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Fear and Trust

This week is Sinful Sunday prompt weak, but I just don’t have anything movie related to share. So, I’ve decided to show an unseen photo and combine it with this week’s Quote Quest prompt.

Standing naked infront of a mirror. The image is black and white and was taken at a dungeon.

“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.”

― Cherise Sinclair

There’s no doubt I’ve come a long way since I started this blog. There is no way I would have posted naked photos of myself online 8 years ago. Nor would I have posted my face on this blog. But somewhere along the line I began to trust myself and my audience with images like this. The fear that I would be found and outed receded and my confidence in my own body grew.

It helped of course to be with a man who loves to photograph me at my most vulnerable. He started to show images of me on his Tumblr blog (usually without my face back then) and would put them amongst other photos of what turned him on. This was a big thing for me. Because many of those other women were slimmer or younger than me. But here Master was, telling me and the world that I was as (if not more) appealing to him as them.

Since my mastectomy my confidence has taken a knock. It might seem that I am happy with my naked body, but I do prefer my old one. However I believe it is right to show myself as I am now. To promote body positivity for people like me who are now disfigured. To show that there is life after a diagnosis of breast cancer. But mostly to show that it is still possible to be a sexual human being loved and desired.

In this photo though, I am hiding myself a little. The position of my hands and phone mean that you have to look carefully to see I only have one boob. I wonder why I took the photo in this way. I was feeling happy and proud that morning, the photo is one of several I took in March in the Hoxton Dungeon. So, there’s no reason to hide. It does give a hint though as to the way I live my life now. I could go out without a bra on, but it feels weird and I am fearful people would notice.

I want nice lingerie but it’s difficult to find, I want bras from the Knicker Fairy. But I am not sure they are suitable, so I am going to try one or more which have pockets for people to add more padding. You see, even if you can see that what’s inside the bra is false it might still make me feel good. I want to show myself with pride and to feel good in the process. Watch this space for the end results.

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TTWD

Me standing naked looking out of a window. A cathedral can be seen in the background.

“The thing is that you brought this out in me. How could I want it with anyone else” – JM Storm

One of the best ways I know of describing our kinky life is this – The Things We Do (TTWD). I first saw the phrase / abbreviation on other blogs soon after I started blogging and liked it. That’s because the things we do are unique to us just as our relationship is unique to us.

I came into the relationship with a better knowledge of sex and kink than I’d had just a couple of years before. I’ve written many times about my limited sexual experiences before the age of 50.

An education

My time with S certainly proved to be a voyage of discovery. I left that relationship thinking I knew it all, only to discover how wrong I was. More importantly the discovery that the relationship itself is vital in determining TTWD.

S was interested in power exchange, but only during play or specific scenes. He was especially keen on scenes that we acted out. He liked to tie me up and to inflict some pain. But lacked the knowledge or inclination to take it very far.

I was a keen pupil and pretty much fitted in with his desires. I didn’t yet know what I wanted or needed, though I did crave his dominance over me. Over time it became obvious that he wasn’t going to be able to give me what I needed. The sex however was great, even at the end.

Learning about myself – MPB

Master said he was looking for a play partner who was submissive. I went in to the relationship expecting just that. But as I wrote soon after, I got much much more. I learned that my need for submission was greater than I knew. And, his desire for me to be his slave was overpowering.

Whereas with S, bondage, humiliation and degradation had been paramount. With Master, the power exchange was most obvious. Next was play. This was play in the context of his power over me. Together we explored restraint, exhibitionism, pain and pleasure in a way that was completely different to my previous experiences. Different, not because everything was new but because the context was different.

Over time Master brought out feelings about myself and TTWD that I hadn’t imagined, not even while reading erotic fiction. Sometimes this was scary, but in the main it released me from the constraints of my previous life.

This is our relationship and I need no other

Over 6 years have passed since Master and I got together. If you’d told me then that this would likely be long lasting and all we’d both want, I would have laughed in your face. But this is how it is. He is the man I needed all along and all I need now. Some of TTWD have changed over time. For example most of our play takes place outside of our home even though we have the equipment. Our sex life ebbs and flows, due to libido, need, time of the year etc. Since we live together our sex and play isn’t concentrated into weekends and holidays.

My submission might appear less overt than originally, though of course my collar is a constant reminder to me, us and others. Sometimes I worry it isn’t enough, though deep down I’m pretty sure it is. I am enough. He is enough and TTWD is enough.

Click below to see who else is joining in with Quote Quest and Every Damn Day in June.

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Endings and Beginnings

“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.” – Louis L’Amour

What a fabulous idea for a meme. The lovely LSB has launched Quote Quest and this is the very first quote.

Endings

I guess the trouble with endings is that you can’t always work out when something is finished or ended. Take relationships. It’s only in looking back that I can measure (approximately) when I knew my marriage was over. There are several contenders. You see, I’d been going through the motions for years but there was a day when I decided that there had to be more to life. The first time I met S and decided to embark on a relationship with him. The day that my ex found out about S. More likely the day S had finished with me and I didn’t beg my husband to take me back.

2018 was a massive year of endings. I helped my mum move into a more suitable home, packed up my own belongings and moved in with Master. I resigned my job and left that then developed breast cancer, which felt at the time an ending to my life as an attractive woman.

Beginnings

But actually all those endings brought with them beginnings. My mum’s move has helped develop and nurture my relationship with the elder of my two brothers. We have to work together to keep her safe and we have to speak to each other to prevent her playing us off against each other.

I’ve been back to the house I lived in for 27 years and it is no longer home. I have no feelings about it and now look on Masters house as home. That did take a long time, probably 18 months. I felt I was a visiter, but now we’ve begun to decorate and buy new things that are ours I feel more secure.

The house move and the injection of cash that went with it meant I could stop working. I’m conscious I have some dependency on Master but am learning to park that in a very tiny corner of my brain. My money is invested and I have an income. Plus, I also have my apartment in France. So, there really is very little for me to worry about on that score. Not working opened up some amazing opportunities. So in the past two years I’ve had time to go to galleries and museums. To attend concerts and learn about classical music. I’ve travelled extensively and last year for the first time ever was away from home on holiday for 5 straight weeks. The best part of not working though is not feeling tired and stressed all the time. Indeed, I didn’t know I was tired until I wasn’t any more.

This year has been weird. But the enforced time at home has brought with it some silver linings. I have plants in pots and I have my tomato plants. Plus, I have plans for growing more things. I’ve almost finished my cross stitch that has taken 5 years and I have a new one that I’m determined to complete in a fraction of the time. I’ve stepped up my French online lessons and am on the lookout for resources to help with my comprehension of spoken French. I am hopeful of the opportunity to practice in real life by September.

Taking a negative and making it into a positive

I can’t pretend that I haven’t struggled these past months. We should be in Spain right now. My weight hasn’t increased but I’ve lost the momentum for weight loss. The surgery I thought I’d have at this autumn is now a distant hope. In fact I am wondering if it would be worth the effort. Breast reconstruction is big stuff. The surgery lasts at least 8 hours and the recovery is long.

I’ve grown used to my body as it is. I’d rather have two boobs but it isn’t the end of the world. I have my health and my partner loves me as I am.

I’m looking forward to a future when we aren’t all fearful of stepping outside the door. I want to eat in a restaurant again and stay in a hotel. Coronavirus is something I will be very glad to see the back of. But as I said at the beginning we probably won’t know when we are living normally again until we are. I’m pretty sure it will happen and I know we’ll look back on this year and hopefully embrace the beginnings it allows us to have.

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The collar is never off

Two new memes started this week. Quote Quest run by Little Switch Bitch (I plan to write for that in my next post) and No True Way, run by Lillith Avir. The first prompt for Lillith’s meme is: Whether worn or not, the collar is never off.

Master gave me my collar in July 2015. Before that I had worn a chunky chained bracelet with a lock as well as various leather collars during play. The symbolism of this collar, made of titanium and locked in place by means of a tiny screw felt different. But not just because you need a screwdriver to be able to take it off.

What the collar signifies

First and foremost it means ownership. His of me. It tells me and others that I am his. That I have committed myself to him. I like to wear it and have rarely removed it except for medical stuff. It doesn’t set the alarms off at the airport, much to the surprise and disappointment of border staff.

At events and munches it prevents people making a move on me (though I’m not clear they would anyway). So, it gives me a sense of security, but also pride. I wouldn’t be wearing his collar if I wasn’t proud to do so.

The collar is never off

My collar is a symbol of something that I don’t actually need a collar to know. You see, whether I actually have it around my neck or not, I’m still his owned property. I like to feel it there, a cool presence, but I don’t need it to be there.

I know that I am Master’s slave, his slut. I know what his expectations of me are and I know how to please him. There is no need to be wearing a physical symbol to know those things. But I’ve struggled with my submission a little more than usual recently and I’ve found the collar has helped.

When I’m not wearing it I miss it. From September 2018 to February 2019 I couldn’t wear my collar as much as I’d like. Just at a time when to be honest I needed the safety and security of it being there. But that was partly because the reason for removing it was medical stuff. Scans, surgery and then radiotherapy. Putting it back on in February 2019 was a joy.

It feels like I’ve contradicted myself in this post

Which of course I have. I really don’t need a collar to tell me I am Master’s slave and property. But I like the reassurance of it being there. It gives me reassurance and affirms everything I already know. In truth the collar is never really off but I actually don’t want to physically do so.

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Encouraging growth

This photo was taken a few weeks ago when my tomato plants were tiny. They are probably 5 times the size now and just about to flower. I know a lot of us are struggling with inspiration and purpose right now.

12 or more weeks into lock down we wonder what the point is. How can our little part of the universe matter when disease, prejudice and hate prevails. The world as we knew it has changed. The status quo is gone.

But maybe out of this mess and chaos we can rebuild. Like the tomato plants we can grow a new, a fresh.

The sex blogging community has changed beyond recognition. We have been angry and we have mourned. But I think now is time to move into a new period. One of growth.

I think this is what I need to concentrate on now. Helping us (and of course me) to remove and to grow. Join me to encourage growth in those around us. Start by clicking on the lips below and going to at least one other blogger’s Sinful Sunday post. Show them you care, promote their work and lets rise up again.

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On the stairs

This is the first in a series of posts over the coming days and weeks. I plan to use some older images to participate in the Scavenger Hunt. (The photography meme is now owned and run by Sub bee). It will give me the chance to revisit some fun times and to show off my body a bit more.

This photo was taken on one of our first holidays together in Spain (2015). The weather during that easter break was amazing. Going out without underwear was a newish thing and I embraced it as you can see. And, it wasn’t until I suffered a bought of chafing towards the end of the holiday that I wore any at all.

Master took this photo as we walked down from our apartment in Seville.

Me standing on the stairs of our apartment in Seville. I have my dress pulled up over my boobs. I am naked under my dress.
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Washing and Grooming

This last fortnight’s Kink of the Week topic has been washing and grooming. I’ve always found being in the bath or shower together to be a very intimate experience. We take a bath together reasonably often, but this usually involves sitting at opposite ends. During those times we tend to soak, relax and chat. Sometimes with wine or something sparkling. Other times it will be a way to sooth aching muscles, like when we have been doing something strenuous like decorating. Our shower cubicle is small, so we don’t tend to get in there together. But there have been some occasions when we’ve stayed in hotel rooms with amazing bathrooms. Or even rooms with bathtubs in the room, then things can be a little different. There have also been times when Master has shaved me. Memorable hotel rooms and bathrooms

Memorable hotel rooms and bathrooms

In 2014, towards the end of our first year together Master took me to Amsterdam for the weekend. We stayed in a hotel with amazing themed rooms. Ours contained a huge jacuzzi bath, steam room and sauna. There was also the hugest bed I’ve ever seen. As you can imagine, we made some fabulous memories there. Plus we even found time to get out and about.

Having the space to be naked, not just for sex or play really was fabulous. This was a restorative break as my dad had recently died. I loved that we could shower together, including washing each other. Also that we could sit in the sauna and spend time in the jacuzzi. That set a precedent for some of what has come since.

We’ve only once since had a room with a bath that wasn’t in a separate room and that was also in Holland. But we’ve stayed in some wonderful places and enjoyed beautiful bathrooms.

Grooming

Unlike many Dominants Master is a lover of pubic hair on his girl. Early on he required that I keep myself groomed so that there was a landing strip for him to use. It would be safe to say that I’ve been better at complying with this in the past rather than now. However, from time to time he decides he wants to shave me. I usually use a depilatory cream, but he prefers the shave. This Sinful Sunday image is from just such an occasion.

There is something extremely intimate, and also for me, submissive to him doing this to me, his property. I do believe that shave led on to sex and other activities!

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Navigating the new normal

It feels like time to call our current situation the new normal. After all this is probably how our life will be for a while. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it, nor how angry everyone is about our current world.

It isn’t that anything has specifically changed. Ok, so we didn’t have a Covid pandemic before and hadn’t been locked in our houses for months. But the racism, homophobia, transphobia and everything else existed before. Maybe though, the pandemic is helping people find a way to shout out about what they believe in. It is sad though that people have had to be persecuted and to die for these causes. It is a tragedy that we live in a world of casual bigotry and that the voices of the few are given so much more space than the many. I know I’ve been quiet on these matters, but now I need to find me a new normal.

Focusing on the issues

Transphobia

Last week I listened to one of @annestaggwrites daily podcasts. I try to listen when I can. This one covered J.K Rowlings recent transphobic utterings and subsequent announcement about having been abused. Anne described and explained ‘peak white feminism’, that women like Rowlings centre themselves around an issue to the exclusion of all others. It struck a nerve because when I had read some of what Rowlings had said I actually ignored the trans bit and focused down on the idea that only people who menstruate are women. After listening to Anne it dawned on me that I had done exactly what she describes. Centred myself as the wronged when I am in such a place of privilege.

I’ve been trying to read and listen to and about more LGBTQ voices. In particular to those that relate to gender and transphobia. I know I still have a long way to go and accept I that being a white middle aged woman who is financially secure and in a healthy relationship means I have many more privileges than most.

Inequality

I think it is often difficult to see the bigger picture when we feel personally affronted. It’s easy to say “why should black lives matter?” After all, everyone’s life should matter. And that is right. But I’ve known for a very long time that some people’s lives matter more than others. In the early 80’s I was introduced to the Black report. Published in 1980 it highlighted that inequalities in health had widened since the start of the NHS in 1948 rather than narrowed. Those living in poverty often had low level jobs, poor diets and housing conditions. Their life chances were limited and they were more likely to die younger. Families were stuck in a cycle of poor education, poor jobs and poor health. That report was suppressed and subsequent reviews of poverty and inequalities have not been acted upon.

Black Lives Matter

Since 1980 there have been numerous reports about various aspects of inequality. One of the most recent by David Lammy relating to Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) individuals in the criminal justice system. It highlights that people from those communities are more likely to live in poverty, to have done less well at school, less likely to have been to school, and disproportionately more likely to have been to prison.

It is pretty likely that if the Black Report were published today the outcomes would be the same, but more of the individuals would be from a black or ethnic minority background. Issues of inequality are one thing of course, but blatant discrimination goes that one step further. I suspect many of the white men protesting in London this weekend consider themselves to be the oppressed and discriminated against. They fail to see that just being a person of colour disadvantages an individual before you take any other issue into account.

Listening to every voice – The new norma

It would be so nice if everyone’s voice could be heard equally. Sadly that isn’t the case. If you have to preface an apology with the word ‘but’ then you clearly aren’t listening. I am proud of my fellow bloggers such as Quinn Rhodes and know ze is finding it difficult to be one of the few trans voices. I know too that ze needs us CIS people to be more open about our support. As a white, heterosexual sex blogger I’m going to try to do just that. But also to listen, to hear and to learn. Everyone’s voice is worth listening to, but only if you are willing to listen, hear and learn in return.

This must be our new normal.

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Revising my goals for 2020

Well this year has turned out a little different than expected. When I posted my goals for the year on 31st December and 1st January none of us knew what was in store for us. But since the only certainty right now is not knowing how long things will be different it’s time to review and revise those goals.

Goal 1 was about planning

For the first 3 months of the year I was really diligent about planning, reviewing and keeping up with my achievements. I love my planner and am now glad I didn’t buy one with pre-printed dates. When gradually your appointments and plans disappear from sight, it is difficult to see the point of planning every day. At the beginning of the year I was writing for several memes each week. Now I feel unable to write for many of them and sadly Masturbation Monday has gone on hiatus.

So. It’s time to stop using the memes as my planning tool and instead think about what topics I want to write about. Then if they fit somewhere and I want to join I’ll do so. It’s a shame as the memes are great drivers of traffic.

Goal 2 was about getting fit and healthy

I was massively focused on this goal because I assumed I was going to have reconstruction surgery by the autumn. My new blog and it’s own meme was to be one of my tools. But as lockdown began I struggled to find purpose in either losing weight or in writing on the blog. For many weeks my weight plateaued. I had just received my 1 stone award – the last slimming world group before lockdown. Now though my weight is creeping up. The main culprit I know is wine. We’ve slipped back into old ways and I’ve got very bad at saying no. Our slimming groups continue, but via zoom. We all weigh ourselves at home and then send the weight to the consultant.

But there has been little incentive to make progress. Often I don’t hold myself accountable and it’s difficult for the consultant and group from afar. Plus, of course everyone is dealing with lockdown issues that are thrown at them. whether it is the loss of a job, home schooling or health worries.

This is one goal that has to stand. I want to be fit and healthy whether I have surgery or not. So, I plan to focus on putting the right things in my mouth and to losing weight. Even though I can’t go swimming I can walk and I will try to double down on better diet and exercise choices.

Goal 3 was about my new blog

Who starts a new meme and chooses a prompt about eating out just as the world’s restaurants close? Me that’s who.

I was really starting to get into my new Food, Fitness and Health blog by mid March and was writing regularly. But I can’t deny it’s been a struggle. I am now planning to devote more time to it. I have made the For the Health of it Meme monthly and hope that with some more promotion I can get things going. This month’s For the Health of it prompt is – Hopes and Fears for the future. Head over and take a look.

Goal 4 was about making improvements to the blog

This will be my main project for the coming months. I want to think about the style, to create a gallery of my photos and to improve elements such as ‘all about me’. I was thinking about trying to monetise the blog and haven’t ruled that out. But I know I am less driven than many of my smutlancer colleagues. I’m not looking for a job as such and like to write for fun.

I am however really enjoying being a smutlancer, even though I’m not doing the ‘lancing’ bit. We have a great and very supportive group of people who support, critique and make suggestions about each other’s work. Kayla and Molly are there to oversee and provide advice and guidance. But it isn’t about them telling us what we should do, instead it’s much much more of a team approach. I know that if I want to start pitching for work I have the support network around me. There’s also help with the more technical issues and our Slack channel is great for bouncing ideas off each other. It’s fabulous value for $5-50 per month. I highly recommend it.

Goal 5 was about writing more fiction

This is something I have actually achieved. Indeed at times I’ve found it easier to write fiction than about my dull life. I plan to do much more.

Goal 6 was about getting divorced

My Decree Absolute came through in April and so I have achieved that. 🙂

Goal 7 was about earning some money

I started a project for my ex employers at the beginning of the year. Sadly I’m not sure the recommendations will ever get implemented due to Covid. Plus, I’m still waiting to get paid which is a bit irritating. I’ve also discovered that the person who took my job and who I thought was a friend is great at gas lighting people. Still, you live and learn.

I have earned some money from working during the pandemic though and though it’s not much it is welcome. On balance I don’t think I’m going to worry about looking for a job or anything. Though I may change my mind when I start spending more money.