I embarked on this journey, I deleted my work related blog. I feared the two being linked. I am sad that I didn’t just take them offline, but that’s another story.
Starting this blog
This is the third iteration of my submissive journey. I started it to document a whole new part of my life. While many of the first few posts were about specific events, I quickly began to create a deeper picture of my life. A journal.
Steve and I had met a couple of times, but it wasn’t clear that we would continue to do so. I began to chat online with a very intense young Dominant who somehow persuaded me to talk to him on a deeper level than I ever had before. It was a short relationship. But it was he who suggested I write a journal which would help me understand myself and where I thought I was heading. So I created a page where I did just that. This remains part of my blog and can be found here.
Over time I updated the page with links to posts that I felt related to my feelings. Looking back now, I can see that this is the closest to the journal I always wanted. For some reason writing in this format allowed me the freedom to write in a way I had always wanted.
I now have three pages that are essentially a chronological journal. Sometimes additions are added regularly (every week or two) but more often now, they are monthly.
Blogging versus writing a journal
Some blog posts are personal and lend themselves to being linked to the journal pages. But in the main they are not. Weeks and sometimes months go by when I feel life has just been happening. Blog posts are about specific topics or tell a story. Often they are not especially personal of profound, or they don’t feel like they are. However, when I go back to look, there is something that makes me feel I need to keep a record.
Many of the most recent f journal entries relate to my breast cancer diagnosis and treatment. At that time I was thankful that I had this place to write my thoughts and feelings day by day. But then later to be able to link them to my current journal page.
Master and I both look back at what I have written from time to time. It helps to understand where I have come from and they journey we have both taken to now. It’s just that now is an ever moving place.
This is my fourth Blogging A to Z challenge and from the badge above you can see it is their 10th Anniversary. I have been wavering over entering again as posting every day is enough of a challenge. What is harder is thinking up something to write about for each letter over several years. This year I am going to theme my entries around my blog itself.
This month is the 7th anniversary of my blog which started as World of Joolz in April 2012. I plan to use some of my archives to share something of the history of my blog. This will include updating some posts and write new ones that tell something of my journey. I also plan to write some erotica based on some of the archive material.
Over the past few months I have found myself in some strange but pretty serious situations. I have had to take my top off for doctors and other health professionals more times than most models do for a photographer in a whole career. Everyone is very professional and careful to protect privacy and dignity. But we do smile about it afterwards. G comes with me to appointments and even though they think he is my husband they are very careful that he doesn’t see my naked chest behind the curtain. Of course you should never take these things for granted, but it does amuse us.
In the waiting room
Over the past 3 weeks we have been making daily trips to the cancer hospital for radiotherapy treatment. It’s a reasonably big place with about 9 or 10 Linear Accelerators and most have their own little waiting area. The radiography teams are often running late, so you are sitting in close proximity to (often anxious) people for a while. During the first week, there was an abundance of people talking about their illnesses, not only their own but everyone they have ever known. Not so much funny as irritating, especially for G who has to spend longer listening.
Last Monday though we were waiting with a group of 3 women; daughter (the patient), her mother and a friend who had driven them. The conversation was about whether the mother and daughter who lived together should invest in amazon prime. There then ensued a conversation where all 3 called out films that could or could not be accessed on the service. A conversation about the chronological order and quality of the Alien films ensued. Plus the daughter wanted access to ‘christian’ music to listen to all day. I guess it is a measure of our daily lives right now that this was amusing. So much so that we have been talking about it all week. Especially when we were trying to find something to watch on Amazon Prime that was worth watching and at no extra cost.
Our own laugh filled viewing
We don’t watch much real time TV, mainly because we can’t find much to appeal. Recently we’ve been binge watching some old stuff. One from our youth that made us laugh was the Beiderbeck Trilogy – jazz, intrigue and comedy rolled into one. I never watched My Name is Earl when it was on TV, but we’ve been watching some episodes of that too.
At the cinema we saw the new Laurel and Hardy Biopic: Stan and Ollie which we really enjoyed. The bits when they were doing their act was like watching the real thing. It made us laugh out loud. It was serious and sad too, but the funny bits were real belly laugh moments. We rounded off with a couple of original films which added to the fun and laughter.
I pledge my commitment to blog for my mental health. I will write about mental health topics not only for myself but for others. I do this to destigmatize mental illness and to promote mental health awareness & education. I am a sex blogger for mental health. #sb4mh #bfmh #notalone #SexNotStigma
I’m not a vocal person when I’m having sex. But just because I don’t scream with pleasure, doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying it. Nor does it mean that I am not aroused or not about to come. Given the choice I would internalise all of the feelings I have about what I am doing and just allow them to wash over me. But I don’t really have the choice, since Master demands a reaction from me. During sex he will be talking dirty and when he does, I do too.
Master likes to tell me exactly what he is doing to me and how it is making him feel. If his cock is deep inside me he will let me know how deep it is and how wet I am. These tend to be things I already know, but the fact he is telling me concentrates my mind. He loves to talk about breeding me, which is something I would have liked too, if we had met sooner. This is one of his fantasies and I actually find it reassuring, it shows he loves me that much.
Much of what he says though could be described as both dirty and degrading, if you were of that mind. He call’s me a bitch and a slut and asks me who I am and if I am his. He derives enormous power from the things I say to him, that I am his slave, his pleasing bitch, his slut. You see I am not just any bitch or slut, but HIS and that is what is important. His dominance over me is confirmed for him when I am talking dirty to him, especially as my natural stat is not to speak at all. This confirms his power and authority and in that moment he is not only my Master, but my Lord too.
How talking dirty feels to me
When I tell Master that I am his pleasing bitch it reaffirms my submission. Reminds me of the slave I agreed to be and am. It helps me to focus on him and on nothing else and to remember who is the boss here. I am a consenting and willing participant, but he is in charge and calls the shots. I am there to please him, to be the slut he wants and needs. Uttering those words puts me into a space I don’t tend to inhabit all of the time.
That means that while most of our dirty talk takes place in the bedroom, or perhaps playroom there are other times. He might come up behind me, hold me and whisper in my ear: “who’s bitch are you” and of course I will answer that I am his. He rarely calls me Julie, but instead girl. This is all part of his belief that I remember my submission better if I am constantly reminded of it. Knowing that I am this girl really does focus me. And when he calls me bitch or slut instead of girl, my cunt clenches and submission becomes sexual arousal. Which I guess is all part of what I am and who I am. Master’s Pleasing Bitch, sex slave to her Master.
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It is with pleasure that I am able to contribute to a new meme hosted by Brigit Delaney. I am approaching 2019 with some blogging enthusiasm and so, having the time to sit and write is a massive bonus. The first prompt is about sensuality and the senses and considering my topic and approach led me to our last play session in early December.
We have attended the club in question a few times now for both CMnf and more relaxed social events. That day was a Christmas social and I had dressed in my Santa girl outfit, complete with stockings. My only other lingerie was my bra.
I climb up onto the bench and lean over so that my knees and shins are positioned on the leg rests. stretching my arms I am pleased to find that I can find a comfortable position for them. I lay my head on the cool plastic on the bench and close my eyes. Master lifts my dress and slowly strokes my bottom with soft fingers. He starts with a soft rubber flogger and brushes it over my cheeks, teasing as he strokes between my already moist thighs.
There is music playing in the background. One of those CDs that comes out at Christmas with all of the old favourites on. Since it is early December, this is the first time I have heard Christmas music this year. I can also hear the sound of people talking, mainly in low voices to each other and also the sounds of others playing. The swish of a flogger, the impact of a paddle or cane and the cries of other submissive girls in the midst of pain and pleasure.
Master moves around quietly, choosing the next toy with which to torture and from time to time he checks in, whispering in my ear. Calming me, reassuring me and making sure I am in a good place, and I am.
I have my head down, and so my field of vision is limited. I am also facing the Christmas tree and the speaker from where the music is coming. Anyway, I keep my eyes closed for most of the time. It helps me to concentrate on the pain and on channeling my feelings about it. By concentrating on the sounds rather than what I can see I can block the real world from my head.
To begin with the main smell if of plastic and the alcohol used to clean the bench. It is not unpleasant, but kind of clinical. But as time passes and the intensity of the impact on my bottom increases, I become aware of something else. My nostrils fill with the aroma of my own arousal. That sweet smell of sex and this increases as he runs his fingers over my slick pussy lips. He sniffs his finger and then leans his head over mine. “you’re very wet” he says. “Girl is very turned on”. Indeed she is and she can feel and smell it.
When I had first lay down on the bench all I could taste was the Prosecco I had just sipped. But within minutes I can taste my apprehension. My mouth dries and I have to lick my lips to maintain some moisture. As time progresses and my own sex fills my nostrils so my mouth waters and I can almost taste my own juices. As the session draws to a close he leans and kisses me and then I taste a mixture of him, me and prosecco. An intoxicating blend.
The past couple of weeks have been way busier than I had imagined they would be. Partly because my mum who was staying locally for Christmas extended her stay for my son’s wedding. Over the last couple of days though I’ve had the chance to do some reading and to begin some planning for the year ahead.
Recently I was sent a survey by Twitter about my experiences of their wonderful social media platform. I am only being slightly ironic about the word ‘wonderful’ since my twitter experience is generally good. I have met and got to know people through that media and widely promote my blog there. Anyway, they asked what I would like to see them do differently. I told them to acknowledge they shadow ban people and to refrain from doing it. If people do something wrong they deserve to know what it is. I won’t hold my breath though, since you aren’t changing something you don’t admit exits!
Onto my favourite blogs and posts of the last week or so.
It was only after she left a comment on my review of the year post that I realised I had completely missed out my meeting with Indy. The three of us spend a wonderful afternoon and evening together in September exploring Oxford. We managed to take a few great photos in the beautiful restaurant loo, which we cross posted for Sinful Sunday. Indy also visited me after my operation, bringing news of her travels and chocolate. Both were just the boost I needed having been told I needed to stay another night in hospital. You can read the first part of Indy’s own review of the year here. I wish we lived closer to each other as I know we would be great real life friends. But we intend to make the most of technology to keep in touch. News of a joint collaboration will follow (queue suspense).
Fabulous as 40 and beyond
It was great to meet Exposing 40 at Eroticon over the past couple of years. In fact she was the first person to come up and ask if I was MPB! I was happy and proud this week to be included in her 40 over 40 list, along with so many of my favourite bloggers, writers and tweeters. Also a few I don’t know and will need to follow up on. Exposing 40’s photography talents inspire and excite me and I am looking forward to attending her Eroticon session in March.
Pain and childbirth
Last year I also met Livvy at Eroticon, firstly I think when she asked me to sign her copy of the Anthology. We laughed when I almost wrote my real surname. It has been wonderful to follow Livvy’s pregnancy and then the birth of Martha just before Christmas. Her recent post about the pain and trauma of childbirth and how it relates to tolerance pain experienced during impact play.
As always, Livvy’s writing is thought provoking and honest. I can relate to her approach and the juxtaposition between her medial knowledge and the reality of giving birth. I recognise the euphoria she describes in the hours before the actual birth, helped along by the pain control she had taken. Interestingly I am able to find a similar place during play and I guess that is what Livvy might explore at a later date. I think her pain threshold is way higher than she imagines it is.
Inspirational writing and a new challenge
This week’s theme on Wicked Wednesday was Vignettes. I was keen to follow the prompt, but struggled with inspiration. I had a potential theme but worried that I hadn’t left myself enough time to get it done. As it was, my post about our dynamic took some thought and could have been written in that form too. My personal favourite this week was Brigit Delaney’s – The Storm. A beautiful tale so simply told through 11 vignettes. Hers is writing such as I aspire to emulate. I have so much to learn about erotic writing and we are lucky to have writers like Brigit around. She is a great support to other bloggers and writers is now launching her Erotic Journal Challenge which I intend to join.
So 2018 is over. In many ways an awful year, but also one where great things happened, as I wrote in my review. 2019 promises to be one of further change, but hopefully less momentous.
Final thoughts on 2018
Looking at my stats just now, I realised I wrote 198 posts in 2018. Just a last push and I would have written 200. What has been different this year, is that even when I didn’t feel like writing I did. Those 198 posts comprised 72,546 words an average of 366 per posts. Considering my Sinful Sunday posts often contain no or very few words, that is good going. Over the course of the year my traffic doubled, and certainly over the past few months the level of interaction has been massive. During the year there were 866 comments on my posts.
The top 5 posts for the year were a little surprising:
First Experience – A kink of the week / Wicked Wednesday post about my first experience of anal sex written in January 2018
2019 is here
This year I intend to carry on writing about whatever takes my fancy. In past years I just stopped writing if I couldn’t think of anything sexy or kinky to say. Last year I realised I can write what I want here and people will still read and comment. This blog is now a diary cataloging almost 7 years of my life, every word remains valid even if I don’t like to read some of it.
There will be more fiction, I just still don’t know if I want to join the Smut Marathon. I’ll probably go right up to the wire on this. There will be plenty of meme participation including hopefully February Photofest. I’m pretty sure I will voice my opinion on a plenty of topics, some will be kink related and some won’t.
First of all though I have some treatment to go through. Yesterday I had 3 tiny black dots tattooed onto my skin and next Thursday my radiotherapy begins. I lay on my back, arms up while they performed a CT scan and ran through a simulation of the radiotherapy. My chest was covered with a gel mat which felt cool – probably a good thing as they will be using it during the treatment.
Radiotherapy will run daily (week days) till 30th so that will be January and then in February we will hopefully go away on a holiday somewhere warm. It is difficult to think past all of that at the moment, but we have ideas and plans for more fun things. I will need to find some work later in the year, but hope to keep to short freelance projects.
The biggest thing personally will probably be the divorce. Once that is done, then we will see what next.
From where I sit this afternoon, the first of 2019 the future looks pretty bright. Happy New Year.
This year, more than most I can remember has been a time of immense highs and unbelievable lows. It has also been one of great change. For so long I talked about making those changes and there were many times that I thought they would never happen. This blogging year has also been one of highs and lows, a year where my writing has developed and grown but also one when I almost lost my blog. There is so much to write about this year and so many people to thank and mention so here goes.
The year started in a bit of a whirlwind as I supervised the packing and moving for my mum. There was over 30 years worth of stuff in her large 3 bedroom house. The concept of downsizing was completely alien to her and consequently this was a stressful time for me and my brothers. She tended to sit watching it happen, then complain when we threw things out she later said she wanted. On moving day, she took more furniture than it was physically possible to put into her bungalow. So more pain followed.
In the midst of all of that, it was difficult to find time to blog or be particularly sexy. As is often the case the memes (Wicked Wednesday, Sinful Sunday, Kink of the week and SoSS kept me going). This year I have learned that writing about something is better than not writing at all. This month too, I joined the Smut Marathon (more of that later).
This post pretty much highlights that sex and kink was a bit lacking in our lives at the beginning of the year. Not entirely surprising given the whirlwind of January. At that time we were also planning for me to move in with him and had begun to get the house ready. Once again meme’s kept the blog going including TMI Tuesday, Food for Thought Friday and Art Twist. Indie and I have discussed bringing the latter back to life and maybe we will do that in 2019. I only recently realised that Kilted Wookie runs F4TF and it took a while to realise also that we had all week to write a post based on the prompt. Sometimes I am pretty slow on the uptake!
At the end of the month, while away for a weekend I managed to delete my blog! I still shudder when I think about how it happened and the work required to put it back together. Thankfully Dom Signs was there to help, I am so grateful to him. The full horror story is here.
This photo was taken hours before my blog went down and so didn’t appear until 3 March. It brings back the better memories of that weekend. In this post I write some more about the blog, but also for the first time about participating in the smut marathon as well as sex and coffee (all important things).
Our sex and kink life was at last on the up. In this Masturbation Monday post I describe some impulsive kinky sex and later in the month our first public play event. I haven’t contributed to Masturbation Monday as much as I would have liked to this year. Mainly because my sex blogging libido has been a little off kilter. But I did have the pleasure of meeting Kayla Lords and her husband John Brownstone at Eroticon. I followed John’s blog first and clearly remember the run up to Kayla moving to be with him which was so exciting. Together they have become quite a force to be reckoned with in the blogging (and podcasting) community.
Eroticon was a wonderful weekend of fun and laughter, plus some amazing sessions at the conference. Apart from Kayla and John we met so many other bloggers and writers that were previously words and pictures on a screen. Marie and Master T, May More, Posy, Eye, Cousin Pons to name but a few. I wrote about it here.
Once again I joined in with the Blogging A-Z challenge. Although there are 31 posts for April, which is getting on for a record I still had to combine some of the A-Z daily posts. Keeping with a mainly kink theme, the posts can be found here.
For the Wicked Wednesday post on Driving Lessons, I wrote about my rather unpleasant driving instructor. I guess this is my Me too incident; thankfully mild, though as you could tell it has stayed with me.
In April we travelled to Seville for the Feria celebrations and had a wonderful week of rest and recuperation. Seville is one of those places that we have pretty much seen and done but return to. The relaxed lifestyle, long lunches, dinners in several parts suits us.
By May, preparations for my move were in full swing. Our weekends were filled with decluttering, house maintenance and beginning to pack. However we did manage to find time for some fun and games. It had been a while since Master bought his girl a tail, but I hadn’t really had the chance to wear it. Until now.
The Smut Marathon moved onto round 5 and to my surprise I was still in the competition. As I mention in my post about round 4, my editing skills were coming under pressure. I tended to write pieces that were much longer than needed, sometimes 4 times as long. Since being out of the competition I have started to try to write stories that are already short and so need less editing. The Smut Marathon was a wonderful competition and I am grateful to Rebel for all her hard work in making it the success it was and will be again.
Hy from A Dissolute Life Means challenged herself and others to Post Every Damn Day in June. I got off to a good start even though at the time I was on holiday in Slovenia. Much of the country is under developed, with beautiful lakes, hills and mountains to explore. A great opportunity for some natural photo opportunities. While away I participated for the first time in Hyacinth’s regular meme: Boobday. I look at my contribution with some sadness as this is the boob I no longer have. The cancer was already growing inside me, though I didn’t know it. I do hope to participate again soon, but more of that in the post I am going to write about the coming year.
There was one final trip away (for a weekend) before the end of June, providing a great Sinful Sunday opportunity. After that, life was crazy as we prepared for my move.
The weather was wonderfully hot. A proper English heatwave. Probably not what you need when you are spending much of your life packing boxes. On one of the last weekends spent before the move, we frolicked in the garden. Not only did I run around naked but we also had anal sex out there. My anxiety about the neighbours seeing anything dissipated under the influence of a bottle or two of wine.
The rest of July is a mad blur. I didn’t post anything of substance until 26th. After the antics in the garden I developed a urinary infection (perhaps the two are linked) and needed antibiotics. Then as soon as I was recovered I moved house. I wrote about it all here. To be honest, I was pretty glad to see the back of July.
August was about finishing up at work. Luckily, with many people away on holiday the roads and railways were quiet, though London was as usual busy. There were few meetings so I was able to declutter my work environment in a reasonably calm way. I had a wonderful send off from colleagues and left on 31st. I also started to reorganise my blog a little, ending one journey page and starting another.
As we gradually settled into our life together we began to rekindle our kinky sides and also had some fun.
All through August I was waiting for the inevitable. I revealed at my mammogram early in the month that I had found a lump in my breast and knew I would be recalled. The first date I was given was for 31st August, but as this was my final day at work I asked for a later appointment. So on 11th September Master and I spent the entire afternoon at a one stop breast clinic. We came away already knowing that cancer was suspected, but had to wait a week for confirmation. The following day I travelled to Cyprus with my mum with a massive plaster on my boob. Over the coming days a huge bruise formed.
Cyprus was beautiful though. Hot sunny days and warm evenings. Even my mum and my attempts to hide my bruising didn’t spoil it. But I really did miss Master and wrote about my longing for him here.
On my return I received the news that we had been both expecting and dreading. I had breast cancer.
I think we saw the inside of more hospital wards and departments than I experienced in the first 3 months of my nursing career. Master was beside me the whole way and has been my rock and guiding light ever since the first appointment. Our hopes of a lumpectomy were dashed as the tumour was too large. So on 15th I had a mastectomy.
Many blog and twitter friends and followers have congratulated me on my positivity in coping with the surgery and aftermath. While I wanted to catalogue my journey and will continue to do so, I didn’t seek to make it seem easy. The operation was straightforward, but the recovery painful and frustration. I wasn’t the best patient, I don’t think nurses usually are. But I was determined not to succumb to self pity and so I guess that is why it came across that way. I started a series of regular posts about my recovery which will continue for as long as necessary.
I felt ready on 11th November to give Sinful Sunday followers a glimpse of my new body. I always knew that I was part of a body positive group of people but have been overwhelmed by the support. None more so than from Molly and that is why I chose Sinful Sunday for this post. Being able to go to the munch that Molly and Signs run and speak openly to others including Sub Bee has really helped. I am looking forward to getting together with Molly in the new year so she can photograph me lots more.
Thank you to everyone who has commented on here, sent me emails and messages on twitter. I know too that Master has found the support from this community to be a really positive thing.
A month of end of year lists and reviews, and I find myself on so many. After everything that has happened this year, I am overwhelmed. Looking back over my blog, I can see that it has been a good year for my writing.
Thank you to those who nominated me for the Kinkly and Chaturbate top sex blog lists. Thank you to May More for the wonderful messages of support and for including me on her Top of the Blogs list. To Floss, who named me as one of her top 20 Lovelies. To Kilted Wookie for putting me on the Naughty List, to Master Venture for including me on his list of people worth following and to Marie Rebelle for including me on her Top 20 of ’18. I am incredibly honoured to have been recognised by so many of the wonderful people I admire in this community.
Thank you to everyone who has read my blog this year and to those who have commented and supported me. Here’s to 2019 – more of that to come.