Finding myself

You will note from some of the previous posts in this series, I am someone who set about finding myself in my 50’s. I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that I really didn’t know who I was by my 49th birthday. Ok I was someone’s wife, someone’s daughter and someone’s mother. But what about me? All I can say is, thank goodness for the internet, a laptop to call my own and my kindle.

I am immensely proud of this blog and the way I have been able to write about my thoughts and feelings over the past 9 years. I had never managed to keep a diary for any length of time. Partly because my life seemed so dull, always. But also because there was no feedback. Here I can be anonymous and am to many who read my words. Others I’ve met at various times and some I know relatively well. Then off course there is Master.

He has been able to use my words, written before and since we met to know me better. I try hard to be truthful about my thoughts and feelings. So much so I now go back and find quite startling statements that I don’t remember even writing.

My life over this time has often been difficult. I was unfaithful to my husband, something I regret in many ways. But also I was able to find the strength to end my marriage, something I really should have done before I went off to meet with S. But I am not about regrets because I am now at a point where I am pretty much forward facing. What great things can I do with the rest of my life? What experiences are out there for me to try? I have the choice to work or not right now, that’s something I never imagined would happen.

At the beginning I didn’t really know who I was and didn’t know how to find the real me. There are days when I’m still confused. But I can say without a doubt that finding myself has been an experience and one that I will carry on doing.