Balance

This weekend has been about trying to get some kind of balance in my life. I say the weekend, but actually, I include Thursday since it was the last day of a week’s leave and Master and His girl managed some play time. The days since Thursday afternoon started with Master restraining and blindfolding His slave, inflicting pain via the violet wand and then forcing many orgasms from her. It ended with afternoon tea with my sisters in law, nephew, nieces and lovely baby great nephew. In between, there has been a working day, dinner out, kinky sex, downtime together, time with  mum, dvds on the sofa, sleep (lots of sleep) and  a spanking.

I don’t think, in all reality my life has ever been busier, or more interesting. I have more fun now than I ever had.

In the past year, I have had more sex than ever before during my life. That is tricky for a fifty something to acknowledge, but better late than never.

As we approach the end of the year, it feels time to look back and forwards. To acknowledge how far I have travelled and how far I want to go.

The key will definitely be balance. How to find sufficient time to be on my own, to be with Master, to work and to be with family.

This blog has been a little neglected recently, but the first step to the above will be to work through all of those elements. To consider the here and now and the future.

A few changes to the blog

When I moved here, I knew that I wanted to structure things a little differently to before. Today, I have begun that process by merging some of the pages and by creating a new one, which will be about Master and I. This will help plot our journey so far and then how it continues. I want to be able to talk a little about how I feel our roles as Master and slave are developing and the way in which that manifests itself.

I feel I want to do this as at the start of my submissive blog experience it was useful to chart the journey and my feelings about that. Along the way somewhere that got lost. Rather than charting a particular day, or experience it will be about examining the bigger picture; how we got to a certain place in our lives or how we have overcome challenges.

In my day to day blogging too, I intend to explore much more of my submissive feelings, my kinks and set them in the context of His expectations of me. This will include the ways in which He is pushing my boundaries, to help me become the slave He wants.

I feel that I am embarking on a new part to my life, no doubt it will be just as challenging as what has gone before. But it should be exciting and hopefully enjoyable.

The complexities of moving a blog and other things

Moving the posts from one blog to another was easy, I was able to copy everything across. The difficulty comes with links to other posts within the original blog and comments.

Comments are easy to deal with, they relate to the time when you wrote the post. What is more, I am not sure right now, how much of the blog I will keep in the long term. After all, there will come a point, pretty soon when I want to look forwards and not backwards.

Having written what I just did, well perhaps links don’t matter either. But before I delete world of joolz I will check for any posts I wish to keep.

New to this blog is a specific link to our tumblr blogs. If I were you, I would take a look at Master’s blog. There are a couple of pictures there which are me, his girl, MPB. I wouldn’t be surprised if more don’t appear. That Man loves to get His phone / camera out at some interesting moments.

There is more maintenance to be done done to this blog – I have linked to anyone who I know who has blogged lately, and have told as many people as I can. But if I have missed you off please let me know.

In the coming days I will have more to say about what is going on in my world, sadly it isn’t all good.

Questions

I found a new blogger via Abby, today. Ok so I am late to Han Van Meegeren’s party, but better late than never.

These questions have appeared on his site, and been answered by Abby and others. Here goes:

  • Kissed a girl? Once, in a kissing a girl sense. Lots of times in a kissing your friends and family kind of way
  • Kissed a boy? Oh yes
  • Had sex in public? In a place that is public, but not in public.
  • What’s your religion? Officially Church of England, but I like the spirituality side of things and the music rather than religion itself.
  • What does your URL mean? Joolz was a name I was given when I was younger, and when thinking about this blog and a new kind of lifestyle it seemed right. Now though, I am not sure it quite fits. But it is what my blog is called.
  • Reason you joined blogland? I have blogged for years. Firstly about work and life generally and then here. My blogs have always been about me being able to express myself. A way of recording my thoughts and feelings. 
  • Do you have any nicknames? Jools / Joolz when younger and recently to some people. Master calls me girl (is that a nickname, or just His name for me?)
  • Do you like bubble bath? Yes, very much. I don’t have a bath often these days, as a shower is quick and convenient. Now a bubble bath is a luxury!
  • Kissed in the rain? Oh yes
  • Dyed your hair? I have been doing just that while writing this. A good point to go wash it off!


So, several hours have gone by and on with the questions:

  • Soup of salad? Soup in winter, preferably home made, the rest of the time, salad
  • Vegetable or meat? I love vegetables, but couldn’t give up meat…
  • Go out drinking? Mainly when having dinner, but since I met Master, I have been out to more bars and pubs than for a long time.
  • Smoke cigarettes? Never
  • Smoke weed? I have lived a sheltered life
  • Do any hard drugs? I am no good with prescription drugs so I doubt I could handle anything recreational
  • Have you had sex today? No, sadly…..
  • Have you ever fallen asleep in someone’s arms? Yes, quite a few times lately.
  • The relationship between you and the person you last texted? He is my Master.
  • Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes? Yes, actually they have. 
  • Skipped homework to play a video game? Occasionally….
  • Tried to commit suicide? No 
  • The last time you felt broken? Last year, July….
  • Had to lie to EVERYONE abut how you felt? Yes, last July…
  • Do you have a boyfriend / girlfriend? Boy….well more a man to be frank…..
  • Do you have long hair or short? Shorter than it was, and I like it.
  • First thing you notice in a girl? Her sense of dress
  • Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes, but Master would win on that one!
  • Do you dance in the car? Only when alone
  • Where were you yesterday? Woke up with Master, spent the afternoon with my parents and slept alone at home.
  • Ever used a bow and arrow? Tried once when a child, I was rubbish!
  • Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? Probably at one of my brothers’ weddings. Does that count. If wedding photos don’t count then when I was at school!
  • Do you think musicals are cheesy? No, and I saw one on Saturday which was fantastic – Guys and Dolls!
  • Is Christmas stressful? Yes when my mother is involved!
  • Favourite type of fruit pie? Apple
  • Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A nurse and I became one.
  • Do you believe in ghosts? Kind of
  • Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Yes, definitely.
  • Take a vitamin daily? No time for that kind of thing. Fresh fruit, veg etc is better.
  • Wear slippers? In winter. Otherwise bare feet.
  • Wear a bath robe? Sometimes.
  • What do you wear to bed? Nothing.
  • Do you want to get married? Still legally married and no thanks, never again.
  • Can you curl your tongue? Yes
  • How many relationships have you had? Three
  • How can I win your heart? You can’t, I am happy as I am for now.
  • What makes a great relationship? Communication, trust and honesty. That and the ability to laugh and not take yourselves too seriously.
  • Shy or open? Shy with new people and strangers, but extroverted with people I know. Having said that, very few know the real me.
  • Religious or non-religious? I am not religious.

A girl’s ramblings

I don’t have anything specific to blog about today, so this is just going to be a mixture of the things going through my mind right now. What you might describe as a girl’s ramblings.

Last weekend Master and i travelled to the south of France. My friends, who spend most of the summer in France were in the UK for a family wedding and a work colleague of hubby and his family had booked my apartment. It seemed like a good excuse for a short break to the sun. Timely as it turned out as the summer here has come to an abrupt end. We had an amazing time visiting a host of new places – all new for me and a couple new for Him. The trouble is, that these trips just give more ideas for future travel (not sure if that is a bad thing as such). The trip itself cost me more than the rental on the apartment, but who cares if you are having a good time?

Actually I do care and I am now looking into having a company manage the change overs next week so I can actually rent the place out and try to cover costs better than I have this year. Hopefully by then I will be more sorted in my personal life, certainly my marriage, home etc.

Hubby is now in France with his ‘platonic lady friend’. Since he has been gone, he has texted me incessantly with inane questions that I am sure I had given him the answer to already. Even if I hadn’t there is information in the apartment. What then is he up to? There is a pattern. He tends to communicate with me mainly by text, but when I am away he usually steps that up and sends text after text about what I am doing, what the weather is like etc. When he is away, there is usually nothing. But this time, on this trip the level of texts are getting me down. My dad suggested that he is trying to control me, to prevent me moving on with my life. He said also that I need to stop mothering him. I am not sure if control is the right word for him. But I know I have to stop replying. Master says – delete, don’t reply. It is going to be a challenge to follow His advice / suggestion / order (probably the former unless I don’t comply).

This weekend Master and I had a more relaxing weekend (not withstanding hubby’s interruptions). Sometimes just chilling out is the thing to do, along with some home cooking (by me and then Him) and a couple of meals out. We are getting increasingly irritated that it is more challenging to find good food at a reasonable price in our pubs than it is to find good food when travelling. For some reason, despite the fact that British pubs are something of a dying breed, most are now chains that provide substandard offerings. Adequate yes, but definitely not good.

I also visited my parents a couple of times. Essentially it was my turn – my brothers were both working. As dad becomes weaker and struggles to walk distances it is a sad reality that he can no longer safely drive (due to medication). He also struggles to find the strength to lift and carry things. My mum is struggling with anxiety, not feeling safe walking out of the house. Neither are particularly old at 75 but they are frail (dad with cancer and mum has had several strokes). But visits are proving fun. We are chatting and laughing, enjoying each others company in a way we haven’t for a long time. Going shopping with them is like a Darby and Joan outing. They have both developed a dark humour (when not complaining about something) and I am definitely embracing these last few weeks of being a girl with two parents.

My son’s relationship with his girlfriend is blossoming (not withstanding a couple of days last week when he seemed to be over worrying their relationship) and they also are due to go off to France for a week soon.

Living here, now, in the moment I have to say that this girl is feeling pretty happy with life. This status quo might not last but for now, I am savouring what I have. I am feeling truly blessed with what I have. I just need to dump one very big monkey from my back!!

This should be my approach

Far too much of the time I fail to focus on the here and now. Instead, I think about what has been and fear what is in store for me. Master is always telling me, that I need to live in the moment and to embrace the experiences that are happening now.  Of course that is easy to say. Easy too to do when the moment you are living in is a happy one, a fun one. But what about when you are dealing with the fears and anxieties of others. How then do you maintain the focus on yourself and on living in the here and now?

 
I have been looking at mindfulness as a way of managing my stresses at work, particularly given the other things that are going on in my life. This is about being conscious, about being aware in the present moment of your senses. About being able to feel your feet on the ground, your hands on the keyboard and not imagining yourself somewhere you are not. It is also about not dwelling on the past or being anxious about the future.
 
Mindfulness doesn’t mean not planning or setting goals. We need to be able to do that – I certainly need to plan for when I move from my marital home, I also need to recognise the realities that will come with my father’s death when it does come. But mindfulness tells us to enjoy the moments as they unfold, and if enjoy is not the right word then at least appreciate the good parts that go with the more challenging times.
 
I am going to try hard to focus on these messages. to let go of the baggage of my past and to trust the future, whatever it holds and however difficult that is to do.

Getting this girl back on track

The last week has felt a long one, but this girl is determined that over the course of this weekend she will be back on track in all areas. Last evening this girl had the pleasure of speaking on Skype to her Master, all be it over a very dodgy hotel wifi system. This happened pretty much as soon as this girl had returned from work and put her into a very happy place for the rest of the evening and hopefully for the whole weekend. We chatted mainly about this girl and how she has coped this week. Also about the various tensions in this girl’s life right now and how she is managing them. It is amazing that just by seeing His face and hearing His voice, this girl felt so much more settled. Essentially he could have been reading a book to her and she would have felt happy afterwards.

Filled with joy at having spent time with Him, this girl wanted to tell someone, but since no one was home there was no one to share her experience with. Until a little later that was when this girl had the pleasure of a Skype conversation with destiny. This girl has recently become friends with both destiny and her Master, and over the past week they have both been on hand to help this girl through some of her darker moments. It was great then to share such a happy one with destiny. She has written about the parallels and differences of our journeys on her blog.

Last night for the first time in ages this girl went to bed wearing her plug, and then when she briefly woke at 4am and didn’t seem able to fall back to sleep she gave her master the orgasm she had requested earlier in the evening. Using a vibe over the clit is different since the piercing, this girl can report. The area is more sensitive and in fact for a little time, this girl had to keep moving the vibe away, but once in place it gave a wonderful deep orgasm which Sir would love to have seen. It also helped this girl then sleep well for the second part of the night.

Having just finished a leisurely breakfast and coffee in bed, this girl is now heading off for a bath and shave. After which she intends to re-mark herself – she admitted to Sir that she had let the original fade. Then she intends to wear her plug as she goes about her chores today to help her remember her submission and to think about her Master.

Hopefully then this girl is back in the right mood, and back where she should be.

Disorganised

For all of my working life I have often been surprised about my ability to retain information and to organise myself. Give me a while in a job and I can give the impression of being an expert – I like to read around the topic, I listen and observe. I was recruited to my current job because I really do have an expertise and despite a while away from this field I was able to impress at interview. I like to write lists, but generally they are not required – I come back to them later and tick everything off as I have already done them. I tend to know where things are, I can picture in my head where I last saw them. I have an electronic diary, but I don’t need to look in it, as I know what I am doing.

The trouble is that at the moment, while I am still able to speak with knowledge and authority on my subject (I haven’t forgotten it just yet), I am forgetting other important things. Forgetting to do things, despite writing them down (perhaps I should look at that list), getting muddled with what is and isn’t in my diary and this week I missed a deadline. On Wednesday I attended a meeting I had wrongly turned up to on the previous day (confused that it was not in my diary for Tuesday I actually added it in!) Later that day, I disbelieved the time of a meeting in my diary and was subsequently 20 minutes late. Later still I spent 45 minutes looking for some papers which later turned up at home (even when I was looking I had a hunch that I might know where they were).

I am getting stressed with my sudden lack of organisational skills, this is so not like me. I am also getting anxious when I can’t contact him, or I try to and for whatever reason he doesn’t respond. I hate this to happen and feel that I should get on with being at work as I always have and not seek contact at all.

Sir is getting worried about me and I really don’t like to do that.  He worries all of this is in some way linked to me giving up control in other ways.  Perhaps that could partly be true. But also I think it might be linked to the menopause which appears to be gathering momentum.

After 8 months without a period, during which time I had a reasonable number of hot flushes which were irritating. Things settled and for 2 months it was like I was back to normal. But this last month, no period and constant hot flushes and night sweats. Plus my mood is distinctly hormonal – up and down like a yo yo.

While I am loving the opportunity to give up control in many areas of my personal life with Sir. I do not need to give up control at work, and I do not need the stress that goes with it.  Whatever the cause I need to find better ways of managing these feelings. Better ways of coping.

Sir is going to be away for a few weeks soon and will be on a different time zone. He will have other priorities and I don’t want to cause him stress. I also don’t want to cause myself this level of stress. I need to sort myself out.

The best laid plans

The opportunities for Sir and i to get together at the moment are limited. We are just busy people, with lives to live, work to do and family to please. On Sunday, faced with the prospect of not seeing Sir for another month, i hatched a plan. While i wouldn’t be able to stay at His place Wednesday (i.e. tonight), due to work commitments on Thursday, we could at least spend part of the afternoon and evening together for some al fresco fun. Then Friday (two days from now), i will travel to His place and stay over even though he has plans for Saturday night and Sunday. I am all for compromise.

Sir got quite excited about the alfresco possibilities. We discussed scenarios for a scene, and were both pulled along by the thought.

He decided white stockings would be in order. As the girls reading this will know, no one wears white these days so that means ivory – bridal ivory i discovered while shopping. But who can wear ivory stockings with a black or red suspender belt? So I ordered a bridal ivory belt from a famous UK shop where people often by lingerie. This morning, having shaved in preparation, i hurried along and collected this garment. Then i went to my work commitment, which even if i say so myself went well.

The satellite  navigation system in my new car told me i would be at my destination at 3.09, which would allow time for putting on said stockings, suspenders and also some heels. By 2.15 i had covered half the journey, all was well.

Then fate took over. An accident on the ‘road to hell‘ meant that in the following hour i travelled a mile at most. At first i thought, OK i’ll be a bit late, then, OK, i’ll be an hour late. But as time and very little opportunity to get closer to my destination and Sir,  went on, it became apparent that this trip was doomed to failure.

Sir had taken the train, a journey of maybe an hour and a half. I had travelled for 2 hours in my car, then 3 hours, but always we were according to the technology always an hour apart and in the end we decided that we should both head home. Probably a 4 hour wasted journey for us both.

So, today, there has been no fun and games. There has been no ivory suspender belt and stockings, no sex on a picnic table, no picnic, no touching. Nothing but frustration and disappointment.

Sometimes plans are just plans and they don’t work out. Thankfully for us, this was the first time this happened. Plus there is still Friday to look forward to!

Thoughts from a morning’s painting

All 4 walls are now covered in the chosen colour. The ceiling has been painted twice and no longer looks patchy. This morning i have spent a lot of time painting around windows, doors, the ceiling, radiator, that kind of thing. This is a slower process and allows some more detailed thinking time.

My son is 21. He is my only child (that fact might be worthy of a post another day) and for the last 10 months (other than a month over Christmas) he has been at University in California. Since i am in the UK this is quite a long way away (I know stating the obvious). He is due home at the end of next week and i promised to decorate his room for his return. It will be a more grown up place fitting for a young man about to enjoy summer before going off to his English University for his last year. What will happen after that i don’t know. However he does have an American girlfriend now, so his future may not be in this country. This no longer fills me with the kind of dread that it once did. He has grown into a great young man, and he is someone who will and of course should make his own choices.

This is the last time i will decorate his bedroom. In truth once the summer is over he won’t use it very much until next summer. But decoratng, cleaning and freshening it up (teenage boys are messy and  dirty at times) is part of the whole process i am currently going through. As is the decluttering i am starting to do too. I need to clear out some of the remnants of the past 25 years or more.

As i was painting this morning i was thinking about my house; the place i call home. What does it mean to me? It is a place we moved to when my son was only 3 months old. He has grown up here, and it has been a family place. But it has not always been a happy place for me. i have struggled to get hubby to make it the place i wanted it to be those years ago. He isn’t a DIY person and really only does anything when forced. He is not really bothered by mess or by things that aren’t quite finished. i have tried to start and finish things myself, but it can be difficult when the other person in the relationship can’t really be bothered. Once things ‘look better’ he is happy.

So my thoughts this morning were that while i am enjoying doing this for my son as i enjoy making things nice for myself in this home i don’t really have a deep attachment to it. In the past i always thought that if my marriage failed, he would be the one to leave. Now i am not so sure. I think actually that i would be as happy living somewhere else. In fact i would quite like to live somewhere where i had not spent years struggling through my marriage. Where i had not nagged and ranted at times. Where i had not slammed the door and walked out around the block in tears. Where i had not had to learn to keep my mouth shut.

When the time comes i think i can walk away and leave this place. I think i can take with me the good and leave behind the bad. i just don’t know yet when that will be. For now, i am going to live for today. And for next Friday when he comes home for the summer (or for a few days until he goes to visit his university friends).

This morning’s music has been entirely the Verve. My favorite from them is Bitter Sweet Symphony, which i have been singing while i work.

Now it is lunchtime and soon i will be having a ‘chat’ with Sir. If it is worthy of note, i may write something else later!