Reflecting on days gone by

Master and I have just returned from a night away. We didn’t travel far, just 25 miles or so to the area I grew up in. We had arranged an evening out with my two brothers and their partners, and on the spur of the moment we decided to stay over in the same hotel as the elder of my two brothers who lives a bit further away.

Near to my home town is a market town which is purported to be the resting place of King Harold. It is a place where my nan lived and that I have many happy memories of. We visited the church, a former Abbey apparently 3 times the size it is now. When my son was little and my grandmother lived in the middle of town, I visited often. We would walk around the church and in the gardens that she loved so much. We would go and look at the swans and ducks on the river and she would reminisce about life there during the war and since. It is 17 years ago this summer since she died, but as I walked around the church and gardens yesterday it was as if she was there with me. 
Later we had a lovely meal with my brothers. It would have been better if the music had been less loud. It was a shame, since the old tunes which the live artist sang were just the kind of thing my nan would have loved. What is more she would have been up and dancing given half a chance. 
As you can see from the photo, the weather could have been a little better!

Updating on things

The past couple of weeks were a little troublesome.  There is a need to get on with things relating to the past relationship and in selling the house. After this post, a conversation then meeting with my son took place and he made it clear that he felt closure was needed. The idea of being given life and relationship advice by a 25 year old was to say the least interesting. But I did take it on board. Funnily enough this has coincided with some of the challenging interactions with Master and of course they are likely as not linked.

There are some things to be done in the house before it can be sold and these started this week. It could be 7 or 8 years since we replaced the bathroom, but until this weekend the bath had no side panel. According to my mum it one of the things that my dad used to complain about, when they visited, directly linked in his mind to the lack of effort my ex put in to looking after the house. He was right, hubby didn’t do those simple things, in this case because cutting around a few pipes was difficult. On Saturday we went to the hardware store, bought what was needed and he cut out the bits that were necessary. It looks amazing and I feel stupid that this wasn’t done before.
Next Friday I am meeting the ex to discuss time frames for selling the house. The need to get on with things grows in me. I want to sell up and start the next episode of my life.
Master and his girl discussed the arguments that have taken place over recent weeks and agreed that these are trivial and unnecessary.
We had a mostly relaxing time but that time was interspersed with time where this girl wore her bitch collar, was without underwear and at times was naked. There were a lot of orgasms and there was some pretty good sex. 
More importantly though, there was time for submission. For a reaffirmation of what was important in this relationship. 
We are moving towards a 24/7 dynamic and over the coming months while things are sorted here, we will confirm what that looks and feels like. 
Today we went out with my family for my brothers birthday, it was happy and fun. All in all right now this slave is one happy slave. As for the week ahead, mindfulness is needed to make sure that the arguments of the past weeks are behind us and we are moving ahead to our goal.

Feet

Feet can be sexy. But even in their sexiness they can be painful.

We had the most amazing time in Spain last Easter, but too much walking can result in some very swollen and painful feet.

The good thing about this though is that when both of you have spent too long on your feet, you might realise that you need some down time and that time might involve a prolonged period of time in bed and then just ‘pottering around’.

There is no evidence of the pottering, but there is some evidence of the feet!

500

This is post 500 of MPB and its predecessor World of Joolz. When I started writing in April 2012, I could never have envisaged the changes that would have occured in my life, or indeed that I would still be writing nearly 3 and a half years later. But here I am, no longer a bored housewife with a full time job, son at university and husband who knew nothing of my needs as a woman. At that time, I was just discovering that I was submissive. I was more than a little bit vulnerable to some of the men I was encountering online. But I did have the sense not to entirely fall for all of their charms. My journey as a submissive has had a profound effect on my life, and having this place to journal that progress has been valuable. Reading back to the beginning today, it feels like I was a different woman back then. Someone looking for more than she had experienced before, partly that was about sex but also something deep within her to be released.

Fast forward to now and while there are loose ends to tie, I am free of many of the previous burdens I felt at the time were weighing me down. I have learned to leave behind some of the things that threatened to overcome me. The burden of a thirty year relationship, one that I was unfulfilled by. The pressures of juggling a full time job with family responsibilities. The need to be everything to everyone. The need to serve, but without knowing who or what I needed to provide that service to.

Master and I seem to be settled in our life together. The collar gives a stability that I didn’t really know I needed. Unlike a wedding ring, it doesn’t bind us to conform to the stereotypical norms of most couples. We continue to live separately, while our lives are completely intertwined. I am the slave He wants and needs and it is the power that He has over me when He sees, hears and feels my submission that makes Him the Dominant that He is. Yesterday afternoon as I knelt, naked at His feet, wearing only my collar and cuff, head in between His legs, sucking His cock, I felt as happy as it is possible to feel. There is a need in me that he is able to satisfy, that is to worship and serve Him as my Dominant. Kneeling before Him, feeling His hands on the body that He owns, pinching, squeezing but also gently caressing gives me a sexual desire that I previously only read about in books.

This blog has chronicled some incredible highs over its lifespan, but also some real lows – the difficulties of ending a long marriage, the pain of rejection and realisation that the man I thought I might love didn’t return those feelings, and the death of my father. There will of course be more difficulties to come, but I have faith that there are many many more good times to come and to be recorded here on this blog.

So, onwards to the next 500 posts – I have been a poor blogger recently, but will try to change that and post daily till the end of the month. A challenge to myself!!

It’s been a week

A week since my last post and almost a week since I laid eyes on Master, even on Skype. We have chatted on the phone and there have been texts, but it isn’t the same.

I have been away in France; I took my mum who needed a break from the monotony of home and some company. As Master reminded me when she was stressing me out, I was doing something that was a good thing. She and I have never had an easy relationship, partly because of the way she wants to control everything that those around her do. I always struggled that, because, I thought I wanted to be the one in control. I am no longer sure that is really the case, I just resented the way she wanted to control me.

In general it has been a calm and relaxing time. We have managed to catch some rays of sun, which were lacking here in the UK before we left. But, her lack of mobility since her hip fracture is a real worry, and what is worse, is that she really seems to have no desire to regain it. She seems happy to have people  me and my brothers running around after her.

The trouble is we are not always around and then she seems to get bitter about the lack of help. The other problem is that there are very few other people who are involved regularly in her life, us, the grandchildren and one neighbour. She has alienated people over recent years, and somehow seems to expect more from them than she has given back. If I didn’t have the life I have with Master I fear I would give in and spend half of my life running around after her, getting ever more bitter about how my life was. Then, who knows I would wake up one day and find I had become her!

The absence from Master has been challenging. I have had enough to fill my time, and it isn’t that I have been pining or anything, it is just that I have missed him and the contact we usually have. He was a great help when I was really stressed on Thursday. I was tired, mum was tired and the weekend seemed to stretch ahead of me. Just a few texts was enough to get me back into the right frame of mind. But texts and a phone call while walking through a french village is not the same. I need to see his face now, I need to listen to his voice now. I need to touch him.

It is at times like this that I begin to doubt myself and him. Has he missed me, does he need to see, hear and touch me? Is he busy in his own world and so has little for me right now? Stupid and irrational thoughts, but sometimes it is just too easy to let your mind work over time. It isn’t the physical side of life I need him for. I am well able to care for myself (and my mum if necessary),  but I do need the emotional support.

Last night, after returning home, I had hoped we would chat. I tried calling on Skype, though I had an idea he was offline (he always shows as away). I didn’t feel the urge to beg for a chat, so just went to bed. This morning though I know I could have done with that contact. Hopefully later this evening.

Withdrawal effects

We returned yesterday lunchtime from a wonderful 12 day holiday together in Spain and France. After arriving back at Master’s house from the ferry port and unloading the car, I reloaded my things into my own car and drove home. In a way it felt good to be back – there is always something special about getting back to your own home and your own belongings after time away. But in another way I felt stupidly sad and empty.

Fighting those silly feelings I got on with my chores – shopping, washing my clothes, opening mail and catching up with family members (not in that exact order). But still as I sat watching some tennis on TV in the late afternoon I found myself feeling lethargic. On the one hand loving the me time I was experiencing and on the other missing Him.

I wanted to blog about the wonderful time we had together and about the fact that our relationship, in terms of slave and Master has developed even further, if that is possible. But I was just too lazy. Or, maybe it wasn’t laziness, but rather weariness after what has been a busy couple of weeks. I went to bed quite early and slept amazingly well.

Not surprisingly, I have woken early this morning and as the day spreads ahead of me, I realise that I am fighting the feelings that on the one hand I value my independence, after all this has been a hard fought journey. But on the other I love to be with Him and to feel the constant feeling of His dominance over me. That isn’t to say that I can’t feel that dominance right now, even though He isn’t here. But it is about adjustment to the realities of life. About the knowledge that I have to think about others and not just Him or indeed us.

Today and over the weekend I have family things to do and on Monday there is that important thing called work to address. The realities of life call – the need to support my mum, check in with my son and to support myself. There are bills to pay and mundane things to sort out. There is also the matter of losing the 2 or 3 pounds in weight I have managed to put on (I know that is pretty good considering I have eaten and drunk so much).

But having been with Master constantly, arriving home without Him feels strange. I am definitely feeling the effects of withdrawal. I will of course get over it, particularly as we are going out tonight!

Just when you start to get complacent

Something happens.

The past few weeks, probably since Christmas have been great. I have settled into a routine which mainly involved working most of the week, spending my day off with my mum and weekends with Master.

This weekend coming though, I thought it would be nice to take mum to a town near where my brother lives and stay in a hotel – Sunday is mothers day here. I did that, forgetting that Master had booked us tickets for a concert. He was very understanding.

Sadly, the concert will win.

Mum is in hospital, having fractured her hip last evening. She is fine following surgery but her special weekend is off. I feel sad that the new outfit she bought on Monday and the hair cut she was due to have tomorrow will have to wait. But am happy she is doing ok post surgery.

The trouble is that having got her back on her feet and helping her to regain her confidence, after the last hospital stay, it all begins again.

I guess that is life!

A special day?

You can’t move in and outside of the shops for examples of ways in which we can all make today special – flowers, chocolates, champagne.

Last evening, I took these two photos while shopping for birthday presents for my son. Selfridges certainly looked a picture and no doubt many these beautiful flowers have now been given as gifts to loved ones. I love flowers including roses myself, but prefer them to be seasonal, and local. Unless we are talking snow drops then better to wait for spring or summer.

It is not the fact that it is St Valentines day that makes today special for me.

For me it is the lunch I just enjoyed with my son on the eve of his birthday. Me listening to the plans he has for today, about the wonderful way his relationship with his girlfriend is developing. Our discussions about his impending move from home and of my own future plans. Sitting with him, the young man I brought into the world 24 years ago tonight and feeling proud of the person he has become. Knowing he is happy that I am developing a new life for myself.

It is also about the morning I spent in bed with Master.

Any day that starts within Master’s fingers stroking my clit so that He takes His first orgasm from me quickly. That moves on to Him telling me to spread and Him taking me, possessing me and reaffirming His ownership. Next me on all fours and Him taking His bitch. Me stroking the shaft of His cock while He moves in and out of me, my pierced nipples rubbing on the bed and giving Him yet another orgasm. Then time spent together just enjoying each other’s company, chatting, laughing.

Yes today is a special day a beautiful day with or without the commercialism of St Valentines.

A year on

As new year 2014 dawned I was, without knowing it in the final throws of my relationship with S. Having spent a few days together, one of them on a geocaching trip which left me with mud down to my underwear I returned home. A few days later he unceremoniously dumped me (for the second time), for someone else.

This was probably the wake up call I needed. There really was no need for me to end my marriage for the kind of relationship I had with him. One with someone who lived 2 hours away and where I did all of the running around. Don’t get me wrong, he treated me well, we had some great times and what is more he taught me a lot about my sexual side. However he also taught me what a D/s relationship isn’t rather than what it is.
Fast forward to new year 2015, and with the benefit of hindsight I can look back on the whole of last year, on the highs and the lows. The relationship Master and I started in January last year in an Alt chatroom and in real life in February was meant to be for play. For me it was an opportunity to explore my submission and to discover much more about what BDSM is about. For Him, it was meant to provide Him with the play dates He wanted and needed until His slave joined Him later in the year. The outcome has been something completely different. What we have is a relationship which while it has the Master / slave dynamic at it’s centre is really much much more.

Being with Master has given me the confidence to deal with some difficult issues over the past year. To be clearer with hubby about my intentions, so that he is at last beginning to deal with the realities. Of course, it helps that he has another relationship, one which he maintains is platonic. Whatever the truth about that is, he is spending little time in the family home and seems much less needy than he once was. The other challenge was of course my dad’s illness, his death and the subsequent problems with my mum. Thankfully things are beginning to settle down as she begins to come to terms with her new life and we work out how much support is still needed. 

On new year’s day, for the first time in over 35 years, I took someone new home to meet my family. For the whole of last year, I was open that I was seeing someone, but given that I expected the relationship to be as described above, I was in no hurry to introduce Master into that part of my life. My son is different, he (kind of) lives here, and so was bound to bump into Master. What is more, it wasn’t that He was hidden, it was just that my marriage wasn’t properly ended and anyway I expected this relationship to be transient.

Taking Master into my family environment was a big thing for both of us. It confirms that this is a relationship which is ongoing and that for me, I am serious about my choices. My family are important to me, and the past year, has made us closer than we perhaps were. For Him, someone who is not worried about that kind of thing for Himself, I think He found it a little nerve wracking. Of course we didn’t need to worry, I didn’t expose Him to them for too long and we emerged unscathed. My brother’s were watching football and their team won, so apparently Master is a new lucky mascot!

As this new year begins, I feel positive about the future. I know there will be plenty more bumps in the road, not least the prospect of my son permanently moving to live with his girlfriend and me leaving my home. But I have to admit, I do feel good right now. 

Calm

An evening and a night with Master and my inner calm is restored. The stresses of the past few days have gone and all feels good with the world.

Christmas is one of those times of year I both look forward to and am kind of glad when it is over. This year, it was difficult to get into the right frame of mind, for a few reasons. It is only 3 months since we lost dad, I knew that I would have mum with me and that my brothers would be working on and around Christmas. This also is the first year when hubby’s and my separation is almost complete, but still not everyone knows about it. For this reason and for the first time, I sent almost no Christmas cards.

Another difference this year was my son’s plans to spend part of the holiday time with his girlfriend’s family.

My mum is improving, she is becoming more independent and a little less demanding. It is of course early days, but I do feel that progress is happening. There are times when I feel stressed by just being in her presence. This is not a new feeling, but it is made worse by that absence of my dad. He was a calming influence on us both. So the knowledge that Christmas day would just be the three of us and then boxing day would be mostly just mum and me made me feel anxious even before it happened.

In the main, though, it has been fine and between us we have been able to enjoy the time together. I have also found that I can  let go of my son, who at almost 24, it feels is now a proper grown up – he is planning to move in with his girlfriend over the next few months. It is interesting though how cooking a Christmas dinner for 3 is very similar to cooking one for 10 or 12 (other than the quantities of food). There were practical reasons for missing my dad – he would have been there to wash up the pans as we went along and he would have carved the meat. Of course we also missed his presence, his little sayings, the way in which he so enjoyed those family times, enjoyed a drink and just filled the room by being there.

So we have passed the milestone of a Christmas without dad, we have found that a quiet Christmas can be just fine and gradually mum is finding her independence.

It is safe to say that next year will be one of change again for me, hopefully change that brings happiness. Hopefully too I will have Master around to keep me calm and to stop those stressful times getting to me too much.

I enjoyed Christmas, but I am kind of glad it is over.