Regrets?

Not at all. The past 15 months has opened up a whole new world and made me challenge the status quo of my life. How could I regret that?

The past couple of days have been, to say the least, difficult. No one likes to be told that something must end before they themselves feel that they are ready. Dealing with that message is challenging.

So too is the realisation that your emotions can’t be controlled, especially when, like me, you are the kind of person who rarely cries.

On Saturday afternoon I felt rejected, and hurt. Even though we had discussed that day arriving, I had not seen that it had arrived. I know that he had tried to find the right moment to do what he felt he should and must, but for me, I wasn’t sure he chose the right one. But then, when would that have been?

I drove home much of the 115 miles with tears either stinging my eyes or with them running down my face. I was upset and confused, but not angry. There had been little time before I needed to leave and he needed to go out to talk. What is more, words were difficult to find. Being given the things in the goody bag that essentially belong to me was bizarre. After all, when will I ever want to get them out again? I bought them for him, my Dom and now I have no Dom (they were my thoughts).

48 hours later the great feeling of grief is already fading a little. I have been grateful for yesterday being Sunday and today being a day off work. Grateful too for the helpful words of support from friends (online and in person). Today, I have fortuitously met a good friend for a prearranged lunch. She has let me talk freely, reassured me when I have been weepy and has offered me just the right amount of advice.

I have also been helped by a lovely email from S (I will call him that from now on as he is no longer Sir) and then a Skype chat last night.

I am clear now about what I need to do to move forward. If when I tell him, hubby thinks we will return to our previous life, he is mistaken. S has helped me see (all be it through the blurred vision of tears) that I need to be free to venture upon the next phase of my life. I hope that he will be part of that phase, just not in the way I might have hoped.

So for this afternoon, right now, I am feeling positive.

I am under no illusions that there will be more than enough ups and downs to come. More knocks and blows. But I know that I have friends around me, including many of you who have left me messages or emailed. Thank you all.

This is not the end of the journey, perhaps it is in truth still beginning?

It’s over

The relationship I have been having for the past 15 months with the man who I called Sir on this website and often outside of it is over.

There have been no arguments, no crossed words even. I believe we will always hold a special place in our hearts for each other, but it has ended.

We found each other at a time we needed what we found with each other. He is more ready than me to move into a new phase in his life and I respect him for his honesty. He is a lovely man, and I won’t hear a word said against him.

I can’t talk about it here yet. I need to articulate my thoughts and feelings to a few people in the real world first.

All I can say is that I am sad, very sad.

Looking forward

So yesterday ended in disappointment. But as they say tomorrow is another day. In fact so is today.

My life, as Sir is always reminding me, is mainly positive these days. Redundancy has brought with it new opportunities; new car, apartment in France, new kitchen. In short, i am pretty much financially secure. Of course this doesn’t take account of the prospect of divorce, but at the moment that is a way off.

i have been head hunted for the possibility of work that pays twice the rate i am currently receiving. i will need to go for an interview, but the possibility that i will soon be working full time again for a while is definitely there.

i am proud to report i have lost 7lb in 2 weeks. Diet and fitness are going well and i am on track to wear the corset within the month.

Next, arrangements have been made for the signing of papers for ownership of the French apartment. i am pretty excited about this. There will be a couple of short trips over there in the next few weeks and then hopefully i will be able to rent the apartment out before i take a longer holiday. My birthday is coming up, and i am hoping to be over there then. Perhaps taking my son as a treat for all of his hard work. Of course, i will have work for him to do while there, but i think he will be happy to help get things ready for paying guests.

Son’s graduation is next Thursday; i will be just so proud!

Tomorrow, i am off to visit Sir (traffic permitting).

The weather here is suddenly as summer should be, so in prospect is an afternoon on the beach, just me, my book and perhaps an ice cream and some water. Then later, Sir and i maybe will have a picnic dinner on the beach. I just love this time of year for its long days and warm weather. Plus there is the prospect of al fresco fun, which knowing Sir will involve some kind of risk of being discovered, plus the pushing of my humiliation related limits.

i look forward to sucking Him.

i look forward to being fucked in all orifices.

i look forward to kneeling before Him.

i just look forward……

The best laid plans

The opportunities for Sir and i to get together at the moment are limited. We are just busy people, with lives to live, work to do and family to please. On Sunday, faced with the prospect of not seeing Sir for another month, i hatched a plan. While i wouldn’t be able to stay at His place Wednesday (i.e. tonight), due to work commitments on Thursday, we could at least spend part of the afternoon and evening together for some al fresco fun. Then Friday (two days from now), i will travel to His place and stay over even though he has plans for Saturday night and Sunday. I am all for compromise.

Sir got quite excited about the alfresco possibilities. We discussed scenarios for a scene, and were both pulled along by the thought.

He decided white stockings would be in order. As the girls reading this will know, no one wears white these days so that means ivory – bridal ivory i discovered while shopping. But who can wear ivory stockings with a black or red suspender belt? So I ordered a bridal ivory belt from a famous UK shop where people often by lingerie. This morning, having shaved in preparation, i hurried along and collected this garment. Then i went to my work commitment, which even if i say so myself went well.

The satellite  navigation system in my new car told me i would be at my destination at 3.09, which would allow time for putting on said stockings, suspenders and also some heels. By 2.15 i had covered half the journey, all was well.

Then fate took over. An accident on the ‘road to hell‘ meant that in the following hour i travelled a mile at most. At first i thought, OK i’ll be a bit late, then, OK, i’ll be an hour late. But as time and very little opportunity to get closer to my destination and Sir,  went on, it became apparent that this trip was doomed to failure.

Sir had taken the train, a journey of maybe an hour and a half. I had travelled for 2 hours in my car, then 3 hours, but always we were according to the technology always an hour apart and in the end we decided that we should both head home. Probably a 4 hour wasted journey for us both.

So, today, there has been no fun and games. There has been no ivory suspender belt and stockings, no sex on a picnic table, no picnic, no touching. Nothing but frustration and disappointment.

Sometimes plans are just plans and they don’t work out. Thankfully for us, this was the first time this happened. Plus there is still Friday to look forward to!

Jealousy

Many of the things i have found i love to do for (and with) Sir are things that hubby has always wanted me to do for him. Indeed it is not true that before i met Sir I had never worn stockings and heels for hubby, it is just that i complained about the idea of it. At the same time, i have sucked hubby’s cock, but again, i just didn’t really enjoy it. He tends to cum quickly, and i found the idea of that happening before i was even turned on repulsive. In time this led to me refusing to suck him, refusing to dress up, refusing to do anything that would please him.

It wasn’t that i didn’t want to make him happy, far from it. But i couldn’t see what was in it for me. He has never learnt to touch me in a way that arouses, but throws this back at me, since i should have told him, taught him, shared with him how.

Now he knows the kind of things i will gladly do for Sir he is unsurprisingly jealous. What is more he says he is humiliated that people might find out that he is unable to satisfy me.

In fact, i did not stray because of that reason, well not just for sex. Rather, i looked for a whole range of experiences i wasn’t getting at home.

i wanted someone to take control of situations, to make decisions to tell me what we should do and how we should do it. At the same time i wanted to feel cared for, to be stimulated not just sexually but emotionally and intellectually. i wanted conversations that didn’t include football. i wanted to walk to talk, to find out who i was.

What i found was a D/s relationship, one that i didn’t know i needed and one which for the past 15 months has sustained me. I found sex, amazing kinky sex. I found orgasms, humiliation, exhibitionism. But i also found friendship, someone who seemed to understand me and who in turn i could return the favour.

Hubby is jealous of the sex that he perceives (often quite rightly) that Sir and i enjoy. But perhaps he has a right to be jealous, just not of the things he thinks about,

i have some fun things to look forward to this week. i am really looking forward to some summer fun! More, much more to come……

What I would like right now

Is to be in bed with my Sir, waking to a sunny morning, after the  night before. This morning I woke alone, as I do often these days. If I were in bed with him now, at 6 am, I would hope to still be sleeping, to still need to be asleep. After all yesterday we would have had lots of sex. Perhaps my nipples would still be tender from the clamps, my bottom still tingling from the crop, my ass still a little sore from his cock, my clit still throbbing from the orgasms I had been permitted, my mouth still remembering his cock too.

I have taken to waking up far too early, I don’t really know why this is. There is something beautiful about a warm sunny morning; the crisp brightness, the smell, the cool feel, the sounds (of wood pigeons  in this case). Summer has finally arrived here and for that I am grateful even though sleeping is difficult.  Few people in this country would bother with air conditioning in their homes, since you only get a handful of hot days / night sometimes in a whole summer let alone consecutively. For the moment though we seem to be getting perhaps a week, who knows two. While I would rather sleep, being awake isn’t altogether un pleasant.

Yesterday, I got to take my lovely shiny new car out for a good run. My parents returned from holiday and I went to collect them from an airport about 30 miles away. Being a Saturday early evening, the roads were pretty clear, so I was able to put my foot down and test it out for speed and general driving pleasure. I am pleased to say it didn’t let me down. I enjoyed the music I have on my own iPhone, tried out the Sat Nav (and enjoyed making it recalculate several times as I travelled my own preferred route). That trip was part of the way to Sir’s, I would rather have been going there, but since he was out with his children, and my parents were arriving on a plane, I had no choice but to do that instead.

In the next few days hopefully, I will have the chance to kneel before Sir. I suck him, to be used by him. Who knows, if this weather holds, we might even get some out door fun. What I wouldn’t give for that right now!

This and that

I am having a quiet time when it comes to kink and all that goes with it. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to see Sir for the last couple of weeks, due to work, social and family commitments on both sides. Mean time, a post about this and that….

The first week of my diet has gone well. I lost 4.5lb which I was very pleased with and puts me back to my previously recorded highest weight. I have managed to fit in exercise on 4 days out of 4 and have tried to be more active at other times. I feel motivated and I know Sir shares my desire to have slightly less of me to spank, caress and hold. 

Yesterday for the start of week 2 though, I kind of abandoned the diet for the day as I had a day out with girlfriends at Henley Regatta. This is set along the river Thames at Henley on Thames – a prosperous area of the country. People descend from all over the world to participate in the various rowing races and even more people arrive to watch (the rowing, the scenery, each other). The day involved some lovely food, alcohol (champagne, pimms and wine), girly chat, people watching, strolling and even watching the boats and their occupants. All of which were very pleasant activities. I drank a little too much, but am not really the worse for it today. Back onto the straight and narrow of my diet regime and tomorrow I will restart the exercise.

On Wednesday, I collected my new car. Unfortunately it was at the end of a tiring working day, so I only drove it home on that day. Then yesterday, I was collected by a friend to go off to Henley, returning home this morning. So, this afternoon I have been out for a spin. I didn’t really have anywhere special I wanted to go, but I did need to go food shopping. So I decided to go to a supermarket a bit further away than usual so I could get a run out in the car. It is lovely to have a car with air conditioning (my old car didn’t have it) and wonderful to smell that new car smell and to just drive. Definitely gave me a better than average feeling while food shopping!
Work is going pretty well and I am now ready to submit my first invoice. It is strange to be back in the old office. But great to see people I used to work with. I have decided I like being back at work, being busy, but I like working part time even more.
On Tuesday I went with my sister in law to see Robbie Williams at Wembley Stadium in London and had a wonderful time. Robbie was definitely back to his best and Ollie Murs was pretty good too. It was lovely to spend time with my sister in law, who is now divorced from my brother and who I don’t get to see often enough now. 
So, even though things are quiet on the seeing Sir front. they have been far from quiet generally. Now for a hot and sunny weekend and maybe some chill-out time!

Time for action

Redundancy and then time off work has been great for my general wellbeing. I feel relaxed, my batteries recharged. It has done nothing for my weight.

This morning I decided to get back to my Wii work outs with Mel B. As I stood on the balance board, a message flashed across the screen – there is a marked difference in your weight since last time, are you sure you are J! Sadly, yes this is J, she is just heavier than she has ever been in her life.

I knew I had put on weight, my clothes (the ones that still fit) are tight. I am uncomfortable and while I have more energy because I am not tired, actually I know I am fat and unfit.

I have been eating too many bad things (e.g. cheese) and drinking too much (wine mainly). Spending the amount of time alone that I currently do, doesn’t help.

Hubby remarked about my weight last night during a ‘discussion’. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me (not about that anyway), but he did. However he was right and I do need to do something about it.

Today, I have bitten the bullet and joined the online version of slimming world. I had good results in the past, but don’t feel the need (yet), for group humiliation. I believe I can get myself into shape with a revised diet and a fitness programme.

Hubby suggested Sir must like me fat. I don’t suppose he does, but he tends not to comment on these things. Plus he knows I have been under lots of stress and pressure at home. I bet though, that he would like to see me in that corset again, the one that is currently much much too small to do up!

I know its Thursday and traditionally we start these things on Monday. But when you realise you weigh more than you did when you gave birth, it is time for action. That is what I am going to try to do!

Update: Sir, can you help offer up any incentives for getting thinner and fitter?

Exciting times

Despite the mess that is my marriage, essentially I am having a really good time right now. I have discovered that with a bit of effort, good things can happen. Granted I have been helped along by my redundancy payment which I am mainly using wisely (though the odd bit of recklessness doesn’t go amiss.

While on holiday, I was offered the opportunity to buy a small apartment in a French coastal resort. The deal is excellent and to be honest it offers a better use of the money I have available for investment. I will be able to rent it out and also it will be somewhere for all of the family to use for holidays. In about 5 or 6 weeks it should be mine and that will offer some great new opportunities.

I have now been offered some work, essentially 3 days per week for the next 3-4 months, plus there is some other work in the offing. Hopefully this will mean I can take another short break in the autumn, when I will definitely be going to France!

I went to look at cars on Saturday and came out of the show room the owner of a new car. I went with the intention of buying a car that was 2 years old, but what with 0% interest and some other enticements, the new one was too good to pass up. By the weekend I should have it and that will be lots of fun.

The kitchen planner came today, and my final large purchase will soon be on order. This is the first time, in 20 years in this house that we have had something like this done. The last kitchen was a DIY job, and was never actually quite finished. This will give me something I have always wanted, plus it will add to the value of the house. There is every chance we will need to sell in the next couple of years, given the state of my marriage, but meantime I am going to have something I really want.

I have a few trips to look forward to in the next few weeks – a night out seeing Robbie Williams in concert, a trip to Henley Regatta and then my son’s graduation. New clothes are needed for the last two (the same new outfit for both), so I will need to get on with that pretty soon.

So while my life seems full of uncertainty when it comes to hubby and I there are lots of positives. Plus of course, I have my relationship with Sir. That is going really well and there is a lot to look forward to there too.