From the darkness to the light

Photo by Guillaume Bleyer on Unsplash

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

Brene Brown

There are so many ways that starting this blog has helped me explore myself more closely and see the positives from some very negative situations. I think that’s why I am clear that whatever I do in the future, I won’t give it up.

Over the past eight years there have been some dark days. Ones where I have struggled to understand how I got to that place. I’m the kind of person who loves to plan, but then who is disappointed by the outcome. I like to organise and to please. Trouble is, that in the end it isn’t what others wanted. Or else they aren’t in a place to do the things I feel I want to. Maybe that’s why I spent so much of my life feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. And even though relationship wise things are good and positive I am still struggling in other ways.

Family

My expectations of myself seem to be much greater than the ones others have of me. This played out at the weekend when I arranged a small gathering at my mums to celebrate her birthday. One by one, family members pulled out until there were just a few of us left. As it was, the afternoon was very pleasant and may have been spoiled by more people. I had a lightbulb moment that I should stop trying to organise others. Instead I should concentrate on myself and those closest to me. In a way mum’s (and my birthday) was a good excuse to see my son and daughter in law who did turn up.

The events of the past few years have at times driven a wedge between my relationship with my only child. But things have definitely improved over the past couple of years. I think it helps that I am clearly living where and with who I am, rather than remaining in what was the family home.

My mum continues to drain my energy with her selfishness, but I am learning to keep her at arms length much more. To try not to let her get to me. The big test will come this Christmas, because I am going to have to be firm to avoid a repeat of last year.

Us

Every time I think that we are drifting away from the kink and the M/s side of things, stuff happens that changes my mind. This last weekend helped that. We have so much time together and so can easily get into a rut. A change of scenery definitely helped.

Going back to the beginning of this post though. This blog is evidence of the ways in which I and we have come through difficult times and emerged stronger than before. Learning to do what is best for us and balancing the needs of others will always be a challenge. But others aren’t rushing to do the same for me, so I think I’m heading in the right direction here. Plus we have lots of good stuff to look forward to. I’m starting to believe we will get away to France and if we have to quarantine after we return. Well so be it, we can shop online and stay home. Goodness knows we’ve done enough saying in this year already.

Birthday treats

As I mentioned in yesterday’s post, this year’s birthday provided some unexpected treats. One of the main one’s being tied to our hotel bed and used for Master’s pleasure. Read about the day and weekend here.

August: hot days and lustful nights

To be frank I’m pretty much living my best life right now (well I was before the dreaded lurgy arrived). That’s not to say I can’t look back at some fabulous halcyon days before this relationship. August has always been a good time for me, it’s my birthday don’t you know, so I deserve to be happy in August. I think the best were when my son was young and we did family stuff with my parents, brothers and their families. But in terms of love and sex on a hot August day or night, the best will be now.

August tends to be the hottest and most humid part of the year in these climbs. Though the weather itself was consistently better in April and May, but that’s unpredictable in England. Forecasters tell us we would reach the canicular over this coming weekend and certainly yesterday was scorching. Yippee because we’re currently staying at a a country hotel for the weekend and I’ve been able to lounge around naked in our room, swim in the hotel pool and sip cocktails on the lanai. This birthday signifies a turning point in the year (hopefully) because it is our first trip away since March.

When we arrived on Thursday (which was my birthday) Master removed some strapping from his bag and promptly fed the two long ends under the bed. To these he secured cuffs for ankles and wrists. He isn’t known as gadget man for nothing. Later that night, after a cool bath he secured me to the bed and both teased and aroused me. So much so that even before the wand had done it’s job of bringing me to the storm of an orgasm the juices were tricking from my cunt.

Most of our sex takes place in the mornings, something I’ve spoken about before. In August that is probably just as well, because there is nothing like writhing around the bed deluged in sweat. We waited till this morning for that. After the heat of yesterday there is a cool breeze this morning. I could feel it through the open windows (this is sadly not a place with air conditioning but it’s a big old house). We haven’t had much sex lately, we just haven’t felt like it. But as soon as he opened his eyes this morning I could tell he was in the mood and so was I. Sometimes those spontaneous quickies are as good as the long and drawn out events. This was definitely one of those. As I sit here now 3 hours later I still feel the satisfaction of lasting arousal.

Today we have a small family gathering with my brother and partner, my son and his wife and my mum. There will be food (which I’m cooking) and a pleasant time in mum’s garden. Then we’ll come back here to the hotel for our final evening before going home tomorrow.

We’ll have a final cocktail of bottle of something cool and take a stroll around the grounds. Sadly there’s no lake, but there is a beautiful herb and flower garden. we’ll take in the tranquility, then retire to our hot room where hopefully sleep and perhaps more awaits. The events of recent months have made me appreciate this time away from home all the more.

Photo from Thursday will appear later for Sinful Sunday. This post is using the big sexy words for August and is also posted for The blog days of summer.

Blog changes

I’ve been thinking of making some changes to the blog for ages and ages. But somehow haven’t quite got around to it. As another month stretches ahead of me, with little to keep me occupied, I’ve bitten the bullet and started.

The name

At the start my blog was called world of Joolz. This was the name I went under on chat sites and the name S called me throughout our relationship. Since I was trying to get away from being Julie the bored housewife etc, Joolz stuck. For a while.

When I met Master he named me His pleasing bitch. So when I made changes to my blog in 2014 that became it’s name. When I became self hosted that was the url I bought.

Today, I’ve changed the blogs name to MPB and I’m undecided about whether to change it right back. I had thought Master’s pleasing bitch was a bit of a mouthful but maybe MPB is too short.

My About Me page

I’ve completely changed my about MPB page. I’m not really on a journey any more, so it is structured in a way that I think acknowledges that. Next I have to decide how to deal with the actual ‘journey pages’. I think they are an important reference to the past 8 years so should stay in some form. But I plan to tidy them up a bit.

Organising everything

Since that fateful day in February 2018 when I accidentally deleted my blog I’ve had to rebuild much of the behind the scenes structure. (The photo above was taken the morning after). I will forever be grateful to Michael for retrieving most of the posts for me. But I had to go back and re tag and categorise everything as well as to re do the SEO.

Now, the time feels right to review some of that structure so things can be found more easily. This is going to be a bit of a chore, but it’s always fun to look back and see what you said and did at a given time.

One of the things I’m most keen to do is to organise easier access to my photos. That will be my first job after tidying the pages.

Theme and artwork

I plan to move to a magazine type theme very soon and to hopefully reveal new artwork. I’ve loved the photos at the top of the blog, but it’s time for a change.

All in all I’m pretty excited about doing all of this and am hoping it inspires my writing!

Freedom to be me

“Raise a glass to freedom, Something they can never take away.”

~ Lin-Manuel Miranda (“The Story of Tonight” from “Hamilton”)

Freedom is a concept I‘ve taken for granted all my adult life. Even when I felt at my most constrained by marriage or parenthood I always knew deep down I had choices. I worked and had something of a disposable income, though there was a time when I had immense debt. But still I worked a way out of that and managed to pay every penny back. Trouble is you don’t always recognise you have those freedoms and you certainly don’t see the restraints others exist under.

Right now I am extremely lucky. After almost 40 years of work I was able to retire two years ago on a pension that I could just about live on. However, I live with a man who is also retired and has enough put away and so we can enjoy a pleasant lifestyle. We don’t have to worry about having enough food and can shop wherever we want. Our freedoms in other ways are somewhat curtailed right now, but more of that later. But food poverty, or indeed any poverty at all aren’t something we have to worry about.

Yesterday I read this blog post by Jack Monroe (she / they). If you don’t know who Jack is go and read about her here. Struggling to house, feed and clothe her son she accidentally became a food writer and campaigner. The gist of this article is the assumption that poor people could help themselves if they bought basic good and turned them into healthy meals rather than buying convenience products. But actually it is harder to do so than you imagine. Meat, fish and vegetables aren’t necessarily cheaper to buy than items with everything put together. What if you don’t have the electricity to cook or a kitchen to call your own. What if you can’t afford a bag of potatoes and the shop doesn’t sell them as single items.

I didn’t really intend to write about Jack Monroe in this post. But I was so struck by the forcefulness of her arguments that I felt I had to include how poverty prevents freedom. This is something I can identify with because if I hadn’t had a job when I got into debt my choices may have shrunk to where Jack was and to a certain extent still is. I haven’t however forgotten the fear of not having enough money to buy the contents of my food basket.

People are quick to offer advice to others about how they can solve whatever perceived problem they have. To cry that all lives matter and that only women have a cervix (or whatever bandwagon they have jumped on this week). Listening to the voices of those who feel un seen and unheard is much harder. Instead judging others and assuming they had a choice is the flavour of the day.

2020 will go down for me as one of immense learning. I have tried hard to listen and to learn. To understand that people don’t wake up one day and announce to the world ‘I think I’ll become transgender’. Instead such decisions come after years doubt, confusion and anxiety about personal identity. A lack of freedom to express who they really are. I don’t think I even thought about that much before this year and I know I have a lot to learn too. Nor did I really consider that my personal challenges will never be the same as those of someone who is discriminated against because of the colour of their skin or because their name sounds foreign.

Master and I have struggled these past few months because some of our personal freedom has been removed from us. He is particularly fed up that no concerts are taking place, that there is no theatre or cinema to visit and that art galleries have been closed for months. His personal fulfilment comes through those channels as well as the ability to travel. He loves to go to London, see a concert, have dinner and a drink and maybe stay in a hotel. But as frustrating as that is, we still know how lucky and privileged we are. We have a comfortable home filled with books, DVDs and CDs. Plus we have Netflix, YouTube and the internet. We have indulged in nice food and wine from our own home.

We are lucky because we start from a basis of privilege. Thought that doesn’t mean we can’t complain about the things we don’t like about our life right now. However it doesn’t mean that we can’t learn about the lives of others, nor speak up when assumptions are made about those lives. If you are told it is cheaper to buy potatoes in a tin than fresh believe them. If someone tells you that they are being misgendered, being hurt by the careless words of others or that they are more oppressed than you then listen and believe them. And don’t try to make it about you.

Master with a capital M

Photo by Sara Kurfeß on Unsplash

I’m really happy about the No True Way prompt for this week, because I’ve never written about this topic before.

Dominants tend to be the “Alpha Male”, and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital, while “sub” is always lowercase.

First of all let me say I am incredibly inconsistent when it comes to the use of upper / lower case. There was a time when I always capitalised dominant, sir, master etc. There was also a time when I used a lower case I to refer to myself. I guess at the start of my submissive journey I followed what I saw others doing and what I saw written in books. But over time I decided that it would be better grammar and writing practice to capitalise properly. But to be honest it depends on my mood and what I’m writing about.

Being in a submissive mindset

Way back when I was busy discovering my submission my world view was a little romantic. I liked the idea of having my very own dominant and being his submissive. Writing about my experiences was fun and sometimes very arousing. Part of that was overplaying the dynamic a little. Referring to him as Sir or Master helped with what felt a bit like role play.

When I met my now master he wanted me to refer to myself in the third person (as I wrote here). So, it felt right to capitalise him as Sir / Master and to refer to myself as this girl (lower case). Submission felt tangible to me, I wrote about almost being able to touch it. Some days I still feel like that. But at that time we really only saw each other at weekends and during the week I’d write about it. That kept me in my space and I wrote in the third person.

Over time I wrote about other things

Not just our relationship. So gradually I wrote in the third person less and also capitalised the dominant role less. However if I wrote about us and the things we had done I often reverted. Sometimes I still do.

It occurred to me recently that though I always refer to G as Master (or master) here it’s not something I always do in real life. We live together and are partners in many ways. The power exchange is always there, an undercurrent. But isn’t always overt even to us. Calling him Master here is a habit, but also helps to protect our anonymity, even if there are photos of us both on this blog.

I’m not precious about whether I or others capitalise or not

I’m not part of the grammar police, though I prefer correct spellings. I am happy to read blogs and books where the words sir and master are capitalised, or not. I recognise my own inconsistencies and make no excuse for them. I’ll continue to do what I feel is right on any given day. After all, this is my blog and I’ll write what I want in whichever way I choose.

This post is linked to two memes. No True Way and The Blog Days of Summer. Click below to see who else is joining in.

A little pink

A wooden spoon can be used for lots of things. Making cakes, fixing stuck plugs holes and providing a pink bottom. I don’t mark easily, so Master was quick to take a photo of his handy work. I trimmed the image a little and hope it fits in with the August Sinful Sunday prompt.

Click on the lips to see who else has joined in this week. I am going to try to post more this month, a lot more. So I’m joining in with Violet’s Blog Days of Summer. Click below to find out more.

Where the power lies

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” 

~ Oscar Wilde

In this post or semi lockdown world we are struggling in many ways. Not in terms of our overall relationship, all is well there. But in terms of M/s. Most of the time I don’t feel particularly submissive or slave like and I don’t think he is feeling particularly dominant.

We have been released from the confines of our home and local area. But mostly there are few places we want to go. Theatres and music venues are clothed and they are the places that Master gets his inspiration and thrills. Reading, listening to music or theatre from the comfort of your home is ok. But it isn’t the same. We usually go into London frequently for this kind of cultural input, but there’s no point going when there is little to do there.

We can visit open spaces, but the weather last week was appalling. At the weekend we were both pretty stir crazy but lethargic at the same time. We haven’t had sex in a couple of weeks. I want to but we both lack whatever it takes to get us off.

But that doesn’t mean that we won’t get back to where we want and need to be. We’ve discussed it and are hoping that our holiday in a few weeks (supposed we manage to go) will help. Warm weather, a change of scene and the ability to feel in some way free again are what we need. We hope.

Our sex life is all about power. His over me. I know that to feel my submission these days I need us to be having sex or else I need to be bent over being spanked or hit with one of his wicked implements. This feels like a chicken and egg situation because I think that’s probably what he needs too. To feel his power, Master needs to conjure up the willpower for sex. Or perhaps I need to fall to my knees and offer to suck his cock. Whichever we are both struggling to feel like making it happen.

I’m not good at initiating sex, nor am I good at saying what I want. I am better at writing about it, knowing he will read. We’ve just spent two days apart, as I write this I am in a hotel with a view of the sea. It’s early, so I expect he is sleeping. Later though, we will be back together and I’d like to think that we will both feel his power and my submission soon.

Self doubt

needpix.com

“And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt.”

Sylvia Plaith

I never used to have anything in my draft folder. Suddenly though I do. The thing is, I have stuff to say, some of it quite profound but somehow I can’t get the words right. Or I fear I have the words wrong. Increasingly I feel silenced by self doubt.

I constantly think back to pre-lockdown times when, it seems the world was young, bright and non judgemental. Of course it was never like that, but this past few months have made it seem so.

Blogging and Twitter

The community of sex bloggers has changed, just as the world outside has changed. Rather than be kind, understanding and tolerant to difference people have become defensive and intolerant. I’ve been blocked by so many people on Twitter I can hardly keep up. People talk of a conspiracy but do so while whispering to each other in the dark. This is not a world I can inhabit. I have to speak my mind and have to stand up for people I feel and who say they have been mocked and hurt.

There are huge issues to write about. But it is difficult to do so when you have a limited amount of knowledge of the topics. All you can do is learn about the issues and support those with that knowledge. Though I’d like to write something. In particular I’d like to express that making the issue about you rather than them is no defence.

All the time though, I feel I am walking on egg shells. Will I say or write something that is misconstrued. Will I like something said by someone on a list of unsafe people? All of these things swirl in my head as I try to write.

Life

But it isn’t just twitter or the blog. The judging of others is everywhere, take the wearing of masks or going out for an evening. I have no problem wearing a mask in a shop, but do not wish to wear one while walking in the park. I see no point and I want to breath the fresh air and don’t however see I should be judged for this. We have been out for drinks and a meal at a local pub. We chose carefully, we know the staff and are happy with the way things are managed. It’s table service and no one is getting close to anyone, but please don’t judge me for choosing to go there.

Next week I am taking my mum away to a hotel for a couple of days. She has become housebound over the months because it was unsafe to go out and there was no where to take her. She has brittle bones and needs to get out in the sun light. But going to a hotel feels to many like a risk too far. She asked to go but is now filled with her own self doubts. Will she manage to navigate the hotel, what should she take to wear etc.

Health

We have been thinking about my breast cancer recently and what would have happened if I had discovered my lump during this pandemic. As it was I prioritised work and moving house over seeing the doctor. How would I have managed attending appointments and even having surgery without the support of Master? It doesn’t bear thinking about. But what is clear to me is that I have over come cancer and so refuse to give in to worry. I want to and have to live my life in the way I see fit. That doesn’t mean taking unnecessary risks but it doesn’t mean hiding away either.

The way forward through writing

At the beginning I just wrote what I wanted, about what I wanted. I need to get back to that again. Some of the self doubt I had about this is moving away. I recognise that I have written about many topics a lot. I don’t plan to keep doing that. Instead I’m going to signpost my existing writing more effectively. Time has been spent learning about topics I knew little about. But there are also things I know quite a bit about and I need to express them here. There is knowledge to impart and education to provide. Plus of course I have an opinion on many things.

I also see that much of the feelings I’ve been expressing are associated with it being summer. Also, though because I’ve been in mourning. For lost friends (not literally), for a life put on hold during these long months.

Unusually we are off on holiday in September. I fancy that even though we’ll be away there will be more to write about. Anyway I can write about anything I choose. Just because this is a sex blog doesn’t mean I have to write about sex. But then I might.

Back

Yes, this is a picture of my back, and bottom etc. I’m not sure when it was taken but I quite like the shape of my body in the image.

I’ve been reflecting this week on my blogging future and have found that just by writing about what is troubling me, I feel more positive. It’s weird, because that’s the advice I’d give to anyone when faced with an issue. Talk (or in this case write) about it.

I didn’t actually go anywhere and have no intention of doing so. But I do feel like the real me is back. I have some plans for the blog and that will involve a redesign and change of emphasis. It will also probably mean I’ll write less new stuff for a while. Because it is actually impossible to write, read, make changes and think all at the same time. I know because I’ve tried and it made me particularly unproductive!

I have no intention of changing one thing though: I plan to keep sharing my photos and participating in memes like Sinful Sunday. Click the lips to see who else is linked up this week.