Time to reflect

It’s been about 10 days since S told me that he was ready to move on. During that time I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on our relationship together, but also about what I might want in the future.

While we were chatting on Skype that evening, he said he hoped I met someone; that I deserved to be happy. I told him that evening that I wasn’t in any hurry, instead I need to sort my life out.

I do need to do that, but actually I would like to think about a future relationship and what I might look for in that context. For the past few evenings hubby has been home – the longest time we have spent together since well before Christmas. The gulf between us shouted at me – in terms of the way we communicate and the way in which we want to spend our time. When he is home I restrict my time online, and we generally sit in the same room watching tv, eating dinner and speaking about neutral issues. This week, I have had lots of time to think about my life and what the future might hold.

I think the first thing to say is that I really want (and need) is to be allowed to explore my submissive side. I want (and need) a dominant man who can help me do that. I am tired of making quite so many decisions for myself and for everyone around me and I really would like the opportunity to hand some of that over for at least some of the time. I would like to be told that I should like to be told that I am expected to dress in a certain way, to keep myself shaved, to behave in a particular way and to be made to spend some time thinking about my submission. I am not saying I want to be a 24/7 submissive, but to be given the opportunity to consider how much of my time is spent submitting to someone else is something I would like to have.

I want to be someones sexual object. To be made to push my sexual and other boundaries. I want to be expected to kneel, to worship. I want to be made to feel that they are the only one that matters and through those feelings to be aroused.

I want boundaries within which I should live my life. I want to be punished when I wilfully break rules. I want and need control.

In turn I want to be cared for, to be loved and to be made to feel wanted.

I know what I want, indeed what I NEED. The question is, how to I get it?

Picture from Simply Black and White

The end

This time for good.

When S and I resumed our relationship last August, it was always likely to be a temporary thing. A friends with benefits kind of arrangement was what we agreed. During that time we have made the most of that dynamic and things have been good. But I was always aware that he was looking for a long term relationship and that he felt that I was not the one for that (I am inclined to agree with that assessment, though at times let my emotions get the better of me).

However I was not quite expecting him to find that special person so soon after our New Year together. Hell I hadn’t even told my blog the funny parts of that trip, nor had I expressed anything about the difficult phone call I had with my husband and the lies I told him.

But, apparently he has met someone and he thinks that she is going to be ‘the one’ for him. I want him to be happy, and from the sound of things, she may well be able to do that for him.

So that is it for us.

I felt a bit odd for a day or two, but only really in that I am sad that I won’t be having any more times like New Year with S. I like the kink with him and I had slipped back into enjoying the excitement and thrill of that.

He says he hopes I meet someone else, that I deserve to be happy.

Of course I do and sometime maybe that will happen. Not right now though.

Right now, I need to sort out the mess of my long term relationship and get myself into a position where I can have a relationship with whom I want, when I want and on the terms I want.

Its over with S but it doesn’t feel like the complete end of anything.

If anything it is the beginning of a new phase – well that’s what I am hoping anyway!

Meme of 2013

Got this from both Abby at Finally finding me and Fiona from Sir Q and me:

1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

    I Was made redundant – it opened up a host of possibilities though 
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? 
    No, I weigh more not less than this time last year. Trying again though
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? 
    No, but my niece has just announced she is expecting a baby this year.
4. Did anyone close to you die?  
    No thankfully.
5. What countries did you visit? 
    France and Italy – both beautiful
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013? 
   The confidence to do what I know I must
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 
    31st March when I was made redundant and August 1st when I became the owner of a french apartment 
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? 
    Staying sane while everything around me seemed to go wrong
9. What was your biggest failure?
   To resolve the issues with my hubby
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
   No I have remained healthy, thankfully
11. What was the best thing you bought? 
    My lovely new kitchen
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
   My son graduated with a first class honours degree. He has been a complete star this year
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? 
    Hubby’s – he is self absorbed and childish for too much of the time
14. Where did most of your money go?
    The kitchen – worth it though!
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
   Seeing Robbie Williams at Wembley, my new car and the kitchen 
16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
    Probably The Cave, Mumford and Sons – I played both their albums a lot when I drove to visit S this year.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? 
   Happier – no redundancy hanging over me and I am clearer about what I want – just got to work out how to get it
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? 
    Been able to see S
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? 
    Worried about the state of my marriage
20. How did you spend Christmas? 
    With my parents and son
21. Did you fall in love in 2013? 
  No, but I loved and was loved
22. What was your favorite TV program?
   I haven’t watched masses of TV this year, but enjoyed Broadchurch, a murder mystery series set in a beautiful part of England
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? 
    I don’t really hate anyone
24. What was the best book you read?
    I have read lots of books this year, more time, more travel etc. A favourite would be The woman he loved before by Dorothy Koomson, a great novel and also A journey from lost to found by Cheryl Strayed about walking the pacific crest trail
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? 
  Nothing particular this year
26. What did you want and get? 
  A new kitchen 🙂 
27. What did you want and not get? 
  A job at the beginning of the year; I have one now though
28. What was your favorite film of this year? 
   I really enjoyed Lincoln
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 
  I went out for a meal in France, I was and still am 51
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
  Spending more time with S  
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
  Improved – I have a bit more money now
32. What kept you sane? 
   Friends
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? 
   Can’t say I did
34. What political issue stirred you the most?
  I am just irritated by this governments inability to understand how real people have to live  
35. Who did you miss? 
   S, particularly for a difficult month around July / August when we weren’t together 
36. Who was the best new person you met?   
  My new boss probably  
37. What is a valuable lesson you learned in 2013?  

  To believe in yourself and in your decisions

One to remember

After a Christmas, that in many ways I would like to forget, New Year was something different. Entirely different.

My New Year was spent with the lovely S, and he was pretty keen to make it something special for us both. Special and very different.

He had been working, and I had travelled down during the late afternoon. I arrived shortly after he got in. With no special plans we decided on a quiet evening, the two of us – with food, wine and some kinky sex.

A lot of kinky sex.

For this evening S was once again my Master, in a way he has not really been since the summer. I wore  stockings and heels as usual, but tonight I wore my collar once more. I had my nipples clamped. I was cuffed. I had my panties stuffed into my mouth. I was spanked with both his hand and the riding crop. I was made to lick his ass and balls and then I was allowed to suck his cock. He made me sit on his face and then he gave me the most amazing set of orgasms. I think that was most of part one.

Part 2 was later in the evening, and involved a little more wine and sex on the sofa, or with me knelt on it and then over it. The whole thing is something of a blur.

As midnight approached we cuddled up sipping sparkling wine. He announced that he wanted us upstairs having sex when midnight arrived. Knowing that my family would start to contact me at midnight, I was forced to switch off my phone.

So at midnight, my Sir had his cock inside my backside. He was owning me and I was definitely his slut. Which of course I told him – at his request.

For both of us it was the perfect end to the year and a wonderful way to start the next.

It was definitely one for us both to remember.

Happy New Year to you all.

One to forget?

For the first time in 30 years, hubby and I have been apart this Christmas. Indeed I have not seen him for 6 days. In that time, there have been a number of texts and one, quite unpleasant phone conversation on Christmas morning. I have spent time with our son, he and I have spent time on Christmas day with my parents and on boxing day with hubby’s family.

From Christmas eve morning until boxing night I felt very low. Probably worse than I have felt for many months. I wasn’t tearful like I was when S told me things were over between us in the summer, but I just felt low. Felt that everything was a chore, too much effort. But, because I am a reasonable actress and because I hate people being sorry for me, I pulled myself into shape and got on with things. My son and I exchanged presents on Christmas morning (a lopsided exchange of course), he gave me a lovely hug and was very attentive. Then we set off for a quiet Christmas day with my parents. When we arrived, unknown to me, I had been assigned the task of cooking Christmas dinner. I don’t remember being asked, but as ever, I got on with things, and this year it was a small event. Later my teenage niece and nephew arrived and we played some fun games. I went to bed feeling somewhat happier than I had in the morning.

On boxing day evening we went off to a family party hosted by hubby’s parents. This was an awkward event. They asked me about what hubby was up to, when he had decided to help the homeless etc. I know little of what he has been up to and as far as I know he decided to help the homeless so he wouldn’t have to face his and my family at Christmas. Still I pulled it off and my son told me later I did a good job.

So tomorrow, hubby is apparently putting in an appearance. I am hoping we can at least have a small amount of family time. This is part of my desire, from son’s tone of voice when I told him, it is not his particularly. But we will see.

I am hopefully heading down to visit S for new year. I hope that this will help me gather the emotional and physical strength to face the things I need to in the first few days of January. You can’t act in the way hubby is now and expect things to return to normal (no matter what he may think).

My new year hope is that I have some very kinky things to write about on this blog by this time next week.

Change ahead?

Hubby announced at the end of last week that he wouldn’t be spending Christmas with us. Instead he told me that he will be helping the homeless at a shelter in London. He told me that this is something he has always wanted to do. I really want to believe that this is true, and perhaps it is.

However, he has told me a number of (what I think are lies ) as part of the story. He has told me that he will be staying with a friend in London, a male friend. He has told me that he is not seeing anyone else.

Last night he was staying not in London, but somewhere else. I don’t know who he is with, but I am sure it is not a male.

It is almost time to force a change, I just need to decide when that time should be.

I don’t deserve to feel cheated, since I was the one to cheat first. But I do.

He has been incredibly upset about the lies I have told him and now he is lying to me.

The greatest sadness is that he doesn’t feel able to tell me the whole truth and that is a shame.

I feel glad that I have my family around me who are being very supportive and I feel glad that I have S to provide additional friendship and support.

I think this will be a bit of a strange Christmas.

Can’t turn the clock back

A post by Vesta at Vesta’s submission has had me thinking all day as I have gone about my pre-Christmas preparations (decorating the tree and shopping for presents) today. I am struggling with getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I can’t quite get into the mood and am going through the motions a little. Still I have most of the presents bought, a few wrapped. I have started on the cards, but am struggling with signing our names in the usual way. I have a lovely tree chosen by my son who also helped to decorate it. For 22 he is still loves Christmas and why shouldn’t he?

I know that it doesn’t have to be like this. I know that all I had to do in the summer when S and I finished (all be it briefly), was to tell hubby that I had made a mistake and that I wanted to try again. There have been many times since that day that I could have patched things up between us. But, how can I? The relationship he is offering me is not what I want. I have discovered things about myself over the past couple of years that I probably always knew. I can’t turn the clock back and pretend otherwise.

Until April 2012 hubby was the only man I had had full intercourse with. I always knew there was more that I wanted and needed but I struggled to work out what it was. I also knew that I didn’t really want that something else with hubby. I spent lots of time reading about sex, particularly since we have had a computer in the house. There were programmes about kink on the TV form time to time and I was curious, but I didn’t do anything about that curiosity.

The beginning of the relationship with S coincided in a heightening of my curiosity and discovery about the kinky side of me. One didn’t cause the other, they happened at the same time. I was reading about BDSM, particularly blogs and stories, and I was visiting kink related websites (like Fetlife) and chatrooms. It was in a kink chatroom that I met S for the first time. We chatted and played out a fantasy scene. I was aroused and I was even more curious. Over the following few days I discovered that I was willing to things he asked me to like wearing no panties, like playing with myself when in a public place, like wearing stockings. I found that being called a slut by him turned me on. I found I wanted to please him. I discovered my submissive side and I liked it.

A defining moment came on the day I bought a butt plug and inserted it, in a car park while on the phone to him. He told me I was a good slut.  I loved the feeling of that plug inside me, but I loved the feeling of being told I was a good slut and that he was pleased with me even more. A few days later I met him and was bending over while he spanked me and then claimed me for his own.

I am not a different person to the one I was 2 years ago,  but I have explored my limits and I have found I want more than I ever knew from a relationship. I know I can’t go back to the way I was then, and what is more I don’t want to. I am kinky and that is something I just am. I didn’t choose this, but you know what I am not sorry.

Photo from Austi81

Looking backwards….looking forwards

Its that time of year, a time to think about what has happened over the past 11 and a half months and wondering what is in store.

Often I think I am here, treading water. I feel that no progress is being made. But then again when I look back and see what has happened this year, when I look at how things are right now, maybe I am not quite as stationary as I think.

The relationship with hubby is progressing slowly, surely in the direction of the exit. We both know this, even if at times (usually different times) we try to pretend otherwise. The truth is that 30 years is a long time to be married. Our whole lives have been bound up for so long, it is difficult to quite see the future without each other. He, is at last showing signs that he is beginning to come to terms with things. He seems happier in himself (or maybe more resigned to reality), this may have been helped by the lady on the photos that have accidentally been transferred from his iPhone to my iPad (oh dear, he can be careless too). I prefer to think of him being a little happier than he was earlier in the year, when he said he felt he belonged no where. He still maintains he is visiting male friends every weekend and out with the same friends nearly every night. No one can go out that much without collapsing (especially at his age). At some time soon, we will have to say what needs saying and maybe he might tell me what he is up to. Mean time, we dance around each other a bit.

Today I have a family party, my whole family getting together for my dad’s birthday. Dad isn’t too well and he is of the opinion that he wants to celebrate each birthday in case it is his last. My brothers and their partners will be there, along with some of my nephews and nieces. My son will be there too.  Hubby won’t. This feels like a landmark since in the past we have always turned up to each others family occasions. Hubby says he will only do the things he wants to do now and he doesn’t want to do this. I have booked hotel rooms for my son and myself so I can have a couple of glasses of wine and not have to drive home.

The man formerly known as Sir is still around. The decision we made back in the summer, to be friends and to get together when we both want to, seems to be working. We really are very good friends and continue to help each other through our relationship issues with ex / soon to be ex partners. There is no D/s when we are not together. He is not my master while I go about my life, he is not even my master when we are together and doing ordinary things together. However when it comes to deciding when, where and how we have sex, he is definitely in charge and he is my master. This sounds like we are playing at something, but I don’t think we are. It is how this relationship has developed and how it is. If he decides I will get on my knees and suck his cock, then I am going to do it. If he decides I should wear stockings, no underwear, or whatever when we are together, then that is how I am dressed.

For me it is about being able to let go of everything. To leave the decision making to him. To trust that he knows what he wants and what is best for me and to make sure we both get the best of the situation. Sometimes our sex is a kind of kinky vanilla and sometimes there are clamps, spanking, restraint, perhaps the riding crop makes an appearance. I never know how it will play out and I like it like that. There is always an expectation that I will worship his cock and that is something I love to do. He loves to remind me that he is the only one I have had anal sex with, that his is the only cock I love to suck. He loves to tell me how well he has trained me, and he loves me to tell him that he is the one who has turned me into the slut I now am.

Distance means we can’t spend as much time together as I (and I think he) would like, but I am happy for this relationship to last in the way it is for as long as it is right for both of us.

I kind of know what the future holds, but for now I am not looking too far ahead. Living the moment, and the moment isn’t really too bad.

A gift from Fondles

I am gearing up to write a proper post, really I am. Life is just busy right now, and it is also complex. I have some time off coming up and I promise to give a proper update.

For now though, I am gifted a quiz by Fondles which gives a hint of life for joolz right now.

1. Does the cock you worship have a name? Would you like to give him one? 

— No and not really. I do love His cock but no, a name in not necessary

2. What’s the max number of times you’ve worshipped cock in a 24 hour period? 

— Often we only get 24 hours in any 2-3 week period so lots of worship is required. Essentially during that time, my purpose is to worship His cock whenever he wants. Generally 3-4 times I would say (in whichever way he chooses).

3. How often does cock-worshipping take place?

— Sadly not often enough. But we make the most of that time!

4. When worshipping cock, do you start with balls? [Yes / No and elaborate please.]

— No, I generally start with the cock and move on to the balls

5. Do / Can you deep throat?

— This is a skill that I am still perfecting, but am pleased to report that I am getting much better at it.

6. Spit or swallow? (Yeah yeah, I had to right?)

— Swallow every time thanks

7. What do you focus on when worshipping cock? 

— On giving him the pleasure he deserves. I concentrate on going deep and on getting my mouth around the size of him again. I try to shut out other thoughts and concentrate on the cock. It seems to work

8. How long is a typical cock worshipping session for you?

— It might be a few minutes it might be longer, generally time passes and often I am surprised just how many.

9. What is your favourite cock worshipping position?

— It depends on the situation. There is nothing like dropping to my knees soon after I have arrived to see him. Then there is on my back with his cock slipping further and further down. Then there is him on his back in the early morning while I go down on him…..

10. If you had to give up oral sex, which would you choose – never giving again, or never getting again?

— mmm difficult as since I discovered I like to give him oral, I can’t imagine not, but then again I love to receive……. on balance it is of course always better to give than receive….

New experiences

The world of Joolz moves on in a positive but maybe uninteresting way.

I was with S a couple of weeks ago and things were good. I think he had been reading my blog, because he reintroduced the nipple clamps and the riding crop. There is always something of a balance between pleasure and pain in these things but generally it would be true to say that an increasing amount of pain leads to lots of pleasure. Our relationship also strikes a good amount of balance. Friends vs sexual and DS benefits – who could complain? Not me that’s for sure.
So I have been in France for 5 days now. On my own with no hubby. For the first few days I had friends here, but since Saturday, for the first time, I am alone. Do you know what? I like it! 
Despite the fact I have been here numerous times before, I have found new places. On foot, by car and a new thing for me, by bike. Egged on by S, yesterday I completed a very long (by any ones standards) bike ride. Ok, on the flat and in the name of geocaching. But when I reached the end of my ride to get my caches, I rode another 7.5k to get back to civilisation. 
I decided that I should have beer. People who cycle for 30k or whatever it was deserve beer. So after locking up my bike in my apartment bike shed, I went to a local bar. Sadly the usual draft beer was unavailable (this is off season, so I guess they are running stocks down), so the lady persuaded me to a bottle of beer. It went down nicely. But as I stood up I felt even more shaky than was expected after 30k. That beer was 7.5% proof!! Not surprisingly I needed a little sleep after my dinner.
Tomorrow, I travel home.
Normal life, but, all is well.
Hope to see S soon.