Some more of 30 days of me

Just like with the 30 days of submission, it is taking a while to get through these, so I am going to post about 3 of them today and weave in some of my thoughts following yesterday’s post. 

What I wore today

Since it is shortly before 10am, as I write this, I am still wearing what I wore today (as it were). That is jeans and a white shirt. Since giving up work, I have worn jeans / trousers pretty much every day. Except that is one day last week when it was sunny and warm (today is sunny but not very warm) and I chanced a summer skirt and tee shirt. Getting back into work wear once I restart work will be kind of strange I think. During the winter Sir has been very tolerant of my wearing trousers, I am sure though that as the weather improves I will be wearing more of the kind of clothes he likes, and loving it!

Most memorable of 2013 so far

I think that even if I answered this on 31st December, my most memorable kinky day will be this one. The other memorable day hasn’t happened yet – my son graduates this summer and I think that will be something very special.


Something that means a lot to me

Contrary to what people might think, my marriage means a lot to me. To have been married for nearly 29 years (in June) is an amazing thing. I remember when we reached our 5th anniversary, I threw a party – that is the achievement getting to that milestone seemed. Already we had been through problems of his infidelity, little did I know that he continued to see the person after that date. But as he says, that is all a long time ago.

Hubby is questioning whether I am currently throwing away the best part of our lives by questioning whether I want to stay married to him. I don’t believe that at all, but I certainly don’t consider going down this path lightly. 

As a friend said to me this morning in an email, marriage is a partnership and sometimes things for one person change more than the other. For us I think that is  the case. Hubby is confused, since in his eyes he is trying hard to change, but for me it feels too little too late. Plus, there is the added problem that I have discovered so much about myself that I can’t quite see where he fits any more. 

However, every time I get close to admitting that we should perhaps call it a say, I pull back. This happened over the last 12 hours. I know that is, while I truly value my new relationship with Sir and the things we do together. My relationship with hubby and our marriage also means a lot. 

Thinking about the previous question – the most memorable event – I think it is true to say that  this year over all will be pretty memorable, whatever happens in the end.

Will today define the future?

Hubby has been away. He has been out of the country, away to a sunny place, with a male friend. He went, he said to think, to clear his head and to decide. He has been away now for 11 days and has been in contact through texts twice. In the most recent one on Friday, he still seemed as angry as when he left.

I have been busy, both in terms of spending time with Sir, but also in doing other things – catching up with friends, going out and about, taking my son back to college and doing some de-cluttering. I have tried not to spend time thinking deeply about him and about what will happen next. Indeed whole days have gone by when I haven’t really considered him at all. Yesterday I went on my second meet up event, this time to the Victoria and Albert Museum in London for a cultural treasure hunt. I was in a team of 4 other women, all, I think in their 30’s. We had a great time, got on well together and won! We celebrated with a lovely Lebanese meal, before some of the others went on to a night out and I came home. Through these groups I am learning to explore life outside of the relationship I have with hubby, outside of family and current friends and outside of the safety net of 30 years. I am finding it interesting and enjoyable.

There are times when I sit here and feel that I have been unfair on Hubby, after all for years he did nothing that was particularly wrong and I have repaid him by having an affair. Not only have I had sex with another man, the sex has been kinky and I have told him I will not give it up. But this marriage has been something of a sham for years. OK so we have looked happy and for a lot of the time we have been reasonably so. But scratch the surface of our relationship and you would have found uneasiness, often unhappiness and frustration (mainly on my part). I have discovered that a breach of trust committed 20 years ago and brushed under the carper cannot be forgiven as easily as I thought.

This 11 days has shown me that I can go it alone. I can manage by myself and not only survive but laugh and love, and I can be happy.

I know there is a lot of heartache to come, but even if he is no clearer about what he wants, I think I am.

Last night on the train coming home, I remembered something that I had said to a friend very soon after I was married. Something that should have warned me. I told her that I had been in love with getting married, in love with the day, but that now, here I was married, I didn’t know if I was really in love with my husband. And, though I fought hard for him when I thought I might lose him to another woman 20 years about, I wonder if I ever truly was.

Mornings

My most favourite thing when i am spending time with Sir is to wake up beside him. As we both stir, he takes me into his arms and we rest there a while. Then we kiss a little and then i feel his fingers on one of my nipples, squeezing and gently twisting. Next he moves his hand down and i shift position so he can access my clit. He strokes me gently, then a little harder, and we kiss as he does. After a while, often after i have cum, he will break away and i know that is a signal that it is my turn. i move down the bed and take his now hard and large cock in my mouth. The first suck of the day, feeling Him inside me. I work him, sucking and licking. The way he pushes into me tells me how much he likes this too, He might sigh and say ‘oh yes’. Then he pulls away and tells me to turn on my side, so that he can push into my pussy from behind. He holds my shoulders, then breasts as we move together.

Photo from fancymonocrome via Erotic photography

Then, if we are at His house, he will get up and make us coffee.

Mornings are a great time to be together, and tomorrow morning i will wake up with Sir. For the first time we are going to get together (though only for one night) twice in the same week. An opportunity has arisen for me to be in London, from where you can of course get a train to anywhere else, including to His town. i am going to take that opportunity, i am going to cook him dinner (as he will be working) and then we will see. i told him i am going to travel light, he said he thought a toothbrush and stockings are sufficient luggage. i guess some heels will also need to travel with me.

It should be a lovely evening and then there will be the morning before He goes to work and i leave to return home. Lovely thoughts.

Weekend break – Part Two – The two of us

Our trip away involved us travelling to a medieval town north of where we both live (further north for Him). The town has a castle and nearby are lots of interesting cultural and historical places as well as some very nice countryside. We were blessed with the first reasonably warm weather of the year (spring has arrived very late here in the UK). Our small hotel / pub was 400 years old and was quite quaint and as Sir called it ‘quirky’. We had a four poster bed, however after the events of Part One, we didn’t actually use it for our intended purpose (which might have involved handcuffs of some kind of other thing you could be tied up with).  The room was spacious though and really very pleasant.

After our friends left, we changed and had dinner in the pub restaurant (it was 7.30 by then) and then went for a walk to get some fresh air and to have a look around the town. Later we cuddled up together in bed and slept. It would be true to say that the events of Friday wore us out, but after a good nights sleep and some lovely sex first thing in the morning we were ready for breakfast and the castle.

We are both interested in history and like to walk and explore places. Luckily we were staying within walking distance of the castle and arrived pretty much as the place opened. The castle staff were recruiting suitably strong and healthy people to be involved in firing the castle’s trebuchet and being the keen and eager big kid person Sir is he of course volunteered. After he and the other keen men had received some training in how to run round like a hamster and some health and safety information about how in an extreme case death could result, they put on a very fetching red tabard kind of thing and a hat and were ready. The friends and family’s of the volunteers left to watch at a safe distance and this is the kind of thing that happened.

The rest of the day we spent watching eagles and other birds of prey flying round, climbing up steps to battlements, looking around the castle, eating a picnic, going for a walk in the grounds and finding a quiet place where Sir could instruct me to suck his cock (well did you think we could be completely vanilla?). Back at the hotel, we retired to the four poster for some very satisfying sex and a short rest before we headed off to town for a lovely Thai meal. 
Sunday we went off to a nearby town where a famous playwright and poet lived many years ago, we spent the morning strolling around, drinking coffee and eating scones, cream and jam. Sir worked this off by rowing me up and then down the river, which was all very pleasant indeed. We finished off with a picnic in the park before beginning our journey home. 
So, it was a weekend of two halves; kinky and just plain wonderful. Sex and culture, history and kink, good food and very good and welcome turkish delight (produced at a very opportune moment during our kinky play). I could get a taste for all of this!

Weekend Break – Part one – The four of us!

At last i have something to write about;  something kinky, something fun and a lovely lovely time. Sir and i have been away for a weekend away. We had 2 whole nights and the best part of 3 days together,  a real treat.  After the trials and difficulties of the past few months being able to go to a place neither of us had been and to do things together that neither of us had done before was very special.

For the last couple of months we have been discussing the possibility of getting together with another couple for a kinky, D/s session. On Friday, the planning and the chats i in particular have had with the other sub lady came together. We met in a small hotel bar, and after a couple of drinks and a chat we headed up to a room and, well got it together.

Sir and i have discussed this kind of fantasy for a long time. But discussing and doing is a whole other thing. An exciting, but scary prospect. Finding the right couple seemed to happen by accident when Sir got chatting to the sub on a chatline. She and i spent lots of time getting to know each other online and by text, until we felt we were both ready. On the day, it was the women who were nervous, but trusting our men, we decided to give it a go and i am really glad we did.

It would be true to say that my fantasies have usually involved 2 men rather than another couple as such. i have never before experimented with girl on girl sex and am completely heterosexual. But BDSM for me has always been about pushing boundaries, about trusting my Dom to push my limits while protecting me. My boundaries are now pushed further than i would ever have imagined and do you know what? It was exciting, thrilling and massively arousing.

To be given oral by another woman, while sucking her partner and at the same time receiving anal sex from Sir was the most amazing thing that has happened to me. i struggle to find the words to express how it all felt. Then there was the experience of kissing another woman, touching her and giving her oral. Knowing that Sir found seeing me do these things amazingly erotic and a massive turn on was all i needed. It was the first time either of us had been in the same room as another couple having sex and the first time any of us had experienced anything quite like this. As one point the men discussed that this was the kind of thing that takes place in a video on the Internet. Until then we thought it was.

What a start to a weekend break!

My family

My family have always been important to me  and I have always lived close to them. My parents are still alive, though not in the best of health and I have 2 brothers, both now divorced. Our children are quite close in ages to each other (ranging from 15 to 22), and when they were young, my brothers still married, my parents well and younger and my grandmother alive we were all very close.

Many weekends and holiday times were spent at my parents house, with all of the generations present. My mum would cook a huge roast, or the men (or sometimes I) would be cooking a barbecue. There would be wine (lots of it), the children would play and we would discuss stuff, often putting the world to rights. They were happy times in lots of ways and certainly we have many photos which seem to reflect that.
I think things began to change in 1999 when my nan died after a very short illness. In many ways, she was a glue that held us, prevented bickering and arguments. Stopped people judging and prevented unpleasantness. She was a kind lady who would give her last £1 to you. She lived on a very small pension, but always managed to make Christmas and birthdays something special. She was always up for a challenge; getting into the children’s tent, putting her feet into their bath at bath time with them, getting on roller skates and a skateboard to their delight. 
After her death, things did continue, but her absence affected us all. For some reason things were never quite the same. 
More recently there have been marriage splits, and the older children have of course gone off to University and my nephew is about to join the army. But there are sometimes glimpses of the old days, like at Christmas just gone. My son and two nephews, now old enough to drink, sitting around the table like older men, eating cheese and drinking wine. I was able to glimpse both the past and future. Hopefully family will remain as important to them as it always has been to me.

Anniversary week updates

This week is the first anniversary of when i first met Sir in person. So, i have updated my journey page and changed the about me bit of my blog.

Next time i write about my progress it will be on a new page – for a new year.

A few months in, we discussed where our relationship was going. Sir was worried that i wanted to move from an unhappy marriage to life with Him. He was worried that i viewed him as my destination in some way. Perhaps at the time i did hold one or two romantic thoughts, but He was right. That is not where we were or are heading. From then on our relationship has gone from strength to strength.

Neither of us expected to reach that first anniversary, but we are glad we have. In Him i have found someone special both in terms of being my Master, but also as a friend and lover.

(Sir – when you read this please don’t get the idea i have gone mad or soft. i haven’t. It is just my way of expressing where we are right now).

Am i pleased we met, explored a D/s relationship, had great sex and everything else? What do you think?

Someone who inspires me

I have thought about this for a few days, and have struggled to think of a specific person who I am currently inspired by in all things. In the past there have been people at work, colleagues or managers whom I have been inspired to emulate (and others of course I would rather not). Those who are good leaders, who support, encourage and yes inspire their colleagues to achieve and to perform well.

Right now though, I am inspired by some other women. Women who have taken the step to review and re-evaluate their life and who have been brave enough to do something differently. It seems to me now I have embarked on the path that I have, that there are quite a few such women around. On Saturday I went on a hike into the English countryside, with a group I have just joined. It was open to all, and there was a variety of age groups. Most of the group were women, out of 34 people there were only about 7 or 8 men. Most didn’t know each other, but during the course of a long day people began to get to know each other, to talk about their work, their travels, their home lives. A large number of the women were single, and a number of those happily so. During the day, it was reaffirmed to me that it is possible to live your life differently to the way I have always assumed to be my destiny and what is more, that you can do so with contentment. What you do need though is friends, people who can offer each other support, who can share good times and bad, have fun and perhaps travel.

A photo taken on my walk

As I have said before, my circle of friends had become small and was getting smaller. My life was about myself, my husband and son and a few close family members. With the break up of my brothers’ marriages and the ill health of parents, our social life became even less active and interesting than it was before. Hubby wasn’t exactly bothered by this (or didn’t appear to be). I didn’t expect to need to strike out on my own, but that is what I have done. I am finding that perhaps it isn’t quite as scary as I imagined to widen my circle and to meet new people. In fact it is enjoyable and I intend to do more of it.

Thoughts for the coming week

It has been a month since i laid in the arms of my Sir. Circumstances (finishing my job, Easter holidays, and His holiday) have conspired to keep us apart. In a way it has been difficult, after all no one likes to be apart from someone they care for, but in another way necessary and for that reason reasonably easy to manage. The last week or two at work, required me to actually be there. Also my son returned from university for the Easter break (and will be here for another week). It has been good to spend time with him, particularly as i have quite a bit more of it. Tonight Sir returns from holiday and i feel we can start to think about the week ahead.

This time next week we should be together as we head off for the weekend together. Some plans have been put in place which are not too dissimilar to those discussed by Jake in his blog post today . I won’t go into details right now, but there are plans to do something new and different, something we have discussed a few times, something of a fantasy. Like in Joy’s fantasy, this will be consensual, which is one reason there isn’t much to say right now. We don’t yet know if what we are thinking about will happen. Everything rests on the circumstances on the day and whether we decide to go through with things. But rest assured there will be something to say afterwards.

For me though, next week will be a little momentous. Hubby leaves for a trip to give himself a break, which i hope will help with sorting out his head and i have a whole week of freedom from the invisible bonds which seems to surround me most of the time. He is mainly absent, but in constant text contact, sometimes pleasant and ordinary and sometimes not. Sir has on more than one occasion commented about the way in which i submit to hubby, in a domestic, discipline kind of way Sir doesn’t seek to have me submit to Him. i do it without thinking and then could kick myself, since it is not the way i wish to be. But i guess that years of conforming to a particular way of life will take a little longer to break free from. With Sir’s help, though, i am sure that i will.

The great thing though, is that i am really looking forward to the next week, whatever happens and whatever we end up doing together. Plus is will be fun, and we both needs some of that!

The NHS and healthcare in the UK

So, completely off topic (if there is one on this blog) and in danger of infringing on the content more usual on my other blog (which no I am not linking to) I bring you my take on the NHS and healthcare generally in the UK. This post is brought at the request of Florida Dom.

The National Health Service (NHS) is an now an institution of its own. It was founded in 1948, shortly after WW2. It formed part of something now called the ‘welfare state’, at a time when the country was still recovering from war, when many people were living in poverty and post war rationing still existed. The philosophy of the NHS was (and still is) that healthcare should be provided free at the point of delivery. It meant that for the first time, everyone in the UK could see a GP (primary care practitioner) or attend hospital, have an operation etc without worrying about whether they could pay for it.

All those who provided care within this context became direct or indirect employees of the NHS.

To begin with dental care, prescriptions etc were also free, but within a few years charges were introduced. However, there are parts of the population (children, elderly, people with certain health conditions) who receive all healthcare free.

Over the years, people began to see the entitlement to free healthcare as a right rather than a privilege. Also over those years there have been massive advances in medical technology and in the medicines available. Costs have spiralled, and the demands of the population have grown with them. People seek more healthcare, and demand more from their practitioners. What is more, people often have no idea of the costs associated with providing good quality care and what’s more most people appear not to care. In some cases they think healthcare is the responsibility of others rather than of themselves. They demand the best, to receive the newest treatment and perceive that they and their families should be saved at all cost. However they do not always see that they have a role in preventing ill health and in managing their own recovery. This has led to gatekeeping of healthcare and from there what is akin to rationing. It has also led to a challenge that those working in healthcare have lost compassion for those who they treat, and that what is delivered by the NHS is not as good as it can be.

One of the greatest myths is that the NHS is one organisation. While everyone who is employed is part of the NHS family, each hospital, primary care provider, community provider is a separate (or a group) of employers in their own right. True, there is still national pay and conditions for employees but each of those organisations is run as its own separate entity, with its own budget. The standards set and  expected by the department of health are unified, but the policies and procedures and management structures of each provider are different. This means that the delivery of care across the country is not the same. What exists is a complicated web of organisations that commission (or buy) services, those that provide them and then the different governments that govern them (Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland all have slightly different arrangements from England).

In practice though, for most people the NHS is about being able to see your GP if you are ill, being referred for investigations and having treatment without cost. Medicines are not free unless you belong to one of the groups above (though while you are admitted to hospital all medication is free). You can attend A&E (ER), be admitted, have your life saved etc. at no cost. You can have a baby, see a midwife / doctor regularly during pregnancy and that baby will receive immunisations and checks from relevant professionals at no cost. And so on…

It is what people know, what they expect and it is what people see as their right. The debate over what is free and what isn’t and who can be treated and where is a hot political topic that will be debated for ever. Maybe that’s another subject in itself.

Information can be found here