Conforming to the social norms

I have never been particularly rebellious, except perhaps in my own mind. I like the idea of speeding, but even if I had a really fast car I wouldn’t be able to manage say 100 miles an hour, after all it would make me nauseous.If I finish work early, even if I started early, I feel guilty. I have spent my life doing just what people expected of me, if I am doing something different I worry about what people will think of me.

Suddenly though I want to break the norm. I want to do something out of character, I want to tell people that Joolz – daughter, sister, mother, wife – she is not who you think she is.

I want to be brave. To tell people that actually the person they think I am is not really me.

Trouble is, am I brave enough to ask for, hell to say what I want?

Will people say I am selfish? After all what I want is probably a bit of everything. A bit of my 28 year marriage and the stability that goes with it. I want my job; it has taken 30 years to get to this level of satisfaction and pay. I want my family to love and respect me. I want my son to see me as the mother I have always been.

But I want the kind of experiences I get with Sir. I want to be able to leave town for a couple of days, to submit, to be submissive, to be bound, to be made to do humiliating and sexy things. I want listen to Sir’s jokes, to his knowledge of historical stuff. I want to eat the food he cooks, I want to snuggle up with him and I want to be fucked senseless by him.

Then I want to go home till next time.

A tall order? Selfish?. Yes.

Its what I want, but can I have it?

Probably not

A few reflections

The weekend was wonderful, the longest we have spent together, a special time. I am going to need more time to be able to write some coherent thoughts. For a start, I am quite tired. There wasn’t loads of time spent asleep, also while I feel really happy about all that we did, all that was said and done, my general mood today is low. Rather than be happy for what I have I want to cry for what I don’t have. This morning I am not with Sir and there is nowhere right now I would rather be.

Just as a taster, and so I don’t forget what I need to write about on here (as if I will), here are a few highlights. Arriving, being collared, and put in handcuffs (a new addition to the repertoire). Those wonderful minutes post waking when I had Sir’s cock in my mouth, Sir waking me yesterday with his fingers on my clit, orgasm after orgasm after orgasm, wow! Then there was the outside stuff, the lovely long walk on Saturday, on what appears to have been the first day of the British summer proper! Sir showed me the beautiful area within which he lives, walking on top of the cliffs looking at the wonderful views, then a picnic on the beach was just perfect. Then the humiliating walk I took late that night, along the sea front, dressed as a slut in very short skirt, barely covering my stocking tops, the crotchless thong not covering my backside one bit. Taking Sir’s cock in my mouth, in a seaside shelter, while cars passed us on the road behind and one or two people walked along the seafront.

The trouble with having such a wonderful time is that you just want more of it. Right now I am struggling to work out quite how to get it and that is getting in the way of my happy thoughts. Give me a few hours back at work to put things back into perspective and I am sure I can put anything negative aside and really reflect on the good.

More later.

In the zone

Sir believes i have little trouble getting into the right frame of mind for our times together. He might be right, but then we usually have a pretty long lead in. This time well over 2 weeks. But for someone who leads a reasonably busy but mundane and responsible lifestyle i welcome the opportunity. It is not that i am spending every waking hour thinking about what is to come, but it would be true to say that i have spent a fair amount of time either zoning out of what i am meant to be doing or as i like to think of it, getting into the zone.

We have chatted online each evening this week, discussing, as you might expect, what might happen at the weekend. Tonight, and we haven’t spoken yet, i am pretty much as near the edge you can be. It has been a cumulative effect. Discussions about what i will wear, what i will bring with me, what will happen as soon as i arrive. Then Him encouraging me out of my semi nun like celibate lifestyle into orgasms before sleep and on waking. Last night i asked Sir if i should perhaps wear my butt plug before Friday at some point, he of course agreed.

I put it in shortly after getting home from work, and am wearing it now 4 hours later.

There is nothing like being filled like this, i find, to put me in the zone. i cannot move, walk, even sit without considering Sir and how much i desire to be with him. I know that this is the main reason  i feel as i do right now but it is a wonderful feeling. i know though, that tomorrow without the plug, as i take hubby to his stag weekend, as i sit at might desk working, as i take son to his train to spend his weekend with graduating friends, as i shave, shower, pack then drive. I will be just a short finger or tongues distance from the most amazing orgasm. Of course i also know that before i get that i will be on my knees showing Sir who i am, and where i belong.

i love being in this zone.

Back Sunday!

(Picture by Paul Mcaulay)

Humiliation

There are one or two blog posts around today covering humiliation as a topic. Aisha has a wonderful poem in her post on the subject and sin has been talking about things that are humiliating but within the limits of what  is ok and those that were outside those limits but are now not.

One of the things i learn about myself is that the limits i thought i had, the things i thought humiliating now aren’t.

Many people hate being called a whore or a slut. I also hate these terms when used by people other than Sir and perhaps even by Sir when used out of context. But when he knows i am not wearing underwear and he calls me a slut, i love it. When we talk about my love of anal sex and he calls me a whore i love that too.

On our very first date, on that first night. i dressed in a short skirt, which only just covered my stockings and suspenders. i wore black heeled shoes that i could barely walk in and i walked into a bar and ordered a drink. i sat at a table and waited until Sir who i had barely met in person came into the bar and asked to join me. He had us move to another table with lower chairs where he could observe and touch me more easily and then we tried to engage in normal ‘we’ve just met and are just having a chat’ conversation while he ran his hand up my stocking top in pretty much full view of the bar.

This was humiliating, sir told me later that i was a slut for doing it, but i loved it. The whole time experiencing a combination of blind panic and amazing exhilaration.

My favourite thing about my journey into this new lifestyle is the way in which i am discovering so much more about me. It is a journey that i never expected but which i am just loving!

He likes it!

Sir has read my blog and he likes it. i would admit to having been a little anxious over the last 10 days or so about whether i had done the right thing in sending Him the link to my blog. But last night, he told me he thought it was well written, so much so, he even feels like he was there!

This is a big week for us, because for the first time since that initial night we are going to be together over night, we will go to sleep together and wake up together. i am beyond excited about the prospect. There is something so much nicer after sex, particularly sex which has involved some of the very thrilling things we like to do together, not to have to get out of that bed and drive 100 miles home!

Unfortunately to get to Friday, i have a busy working week. There is only one of me doing my job, and this means that it is easy to get behind. This is particularly easy when you take a few days off, which i did. Things are catching up on me, i have deadlines and they approach fast right now. Still being busy helps time to progress when you are almost beside yourself with excitement don’t you think? I also have hubby organising to do. He is off on his stag weekend on Friday and he will need to be got ready and apparently he also needs me to take him somewhere to meet the groom and other travellers, just when i ought to be at work. i suggested a train but he doesn’t seem to think train are an option for him, even though i can drop him at the door of the station. i’d like to develop a more dominant stance on this, but it doesn’t seem in my nature. Plus there are fights you should have and those you shouldn’t and given what i will be up to by Friday night the latter seems best!

One Lovely Blog

It has been a busy week. Sometimes when i look back on a period of 7 days i am amazed that it has only been a week. This week is a case in point since 7 days ago i was waking up in Barcelona, while we were there we packed lots in, then we flew home and the next day i went back to work. Work is busy right now. Plus there was food shopping, which i would normally do at the weekend and then washing, lots of it. 

In my absence / while i was busy many of my favourite bloggers and some i am only just acquainting myself with were awarding One Lovely Blog awards. So now it is my turn. 
The One Lovely Blog Rules of Acceptance

Thank the person/people who nominated you and link back to them in your post.
Share seven possibly unknown things about yourself.
Nominate fifteen or so bloggers you admire.
Contact the chosen bloggers to let them know and link back to them.

i have been nominated by Aisha, Jake, Fondlers Anonymous and Littleone, thank you to all of you. I am particularly pleased and honoured to be nominated since i am so new to this wonderful kinky world and my blog is only a few months old. 

I am relieved that there only needs to be seven things, i had a go recently at the 100 things list (it is unpublished) but got stuck before i got to 10. So here are 7 

  1. i am a nurse by profession, but have worked in ‘management’ for the last 11 years. i often think about going back to the bedside but the reality is that i don’t think i will
  2. i have 2 brothers, both younger than me. i was always on one hand bossy and on the other let them get away with murder. i have always been someone who does all they can for other people and they are no exception. 
  3. My birthday is coming up, i will be 50. I am a Leo and often display those lion like tendencies. My roar is much worse than any lion kind of bite though!
  4. Hubby was my first real boyfriend. i had a couple of little flings before we got married but after a long courtship (old fashioned term i know) of 6 years we tied the knot. 
  5. It was another 7 years before my lovely son came along. i have loved being a mother and feel proud he has turned out so well. Parenting is a very important thing and something you just have to learn as you go along. i miss him being my little boy but on the other hand like to spend time with the adult he now is!
  6. i love the sea and would love to live at the seaside. i find it has a calming and settling effect on me. i love the look of it and i love the salty wind that blows through your hair. Sir lives by the sea…….
  7. i struggle with my weight. i love to eat and can think of very few things i don’t like. i also like a glass of wine or 3. i don’t like exercising. But here is the thing, i can eat really healthily, i can abstain from drinking and i can and do exercise. Trouble is i am inconsistent and therefore my weight yo yo’s a bit. Restarting zumba this week coming…

As i am new to all of this, though as i have said before not new to blogging, i couldn’t get to 15, i am still building my blog roll but this exercise has helped me find more which is great. i have started to read blogs each day so have cut down my facebook experience (thank goodness)!

The first sub/slave blog i ever read was libby’s a submissive’s musings which i have read so much of. i was intrigued by her lifestyle and while i am not sure i could be slave material i was drawn to the structure and rules she and others live within. 

littleone, at willing slut, apply within, was the first person to leave me a comment on my blog. i love to read her blog and to follow her ongoing journey which is really quite similar to mine.  


kitty – the submissive wife is another blog i enjoy reading and what is more i love the beautiful dress on her front page – weird but true!


Fondlers Anonymous writes so much wonderful sense, she lives her life to the full. i love to read about what she and BIKSS are getting up to and about the thoughts and feelings that go with it. There are parallels between our lives since while she is free, BIKSS is not. 


aisha is another blogger who writes regularly and has some really great stuff to say about her life and its ups and downs. 


sin at finding my submission is someone who writes about all aspects of life whether that is about submission and kink or whether it is about every day stuff. 


Jake at Leather Cuffs and Silken Bonds has a blog that is just so educational to a novice such as me. Also just realised he has also nominated me so thank you Jake


Spanky at Bright Bottom finds some wonderful photos and other links which i love to look through and which i have shared from time to time with Sir. 


Harper Eliot at It girl rag doll provides a mixture of stories, life and art. A great read.

Submission & metaphor and pain’s pleasure, both of whom write beautifully and honestly. What’s not to like?

Directions

We had a very nice online kind of chat. Discussed both of our days and talked through some of our recent real life difficulties. i love the chats about life in general as much as i enjoy our sex chats. Any way we moved on to discussing next week. Not only is hubby off to the far north for a stag weekend of drinking and general bad behaviour but son is off to the graduation party of his mates ( a year in California makes your degree last 4 years and means you graduate after your year). Usually i would embrace a weekend of me time. But given that i now have sir, who wouldn’t think that time with him wouldn’t be preferable.

We talked through what is to be expected next week, the clothes and shoes i will take with me and finishing up with what i will wear when i arrive.

Our relationship is about trust. It is about consensual sex, about knowing what we can expect from each other. That is not to say there won’t be surprises, there aways are.

At the end of the conversation we discussed what i will be wearing when i arrive at Sir’s next week. Then, knowing that i have had no orgasms since our last get together all those days ago, Sir instructed me to go to bed and to cum for him.

Shockingly for me this took just a few short minutes of pussy stroking, clit pressure, clit stroking and a very nice combination of all three. It just shows what can happen when you are told what to do and you apply your mind in the right way! Bring on the real thing!

Quick update

i had a lovely weekend in Barcelona, with good company and some long awaited sun! i have returned with some rare sunburn, i am usually so careful and i really don’t know how i managed to let it happen. Lets just say that it was a very windy day, i went in the sea after lunch and didn’t reapply the cream in enough time. Hopefully by the time i see Sir next week i will be a slightly browner shade of red!

Other than the one day on the beach, we did the tourist thing – at last i got to see the inside of Gaudi’s great Sagrada Famillia and i wasn’t disappointed. i really love Barcelona for its mix of arty culture, good food, drink and the beach. The only thing that made it difficult was my continuing anxiety about my current relationship with hubby versus a desire to be with Sir.

The relationship i have with hubby is fine enough, but if i say that he didn’t seem bothered that we had been given a twin room rather than a double you might get the sense of where we are right now. Our lack of physical contact goes un noticed however and my brother, who we were with assumes that we are fine and we will go on forever. The fact that no one sees what i feel as a general sense of unhappiness is in one way a good thing, but in another feels like a lack of awareness of the needs of others – in essence me.

i have chatted online to Sir. i don’t know if he has read the blog but if he has it hasn’t done anything to ruin things between us. i will broach the subject with him, maybe tonight. A week tomorrow we should be getting to spend at least one whole night together and maybe more. Hubby is going on a bachelor weekend trip and i get something of a breather. i think i will need it.

Not much from me in the last week, but i intend to write lots over the weekend, when time is on my side.

Dear SIR

So today i head off to Barcelona for the weekend with hubby, my brother and his girlfriend, it feels like a good time to tell you that i have been writing this blog. You will have received the url in an email and i hope you read it. By doing so i hope that you can tell, if you didn’t know already that meeting you has had a profound effect on me and on my life. i just want to say, Sir, that i couldn’t be more glad that i stumbled across you on that particular chat site. That we played out that scene that night, that we chatted on the phone and that i was brave enough to turn up when we arranged to meet. In 3 short months you have helped me to find a completely different side to myself.

i started writing this blog soon after, as a place to write about myself and the person i hoped to become. i hope you will agree that with your help i am well on that journey. Who would have believed that i would become such a slut, and what is more your slut!

As you know i would give anything to be heading away for the weekend with you, but rest assured i will be thinking about you and about the wonderful things we do together, the amazing way you make me feel and will be looking forward to us being together for at least a whole night later this month.

With all of my love Sir,
Joolz xxx

The Good (rather than), the bad and slightly bizarre

The best thing about Monday night was the feeling that we could be out on a proper date, rather than meeting for lots of sex and then going home. Well of course there was lots of sex and then i did go home, but still.

The hour before we left for the restaurant was pretty intense, as that first hour together tends to be when you haven’t seen each other for a couple of weeks. Sir reclaims every part of my body and i make sure he knows that i know what i am there for. His fingers between my legs, between the slit of my little split g-string, making me gasp. Lying down on the cupboard while Sir explored me with his tongue. On my knees for sir while i tasted his cock again. On the bed nipples clamped, Sir’s tongue on my clit, bringing me to the edge, again. On the floor in front of the mirror while Sir took my ass. Then lying together on the bed, stroking, kissing.

When we left the room to go out for dinner, i was wearing the remote controlled egg. Sir had to practise the functions on the way to get the hang of it. i just loved the unpredictability of it suddenly sending little pulses through me. The restaurant wasn’t busy, though it was a Monday so the fact that there were a few groups and couples was a good indication that we were likely to get a good meal. We weren’t disappointed. This was actually the first time we had been out for dinner together, usually we have eaten food that Sir has prepared in his house or one time a picnic. The tables had cloths as requested by Sir, but sadly we weren’t sitting in quite the right position to each other to take advantage of that. Still there was the egg, which Sir said he couldn’t tell was on or off (since he couldn’t hear it), i have to say that i could! The food was very nice and the service attentive but not over powering.

We took a scenic tour of the City back to the room, luckily the rain we had experienced on the way to the restaurant had stopped. However there were quite a few people around so no chance for any kind of naughtiness (just as well probably). So back to the room and more quality time together before i headed off home (as previously described).

Tuesday dawned, another wet day (June has been the wettest on record and July seems set to follow suit) as i headed over to the B&B. i arrived shortly after 9am and with check out at 10.30 there wasn’t a great deal of time. Still as if we only ever had an hour or so we would fill it up pretty intensely, and we did! The actual order of proceedings are kind of blurred right now, but suffice to say that Sir claimed each of my holes with His cock. Plus i was given my fair share of orgasms. All in all it was a pretty good start to the day.

The rest of the day we spent doing some fun, but dull weather related activities – shopping (some very nice new red split panties await me as Sir’s for next time), walking, sightseeing (we were in a historic kind of place) and a very pleasant lunch.

As i returned home, Sir safely on the train, me slightly red faced from my encounter with Mrs B&B lady, but my bag safely by my side, i could still feel where Sir had been. A slightly sore feeling bottom and a feeling of satisfaction. That feeling is worth any kind of slight embarrassment. Especially as that lady knows what i know: i am definitely a slut, just a forgetful one!