In lots of ways I have so much to be happy about, thankful about. I have a lovely Master who takes good care of me, someone who is there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or need a good talking to. At the same time, I have a husband who, while not exactly coping well with what is happening with Sir continues to care about me. I have family and I have friends. I have a payout from work which means that I have been able to invest for my pension and have enough left to take a short career break, go on holiday and get a new kitchen.
All of the above must mean that I am grateful for everything I have and am going around with a great big grin on my face? Not a bit of it.
For a reason that I can’t quite identify I feel tired and weary, everything is a bit of an effort. All of this might be linked to something which I think is happening in my body. Can I mention the m word? Apart from the 8 months of my pregnancy and a few months afterwards my cycle has been sickeningly (and reassuringly) regular. I am like a text book (28 days give or take a day). Since March though, nothing. Intermittently I feel like I am premenstrual but then nothing happens.
PMS has been a feature of my life for such a long time. Essentially a week when I become irritable (well more irritable than I previously was), crave food (the worse for you the better), bloated – you know the kind of thing. On the day before my period, I usually get a feeling of impending doom and can fly off the handle at the simplest thing. Within a day or two, the feeling leaves me and it is just a case of getting through the bleeding part until next time.
For the last couple of months though I have experienced some of the PMS symptoms and feelings, but nothing has happened.
Last night, having not heard from Sir for several days, with no prospect of getting together with him insight I emailed him to say I was feeling neglected. At the same time I had hubby here, doing his best to wind me up by asking for information so he could assess the extent to my relationship with sir. I kept my calm but inside wanted to run away, to be with Sir if I had a choice.
I love to submit to Sir, to do as he tells me, to be there to use as He wishes.
I also like to be in control, of my body and of my feelings. An episode of PMS that seems to go on and on without a bleed is not something I am liking.
But I am not someone to wallow so despite the fact that I feel that I could lie in bed and read, surf the net reading blogs etc and generally slob about, I am trying to be proactive. Yesterday, inspired by Miss Constance’s recent gardening blog posts, I got outside on a beautiful spring day and did loads of weeding and cut the grass. Today I am off out with friends for a facial and then tea and cake. I might not feel like it but I am going to be proactive and I am going to be positive. Yes really, I am…..