Submissive training – is it necessary?

This prompt for Tell Me About has had me thinking for a few days. It is common to see information about ‘training your submissive’ in BDSM manuals and guides. Submissive training is also a big thing in fiction, for example the Brie series by Red Phoenix which is set in a training centre for submissive females. I can’t deny that I found the books extremely hot when I read them a few years ago. But is submissive training actually necessary for someone in a D/s or M/s relationship? And if so, what might it comprise of?

Submissive – born or made?

I don’t think you can train someone to actually be a submissive as such. It is something that comes from within, almost a need. However I do think there are elements of submission that take time to emerge. Reading about different types of relationship and considering what you as a submissive might want from them is useful. Understanding the elements of BDSM and what you, as a submissive want to find out more about, or try. Each dominant will have their own way of doing things and have ideas about how they wish the relationship to play out. Whether this takes the form of training, conditioning or something else is debatable.

Training vs education and learning

In a previous life I was education lead for a group of public sector organisations. I organised learning and development courses, bought places on university courses and was in charge of mandatory training. I hated the word training, though was forced to use it. That’s because without an element of educational learning behaviour can’t change. Maybe you can train a dog to fetch something, but we don’t generally do that with humans.

Learning new skills, understanding about consent and safety, finding someone in real life to help mentor as well as reading fiction and factual accounts of a dominant submissive lifestyle seems a good approach. I guess some dominants may train their submissives as they would a dog but I’m not sure that is a good approach. Even teaching positions, kneeling or preparation for anal sex should be about more than just practical training. Knowledge of your own body, elements of safety and learning from others is vital.

How did I learn to be the slave I am today?

Back at the beginning I found all I could about submission and BDSM in general through the internet. I joined forums and information sites and followed links to blogs. Then I read erotic novels and bought a couple of ‘how to’ books written by those with experience of the lifestyle. But it wasn’t until I got together with S that I began to understand what might be involved in a D/s relationship. Unfortunately that was when I realised I had a romantic view of being a submissive. However on the plus side I also discovered that I enjoyed pain, humiliation and degradation. By the end of that relationship, I had a better knowledge of what I wanted.

When I first met Master I was under the impression that I knew everything there was to know about being a submissive. But Master is a different kind of Dominant to S (as you’d expect). So I had to begin to learn how to be Master’s submissive. Bed room and play room stuff is easy in comparison to learning what they want from you as a person. It has been elements of my behaviour that have changed. This hasn’t happened through training but through reflection and communication. What’s more, we have learned together how to be each others Master and slave. And from that has come trust.

Reading and blogging as a learning tool

Writing about our experiences is a great way to reflect and learn. Especially through interaction with each other and some level of challenge. Master has always read this blog and continues to read current and past posts. Journaling is also useful, so long as there is an effort to think and review what has been written.

Many people find this blog through searching for submissive / slave relationships. So maybe I’m doing my bit in helping to educate a new generation of dominants and submissives. Or maybe it is just a way of getting off on some sexy writing. Who knows?

I for one love to read other D/s related blogs. All relationships are different and there is no one way of being a dominant or submissive. But it is great to learn and to reflect on those differences. Plus it gives us things to talk about when the Safeword D/s club meets online.

tellmeabout

Faking orgasm

Kitagawa Utamaro (Japanese, ca. 1754–1806)

I’m pleased to say that I suggested this week’s Food for Thought prompt. A few weeks ago I read survey conducted by Kinkly.com on Faking Orgasms. The writers there had read a couple of other smaller surveys and conducted one of their own. 1232 people of different ages, gender and sexual orientation. What interested me was the headline that 80% of respondents had faked orgasms at least once in their life. Not surprisingly (well to me anyway) women fake it more than men. Reasons for faking included: wanting the encounter to end, wanting the other person to feel good and not wanting the other person to feel bad. There’s loads more to read from the survey – see the link above.

But, what is my experience?

Have I faked it and why?

I’m sorry to say only too often. Not recently but with my husband. I could count on one hand the number of times he made me come. Mainly this was because he didn’t take the time to learn about my body. We were young when we met, both virgins. I didn’t really know what a female orgasm was, let alone what it felt like. It was years before I realised how much pleasure there was to be had from touching and being touched.

For years sex was about him. Once he had come, the encounter was over. Foreplay was a bit of breast and cunt groping. I think I’ve written here before that this was a man who could fit in PIV sex during a TV commercial break.

I bought myself toys and he found or saw them. So wanted us to play with them and after that felt I ought to come too (I am simplifying things a little here)! So, given that having an orgasm took time, that his fingers weren’t as good as my toys and that I rarely came from vaginal sex, I faked it.

Me faking it made him feel good but it made me feel bad. I’d often come later after he was asleep. Some relationship history can be read here

Do I fake it now?

No because I have no need. Orgasms in this relationship are a gift and are offered frequently. Master is a man who has learned about my body and who who loves to see me come. He also owns the orgasms and by doing so has taken the pressure away from me. They are no longer something I have to do alone. Nor are they something I crave, but never get. Instead he forces them from me, sometimes many times in one session.

From early in our relationship Master conditioned me to come on demand. By touching me and counting down then telling me to come. Over time I was able to come almost without him touching me. But always those orgasms are his, arrive when permission is granted and always I thank him afterwards.

I can hand on heart say I have never faked an orgasm with Master.

Recent troubles

Whether it is being post menopausal. Or because of the hormone inhibitors I take, my orgasms have dried up a little recently. In that I seem less able to come on demand. But rather than pretend, I tell him that I can’t or haven’t come yet. That I can do this is down to the trust between us and because I know he understands.

So we have taken to using our magic wand vibrator more and this has reignited my orgasms in a powerful way. When one of those arrives, there is no faking!

F4Thought

Reclaimed

It had been perhaps 2 weeks since my last orgasm. There hadn’t been much in the opportunity or indeed desire during our week apart. For one, it was too hot in a bedroom where the air conditioning wasn’t used. A preference of the other occupant. For another I didn’t feel the need and for another my orgasms really don’t belong to me. 

His fingers explored my damp folds and he leaned down to inspect his property. As he placed his mouth over my clit I felt my excitement build and my cunt grow wetter. I took his hard cock in my hand and worked it a little. His tongue still moving over my piercing, he slipped a finger into my vagina. I was moist but a little tight after the abstinence, so he moved his finger in and out, then inserted another. Suddenly the need to orgasm was at the forefront of my mind; an urgent need. Thankfully the countdown was only 5, else I might not have been able to hold back. This was a clitoral orgasm of the finest order.

As he pushed his cock inside me, a feeling of relief overwhelmed. Master is reclaiming his slave, he told me and that is how it felt. He told me to cum again, and this time I felt a gush from inside my cunt and I began to float. He asked me who I was, the answer flowed easily from my lips  – “this girl is Master’s slave”.

Pulling away he instructed me to mount him, so I got off the bed while he rolled onto his back. I climbed aboard and his cock slid into my now wide and slick hole. I tightened my hips and moved up and down on his throbbing dick as he rubbed my clit. More orgasms flowed from me and he pulled me forward arching his hips from underneath. my inner slut was now in full force and I became an orgasm producing machine. Spent, I lay beside him and he took me one last time, releasing his seed into my throbbing body.

I had been reclaimed.

The rediscovery of my submission

Master reminded me on Friday night that we have hardly used my birthday present from last year.  For various reasons I have ridden this beautiful toy only once or twice. It’s purchase dates back to my experiences at the Secret Dungeon a few months before for his birthday. I could never have imagined just how much fun you could have fucking a machine. While the one at the secret dungeon was a sybian, more sophisticated, not to mention automated, this one relies on the user to do the work.

The fucking machine

Back to Friday night. I hadn’t realised quite how turned on I was just discussing the fact that we hadn’t used this fucking machine for several months. But by the time I had put the dildo in place, applied the condom and slid onboard I was pretty aroused. The dildo slid easily in and out of my  wet cunt as I moved backwards and forwards. As Master stood over me, playing with my nipples, sucking me and pinching I knew an orgasm wasn’t far away. 

He stroked my clit and counted down and I came to his demand. Sliding a finger into may arse, he demanded another and more. “Whose slut are you?” 

“This girl is Master’s slut”

The magic words came easily to my mouth. After months of me and I suddenly it was about ‘this girl’ about ‘His pleasing bitch’, ‘slave’. He became Lord and Master, the words falling from easily my tongue During sex I never have problems remembering who I am, of saying what is expected, but somehow this was different. It was as if for months ‘this girl’ had been sitting outside of my body, watching as I went about my crazy life. All at once she crashed into Julie and a submissive was awoken. All of a sudden I was telling Master that more control was needed, that I was proud to be his slave and wanted more of this. More sex, more orgasms, more time on the sex machine. But also rules. More, much more time remembering I am a slave. His slave.

This girl going forward

Today, sober (we had drunk quite a bit of wine) but also not high on the endorphins of recent orgasms I have had time to reflect. After 4 years as Master’s slave it feels as if I am starting from scratch. Learning again what it means to be his property, not just in bed or on a fucking machine, but in everything. 

The machine seems a good leveller. I defy anyone to strip naked, sit on the dildo and begin to rock while their Dominant watches and not feel the need to concentrate. I remember looking up at him as he stood naked in front of me, stroking his cock. I remember him asking me over and over again to repeat who I am, who he is. I remember the feeling of submission sweeping over me and I remember asking for the magic wand. For a different kind of orgasm. 

Life is not all about sex and fucking machines. It isn’t all about Dominance and submission but in this relationship those things are important. Very likely increasingly so. For us, this toy may enable us to get back to being the people we need to be and on a daily basis. Please.

Random stuff

This weekend we have made some significant progress towards being ready to sell my house. I hired a skip and Master and I spent yesterday mainly filling it with stuff from the garden. My ex was fantastic at moving and removing things but often anything that he didn’t want to put into his car and take away to the recycling centre he just dumped it into the garden. All of that stuff has been removed, along with any over hanging bush or tree. There is still time to add more stuff to the pile but already I feel closer to my final destination.

Last night I did something which in hindsight was stupid. I messaged Master’s former slave to ask if she was ok. What I received, after an affirmative response was something of a rant. Apparently He lied to her, He treated her badly, He only got divorced because it is me he is with now and not her (rubbish as his ex initiated it as I had already told her). The funny thing is that while message after message came through to my phone, I was busy elsewhere. Instructed to kneel before Him and take His cock in my mouth.  It was only this morning that I read back what she had written. I have now taken her off of my Facebook and messenger and won’t make the same mistake!

Kneeling at His feet last night, naked I took Master’s cock in my mouth and was instructed not to suck. Holding that wonderful organ in my mouth without sucking it in was difficult. But at those moments when His control over me is paramount I tend to follow instructions to the letter.

My compliance is less so when we are apart. I have a set of rules to follow, but don’t always comply. Why is that? Probably, I need that day by day attention, need to be made to focus on my role and purpose. That is just one of the reasons that I am concentrating on the job in hand, in getting myself ready to move in with Master.

Just one reason. I love the closeness we have now. I love that we can do things together.  I know that I want to be in the position that I can serve Him every day. I know that I am on the right path and Master is helping me get there.

U is for………….

Used and upbeat (starting with upbeat)

There is something about the dynamic within which Master and I live that gives me such a feeling of happiness and fulfilment. Perhaps it is the quality and quantity of the sex that we enjoy, which according to this article is far above what we should expect at our age and the fact we have been together longer than two years. Perhaps it is the level of communication that we enjoy, the fact that we can and discuss anything and everything. Maybe it is because I was unhappy for so long and never appreciated the affect it had on my physical and emotional wellbeing. Maybe it is because Master seems so happy; yesterday I saw him just smile for no apparent reason, he admitted that he was just happy. I am generally a half full person, I want to see the best in people and in situations and hate too much misery and pessimism. With me, what you see is what you get and I expect the same from others. I know that life is not all hearts and flowers, heaven knows I have had my share of pain and misery. But right now I feel incredibly upbeat about life, my relationship and am grateful for this chance to be happy.

Being used for someone else’s pleasure is part and parcel of this slave life I have consented to. The fact that Master wants and needs to use my body gives me pleasure, so it’s all good. Of course, this means that I might be woken at 7am to service him just when I would rather turn over, curl up and go back to sleep. This is kind of what happened this morning (Sunday). But as soon as he began to stroke and pinch my nipples and placed my hand on his growing cock, I found that I felt more inclined to stay awake. Climbing on top of me, he began to grind his cock against my pussy lips, finding my clit first with his fingers and then with the shaft of his cock. I spread my legs and he pushed inside. I have a tight opening to my vagina, which seems to spring shut in about 5 minutes flat. Master loves this tightness, which I guess is less usual for a 50 something woman who had had a child. Pushing his cock into me, gives a momentary sensation of discomfort, but that is quickly replaced by the wonderful feeling of fullness. Master has a good sized cock and I love the way he moves it in and out. All the time he talks to me about the fact I am there to be used, that I am the cunt, the slut, the bitch and that he is the Lord, the Master. These words arouse me more, and he encourages me to tell him that I need to be used in this way, that I am this girl, the slave and he my Master. Next he commanded me to get on top of him and to move in a way that causes his cock to rub against my g-spot. Orgasms at this point were freely allowed, which is as well since I was losing the ability to sense between one and the next. All the time he was pinching my nipples, and speaking to me.

Finally on my back again, he thrust inside and shot his load. Telling me that the previous weekend he had struggled to remember my actual name because to him I am this girl. We turned onto our sides, he spooned into my back, and shortly afterwards he was asleep. I crept out to the bathroom and returning noticed it was just before 7.30am. Used, but happy I fell asleep.

P is for…………

Present for her nipple piercing (one thing today)

Master presented his girl with a present at the weekend. Something to help to stretch her pierced nipples. It would be true to say that both Master and slave are interested in stretching her nipples for His pleasure. 
The bar is a little bigger than she is used to and it turned out that she could only manage to insert one into the right nipple. So, the left will rest for a couple of days before she tries again. Once the bar is in place, you fit the twisty cone thing and then gradually extend the nipple through the metal work. It is comfortable to wear, even when the nipple has been stretched through a couple of turns through the metal coil. It is a little uncomfortable inside clothes right now, and so would be good if you were sitting naked. This girl, being alone tonight has slipped into her pyjamas, though has found it necessary to expose her right tit. Something made her feel that putting a butt plug in place this evening could work well as a combo. 
This gadget may well lead to hours of painful pleasure and arousal. 

H is for……

Harness and Hair.

I have to admit that thinking of words beginning with H which I wanted to write about was a challenge. I knew I wanted to talk about hair (more of that further down), but wasn’t sure about the other word. Then when I was reading Marie Rebelle’s blog, I saw that she had included harness, and I knew I wanted to do so too.
Master loves to see me in a harness and I love the feel of it. The way it frames my tits and makes me feel like a sexual being. Clothed but unclothed. Master bought me a clear plastic harness for my birthday the first year we were together. I remember wearing it under my clothes when I visited my parents soon after. I also have a leather one which feels even better; not surprisingly the plastic one can make you sweat a little, especially if you are like me, menopausal.
Last night we were talking about some of the things I could do to be reminded more of my place as His slave and to be able to serve Him better. One of the things we discussed was that I might be naked or wearing a harness more when we are home alone and are not planning to go out. So seeing H for harness was timely, as is writing about it. Access to the body He owns is an important feature of our relationship, for us both and wearing the harness does just that. In this photo I am wearing a spanking skirt too and this is the very outfit (if you could call it that), which I would like to wear when we go to a play party, hopefully soon.
This photo was taken a while ago, I know because in it my hair is quite long. Since last autumn time, I have taken the plunge and had my hair cut short. Master prefers short hair on His slave, indeed if she came home with it shaved he would be over joyed.
But while I find photos of women with shaved heads quite attractive, I am not sure that really is for me. what we are discussing though is a style where I have the area around my ears shaved, or certainly very short and the rest a little longer. Perhaps a little like this lady who I photographed last year during Samana Santa in Spain (hence the costumes of the people around her).
My only concern is that most of the women I see with these kinds of hairstyles are much younger than me. However, this is one area that I would like to get closer to what Master wants from me. I love to please Him and while He isn’t insisting that I get my hair cut shorter, I know that He would love it if I did. I have a hair appointment booked for a couple of weeks time and plan to discuss the options with my stylist then. Time to take the plunge I think.

Without control

He used the Hitachi on her that morning.

It had been a long time, but when He suggested they go into the play room, nothing would have stopped her. When He plugged that particular device in and turned it on, when He placed it between her legs, she felt her hips move involuntarily towards that vibrator. She knew she needed the release it would offer even before He told her it would .

Those early minutes during that session were pleasant, the vibrations flooded though her.

But then the torture began, not that she complained. The zipper, the nipple stretching, the flogger, the violent wand. Not to mention that her ankles were secured in the spreader bar.

It should be mentioned that it has been a while since any of that stuff happened and that she fought a little against those experiences.

He ripped the zipper away. That hurt, big time. He commented about the bruising to her labia, love him!

Then He put the vibrator back in place He opened her labia so that her clit, complete with piercing rested on the bulb. She found herself pressing against it. The vibrations pulsed through her, she knew it wouldn’t take much.

Being allowed to cum though direct stimulation like this would be a rare event, she knew that she should embrace the opportunity.

The orgasm built inside her.  That feeling both inside and outside of you that is both physical and psychological in the same moment. Her hips arched towards the sensations, she allowed them to build and as her body exploded she was sure to tell Him that the orgasm was His. She thanked Him as she is expected to do. She was reminded that not all orgasms feel the same, since most of hers lack physical stimulation but are intense. Just in a different way.

Even though her body was throbbing with each orgasm He didn’t stop. He kept the vibrator between her legs, touching her slick clit. She writhed on the bed, both loving and hating the sensations that machine brought to her. The body was in overload as her hips arched towards what was both pain and pleasure.

Then Master turned the thing off. He decided it was time that He took pleasure from the slave. He exclaimed that she was wet. What did He expect? This slave was as ever without control and at His mercy, but at the same time needing just what He offered. His Dominance over her. At last He pushed inside her. His cock found its way into Her and she was complete, at His mercy.

Kink of the week – Kidnapping / Captive

For me there is something extremely sexy and erotic about the fantasy of being kidnapped and held captive. Especially if that captivity involved being kept naked or scantily clad for a period of time. Or even forever as Master’s sex slave.

There was a time when I might have just wanted a strong, dominant man to take me away from the life I was so unhappy living. Now, though my fantasy doesn’t involve just any dominant, but one in particular. I guess though, in desiring Master to kidnap me, it could only happen once. Linking those thoughts to the reality of my current life. Living in my former marital home, where I can spend only part of the week as Master’s slave, my thoughts of captivity bring with them a kind of freedom.

How wonderful it would be to be taken by Master and told that I am now to stay with him. To be told that I have no need of possessions. That I am his slave to do with as he sees fit, to be used for his pleasure when and how he wants. To be in a place where I can’t escape, and where I am expected to do as I am told, a place where I provide service to him and him alone.

Of course, in this fantasy, I am obedient and always do as I am told. I am not the wilful girl that I often am in reality. I wouldn’t complain about being naked, about being chained if that was what he wanted. I would take pain willingly without resistance, but instead embrace it and love it. What is more, kneeling would be something I could do for long periods of each day, without ever complaining of pain in my knees.

For me, this fantasy is about release. By being taken and held captive, I am able to leave behind the remnants of my former life. I am able to stop worrying about everything else in life other than Master. At last I am able to fulfil my desire to be his slave and property at all times. I am able to devote myself to him, to worship him and to kneel before him naked. Also though I am able to take care of him and to allow him to take care of me.

Perhaps then, this fantasy isn’t about being physically taken and held, but about letting go of the past and about embracing my role as his slave. It is about completing the journey we started two years ago, and acknowledging that it would be so much easier if he just took me, rather than me having to go through the reality of selling the house, divorcing my ex and all of the stresses that involves.

 kink of the week