Questions

I have tori to thank for my first questions, so here goes:

Do you fear how far you might go in your submission i.e. things perhaps you were sure you would never do, or do you just feel excitement

As far as I can see things right now, I am pretty much open to most ideas. I thought I didn’t like too much pain, but it turns out that actually I do. So far, Graeme tells me He has held back on the pain front and I probably can’t argue with that as I definitely haven’t reached any kind of limit with Him on that. 
But actually I don’t think pain and humiliation are my greatest challenge. For me it is about how i change my behaviours when i am with Him. Over the past couple of days we have discussed this quite a bit. For the most part when we are out together i am happy to just let him take the lead, but every now and then the me that wants to take over just, well, takes over. 
i am clear that my submission now is about expanding the boundaries around giving up control in new ways. Perhaps not jumping in to organise things in a restaurant? Perhaps stepping back when i normally would wade in? 
For me this is something new and equally something that i have spoken of. I have taken so much control during my marriage, letting go in real life situations is quite tricky. That is my challenge. 
What 3 things are high on your kink list?

This is harder, since i have done quite a lot!!
First i would like to try the girl thing again. Last time, well although it was fun i didn’t really think it was for me. But if that was what was wanted of me, to please my Dom then yes, i would be happy to go again.
Second really is piercings – not essentially kink but the reason for them and the things that could be done because of them are kinky. Graeme and i have been discussing nipple and clit hood piercings for me. i am pretty sure they will happen this year. and then the kinky sky might well be my oyster
So i am now seeing Gadget Man, and in the past month i have been exposed to experiences that i could never have imagined. I think my fantasy would be a new toy He hasn’t tried before and for which i am His first guinea pig.

These are my first March Questions – does anyone have any more?

orgasm control

i have willingly given up control of my orgasms.

Able to choose for myself, given free rein and feeling a little horny. If i was in the right place at the right time, i would usually go for it. Hell it is an extremely pleasant experience and what girl would turn it down? Especially if there were someone there to both offer and give.

Over the past weeks, since i gave up that control I have been offered orgasms which i have not taken up.

i am quite able to say no because under a more controlled existence orgasm is actually more pleasant. In the past, with no one to know or care i have used a vibe to give myself orgasm after orgasm without truly being fulfilled. Indeed self control is better – when seeing S, i often went a week or 2 after we had been together. The end result being far preferable and that without much if anything of control from him.

Today my orgasms are not only controlled but belong to another. Indeed, i am happy to rephrase and say: girls orgasms are controlled and owned by Graeme.

But mostly i don’t want or need them when he is not there.

The orgasm control we have been exploring when we are together is more that since he owns them he can dictate when i have them. I have to say that is beyond weird.  Though wonderful.

To begin with every time i felt in needed to cum he asked if that was what i needed and generally he would tell me to cum. Even if sometimes it meant holding back a little. This weekend as soon as i have either asked or he has sensed the need in me he has told me to come. Providing me with some assistance with his hands, on the clit, nipples and by stroking me more generally. Suddenly though, i found myself cumming, after he told me to cum, but with no additional stimulation. He was very satisfied with his work and i was both fulfilled and a little spooked. There is no doubt my orgasms with Graeme are heavily psychologically overlaid, indeed his ability to turn me on is. The way in which he can say certain things to me – call me girl or say something suggestive – releases the feeling in me that i am not far off. Then i am just a short journey to giving him what he wants.

He bought me a lovely present, which he gave me at the weekend and i have worn for the past two nights. He said (i think and hope) that i can give him an orgasm if i need to when wearing it. This morning i did. It is a while since i wore a but plug for any length of time and then it was more a training tool. Plus a stainless steel plug is a special thing, a thing of beauty. Wearing it makes me horny, as we both knew it would. Last night particularly i spent in a state of semi arousal all night. This morning as i lay thinking of him telling me to cum i almost, had the feeling i could have. Indeed it took just a short burst with the rabbit inside me to have the desired effect.

i am left thinking about self masturbation in a different way. Giving an orgasm to another, even when they are not there is really special and something i am starting to love.

So, a month on

I have so much to write about, the posts and the experiences that have gone with it are mixed up in my head.  Over the coming days I will separate them out and have a steady stream of things to write about. Today though I am going to reflect a little on the past month.

4 weeks ago yesterday I met Graeme in a local pub and while there was a spark between us, I could never have quite imagined that the connection between up would be quite as it so obviously is. The relationship we have begun to form seems to be pushing me towards making some significant changes to my life. He isn’t making me do anything, but somehow his influence, his support is helping me do what I need to.

Throughout my relationship with S, I knew I wanted to submit. It was a journey I embarked on with relish as I took on board the new experiences. Ok, so things changed midway but still I submitted to him in the bedroom in the way he wanted and in the way I learnt to do. BUT each relationship is different and this one, while there are elements that are similar, in many many ways is very very different. I feel like a different submissive with Graeme.

The biggest thing for me right now is exploring the two parts of myself.  That is Julie – she is a professional woman, holding down a demanding job, a job which involves negotiating with and influencing others, giving advice and making decisions without reference to others. She is also someone with a husband who is having difficulty in recognising when a relationship is over, she has a propensity to slip between being over powering in the way she deals with their still joined up life to down right submissive when it comes to dealing with him as a person. She has a son who needs advice and guidance and she has parents who are not in the best of health and who need a growing level of support. She has siblings who don’t always pull their weight. She has some great friends but sometimes takes the weight of their lives on her shoulders for no good reason. Julie likes to solve problems, she has a tendency to get stressed and overwhelmed by life.

Then there is joolz – she has been created by Julie to help her explore submission. Or has she? That was my feeling at the beginning of this, when I created my blog, my fetlife and other names.  joolz is a sexual submissive that is definitely clear. joolz likes to please but not in the way she pleases as Julie. She wants to give up power and control to another, she longs for a master to submit to and knows that as part of that she will discover the sexual fulfilment that she has been denied for so much of her adult life.

what I have learnt over the past month is that what I knew of joolz is only the tip of the iceberg.  The voyage  of discovery is so far from complete and that at times I feel I know nothing about who I (in whatever guise) am.

joolz is finding that when she is being herself she has no trouble thinking and speaking in the third person. She has no trouble giving herself completely and in being controlled, indeed she has no desire to control anyone or anything else. She knows what her role is and she gets more pleasure than she could have imagined from giving pleasure to the man who is becoming her Master.

The big question for joolz / Julie is just how much does she want / need to be which person, and indeed, could she be joolz full time, but let Julie sweep in and out when the situation arose without anyone on the outside actually noticing.

Deep down Julie would like this to be the case, since then she will be completely fulfilled.

The main thing is that I am so so much happier than I was a month ago and that Graeme has had a large part to play in this. I can’t say more thank that!

Apparently March is a month for asking questions here in blog land. I know that sometimes I don’t give my readers the level of detail they may seek so why not let me know what is on your mind and ask that question. Since Graeme has pretty much read every post on this blog now, I am sure he will be happy to help me answer!

Parallel thinking

Something funny is going on in my brain, in my subconscious. I keep finding myself thinking and even dreaming things where I convince myself that the changes that need to happen in my life have already happened. This morning I woke from the most amazing sleep thinking that I had told hubby about Graeme and he was fine about it. Then I remembered I hadn’t and he wouldn’t be if I did.

He has however thought about some of the other things I have told him about including the family night out and admitted that 1) it isn’t my fault and 2) if he doesn’t show his face around them for 6 months (or more) he can’t be expected to be invited to join them. Perhaps also he is beginning to acknowledge that my decisions about our relationship aren’t because he has done something specifically but because my feelings for him changed sometime in the last 30 years.

Graeme and I talked about the fact I have the 30 year anniversary thing looming in June and my need to take decisive action pretty soon.

We also talked about my not hiding Graeme away from my son for example, but instead starting to be more open and honest with people.

These are big steps for me. I have told people only parts of the truth for so long that it has become second nature. But if I really want my life to change then it is time to be completely open with people. I have the propensity to try to protect them and of course me from the consequences but actually I am dealing with adults here and they need to be able to deal with reality, as must I.

Sometimes I am scared by how fast my brain is moving things along, but then on days like today when I am feeling good, I realise this is how it needs to be.

Over the next few days I am going to be doing some great things, including the family do tomorrow night and some fun things out and about with Graeme. This morning it is not just that I am imagining good things but they are a reality!

This will be random

I have a category on my tag cloud for random thoughts and this will fall into that arena. It is not long after 5.30am and how else can you approach writing something at this time?

There seems to have been a sea change in my attitude to hubby. I am at long long last holding my line and not taking all of the self pity that usually lands up with me feeling guilty. He is sad and miserable, he is lonely. But he is 55 years old, he has to take control of his life.

He was out last night and has just left after the usual procedure – drive from where he was, change for work, pick up sandwiches, spend half an hour lying in / on the marital bed and then leave. Yesterday I managed to ignore him sufficiently that I woke up when my alarm went off. This morning, no. As is usual during the week at the moment I am now going to struggle to activate my brain by 9am.

This week I have a family night out. My family. We are doing something special that my dad whose cancer is now palliative (you might say terminal) wants to do. It is a bucket list thing. Hubby is not invited. In my own opinion, I am handling this better than usual. I am not changing the booking and I am not going to endure what would be an uncomfortable evening for the sake of him. It is my dad’s night out and in his view hubby has not been a very good husband / son in law lately. He knows that I have been a bad girl (not how bad obviously) but still I am his daughter. Hubby and I have discussed the issue this morning and he knows the position that has been taken.

The truth is blatant to me though. It doesn’t matter to me any more what hubby wants. If I don’t want it, or someone special doesn’t want it, then that is the end of the matter.

My life is rapidly moving on after a long time of allowing it to tread water. I told myself weeks ago that I would move things along once my job was permanent. Funny how that coincided with meeting Graeme.

Speaking of Graeme, he comes here to read what I say regularly. We have discussed quite a lot of my previous posts and general ramblings. We will no doubt discuss this later. The question in my mind right now and something to discuss is whether I tell hubby sooner rather than later that I am seeing someone. I thought before no, after all it is kind of early days. But is it? We have seen a lot of each other all ready, spent many hours together in person and talking on yahoo. I don’t think he and I are going our separate ways any day soon.

So this morning, slightly less cheery. But the soft glow of the weekend still surrounds me. The promise of more to come keeps me going. Finally I feel in control of the part of my life that needs me to control it and I am learning to give up the part that I want to give to another.

This is early, this is random but maybe my brain is geared up more than I thought.

Time for coffee….

Subspace

The past 24 hours have been quite intensive. This is not so  much about the way in which we played yesterday, though the different stimuli that I was exposed to certainly added to the overall effect. I am learning a bit about pain in different areas of my body and how that affects my levels of arousal and I am giving  myself up to Him more quickly and totally dying play. During that session there was cock worship, there was spanking with various implements, and there was ‘the zipper’ (lots of pegs on my pussy this time which are at an opportune moment quickly pulled off all at once). There was also the violet wand which I both love and hate as the electrical stimulations are painful but in a very erotic way. There were nipple clamps, there was the bit in my mouth and as always there was the hitachi. There was sex too, particularly the anal sex which always has an effect on my emotional state. But also there was lots of touching – Him touching my body and me his.

When we sat down to dinner, which Graeme had cooked for us at home, it was clear that i was still in that special place that subs go. I was floaty and felt really really good. I was vague and not really able to speak much and when i knocked some of the contents of my glass of champagne across the room it was pretty clear my coordination was shot too. There was no doubt that the whole of last evening I was pretty much in subspace and whats more I was essentially still there at midday today!

My previous experiences with subspace have been much more short lasting, perhaps an hour after play that gives you a lovely feeling. I have definitely felt the drop much more than the actual subspace and I have never quite felt like I did last night and this morning.

The whole evening, after dinner when we were snuggled on the sofa, me wearing his shirt as I had since I arrived He spent stroking me, kissing me and playing with my tits. We had some quite intense conversation and we also had some much more light hearted time as we listened to music. In all it just felt like a close, fun but intimate time.

In bed, while we both slept relatively well, I was always aware of him, his hands often on my breasts. Then this morning there was lots of touching and for me a number of intense orgasms.

I suppose that it was the play at the beginning, and the intensity of emotion from that and the anal sex. It was the constant stimulation and the time we spent just being close that sent me into that place.  It was also a place it was good to go to at this time, with the stresses of last week at home often ever present.

Life is about new experiences and this is definitely one for me. Made all the better by the care and attention received. Now I have eaten a good meal, spent some time recovering and finally have come home to sit on my own sofa I am beginning to feel a little more like my usual self.

My usual self that is with a little fuzziness around the edges and that feeling I will enjoy while it lasts.

Sore feet

We must have walked miles. Well who knows if we really did, but around the streets of the City of London it seemed quite a long way. My boots which, suited my skirt and were comfortable in the morning were much less so by the time we sat down to eat. He took me around some of the wonderful and very beautiful buildings that I had never visited before, we walked and we talked. He took me to two very historical pubs and we stood (standing room only on a Friday evening), talked and he groped me.

The slut in me loves to be groped in a public place. It really excites me, perhaps it shouldn’t? But having someone to stand (or sit) with and to share intimate moments is just so nice.
I think I have too much to say, sometimes I think I speak for the sake of it. He is getting good at shutting me up and kissing me when that happens. At other times though I am content to just look at him and smile. 
He wanted time for us away from bed, from play. We had that last night. Doing things together feels easy and fun. It feels intimate and helps with the connection for later.
On the way home I communicated with S. He wanted to talk to me and I thought there was something wrong. At home, even though it was late, I skyped with S, who just wanted to know how it was going and to check out that things were as good as I had written here. They are and I told him so. Of course he could see it written in my face.
Immediately I came off of the Skype call, I felt I had somehow let Graeme down. I felt I had spoiled our intimacy by linking up with S like that. He told me he wasn’t upset, but I was. Upset with myself because actually that was what I was feeling.
For a woman of my age, it feels I have so much to learn about relationships and how to manage them. My tendency to want to please everyone leads me to find the one person who is not as happy as they could be, to be me. 
I haven’t slept as well as I thought I would, and have been awake early. Partly this is my sore feet which I will soon soak with the rest of me in the bath. But also the feeling that I spoiled the intimacy with Graeme last night and caused my mind to be far more active than it needed to be. 
The good thing is though that I will be with Graeme again later and have the chance to make it up to him, even if he feels I have done nothing wrong. The chance also to make it up to myself.

Postscript:

Ok, so no one was upset with anyone and so this is all about me over analysing. Just got to work out how NOT to do that!!

Connection and worship

Last night I asked New Dom what I should call him here. We discussed Gadget Man, but I know he wasn’t keen on that in the first instance and any way he is way more than his various toys. So we have settled on my calling him Graeme, which as it happens is his name.

We discussed our connection. New as it is, it is also quite intense. He was a little worried, having read comments here that he was taking me further than I have been before very quickly. I have reassured him that I am ready for that and am happy with how things are. What we are doing together feels right for both of us and I have no desire right now to do things any differently. We talked about our next play time and also some time to just be together which will hopefully be tomorrow after work.

Graeme is quite interested in the CWS blogging area and in cock worship generally. He has read my blog on the subject, and no doubt had a look on Spanky’s blog of the same name. I am really sad that Spanky is closing things down, though I understand his reasons and agree that our posts belong on our own blogs anyway.

Having a new cock to worship is something I am enjoying as part of this new relationship. I haven’t exactly worshipped very many (well one other) and generally he taught me to worship his in the way he wanted. The great thing now is that I get to adapt that style to a new man and he can get me doing what he wants. Feels like a win win on all sides.

Most of all though I am getting to explore new aspects of my submission, I am getting to connect with Graeme regularly and to see him often. We both have needs which require satisfying and it seems that I have found the right person to do so with. What are the chances of managing this twice in a row?

Sometimes you just have to take what life offers and if that offers the opportunity for part of you to be owned by another and for you to be able to worship part of them – well  – Let it be (as some 60’s pop group once said)!

Photo from Black and White Erotic Images

Last word on this for now

I am not going to turn this blog into some kind of place where I moan about my husband (again). But this morning I am going to say a couple of things about last night.

There are some things about him that really irritate me now:

His inability to get that this is not about him or really anything he has ever done but about me and a decision I have made. I don’t want to listen to his self pity.

It has been a year and I have said the same things for pretty much all of that year, yet it was like I had never said them before.

I do like him, I do care about him, despite what he says. I just don’t love him as I did / feel I should if I am to remain his wife. What is more, I don’t want to be that person any longer. I want to be me.

He wants to live as friends, but friends are there for each other, the relationship can’t be one sided; there has to be give and take. I can’t be friends with someone who only takes.

I can’t live with a man any longer who is essentially submissive unless he is manipulating me, at which point there is a battle to see who submits first. When it becomes about who has more power than who. We all have our weaknesses, we all need help, care and consideration. But in the end everyone has to help themselves.

I am not his mother or his sister. I already have a son and siblings. I can’t be that person to him any longer.

………………………………………
So, if I thought he would pack his stuff, wave a cheery goodbye and leave, I was mistaken. Of course I didn’t even dream that would happen and of course it didn’t.
What I got was pacing, crying and self pity. What I also got was excuses about his own behaviour and  choices. He is a 55 year old man but his actions were more that of a teenager who can’t get his own way.
I stayed calm and reasoned – scarily so. Calm but compassionate (I think).
But not once did I back down and so I know in my heart (even if my instinct is try to make everything alright again) that this is the right thing. For me now and in the long run for us both.
I am a step forward, but god knows this feels like a very very long path.
Tomorrow I am going to concentrate once again on something pleasant, sexy, kinky and all together more pleasant. New Dom is giving me great support in this and I want to concentrate on some of the other things he has been giving me!

Irritated

What I want to be thinking about and writing about here is the hot time I had at the weekend. I have much more to say about that yet as I analyse my thoughts and feelings along with actually writing something a little factual (or my version of it).

But what I have to think about is that (now reasonably small) part of my life that focuses on my marriage.

He was out again last night. This was a good thing as New Dom (got to think of a name to call him) and I got to chat. He isn’t telling me what to do or say, but he was good at getting me to articulate some of the behaviours which may help or antagonise the situation.

Hubby arrived home again this morning, early. 4.40 to be precise (there is a clock by the bed). I was sleeping so so well after the lovely orgasm I was given (he insisted but I asked anyway). I think hubby must have known I was awake, but I didn’t speak, fearful that I would say something now, cause a scene. What I was feeling though was – I don’t want this. What I was thinking was – please don’t lay down next to me. He did lie down, but respected my silence and was gone by 5.30.

So tonight is the night. There is a window of opportunity when my son is out playing football. I will be calm, I will be measured and I will plan what I will say. God knows I have thought about it enough. I won’t shout (please let me maintain that one), I won’t get angry.

I am clear about what I want. It isn’t about any relationship I may or not be having. It is about having the freedom to seek the life I want in the way I want it. It is about opportunities to do new things in different ways that I know he doesn’t seek, want or whatever. New things that I am no longer sorry to say I don’t want to seek with him.

The journey to here started many years ago. A young husband unfaithful to his pregnant wife. A young woman left alone for weeks on end with a young child. Denial of the realities, fear of being alone. A fight for possession of a man who I probably didn’t want then, 20 years ago. The events of the past 2 years are part of this journey, but they are not the whole thing.

On the radio while I was typing this – Oasis, Whatever – with the lyrics – Free to do whatever I , to be whatever  you to be wherever you (I paraphrase) – I think that is today’s theme – Free to be whatever I choose, Free to be wherever I want, whatever I want.

If I get any doubts this evening this is the date that most recently springs to mind when I knew change must take place. Joolz – remember how you felt on this day!