It’s only 2 weeks since i last saw Sir, but it feels so much longer. i was lying in bed last night, alone at that time since hubby was watching TV downstairs, wondering if i am actually back where i was when Sir and i first chatted back in March. Of course, i am not. There is nothing on earth that can take away the great times, the experiences we have had this year. But and it feels like a big BUT, right now, or certainly last night, I don’t feel in any way submissive.
Contact between Sir and myself, since that lovely Saturday two weeks ago has been minimal and that contact has been online only and very very superficial and vanilla. There is nothing wrong with this, and when we have chatted it has been very nice, but we have both been tired after long days at work. So there has been no kink discussion, no attempt by him to remind me of my submissiveness or indeed by me to remind him of his dominance. i would be lying if i didn’t say that i am really missing it; having found out who i really feel i am this year, i don’t want to give it all up.
Yesterday lunchtime i was out shopping, trying to choose something for last nights dinner and also for my own lunch. i heard myself say to the work colleague i was with that i just don’t want to have to make a decision here. That just feels indicative of my current general mood, which is that i want someone to take control much more. It was how i found myself attracted to Him in the first place and it was how i embraced submission quite so much. Of course i don’t really want someone telling me what i should eat for lunch or buy for dinner, it is much deeper than that. But i really did enjoy the feeling of wearing clothes he had instructed me to wear often without underwear. It helped to focus me and that is probably what i am missing right now.
That and the sex. Whatever else we have done together this year and we have done lots of things in lots of places, with or without the D/s element. One thing we both say is that the sex has been great. After years without much sex at all, much less anything particularly fulfilling, we have had hours and hours and hours of sexual pleasure together. He has given me some amazing orgasms and i have been to levels i barely knew existed. i know this sounds selfish, but i want much much more of that.
i have come to love the fact that when we are together, i am his to use as he wishes. i am his sex toy, his slut, his whore. i have come to appreciate the pain that goes with this and the effect it has on me. i have come to realise that submitting to him, wearing his collar, kneeling before him is where i want to be. i just don’t really know how to get more of what i want.
Photo from Through My Eyes