It would be true to say that I feel really mixed up right now. On the one hand, I have spent two nights and a lovely whole day with my Sir and had the best time. Just spending time together, chatting about random things, visiting places together has become a way of unwinding. The sex is a good as ever, sometimes kinky and sometimes less so; we like the variety. On the other hand, though, I am questioning my actions and the implications of them. I am also analysing the feelings I have for hubby and those for Sir.
I know that I really am at the crossroads to the rest of my life now. What is more, hubby is at his own crossroads.
I have been married to him for a long time, 29 years next month. It now feels unlikely we will reach 30. The problem (other than the obvious), is that while I care for this man very much, love him even, I don’t find him sexually attractive. For months now, we have danced around this. Hubby is intensely jealous of the relationship I have with Sir (stating the obvious again), because I am willing to do things with Sir that I would never consider with hubby. He is of the belief that it is all about size, and while maybe (as they say) size matters, it most definitely isn’t even a small amount of the issue.
I am not aroused by the things hubby does to me, I don’t know when that stopped but it has. Whereas I am very aroused by the things I do with Sir, whether that is kissing, being touched or more recently sucking him. I was never a fan of doing that with hubby, and it was one of the things I was more nervous of doing for Sir. But now, it is something I love doing for Him.
Hubby never really learnt to touch me in a way I found arousing and for some reason I struggled to show him. With Sir, he explored, I expressed my pleasure and before I knew where I was I was asking to orgasm. Hubby complains that I have not ever told him what I want and what I like. Truth is, I didn’t even know what I wanted or liked until the past few months. Quite a confession for a woman of 50.
How then, can we continue a relationship where the attraction is not felt on both sides?
Last night hubby spoke a couple of times about us getting a new spare bed, and him sleeping there when he is home. Unless we sell our house, he can’t afford to move out and we aren’t yet ready to do this, for lots of reasons. It is hard to face the reality of the impending end of a relationship, particularly one that has gone on for so long.
In hindsight, I should have ended the marriage before I embarked on something new. But hindsight is all well and good. Soon I will have to tell people the reality of what I have done and that will be difficult.
Hubby wonders why I am not seeking to spend much more time with Sir. Perhaps in the future I might, though in truth I am confused about what we have together too. I don’t really know where this relationship is going, and actually whether it matters. I don’t know how he feels about me, but again does it matter, since he is there for me when I need him and vice versa.
For a woman of mature years I seem to know very little for sure. What seems clear though, is that there are more questions than answers right now.
In lots of ways I have so much to be happy about, thankful about. I have a lovely Master who takes good care of me, someone who is there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or need a good talking to. At the same time, I have a husband who, while not exactly coping well with what is happening with Sir continues to care about me. I have family and I have friends. I have a payout from work which means that I have been able to invest for my pension and have enough left to take a short career break, go on holiday and get a new kitchen.
I got the link to this OK Cupid submissive type test from L at Willing Slut and seem to have come out as a Servant. Interestingly this is not how I see myself and it is really not how my Sir sees me since I have only cooked for hims twice and the most house work I have done is to wash up after us. But I have spent a large proportion of my life acting as something of a servant to hubby and others. I have this desire to do things for people, to make things right and to keep people happy.
I would like to be more of a submissive, to spend more of my time devoting myself to His needs but given the circumstances within which we live, I suppose I have to be grateful for what we have now.
- I have an orange car – Very useful when you have forgotten where you parked
- I am best suited to a temperate climate since I don’t like to be too cold or too hot
- I like the idea of exercise, but often find it dull. I am a clock watching exerciser!
- I would usually choose savoury over sweet, but just sometimes there is nothing like chocolate – preferably good quality milk chocolate
- Every time I buy a pair of shoes I have to have a blister of sore area before they can become comfortable. It is very very irritating.
- I love to read and recently joined a book club. One of the best things about not working at the moment is that I have time to read. I am currently reading 2 books – Romola by George Eliot (as mentioned on my post about Florence) and The Painted Kiss by Elizabeth Hickey which is for the next book club meeting at the end of the month
- I enjoy those American crime type series like CSI and NCIS. I also like to read mystery type books.
- I love History and finding out about places. I like to imagine how things used to be when I visit a place. I loved to think about people from 100, 200 or whatever years ago walking where I walk.
That’s what He described the part of the afternoon we spent in bed as. In terms of kink, D/s, BDSM: yes that is what it was. In terms of the usual life of me as a woman in 2013 aged 50. It was anything but my usual day.
I had the most wonderful trip to Florence, but being the greedy girl I am, I needed something more. Yesterday I got it.
I got to spend a day with my lovely Master.
I have said before that we live some hundred miles apart and getting together isn’t always as easy as we would both like. Ideally we spend at least a night or two together, but this week that just wasn’t going to happen. So given that he was off work and I am still between jobs, there was an opportunity to grab a day. Even as I was on my way and was held up in traffic while hubby was expressing his anger at my sudden action, I considered turning around and going home. But I kept going and I wasn’t disappointed.
Somehow He is great at measuring my mood (why am I so surprised?) It progressed like this: Cup of tea, walk by the sea, then upstairs to submit to Him.
While I drank my tea we exchanged news, mine obviously was about my trip, but more urgently about my engagements with hubby since I returned. My relationship with my husband is becoming ever more complicated – I will write about this over the weekend; I will have the time and he is away.
It was a beautiful morning, sunny and warm, though a little breezy (and cool if you were out of the sun), it was also a very clear day. Local school children were busy on a little field trip; some of them even surveyed me about my view of the beach and sea. Then, cobwebs cleared, we returned home to Sir’s.
Lying on His bed in my stockings, suspenders and heels, He stroked my clit and pussy before putting the various (nipple and clit) clamps on me. Then, on my hands and knees, He produced the riding crop. Yes he spanked me with it, but briefly. He teased, running it around my thighs, bottom, clit and pussy and then he pushed the handle end into me, twirling it round inside. I was ready to burst in just a few minutes. His fingers found my clit; almost too much to cope with so quickly!
He was determined to possess me quickly and very soon His cock was inside me. I love anal sex and yes that was what he wanted. He wanted to claim me in a way no other man has and that is what he did. I was His.
Did I say it only takes a day? Try a couple of hours!
More to follow….
It is a place I have wanted to travel to for ages. A place that from photos looked beautiful. A place steeped in history. I wasn’t disappointed.
I haven’t spent a lot of time in Italy. Not in comparison to France and Spain where I have holidayed lots. A few years ago, we took my son and nephew to Rome for their 18th birthdays, what a beautiful place. I would say though that Florence comes close. Of course the pope doesn’t live there and there is no Vatican. But Florence is a more relaxed place, perhaps a bit less ‘up itself’, if I can be so blunt.
I took lots of photos and here are a few:
It feels that this last year or so have been about me doing new things, in new ways and in new places. I haven’t actually written a bucket list of things I should do before I get too old or die, but it certainly feels like I am ticking them off.
Lately I have learnt to do more things on my own. It is lovely to go places with others, to have someone else to share new experiences with. But there is no reason why you can’t explore a bit of the world at your own pace. Please yourself.
I have never been anywhere for more than a day or so on my own, and I have never travelled abroad alone. I have travelled mostly when going on courses, often to new places, meeting new people. But those people are usually heading to the same place as me and have work or interests in common. On Friday, I am going off to Florence for a long weekend, alone.
I came up with the idea on Sunday, while waiting for the reappearance of hubby. I shared my idea with Sir, who has been encouraging me to go off somewhere where I can think and recharge my batteries as it were. Surprisingly when I shared my idea with hubby he also encouraged me. Since he is off somewhere this weekend, there seems no time like then. In the UK this weekend is a bank holiday, which means it will probably rain and if it doesn’t everywhere will be very busy. It is not school holiday time though, so flights are reasonably cheap. I spent Monday and Tuesday procrastinating, but this morning, before I had time to change my mind, I booked the flight and hotel. I am staying in the middle of the City and should be able to walk around to see all of the main sites.
Of course, the next thing I had to do was to head to the shops for a guidebook. On the way, I needed to pass a number of clothes shops and so have been forced to buy some new things to wear; it would be rude not to!
I am a little anxious, but very excited. This feels like a whole new element to my journey. I will be in touch with news of what I am up to!