Review of 2017 and Recommendations for 2018 (part 2)

Yesterday I posted part one of this review for Wicked Wednesday and linked to a number of the bloggers and sites that have helped and influenced me this year. Today, part 2.

July

The creativity I managed to find for blogging this month was double that of last. Sadly this is not saying very much as there were just 4 posts. On 10th I expressed some of the reasons for the drought (holiday, work and meme overload). If I have learned one thing this year, it is not to over think and force the issue. The blog won’t disappear (even if readers do) and quality really is much more important than quantity.

Sinful Sunday has been a constant and Master is now involved in the photos, both as photographer and subject. This post might be one of my favourites so far and I am proud to have been named amongst the top 5 participants for this shot. The joy of mirrors!

August

During much of the first half of the year our sex life and M/s relationship was dormant. The two are inextricably linked, as although we are always Master and slave it is most evident in the bedroom. Master’s shoulder problems, evident last year re-emerged. And at the same time we both found our libido low. As I emerge from the menopause I am struggling to find my sexual mojo. My body looks and feels different and I often feel tired.   On 6th August, my 55th birthday I posted of a change to that situation. Another Sinful Sunday on 27th demonstrated the measures Master has taken to help us overcome our difficulties. The sex swing in action!

September

Another first, when we attended a Clothed Male, naked female event. I wrote about my feelings about being naked in a venue of other naked women and clothed Men. This was really my first experience of D/s protocol of this kind. Sadly I wasn’t well that day and so we couldn’t play. But it was an amazing experience. I met new people as well as meeting up with  some that we do know. Perhaps then a good opportunity to mention Sub Bee (who was also at the event and is a regular). We first met at a local munch and while I don’t know Bee and her partner well we also met at Eroticon. If you are not familiar with Sub Bee’s blog you should take a look. She writes candidly about her relationship, bisexuality and other topics as well as posting some fantastic images.

October

Elust features the best of sex blogging and is published each month by Molly.  Bloggers and writers are invited to submit the best of their material which is then peer reviewed by an army of willing volunteers. While there are winners, there are no losers as everyone that submits a valid entry is published. Everyone then republishes, which means that it can reach far and wide within the kink community. My own blogging drought this year means I haven’t submitted many posts, but in October I did  – to Elust 99.

The feature photo is from Exhibit Unadorned and features a bunch of bloggers having fun. This gives me the opportunity to mention his Exhibit A blog as well as that of his wife The Other Livvy. Both blogs are worth a visit, but be warned they are excellent and talented writers and photographers. So you may be there for sometime! They are newlyweds and seem like amazingly fun people. I saw them at Eroticon but we didn’t speak. I hope this will change next year.

November

There has been many a time over the past few years, when short of inspiration, I have turned to TMI Tuesday. Usually this involves a few questions on a sexy or kinky topic to write as little or as much as you feel able. On 7th November though, there was something different. We were given the words: Dragging, Kitchen, Bedroom, Sofa, Albert Einstein, Closer, Eggbeater, Olive oil, Eight and Rain and asked to create a story. There is very little fiction on my blog. It takes more head space than I can usually muster. But for once I embraced the challenge rather than moving on. I am quite proud of this post and need to do more.

Increasingly mainstream social and other media as well as government seems to be trying to reduce freedom of expression. Especially in the sex writing and blogging community. Using the protection of minors as an excuse they are attempting to gag and blog the things we say and show. On 18th November I took part in my first Share our Shit Saturday. In 2018 I intend to focus much more on doing just that!

December

Earlier in December we attended a febsub event at the same club that the CMnf one is held. Held on 3rd, it helped me get into an early Christmassy mood. The theme was pantomime, but since I have always wanted a santa type costume I chose the latter. I was very pleased with the result, as was Master and many others.

I mentioned in part 1 that Master had a new bathroom installed this year. The jacuzzi bath has been an amazing and wonderful source of late night relaxation and enjoyment. Something I highly recommend!

In some ways this has been a lean blogging year for me. But I am proud that I have kept going. Have posed every month and have kept true to myself and our relationship. There are lots of challenges ahead for us as a couple (more of that to come in the next few days). But also many opportunities for me as a blogger.

Being naked

The idea of spending several hours completely naked in public freaked me out. Stupid really since this is something I wanted to happen. Ever since I found out about play parties where the male Dominant is fully clothed and the female submissive naked, I wanted to try it. I am an exhibitionist, I do like to be naked for Master and wanted to attend a play event.  But theory and reality are two different things and yesterday I faced that head on.

The car journey, me wearing a little dress and cardigan with nothing underneath, passed far too quickly. We arrived just before the doors opened at 2pm and having to wait in the car made me feel even worse. So much so that I actually told Master I wasn’t going in.

But, as people started to get out of their cars I found myself following. Inside the building I encountered 3 or 4 entirely naked women, people helping at the event (as well as some clothed gents). My feelings of anxiety melted a little and I headed for the changing rooms.

Many women kept some clothes on, lingerie, stockings, shoes. Others sported chains or harnesses much like I own. I made the decision before leaving home that being naked would be best for me for this first day. Lingerie or stockings would be an easy option and kind of cheating. However those wearing more than nothing were pretty sensible as they kept warmer than I was able to.

Out in the main rooms, there were sofas for relaxing and various benches, crosses, pulleys for play. Most people brought implements and toys with them. As mentioned yesterday, I haven’t been well and so to avoid any temptation Master left his at home. While I was jealous of those being spanked, tied and played with I know that he had my best interests at heart. Plus it doesn’t mean that he didn’t sit touching and fondling his slave. I found watching others quite the turn on and know that next time I will be ready to be watched.

We met some great, very friendly new people and I discovered that I wasn’t alone in  being nervous about displaying myself to everyone else. It was good too to meet new people outside of the munch scene. To meet others who are part of a D/s or M/s dynamic. This felt a fun, but very safe place to explore this side of myself in a more public place.

By the time we left I was already looking forward to the next time. Thinking about what Master might do to me, how he might want to play with his slave. This morning Master texted me to tell me how proud of me he was. How much he liked displaying me to others.

I have to admit that I enjoyed being naked on public display much more than I even imagined I would. Next time hopefully I’ll be a little less nervous.

Excitement and fear

It’s a long time since I had a new D/s related experience. We are settled in our life together, and much of what we do around the D/s or BDSM area is tried and tested. In the main we keep that aspect of our lives separate from other people. This week we attended one of our local munches, we are acquainted with many of the people at that and other events. But we only know those people in a relatively vanilla place. We haven’t attended any of the events of which they speak. We haven’t been to play parties with them. Up until now we have kept ourselves just that little bit separate.Today that is going to change. For the first time we are going to a Clothed Male naked female event. In for a penny in for a pound! The idea of wandering around naked while Master is fully dressed in a suit is theoretically fine. But when the other females are also naked and the other males smartly dressed?

Will I be cold? Will I feel self conscious? Will I want to gaze at the bodies of the other women? What will we do while there? I am a bit nervous about my ability to experience too much in the way of play today, since I have been ill for much of the week with a virus and a cough. I am on the mend and no longer feel ill. But we both know that I am not fully fit at the moment.

He asked me earlier if I am going to make him proud today. I always try to do that and know that I will do my best not to let him down. I want to enjoy this new experience. I want to embrace the excitement I feel about going to this event, but I am also fearful. Those two feelings are not dissimilar in the way they manifest themselves inside us and time will tell which wins through. Whatever happens this will be an interesting day and there will be experiences to write about here. That can only be a good thing.

What’s my name?

5 years ago, when I embarked upon this journey, one involving illicit sex with a bit of kink thrown in. I called myself Joolz on the various websites and on my new blog. The people I met at that time either didn’t know my real name or chose not to use it. To them I was Joolz.

But when Master and I met, 3 and a half years ago now. He saw me as someone else. To him Joolz was someone who was a bit scary, who had been struggling to find her true self. Joolz was someone in transition from Julie to……….. But who.

He wanted me to refer to myself as ‘this girl’. As far as he was concerned, my journey as a submissive needed to include some introspection about what and who I was. By removing the need to think of myself in the first person or as Julie the mother or daughter, the submissive inside would feel more real. At the same time he was of the opinion that Joolz was someone who had belonged to another, someone who had rejected me. By letting go of Joolz, I let go of that part of my past. Gave myself fully to him. Allowed myself to be absorbed into his ownership, to become his property.

Gradually over time this girl has become girl. He called and does call me girl. At times he has admitted that he has struggled to remember that I am also Julie. A 55 year old girl? Yes, but not any girl. His girl, his submissive and his slave. I do still refer to myself as ‘this girl’ but mainly during sex or play. The rest of the time I just know who and what I am, even when people call me Julie. I know I am His girl.

A new day, a new year

Today is my birthday, and as I enter a new year of life I somehow find myself ready to blog again. The past couple of months have been somewhat quiet here. Save the occasional, writers block post Sinful Sunday has been my only regular offering.Last week’s Sinful Sunday post, a spur of the moment shot of Master changing a lightbulb naked  was rated in the top 5 by Molly. It is those kind of shots that really are the best. Therefore this week, since I have taken no photo involving stairs (this week’s prompt) I am taking a rest.Instead I am happy to report that our sex and M/s life is resurrecting itself. Or rather, perhaps we are finding the time to get it going again. Since holiday we have been busy. Weekends away, stuff to do around the house and garden. Plus we both seemed to have returned from holiday with a strange malaise that wouldn’t seem to shift. Master has a painful shoulder, which I hope he will seek medical help for soon. This weekend though, we have shoved all of that aside.

Two mornings in a row we have had sex. Raw, just woke up and wanted to grope and kiss each other sex. Yesterday, my eyes were barely open before I found myself on my knees before him, sucking his cock. This morning I was awake first, reading birthday messages on Facebook when He began to finger my clitoris. Then he went down on me, orgasms flew through me in a way that I haven’t experienced in months. Mindful of his shoulder pain I have been on top more than of late. I had almost forgotten how wonderful that feeling is, his control from beneath me is something to behold.

As recently as Friday I was wondering if I was still his submissive bitch. Something in the things I said, and my body language that night seem to have seemed through. To us both. We have reminded ourselves of who we are to each other and that feels really good.

Sinful Sunday will resume here next week, meantime if you read this please do click on the lips and see the great photos everyone has contributed this week. But for me, today I will enjoy my birthday and savour the thoughts of yesterday, this morning and all the days to come.

This drought

It is a ridiculous amount of time since I last blogged. The last time the blog drought was a month was, well I can’t remember.

On 16th June we went on holiday to France. A much needed break after a crazy past few months at work. I have been carrying a project while also doing my normal work for 6 months. In that time I have had a change in manager, dealt with the politics of a wider work regime change and generally got on with things.

But it isn’t just work. I have spoken before about my lack of libido. A busy work life and lack of time to recharge certainly hasn’t helped. Master has a bad shoulder (for the second time in as many years) and so our play time is also curtailed. The M/s part of our life is there, but it is implicit rather than explicit. Even to us.

I have had few ideas for blog posts and so over recent month kept to posting memes. But this isn’t what I want my blog to be about, really I don’t.

The holiday

We travelled to the Alsace-Lorraine area of France, passing through the battlefields of the Somme and Champagne region on the way. 16 days of time together, exploring new places, seeing new things and trying new food and wine. I found the experience of the Somme, most of which we covered in a day, extremely moving. The remnants of a war fought a 100 years ago. Then onto towns and cities where wars have been fought over a much longer time period. Castles and fortifications, churches and cathedrals. Places where we felt like we were in Germany, but the people were speaking France.

We were busy, packing lots of activity into each day. The feeling of tiredness subsided and the thoughts of work in the main left me. We often don’t have much sex when we are away. Not because we don’t want to, but because our preferred time for sex is in the mornings. And the mornings are often busy with getting ready to move to the next place, or else trying to fit breakfast in. Lame excuses but not really important. Things are good between us, so it doesn’t matter.

Or does it?

Home again

Back into work on Tuesday last week and I seemed to pick up the momentum just where I left off. By Friday afternoon I felt completely exhausted again. Perhaps not quite in the same way as I had when I left for France. My head was and is still clear, but I just feel weary. The hot weather this last week has added to it. So this last weekend has been one of pottering around, eating and drinking. Pleasantly reliving our holiday, discussing the highs and few small lows.

There has been no sex and no overt kink. I haven’t initiated anything and neither has he. I don’t think there is any thing wrong, but perhaps we need to discuss this? Perhaps as usual we will find our mojo and get back to it.

The blog

This blog is not about memes. I love to participate and to look to see what other sex and kink bloggers are writing and posting. But I don’t want this blog to be just about memes. This is meant to be a place I go to write about myself and my relationship. When nothing much is happening in my life other than work and drifting through a weekend, there is little to say.

But maybe there is a bit of chicken and egg to this. Perhaps I need to write and express my feelings about the lack of sex and play. Maybe I need to write some fun and sexy stuff to help us get in the mood. Maybe I need to write. Maybe by writing then the energy and zest for my slave life will return.

Owned and controlled by her Master. A mixture of true events and memes it is often of a sexual nature and is not safe to view at work. Next things to try will be fiction. Watch this space.

1 Response to This drought

  1. Jor Adam says:

    You realy should talk about it … and put ‘having play-time’ on your agenda. Take care of and time for your partner and your own lust and inflame and catch the passion in each other. It’s too essential to deny!

The realities of life

It had been a busy week. Work was as frenetic as usual, and by Friday followed with daughterly responsibilities. When did it seem a good idea to become part of the social committee at my slimming club? After all, Friday afternoons with mum are stressful enough.

But by the evening the half a pound gain was behind me. Mum had been relatively restrained in Marks and Spencer’s. The traffic was kind. And yet.

Master showed me the new swing in the play room. Yes a swing. Thinking about it, he had made mention of the purchase the previous week. Somehow though, that knowledge had disappeared into the recess of my brain.

Kneeling before him as he demonstrated it’s finer points I sucked his cock and all seemed good.

But naked, exposed, sitting on the seat, I wasn’t sure who I was. Whether I was worthy of him. His slave or an imposter?

I wanted to love and enjoy his new toy but something made me want to curl up somewhere with a bottle of wine instead. Trying to distract me and turn me on, he licked my pussy, squeezed my nipples and stroked my clitoris. He used the words that usually make me melt; the ones that reaffirm our M/s dynamic. My head responded but something held me back. My body was unresponsive, he said otherwise but my brain told me so.

Memories of sex with my ex flooded my brain. Perhaps I am the frigid person he had exclaimed me to be. Maybe this past 3 years has been a dream?

Climbing down at Master’s request, we lay naked on the bed. We talked and we held each other.   I don’t know the reason for my sudden freak out but know I am not frigid. I am the sexy woman Master loves, I turn him on, and please him. We love each other, and he certainly makes me horny. In the future we will have fun on that swing.

We moved on to christen the new jacuzzi bath. To have fun and to enjoy each other’s bodies. We drank sparkling wine together and talked about what might have been wrong. I came to the conclusion that if the bath had happened first events may have taken a different course.

I wanted so much to have a wonderful tale to tell about the swing and to have photos for Sinful Sunday. But rather than looking back on these memories as a failure I know that our love is not just about kink it is about being there for each other. About recognising when we need reassurance from the other.

The story about the swing in the playroom is still to be told along with the corresponding pictures. Just watch this space.

Recollections of the past

A couple of weeks ago I installed a widget that allows random posts from your blog to be reposted to Twitter or Facebook. I had noticed it on a few people’s twitter feed and since I have almost 5 years worth of posts I decided to try it too. Every 12 hours or so a new tweet, with a link appears on my twitter feed. Yesterday this one cropped up. It was liked and retweeted by eye  and then commented on by Rebecca. How strange then that this week’s Wicked Wednesday is about recollections.

That the post entitled ‘Relationships’ was written in March 2013. At the time I was going though a lot of trauma with my ex. He had recently found out about my relationship with S and was pretty keen to point our my shortcomings at every opportunity. When, that is he wasn’t telling me how much he loved me and that he didn’t want to lose me. When I brought up his own infidelity he told me that something that happened 20 years ago didn’t count. The trouble is that the hurt from all that time ago, had never left me. Writing in a bit of detail about being cheated on as a young wife and mother helped put things into perspective.

Infidelity is not something to be taken lightly. We made a promise to each other in front of family and friends. A promise that we would love, honour and cherish each other. I never imagined that he would break that promise quite so quickly. Especially as in the aftermath he pretty much told me I was frigid and boring in bed. More recent events have proved that not to be the case. Embarking on my own journey took some guts, and all of the time I knew I was being unfaithful. I knew that if he every found out, then he would be devastated and so he was.

But the interesting thing about the recollections associated with this post is this. In March 2013, while he continued to make me feel guilty and to try to get me to dump S, my ex was already seeing another woman. They had met at Christmas and were in the early stages of their current relationship. The wronged man was already in another’s arms. For months after that he pretended that he was spending much of his time staying with a male friend. I believed him because it was easy to do so and because I was preoccupied. The man was a liar hypocrite in the early 90’s when I found out about that first affair and still is today.

For the most part I try to look forwards, looking back doesn’t always help. Sometimes recollections of the past can help. My words from 2013 certainly have done that today.

 

Back to blog

Having persevered throughout January and the first week of February I have abandoned the 365 questions. I think the idea is a great one, but these questions are really too dull. Maybe I should try to come up with a better set for next year, but if anyone sees me start with this same set next January 1st please, just shoot me (or the virtual version of it).

My excuse for starting the questions was laziness coupled with writers block. I had a desire to blog regularly but a distinct fact of creative ideas, useful recent experience or even the will to try to put pen to paper (or words to screen) in any meaningful way. So, the easy way out. Then I decided to join in with February Phtotofest and this meant that during this month I would need to produce two blog posts, which in itself is no problem. With the photo, there is often a story to be told, with the questions usually not.
Last year, I ran out of ideas for the February photofest but this year I definitely want to carry through and get to the end and I want as many of the photos to mean something to me as they can. I also need to get back to proper blogging, I need to write about what is happening in my life, about the things that are bothering me and about the things I want to do. I need to write about my relationship and about the things that continue to go well for us as well as some of the things that bother me. Like for instance the way that my menopausal symptoms are changing our sex life. Like the way my job feels like it is getting in the way of spending sufficient time together. Like the fact that I love my house but wish I could just walk away, the sale and everything done with. Like the ongoing stresses that my ex brings me.
But also I want to write about the great things we have coming up; Eroticon in just a few weeks and a chance to meet like minded people, great writers and bloggers who I hope will help inspire. Like the ‘Secret Dungeon Sleepover’ I have been invited to for Master’s birthday, like the CMNF event we would like to attend in the not too distant future. Like too the holiday we are planning for this summer and the break we are taking over Easter.
I want to get back into writing about me and about what makes me the person and am happy to be.
I want to get back to this blog and to moving this blog to the new domain I have bought but haven’t yet properly used. I will happily see February Photofest through to the end, but I am not posting answers to inane questions just so that I can fill the calendar with a daily blog post.

365 days – 30th January

My house is a home because……

It is the place I lived during my marriage and where I brought up my son. It is a place where I have been happy, really happy. True, there has been sadness here, but to be fair the happiness has outweighed the pain and the tears.

We moved to the house when my son was a baby, just 3 months old. He sat for the first time, he laughed and he cried. He walked his first steps, climbed his first stairs. We nurtured him and he grew to be a lovely little, then bigger boy.

When my ex betrayed me, I took refuge in this place. I retreated into a solitary life at times, just me and him. Later his father returned and we were happy after a while.

There have been birthdays, family events, barbecues, parties.

There have been arguments and there have been tears. Too many. The relationship with my ex falling apart, the challenges of living with a growing teenager struggling to find his way in the world.

More recently Master and I have enjoyed some great days and nights here. Kinky fun, kinky and straight sex. I have submitted, I have dressed up for him. I have cooked meals and we have enjoyed great wine with them. We have laughed together.

Sometimes when I sit here alone I can see and hear almost 26 years of my life in little bite size chunks. Happy and sad.

This house has been a home to us and is is still my home. It will remain so until I take my things and try to make another place my home. I suspect it will take a while.

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