Sharing my secrets

The main reason I come here to write, to blog was to find a place to articulate my inner thoughts and feelings. I do this for myself, so that I can say things that can’t be said out loud or to test out how I feel. A brilliant by product is that people stop by, and sometimes they tell me their thoughts on what I have said.

It is generally more difficult to speak about things that are essentially secret to people in real life. One of hubby’s biggest gripes with me is that he feels I keep secrets from him. Of course I do. Since this side of my life doesn’t include him, what is more I don’t want it to. This is about me and it is about me and Sir. Increasingly he asks me questions about the relationship with Sir. But I don’t want him to know or to share that relationship with him.  I know that people who are married should share and not have secrets, but the way we are heading I am not sure we will be married for ever.

One of the reasons we find ourselves in this situation is because of our inability to communicate with each other about important things over the years. This has led to both of us bottling up our thoughts and feelings and this is definitely unhealthy. This blog and the people I have met through my exploration of this different dynamic (D/s), have led me to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. Some of those people, of course I don’t know in real life, but some I do. I would even go as far as to say that I have had more, and deeper conversations with Sir over this past year than I have with hubby in many years of marriage.  I guess that has something to do with the nature of what we do together and perhaps also because we met each other later in life. We also met at a time when we had a need for each other and needed to find another person to open up to.

Suddenly though I feel able to open up more to others, people who I have known for longer. Today I had lunch with a work colleague who I get on really well with and who I knew would be a good confident, someone else I have the potential to become food friends with (given that, as I said the other day, that I have few actual friends). While I told her nothing of the D/s side of things I did tell her about what has happened with hubby and me. I articulated my feelings in a way that I might have been unable to in the past. What was interesting to me was that she confirmed what I know, which is that even considering all that I am going through (with work and home issues) I seem to be happier than she remembers me being in a long time. That is because I am and I think that is because this whole thing is about me and for the first time I am discovering what makes me happy!

My hometown

Which hometown are we talking about here? The place i was born? The place i grew up, or the place i live now?  Since they are close enough together and none are all that exciting, there is probably space to mention all 3.

i was born in a town within what they now call Greater London, i think this means that it is an urban place that is on the outskirts, a place where red London buses roam, but which was once part of an English County (Middlesex in this case). I don’t remember much about the actual house or street as we left when i was 4, but I do remember the general area. We only moved about about 4 or 5 miles from that house so i remember the shops, the fact we were close to our grandparents and that there was a park nearby. i don’t remember it being the busy urban sprawl it definitely is, but then I was young and  nothing  was as busy as it is now 50 years ago.
We moved to a quieter place, within what is called the ‘home counties’. (Green and pleasant places close to London). We lived in a street with houses on each side of the road, which had little traffic especially during the day. School was at the end of our street and the only people driving to school were the headmaster and one or 2 teachers. Everyone walked to school and we all played out afterwards in the street. i remember playing hopscotch, riding our bikes and i remember the boys playing football. Hubby lived over the road from me, moving in when i was about 8. Secondary school for me was just under 3 miles away (this was important when local councils decided if we got free buses to school or not; i didn’t). My parents chose the better, rather than closer school. I have always been grateful for this since it has made it easier to achieve my ambition to become a nurse at a school of nursing in London. Generally i walked that 3 miles or so to school because i wanted the money provided for fares for other things. The town we grew up in had, what seemed like, a good shopping centre and it had 2 cinemas. Other than that there was little to do. My best friend and i had little trouble with this, since we strolled the streets or went to each others houses. On Monday nights we went to a local disco for teenagers. i guess our expectations were limited!

i started going out with hubby when i was 15; he was 19. He took me to London for the day on my first proper date with him. He belonged to a church group and through that we went on quite a few trips out and about. Later we and our wide circle of friends had an active social life, parties, visits to pubs and days out. When i was 18 i left my home town for the bright lights and cockroach filled nursing accommodation of London. I never lived at home again (though i was frequently home for days off or holidays), before i moved to the first home hubby and i bought together. We married shortly afterwards.

The town i where i now live, and have done for my whole married life, was built shortly after the second world war. It started as an overspill from London, built surrounding an older town originating in the middle ages. It is a mainly nondescript place that has continued to grow. But early developers considered green spaces, local shopping, schools and a hospital. All the infrastructure that seems to be an after thought these days. It has never been affluent, since the people who came here did so to escape the damage sustained during the war and to achieve a more pleasant lifestyle. It isn’t stylish or particularly sought after. But it is spacious, and thoughtfully built. It has a large park, with lakes and it has wide roads. My son was born here, went to school, and it is home. But i do feel sad about it. The town centre is not the best, it has no ‘big’ stores as such. The schools are generally slightly less good than the best. Some parts are in health and social care terms described as ‘deprived’.

We live on the edge of town and because of that crime levels are low, we have the countryside and pubs within walking distance and we are definitely within easy reach of all the main motorways north and south. For that reason i am in no rush to move. The only reason i would easily move would be to be nearer the sea. Otherwise it kind of meets my needs for now.

A friend I admire

I have been thinking about this question quite a bit. You see I seem to have a bit of a problem in that I have very few people in my life who I could call friends. People in my life seem to become close for a while and then they kind of slip out of view. They are still around, still there for occasional meetings and for exchanging cards but that is about it. Having said that, of course there are people who are friends that I admire. There is my good school friend, who readily admits is rubbish at keeping in touch, but who when on the rare occasion we are able to speak or meet is just the same as she ever was. We are able to pick up our friendship and chat as if we were never apart. I admire her because of the way she bravely removed herself from an abusive relationship and then told people about it. That must have been so hard, both to endure and then to speak about it to others who were far away and didn’t know. I haven’t heard from her in a while and hope she is ok. Thinking about her now, I am going to pick up the phone and call her since she will never do the same to me, it is just her way.

Secondly I would like to mention someone new, who I have met just once, but whom I have lots in common with and who I know I am going to be really good friends with. I met her on Fetlife first, have emailed lots, texted, chatted by phone. We met for coffee and cakes a couple of weeks ago. She brought me a couple of books, one of which she had won and had had signed for me by the author. I mention her because I admire the way she has decided to embrace this lifestyle, to seek out new friends and lovers and to try new ideas. She is in her 60’s and hasn’t been in the best of health. She readily admits to ‘body image’ issues but still she embraces the idea of emerging from the safety of black clothing to rediscovering her feminine side. Her path is never smooth, but she faces life head on and I admire her for that. She has also been a great strength to me over the last difficult months. She will read this, and I am not sure what she will say. I hope she will see this for what it is, a statement of friendship.

Something I never leave the house without

i know that others who have completed this series of posts have talked about their mobile (cell) phone as being the thing they would never leave the house without. But as recently as Saturday, when my phone was charging, i went for a hair appointment without my phone. Also if out with others i am happy to leave my phone behind when say out for a walk. So maybe that is not the correct answer for me.

i think the answer is probably my keys; front door and car attached to each other on a key ring. Even if someone is home, and i know they are not leaving the house, i have a morbid fear of not being able to get back inside. This is because i have previously left the house, shut the door and then not been able to either get into the car or back inside. On that fateful day, my neighbour (who has a key) was in the middle of house renovations and couldn’t find our key. Hubby had to return from work so that i could leave. Of course on that day the phone came in useful. Since that day, i have made sure i always have my key, even if it means carrying it in my hand (say if no bag or pocket).

This sounds very dull, but that is how it is. Lets hope the next one of these is more interesting!

A favourite movie

The thing is, i am no movie buff. What’s more i don’t go to the cinema all that much, nor do i go out of my way to watch movies on tv.  i can truthfully say, i would rarely watch any film twice, so am not sure i have an out and out favourite film.

This is already sounding like a dull cop out, since this is only day two and there are another 28 to go yet. You see my problem is that i have difficulty recalling things like the names of films or their lead stars. So the way i will handle this is to tell you about some landmark films for me (as far as i remember them)

The first film i ever saw at the cinema was the Sound of Music, i think i was about 3 or 4 years old. For years I thought the film ended with Maria marrying Baron Von Trapp, as I fell asleep at that point. I have watched it several times since and it is one of those wonderful films we don’t get now, with loads of scenery, a nun, singing, children, love prevailing. You know what I mean.

There are a bunch of films that I associate with going out with hubby, they include Saturday Night Fever (my first x rated as it was called then and not sure that I know why that was), what’s not to love about John Travolta and the Bee Gees. Then there was Grease; i have particularly liked Grease again over the years as my niece and nephew loved it for a while and we passed as few karaoke type evenings with them and their parents a few years ago.

Top Gun i remember because I went with girlfriends when i was a student nurse, we used to get free tickets to theatre and cinema and we went quite often. Great when you are hard up!

The first film i took my son to was Jungle Book, he was probably a bit young and fell asleep like his mum had. It was no problem as i got a lovely rest and he got to see it many more times on video  (remember those?). i have lots of memories of taking him to see various films, good and bad. The worst was Pokeman the movie!  The last time i went with him was the final part of Lord of the Rings. He had friends with him and expected me to sit a safe distance away. Don’t you just love going out with teenagers?

Since then there have been few films, but in the last year i have seen many more films, often when with Sir (as usual their names slip my mind). He loves a good (or less good) film. Plus on the plane to the US last year I saw a couple of good films; Toast which is about the childhood of Nigel Slater, who is now a British TV cook, and The Descendants with George Clooney, I also saw the Artist and was puzzled as to why the lead in that got the Oscar over George.

So having started this  unable to name a single movie, you have a potted history of my through films. I know there have been many more, and many that at the time were moving or tear jerking. But these are memories for me and thats important.

A place I’d like to travel to

This is the first of a 30 day meme that sin has been doing during over the last few weeks. Since i am unlikely to have anything kinky to say for much of the next few weeks and that i am fed up with moaning about things at home this seems like a pretty good project. So here goes; day 1 is about a place i would like to travel to:

Apart from Europe and a small part of the USA I am not all that well travelled. Consequently there are lots of places I would like to see. I would love to travel to Africa and see animals that I can usually only see in a zoo or wildlife park, in their own habitat. I would love to visit Australia and New Zealand, to experience the wide open spaces, the amazing cities, the beaches and the beautiful countryside. In New Zealand I have some family, and especially an aunt I haven’t seen for a lot of years that I would visit.

But also there are places in Europe I would love to see. Some of the Greek Islands, more of Germany, Scandinavia, more of France and Spain. There are just too many places.

With everything that has been going on lately, I am considering a week away on my own later next month.  Sir and I spent some time looking at this place last week

This is one of the islands of Cape Verde. These are, according to Wikipedia, an island country made up of 10 islands off in the Atlantic Ocean off the coast of West Africa.

Hubby and i have mainly been to places that are pure holiday resorts, even if we have at times gone to the quieter part of the resort. This seems to be a bit more remote, though still with good hotels, mainstream travel companies providing packages etc. It offers white beaches (a long held ambition), fish to eat, wine to drink and places to walk. Even if i don’t go to this exact place this is the type of place that i would like to go to this year. And i am on a mission…..

Riding Crop

It is time i spoke about the new addition to Sir’s collection of toys and other possessions. The riding crop is something we spoke of for a while before he bought it. i mentioned the prospect of it here and it features as a word people who come here have searched for.

As previously described, it looks something like this. It looks reasonably innocuous, especially when it is used to stroke me.

Oh yes when Sir strokes my bottom, the tops of my legs, my pussy it feels wonderful. Smooth, cool, almost soft to the touch. Involuntarily my body arches towards it. i could be stroked with it all night. Of course, that isn’t in the plan. He is just teasing me, getting me ready for what is to come next.

He then allows himself to pull back to allow it to whoosh through the air, perhaps hit an object such as the bed or chair. So i can hear its full force. feel the breeze, hear the crack. Then he lets me have it. Gently at first. Luring me into a sense that this is just a harmless object before he hits me harder (not as hard as he hits the bed or chair, but hard enough). i wince but of course thank him for hitting me in this way.

“Thank you Sir” i say. i am a grateful slut.

Thwack – again it hits me and again and again.

i wonder if this is what i want, but just as i do i feel the wetness emerge from my pussy from my clit. Almost as if he knows my thoughts he stops and feels.

You are wet slut!

Yes i am wet. What does he expect?

Neither of us go over board on pain. But gradually with implements such as the riding crop He is giving me more pain and i am accepting, longing for it.

That crop is an amazing thing. Sexually arousing, but painful. Yes wonderful

Relaxing

The weather helped in our decision to make Saturday a relaxing time. Early on i decided that around 3ish would be a good time to leave for home. That way, i would be back before it was properly dark.

We were awake early. i guess that it goes with our age, not being able to properly lie in these days. Still, it means that relaxing can be part of your awareness rather than part of something you realise has happened once you wake up.

After breakfast we spent time surfing the Internet. Thoughts of a trip to France, a suitable hotel and some kinky ideas to accompany it, were followed by research into a dungeon you can hire near where Sir lives, were followed by some ideas for me to get a week away to help sort my head.

After a bath (not actually together, but then unless you have something massive is no particular sacrifice), we took something of a bracing stroll by the sea. The first 10 minutes were great, but as the sun disappeared and it began to snow we wasted no time in getting back to Sir’s warm house.

We returned to bed. Deliberately. For some Saturday sex. I dressed in stockings and suspender belt, complete with heels (my corset is a little tight right now, but i will sort that). He spent a lot of time sucking my nipples and stroking my clit before clamping my nipples. He went down on me. This was a feature this weekend, He has licked, sucked and bitten my clit such a lot this weekend, there was barely a point in asking to cum for him, since i felt like i was almost continuously orgasming! Then it was my turn. The more i worship His cock, the more i love it, want it in my mouth and to satisfy Him. He fills my mouth, and helps me concentrate my mind. Wonderful.

He pushed His cock into my cunt, from behind, with me crouching on the bed, then on my tummy, then on my side. Lastly, he filled my arse and i was able to cry out, tell Him what He loves to hear. That i am his whore, His slut, that i belong to Him and Him alone.

Lunch followed. What you have to understand about the needs of my Master is that sexual fulfilment is quickly followed by the need for food.

Lastly we went to the supermarket to we could both buy provisions for the next couple of days. Sir wanted me to be dressed as a slut for this trip, but had to be honest and say that He couldn’t follow though (thank goodness as i too was spent). He thought it might be funny to add a couple of cans of sweetcorn to the blog, since that was one of his purchases. So here they are.

These are more exotic than the real ones, but there are two.

A cup of tea later and i was on my way home.

26 hours. Lots and lots of orgasms. A week of satisfaction by most peoples reckoning.

A relaxing day and a wonderful weekend.

Just what i needed!

Looking forward to being dressed as a nun in France (yes really)!

Respite

Sir doesn’t like me to make out that he is any more special than he thinks he is. In my last post, i wrote that he was one really good thing in my life. Of course he isn’t the only thing. But right now, he is important.

He didn’t let me down.

This week has been one of the most difficult of my life. Probably since i found out hubby was cheating on me even though he had promised he had stopped. You see this is a long term problem, which dates back 20 years or more. But more of that in another post, perhaps tomorrow.

i left work yesterday  as soon as i could. This week has been half term, and with a diminishing workforce it seems to be difficult to take even one days leave. i made excellent progress, stopping at a service station to change out of my warm winter tights for stockings, suspender belt and to remove my knickers. Once i had parked up outside Sir’s house i put on my heels.

He was pleased to see me, and i him. He definitely liked the effort i had made and it was obvious from the start that this trip was about Him taking care of my needs. Within minutes He had stroked my pussy, had clamped my nipples and clit and was spanking me with the riding crop. I melted into him. He knew what i needed and i got it.

After a simple but lovely lunch he told me to spread my legs. He spent a long time licking my needy pussy, making me cum and cum. Then He told me to go down on Him. Something i did willingly, with gratitude.

I sucked, took his cock deep within my mouth and throat. i licked his balls, licked his arse and then for the second time ever, i sucked him until He came.

We watched tv, had dinner and later kissed and caressed. i needed some time away from the stresses of this week and that’s just what i got.

 A respite.

This is my blog and I will ramble if I want to

I was short of a title and this is the best I can do.  It is strange that I always tend to give my blog posts, or an essay or report for that matter, a title first. It is a mental thing. In this case I am stuck for a catchy title so this is what I have come up with. It seems a good title though since already I ramble.

Stuff is happening here, has taken something of a turn. Things have become rather unpleasant and if you look down to my last post, we are back in anger territory.

Hubby found some sent emails early yesterday morning. I know I was careless, first I hadn’t deleted them, second they were easily found on the iPod (which I had forgotten was logged into email since I haven’t touched the thing in weeks), at 4 am. He is an insomniac who thought he would like to listen to music at 4 am, and pressed the wrong button (apparently).

He found a trail of sent emails mostly to Sir. In the most recent I had confirmed I would see Sir on Friday. This was a problem since I hadn’t yet told hubby. Worse in his ever suspicious eyes was an email from a couple of weeks ago about the conversation I had had with someone about a possible mmff encounter (by the way if you type mmff into an iPad, it trys to convert it to the word to muffin). All that has happened is discussion, no firm plans have been made and I am not sure yet what if anything we might do together, if we ever met. I have been texting the female sub of the relationship and getting to know her and him. Of course if you read this as a sent email with no reply (there probably never was one as Sir doesn’t always reply and is often direct and to the point if he does), then you might imagine it had already taken place. He also took offence to the fact that after my name were a couple (or 3 kisses). I tend to put kisses on an email to friends (male and female), but I guess that doesn’t matter.

Lets just say that this information has sent us into a massive downward spiral and I have just endured more than 24 hours of questioning, accusations and general unpleasantness (not including the time we were  either at work or briefly sleeping).

I have now been told I am being groomed! I have been informed that buying things from a sex shop must not happen using the joint account I solely use (perhaps he should look at the transactions within his own bank statement more closely since yesterday he was so over drawn he was unable to withdraw money and I gave him some). I have been told that I am a lyer and cannot be trusted, (I guess I am guilty as charged on these). I have been cross examined about the contents of the bag I use for work, I have had things i apparently said in November or December recited back at me. I have been told I have ruined his sex drive and made him impotent.

I wonder now where we go from this.

I offered to give up seeing Sir. I am getting close to the end of my tether, but am apparently not entitled to be upset or distressed. Hubby tells me to carry on since he won’t be here at the weekend and he can’t do anything to fulfill me.

Anger is an understatement and I know I am to blame.

He desperately needs to talk to someone, but refuses since it would mean losing face. Admitting his wife is seeing someone else and he has not stopped it. So he takes that anger out on me.

But actually this is about a deeper problem with this marriage. One which existed long before I ever chatted to Sir or indeed met Him.

I feel deeply sorry for my husband of over 28 years. I have cared for him deeply through thick and thin. I have loved and fought for him. I have supported and stood up for him. I took on thousands of pounds of debt for us both, destroying my own credit rating so that his could be maintained. I spent much of our early married life including the early years of my sons life while he persued his own early mid life crisis. I have put up with a lot. Of course I have also done a great wrong.

But right now I really don’t like him. I no longer know if I love him.

I really don’t know where to go from here.

This is my blog and I am rambling and writing here helps.

I have opened a new bank account in my own name.My credit rating is on the mend and I have paid most of the debt (myself through the joint account). I didn’t tell him about the new account and left the paperwork lying around. I am careless and stupid. But I think I was right, I need to start to think about me and not us. I have to protect me.

I have risked everything and feel right now that I have lost lots. My son is finishing his degree (dissertation due next week, followed by 3 essays and end of year exams), and will graduate this summer. I can’t tell anyone in the family until I tell him, but I can’t tell his yet. Luckily he will not be home till Easter.

I am a month from redundancy and I am starting to feel scared about getting a job, even though I am already getting potential offers of work.

There is one really good thing in my life and I know I will see Him tomorrow. There seems little point in giving that up right now. What is more I really need Him!