Reflections – Judgement

As you might expect, during my period away from home, from work and the daily chores of life i have had time to properly reflect on where i have got to in my life and in what i am currently doing in relation to seeing Sir. At the beginning of the holiday, there were numerous times when i wanted to have ‘that’ conversation with my husband. To tell him that i want something different from life, that i want…what?

Trouble with me is i really do want it all. i am no longer sure i want to break up my marriage of getting on for 30 years unless i have a pretty good alternative. It is not the living on my own i wouldn’t like, it is more the mess i would live behind and the fact i would need to find somewhere to live. i would lose friends, lose the respect of family and much more. i would really hurt hubby.

The alternative (to doing nothing) is to come clean about the affair side of things and to seek an open relationship. This would be my preference, but of course, once i open my mouth to hubby there would be no turning back and i could find myself rapidly in scenario one. As the week went on, and we were able to talk, laugh and to have some fun (though no sex), i realised that perhaps for now it is best to keep the status quo. i don’t really seek to change my life significantly, Sir lives quite a way away and my job and my family are here.

My biggest problem is that i hate the deception. i have been the one to be deceived and i didn’t like it. In the past i have been able to hold the moral ground, as i could always say to hubby that whatever else i had done, i had never slept with another man. During the last 6  months though, i have had enough sex with another man to constitute 3 years of sleep! No moral ground for me now then! i hate the idea of being judged when all i am doing is finding something of myself in my 50th year. i feel i deserve that deep down, but trouble is that i know that life is not that simple. People will and do judge. People judge each other when they don’t even really know each other, let alone when they are friends and family. We all have moral standards and values, and i am no different.

When i started this blog, i was very fearful of being judged by the community that i was seeking to enter; hence my disclaimer at the top of my blog. My take on this was that i judge myself already and don’t actually need anyone who reads what i write to make those judgements too. Until now, i have found the BDSM blogging community to be pretty tolerant. Personally i love to read about the lives of my fellow bloggers, some of the things they have done have led me to consider new options for myself and Sir. Littleone and Fondles both bought corsets and then i got myself one which Sir loved. It is the stories of spanking which have led to more spanking taking place in my scenes with Sir (we have both read blogs where lots of spanking takes place).

But there is plenty of what i read that i don’t want for myself and Sir doesn’t want for us. We may discuss some of these things, we make judgements. i wouldn’t go to other peoples blogs and tell them that their choices are rubbish and that they are wrong to have taken them. i might join a discussion about them, but when i write comments i try to be kind. i have without exception, found people commenting here to be kind people.

Some of those who do comment (i am making a judgement here), probably disagree with the idea of me having an affair while still married to hubby and while he is in the dark about things. But if they do then they don’t show it and for that i am grateful. This doesn’t mean that people have to agree with what i or others say, people can and do express their thoughts but tact and kindness is key.

Since i am still on leave from work, and hubby is not, i had plenty of time yesterday to catch up with all the reading i had missed on my favorite blogs. i was surprised and upset by the events over the past few days at finding my submission where judgements were expressed in an unpleasant way. i am pleased to say that many fellow bloggers showed their support for sin and that those events led to a number of posts by sin, aisha and sfp at jumping on in about blogging and the extent to which we provide a support group for each other and don’t judge when perhaps we should, about anonymity and about having opinions but just being nice about them.

As usual, something not so pleasant has led to lots of discussion. Trouble is, that in the original post, sin was trying to express some concerns about her relationship with her Master which like mine is extra marital. Those concerns got lost in lots of other valuable discussion, but left sin and others feeling wounded (i am making a judgement based on what i have read). So i guess that after this long ramble what i am saying is, by all means judge, but be nice when you do it, and don’t forget the original message.

Back

France was great, though the weather on some days was less sunny and warm than i may have liked. I managed to swim in the sea though and to walk miles. I also ate some very good food and drank some lovely wine. Back to the diet asap! My world has been refreshingly vanilla. I make no excuses for admitting that other than a few email exchanges with Sir and some thoughts about what He might choose to do with me in those surroundings (slutty escapades in the outdoors, making use of the slatted railings to the mezzanine floor which served as our bedroom to name two) I have been in relaxing mode. I can’t really explain how tired I felt before i left these shores, but it was very weary indeed.

I feel pretty refreshed, well i would be but Sir suggested an early morning skype this morning and i was too eager to see him to say no (not that i am good at turning him down at the best of times). We haven’t done the skype thing before, and i was a bit reticent about him seeing me when i had only just woken up. But then i thought, how silly, he has seen me when asleep, let alone newly woken! We were a little naughty on there, but what are two adults to do when they haven’t laid eyes on each other for 3 weeks and have another week to go.

One of the best things about having been away, with limited contact to each other is knowing that we have missed each other. It does the heart good to know that while i have been thinking about him, he has also been thinking of me. It reminds me of how much he means to me now, and what i mean to him. Counting down now to next Thursday. Much more of that in the days to come….

Interlude

From tomorrow afternoon, for a bit over a week, this will be the view from my door. On that table will be wine, cheese, baguettes and a host of other goodies. i am going to stroll along that beach, swim in that sea and i am going to generally let myself unwind. My thoughts will probably frequently turn to Sir, thinking about what he might be doing. i will also reflect on some of the wonderful things we have done together over recent months and begin to think about the future times we will share. Mostly though i will read, catch some sun rays (there has been something of an absence of sun and warmth in the UK this summer), eat some nice food, drink some nice wine, walk, chat with our friends who live nearby and unwind.

Work has made me tired, it has been busy, but also we have the stress of knowing that from April 2013 structures of our services will have changed. When i return from my break i will have to start the process of applying for jobs (my own if it exists, or another if it doesn’t). This is a good time to pause, reflect and recharge.

When i return i will have a few more days off, which i will need to catch up on everyone’s blogs! See you then!

6 month review

In the health service, which is where i am employed, appraisals, 6 month reviews and one to one meetings with your manager are now common place. This wasn’t always so; you could go for years without being encouraged to pause and reflect on your progress. Another thing that has changed over the years is the tendency for people to be congratulated on the things they have done well, rather than to be reminded of what they have done wrong. This is progress as far as i can see.

i am about to reach something of a milestone in terms of the relationship i have with Steve. i will call him that in this post (possibly interchangeably with Sir), since he has revealed that as his name. We are approaching our 6 month review – 1st October will mark the 6 month anniversary of the first day that we chatted online. Since i will be in France on 1st Oct (hubby and i leave on Monday for a 9 day holiday), today is the day for my review.

Everyone has said that i have come a long way since then, and they are right. i almost feel like a different person, different but perhaps the same. i am still the caring wife, mum, daughter and friend. i still feel that i hold in so much of myself, that they don’t know the real me – maybe that is more true with them than it was then. Since i have a new part of my life, new experiences that none of them know about. But at the same time i have a whole range of people to share with. With Steve of course, and we do share a lot with each other, about our ordinary vanilla lives as well as TTWD. But i also have a lovely group of fellow bloggers, most but not all of them fellow women, fellow submissives who are themselves on some kind of journey (some at the beginning like me, others further along), all of us managing our day to day lives as well as our relationships.

At the start of this, i knew deep down that i was submissive, and that i needed that side of me to come out. i knew that i was curious about bondage, about exploring pain and its association with arousal, and i wanted to find out about D/s relationships. i could hardly have foreseen, however how many new experiences i would have had or how much it is possible to be fulfilled by them. Steve was nervous posting comments here as he thinks i have built him up as some kind of super person, and that by showing himself, i and others would be disappointed. Maybe i have portrayed him as almost perfect, but then i am kind of smitten by the relationship we have developed together. Plus i have little to compare him with (except hubby and they are not alike in any way). Of course no one is perfect, so he shouldn’t worry. Also since i only see him every few weeks and since we don’t have to face the daily grind together i barely need to consider his short comings, and anyway they are not related to what we do when we are together. I have found a friend though, someone i can confide in, someone with whom i can share my hopes and fears. Someone i can be honest with. For me, Mrs secretive that is a big thing.

The other big thing for me is that finally, as i approach middle age (i read this week that middle age now starts at around 55, so i have a way to go), i am sexually fulfilled. If i say that sex has been one big let down i would not be lying. i always knew that there was more to explore, but i really didn’t know just how much. When you read books, it is hard to tell how much is for real and how much is invented for the story. i didn’t have much else to go on. Hubby and i were both virgins when we met, our sex life has been dull (particularly for me) and even when he strayed into an affair, little seemed to have been learned. It is not all about him, i have not been good at expressing my needs, i have not exactly encouraged us to find out what they are. He is more interested in his own needs than mine, but at the same time i have not really helped. I now know what i like, think i like and am pretty sure i will give most things a go (within reason). Steve has helped me to explore my inner slut, and boy is she beginning to show herself!

Our most recent conversations have been about the extent to which i am developing into something of a pain slut. Who knew that would be something i would embrace quite so well. He thinks a riding crop would be a good next step. i think why not? We have some dates for the next couple of meetings which always does wonders for morale, as for what we will do, where we might go and what scenarios may be played out who knows? I am sure there will be a corset, there will be some implement with which to spank me, there will be something to tie me to his lovely bed and there will be lots of kinky sex. Also though there will be nice food, laughter, chat about nothing in particular and there will be time snuggled together just touching and kissing.

I have loved the last 6 months Sir and i am looking forward to more.

30 Days of Submission – Days 18 and 19

Time for days and 18 and 19 of submission. This series is feeling longer than it did at the beginning, not that i am sure why i didn’t realise this since 30 days is pretty much a month. Any case doing them 2 at a time seems pretty sensible right now!

Very often the stereotype of submission is that the submissive person loses the ability to have an opinion. While that clearly isn’t true except in the absolute rarest of occasions, how does communication factor into your submission and how do you communicate your desires and needs?

Lots of discussion and planning goes into deciding on what we might / will do together. During these planning times i freely express what i desire and or need. We play out scenes, or just discuss what will happen. If we are playing out a scene online for example, then He will take the lead as he would if it were happening in real time, but there will be more discussion. On one side i may suggest something and he will pick it up and follow through, or else he may gently push me so that my limits have changed by the next time we meet. 

We don’t have the kind of relationship where by he is telling me what to do all day, often we don’t communicate for a few days, then at other times there will be emails, texts or be will chat on yahoo messenger. We have settled into this routine and i think it suits us right now.  

How socially connected is your submission? Do you look for others to talk to about your submission for support or networking? Do you go to events or connect through another sort of social grouping either in person or online?

i don’t have anyone within my everyday life in whom i can discuss my submission or any other part of the relationship with Sir. This is why blogging has been such an amazing revelation to me. I love finding out what my fellow bloggers are up to, contributing to their blogs and having everyone visit here and leave their thoughts and comments. 

I have had a few online chats with people i have met on fetlife and through blogging and that definitely helps. Friendships develop over time, not over night, but i expect these to develop a bit more over time. i have to be careful contributing to online discussions on fetlife, since on some forums people are very judgemental about relationships which take place outside of marriage (if one or both of the parties are married to another). 

i haven’t been to any munches etc, and would be nervous to go to such events on my own. i think Sir and i might go to them together if it wasn’t for the fact that we live a bit too far apart. At present i can live with the lack of social input, but i think that in the future i would like that to change. Discussing TTWD is one thing, and discussing the fact that this is conducted outside of my marriage is something else. Putting the two together might be a step too far. 

Corsetry

The two pictures below were taken by Sir last Wednesday. A couple of hours later he had tightened it twice and the back was pretty close to meeting in the middle. Sadly no pictures of that this time. However given that a month or so ago i couldn’t do the thing up at the front at all I am feeling pretty pleased.

30 Days of Submission – Days 16 and 17

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

This is the first time i have submitted to anyone in this way. That’s all i can say on this question

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is everything as far as i can see. From our first meeting i felt able to place trust in Him, but of course when i look back that was nothing to the way i am able to trust Him now. On that first day, i broke all the rules of meeting a stranger in a strange place. No one knew where i was or who i was with. Also we had sex and lots of it on that first meeting. We had spoken on the phone before that day, lots. i trusted my instinct that what i was doing was right for me. That’s not to say that i think others shouldn’t be a little more careful. But i wasn’t born yesterday, and neither was he. We were adults going into this whole thing with our eyes open and our wits about us.

Over the 5 months since that first meeting the level of trust we have in each other had grown and developed. The biggest thing about my submission for me is that i can leave my usual roles and responsibilities at the door. i am his to do with as He wishes and in order for that to happen i have to trust that He will keep me safe. 

As Littleone noticed and commented on, i have invited Sir to be a contributor on this blog, and he has accepted. i am hoping He writes something soon, and i am trusting that He will write something pretty good!

Day Trip Part 2 – The Corset

Despite the fact i knew it fitted i tried the corset again on Tuesday, the day before my visit to Sir. This didn’t seem to make it any easier for us to get me into it on Wednesday morning. BUT once we had fastened it, and Sir had tightened the laces it seemed very big at the top (maybe my whole weight loss is from my boobs i thought to myself as i lay on my back). This was despite the fact that i was at that time tied to each corner  His bed. But no. Even though i know this happened to Fondles, i wasn’t alerted to the fact for some time that we had the thing on UPSIDE DOWN! I was looking for the suspender hooks that the internet site said it should have, when i found 2 around the boob area and another 2 under my armpits. Oh how Sir and I laughed at our mistake.

Once we had turned the thing around the right way and Sir had tightened it a couple of times i began to realise what a wonderful, sexy garment a corset can be. This led to me spending the entire day in just a corset, stockings and suspenders. i felt sexy, i felt ready at all times for Sir’s cock and for anything he wanted from me. Once he sends them over, there will be a couple of pictures, which He took especially for me to put on my blog.

This morning, 3 days after the events of that day, i have to admit that my thoughts are a little confused. Not because i can’t remember what happened or what effect it all had on my but probably because i can remember. It is hard to think what happened in what order, what senses were heightened and when.

Pain featured much more than it has to date. Spanked with his hand and then the lead which was attached to my collar. Spanked not only on my bottom, but also across my front, only served to make me amazingly wet.

He had me tied to his bed and blindfolded, he had me tied so  my wrists were tied to my ankles, he put the remote buzzing egg thing inside me, attached a nipple clamp to my clit and fucked my backside. I can barely describe the amazing orgasm that erupted from both of us after that one.

All of the time though, i was aware of that corset. i was aware of the effect it had on me – the way in which it made me hold my body, the way in which i looked and felt. Plus of course the effect it had on Him. Even more than ever it helped me become the play thing he wanted and needed. I felt like a sex object on legs and i loved it. If i have been on a journey (as described here on this blog), then i am now quite a way along the road to my destination.

Sitting or standing in the kitchen, in just corset and stockings, while he prepared me lunch or made tea or while i washed up felt erotic and was. Feeling him come up behind me, stroke and caress my bare backside and stroke my clit; what more could a woman want in life? 

Day Trip

For reasons which were mainly work related, i visited Sir for the day this week rather than stay over night. This meant a very early start, but i mitigated the effect of this by travelling by train rather than by car (ok i have said this already).

The clothing style was kind of business wear. I am a smart casual clothes wearer for work rather than power dress. But given the 7-8lb of weight loss, a shortish straight black and grey skirt was looking pretty good on me. This was accompanied by a white blouse (with black bra), black seamed stockings and black shoes. A new leopard print kind of cardigan set off the outfit, give the coolness of the morning.

I arrived in London slightly ahead of schedule and so got on an earlier train. I texted Sir to let him know and set him into a slight spin, whereby he had to mobilise himself a bit more quickly to meet me. But it did result in an extra half hour together, which we were both glad of.

An hour and a half train journey allows a woman to drink her coffee, apply her make up, read a book, observe the scenery and still arrive at her destination in time for a late breakfast. Of course if she is meeting her Master half an hour before that final destination she can expect some serious enjoyment on that last leg.

“Now wearing her ‘fuck me’ shoes she sat opposite the man dressed in the double breasted suit. After 2 or 3 stops the only other person in close vicinity was the woman sitting directly behind her knitting. As their eyes met, she opened her legs, revealing her stocking tops and the hint of a bare pussy. He reached across and stroked her leg, his hand reaching up past the stocking top. She gasped as his fingers found that she was already wet.

By the time the ticket inspector arrived to check their tickets the man in the suit had already brought her close to orgasm, her skirt hitched up around her waist, her legs spread wide for him. And once the lady and her knitting had left the train and they were alone in the carriage he not only brought her to orgasm but she had knelt down before him and sucked his cock.

All too soon, they arrived at their final destination. she straightened her clothes and, slightly wobbly on those high heels, she climbed down from the train. Next stop was His house, via the supermarket for a supply of croissants”. An early start, plus such excitement before 9.30 am makes for a hungry Master and his slut!

Episode 2 –  The corset follows soon.

30 Days of Submission – Days 14 /15 The Train Journey

first of all lets get day 14 over with, then we can move on to the more interesting day……
 
Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar? 

I am no expert on religion, whether related to submission or not. It is not that I haven’t been brought up to believe in and respect God, but more that I do not conform to religion without question. I have only knelt in church because I have been following a group of people doing so; indeed I am not someone who needs to attend church to believe in anything. I value the moral values that religion brings with it, but feel that there are too many people out there twisting religion to meet the beliefs they have. I felt that getting married in church was important to me at the time, but then it was a tradition to do so and I did many things around that time to please my parents. 

I don’t believe that i can be a religious submissive for another reason – it is not my husband that I am submissive to and therefore I am no ‘good wife’. Yep that absolves me from this one as far as I can see.

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

It has evolved alright. i am almost a different person to the one i was in April. From the beginning of this i have embraced new experiences, but i wouldn’t have believed that i would do some of the things i willingly do now. Humiliation and pain have probably been the areas where the greatest development has taken place. Until recently i didn’t even know that i would be able to stand being spanked with the lead attached to my collar, or that i would love to have my nipples clamped. If someone had told me in March that by September i would be travelling on a train wearing a tight skirt, seamed stockings and heels to meet a man who would within the hour have me tied to a bed while he spanked me, i would have declared them mad.  

But yesterday i not only did that, i exposed my bare pussy on that train, allowed my lovely Sir to stroke me and bring me to orgasm (with his permission of course) and briefly sucked his cock (shortly after the ticket inspector had checked our tickets). 

There is much much more to record here on my dear blog, but i need a day or two to get my thoughts in order. So bear with me!