Isn’t it odd that on one day we can feel so down and almost despondent and the next, pretty much on top of the world. Well maybe not on top, since today is a working day – Friday – but there is lots to look forward to. Plus the self doubts of yesterday have receded. Mainly due to communication with those who are important.
In the past, when I have felt down, I have tended to bottle my feelings, to keep them within. Then usually I have been able to keep them under the surface. Right now though, everything is surfacing at once. So conversations about Graeme’s other relationship some how trigger anxieties in me about totally unrelated but quite similar things. I am gripped with self doubt and a now deep feeling that I will give up control and then be abandoned.
These thoughts are unnecessary even in the context of a potentially unconventional relationship in the longer term.
Now though I have some strategies. I have recognised the need for some external help to deal with my feelings around the ending of my marriage and how to deal with the fall out. This is an area where I so wish I could give control to another, but know that it can’t be so.
Tonight I have a night out with a friend who has been a great source of support throughout the past year or so as I move through this part of my journey. She is a person who is clear about some of the things I should be doing to get to the place I want and need to be. She has no idea of my kinky side, but believes I need and deserve so much more than I have had.
Then tomorrow afternoon, evening and night, time with Graeme. Time to re discover my submission and to worship Him in the way i know he wishes me to and i have that deem need for. Time to shake off the doubts and just enjoy Him.