Being this girl

I'm sitting on the grass with one leg under the other. You can see I'm not wearing panties.

In many ways being this girl is like being someone else. Someone that exists only to be his and to serve. That was likely the purpose of the exercise, as described in this post. Julie was (and is) a strong minded individual. Caring, loving and devoted to loved ones. Hard working and tenacious. All useful qualities but ones that made it difficult to let go. Julie wanted to please, but had a tendency to try to please the wrong people, to allow herself to be used. That’s how this girl came to be.

Then

When Master first broached the idea Julie truly thought he was crazy. This wasn’t something she had experience of, hadn’t even read about. But after a bit of reflection she decided to give it a go. Speaking the words out loud were and still can be hard. After all the word I is a frequent part of our daily language. Surely only weird people refer to themselves in the third person. It turns out that weird people and submissive’s instructed to do so by their Dominants. Try saying it…..”First this girl did this and then she did that” or “Please can this girl come” (the second is probably the most uttered phrase of our relationship). It took some getting used to (both asking and asking in that way.

The key thing that being this girl has done though is to enable her to let go of Julie, to just be a slave. To live in the moment. This was particularly the case during challenging times with the ex and with family. A release from responsibilities at the end of a working week. An opportunity to focus. To be able to come home from work, to change and to speak aloud as your slave self. It was like layers of skin peeling off of an onion to reveal something fresh and new.

If you don’t use the words I or me, then it is easier to request something taboo. To ask to be humiliated or degragated, because it removes the focus from you as an individual. Instead you become a toy, or play thing. An object. So, Julie was able to become property, a thing to be used and played with. A slave with no other purpose than to provide pleasure to her Master.

Now

Of course things were fresh and new right then. We didn’t live together and so our focus when we were alone in a private place was each other. There was a point sometime during 2017 that preparations began for Julie to move in with Master. We began work on decluttering and preparing the house to be sold. Then after the move in 2018 there was a period of settling in and then breast cancer. All of this caused things to change, just a little.

As I’ve said before, this girl is still present in the bedroom. It feels easy these days to slip into the role of slave for those moments. But that’s where the problem lies. Although this girl is still present within Julie, she doesn’t appear often enough. Submission often feels a little further away than it used to and I (deliberate use of this pronoun) don’t know how to get her back. Do I want to? Yes, I do. Being this girl makes me feel safe (not to say that I’m not). She is a big part of my life and I love the feeling she gives me. But these things have to be worked at and it will take two of us to do so. I have the feeling we ought to give it a go.

There’s nothing wrong with our relationship, it just feels different. This was always going to happen because life happens. But maybe it’s time to rethink this Master / slave relationship. This slave needs it.

This girl – speaking in the third person

It was a way of getting me to settle into my new role, as His submissive. Very soon after we got together, Master asked me to use the third person when referring to myself. At first I thought he was joking. But, no he wasn’t. He suggested I use one of the following: this one or this girl. I wrote last year about being called a girl at the age of 50 something and how strange that felt. This girl was a step on from that, but it is what I chose.

For a time on this blog I wrote in the third person. I did it to get used to referring to myself in that way. I stopped because not every post lends itself to being written in the third person. Plus it wasn’t an expectation. There are plenty of times, face to face though when I refer to myself as this girl. He pretty much always calls me girl or this girl.

Where does it come from?

As far as I can see, third person speak in this context comes from the Gorean Lifestyle. Within this culture, the Master has total control over the slave, who in turn has given herself (and it is usually a her) to be owned property. An object to be used as the Master sees fit. The slave girl has no rights, not even to her own name. At the same time the Master cherishes his slave and trains and nurtures her natural femaleness, so she emerges into her true slave.

There is nothing Gorean about our relationship or lifestyle. But Master’s desires for a slave he can own and possess appear rooted in these ideals. At the beginning of the relationship, giving up my given name when with him did help me to let go of external constraints to submission.

How speaking in the third person influenced the development of our relationship

On returning from a short break away together when for several days I had referred to myself as this girl, I wrote.

The difference between Julie, the career woman, mother, daughter and estranged wife and joolz the submissive was greater than it has ever been. Ever!

31st March 2015.

I had learned to let go. To trust another person to take full control of me. One by one he took decision making from me and somehow peeled away the layers I had built up over the years. It is strange to look back now on the person I was, the one who always had to be in charge and control. Referring to him as Sir and myself as this girl was a large part of that process. Because every time you open your mouth to say something, you have to consider your words very carefully. Every time you do something you think about whether you are doing something that is for his pleasure. That was the start of my journey to becoming his slave.

This girl now

She still exists, though it is not overtly evident. Not all of the time anyway. Most days I do consider my slave self. Think of this girl and reflect. I tend to hold my collar when doing it. We don’t have rituals or rules as such. Everything is embedded. I generally know how to behave and what he expects of me. In my head I often think of myself not as Julie but this girl.

To him, that is exactly who I am. He only calls me by my given name when referring to me to others.

But the third person speech is only heard in the bedroom or during play. It naturally flows from my tongue during those times. At the same time it invigorates him and shows him where the power lies in our dynamic.

Reclaimed

It had been perhaps 2 weeks since my last orgasm. There hadn’t been much in the opportunity or indeed desire during our week apart. For one, it was too hot in a bedroom where the air conditioning wasn’t used. A preference of the other occupant. For another I didn’t feel the need and for another my orgasms really don’t belong to me. 

His fingers explored my damp folds and he leaned down to inspect his property. As he placed his mouth over my clit I felt my excitement build and my cunt grow wetter. I took his hard cock in my hand and worked it a little. His tongue still moving over my piercing, he slipped a finger into my vagina. I was moist but a little tight after the abstinence, so he moved his finger in and out, then inserted another. Suddenly the need to orgasm was at the forefront of my mind; an urgent need. Thankfully the countdown was only 5, else I might not have been able to hold back. This was a clitoral orgasm of the finest order.

As he pushed his cock inside me, a feeling of relief overwhelmed. Master is reclaiming his slave, he told me and that is how it felt. He told me to cum again, and this time I felt a gush from inside my cunt and I began to float. He asked me who I was, the answer flowed easily from my lips  – “this girl is Master’s slave”.

Pulling away he instructed me to mount him, so I got off the bed while he rolled onto his back. I climbed aboard and his cock slid into my now wide and slick hole. I tightened my hips and moved up and down on his throbbing dick as he rubbed my clit. More orgasms flowed from me and he pulled me forward arching his hips from underneath. my inner slut was now in full force and I became an orgasm producing machine. Spent, I lay beside him and he took me one last time, releasing his seed into my throbbing body.

I had been reclaimed.

The rediscovery of my submission

Master reminded me on Friday night that we have hardly used my birthday present from last year.  For various reasons I have ridden this beautiful toy only once or twice. It’s purchase dates back to my experiences at the Secret Dungeon a few months before for his birthday. I could never have imagined just how much fun you could have fucking a machine. While the one at the secret dungeon was a sybian, more sophisticated, not to mention automated, this one relies on the user to do the work.

The fucking machine

Back to Friday night. I hadn’t realised quite how turned on I was just discussing the fact that we hadn’t used this fucking machine for several months. But by the time I had put the dildo in place, applied the condom and slid onboard I was pretty aroused. The dildo slid easily in and out of my  wet cunt as I moved backwards and forwards. As Master stood over me, playing with my nipples, sucking me and pinching I knew an orgasm wasn’t far away. 

He stroked my clit and counted down and I came to his demand. Sliding a finger into may arse, he demanded another and more. “Whose slut are you?” 

“This girl is Master’s slut”

The magic words came easily to my mouth. After months of me and I suddenly it was about ‘this girl’ about ‘His pleasing bitch’, ‘slave’. He became Lord and Master, the words falling from easily my tongue During sex I never have problems remembering who I am, of saying what is expected, but somehow this was different. It was as if for months ‘this girl’ had been sitting outside of my body, watching as I went about my crazy life. All at once she crashed into Julie and a submissive was awoken. All of a sudden I was telling Master that more control was needed, that I was proud to be his slave and wanted more of this. More sex, more orgasms, more time on the sex machine. But also rules. More, much more time remembering I am a slave. His slave.

This girl going forward

Today, sober (we had drunk quite a bit of wine) but also not high on the endorphins of recent orgasms I have had time to reflect. After 4 years as Master’s slave it feels as if I am starting from scratch. Learning again what it means to be his property, not just in bed or on a fucking machine, but in everything. 

The machine seems a good leveller. I defy anyone to strip naked, sit on the dildo and begin to rock while their Dominant watches and not feel the need to concentrate. I remember looking up at him as he stood naked in front of me, stroking his cock. I remember him asking me over and over again to repeat who I am, who he is. I remember the feeling of submission sweeping over me and I remember asking for the magic wand. For a different kind of orgasm. 

Life is not all about sex and fucking machines. It isn’t all about Dominance and submission but in this relationship those things are important. Very likely increasingly so. For us, this toy may enable us to get back to being the people we need to be and on a daily basis. Please.

This girl and the plug

When things between Master and this girl were becoming a little more serious, in the summer of 2014 He introduced a contract. He had noted a few thoughts down on paper (He is a man of lists, so it probably was on paper) while He was visiting His then slave. Perhaps the fact He made this girl a slave and started the contract while still visiting helped to inform what happened next.

The contract, which He shared with this girl shortly after His return and which was agreed with one or two small changes has been in place for a while. But, as has been alluded to before, over time, one or two elements of that contract have kind of gone awry.
Funnily enough there are a few things that have stuck firm. For example, this girl feels no need to take over in situations where she doesn’t need to, she is mindful of the need to make Master proud of her, even when He is not there to see what she is up to. She loves it when He takes control of tickets and passes, which is good as sometimes she is a little scatty and prone to lose things. She also enjoys Him choosing and ordering meals for her and there is no problem in calling Him Master or indeed Lord.
But there are two areas where she is often lacking. One is in using the word I to describe herself and the things she will or has been doing and the other is in wearing her butt plug as she should when they are apart.
During this month of March, this girl is going to set about making some changes in both areas. After a weekend of reconnection in terms of Master and slave, this girl wrote this post, reaffirming a desire and determination to refer to herself in the way He demands – This girl.
That evening, for the first time in a few weeks she inserted the larger Njoy plug.
Over the past few weeks, this girl has taken to having a bath on a Sunday evening. Unlike taking a shower, she has been reminded that it is a perfect way to relax and prepare for the week ahead. Feeling warm and happy after soaking in the bubbles, and enjoying whatever book she is reading, this girl gets into her pyjamas spends the rest of the evening watching tv, blogging or reading some more. It seems to be helping her sleep and to be ready for work on Monday.
On Sunday, as stated above, she slipped  pushed the plug in straight after the bath. It has been a while since she had felt the relief and then pleasure of easing it past her anal sphincter and experienced the short period of coolness as the metal rested inside her. Soon, the feelings of arousal began and without touching herself she knew her pussy was becoming moist.
Wearing the plug is intended to be a way of helping this girl remember who and what she is, when she is apart from Master. It is also intended to prepare her for anal sex when He demands it and since she knows He wants and needs that from her soon (and she needs it too) wearing the plug more often is a must.
On that occasion she kept it in place for several hours, until she got up in the night to pee and felt that she might not get back to sleep if it were still in place. Tonight the plug is there again. She has removed her underwear and as she types this blog, can feel it filling her and can also feel the gentle throbbing of her cunt at the same time. This girl is pretty sure that Master would be very pleased to know she is what she is meant to do and that it is having this effect upon her!

The slave I am now

I have been looking back some posts from 2 years ago, early in our relationship and have been thinking about the person I was then in comparison to now.

Life at that time felt busy – a new relationship was developing, but it was one that bears little similarity to the one we now have. It was clear from the start that he was my Dom, and that I was his submissive girl though at that time it manifested itself in the bedroom or playroom rather than all of the time. Gradually though the need of both of us was for something more, something that was a constant, that didn’t disappear because we were apart.

Of course part of this is about the relationship itself developing through time, about us knowing each other, about us having shared experiences and developing a history. But I am pretty sure that there is more to this than familiarity. The M/s dynamic that when we look back, was always evident has enabled me to become the slave I am and that Master wanted all along (even if he didn’t know it either). Kayla Lords post yesterday about using their D/s relationship to manage stressful times resonated with me. Master and I certainly pick up on cues that tell us that one of us is feeling stressed or anxious and use our dynamic to make sure we talk things through, that we use kink to help us through and that we reaffirm our positions as Master and slave. I am mindful of who I am at all times, and know that he is the boss, it is he who makes the decisions. I also know that I have an overwhelming desire to please and serve him which helps me to focus during those difficult times.

The key difference that people notice about me now is that I appear to be a happier, more fulfilled person. They assume, quite rightly that Master is to a great extent responsible for this change. He is, but probably not in the way that they imagine. Yes, the fact I have someone to tell everything to helps as does his encouragement for me to put my and our lives before those of everyone else quite as much as was the case. But the real fulfilment comes from the safety of knowing that I am his slave, his possession. The collar that he placed around my neck last July is part of that, a tangible symbol of my slavery. It does however go much deeper than that, right to the core of who I am as a person.

This morning I have agreed that I must remind myself of my slavery in a much more overt way, and stop using the word I when he and I are together or speaking to each other. This is a rule that has been in place for a long time, but one which I tend to forget about and often only use when we are in bed or playing. Master suggested to me that I often forget who and what I am when life gets busy and he is right. Saying the words “this girl” at the beginning of a sentence really does help to remind me and also to make me think about what I am about to say or do. It will also help me to make sure I am asking rather than telling.

I often write in the third person on here, and that has become second nature (even though I haven’t done it on this post), and that is what needs to happen when I am speaking to Master. After 2 years together this slave is still evolving into the person he wants her to be.

What’s in a name?

Last weekend Master and His girl were chatting about the way they refer to each other. Master asked if she remembered Him calling her by her given name, she couldn’t think of a day when that had happened.

To Him, she is girl or this girl. Often during sex, as previously mentioned she is bitch or cunt. Since she has never been anyone else’s girl or indeed bitch or cunt, she loves this fact.

Early on in the relationship, when it was still D/s, or even before D/s was confirmed for that matter, Master requested that this girl referred to herself as such. At the time it felt like it would be a challenge to comply to His wishes. He said He felt it would help her with her submission and this turned out to be true. By avoiding reference to ‘I’ and thinking and speaking of herself as this girl subtle changes seemed to occur. She started off by using the third person in her blog, writing is often easier than saying something out loud. Over a short time the thinking and writing became second nature so that the girl felt she could easily refer to herself as such to others. Speaking to Master too, it became ever easier to call herself this girl.

Roll forward almost two years and this girl isn’t always perfect at remembering not to use the work ‘I’ during normal conversation and Master doesn’t always insist on it. However it is still a requirement and most of the time it is second nature. He is Master and this girl is just that. What is more He is her Master and she is His girl.

Postscript Sept 2018

Since I moved in with Master he has more frequently referred to me as ‘this girl’. This is a change. Over the past couple of years we had stopped using third person terms, other than in the bedroom. But the clear direction now is to pick this up again. We both want to develop our M/s relationship into one that is 24/7. Using the third person to refer to myself in his company is one of the ways we will likely to this. Watch this space. 

SCC Writing prompt #164

The thing that always pulls me back into the submissive mindset is when Master refers to me as girl, rather than saying for example ‘you’ or using my given name (though to be honest he doesn’t often do that). I am always girl, or this girl, in bed and during a scene; it is my slave name. There are plenty of other names I am called – slut, bitch, cunt; but always girl. If Master reminds me that I should be referring to myself as ‘this girl’, well then that is enough to stop me dead in my tracks and to comply with his wishes. I have to admit I find it interesting that this is the case since I know well I am a woman, a middle aged woman, but to him I am girl; this girl. Of course if he should refer to me as ‘good girl’, well then I am in my element. A swooning submissive slave girl.

The collar is my real world trigger. It is made of titanium and so is not as heavy as a collar made of steel. There are times, whole hours worth of time, when I forget I have it on. I might catch sight of myself in the mirror and there it is plain as day. A sign of slavery, ownership; submission. Sometimes I wonder why the collar of my dress / shirt feels so heavy, and realise it is the collar. Then there are the times I wake with the collar in an odd position and think about the fact I am his slave. After 4 months or so of wearing the collar I can truly say that it continues to add to my feelings of submission. I love wearing it and love the fact that he and I know what it means and also that there are people out there who also know. I also like the fact that 99% of the people who encounter me during my daily life have no idea, most don’t even notice more than some chunky jewellery.

My go to remedy every time would be the butt plug. There is something about the cool metal slipping into the space where you feel nothing should probably be placed. The pressure that you need to apply to get it to ease past the tightness of the anal sphincter and the feeling as it pops into place. Then the feeling of fullness and the effect it seems to have on my general wellbeing. The way it relaxes me and helps me think about who and what I am. Plus, yes, the way it reminds me of what else finds its way into that very space. Master knows the effect the plug has on me, and will instruct me to insert it when he feels I am getting just that little bit bratty, anxious or both.

A girl’s thoughts on being collared and the future.

Master has gone home after a lovely weekend together and this girl now has some time to reflect on the weekend and on our relationship generally. Yesterday, before the collaring Master reminded this girl about her use of the word I, rather than speaking in the third person as she is meant to do. At the beginning it was one of the things that helped this girl manage herself and the stresses of daily life.

It would be true to say that this lapse is just one of the ways in which she has been falling a little short. When a couple doesn’t live together it is really easy to let bad habits creep in. For a slave in that situation it is perhaps too easy to know that He can’t see her all of the time and that He doesn’t want to have to micromanage her behaviours

For this girl though, last night’s collaring feels like a good way to think again about making sure she is being the best possible slave for her Master and is serving Him in the ways that He wishes. So this girl is going to make some changes, to correct some of those things and to prepare the way for further adjustments that she knows are to come.

The two key things that this girl needs to think about are really simple to fix – the first as she has eluded to relate to the use of the third person when engaging with Master. This is designed to help remind this girl that she is a thing, a possession. She knows this to be the case, but needs to remember her place which communicating with Master. As part of this adjustment, this girl is going to use the third person much more when blogging.

The second area that needs to change is that this girl should be wearing one of her butt plugs twice a week to sleep. The problem is that she can’t actually remember the last time she did wear it. This could be easily combined with the requirement that when she loses focus, she look in the the mirror and say out loud that she belongs to Master. This girl feels that these two rules could easily be combined and used much more frequently, along with a new need to kneel. So even without the rewriting of rules this girl will spend some time when alone in the house in the evening kneeling, plugged in front of the mirror in her bedroom thinking about her submission and getting into the right headspace. Then on some of those evenings, this girl will leave the plug in place for the night. As Master has reminded girl, wearing the plug helps to centre her and to allow stresses to evaporate.

This girl is still on a high, sitting here as Master’s collared slave. But she recognises that wearing His collar brings with it new responsibilities. This feels like a new chapter in this girl’s journey as Master’s slave.