Time to unwind – Journey to pleasure

We have both being going through some stressful times and yesterday presented a chance to spend time together and try to unwind a bit. It also presented the opportunity for a trip by train; no traffic to navigate and lots of nice countryside to observe (plus bits of London etc).

Monday night proved difficult at home, hubby, who has been spending most of his time away, returned. I suppose it was something to do with laying claim to me before I went off to stay with Sir. The result was unpleasant and painful for us both. The relationship we once had, while not the best, seems to be slipping away, to be replaced with unpleasantness and bitterness.

I left home early and took a commuter train to London, managing to get a seat even though it was quite crowded. This was just as well; i was dressed ready to please Sir and that meant a short dress, stockings and suspenders and heels. I walked the short but slightly painful distance to where the trains to Sir’s were. Perhaps I should wear heels more and then they wouldn’t be so uncomfortable, or maybe my feet just don’t suit them. Anyway I told myself, no pain, no gain!

Having grabbed a hot drink in a coffee shop at the station i made my way to the platform and another crowded train. Thankfully after 2 or 3 stops the crowds thinned and I was able to spread out my belongings and apply my makeup; get myself ready for Him. As the miles passed I began to unwind a little, though this wasn’t helped by some constant and not so pleasant texts from hubby. Things have become complicated, because hubby thinks my relationship with Sir will spice up our marriage, but for me it is having something of a negative effect (but i will save that discussion for another day).

At last I arrived at my last train change point and travelled that last half an hour with Sir. Again the carriage started off full, but passengers got off at the next two stops giving me the chance to give Sir a look at His bare, pussy. He made me gasp as he felt my clit for the first time in about a month, within minutes bringing me close to an orgasm. Sadly there was no chance for more naughtiness since a young man got on the train and sat close by. But it gave us both a taste of what was to come.

Which was definitely pleasure with some rest and recuperation thrown in. For both of us.

Relationships

“Oh what a complicated web we weave,  when first we practise to deceive!” – Sir Walter Scott

Around a year ago, i was feeling particularly bored with my life. i was frustrated that as i approached my 50th birthday that i was in a rut. To those looking from the outside in it looked as if i had everything; a stable marriage of nearly 28 years, a good job, nice house, son doing well at university. All of those things were true, but actually that marriage was built on rocky foundations, perhaps set in quicksand. Few people in my life are aware of the truth behind the relationship between my husband and me. They know that we lived close to each other in our home town. They know that we first dated when i was just 15 and that we married soon after i qualified as a nurse. He was my only serious boyfriend. The only man i had had sex with. We seemed to be just right together, we loved and cared about each other, so people weren’t surprised that we married so young (21 and 25).

Within 5 years though we were leading practically separate lives. He claimed he needed to work away from home quite a bit and at the same time i was working shifts, including nights, as a nurse. Our relationship was often volatile, as i tried to get him to be the kind of husband i thought i wanted (one who pulled his weight around the house mainly). Often when we were invited to go out with friends, he either didn’t want to go, or wasn’t around, looking back he was almost contemptuous of them (though not to their faces), so they drifted away. At some point i discovered he was seeing someone at work and after much consideration on both our parts he told me he had ended the other relationship. i was in love, i wanted our marriage to work, and so i forgave and i trusted. We told no one about what had happened, though i did go and stay with a friend who had recently had a baby and seem to remember hinting that things were not going well. It later transpired that when i was away, hubby had his lady friend to stay in our house, in my bed.

In 1990 i became pregnant with our son. i was oblivious to the fact that my husband was involved in a long term relationship with another woman. i was blind and deaf, wrapped up as i was in the world of myself and my son. Hubby worked away, that was what i and others knew. i remember a neighbour asking me if he still lived with me. i was mortified that they would think that, but looking back he was rarely home. On occasions we would go for Sunday lunch to my parents, meeting a few streets away in separate cars. We would then arrive for the family gathering together and later, leave together and then go our separate ways.

One day when my son was around 3, on a Saturday lunchtime, i was ironing in my dining room while my son played nearby. Hubby was apparently at work. A woman turned up at the door and i invited her in. She told me that she was in a relationship with my husband and that what was more, they were engaged to be married! I was incredulous; how could this be in any way true? He arrived home and shooed her away. i was in shock and for that reason can’t exactly remember the rest of that day or the next few. A letter arrived, telling me all that she and my husband did together. It told me of weekends away, holidays, family events even an engagement party. Much of this has been denied since. Hubby maintains that she was obsessed with him and that he was too weak to say no. Somewhere between the two is probably the truth.

I have spent a lot of time since that time wondering why i stayed with my husband then. i do know that i was very frightened, of facing people, of having to cope alone, of the financial implications. So despite the fact that i didn’t trust him. That every time he touched me, my skin crawled. That the time we were together was very difficult. We carried on. He ended the relationship (probably not immediately) and we carried on. We lived and worked. We did things together and apart. We settled down into a long period of relative stability.

i did tell one or two friends, but not friends who knew my family and certainly not my family. Though i was so miserable during that time i look back and wonder that no one saw how unhappy i was. i wonder that no one asked me if everything was ok.

So that is the story of my marriage. The deceit and the lies of nearly 20 years have probably led me to the place i am now. That is why, when i started this thing with Sir, after a few months it became impossible for me to continue to lie to hubby about it. That is why i really want to tell everyone i know that the long term relationship they know about it something of a sham. It is a warning that while you can paper over the cracks, you can’t actually prevent the whole thing coming tumbling down eventually.

There is a bit more to this, but i will leave it till later …….. To be continued.

A close up of my day

Days here in the world of joolz are like like living in some kind of phony war. Have you ever seen any of those world war two films, where before any actual fighting begins, people carry around their gas masks and get into their shelters when the air raid warning sounds. Only for nothing to actual happen. Any day now things will change, but right now, life goes on.

In November i told hubby about Sir and around the same time, i was informed that if i didn’t find a new job by 31st March, i would be made redundant.

Life since then has meant that as far as anyone on the outside looking in could see, all was the same. But from inside things are very different. Each day i get up at the usual time (around 6.30am), do the usual stuff and arrive in work sometime between 8am and 9am depending on what the day might hold. i am lucky, since i can choose my start and finish time. Sometimes i work from home, but usually i go to the office. Sometimes i have meetings and sometimes i don’t. My job is about making sure that those who work in cancer care are supported to improve the experience of patients, and that they take account of the views of patients and their family in that care.

My job is now ending as the British Government has decided to make significant changes to my part of the health service. i don’t know if what i do will be done in the future and i don’t think that i can lose sleep over that any more.

At around 5pm to 5.30 (sometimes later) i arrive home (i only work about 30 mins away) and cook dinner. Sometimes hubby is here, but more often than not recently i am on my own. During the evening i will watch tv, read, surf the net or when i can chat to Sir online. Life is dull right now. But actually, it is pleasant, since it is currently still winter / spring. I go to bed at around 11pm.

Weekends involve some shopping, cleaning and relaxing a bit. Maybe some reading or needle work. Definitely a chat with Sir if hubby is away.

Soon all things will change. First my son will return from university for the Easter break and that will change the dynamics. He will make his presence felt, and i will enjoy that (except when he is treating the house as something of a staging post, a B&B), and i bet hubby will be here.

Then at the end of the month i will be redundant. My job will end and life will be different.

i have plans, exercise, walks, lunch with friends and family and generally interesting things. i also have work offers to consider but definitely my day will be different.

i plan to buy a new kitchen and to oversee its installation and i intend to take a holiday, perhaps on my own.

In the summer, son finishes his degree and comes home. Hopefully work will start to feature again for me. Plus hopefully hubby will sort out what he wants from home life.

At the same time there are the days and the nights with Sir, which i am hoping will increase during the coming weeks and months and which are totally different to the ones at home. i hope life will be a whole lot less dull, actually i expect that will be the case.

Three Quotations

Three things have been important to me this week (well probably more, but these spring to mind). So my three quotations reflect those three things:

Family – I took a day off this week to travel to a family funeral. My godmother, who is also a second cousin,  but call aunt, lost her husband, my uncle. I have wonderful memories of him, Uncle Ted, dancing with my aunt at parties, singing at family occasions and just being there giving us advice. He also loved to play cards; every family event ended with a game of cards.

So a family quote seems to be appropriate:

“You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them” – Desmond Tutu
After the funeral, I spent time chatting to my brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles. We don’t see enough of each other and it was good to have the opportunity. Its a shame that it took the death of Uncle Ted to make that happen!
The final letter arrived telling me I will definitely be redundant from my job on 31st March so:
“Work is the curse of the drinking classes” – Oscar Wilde

Right now, work is a chore. For some bizarre reason, I am busier now than i have been in the last year or two. I guess the fact that people have left already and that we have work to finish off and to handover has something to do with it.  Today I went shopping at lunchtime. I bought some food for dinner and a bottle of wine. I pondered the cost of that trip to the shop while on the way home and realised that I had spent far more than i intended on the wine. I have to admit it was very nice and if I had known what wonderful wine I had bought I might have left work earlier today (9 working days and counting).

I am off to see Sir on Tuesday:

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop – H. L. Mencken

It is nearly a year since Sir and I began what we do. We don’t call it love to each other. But it is something very special and we can’t and don’t want to stop it. I guess you might call it love.  Certainly we care about each other alot, and that feels good.

Allowing plans to form

This is proving to be a long month. That is how long it will have been once i see Sir next week. We have had lots of contact in other ways, mainly through the medium of Skype. But it is never the same.

At the same time things with hubby ebb and flow. He is out a lot but when he is home he is both attentive and intense.

i continue to work my notice (just under 3 weeks to go), on one hand things are busy there, but on the other hand there is a realisation that things really will end soon. There are opportunities, but at the same time there is fear.

So all in life is on one hand the same, but on the other distinctly different. i manage all of this by living from day to day and week to week. i am not planning too far in advance.

But this time next week, i will be with Sir. So i am starting to plan. Correction; we are starting to plan!

This time i will travel by train. The trip is to be midweek; i am using up my last 2 days of leave (he will also be off work). Today i looked at train times, and know that i can meet Sir for the final part of the journey at around 9.30. i know that i will wear a dress or skirt, and that i will wear stockings, suspenders and heels; of course. i am excited that there should be some opportunity for us to do something quite naughty on the train. It feels that (even though we are still in the grips of winter right now), spring will have sprung.

i am allowing myself to remember how it is to kneel before him, to be allowed to suck his wonderful cock. i am allowing myself to imagine him putting the nipple clamps on me, to put on my collar and to remind me who my Master is. i love to think of his cock inside me andi love to imagine bending over for him while he spanks me with the riding crop. i know that he is also thinking of these things; we have spoken of them.

We both know, thought that, plans are a wonderful thing, but the reality will be better”

A song for the day

I love to have music playing when I am in the house and often in the car. I can listen to most music, though of course I have preferences. That often depends on my mood and on the way I feel. Over the years different songs have had meaning for me, as I think is the case for many people. One of my first favourite songs was by Leo Sayer (not sure if he is known outside of the uk), he was not cool but i loved the track ‘when I need you’. It was special because it was something I played a lot when I missed my boyfriend when I first went off to be a nurse and lived in the nurses home.

The song that currently, and for some years has been my special song is this one by Keane. It is called Somewhere only we know. I have listened to it while out walking, when on holiday and in the house. I find it helps transport me to a pale I want to be. Right now that would be in the woods last summer with Sir.

Best Vacation Spot

There are many places i could choose, since hubby and i have been to a wide range of places on holiday. Some of those have been in the UK and others in Europe and the USA. For the purpose of this particular post, i am going to choose two. This gives me the chance to think about one with our son and one where there was just the two of us.

Almost exactly 4 years ago when our son turned 18 we travelled to Rome, taking with us our nephew who is just 3 months older. It was their first trip together as adults and since they were both keen history students, Rome seemed a good choice. As we have an only child we have taken his cousin away with us many times, they get on so well together and have always kept company for each other. We chose a relatively cheap, but comfortable hotel in the centre of the city near the Colosseum. Just right for wandering the historic sites, and generally looking around. None of us were disappointed by the beauty of the place, nor by the food – contrary to what you read, it is possible to find good food without breaking the bank. What is more we also had some good wine. We were awed by the Colosseum and Palatine, and amazed by the Vatican. We walked to the Spanish Steps and Trevi Fountain. They went off on their own, to a bar after dinner of an evening and we went to somewhere quieter. Even though it was February it was surprisingly warm. The perfect treat for an 18th birthday i’d say (and they did).

The other best place for me was our trip to Northern California. Again this was a birthday trip, this time for hubby’s 50th birthday (Also just over 4 years ago), we had been due to travel with my parents, but just a few days before, my mum had her second stroke and wasn’t allowed to travel. I have never forgotten my dad’s selflessness as he drove us to the airport for what was meant to have been his trip of a life time to see the Redwoods of California.

The trip was in 3 parts, firstly to San Francisco, then on to Vegas and finally a house overlooking the Pacific Ocean at Bodega Bay. All of the trip was wonderful, but it was the last part of the trip that was the most memorable. We spent a week, with glorious hot October sun, exploring the area and sitting on our lovely deck watching the sea. We walked along the amazing beaches and along the rugged cliff tops. We drove along highway 1 stopping to look at views. Hubby was in his element in his convertible Sebring. We visited the redwoods and knew my dad would have just loved to have been there.

We ate local seafood, we read our books, we sat on our deck drinking Californian wine, we relaxed in our hot tub late into the evening….

Both were wonderful holidays, they conjure up the most wonderful memories.
Memories to hold on to

All photos are from my own album

Sharing my secrets

The main reason I come here to write, to blog was to find a place to articulate my inner thoughts and feelings. I do this for myself, so that I can say things that can’t be said out loud or to test out how I feel. A brilliant by product is that people stop by, and sometimes they tell me their thoughts on what I have said.

It is generally more difficult to speak about things that are essentially secret to people in real life. One of hubby’s biggest gripes with me is that he feels I keep secrets from him. Of course I do. Since this side of my life doesn’t include him, what is more I don’t want it to. This is about me and it is about me and Sir. Increasingly he asks me questions about the relationship with Sir. But I don’t want him to know or to share that relationship with him.  I know that people who are married should share and not have secrets, but the way we are heading I am not sure we will be married for ever.

One of the reasons we find ourselves in this situation is because of our inability to communicate with each other about important things over the years. This has led to both of us bottling up our thoughts and feelings and this is definitely unhealthy. This blog and the people I have met through my exploration of this different dynamic (D/s), have led me to be more open with my thoughts and feelings. Some of those people, of course I don’t know in real life, but some I do. I would even go as far as to say that I have had more, and deeper conversations with Sir over this past year than I have with hubby in many years of marriage.  I guess that has something to do with the nature of what we do together and perhaps also because we met each other later in life. We also met at a time when we had a need for each other and needed to find another person to open up to.

Suddenly though I feel able to open up more to others, people who I have known for longer. Today I had lunch with a work colleague who I get on really well with and who I knew would be a good confident, someone else I have the potential to become food friends with (given that, as I said the other day, that I have few actual friends). While I told her nothing of the D/s side of things I did tell her about what has happened with hubby and me. I articulated my feelings in a way that I might have been unable to in the past. What was interesting to me was that she confirmed what I know, which is that even considering all that I am going through (with work and home issues) I seem to be happier than she remembers me being in a long time. That is because I am and I think that is because this whole thing is about me and for the first time I am discovering what makes me happy!

My hometown

Which hometown are we talking about here? The place i was born? The place i grew up, or the place i live now?  Since they are close enough together and none are all that exciting, there is probably space to mention all 3.

i was born in a town within what they now call Greater London, i think this means that it is an urban place that is on the outskirts, a place where red London buses roam, but which was once part of an English County (Middlesex in this case). I don’t remember much about the actual house or street as we left when i was 4, but I do remember the general area. We only moved about about 4 or 5 miles from that house so i remember the shops, the fact we were close to our grandparents and that there was a park nearby. i don’t remember it being the busy urban sprawl it definitely is, but then I was young and  nothing  was as busy as it is now 50 years ago.
We moved to a quieter place, within what is called the ‘home counties’. (Green and pleasant places close to London). We lived in a street with houses on each side of the road, which had little traffic especially during the day. School was at the end of our street and the only people driving to school were the headmaster and one or 2 teachers. Everyone walked to school and we all played out afterwards in the street. i remember playing hopscotch, riding our bikes and i remember the boys playing football. Hubby lived over the road from me, moving in when i was about 8. Secondary school for me was just under 3 miles away (this was important when local councils decided if we got free buses to school or not; i didn’t). My parents chose the better, rather than closer school. I have always been grateful for this since it has made it easier to achieve my ambition to become a nurse at a school of nursing in London. Generally i walked that 3 miles or so to school because i wanted the money provided for fares for other things. The town we grew up in had, what seemed like, a good shopping centre and it had 2 cinemas. Other than that there was little to do. My best friend and i had little trouble with this, since we strolled the streets or went to each others houses. On Monday nights we went to a local disco for teenagers. i guess our expectations were limited!

i started going out with hubby when i was 15; he was 19. He took me to London for the day on my first proper date with him. He belonged to a church group and through that we went on quite a few trips out and about. Later we and our wide circle of friends had an active social life, parties, visits to pubs and days out. When i was 18 i left my home town for the bright lights and cockroach filled nursing accommodation of London. I never lived at home again (though i was frequently home for days off or holidays), before i moved to the first home hubby and i bought together. We married shortly afterwards.

The town i where i now live, and have done for my whole married life, was built shortly after the second world war. It started as an overspill from London, built surrounding an older town originating in the middle ages. It is a mainly nondescript place that has continued to grow. But early developers considered green spaces, local shopping, schools and a hospital. All the infrastructure that seems to be an after thought these days. It has never been affluent, since the people who came here did so to escape the damage sustained during the war and to achieve a more pleasant lifestyle. It isn’t stylish or particularly sought after. But it is spacious, and thoughtfully built. It has a large park, with lakes and it has wide roads. My son was born here, went to school, and it is home. But i do feel sad about it. The town centre is not the best, it has no ‘big’ stores as such. The schools are generally slightly less good than the best. Some parts are in health and social care terms described as ‘deprived’.

We live on the edge of town and because of that crime levels are low, we have the countryside and pubs within walking distance and we are definitely within easy reach of all the main motorways north and south. For that reason i am in no rush to move. The only reason i would easily move would be to be nearer the sea. Otherwise it kind of meets my needs for now.

A friend I admire

I have been thinking about this question quite a bit. You see I seem to have a bit of a problem in that I have very few people in my life who I could call friends. People in my life seem to become close for a while and then they kind of slip out of view. They are still around, still there for occasional meetings and for exchanging cards but that is about it. Having said that, of course there are people who are friends that I admire. There is my good school friend, who readily admits is rubbish at keeping in touch, but who when on the rare occasion we are able to speak or meet is just the same as she ever was. We are able to pick up our friendship and chat as if we were never apart. I admire her because of the way she bravely removed herself from an abusive relationship and then told people about it. That must have been so hard, both to endure and then to speak about it to others who were far away and didn’t know. I haven’t heard from her in a while and hope she is ok. Thinking about her now, I am going to pick up the phone and call her since she will never do the same to me, it is just her way.

Secondly I would like to mention someone new, who I have met just once, but whom I have lots in common with and who I know I am going to be really good friends with. I met her on Fetlife first, have emailed lots, texted, chatted by phone. We met for coffee and cakes a couple of weeks ago. She brought me a couple of books, one of which she had won and had had signed for me by the author. I mention her because I admire the way she has decided to embrace this lifestyle, to seek out new friends and lovers and to try new ideas. She is in her 60’s and hasn’t been in the best of health. She readily admits to ‘body image’ issues but still she embraces the idea of emerging from the safety of black clothing to rediscovering her feminine side. Her path is never smooth, but she faces life head on and I admire her for that. She has also been a great strength to me over the last difficult months. She will read this, and I am not sure what she will say. I hope she will see this for what it is, a statement of friendship.