The happiness I have been feeling for the past few weeks will not last. The reality is that for both of us, what we have is a gap filler. For me, it hopefully helps me finally end the relationship I have been in for all these years but which if I let it would slowly destroy me. For him it is until he is with the person he loves.
These may be things we choose to forget when we are playing, when we are walking hand in hand, eating a meal or when he is owning part of my body. I have willingly given that body to him, but it is not a forever thing.
The question for me is, how do I make sure that I don’t get myself hurt too badly? I need this relationship with him, and I think he does with me. We are good together and we make each other happy.
But I am anxious. I am wary and I am a little bit scared.
I need something that he won’t be able to give me, though for now that probably doesn’t matter. It does worry me however that after this is over, I will have to pick myself up again and move on.
Dramatic, self centred, selfish? Yes. But since I have started to think about me, that is how I am.
I have realised that where I felt I could manage this thing on my own, I now realise I probably need some outside help to manage my feelings and my anxieties about the future.