Years

There are no categories or tags beginning with Y. It occurs to me I might not be labelling posts all that well. Something perhaps to rectify. For today’s post I have decided to recap on this week through the years from 2012 until this week to see how my life has changed.

2012

This week in 2012 I was preparing to see S for the second time. The plan was for me to visit him on the south coast. For this I took a days holiday from work so we could spend time together and told my husband I was at a conference.

S was into dressing up and role play. So in advance of the trip I bought a maid’s outfit, which I’d arrive wearing. The trip took place in early May and my posts on 28th and 29th outline the plans we have put in place. The anticipation is pretty much palpable. What is also clear is that I was already up for following instructions, this was something very new for me.

2013

By April 2013 my life had somewhat changed. My ex had found out about S at the end of November and was still trying to sort his head out. On 28th April he was away. When I wrote the post I believed he was with a male friend, but that turned out to be a lie. He was already seeing his then partner. I’ve always found this deceit to be odd since he didn’t need to lie.

I was still seeing S but had also begun to join Meet Up groups and to branch out a little on my own. My confidence was growing. As I added at the end of last year, S was already pushing me away and was helping me to prepare for the future. The following week I took my first solo trip, to Florence.

2014

My relationship with S ended at the end of 2013 and by April 2014 I was seeing my now Master. My nipples and clitoral hood were pierced this week in 2014 and in this post from April 27th I describe the process and my feelings around it. I was already Master’s property and was settling into my role as his submissive. The big problem though was his possessive and very jealous slave.

Reading my post from 30th, I recognise my mood swings as being part of a time of uncertainty. Master was about to leave to visit his slave and she was anxious about the effect our relationship was having on theirs. It turned out that she was right to worry, but it would take a few more months to come to a head.

2015

Today in 2015 I wrote about ‘Gold’ for Kink of the Week. Being peed on or else peeing on another person was something new to me when I met Master. As I say in this post, from the start he watched me pee in the toilet then soon after asked me to do so in the shower. This post shows I was pretty unsure of this as a kink. I’d say it still isn’t mine but I do know that he gets a massive thrill from it. Though like a lot of things it isn’t a frequent occurence.

On 27th I wrote about ‘Letting go’, which is about my ability to let go of the day to day stresses of life when we are together. The effect letting myself drift back into my submission had such a freeing effect on me.

2016

This was the year of my first A-Z. My Y that year was Yours. I looked back to the first few weeks of our relationship and pondered my reasons for getting involved. After all he had another slave and I was meant to be secondary partner. A recognition of my neediness but also that something was obviously missing from Master’s life. Quite a poignant post.

X was for Xanadu and X rated. I really rather love the poem quoted. In the X-rated part I wrote about my impressions of Tumblr. Oh how things have changed.

2017

As is often the case I was in A-Z catch up mode this week in 2017. We were away for the weekend on 30th when I wrote about Vagismus and Weekends. I thought at the time that I might be suffering from vagismus as I was having a lot of pain, dryness and great difficulty in having PIV sex. In hindsight these were all menopause related issues and they resolved once I stopped worrying about them so much.

Soon before this post I managed to accidentally delete my blog and I have just added in the photos that got lost during that time. Many posts from early 2017 are either missing and lost or corrupt in some way. Moral is that you should get someone else to move your blog to a new host if you don’t know how to yourself. Also that you should never do anything important in blog admin while in a pub drinking wine!

2018

For Kind of the Week on 30th I wrote about Feet. It’s strange that I like my feet touched now, but in the past hated it. I also love to be bear footed and often walk around the house that way. As for the A-Z, well I was catching up Y and Z on 30th – You, Zabaglione and Zelous!

I observed that Master reads everything I write and has done from the beginning and that we are a community of bloggers. I dedicated that part of the post anyone who visits and comments. I also said I’d do my best to stay away from drama. I do need to follow my own advice.

2019

Last year on 29th April I wrote about YKINMK (Your Kink Is Not My Kink) and of course YKIOK (Your Kink Is OK). I love to write about our relationship and am only too aware that ours is unique and different from others. Recent events suggest that it isn’t just kink that we need to think of unique to ourselves. Respect is the greatest gift we can bestow on each other and I hope there will be more of that going forward.

A whistle stop tour through 8 years of my life and blog.

#AtoZChallenge 2020 Blogging from A to Z Challenge letter Y

Xeronisus

There are no categories beginning with X on my blog. So I went over to Kinkly to find a word to use and so my new category beginning with X is Xeronisus. It means a person who is unable to orgasm at all. Apparently it is a relatively common condition, more common in females. Those with the condition are unable to achieve orgasm through either masturbation or sexual intercourse.

I’m extremely pleased to say that I don’t suffer from xeronisus, though I have struggled to reach orgasm from time to time. At the moment I find it difficult without direct clitoral stimulation, preferably a vibrating toy.

Masturbation

When masturbation meant going solo I sometimes found orgasm difficult to reach. I could lie there stroking my clit for ages, insert toys into my vagina and still not come. What’s more vibrating toys sometimes couldn’t get me off either.

I found a great site called masturbation dot com which no longer seems to exist. There they had not only sexy stories but also information on how to get the most from masturbation. There I discovered more about my anatomy in relation to orgasms than I had learnt elsewhere. Subsequently I found my G spot, something of a revelation. Clitoral orgasms are my favourite still but I do love a G spot one and Master is pretty good at locating it with his cock.

Interestingly, Kinkly suggests that exploring your body or doing so with your partner is a way to help overcome xeronisus. As is increasing foreplay. This may be part of the reason I struggled while married.

Foreplay

My ex wasn’t big on foreplay. I’ve written before that he though it involved little more than a quick grope of the tits. What’s more he was in favour of getting his satisfaction and couldn’t understand why I hadn’t already come when he had. I learned to satisfy myself, but had to actually learn how to do that. I came to it all late too.

Master loves foreplay. In fact there may not even be sex at the end. He loves to give me pleasure and to take it for himself. He also likes me to orgasm and to do so a lot.

Orgasm Control

I wrote last year about Master’s control of my orgasms. After 6 years it is part of my normal life. He has never said I can’t masturbate but I must ask permission to orgasm and to thank him afterwards. When I lived alone (or semi alone) he would often give free rein to come. I used to thank him straight after even if he wasn’t there. Now we live together I don’t masturbate alone.

For some unknown reason I have stopped being able to come on demand. Something that used to happen with ease. I have a hunch the tablets I take to reduce oestrogen levels in my body are the cause, but can’t be sure. Master therefore uses our wand to force them out of me.

Receptive to Change

Over the years I and we have had to change in order to get the best from our relationship and sex life. That includes orgasms and masturbation. I’ve become a much more sexual person over time. Reading erotica and books about power exchange relationships made me want to masturbate and orgasm. The discovery that I knew my own body less than I imagined was a bit of a wake up. Finding out that things that got me off suddenly didn’t have been scary. But I and we have found our way around them and no doubt there will be more learning to come as both our bodies age.

I’ve never experienced xeronisus and hope I never do. But finding the word has made me think about how wonderful orgasms are and how they have changed for me over time.

I’d never be a cougar

A cougar (animal)

The only three categories beginning with W are Women’s rights, Work and Wicked Wednesday. Guess which one this post will be categorised under for the 110th time. This week’s Wicked Wednesday prompt is Cougar. Definition: Large American cat (see above) or an older woman seeking a sexual relationship with a younger man. In this post I’m going to tell you why I am not and probably never will be a cougar.

All my men have been older

My ex is over 4.5 years older than me. I was most pleased when he asked me out because it was definitely a thing to have an older boyfriend. I was almost 16 and he was 20. Each year the gap widened slightly when he had his birthday in October and I caught up again the following August. Around that time we might have had about the same mental age and it suited us. We had lots of fun and were only grown ups at work (once I did so).

Later when chatting to men online I tried to avoid those that were young, preferring men of my own age or older. When I started meeting men I’d met online they were also older than me.

Young men online

There are lots of young men in chat rooms that seek out an older woman. No doubt the reverse is true, but I’ve never done it. They tell you they love older women, they want to learn from you and think you and other older women are sexy. I’d chat with some of them, but drew the line at anyone the same age or younger than my son. Nowadays they’d have to be over 30 for me to even pass the time of day! However I never wanted to meet any.

They may have been attractive, and I can’t say I mightn’t have fancied them in some way. Liked them even. But I don’t find a much younger man a turn on. It’s the same with women. I find many women attractive and sometimes have an attraction especially when described in erotic fiction. But I know I don’t want to have sex with a woman. It’s just me and I actually wish I did since it’s one of Master’s fantasies.

What about when I am old?

I’m not expecting to go looking for a man again, instead I hope to grow old with the man I have. But I guess there is a chance that when I’m 75 I might want sex with a 60 year old or something. However I wouldn’t imagine a 60 year old wanting a cougar. I guess only time will tell!

This post was my first Wicked Wednesday in 2016.

#AtoZChallenge 2020 Blogging from A to Z Challenge letter W
Wicked Wednesday

Used and Vanilla Family Life

I’m behind with the Blogging A-Z but determined to catch up and finish. So, I’m covering another two topics today. These are really polar opposites to each other. There are just two categories on my blog beginning with U, the other being Underwear. Vanilla Family Life is the only one beginning with V.

Used

This category denotes the times I am and have been used for Master’s pleasure. He’ll say “I need to warm myself up inside you” For example. Or will instruct me to kneel and suck his cock. Instructions and commands actually turn me on. I like to be used and to be of service to him. It puts me in to my submissive state and reaffirms that I am his slave.

Our libido has been low this past few weeks. So the times I have been used sexually have reduced. There are also days when we both have things we want or need to do. But I always know that he can decided this is the moment, at any time. Our sex usually takes place in the morning, this is the best time for him. If we have sex at night it’s usually because we’ve both had a drink or 5. At those times I really am at my most submissive, but memories tend to be hazy the next day. So, mornings are best for sexual use.

Vanilla Family Life

There have been times during the life of this blog that I have had nothing sexy or kinky I’ve wanted to talk about. Times when I’ve needed to concentrate on family more than I’d probably like. Other times there have been family events – weddings, Christmas etc, that I’ve talked about on here.

I made a decision at the beginning of the blog that I would write about anything that took my fancy. That I’d use it as a kind of journal. So that means you get a variety of information out of me. I find it useful to write about different things and then later to be able to look back and see what I had to say. No doubt this category, though not used very frequently will continue to be a feature.

In the dungeon

This is another of the photos taken when we stayed at the Hoxton Dungeon in March. It hardly seems possible that March was still only last month. April certainly seems to have been the longest month in living memory. Anyway, this provides a view from a fun over night stay. A wonderful session of impact play and restraint (of the bondage variety).

I am leaning over a bench in a dungeon. I have a strap around my waist. you can see some of the other equipment in the room.

Sex

A theme running through this whole blog is sex. The whole purpose of starting the blog in the first place was to catalogue my journey in both sex and submission. Back in 2012 I had only had intercourse with one man and had never experienced anal sex. I masturbated a lot, but was rarely satisfied. This seems to be something others observe when in unfulfilling relationships.

To begin with there was so much to write about, as I experienced new sensations, physically and emotionally. Later when I met Master I went through them again, and more. I tend not to write in detail about my own sex life any more. Not because there is nothing to write, but because we tend to do the same things. It’s not dull at the time, but would be if I described it. So, instead I’ve started to explore fiction. To take real events, often from my blog and turn them into stories. I plan to do more of that in the future.

Total Power Exchange (TPE) and Sex

Our relationship is classed as a power exchange. I have agreed that he should have total power over me in many areas of my life. I find this means that I have less to worry and concern myself with and that I can leave many decisions to him. When it comes to our sex life this really suits me. I am rubbish at saying what I like and want. I just want someone else to make the decisions, use me and make me to what they want. This isn’t something I knew back at the beginning of this blog. But it has certainly turned out that way.

It is in the bedroom or playroom that I am at my most submissive (as you would imagine). That is where I can leave Julie behind and just be his bitch. He is pretty creative and likes to keep a running commentary going. At the time I often think that this would make a great blog post, but then later can’t remember everything that was said. Maybe I should record it some time!

To be made to kneel and suck his cock when I’ve been thinking about other things helps me get into the right head space. I rarely say no to him. It isn’t that I am the most obedient slave but I tend to be compliant in certain circumstances. When it comes to sex and foreplay as well as the opportunity for bondage and impact play then I most definitely am.

My sex life now is completely different to how it used to be. We are old(wish) and don’t have loads of sex. But when we do it is kinky and very good. Long may it continue.

#AtoZChallenge 2020 Blogging from A to Z Challenge letter S
#AtoZChallenge 2020 Blogging from A to Z Challenge letter T

Relationships

How apt to reach this stage right now. My relationships feature prominently on this blog and have since the beginning. A thread from the beginning was my relationship with my then husband. Over a long period of time I sought to work out how I felt about him and how to manage the fallout from my decisions. Yesterday that period of my life drew to a close. I am divorced.

Feelings about the divorce

I waited a long time for this day and feel somewhat relieved. True to form I left starting proceedings until I was sure he was ready. But of course, it was also about me. I have also taken the promises we made to each other seriously. But to be frank he really didn’t. Yes, he loved and cared for me, but there was little honour from the beginning. His lies and deceit occurred early on. I don’t regret waiting to divorce and am now free to commit myself to Master.

Our relationship

My blog traces my relationship with Master from the beginning. I mention him first on the day we met. We’d been chatting online for a few days and meeting up seemed natural. There was something there between us from that day and I have no regrets that I took that path. We’ve wondered if we might have met sooner and then could have been together for longer. But I’m not sure that would have worked. I have changed over the years and am more receptive to the type of life we have together than I might have been at say 30.

Family relationships

When I started the blog my son was 21 and away on a year abroad in the US. Having been close during his childhood things became rocky when he realised my relationship with his dad was failing. Especially when Master came on the scene. With S, I’d been secretive and (to my knowledge) he doesn’t know about that. With Master though I was open. My husband was by then spending long periods of time away from us, a visitor rather than someone who lived at home. But another man in the house was more than my son could tolerate.

Thankfully he and I have talked this through and are now close again. It was my son who told me a couple of years ago I should be getting divorced. I was amused that he seemed to have taken a parent type view of it so soon. Anyway, I am divorced and my son is happy if I decide to marry.

Back in 2014 my dad, who’d had cancer for a couple of years, died. I’ve used the blog to explore my feelings around death and dying as well as the challenges of managing my mum in the aftermath.

Blogging / community relationships

It is debatable whether this is a good place to write about relationships with other bloggers as I have done recently. But it is in my nature to do so. This is my place to write and I tend to write about what is on my mind. Often that is about my sexual or kink related feelings, but sometimes not. It’s difficult to feel sexy when you are surrounded by anger and hurt. My words have upset people and I’ve lost people I thought were friends.

But many of the people I’ve come to admire and to like in the sex blogging community aren’t really known to me. We can all discard people we have never or barely met in person. However some of the people who are part of this community are people I have met and know well. I feel a sense of loyalty to those people and don’t have to justify why I trust them. However I do hope bridges can be rebuilt in the future. If they are, I’ll be sure to write about it here.

Lockdown

A globe with a door superimposed on it. There is a padlock on the door. A message reads lockdown.

For the last month we and much of the world has been in a state of lockdown. Of course countries like Italy and Spain were already a few weeks in when we joined this phenomena. For us, we are to stay home unless going out is essential. That means those people whose jobs that can’t be done at home, shopping for food and other essentials and a daily walk. Those who have underlying health problems or who are elderly have been told not to go out at all where possible.

How lockdown has affected our daily lives

We spent much of the winter at home. Even our regular trips to the theatre and for music concerts had been minimal. It wasn’t that we couldn’t go out it’s just there weren’t many things we wanted to go to. As spring approached we had lots of things lined up. As mentioned before we were in London for Eroticon even though that was cancelled. We had a marvellous time, partly because we sensed this was something of a last hoorah. We were due to fly to Budapest for Master’s birthday then to France for Easter.

To begin with we just went with the flow. After all what could we do. We tended to make our shopping trips a bit more comprehensive so we didn’t need to go back too frequently. But we do like different things from different shops. We soon discovered that small and local businesses are useful for making sure we are stocked up. Most supermarkets now restrict the number of people going in so prefer individuals rather than two adults. So this has changed our behaviour too.

Luckily the weather has been pretty good so far. We’ve taken regular walks and have been sitting outside to have lunch or an afternoon drink. But otherwise we have been out little. Well he hasn’t, I’ve been to my mums.

Caring for my mum

My brother is mum’s main carer, but he is a supermarket manager. He is understandably nervous about calling round because he is in contact with the public daily. But we do need to visit regularly as she can’t really go out right now (she is 80) and anyway she can’t walk well. Usually she would go out daily on her scooter and buy one or two things just so she sees people. This has now stopped. The cleaning agency withdrew in the first week of lockdown and she isn’t able to clean. Though is able to look after her own hygiene needs and cook.

I took the decision early on that I would continue to visit for as long as I can. Mainly to support my brother. I have another brother who has decided this isn’t an option. I’ve tried to tell him it is classed as an essential journey, but he isn’t interested. Last time I visited she fell in the toilet. Which immediately made that trip worthwhile.

A good thing is that she is nicer to both of us right now. She needs us and is grateful. I’m not sure how long that will last.

Back to work

I’ve mentioned before on the blog that I will be returning to nursing. The process to make that happen has been a little slower than expected. But it is now in hand. I’m starting to do training to refresh my skills. I haven’t done any front line nursing for 20 years. I can assure you though that most of my knowledge is still there. It’s just taking account of new policies and evidence and losing some rustiness. I won’t be in hospital but visiting people at home. Plus, I already have PPE ready to use.

When will it end?

Already this lockdown feels never ending . It’s been 4 weeks and we have at least another 2. But even then life won’t be normal. We are lucky in that we have no jobs to lose. Indeed as I’ve said I’ll be earning a small wage. Money for us is in savings and that has taken something of a dent. But we don’t need to worry. However I am worried that the shops, restaurants and other places we go won’t survive. I’m worried that people’s furloughs will become permanent. I long to be able to stay in a hotel or visit a stately home. Even just go to the pub.

Sex and kink

Our libido is rock bottom. We haven’t had a lot of sex, I do hope we’ll both perk up soon. I’m sad that the munches and clubs we go to are closed and look forward to when we can do that again.

It feels that there is little we can do but ride this thing out. Keep communicating our feelings and to do what feels right.

This whole thing feels weird. We’re living in a world where nothing is as it was. We don’t like it, but there is nothing we can do about it.

Question memes

Back in 2012 and 2013 there were great periods of time when I had little to write about. Having embarked upon an illicit affair with someone living 100 miles away, we weren’t able to see each other often. So, in the absence of excitement in my life and to avoid dull writing I joined in with various question memes.

The first question meme was 30 days of submission which I tackled in August 2012 and then revisited in 2014 when with Master. By then my knowledge of my own submission had grown. I had a greater insight into my own needs. But also the difference in this relationship was evident. Communication between Master and I was always better. He expected me to communicate in a way that S grew tired of. Also of note is that I wrote those answers in the third person. I recommend these questions to anyone new to submission or to a D/s relationship.

The second set of questions was 30 days about me which I wrote in 2013. Like most of these things, it starts out as a great idea but becomes something of a bind in the end. Which is why I ended up bundling questions together in one post.

30 days of Kink date back to 2017. Many of the answers are again joined in one post. This is because the questions are often quite repetitive. Or at least I was repetitive in my answers.

Finally, something I started but haven’t finished (though I do intend to) is the Loving BDSM 30 days of D/s. I seem to have got to day 12. You can find my posts here.

Q

Psychology

I have 3 general categories for posts that are about me and how I tick, or a specifically about the more internal aspects of our dynamic. The psychology of me, of D/s and M/s. Posts in the D/s category are mainly from my time with Steve and the first few months with Master. Usually those posts are also labelled more specific to their topic. Over the years these categories have been useful when I’ve written things that seem random.

This blog has been a great place for me to write what I think and feel at a given time. I don’t keep a separate diary or journal and the only notes are make are planning ones. Often I don’t know what I’m going to write about until I sit down and do it. Sometimes I start off with a plan for one topic and it leads to something else. That’s the way my mind seems to work.

There’s no doubt that a power exchange dynamic produces thoughts and feelings that are strange. Why do I want to be dominated? Why am I willing to submit? How on earth did he manage to make me orgasm when I was sure I wouldn’t? Just a few of the questions I’ve asked myself and explored on this blog.

Over the past 8 years (my blogaversary is tomorrow) I’ve written over 1800 posts. This was the first one. Back then I knew virtually nothing about submission and dominance and less about BDSM and kink. But I was ready to learn and keep to please. This blog has been the perfect receptacle for my thoughts, many of them random.

By looking back over time, I can see how I’ve changed as a person and how much I’ve learned. But also that there is more learning to be done. More delving into my own psyche. Wondering about the psychology of me and my relationships.

Stuff has happened this last week that has rocked me. I’ve never been so affected by something that really didn’t concern me. I’ve lost friends over this issue. That’s something I’m sad about and will write about soon. Indeed I’m no longer sure which memes I can and should write about. Or where I’m welcome. Only time will tell.

P