I was lying in bed over the weekend thinking about this post, and although I didn’t really work out what to say, I did come up with the title. Crossroads was a soap series in the 70’s which was so cheaply made and acted by such second rate actors it was almost good. It was about the staff at a Motel called ……… well I am sure you can guess.
I chatted to Sir on Friday night and we agreed that as mentioned in my last post, I am at a crossroads. I am now faced with some of the biggest decisions I have ever even had to consider in my life. I am taking things one day at a time.
This is how I arrived here:
On Monday, I went out for lunch with a male friend. He is someone I met on Fetlife, and who I have developed a friendship with. He lives quite close, and he has kindly treated me to lunch 2 or 3 times. I hadn’t told hubby about him, hell I hadn’t even told Sir. It is a friendship and we chat about all kinds of stuff, kink included. After lunch, when I was back in work, I emailed him to say thanks. He replied to say that I was welcome. The email was innocent enough. I worked late on a report that took up much of my working week this week. I didn’t know I had left my ipod logged into Gmail, and I didn’t know hubby would read the email. But I had and he did.
Hubby accused me immediately of having an affair with my friend. I reassured him that it was lunch, but I found it impossible to actually say that I wasn’t having an affair at all. Of course that is what I have been doing. So after a night without much sleep, I discussed with Sir what I should do and we agreed that honesty would be a good idea. Right now, his comment “how much worse can telling the truth be” keeps ringing in my head. The answer has of course been much, much worse. I guess though this is nothing I don’t deserve.
During the original conversation on Monday, while backed into a corner, I said something very unkind to hubby, essentially telling him that I no longer found him sexually arousing. This of course is the thing that plays in his mind. But actually this is a reality that he has known for a long time and it is really what led me on this course in the first place. That and discovering the submissive and kinky side to me that I now know I crave.
I can’t and won’t go into details about what happened during this weekend. Some of it will live with me without writing it here and the rest is best forgotten. I know how much hurt I have caused, I know how I have made him feel, I know he is one minute angry, the next devastated, I know he feels guilty as he feels he drove me to this because of his own infidelity some years ago.
I am now faced with three choices as I see it – A) I stay with hubby and I give up Sir, B) I leave hubby and C) I stay with hubby and keep Sir.
At the moment my desire to submit to Sir and lack of desire to walk away from my marriage coupled with a lack of a place to go mean I have asked hubby for option C. He is less than happy, but says he won’t stop me.
I can’t and won’t talk about the kinky side with hubby. I don’t believe he will understand. I am pretty sure any dominance he could display would be transient and actually he may be quite submissive himself.
One thing is for sure, this is one hell of a mess!