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Journey’s end?

This journey

Yesterday I had some time to sit and think about my blog. About the journey I began over 6 years ago when I started writing. I pondered whether that path had reached its conclusion. At the beginning I had no idea where I was going, if anywhere. All I knew was that I needed something different in my life. Something more than I had then. I understood this was to be a journey and thought I would know when I had arrived.

The two relationships that were in place back then are history. Extracting myself from my marriage of 30+ years has proved harder than I imagined. That journey has been painful and emotionally draining. But he is now happily living in what was our home with his (not so) new partner. Recently I attended his mum’s funeral and saw them together. It was clear that they have a strong relationship, something he denied to me for a long time.

Last night I mentioned to Master that I wasn’t sure about continuing this blog, because my journey is complete. But is that true? For him, my moving in to his home as his 24/7 slave has greater meaning than I understood.

Being his Slave

Over the past few months I had almost forgotten about that element of our relationship. Of course, I wear my collar and cuff and my piercings are a constant physical reminder. Our sex life is always a reminder of the M/s nature of our relationship. But during the busy and very hot days of June and July we didn’t have loads of sex. Preparations to move meant we spent lots of time at my place, but we were busy and everything we did was about working towards the move.

The first week or two were a period of adjustment but gradually we are settling into something of a routine. Only now though am I able to see the subtle changes that are coming to be. Even as I considered whether I wanted to write my blog any more, even as I uttered the words about the journey, I knew.

Over the past couple of years being Master’s slave has in the main been about what we do in the bedroom or play room. Not about our every day life. I am, as he often tells me an unruly slave. Rebellious, open with my thoughts and feelings, often pushing back against any attempt to control me. That’s easy when you have your own home and don’t live together. Also when you are financially secure and don’t need to rely on another.

Now though things will be different and what I have discovered is that he is excited by this. He loves the fact I am here with him, he wants to have more control over me. Also that I will be more financially dependent on him (though I have my own money and may yet get another job). He enjoys taking care of me, cooking and so forth. I also want to take care of him, and find my submissive self reawakening.

We had some very hot sex last night and again this morning. It is often during those moments of heightened arousal and passion that the truth is spoken. I clearly saw in myself, particularly last night a need I had forgotten existed. Over the coming weeks I fully expect to need to articulate this much more. What better place to do so than here on my blog.

The end of the journey? I don’t think so.

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What you see is what you get

This week, Food For Thought Friday has asked about anonymity online;  to what extent do we hide (or indeed show) who we really are.

As those who know me in real life, or have met me at some event will know, I am reasonably open and out there. The person I write about is completely me, since fiction is not really my bag. Stories are often based on me, or my fantasies. Which is probably why they lack excitement and drama.

Julie really is my name, though MPB isn’t. Well it is to one person and he doesn’t need to read anything to know who I am. I wasn’t creative enough to develop my own clever pseudonym and anyway wasn’t all that troubled about people knowing my name is Julie. Of course there are a lot of people, mainly of a similar age with my name and so I can remain relatively anonymous. If you knew my surname, that would be different, I am the only one of me on Facebook and I have never met another. There is no need for anyone on my blog or Twitter to know my surname, unless I am buying something from them.  For the Smut Marathon I gave myself the name Jones, which goes reasonably well with Julie.

As I grow older, and as my career comes to something of a close, I am less worried about discovery as a sex and kink blogger. No one is going to sack me now. However I do have people to protect, those who wouldn’t want to know and definitely wouldn’t understand. So, best I retain that final bit of anonymity. After all, it will also serve as protection to me, from myself.

One of the questions asked as part of this was: is your anonymous/pseudonymous online self a secret or more a form of protective “camouflage”?

The answer is probably the latter.  I show much of myself on my blog (in words and pictures) and am open about who I am to those who meet me. But still I wish to retain something of a screen. Yes camouflage.

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What the camera sees

I loved the little cabin room that we stayed in near Lake Bled. It provided us with lots of photo opportunities, most of which have now been shared.

This image though was a selfie, that I took of myself. Afterwards I noticed that I also captured Master in the bathroom, getting ready for bed.

A great Sinful Sunday memory that hopefully fits this prompt for this month.

Sinful Sunday
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Settling in

Another Saturday and another day spent sorting and unpacking things in the summer heat. Settling in to my new life is going to take time.

On the whole, I am enjoying coming in from work and having my dinner cooked for me. No need to decide what to cook or eat, no worries. And yet, I am not sure that is how I want my life to be. Nor, will it be like this as we move forward. I had a slight moment on Wednesday when I panicked about having no role. But in truth it is part of readjusting to life as it is now. Anyway, within a month things will be different.

I am now in the final month of my notice period. I have begun to sort files, delete old stuff and tie up loose ends. Luckily the person taking on my job is someone I know and work with so the hand over should be straight forward. The good byes will be more difficult and the leaving do a little poignant. We are going to look at a possible venue after work on Monday, my birthday.

Moving on

This month really is one of good byes and moving on to a new life. Yesterday was my mother in law’s funeral. For the first time in 4 or 5 years, I saw my father in law and my ex’s family. While a sad occasion, as she died suddenly, it was also pleasant. I enjoyed seeing everyone and chatting to people I was once quite close to. I came away feeling that this was all part of ending my old life and moving on to the new one. Another part of settling in.

Perhaps things happen as they do for a reason.

So, to this blog.

For the whole time I have been writing it, the blog has been about a journey. About self discovery, about moving on and finding my place in the world. Latterly it has been about finding my slave place, about our sex and kink life.

There is still more of that to do, but this feels like a defining time for me. Will the focus of the blog change? Will I write about different things? What do I actually want to write about?

The past month has been a whirlwind of a time. We have been so busy that there has been precious little sex and kink. There has been no real time to write the blog, even if I had felt inclined. Now though I need to get myself back on track, probably through some of the memes.

Please though, dear reader, bear with me while I find my new place. While I am settling in to my new role, find time and the words to write.

I sense there will be exciting times and lots to say.
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

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Reconnecting

This photo was taken on holiday last month as we lay together on the bed after a bath. This tender moment is reflective of some time we have been able to share this week.

As mentioned in my previous post, I moved in to Master’s house this week. After probably 3 years of planning and preparations the moment finally arrived. We are getting used to being together full time. I am still working at the moment, so there are times a part but by the end of August we will be together much more.

For me, this week has been about finding places to put my stuff and adapting to my new life.  I am happy to be in this position, but know it will take me a while to properly settled in my new life. However, I have come home to him of an evening and we have eaten dinner and also enjoyed a couple of jacuzzi baths together.

For him though, I can see this is about something a little more profound. As Master he wants his slave with him 24/7. He wants to be able to care for her and to have her there to use as he wishes. This weekend, I know he feels that his slave has arrived and from now on life can be as he wants it. We are both practical people, and neither of us are living in some kind of romantic dream world. But moments like the ones we had this morning when he was able to reclaim me in the way he wants and likes are important. There was no photo of that time and the one above is about as close as I can give right now.

Sinful Sunday
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New life

I feel embarrassed that I have written nothing of any note on my blog during the whole of July. Today, it is already 26th and other than 3 sinful Sunday posts, nothing.

But, I have excuses, good ones.

This week our new life together has begun. As of Tuesday this week, two whole days ago, we are co-habiting here in His house. That is to say I have a new home and it is going to take some getting used to.

The past few weeks have passed in a blur. Earlier in the month I hired a skip. My brother and son came over and we spent a day filling it with things in the house that were surplus to requirement. It was a big skip and there was a lot of stuff. It was a happy, fulfilling weekend and I was satisfied at the end of it that I was on track.

Then I got ill. I followed advice on the NHS website, delayed seeking medical help and then was denied antibiotics. Apparently I didn’t have an infection. Except I did. So, I lost a week from work, from preparing to move and from being able to do much at all.

Last weekend then turned into a mad rush of packing the last things, then getting ready for the actual move.

He and I have worn ourselves out this week. The temperatures have been stupidly hot and we have had no time to enjoy the weather. Tuesday went smoothly but at the end we were exhausted and I went back to work on Wednesday.

This weekend we can take stock. Unpack and properly get ourselves sorted. It will be a little while before I am ready to blog properly again. There is much I want to and will say, but not yet. However, we are here and we are here together. Our new life together has begun.

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Frolicking in the garden

Two weeks ago, while the weather was sultry we took advantage of the situation and environment and frolicked in the garden. In 27 years I had never walked completely naked outside, never had sex in my own garden. That night I did both. This is one of the photos he took that night.

Sinful Sunday
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Master on the balcony

This photo was taken earlier in June when we were on holiday. I love it when Master poses for a Sinful Sunday, even better that this one is in Italy. We travelled to Slovenia, but spent a couple of nights over the border in Italy. This was taken on one of those nights. The following morning it rained, and so there is no complementary photo of me, as we had hoped.

Instead, I give you Master on the Balcony, I would ask you to comment on his skinny legs, but that, would be bratty!

 

Sinful Sunday
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Summer exposing

At last the temperature is rising and we can wear clothes that show our body. To the delight of our friends and lovers. Holiday is the right time, the best time to show yourself to the man you love.

Sinful Sunday