Struggling with the inner me

Struggling to cope with my life this weekend. A weaker person might throw in the towel, one way or the other, but i am not a weak person. i am however struggling with my inner voice, the one that alternately tells me to tell hubby the truth and then to keep up this facade.

i haven’t heard from Sir since Friday. i am a little annoyed about this, though i know it is probably because he is busy with his children. i expect we will chat later tonight, but again i am fighting my inner voice that wants me to ring him, text him, email him or all three. i just sent an email with a link to a website i think he might like and saying that i hope that he is having a good weekend. But i want to say so much more.

Last night i drank too much; some wine, followed by two G&Ts. i started on hubby but he knows better than to rise to me in that situation. i shouldn’t have had the gin, it brings out the inner me and i need it hidden right now. Luckily, i was very tired and sensibly went to bed.

i suppose i never thought all of this would be easy, but at the same time, i didn’t realise how difficult it would be to keep the inner me in its place. Question is though: am i doing myself a disservice by keeping it out of site?

Emotional Attachments

It is probably impossible to embark on any relationship without an emotional attachment forming as time passes. Up until now, i have tried to keep those thoughts from my mind (unsuccessfully at times i will admit). Yesterday, for me, seemed different. Yesterday evening i was almost overwhelmed with feelings while lying in bed with Master. To the extent that i wanted to say things that i am not sure it is yet time to say.

We started in the way described in my previous post and quickly found ourselves in the bedroom – i was wearing the new lovely lingerie Sir had bought, also wearing some new killer heels i had bought specially. i was collared, clamped and tied to his bed. Once i was allowed my first orgasm they just came one after the other and within an hour he had claimed me – he is the only person i have had anal sex with and this is way of laying claim to my body. He was (and i told him) very dominant and i was particularly submissive; we are getting better at our respective roles.

After a very late and very pleasant meal provided by Sir, we retired back to bed and picked up pretty much where we had left off. Sir is massively attentive to my needs and he spent so much time yesterday making sure that those needs were being met. That in turn meant i was better able to meet his needs. Until yesterday Master had not orgasmed inside my pussy, but that is what happened, with me on top in the most wonderful way, as instructed. I also overcame my gag reflex for a pretty significant (imho), and well performed deep throat fellatio.

We then spent a couple of hours (broken by some tea and chocolate at some point during the early evening) just lying there kissing and touching and that is when i just wanted to tell him that i loved him.

Having feelings for a man that is not your husband is quite a tricky thing to consider. Even when you have entered into a socially illicit relationship with that man. i didn’t really go looking for someone to have a specific relationship with. He offered me the opportunity to try something new, to explore new perspectives in my mind and body, and boy have i? i am not sure if i expected to develop these feelings, i didn’t really consider it. Lying there with him, and overwhelmed by those feelings, i struggled to understand whether i felt that way because i had just experienced the most amazing sex or because they were real feelings. For this reason and because i am kind of nervous of broaching the subject with him, i said nothing.

Well nothing is not quite true. He had said earlier about all of this being ‘a bit of fun’. i had agreed, after all, we are definitely having lots and lots of fun at that moment. But while we were lying there and i was feeling as i was, i said: ‘this is more than a bit of fun isn’t it?’ He didn’t answer, but he did kiss me again, deeply and for a good period of time. Definitely not time to discuss feelings at that moment.

This morning, i am over 100 miles away. I wish i was still with him, and i was this close to not getting out of that bed last night, he certainly reluctantly let me go. The feelings remain, but then i am still turned on, still wet. My nipples and pussy is still sore, my arse still remembers what happened.

Where is this going? Who knows? I still feel great love for him this morning and for now that will suffice!

In a day or so, i will write something about this in ‘the journey’ page.

 

Preparations

Since that first night we have seen each other about every two weeks. The time between those meetings is spent reflecting on what happened last time or sometimes a combination of that time and others, then thinking about next time.

Next time is tomorrow. This week we have spent considering that day. What time, where, what will i wear to arrive, what will the rules be when i arrive?

Other preparation takes place at this end, shaving and general preparation of my body for Sir. Getting clothing and any required toys ready, buying stockings. For Sir, maybe he tidies up his house a bit – he is living a bachelor life after all. Also he thinks about what food we will eat; that man gets very hungry between orgasms! So he goes food shopping.

Tomorrow i leave straight from work, a half day. i will drive to him dressed as i have been at work, i will stop at a service station about half an hour from his house and reapply makeup, put on stockings (unless i decide to wear them all day but that depends on the weather) and remove my knickers (unless i decide that crazy course of action to go commando in the first place).

As soon as i enter Master’s house, and we have kissed as i know we will. i will submit and be his. i will be on my knees, he will put on my collar, and i will suck his cock. At this point i will be where i belong and i will be who i am.

For more, you and i will have to wait until after……

Sir went shopping

He told me online last night that he had been shopping, buying things for me. i felt really excited when he told me this as people rarely buy me things when it isn’t my birthday or something. i knew he had been looking for lingerie that he wanted me in as he showed me some stylish red underwear on Sunday, and he asked me for my vital size as he called it. While we were chatting he was disappointed because the red bra in my size was out of stock. Now he has been to a shop, in his lunch hour. He has been thinking of me, while in a shop in his lunch hour and he has bought me lingerie.

He started off saying it was a surprise, but then sent me to the links. It is stylish, but not red. One set is black, the other white; yes, there are two sets and one black suspender belt. The stockings are my department (how i laughed at that, i am tall and he knows i struggle to get them long enough!).

i was feeling tired last night. i woke really early for the second day in a row (5am is no joke) and i had to do an evening focus group with people who have recently had cancer (that is part of my job). The focus group was interesting, but it was draining. Even though i have worked in healthcare for a very long time, their stories are difficult to hear. Often good stories about their care, yes. But also stories of when people are just too busy, stories of when people just don’t think before they open their mouths. But also stories of the pain that goes with having cancer or being the significant other of that person.

i had also been thinking about Sir much of the day. Thinking because we are seeing each other Friday. i am taking a half day (time owing as i have another focus group Thursday), but i haven’t set up my excuse for being late with hubby, haven’t actually told him yet. i was wondering on my way home, about the whole idea of travelling so far for a few hours of fun and games when i will be tired. i was wondering if i am just crazy or something.

But then, after a late dinner, knocked together while hubby sat glued to two foreign teams playing football, i made myself go online and chat to Sir. i was rewarded by feelings of care, generosity, thoughtfullness and of course ulterior motive. i was suddenly less tired, less weary. Instead i was wet, turned on by his words and by his enthusiasm. This i thought is a man who cares, who wants to see me, and because of that i will throw off the thoughts of the day and i will go to him on Friday afternoon, for as long as we have together. It is going to be great fun.

All Quiet

All aspects of my life are pretty quiet and low key this weekend. Sir is camping with his son and the Scouts some place in the south of the country. He is out of contact, as he should be. i know that when he creeps out from the Scout camp he is partying with friends. His life is much more interesting than mine (as you might expect). My son is staying with his UK University friends and is attending end of term festivities and probably getting drunk. My husband is making the sofa, on which he has taken up residence, sink in the middle. The Euro Championships (football) have started and will keep him occupied for a couple of weeks!

The sun is out and though it is cool, rather than especially summery, it gives me a good feeling. i have been able to get on with some gardening at last. Yesterday i spent a theraputic couple of hours pulling all those weeds that grow when you get a cycle of rain, sun and more rain! Today i am going to buy flowers to fill my garden with some more colour.

After last weekend, for a few days this week i felt a bit down. i thought maybe i was suffering a bit of subdrop (having read about this on some other blogs lately), but actually it was probably nothing more than PMT. Often before my period i get a feeling of overwhelming unhappiness and impending doom. Because of my age and the fact that there is more chance of a UFO crashing in my garden than me ever being pregnant again i don’t always attend to dates, so the arrival of said period yesterday, took me by surprise. i am cheered that timing this month was good and i am further cheered now by the lifting of the PMT. i am also cheered by the prospect of flowers, of sunny weather and of the opportunity to chat to Sir later and perhaps plan another get together.

Sometimes quiet is good.

The challenges of the online world

I have been blogging since 2006 and still have another place that i write my thoughts (mainly to do with work related stuff), though i have been bad at updating it lately. In the past that blog has received quite a few visitors and through them i have visited lots of other blogs and read lots of very interesting and informative posts. when i first started exploring the D/s lifestyle one of the first thing i did was to look at and read blogs. Lots and lots of them. I find other people’s lives, even when they think they are doing quite dull things, to be really interesting. Maybe i am nosey, or maybe i like the fact you can make ‘friends’ with people online. Indeed some of my Facebook friends are from my online blog community. i don’t get many visitors here yet, but that is fine. i am writing most of this stuff for myself so i can go back and look later to see how my journey is progressing, my thoughts and feelings etc.

In all my time blogging i have never had one of my posts completely stolen. So i was really shocked yesterday to come across this post on Submissive Sanctury. Lil does write beautifully, so i guess if you were going to plagiarise, her’s would be the kind of work to take. But when you proport to be writing about yourself and your life why steal the lives of others? Do some people just not have their own original thoughts. Lets face it, it is easy to take the work of others from the internet, but why not ask someone if you can reproduce something, or as i have done, link to it?

The other type of place i go to online is to some of the various ‘lifestyle’ forums. After exploring 2 or 3 i have decided i quite like Fetlife. I have found though that peope can be just as judgemental there as in any other place (real or online). It is interesting to me that people who may find themselves judged by others for their beliefs and for the way they conduct their lives can themselves lay judgement on others. Sex outside of marriage without the consent of ones spouse is a particular area that gets people going; this makes it wise, for a person like me, to choose carefully how i contribute if i don’t want to be shot down in flames (which i don’t). The good thing is that i have found a new online friend who is in a similar position to me, though further forward, and i have joined a couple of groups on fetlife that are more sympathetic to people such as me.

The online world is not substitute for real life, but it sure can be an interesting place if you know where to look!

Play it again Sir

One of the nicest parts of a day (or night) with Sir is the ability to prolong the effect by discussing the events online. Last night we spent some time doing just that; exploring how each of us felt when we were doing different things and replaying our reactions to those feelings. This is one of the ways that this relationship is very different to any other i have had before, another is the extent to which Sir examines my expressions as he applies different stimuli to me. He is also open to discussing the effect that then has on him, and the pleasure that gives him.

One of the main things we talked about last night was the relationship between what he does to my nipples and the effect that has on my clitoris and pussy. He told me he loves to watch the expression on my face as first prepared my nipples for the clamps, then applied them. He is not really into giving pain, but is loving the wonderful effect just the right amount of pain has on me and my submission. As i become more aroused i spread my legs that bit wider, i am just that bit more his submissive slut and that for him is the biggest turn on. This was most evident for me when he tied me to the tree. i was then unable to move my hands or arms, but as he applied more stimulation to my nipples i was inclined to open my legs wider for him as i felt the orgasm begin to build inside me. This morning i have found this article which confirms what i have always believed about the link between a woman’s nipples and her genital organs.

One of the other things we discussed (again) was how i am progressing in my ability to take his cock in my mouth. I think he is pleased with my progress because he was able to get pretty deep without me gagging which is real progress. We talked about maybe another day and another tree, where he might tie me in a good sub position where i am at the correct level to take him so that he can perhaps complete this area of my training. I am definitely up for this.

Of course the other big thing we discussed was the disused picnic table. The fact that it put me at just the right height for Sir. The fact that i needed to lie right at the edge (though he was impressed that i thought his cock was longer than it is). The fact that for the first time i was able to lie on my back for anal; a first time for me and actually the best position so far. I think from Sir’s comments it was pretty good for him too!

We talked about meeting at this place again – Sir lives 2 hours away in good traffic and currently doesn’t have a car – during the summer. I like this idea very much!

A day in the great outdoors

Yesterday fully lived up to my expectations and more. For some reason sex outside is one of the things i have always wanted to do. It would be true to say i have previously indulged in some masturbation with a male friend in the past, but nothing on the scale of what Sir and i got up to yesterday.

Having dropped hubby and his friends at the races for their own day of gambling, drinking and observing the Queen i headed off to a railway station a few miles away to collect Sir. On the way, i stopped as instructed and put on my stockings and suspenders underneath my summer dress. Amazingly i managed to put on seamed stockings, with the seam straight while sitting down! Driving with my skirt around my waist (as instructed), stocking tops showing, i felt conspicuous but found it something of a turn on. Sir was most pleased when he got in the car, giving me a taste of what was to come by stroking my pussy and clit and finding me already wet (predictable i’d say)! He then put on my collar to signify that we had begun the day.

Sir had done his homework and navigated us to a car park on the edge of some woods where i was instructed to suck sir’s cock and received some very nice foreplay. Sir helped me off with my bra and then out came the nipple clamps, which he applied before we trecked off into the woods in search of a secluded spot. This particular area is a great place for walking with our without your dog, mountain biking, horse riding, picnicing (you get the picture), but people stick to the paths and within minutes you can be in an area that people are unlikely to come across you. We found such a place and settled down with our rug, picnic and supplies. Sadly it was a bit chilly to completely strip off, but it was that secluded that i would have.

The next several hours were spent doing some very nice and some very naughty things. Sir spent a very long time exploring how he could give me pain in my nipples and then bring me to the edge time and time again. This was done in all positions and also tied to one of the trees. It culminated in a very big orgasm which i can’t even quantify. He then applied the clamp to my clit and played with my nipples then fucked me giving me the best orgasm i have ever had during penetrative sex. There was also food, sir as usual had bought some very nice things for us to eat and we also had some lovely time just kissing and holding each other.

As the afternoon drew on we packed up and took a trip around the pathways to the car (not by the most direct route) and several times sir stopped us to either suck his cock or for him to touch various parts of my body which was easily accessible to him in a loose fitting dress with no underwear.

The finale occured in an area containing a picnic table whch looked like it hadn’t been used for food for a very long time. Probably because it is situated in an area that you are unlikely to find (unless you are the kind of explorer Sir obviously is). This is the place then that Sir chose for us to have our final anal sex of the day and boy was it good? Last time, a tummy problem meant i was unable to enjoy anal sex with sir, but yesterday i really enjoyed it. As i get more used to the sensation and am able to relax into Sir’s wonderful cock i feel i am getting closer to being able to cum myself while sir is inside. Sir said himself that he could tell i was close and wondered if i was going to ask to cum. Not quite but maybe next time.

So that was the day in the outdoors. We drove off to a local pub and drank coffee in the garden. i went off to the toilet to make sure i looked presentable and to put my bra on (i needed it by then as my nipples were quite sore and sensitive, as they still are) and then we headed back to the station.

I had a great day which completely lived up to my hopes and dreams and which will stay with me always.

Rules and Punishment

Sir and i are in the early days of our D/s relationship and so far there are few rules. The few that have been ‘negotiated’ (i am not even sure why i typed that word since he told and i do) are as follows:

 

  • Always wear glasses when with Sir – i usually wear contacts but Sir prefers glasses. I am happy to comply since he and i share a bit of a fetish in this area.
  • Always wear stockings when with Sir – i am not yet sure how this will pan out in the height of summer; we’ll see if there is any negotiation outside of the house etc. These stockings must always be of the type that need a suspender belt.
  • Be prepared to assume the submissive position on my knees and to suck Sir’s cock, possibly before i have even got my coat off. Sir is quite cheeky, or else eager; last time i was with him he gave me a very welcome mug of coffee (i had driven for 2 hours to get to him) and told me to sit down, then let me have just one sip before i had to take his cock (not that i am complaining you understand)!

Other than that, he calls me joolz when we are playing, in a scene or he wants to let me know that we are about to play. I call him Sir.

New rules will appear as we go along as they did last night while chatting.

Sir – what are you wearing
joolz – just a skirt and top (not changed after work)
Sir – knickers?
joolz – yes
Sir – you know you must never wear knickers when chatting to sir
joolz – what?

This is a new rule, not discussed and never mentioned. Sometimes he makes me go and take my knickers off during a chat and the other evening to insert a butt plug. But as to what must always take place no. i know though why he introduced it last night, it is because he wants an excuse to punish me. and because i am happy to be punished tomorrow i am not arguing!

We have some great ideas for tomorrow and what will happen and when. I am hoping these come off and i have a good blog post for Sunday! The weather is meant to be good so i think i will be stripped in the forest (save the stockings, suspenders and shoes), i will be wearing the collar that Sir used put on me for the first time last time we met and there will be nipple clamps. And there will be some punishment; perhaps spanking. Bring it on!

Almost too excited

Two events will happen at the end of this week. The first one will be when my son arrives home from the USA on Friday. He has been studying in California for the last academic year, though he did come home for Christmas. We went over to see him for his birthday in February, meeting his American girlfriend, some of his friends and taking him to Vegas!

Saturday sees hubby going on an annual day to the races which will enable Sir and i to have a day out in the great Britich outdoors (please let the weather hold)!

So i am almost too excited to work (though of course i am functioning fine at work). i am anxious about getting the son’s room ready in time (carpet arrives Thursday; yes i am cutting it fine). Plus Sir and i are almost over planning the day we will have (online and this morning on the phone). Sir has in mind some naked outdoor play, some bondage, nipple clamps (if he has bought them), lots of naughty sex, food (there will always be food as sex makes Sir very hungry) and fun. We always have fun.

In a way i dont want to get Friday over – i just want it to arrive. Your baby is always your baby and i so want to see him. But a day with Sir. Well I want that too!