“I want eroticism mixed with love, and deep love one does not experience often.”
― Anaïs Nin
Reading back over those early posts it is clear I was looking for something that had been missing from my life for so long, if not for ever. Sex, yes, but a new deeper, different kind of sex, one that would fulfil me.
For a while, just the structure of the days and nights with S were enough. To be told what to wear and what’s more to be his slut had me in a state of near constant lust. The ritual of arrival time, kneeling for him and sucking him off. Being taken in all 3 holes in succession. I was a slut, his slut and I loved it. Then there were the orgasms. He sought to extend some level of control over them, but was generous in dishing them out. All of this was so new to me.
But those feelings of lust and need can easily be misinterpreted and at times I definitely confused them with love. I sensed he didn’t love me, but how did I feel about him? Trouble was that by the summer of 2013 I had a husband who knew I’d strayed and was still meeting my lover. This just made matters more complicated. Looking back, the relationship with S was doomed. His heart wasn’t in it and I badly needed to sort my own life out.
Tomorrow I’m going to write about my husband (now ex) and how he has featured in my blog. Then on Friday about S and his desire for a soulmate that wasn’t me. I don’t intend to write about either of them on this blog again after that.
But actually I want to write a bit more about eroticism and the quote. Because I turned out that’s what I was looking for. Eroticism and love.
What I had with S was definitely on the right track, he just was the wrong person. Master has always said that he is grateful that S provided me with some valuable training, especially when it came to anal sex. What’s more, I learned such a lot about my body that I hadn’t realised before. But I also learned about my emotional needs and myself as a submissive.
I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.
I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.
I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.
In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.
I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it?