“I can see myself before myself—
A being through dark scenery.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, Circling: 1978-1987
For a who’s who click here.
It’s difficult to look back and see the me I was before April 2012. Indeed it’s hard enough to see who I was then. S awakened in me something I was searching for. A need to be used and to be controlled. I didn’t really understand what that meant then or indeed much of what was involved. But I recognised it as different to what had been happening before. In my first post I described my husband as both vanilla and someone who had little interest in sex. I’m not sure that’s quite true, but he has certainly stopped trying and I’d stopped encouraging him to.
Before I embarked on this journey I was restless, looking for something, but not entirely sure what. My sex life had never been much to write about and suddenly it was and I did . I’d rarely been provided with orgasms, instead I’d had to seek out my own. Most sex had been pretty straight and suddenly it wasn’t. All thoughts and feelings were overwhelmed. I was perpetually in s state of excitement.
My son, then 21 was at university, completing a year abroad in America. My then husband and I had been over to California to see him for his birthday in February. We had a lovely time, but my husband was really unadventurous in every aspect of life that trip. We had time on our hands but he just didn’t want to do anything. 3 months later I was seeing and had had sex with another man. But not just sex, S provided me with my first experience of anal. He also had me kneeling before him servicing him. I could barely recognise myself, even at the time.
When I look back now, there is an inevitability about how things might pan out. But at the time that wasn’t the case. I naively thought I’d be able to have my cake and eat it too. For a few months nothing burst my bubble and I had the most amazing time.
To supplement the times we were actually able to see each other I read around my topic as I wrote in May 2012.
For the first time, probably ever, I was putting myself first and it felt good.