Is it worth it?

There are going to be 3 distinct phases to this weekend. The first which has already started is to do with preparation and about coping with hubby’s feelings about it all. The second will be the time with Sir and the third will be after, characterised by a major psychological come down and also whatever hubby’s reaction is.

It is around a month since i was last with Sir, so there has been plenty of time to think ahead to ‘next time’. After a visit i spend a week or so longing to be back with Him, a week to 10 days settling back into my normal life and then the rest of the time thinking ahead again. For hubby this final phase of the thinking ahead is very painful. Last night he told me more of these feelings; of humiliation, anger, fear.

i felt and feel terrible that i have inflicted these feelings on someone who i actually do love and care about. This has led me to wonder if it is really worth it? Hubby focuses on the sex in his mind, he constantly thinks about the fact that i will be having sex with another man, and that i will find it more fulfilling that the sex i have with him. i can’t deny this to be the truth, but actually i would be happy to focus on hubby when we are together if he wasn’t quite so fixated on Sir. We discussed whether i should go, and hubby told me he thought i should. i on the other hand lay, after we had finished talking, thinking about the whole thing.

It isn’t just that the arrangements are made and the train tickets bought, that i feel that i am compelled to go to Sir. It isn’t just that i know He can fulfil my needs. i have come to value my trips to Sir to escape the life i currently live, to gain a few days of respite. i believe hubby and i have crossed a line whereby it no longer matters if i go or not, the damage from his point of view is done. He will continue to say what he says, he will continue to be hurt for the foreseeable future and he will continue to go away to visit his own friends. It emerged last night that he appears to have someone on the scene himself, though not for sex. i need him to be happy, and fulfilled in life, not for my benefit, but for his. i told him last night that in my opinion the problems lie with me, and not with him. He is unable to make me feel as i want to feel, and we both know this to be true.

So i will go, i will get my space, i will submit to my Master, i will be fulfilled and will i hope fulfil His needs. Then i will return and pick up the pieces of my marriage, again.

i don’t take this lightly, but at the moment i am compelled to carry on, because right now it seems to be worth it.

Sexuality and submission

Over the last year i think i have thought more about sex and sexuality than at any time before that. Perhaps it is part of discovering who i am, perhaps i have just spent more time thinking, reflecting on life and how to get the most from it.

The American Association of Psychology of sexuality says that:

“Sexuality has three stages: Desire is an interest in being sexual. Excitement is the state of arousal that sexual stimulation causes. And orgasm is sexual pleasure’s peaking”

When i think about being sexual, i don’t just think of the actual act of sex, along with foreplay and aftercare, i think about what it really truly means to me. Preparing my body then, getting dressed up for my Master; shaving my body for him, making sure i am clean and wearing the kind of clothes that he finds exciting and arousing. This in turn starts to turn me on.

The longer our relationship has gone on, and the more time we have been able to spend together, the more i find that acts of submission to him, and of his dominance of me have brought out the sexuality in me. i know that submission brings desire to both of us and makes us very aroused. He releases his very large cock as i kneel before him, He touches my pussy and remarks how wet i am. He calls me a slut and i gush forth even more. Reward for both of us ultimately is orgasm.

When you read more about sexuality, then most authors immediately turn to sexual identity, about whether you are gay or straight etc. But i was wondering if BDSM and D/s in particular can be forms of sexuality in themselves.

At the risk of getting a bit deep, i had a look a bit further and found that Michel Foucault wrote in The History of Sexuality, that the concept of what activities and sensations are “sexual” is historically (as well as regionally and culturally) determined, and it is therefore part of a changing “discourse”. The sexual meanings (meanings of the erotic dimension of human sexual experience), are social and cultural constructs.

i must admit to copying and pasting the above paragraph, but when i was writing a dissertation for my Masters degree a few years ago i spent quite a bit of time reading about how so often beliefs are socially constructed. Foucault featured somewhere in there and i always thought i would read more about this. Maybe now i will and in the context of sexuality.

I was brought up to believe that i was sexually equal to a man, but in reality i never felt comfortable with making the first move, with taking any kind of control much less telling my partner what i was i wanted from sex.This is in complete contrast to the rest of my life where i seek control at all times. It is interesting then that since discovering this side of me that i am getting better at doing those things. That at last i can let go of what i believed my view of the world should be and start to construct something different. A new view.

I am not sure i have been clear at all in this and may have to come back and change some things.  For now, it would be nice to have some other people’s thoughts!

While the cat’s away the mouse goes shopping

Things round here have swung from one extreme to the other. i remember, that before Christmas, i was feeling rather claustrophobic as hubby expressed his undying love for me by barely letting me out of his sight when i wasn’t at work. He sat beside me on the sofa, held at least one part of  my body during the night and he constantly wanted to take me to bed. Things have moved on considerably and now he seems to rarely be here. He is giving me space apparently, space i neither need nor especially want. Also since i am rubbish at covering my tracks, his snooping has paid off, giving him more ammunition for when he is here. He has discovered a receipt carelessly left in a bag in my wardrobe, he has found snippets of emails on my phone (mainly from this blog, though he doesn’t know it) and he has found an email to Sir that mysteriously appeared on my ipad even though i didn’t own said ipad when it was sent. That email was sent when i was on holiday and was a picture of my dinner that day, it contained nothing more incriminating than a couple of kisses after my name. i should be better at not allowing myself to be discovered, but then while i understand the desire to snoop i wish he would mind his business. The crux of the issue is that while i told him from the beginning that i wasn’t prepared to give Sir up right now, he, of course thought that a bluff. Now that i haven’t given up he repays by being out on 5 nights of the last 7 (some of which involve an overnight stay).

Next week will be my turn. i was going to spend 2 nights with Sir, but since hubby has declared he will be out on the Friday night, i am now going to spend 3 with him. This will be a new record for us. i plan to travel by train. This is because it means i don’t have to drive on the road to hell on a Friday afternoon, it means i can read and chill out and it means that Sir can join me for the last part of the journey and some naughty things may be able to happen!

This afternoon after hubby left to visit his friend somewhere reasonably far away, i decided to go shopping for something nice to wear for Sir. It is interesting to note that when i am going shopping for clothes that Sir might like to see me in, i generally have to visit different shops from my usual favourites (the exception would be the business skirt / blouse), and i have to admit that i often feel both old and fat in these places. i know i am neither, but the average age of customer in River Island where i just bought a skirt seems to be around 21. Also sizewise, and considering there are lots of over weight young people it is not always easy to find anything above a UK size 6 (a slight pain for the UK size 14 on a good day). Still after some rather intense time spent at the fashion rails in the various trendy, young shops i have come away with a very nice short little black skirt and black, slightly see through top (which i can’t find online).

Returning home, i have tried on my purchases and in my opinion will be very acceptable to Sir when accompanied with some stockings and heels. I have hidden these at the back of the wardrobe and i have managed to dispose of labels, bags and receipts.

Let the count down to next weekend begin.

Insomnia by proxy and other ramblings

According to Wikipedia, insomnia or sleeplessness is the inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep. Thankfully, it is not something i suffer from all that much. i have to be pretty anxious and wound up before it stops me sleeping. Sadly this is not the case with my husband; he both struggles to get off to sleep and then after just a few hours he wakes. Some may say that this is sure to be all my fault, after all i have put him through some rough days and nights over the last 2 months or so. But actually this has been a frequent problem, probably exacerbated by his fear of my leaving and further ruining his life. Plus my snoring (yes folks, in this house the snorer is me)

Don’t get me wrong, i am sympathetic. But actually it is hard to be all that amenable to his needs when my own sleep is  so disturbed. This very morning i noticed his absence when his alarm went off at 5.15 and Liza Minnelli told me that ” life is a cabaret old friend”. Not from where i was lying it wasn’t. Hubby was no where to be seen, and had been downstairs reading for sometime. i haven’t slept since and it is now 7.20. Still there is a silver lining, all this at least gives me time to read more blogs. Plus time to try to work out msn / live messenger or whatever it is called. Sir has met and is getting to know some new friends there and i have been trying to join in, but getting very frustrated along the way.

He has some very grand, and very very kinky ideas going on in his head. These ideas are slightly on the scary side, but extremely appealing to a kinky slut type girl (well woman of mature years). i would love the chance to discuss these potential plans, involving another couple, but that messenger thing has changed since i last used it. These days i also have yahoo and skype, so all this is a slight step too far (even though i am reasonably techy). All we are looking for is for the 4 of us to be able to have a conversation, together, all at once. So you can see how much i needed my sleep, what with all of that going on last night.

Sir and i have discussed a number of fantasies involving other people; whether it is about others watching me in my humiliation, seeing what Sir is doing to me or of course me to Him. Other times we have discussed the idea of involving others in our games. i don’t yet know what he fully has in mind (since i was too frustrated for a meaningful conversation last night) or indeed if we will all get on. But this feels like a whole new phase to things. What is more He is very excited and i love him excited!

Cock worshipping through skype

Even though i would love to, i am unable to see, feel, smell or taste Sir’s cock every day. Even though it has been a couple of weeks since i last saw Him, i am fully able to visualise and to remember as i lie in bed of a morning or night. i love to imagine that i am touching His smooth shaft and that my hand is firmly placed around it as i widen my mouth in preparation to take him within. Sir has a large cock which is more than a mouthful, which means that when i do have It in my mouth, i am forced to give it my full attention. Sir of course loves me to worship Him in this way; why wouldn’t he. He is my Master and i am His sub, His slut.

Recently we have used skype as a means of chatting and also as a way of being able to see each other’s bodies as we do so. Sir loves to see my underwear, He loves to see me undress and to show him His possessions, the holes where he loves to put His cock. He loves to see me touch myself for Him, while i tell Him that i am a slut and a whore and tell him how much i love to feel His cock inside me.

In turn, i love to see Him stroke that lovely, big, fat cock. i love to imagine i am kneeling before him and that he is forcing it deep into my throat making my eyes water. i love to imagine running my tongue up and down its shaft, to be sucking him. i love to think of how it smells, to taste his precum as it emerges. As He strokes, He does so in a way that says – look at me, look at my lovely cock, look i love it as much as you do – and that makes me even more turned on and even closer to cumming for him.

While i look at Him through the means of this modern technology, i yearn to be there with him and i think ahead to the day when i will be. Skype isn’t the same as being in the same room, but it certainly helps me in my worship of His cock.

The lovely Spanky has started a new Cock Worshipping Subs blog and i have become one of the authors there. i am going to cross post this post there.

Picture from Simply Black and White

Inspiring Bloggers


tori at Pains Pleasure has nominated me for this lovely blogging award. The various blogging awards are a really nice thing, as often the nominees are to blogs i have never read (as well as many of the great regulars of course), and that means more places to go and more inspiration to be had. This award is about inspiring bloggers, and there are quite a few people in the blogging world who definitely inspire me. What is more those people have been there for me in my darkest hours recently; they have encouraged me to carry on, to follow my journey, to find fulfillment as a submissive woman.
The rules this time are:
Display the award logo on your blog

Link back to the person who nominated you
Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link back to them
Notify said nominated bloggers
List 7 things about yourself
Some of the blogs that inspire me are:
  • Willing slut, apply within – L struggles with her own journey, but is always there to encourage and support
  • Finding my submission – sin is also finding life tough right now, but somehow hangs on in there
  • Pains Pleasure (back to you tori) – i just love reading about tori’s world both kink and vanilla
  • Fondlers Anonymous – so much in common with lovely fondles, plus our relationships begain on the same day
  • Sir Q and me – fiona writes a great blog, describing life with her Master so wonderfully, she often comments here and i really value her support
  • Finally finding ‘me’ – lovely abby who also visits frequently and who sends us all lots of hugs. She also writes some lovely descriptions of her time with her Master
  • Bright bottom – I must of course mention Spanky’s blog, after all he has helped me become a CWS. Whats more, i see he is starting a blog for that very topic!
  • Leather cuffs and silken bonds – I love to read about Jake and joy’s life together, to read Jakes tasks and see his great photos. Plus he often comments here.
Ok, so i know that’s not 15 and i know there are more. i may well add to them later.
Things about me: (apologies if i have mentioned any of this stuff before)
  • i am something of a last minute person (this explains why i am currently typing this with wet hair when i should be getting ready for work), but i always do what needs to be done and i do it on time
  • i love cooking, but until recently was rubbish at cakes. Recently though i seem to have found some recipes that work and i am enjoying the challenge
  • i have worked for my employer the National Health Service for 32 years, but suddenly i am under notice of redundancy. Still hopeful of a job by the end of March though
  • i am facinated by politics and during the last election i became a member of the Labour party in the UK. i have been out delivering leaflets for them, but am not interested in forcing my views on this topic on anyone else.
  • i have 2 degrees, both obtained since my 40th birthday
  • i would love to do more study and if i am made redundant i might well do so. It won’t be health related though, perhaps history or philosophy
  • i was thinking of buying some new boots, but yesterday i cleared out a cupboard and discovered i already have 8 pairs. Still that’s not too many is it?

Random thoughts for a Saturday afternoon

Last night, i was out on a rare night out with my really good friends from work. 3 of us went out for a Greek Meze with lots of wine. Concequently, now my regular Saturday chores (shopping for food, a bit of tidying and some ironing) are complete, i have my feet up on the sofa.

Increasingly at the weekend hubby is away for at least one of the days. His actions seem in direct contradiction to his words. He says he wants to keep hold of me and to spend time with me. His actions suggest he doesn’t really want that. One evening this week while we discussed the situation we are currently in with regards our relationship, he said that as soon as he found someone else he would be off. He said that in his opinion i couldn’t speak to him about important things and that this meant that our marriage was not only over, but he went on to accuse me of ruining and wasting all 28 years. That night, at around 3 am, i woke to find that he was wide awake and was coming on to me.

To say this is all quite confusing is a bit of an understatement.

i am not sure when we stopped discussing our thoughts and feelings with each other. Nor am i sure exactly when i started to feel as i do when he touches me. Deep down i know he is correct when he says that we are on a slippery slope out of our marriage. But for everything it is still hard to let go. i am confused that when Sir touches the same parts of my body it feels just so different to when hubby does so. i guess that even though i don’t understand, it tells me what i need to know.

Time to myself, does give me space though. And space is something i have been longing for.

I have been checking into quite a few of my favorite blogs today (i was awake very early this morning due to too much wine and too much food), so caught up on some reading until i could drop back off to sleep.

For the love of a submissive is a tumblr blog i read and look in at regularly. There are often some very nice pictures there; today is no exception. The author speaks today about rules and about how He doesn’t have many rules with his ‘muse’ as he calls her, since they are in a long distance relationship, and that D/s is something that takes place in the bedroom. But goes on to say that when they are together, and they are in the bedroom (as it were) then they have plenty of rules about what she must call him and how she kneels and presents herself.

This whole blog post rang very true to me. We also have no actual rules that i follow when we are apart. At times i have worn specific clothes and underwear (or not worn underwear) at His request. This does give me a massive thrill, but can’t be continued all of the time. We also have no orgasm rules (which i know many people do). Rather He loves it when i tell Him that i have orgasmed while thinking of him. This morning, after i had finished my reading and i was thinking, i got out my trusted buzzy rabbit toy and did just that. The great thing is that it was probably that wonderful O, while thinking about my lovely Master that helped me fall asleep for another hour or so.

When i am with Him though, things are very different. i am expected, and always do ask for my orgasms. Mostly he is very good to me and my request is granted, though of course i am made to wait when He thinks i am getting much too much of a good thing. He wants me dressed appropriately, He wants me to be ready so He can use me and he wants my legs open when possible. Last time he even told me off for lying in bed with my legs crossed. i love to be ready so that He can use me as He likes and i like the rules He imposes.

If he is awake at 3 am and decides to stroke me, to wake me and to use me, then i am ready for him (even though i don’t necessarily want to be woken out of a lovely sleep), and i know that that is the difference right now.

Anal sex – a fulfilling taboo

holdyourorgasm:  http://holdyourorgasm.tumblr.com/

If someone had told me a year ago that i would be having anal sex with anyone, much less enjoying the experience i would have told them that they were completely and utterly mad. Yet here i am full in the knowledge that i really am an anal slut.
It remains something i struggle with, since, even though no one actually ever told me that that was wrong, i still conformed to the belief that in some way it is dirty. Even though this was the case, i seemed to take little persuading that it was something i should try. Sir loves the idea that it is something that only He and i have done together, and that until He came along i had a virgin arse. In turn, i too love this thought and feeling.
It helps put me in my submissive place to feel like the slut, the whore that HE craves. It helps me find my submission and it helps me to feel that what i am doing is special.
The experience of the past 10 months or so has meant that i have learned to give myself to my internal anal slut and to find it easier and easier to be aroused and to orgasm during anal sex. We are told that there are fewer sensory receptors in the anus than in the vagina, but my experience is that if this is true, the body can be fooled and actually orgasm comes more easily this way. Perhaps it is psychological and it is the fact that it is something i shouldn’t enjoy in the way i do. Maybe it relates to the fact that i yearn to do something different with Him, to please. Maybe it feeds my inner slut.
But there is no getting away from it. I really to love this part of TTWD!

Role play

i have always had something of a vivid imagination, so the fact that Sir does too and that He likes to play those fantasies out is a real turn on for me. On the first night we chatted, we role played a scene where i was an estate agent, coming to value his house and somehow we ended up going out for dinner. He loves the idea of a woman in a business suit, featuring a white blouse, wearing  black underwear, stockings, suspenders underneath. He loves high heels. That first time that was what i was wearing for dinner in our fantasy.

Since then, i have been a maid, a prostitute, a woman pulling a man at the airport and much more. Last weekend i was a religious woman who only knew of the missionary position for sex until she read 50 shades of grey. This had opened up a myriad of possibilities for her.

The black skirt and cream blouse would have suggested nothing if not combined with seamed stockings and shiny black heels. She knocked on the strangers door just as the bells rang for Sunday worship. She should have been there not here, but she had seen this man before and actually she wanted to know him better. He was a sole that she though could be saved. She had heard that he had a number of weaknesses that could be fixed. So here she was.

He invited her in. It was a cold morning and he was very friendly and definitely a humble soul who admitted he had sins which required forgiveness. Of course he wasn’t fooled. One moment she was sitting timidly on a chair in his living room, the next she was on her knees sucking His cock and the very next, bending over being spanked. Perhaps the lack of knickers were the give away, but then how did he quite get his hand up her skirt without her running away? Rather than being a turn off, the feeling of his bare hand on her bottom was a massive turn on. She felt sure that any moment the juices erupting from her pussy would run down her leg. His wonderful fingers found her clit and brought her within moments of a beautiful orgasm. Just as she was going to ask him to carry on, she felt His very hard, very big cock inside her.

 “Oh my” she thought. “This is what i have longed for”
Instead she protested (rather weakly). He told her He thought that she was in fact a slut who was loving it. Of course that was exactly what she was.

Next He was pushing into that forbidden place. First with his fingers, which felt rather arousing, and then He was pushing that big cock into her. She tried to protest, but actually it just made her clit and her pussy throb all the more. Actually this was what she wanted. And He knew it. 

She had been found out. Rather than being the pious soul she had proported to be she was in fact a wanton slut who had knocked on a strangers door hoping for sex of the kinkiest kind. What is more she had got just what she needed.

As she left His house she noticed the church bells were silent. she hoped no one had noticed her absence this morning!

Pain and pleasure

i have always known that there is a fine line between something that is pleasurable and something that is unpleasant, painful even. That sometimes you have to endure a little pain in order for the pleasure to be revealed. The pain of childbirth for example, which is immediately followed by the overwhelming feeling of pleasure as you hold your baby in your arms. But before i began on this journey, i had little experience of pain in a sexual sense. i had little idea that my body would respond in the way it does to pain.

At the beginning of our relationship, we were both a little reticent when it came to pain and Him inflicting it on me. We had anal sex pretty much immediately, and that was a little painful in the first instance, immediately giving way to pleasure. But Master didn’t rush to spank me or cause me pain in any other way. That has come gradually as we have explored my limits and He has grown to recognise my needs.

One of my first experiences of the pain / pleasure duo was when i put clothes pegs on my nipples, during a telephone conversation with Him. He could immediately tell i was finding the experience pleasurable, even while i was still feeling pain and when we next met, He introduced nipple clamps. These have been one of my biggest sources of pleasure, and even as He puts them on my, i have an urge to open my legs wide for Him as my pussy gushes forth. Squeezing and biting my nipples has a similar effect, very useful for reminding me who and what i am.

Increasingly Master is using various implements (recently a belt) to spank me and again i find the experience unpleasantly painful and wonderfully arousing at the same time. i particularly love it when he gets close to my pussy with the swipes of the belt which turns me on so much.

This past weekend, i found pain a great way to level me and reintroduce my mind and body to my submission. He had me telling him time and again about the slut, the whore that i am. While i could feel pain, whether from being spanked, pinched, squeezed, clamped or as his cock entered my needy body, i felt the juices flow from me, and the arousal within me. It felt like i had come home.

That is probably why i have struggled to get myself back together this week and why i am missing Him and my submission this week. i would give anything to get some pain and pleasure right now!