Finding myself

You will note from some of the previous posts in this series, I am someone who set about finding myself in my 50’s. I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that I really didn’t know who I was by my 49th birthday. Ok I was someone’s wife, someone’s daughter and someone’s mother. But what about me? All I can say is, thank goodness for the internet, a laptop to call my own and my kindle.

I am immensely proud of this blog and the way I have been able to write about my thoughts and feelings over the past 9 years. I had never managed to keep a diary for any length of time. Partly because my life seemed so dull, always. But also because there was no feedback. Here I can be anonymous and am to many who read my words. Others I’ve met at various times and some I know relatively well. Then off course there is Master.

He has been able to use my words, written before and since we met to know me better. I try hard to be truthful about my thoughts and feelings. So much so I now go back and find quite startling statements that I don’t remember even writing.

My life over this time has often been difficult. I was unfaithful to my husband, something I regret in many ways. But also I was able to find the strength to end my marriage, something I really should have done before I went off to meet with S. But I am not about regrets because I am now at a point where I am pretty much forward facing. What great things can I do with the rest of my life? What experiences are out there for me to try? I have the choice to work or not right now, that’s something I never imagined would happen.

At the beginning I didn’t really know who I was and didn’t know how to find the real me. There are days when I’m still confused. But I can say without a doubt that finding myself has been an experience and one that I will carry on doing.

2 thoughts on “Finding myself”

  1. I’ve journaled off and on my whole life, but I think the connection is what makes confessional blogging so useful and attractive. I learn from others this way, too…which leads to me to even greater understandings (and sometimes deeper questions).

    And I’m not sure any of us ever really have ourselves figured out. It’s a journey.

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