It’s kind of scary

The Olympics started last weekend which serves as a reminder of just how long it has taken me to get to this point in my life. Four years ago I had been seeing S for a few months. I was living with the euphoria of a new relationship, my first for over 30 years and I was yet to have to face up to my actions. Life was good, but I was busily dancing around the reality of what I was doing. That I was doing to my ex what had previously done to me. He was oblivious and yet to meet the woman he now lives with, yet to lie to me about his whereabouts. I was happy in the illusion that things with S would turn into something long lasting, that he was the Dom I wanted and needed. It would be another 18 months before that relationship would finally end and I would meet Master.

Fast forward to now and life remains kind of scary, though in a different way. I have spent this entire year preparing to sell the house and move in with Master, but still I am not there. I procrastinate on a weekly if not daily basis. The goals I set myself 6 months ago for today are still not complete. I want to make this move, but it takes more energy than I sometimes feel I possess.

That final step is scary. It means giving up my home and moving to somewhere that while I am comfortable to exist in, is not somewhere I can yet call that place. Home.  A conversation with Master last night brought home to me that I am still not sure that moving in with him is what I truly want. Don’t get me wrong, I want to be with him every day, not just at weekends and holidays with the odd extra day and night thrown in. But giving up this new found independence, my own place, where I have space, solitude, even silence is proving hard to do. Plus there is the knowledge that I will be living in a home I don’t own and never will, a place that if something happened to him I might not be able to stay in (even though he has told me that he will make plans for that possibility.

But, perhaps speaking my fears aloud last night did some good. I have spent some of today with a new energy to sort through things and I know that I have already planned some of the things I need to do over the coming days and into next week.

This was never going to be easy, perhaps it shouldn’t have taken me this length of time to sort myself out, but I know that I am moving ever closer to what I need to do and where I need to be.

It’s just that, it really is kind of scary.

365 days – Catch-up for 23rd – 25th January

I am back from my wonderful, but short trip to Spain, and am pleased to say that Master is also home.  I arrived in Spain just before 9pm on Friday and we left on the ferry on Saturday evening, arriving at Master’s house late last night. Today I have been working and am looking forward to a quiet evening watching TV, surfing the net and maybe chatting to Master later. While I was away, our wifi connections both in the hotel on Friday and on the ship was intermittent to say the least. So, here is a catch up and in the coming days I will update a bit more on the fun we had at the weekend.

Saturday 23rd January – What made today unusual?
Having checked out of our hotel on Saturday morning we headed to a nearby costal resort, Suances to see what was there. We were pleasantly surprised to find that the earlier clouds were clearing and the temperature had risen significantly. We strolled along the promenade by the sea, took some photos and then decided to stay there for lunch. We sat in the sun and ate a lovely salad, which we washed down with some beer and wine. It was a lovely way to spend few hours on a late January day and something that we can’t do here.

Sunday 24th January What are you looking for from life?
The main thing I desire in my life is a man who desires me and who wishes to own and control me. I seem to have found just that. I love the fact that he finds me sexy, and that through him I have discovered my submission. He in turn is happy that the power belongs to him and that I am his slave. Everything else that happens feels like a bonus right now.

Monday 25th January What is your favourite thing to drink?
I have a few favourites when it comes to drinks – I love coffee in the morning, but try to restrict this to weekends and the occasional coffee shop treat. When I am really thirsty, I love an ice cold sparkling water, perhaps with a little squeeze of lemon or lime. Alcohol wise, I love a gin and tonic or a glass or two of wine. My favourite wine is Sauvignon Blanc.

One of those general update things

On Friday we leave on our next trip away, this time an over night ferry to Spain and then over the following few days, France, across the Pyrenees.

This week has been about finishing up things at work. It has been about catching up with my son (and reclaiming the suitcase he borrowed) and tomorrow it will be about having dinner with my mum, doing her shopping and generally making sure all is well with her.

The last few days before holiday, when you are unwinding while being thoroughly wound up at work can be challenging. Generally I feel calm, though sleep patterns are a little disturbed, suggesting that I am less calm than I want to believe.

Friday morning, I go to be weighed. The slimming thing is going relatively well – I am trying to follow the plan, but often find myself choosing taste over what is advised. Having said that, I am enjoying eating more healthily and enjoying more that my clothes fit better and that I am definitely slimmer. But it seems that it is the hair cut that has made the most difference – apparently short hair makes me look younger and slimmer!

Then me and my luggage will travel to Master’s house and from there we will travel to the port and away from my not even very stressful life.

I am not sure I will be writing much here, but plan to fill some gaps with the 30 days of kink project / meme thing.

Hopefully while we are away there will be kink. But definitely there will be some life that is worth blogging about.

Whatever happens, there will be something over the next couple of weeks.

Variety is the spice of life

Or so they say.

Yesterday it was all about a speeding ticket we seem to have picked up in Spain at Easter.

Today, something completely different………….

Love being this man’s slave.

Recap on the last week

After a run of several days of blog posts it would be true to say that life took over and this girl ran out of ideas. Ideas and energy to be honest.

This girl’s last post was about Fetlife, and that post has had an interesting effect. It has led to her becoming friends on Fetlife with a number of fellow bloggers. That is definitely a good thing.

This girl still feels nervous there since it is a place that Master’s former slave can still find her, though, it must be said that that person de-friended her there (apparently this girl caused some kind of upset, which is hard to believe but is probably a good thing and is probably irrelevant).

Meanwhile Master and girl have been out and about. On Thursday we went to a newish munch which hasn’t found the right venue nor the kind of members we might want to engage with (does that sound terrible?). There weren’t many people and those that were there seemed to know each other. What’s more they stuck together and sat in little groups. We knew 3 or 4 people including the hosts and didn’t stay too long. So far our Munch journey has been a little difficult (us or them I am not sure) and is probably worthy of its own post.

Then over the weekend proper we have been busy seeing some silent films, a documentary about DW Griffith and an amazing classical concert.

It is amazing how Master is widening this girl’s  perspective on so many things, not all of them involving kink. Plus she is pleased to say that she has no complaints whatsoever.

By the way, the haircut went well. Many people have complemented this girl on her hair today at work. It is short and apparently people think it suits this girl. There is scope for something shorter yet!

It is highly likely that a photo will appear on fettle before it ever does here.

Limits

On returning from holiday, where access to the internet was often limited and intermittent, I have spent time catching up. It has been great getting up to date with everyones blogs, commenting and writing a little. I have also been catching up with posts on Fetlife.

I have a love hate relationship with that place. It should be a great place to meet people and to see what they are up to, to discuss topics that are mutually interesting. But as with other social media it can be a tricky place. People aren’t always treated with respect in the way that they seem to be in our little blog world.

Anyway, the other day I did a bit of clicking from friends to photos and comments they had commented on and through the whole 6 degrees of separation thing found myself on the profile of someone living not so far from me. This person, friend of a friend of a friend (or whatever) says she is a submissive. Not a slave but a submissive. In her profile she goes into great detail about her wants and desires and about her limits. A very very long list of limits, hard and harder.

The person in question is a submissive and I know myself to be Master’s slave. But she does talk about wanting to feel controlled, but in a positive way. She talks of pain, but not as punishment and nothing too painful.

This has led me to think about my approach to this whole lifestyle and the fact that I have essentially given up control of what limits I had to another. what is more, it didn’t take me long to do so. There is more to it though, I am not sure that I ever sat down and worked out what those limits were. Part of that is not because I would do anything I was every told to do by just anyone, but because at my advanced age I have decided that it is time to explore my sexuality in a way I never even expected.

It would have been so easy to read other peoples blogs, books and fettle profiles. It would be easy to watch some pornography and look at photos and decide yuk that is not for me. Well, there are things I see and read I am not so sure about but I don’t discount anything without giving it a great deal of thought. But if I had created a long list of definitely won’t do I wouldn’t have experienced the things I have, or the things I might in the future. Instead I have decided to trust the man who is my Master.

It is after all the relationship that is the important thing here, since this isn’t about play. This is about real life and the experiences that make us what we are.

Perhaps the lady whose profile I encountered is really looking for a play partner, I don’t know. But what I do know is that if you don’t open your mind a little you will never fully know what your kinks really are or the extent of your limits. Plus you won’t understand the core of a D/s relationship – the power exchange, the trust that is necessary. For me at least that is what this is about.

A year on

As new year 2014 dawned I was, without knowing it in the final throws of my relationship with S. Having spent a few days together, one of them on a geocaching trip which left me with mud down to my underwear I returned home. A few days later he unceremoniously dumped me (for the second time), for someone else.

This was probably the wake up call I needed. There really was no need for me to end my marriage for the kind of relationship I had with him. One with someone who lived 2 hours away and where I did all of the running around. Don’t get me wrong, he treated me well, we had some great times and what is more he taught me a lot about my sexual side. However he also taught me what a D/s relationship isn’t rather than what it is.
Fast forward to new year 2015, and with the benefit of hindsight I can look back on the whole of last year, on the highs and the lows. The relationship Master and I started in January last year in an Alt chatroom and in real life in February was meant to be for play. For me it was an opportunity to explore my submission and to discover much more about what BDSM is about. For Him, it was meant to provide Him with the play dates He wanted and needed until His slave joined Him later in the year. The outcome has been something completely different. What we have is a relationship which while it has the Master / slave dynamic at it’s centre is really much much more.

Being with Master has given me the confidence to deal with some difficult issues over the past year. To be clearer with hubby about my intentions, so that he is at last beginning to deal with the realities. Of course, it helps that he has another relationship, one which he maintains is platonic. Whatever the truth about that is, he is spending little time in the family home and seems much less needy than he once was. The other challenge was of course my dad’s illness, his death and the subsequent problems with my mum. Thankfully things are beginning to settle down as she begins to come to terms with her new life and we work out how much support is still needed. 

On new year’s day, for the first time in over 35 years, I took someone new home to meet my family. For the whole of last year, I was open that I was seeing someone, but given that I expected the relationship to be as described above, I was in no hurry to introduce Master into that part of my life. My son is different, he (kind of) lives here, and so was bound to bump into Master. What is more, it wasn’t that He was hidden, it was just that my marriage wasn’t properly ended and anyway I expected this relationship to be transient.

Taking Master into my family environment was a big thing for both of us. It confirms that this is a relationship which is ongoing and that for me, I am serious about my choices. My family are important to me, and the past year, has made us closer than we perhaps were. For Him, someone who is not worried about that kind of thing for Himself, I think He found it a little nerve wracking. Of course we didn’t need to worry, I didn’t expose Him to them for too long and we emerged unscathed. My brother’s were watching football and their team won, so apparently Master is a new lucky mascot!

As this new year begins, I feel positive about the future. I know there will be plenty more bumps in the road, not least the prospect of my son permanently moving to live with his girlfriend and me leaving my home. But I have to admit, I do feel good right now. 

Life takes over

I started a post about last weekend’s kinky events. That was Monday, but so far there has been no time to finish it. This week has been another crazy one. A mixture of work and family with a touch of housework, tree decorating and present wrapping thrown in.

The good thing is though, I now have a 4 day weekend and then one more day to work on Tuesday. Then I get a break until 5th January.

I will just need to juggle family and Master; that has to be easier to balance, doesn’t it?

……………………….
My mum is proving difficult to keep happy. Not surprisingly, after 50 years of marriage she is struggling to manage being alone for so much of the time. We are trying really hard to manage the situation while spending time with her and doing all of the things she needs of us. The relationship she and I have is usually volatile, and at times her demands feel unreasonable. I am however managing (in the main) to keep things in perspective and to maintain my own need to live my life. I know it is early days, but sometimes she is just like a challenging teenager who only sees her own needs. Master’s assertions that I am doing the best job I can really helps.
………………………..
So, it is my weekend now. This evening I have time for myself, tomorrow morning time to help mum out with some pre-christmas jobs at her house and then Master and I will be off for a weekend in London. A weekend I would imagine of culture and kink with a fair amount of good food and drink thrown in. It will also give me chance to re-balance my life again. 
The good thing is, I should actually get some time in the next week or two to blog about events. Let’s hope so!

Balance

This weekend has been about trying to get some kind of balance in my life. I say the weekend, but actually, I include Thursday since it was the last day of a week’s leave and Master and His girl managed some play time. The days since Thursday afternoon started with Master restraining and blindfolding His slave, inflicting pain via the violet wand and then forcing many orgasms from her. It ended with afternoon tea with my sisters in law, nephew, nieces and lovely baby great nephew. In between, there has been a working day, dinner out, kinky sex, downtime together, time with  mum, dvds on the sofa, sleep (lots of sleep) and  a spanking.

I don’t think, in all reality my life has ever been busier, or more interesting. I have more fun now than I ever had.

In the past year, I have had more sex than ever before during my life. That is tricky for a fifty something to acknowledge, but better late than never.

As we approach the end of the year, it feels time to look back and forwards. To acknowledge how far I have travelled and how far I want to go.

The key will definitely be balance. How to find sufficient time to be on my own, to be with Master, to work and to be with family.

This blog has been a little neglected recently, but the first step to the above will be to work through all of those elements. To consider the here and now and the future.

A few changes to the blog

When I moved here, I knew that I wanted to structure things a little differently to before. Today, I have begun that process by merging some of the pages and by creating a new one, which will be about Master and I. This will help plot our journey so far and then how it continues. I want to be able to talk a little about how I feel our roles as Master and slave are developing and the way in which that manifests itself.

I feel I want to do this as at the start of my submissive blog experience it was useful to chart the journey and my feelings about that. Along the way somewhere that got lost. Rather than charting a particular day, or experience it will be about examining the bigger picture; how we got to a certain place in our lives or how we have overcome challenges.

In my day to day blogging too, I intend to explore much more of my submissive feelings, my kinks and set them in the context of His expectations of me. This will include the ways in which He is pushing my boundaries, to help me become the slave He wants.

I feel that I am embarking on a new part to my life, no doubt it will be just as challenging as what has gone before. But it should be exciting and hopefully enjoyable.