It’s over

The relationship I have been having for the past 15 months with the man who I called Sir on this website and often outside of it is over.

There have been no arguments, no crossed words even. I believe we will always hold a special place in our hearts for each other, but it has ended.

We found each other at a time we needed what we found with each other. He is more ready than me to move into a new phase in his life and I respect him for his honesty. He is a lovely man, and I won’t hear a word said against him.

I can’t talk about it here yet. I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings to a few people in the real world first.

All I can say is that I am sad, very sad.

Permission – of sorts

It is now 7 days since i took the bull by the horns and came clean. i know it was the right thing to do, and at the time i definitely felt the burden lift from me. As i sit here now (i have a late start this morning and am still in bed), i am feeling quite light hearted. This is helped by the fact that i had an almost complete nights sleep last night. i must say i had forgotten how important sleep is until you don’t get much of it! Telling people really helps though, even though you can’t know the response from anyone until you have spoken the words. I feel really blessed that a few people know about Sir and i now. This includes a close colleague from work who i told on Monday even before i told hubby, my lunch friend and a new female friend from Fetlife who i haven’t met yet but i know i will sometime soon.

There have been many times over the last week when i have thought about the fact that  i could make my life so much easier if i gave up Sir. But i am continually drawn to the knowledge that i really won’t be happy that way. i know deep inside me that without my kink i will quickly become the most miserable person on earth. It took me a long time to be brave enough to start on this journey and i am pretty sure i am not ready to give it up yet (if ever). i have written many times about the whole voyage of discovery i have been on this year and how much it has shown me about myself.

i have been clear with hubby that i want to continue to see Sir. He is kind of accepting this (though of course he doesn’t like it or want it to happen), and sort of gives his permission. He knows no details and i am keeping it like that. i have arranged to go to Sir’s on Sunday and to stay overnight. I am really really happy about this and can’t wait.

On the other hand, i know the next few days will be difficult. This isn’t what he wants and he isn’t about to make my life easy over the next few days. i am however going to focus on two things. Firstly on helping hubby come to terms with what has happened and in trying really hard to be the kind of wife he thinks he wants. Secondly i am thinking about how things will be with Sir (it will have been a month since our last meeting). i am thinking again about my submission and worshiping Him. He is my Master and right now that is what is keeping me going.

Staying at the Crossroads Motel

I was lying in bed over the weekend thinking about this post, and although I didn’t really work out what to say, I did come up with the title. Crossroads was a soap series in the 70’s which was so cheaply made and acted by such second rate actors it was almost good. It was about the staff at a Motel called ……… well I am sure you can guess.

I chatted to Sir on Friday night and we agreed that as mentioned in my last post, I am at a crossroads. I am now faced with some of the biggest decisions I have ever even had to consider in my life. I am taking things one day at a time.

This is how I arrived here:

On Monday, I went out for lunch with a male friend. He is someone I met on Fetlife, and who I have developed a friendship with. He lives quite close, and he has kindly treated me to lunch 2 or 3 times. I hadn’t told hubby about him, hell I hadn’t even told Sir. It is a friendship and we chat about all kinds of stuff, kink included. After lunch, when I was back in work, I emailed him to say thanks. He replied to say that I was welcome. The email was innocent enough. I worked late on a report that took up much of  my working week this week. I didn’t know I had left my ipod logged into Gmail, and I didn’t know hubby would read the email. But I had and he did.

Hubby accused me immediately of having an affair with my friend. I reassured him that it was lunch, but I found it impossible to actually say that I wasn’t having an affair at all. Of course that is what I have been doing. So after a night without much sleep, I discussed with Sir what I should do and we agreed that honesty would be a good idea. Right now, his comment “how much worse can telling the truth be” keeps ringing in my head. The answer has of course been much, much worse. I guess though this is nothing I don’t deserve.

During the original conversation on Monday, while backed into a corner, I said something very unkind to hubby, essentially telling him that I no longer found him sexually arousing. This of course is the thing that plays in his mind. But actually this is a reality that he has known for a long time and it is really what led me on this course in the first place. That and discovering the submissive and kinky side to me that I now know I crave.

I can’t and won’t go into details about what happened during this weekend. Some of it will live with me without writing it here and the rest is best forgotten. I know how much hurt I have caused, I know how I have made him feel, I know he is one minute angry, the next devastated, I know he feels guilty as he feels he drove me to this because of his own infidelity some years ago.

I am now faced with three choices as I see it – A) I stay with hubby and I give up Sir, B) I leave hubby and C) I stay with hubby and keep Sir.

At the moment my desire to submit to Sir and lack of desire to walk away from my marriage coupled with a lack of a place to go mean I have asked hubby for option C. He is less than happy,  but says he won’t stop me.

I can’t and won’t talk about the kinky side with hubby. I don’t believe he will understand. I am pretty sure any dominance he could display would be transient and actually he may be quite submissive himself.

One thing is for sure, this is one hell of a mess!

Liebster Award

My week hasn’t really panned out the way I expected so I am a bit late to the Liebster Award party. Thanks though to Fiona at SirQsmlb who nominated me, I really appreciate it and the kind words she said about my blog in her nomination. Blogging has proved for many of us to be our saving grace, a place to come and express ourselves in a way that is difficult even with our own loved ones. Our blogs are a place to be ourselves. That has certainly been true for me. I will write much much more about the events of this week, but for now I am grateful that I am able to use this award post to be a little more light hearted. So here goes:

The rules of this award:


  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into one’s blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!) 

Since I am really late and since my brain is not fully functioning, I am not sticking to the rules, instead I am going to give you my random facts and answer Fiona’s questions but not nominate anyone else – most people seem to have already participated.

11 Random facts about me (I hope I haven’t said these ones before)!

  1. My parents are both only children and I have one child myself (I am not an only child though)
  2. I left home at 18 to become a nurse. Sadly the lovely old hospital where I trained as a nurse has been knocked down. There are some very sad pictures on facebook to prove it
  3. My favourite nursing job was when I looked after patients with rheumatoid arthritis; I was a specialist nurse. The workload overwhelmed me in the end and when I left they replaced me with 2 people!
  4. My son spent a year studying in the US and this time last year he was staying with a friend and his family in LA. I am grateful that they made his time there so special (thought I would throw in a Thanksgiving reference)
  5. I love food much too much, and am very bad at leaving food when full  – probably caused by my mum making us eat everything on our plates before we could get down from the table!
  6. I love to walk and be near the sea. I love that Sir lives near the sea (though there are other reasons I like to be with him)
  7. I find the idea of sex outside exhilarating and I haven’t been disappointed
  8. I am not a great movie buff, I do enjoy a good film, but one of my problems is I have trouble recalling what a film was called or what happened in it quite soon afterwards!
  9. I love Christmas day, and still find it difficult to sleep the night before. I love the smell of turkey cooking, I love wrapping presents while listening to Christmas music; I just love it
  10. I love to be with people, but I really need my own space. My son is the same.
  11. I like playing board games, and miss the times when we used to play games when my son was younger. He was a terrible loser at times. Now they are reserved for Christmas time – another reason to love it!


Now the questions from Fiona:
1.  What’s your favourite implement for spanking? – We haven’t tried all that many so far, but probably his hand. I am still waiting for that riding crop!
2.  What is your favourite dessert? – I love lemon, probably lemon meringue pie
3.  What’s your favourite toy in your arsenal? – Nipple clamps; they just turn me to mush!
4.  What is your favourite sport (whether to play or watch)? – I was never very good at playing sport, but I do like to watch. This year I particularly loved the Olympics especially the athletics. I also liked watching the cycling as it reminds me of Sir.
5.  City life or country life? – Country would be my choice, though by the sea would be even better!
6.  What’s your favourite pair of shoes? – My black fuck me heels at present, but my new suede boots are pretty good too; Sir likes both!
7.  Are you with a significant other?  If so, for how long? – yes 28 years
8.  Swallow, spit or pull out?  (either you do or have your partner do) – Pull out, though I will do whatever He wants!
9.  What would your motto be? – Live life to the full!
10.  Most interesting class you ever took in school? – A law module when doing my degree (I was a mature student), it stopped me going to see patients on my day off since I found I wasn’t covered by the hospital insurance!
11.  Describe your kink in 11 words or less. – Dominate me, spank me, clamp me, I am yours!

The fonts seem to be all over the place, probably as I copied some of it from Fiona’s original post. Still I guess it is the content that is important here! 

Confessions

I am not going to write much about this now, but since I have used this place to talk about some of the great experiences I have had this year, it only seems right to talk about the less good.

This week I have done the hardest thing ever; I have told hubby I am having an affair. I haven’t told him about the kind of affair it is, but he knows that this year for the first time in our married life (28 years) I have been unfaithful.

I won’t go into details about how it all came about, though I will probably write about it here in a few days as this is essentially my journal and I feel it might be an idea to write down what happened and how I feel.

Hubby is, as might be expected, devastated. He says he suspected something, but I am not sure he really did. He is both angry and as he describes it; broken hearted. I know that I have caused this in the search of my own happiness, and my own feelings about this are very complex. I know what, according to societies expectations of me, I should do. But I really don’t want to do that. I don’t want to give up on what I have found. I just don’t know if I am going to be able to give hubby what he wants too.

If I was on any kind of journey before, I have just reached a cross roads. One which is so over grown it is impossible to see the signposts to tell you which way to go.

I am not looking for advice here, I am just laying out how things are right now.

I have not gone though, I am just working out what to do and what to say.

Just some random thoughts

It’s only 2 weeks since i last saw Sir, but it feels so much longer. i was lying in bed last night, alone at that time since hubby was watching TV downstairs, wondering if i am actually back where i was when Sir and i first chatted back in March. Of course, i am not. There is nothing on earth that can take away the great times, the experiences we have had this year. But and it feels like a big BUT, right now, or certainly last night, I don’t feel in any way submissive.

Contact between Sir and myself, since that lovely Saturday two weeks ago has been minimal and that contact has been online only and very very superficial and vanilla. There is nothing wrong with this, and when we have chatted it has been very nice, but we have both been tired after long days at work. So there has been no kink discussion, no attempt by him to remind me of my submissiveness or indeed by me to remind him of his dominance. i would be lying if i didn’t say that i am really missing it; having found out who i really feel i am this year, i don’t want to give it all up.

Yesterday lunchtime i was out shopping, trying to choose something for last nights dinner and also for my own lunch. i heard myself say to the work colleague i was with that i just don’t want to have to make a decision here. That just feels indicative of my current general mood, which is that i want someone to take control much more. It was how i found myself attracted to Him in the first place and it was how i embraced submission quite so much. Of course i don’t really want someone telling me what i should eat for lunch or buy for dinner, it is much deeper than that. But i really did enjoy the feeling of wearing clothes he had instructed me to wear often without underwear. It helped to focus me and that is probably what i am missing right now.

That and the sex. Whatever else we have done together this year and we have done lots of things in lots of places, with or without the D/s element. One thing we both say is that the sex has been great. After years without much sex at all, much less anything particularly fulfilling, we have had hours and hours and hours of sexual pleasure together. He has given me some amazing orgasms and i have been to levels i barely knew existed. i know this sounds selfish, but i want much much more of that.

i have come to love the fact that when we are together, i am his to use as he wishes. i am his sex toy, his slut, his whore.  i have come to appreciate the pain that goes with this and the effect it has on me. i have come to realise that submitting to him, wearing his collar, kneeling before him is where i want to be. i just don’t really know how to get more of what i want.

Photo from Through My Eyes

Love Our Lurkers

Since this is my first year of blogging around these parts it is my first Love Our Lurkers day. This is a day dedicated to those people who visit a blog but who rarely, if ever comment on that blog. Most of us began that way, exploring what might be a new area of interest, gaining the knowledge of life experiences from those living this lifestyle. Often they seem like places where the people who comment and get involved are the same people, close friends, a clique even. But once you get the nerve to write your name (which of course doesn’t need to be your real one) and a short (or long) message, you find that everyone is very welcoming. The great thing about D/s bloggers is just how friendly they are. Pretty much without fail they give individual replies to those who leave a comment on their blogs. You also find that while people read each others blog and chat like friends, in most cases they don’t actually know each other in real life. It is like a coffee shop where people meet for a coffee (maybe cake) and a chat, and then people go off on their way. Observers (lurkers) think they are close friends, but this is actually the only place they know each other from. And that’s the way they like it.

I know quite a few of you who visit this place visit reasonably frequently. I actually know who some of my lurkers are as they communicate with me in other ways (email or through fetlife). Everyone is very welcome to leave me a comment, I will welcome you with open arms. Who knows I may even have the coffee on…..

I have to admit that I am not feeling all that engaged with things D/s this week. Sir has been a bit off colour after a minor ‘procedure’ and I am having work related stuff going on. This has meant the few chats we have had since last Saturday have been pretty ordinary nay vanilla in context and form. Not that this is a bad thing in itself, but it is just that it feels there is little to write here. I am spending time reading the blogs of others, sometimes lurking (of course we all still do it) and sometimes commenting. I often read the blogs of others to get inspiration, particularly at times like this when I don’t have any exciting real life events to report and need some ideas to get me going. I get the feeling I am going to need some of those ideas in the coming weeks or else this will be a dull place where people won’t even lurk, much less comment.

I do have some good old ordinary vanillaesque (new word people) weekend to look forward to. My college boy son is granting us a visit after 2 months in the world of books and whatever else they get up to. Hubby and I are off out for a night out tomorrow with some good friends and on Sunday I have my folks visiting for a good old fashioned Sunday Roast. None of these things are in any way kinky, but I know I will enjoy them and they will be fun. I can’t ask more than that right now.

So…….

i think that it is true to say that right now my life is much too busy. This may well be short lived, but right now that is what i think. This is the first time i have sat on my own sofa since Wednesday evening, not that i haven’t had a good time sitting on other sofas (or a even chaise longue) you understand.

After leaving Sir’s on Friday morning, i spent the morning with my work colleagues at a conference (useful and interesting if a little gloomy about the future of our sector of the NHS, but that is another story entirely). i then drove home, collected hubby and some clothes etc, drove to the town when my son is at university and dropped off a ticket to a football match i had purchased for him (i am the softest mum ever) and on to our weekend away at a seaside town. Bearing in mind that Sir lives by the sea, i was grateful that when my parents invited us on this trip it was to entirely different seaside area (this is of course an island so the chance of that is high). I traveled though 7 English Counties that day, but got to see lots of roads, fields, cars and trucks. I had a great weekend, thanks for asking, but this madness makes Thursday night with Sir feel all the more like it took place a long long time ago!

However i will attempt to record some of what occurred here, since that is the purpose of this blog and i am already at least 100 words into this post.

I arrived slightly stressed. He wanted seamed stockings, so i stopped at motorway services to change from the ones i had worn all day, only to find them laddered. I added to this by putting my finger through them again. So i reverted to the pair i had arrived in, only to find that they too were laddered. Then just as i pulled up my boss phoned, and having missed the call i felt i should try to call her back but was unable to get through. Luckily for me He was taking no nonsense from me. I was soon on my knees sucking his cock. Shortly afterwards i was on all fours while he spanked me with the lead to my collar!

We have recently discovered that i respond very well when he slaps my pussy with whatever he happens to be using, to by the time i made it upstairs, i had a sore backside and sore but very wet pussy. He stripped me, except for stockings (he said the ladder was strangely fetching) and heels. Then applied nipple clamps, one of which some how very quickly made its way to my clit! Within about 30 minutes of my arrival he had allowed me to cum 3 times and had released himself within my arse (mind you it was the first time we had seen each other for a month).

Thankfully things slowed down from then on in. I will write more about that tomorrow when i have had some time to think about the whole thing a bit more from the comfort of my own sofa. All i can say is it was beyond fantastic and i am aiming for more of the same very soon. Maybe even this week if Sir can accommodate me!

Maintenance

I read a lot about maintenance, my fellow submissive bloggers discuss frequently how they need to be spanked frequently, or to follow particular rituals so that they can keep on the straight and narrow of submission. It is difficult to follow rituals when you are not living together and when you both lead busy lives, well you can follow rituals, but the other person doesn’t know if you have carried them out. Also the Dominant would need to be very attentive, checking in for progress reports. Our relationship definitely isn’t like that. Of course you can’t receive maintenance spankings if you are not together either, unless you were to spank yourself at His behest, and to be honest that sounds a little on the weird side.

We haven’t seen each other for around a month, and during that time i haven’t been particularly submissive or slut like. i have been on holiday and while there i wore shorts or trousers every day. Even when i have worn a skirt, i have always worn underwear and not once have i been near a pair of stockings (though if it gets any colder something will need to be applied to my legs). I haven’t even shaved my pussy (though other areas have been attended to). I have definitely got very lazy, which means that if He turned up on a white charger out of the blue i would need to rush to the nearest bathroom, quickly followed by my bedroom before i was ready for Him.

I am getting back into the right mindset for tomorrow’s meeting. We have chatted over the last few evenings about the things we will do and where in His house these things will take place. We have discussed the punishment i might need (which may be ramped up a little after he reads this) and what form that might take. We have discussed what i will wear and how i will present myself the minute i get inside His front door. In the absence of regular ‘maintenance’ the ritual we have of talking through all of this stuff acts as a substitute. But probably i need a bit more of this to keep me on the right path, to keep me feeling like the submissive i am for more of the time.

Tomorrow is the day though and i am really looking forward to it. The good thing too is that afterwards i will have something to write about here and we can all be pretty glad about that!

30 Days of Submission – Days 20 and 21

After my holiday and the resulting period of navel gazing reflection what better way to get me back on the submission straight and narrow but the next installments of 30 days of submission? So here goes:

Has your submission increased or decreased over time? Have you ever had to renegotiate your submission due to a change in your feelings or circumstance?

Over the months since i first began to consider Dominance and submission in any serious kind of way and to practice elements of it, my submission has, as you might expect increased. This is of course part of the learning process i am going through with Sir as my tutor (as it were). But also writing this blog, reading the writings of others (real and fiction) has helped me to think about how i want to be as a submissive. One of the biggest things of course is the trust i need to place in Him when i am submitting to Him. Trust is something that develops over time, and as i increasingly place my trust in Him (whether that is about bondage, about the humiliating situations i submit myself to or whatever), i feel more submissive towards Him. It is almost as if when we are together, and in the middle of a scene, i can release myself completely to Him. I tend to over think, over analyse (who would have thought it?), but for increasing periods of time when we are together i can let all of that stuff go. Maybe that is why i am suddenly so reflective again – i just need to be with Him, submitting. Who knows?

Is there a physical position that makes you feel most submissive?

Any position where i have no or little control over what i can do feels submissive. Kneeling in front of Him, especially when i have just arrived and would prefer to be on my feet holding and being held while we kiss. On all fours on the bed or floor while he pushes his cock into me. Probably the most submissive thing for me though has been anal sex. I was curious before, but never imagined i would actually like it. It is hard to explain why that is, other than that it arouses me more than i could imagine and that, yes, it makes me feel ever more submissive. I love the power it feels that it gives Him. Plus it is something i have never done with anyone else and at present have no desire to do so.