I have decided that my life is complicated enough that i would be well advised not to get involved in more than one extra maritial affair at a time. I also think that keeping that relationship slightly at arms length and on a more sexual level is what i am most comfortable with right now. I am going to tell A (the serious guy who hasn’t spoken on the phone to me or met me and who wants me to wear a collar for him) that i am not yet ready for this kind of committment. I suspect that once i gave him my phone number he would be pretty intense. I have enjoyed our chats and he sure has a way of getting a girl to open up. But it feels like too much too soon.
I am seeing Master again on Wednesday. I do feel guilty about the way in which i am currently deceiving hubby, but i am going to go ahead and do it anyway. For the second time in a couple of weeks i am taking annual leave to do this and i know that is something i can’t make a habit of. For once in my life i am really putting my wants, needs and desires before anyone else and that in itself is quite scary and unusual. Generally my life is at the beck, call and mercy of others. Master makes me feel good in a way no man ever has and i think for once i am going to be selfish and enjoy it while i can.
Master loves that i am experiencing new feelings and that i love what we are able to do together. I know that he feels that he owns that part of me already and since i am consumed with those feelings for a good part of the time that he owns much more of me than that. I don’t know how any of this will pan out but i know that i must just live for each day and enjoy what i have. There will be more to say after Wednesday!
I could appear so attractive to men online. I must have some kind of gift! I am not talking about the guys you can chat to in an evening who are keen for some cyber sex and who you might ‘bump’ into again for a bit of the same a few days later. But those who are seeking a deeper attachment.
The relationship with Master is developing, we had a good day on Friday and we spent a reasonable amount of time talking about our lives. We didn’t get down to any deep feelings about each other, after all i am married and in exploring mode and he is newly separated and still working through the fall out of the events before and since. We haven’t chatted all that much since (he worked the weekend) and most of the time when we have we have been reliving Friday. i feel a bit nervous about asking him what he wants for the future and anyway i am not sure what i want for mine!
Last night i chatted again to the person i met the other day (see this post). He is a whole different kind of person. For one thing he has extracted masses of information out of me and then he has offered back his thoughts on me and my life. He is scarily accurate in his assessment. He quickly worked out the kind of relationship i have with hubby and challenged me about what keeps me here.
Last week he set a task, he wanted me to shower, shave and then dress in stockings and a silky dress, no underwear and stand infront of the mirror admiring and stroking myself. i did this and yes it was rather nice. Last night he cranked the task up as this time he wants me to shower and shave, then wearing a chocker around my neck he wants me to kneel in a prepared submissive position and say aloud in front of the mirror that i am there for him. Then he wants me to change the choker for a tight necklace and write his name on my pussy then dress as before.
This is something else entirely and it has left me with mixed and confused feelings. i will finish this post when i have had more time to think things through!
i am somone who likes to know about the things i do. i research holidays and places i visit. i buy guide books, some of which i never look at once i arrive! i have a thirst for knowledge, and lets face it the internet is great for people like me who seek to know things. i have been looking periodically at information relating to BDSM and this lifestyle for some time, but over recent weeks i have read little else. Am i a little obsessive right now? Yes pretty much.
There are some interesting websites with forums and information and of course chat rooms and personal ads. i particularly like BDSM Library for information and forums and Bondage.com for the chat facility. But there are so many other resources out there. There are some amazing blogs and information sites. i will start adding to my blogroll soon, but at the moment i am tending to read blog posts in a slightly random way, this is about my thurst for knowledge and about my desire to work out what kind of lifestyle i am looking for and a bit about what my limits might be.
One of the first people i chatted with in a chat room on BDSM library suggested he wanted me to wear a nappy (diaper) so he could train me. Well this is a no no for me. i am not, for anyone wearing a nappy and that it it. But there are lots of things which involve bondage, gagging, sex in public, humiliation, punishment etc which on face value appear more extreme but to me are worth thinking about before saying no.
i have been reading a number of BDSM novels. i am really grateful for the kindle because it means i can sit in my living room or on the train and read what i want. Though recently on the train, tightly squeezed against the next person i reverted to a Rosie Thomas novel instead. Some of the literature available is a little far fetched, though pretty erotic, and these books are often quite short (so be careful not to spend too much on them). But many are extremely good books with excellent plot lines and an underlying message. The Dom of my Dreams by MF Sinclair is one of my favorites. It is about a publishing editor who thinks she is carefree and single, but who is frightened of committment. She tends to pick up men, sleep with them and discard them. The story is about an author giving her a taste of her medicine, while playing to her D/s fantasies. There are more books and when i get round to the blogroll i will create a book list too.
Finally i have been reading two more informational books by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, these are the New Bottoming Book and The Ethical Slut. When i have finished reading these i will say more, suffice to say though i am learning loads.
Lord knows when doing all of this i am managing to fit in normal life, but of course i am. And will continue to do so.
Yesterday’s events feel like a dream. Except that i am feeling a little weary (could be put down to the long period of time spent driving as much as the activities in Master’s house), but i do feel very satisfied.
The maid’s outfit was great. i really did enjoy wearing it. i also loved the heels, even though I am tall , and don’t usually wear heels except on a night out. i loved walking around in heels all day. i think Ii could get used to them too!
i also reveled in the fact i wore no knickers all day. i loved the fact that Sir could touch me anytime he wanted and touch me he did, lots and lots. What was quite amusing was that i was dressed as a maid, but it was Sir who made me breakfast and lunch, coffee and tea. Sir was adamant that he wanted to do these things for me; he knows that at home i do it all and he wanted me to sit showing myself to him while he got things ready rather than me waiting on him. i loved sitting with my legs open for him while he got on with these domestic tasks.
But it wasn’t all about sex. It was about us getting to know each other. It was about talking about our lives, our children, our families, ourselves and what makes us tick. Sir can certainly spin a tale and he has been to some amazing places, done lots of jobs and i am really interested in hearing all about these things.
One thing that is clear to me is how relaxed i feel in Sir’s company. i have rarely been able to let myself go quite as easily, to forget real life and to focus on another. Perhaps this is the submission and the way in which i am learning to embrace it. i am also loving Sir’s cock in a way that i haven’t been able to appreciate a cock ever before. Maybe this is why i am so happy to have this cock in my mouth when i have usually been less keen. This is another skill i am learning and think i could probably become quite good at, and gladly so.
So this weekend joolz will be going round with something of a smile on her face as she does her usual chores. Good memories are a wonderful thing and can stay with you for ever, i sure hope they will!
This a complete revelation to me. Today was my second meeting with my Master and i have discovered that i really love to be fucked in the arse. Anal sex brings me closer to orgasm than vaginal sex ever has and that is a fact.
i had to get up early to get to Sir’s house. i took pride and pleasure in dressing in fishnet stockings with suspenders a black and white skirt and white top. No bra, no knickers. The journey was pretty good, very little traffic so i made it to the service station Sir had instructed me to stop at within 2 hours. A trip to the loo and the butt plug was in and i used my rabbit to turn myself on while chatting at the services with Sir.
Sir had croissants and coffee waiting. i sat in the kitchen on his stool while he served breakfast. Of course he couldn’t resist touching his wares. Sir has a wonderful touch, both with his hands and mouth, what more would a girl want?
i have had the most wonderful day with Sir.
Sir has used me in many places within his house and in many different ways. Sir has looked after me, cared for me and taken me for a walk along the seafront. Sadly the weather didn’t live up to my requirements but never mind!
Sir fucked me in the arse twice, once when i had my wrists tied to my ankles. i loved it. i have pleased sir so much he hasn’t punished me yet. But there is always next time. i never thought i would find anal sex so wonderful, so erotic. But i do. when i sort out my head i’ll say more!
Over the last couple of evenings i have been chatting to a Dom i met in a chat room about the deeper meanings of the D/s lifestyle. He is younger than i am, but has years of experience and a wealth of knowledge. He and i have been engaging in a deep discussion about the person i am now, what i am not happy about regarding myself now and where i need to get to. He has suggested that i record a journal about all of this, and this blog will be that journal. i am going to be creating a separate page on this blog for the record i will create and we will see how we go. i already have some thoughts on the subject of ‘who i am now’ and ‘the person i will be’ but i haven’t yet put pen to paper or whatever the online version of that it.
i see that we are beings made up of body, and minds. We are not two separate people and one affects the other. Attending to the body without considering the mind will not lead to fulfillment of any kind. The guy i have been chatting too seems keen to attend to my psychological education and well being. He is much too easy to talk to but since we are anonymous to each other there is nothing but good that can emerge as far as i can see it.
i am under no illusions about the relationship Master and i are developing. It is mainly sexual and given that sex has been pretty much absent from my life in any meaningful sense for a long time i am not going to let that worry me. i have to have fun while i am learning. But i am recognising that this isn’t just or even really about sex. i know that i am on a journey and the master i have now won’t suit me later. So dear reader, watch this space (or one near by).
Master’s request for me to dress as a maid when i see him on Friday plays into my love of dressing up. Ok so this usually means putting on a little dress or smart trousers or rarely in some kind of fancy dress garb. Yesterday as i was expecting my parcel to arrive and i didn’t want to have to retrieve it from the post office later and because i had a report to right for work i decided to work from home for the morning.
The postman arrived at around 11.30 and it was as much as i could do not to strip off in the living room and get that new outfit on. Ok so that is exactly what i did do! It is black and white and silky. It fits fine, perhaps it is a little bit big, but the smaller size would have been too small i think. The only thing is that it will look better with a good pushup black bra, and i may need to invest in a new one to get the best of effects. As i plan to wear it for much of the day i think it will be ideal. i wore it with some fishnets and some lovely black peep toed 4 inch heeled shoes i have. i couldn’t resist parading infront of the mirror i loved it so much. The skirt rests above the top of the stocking top and is pretty sexy.
i took some photos to send to master – he was very pleased with the effect. So i admit was i. So, dear blog reader (11 so far) i treat you to my first blog photo. i grant you that this wasn’t taken with the blog in mind, bit it gives some idea. You also can’t see the little head dress but you get the idea!
One of the complete revolations since i began to embrace this new world is my willingness to take instruction and even orders from my Master. This is a revolation because i am generally not someone who likes to be told what to do. i often struggle at work if told in the ‘wrong way’ to complete a task, and certainly i have never been very amenable to my husband’s instructions. But for some reason i am finding my Master’s instructions liberating.
Last night we discussed what i will wear when i visit him later this coming week. For obvious reasons it will not be practical to drive dressed as a maid at 7 in the morning. i guess in the evening you could easily be on the way to a fancy dress party but in the morning, well no. i have a very nice black and white skirt, recently purchased from M&S, which is knee length but which easily rides up when you are sitting. i will be wearing this with a new low cut white top. Underneath will be no underwear except for stockings and suspenders. The stockings will be fish net. i will be driving with my skirt around my waist and i will be wearing a butt plug. i will stop at a service area and use a dildo to make myself cum while talking to Sir on the phone. These are his instructions and I will comply with them.
This week I am preparing to meet my Master for the second time. I am to be his very own french maid. The costume is on order and should arrive Monday or Tuesday. The whole idea of being Master’s maid for the day is pretty exciting (so long as there is no real and serious housework to be done). After years of feeling I was too old to show too much of my legs, suddenly I have met someone who loves them and wants to both see and feel them. For him I wear stockings with suspenders, something I haven’t done for years; indeed I had thrown out all of my suspender belts! For him I wear sexy underwear and for him I seem prepared to do anything he wants me to do. This I find amazingly arousing, and in a way I wouldn’t have felt possible.
Master and I chat online and on the phone pretty much daily. We discuss real life stuff and we discuss our new relationship. When I am in my submissive role I am Joolz and he is Master or Sir. This suits us fine. I love the way that when we get into role the tone of his voice changes and he is able to direct and instruct me while I wish to comply. This also happens during online chats.
This week I have attended a serious meeting dressed in a very business like skirt and blouse, while underneath wearing stockings, suspenders and crutchless knickers. I was also wearing a Butt plug. Master spent the day feeling very aroused at the thought of what I was doing and on the phone later we debriefed and had a very erotic discussion and phone sex.
We have also been running though some potential role plays which I hope will come true in the coming weeks and which I can detail on here.
Over the last few weeks I have been exploring the possibility of following a new lifestyle. The lifestyle is BDSM.
This is not a new interest, indeed I have fantacised for years about being with a man who would dominate me, I have wondered about new and different approaches to sex, have thought about bondage and being restrained, I have wondered about a different erotic me who dresses differently and indeed is different.
I am a married woman. My husband is not only vanilla, but generally he has little interest in sex with me (or anyone else) for that matter. We have grown apart sexually though we have a reasonable life in other ways. I do not know what effect exploring this new way of life will have on my marriage except that I forsee some difficult decisions being required before very long. You see I have already done something since deciding that I want to move into the BDSM lifestyle and this has involved the best and most erotic sex I have had in my almost 50 year life. I have found a Master to serve and this blog will hopefully chart my journey as I progress. I am sure not all times will be good and certainly I am already battling my own concience. You might expect nothing more from me!