Sex without love and love without sex

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex”

Hunter S Thomson

Sex without love

Sex can take place without love and love without sex. It doesn’t however need to be either hollow or ridiculous. Sex as a transactional act can be mighty fulfilling. I didn’t know that to be the case until I entered into that kind of arrangement with S. The love part of our relationship had been one sided (on my part) if it had existed at all. But after we’d split and got back together we decided that this was how it would be. To be honest it worked better because we (or more specifically me) knew where we stood. It also made it easier to walk away the second time he had the audacity to dump me. The sex was good, but not that damned good, believe me.

I’m not really into one night stands or sex without an element of relationship. But then I have very limited (or even any) experience of this. Really it’s a gut feeling. But I wouldn’t condemn anyone for approaching sex in this way. Whether for fun, fulfilment or work.

What I don’t recommend though is sex for the sake of sex itself as part of a marriage (or other relationship) that’s run out of steam. The sex wasn’t all that good and by the end I struggled to feel anything except distaste. We’d already fallen into something of a platonic lifestyle and sex wasn’t happening much. I know he still loved me but seemed unable to broach the subject, perhaps through fear of what I might say. In the end the relationship went the way of the sex. Looking back I feel sad but not altogether sorry. Our relationship (which is maintained because we have a son) is better. Though he does need reminding from time to time that we are no longer together and so he can’t tell me I look hot (or some such).

Love without sex

There was a time before the marriage fell apart that sex was infrequent but life was fine. I loved my husband and he loved me, but we didn’t have much sex. Life was so busy in other ways that I didn’t mind too much. I hope though that it’s a long time before there is love but no sex in my current relationship. If ever.

Master and I are only too well aware of the changes ageing and illness can bring to our bodies and in turn to our sex lives. Over the 7 years we have been together we have had to adapt and change. During the initial excitement of those early months we had a lot of sex, there was also plenty of BDSM play. When we lived apart, we packed our weekends with activity both in and outside the bedroom. Over the past 3 years though things have changed and evolved. During that time I’ve had breast cancer and Master has had low periods when he hasn’t felt much like having sex. But I have no worries that this relationship will ever become like my marriage. For one thing we communicate better with each other than I did with my husband. Our sex life is more fulfilling even when there are barren periods. Even if we couldn’t have penetrative sex in the future I’m pretty sure we would find ways of giving each other pleasure. So I don’t intend our relationship ship to be one of love without sex, just as it won’t ever be one of sex without love.