Thinking about rules

I’ve written a few times recently about rules. In September for Food for Thought Friday I wrote about the rules of life and a little about my relationship. Then in May, for this series I wrote about how we negotiated our power exchange relationship. But in this post I’ll go into a little more detail about our rules and how they impact our relationship.

Why have rules?

In a relationship such as this, it is important to know how the power exchange dynamic will work and with whom the buck stops. The key thing for me, the slave to remember is that I have agreed to give the power and responsibility for decision making to my Master. This rule is unwritten but understood. That isn’t to say I can’t move without having to ask, far from it. But in all important issues that involve us both I do defer to him.

This takes us to one of the reasons we have such rules. It’s because I need to give up the part of myself that seeks to control everything to him. There, I’ve said it – I need this and he knows it. What is more, he wants to take that control from me so that I am free to serve him and to be his submissive, his slave.

Then why do I fight against it?

It is difficult to change habits of an adult lifetime. It is hard to admit that this is what I need and even more difficult to become dependent upon someone else. I have fought hard through life for my independence, so why would I give it up? Well, I am and I am not. On one hand I am still free to make day to day decisions. But I don’t need to do so alone, nor do I need to have the final say. I can confer and I can ask for help. But it has taken 5 years to get to the realisation that I want it.

But, we are also codependent. He is my Master but also my partner and best friend. We discuss pretty much everything we are going to do that affects me or us both. He mostly discusses things he is thinking of with me, but doesn’t have to. This is a learning process for us both and is something we continue to work on. After all, we came together later in life than many couples.

Contractual rules

We have recently been renegotiating the contract we agreed on in 2014. Much has changed since then, including that our relationship is more committed and that we live together. They can be found below.

  1. “This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master Diogenes
  2. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her holes to her Master for His use and pleasure
  3. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her orgasms to her Master whenever He requires
  4. “This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  
  5. “This girl” will modify her body to please Her Master, including tattoos, piercings, hairstyle and shaping of her pubic hair as He requires
  6. “This girl” freely and willingly accepts that she is her Master’s registered slave under the number 798-167-302
  7. “This girl” wants and needs to serve her Master as His Pleasing Bitch
  8. “This girl” will try to please her Master in everything she does
  9. “This girl” accepts that her Master Diogenes is her Lord
  10. “This girl” will wear a buttplug twice a week, on Tuesdays and Thursdays in order to make her arse-cunt more pleasing for her Master

Many of the specific rules we had in place previously are now encompassed within number 8. I know what they are and tend to do them without thinking. But number 10 is one that i often forget to do and in fact need to attend to right now. Since today is Tuesday.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

My Limits

When I came into this relationship I did so with few preconceived ideas. Though I’d been in another D/s type relationship there was little I’d come across that I didn’t particularly like. The key for me is discussion and negotiation (as per my last post). I may be lucky, but most of the things that would be a complete no for me are the same for Master. So in the main I have been prepared to try most things once.

Hard limits

These would be the things I (or we) wouldn’t be prepared to entertain in our relationship. For me these would include anything involving a nappy (diaper), scat (poo) and serious breath play (such as having my head in a plastic bag or something). There may be others but I haven’t come across them or been asked to consent to them.

But my actual hard limit might surprise some people. I refuse to dress up as a nurse.

I might not work as a nurse now and the last time I wore a uniform for work is more than 20 years ago. But I am a nurse and I will not wear some sexy nurse outfit for anyone. I have dressed as a maid and in a short Christmas dress. I’d dress up in most outfits for fancy dress or a thrill. But a nurse? No. Neither of my Doms have found this a deal breaker.

Soft limits and CNC

Our relationship is built on one of Total Power Exchange and Consent Non-consent. That means that I have signed my soft limits over to Master. He controls them and where necessary pushes them.

An example of something that I would rather not do but isn’t a hard limit is water sports. This is play that involves peeing on him or the ground, or else being peed on. I’ve not been asked to swallow it and am not sure it is something I’d want to do. But actually urine is pretty harmless if it is on your body, though I do prefer to be able to clean up soon after. Over time I have almost come to like the feel of peeing in front of him or over him and really don’t mind him doing it to me.

So, our contract, which I wrote about last time has statements such as:

“This girl” freely and willingly gives control of her mind and her body to her Master

and

“This girl” freely and willingly gives her limits to her Master  

If there really is something I’m not sure about then we will talk about it. But it would need to be pretty far out for me to refuse without trying. That might have something to do with experience so far, or age or the fact I trust Master explicitly and implicitly. Or a combination of all of the above.

Loving BDSM 30 Days of D/s

Breaking the rules

What is your attitude to rules? Do you follow them completely? Do you bend them? Are they there to be broken?

I struggle with the whole concept of rules. On one hand we need laws to ensure people understand what is considered right and wrong. That there are punishments for committing murder, theft, rape etc. But the problem is people love to make rules and even laws for their own sake. Often these seem to be for the purpose of exercising power over others.  Laws relating to sex seem to be for this very purpose. I find it abhorrent that for so long it was illegal for people of the same sex to express their love for each other, have relationships and enjoy sex. Also that women couldn’t terminate unwanted pregnancies. For so many people in the world these things are still illegal and even here where they are not, stigma and taboo remain.

Do you have any self-imposed rules that you live your life by? Do you ever break these?

My personal rules relate to the things I feel are morally right. They relate to respecting others, to being kind and considerate. But also I try not to break some of the more obvious rules of society and laws of the land. I try to treat others as I would want to be treated. I try to stick to the speed limit and to do what I can to help my mum and others that need me. Sometimes though things don’t go so well. I can be intolerant of others, especially those who seem to want to waste time, people that are not prepared, and those who are down right rude. There are times when I can be short tempered and impatient and then I am inclined to forget the rules. 

Within your relationship, are there rules you abide by? Who sets these? Have you ever broken them and, if so, was it deliberate? What are the consequences of rule breaking in this context?

As a consensual slave in a M/s relationship there are rules. We have tried ones that were agreed and written down, but neither of us were very good at them. For me, us living apart meant that some of them were tricky to stick to all of the time and for him, informing them was too much trouble. 

So really our rules are about respect and remembering who has the last word. They are about honesty, about telling him everything and not bottling things up. For us, rules are about me allowing him to take control and being happy when he does. The main rule is that his decision is final. Probably for us that is enough.

The rediscovery of my submission

Master reminded me on Friday night that we have hardly used my birthday present from last year.  For various reasons I have ridden this beautiful toy only once or twice. It’s purchase dates back to my experiences at the Secret Dungeon a few months before for his birthday. I could never have imagined just how much fun you could have fucking a machine. While the one at the secret dungeon was a sybian, more sophisticated, not to mention automated, this one relies on the user to do the work.

The fucking machine

Back to Friday night. I hadn’t realised quite how turned on I was just discussing the fact that we hadn’t used this fucking machine for several months. But by the time I had put the dildo in place, applied the condom and slid onboard I was pretty aroused. The dildo slid easily in and out of my  wet cunt as I moved backwards and forwards. As Master stood over me, playing with my nipples, sucking me and pinching I knew an orgasm wasn’t far away. 

He stroked my clit and counted down and I came to his demand. Sliding a finger into may arse, he demanded another and more. “Whose slut are you?” 

“This girl is Master’s slut”

The magic words came easily to my mouth. After months of me and I suddenly it was about ‘this girl’ about ‘His pleasing bitch’, ‘slave’. He became Lord and Master, the words falling from easily my tongue During sex I never have problems remembering who I am, of saying what is expected, but somehow this was different. It was as if for months ‘this girl’ had been sitting outside of my body, watching as I went about my crazy life. All at once she crashed into Julie and a submissive was awoken. All of a sudden I was telling Master that more control was needed, that I was proud to be his slave and wanted more of this. More sex, more orgasms, more time on the sex machine. But also rules. More, much more time remembering I am a slave. His slave.

This girl going forward

Today, sober (we had drunk quite a bit of wine) but also not high on the endorphins of recent orgasms I have had time to reflect. After 4 years as Master’s slave it feels as if I am starting from scratch. Learning again what it means to be his property, not just in bed or on a fucking machine, but in everything. 

The machine seems a good leveller. I defy anyone to strip naked, sit on the dildo and begin to rock while their Dominant watches and not feel the need to concentrate. I remember looking up at him as he stood naked in front of me, stroking his cock. I remember him asking me over and over again to repeat who I am, who he is. I remember the feeling of submission sweeping over me and I remember asking for the magic wand. For a different kind of orgasm. 

Life is not all about sex and fucking machines. It isn’t all about Dominance and submission but in this relationship those things are important. Very likely increasingly so. For us, this toy may enable us to get back to being the people we need to be and on a daily basis. Please.

Play thing

It had been a long time. We have a busy social life, like to travel and then there has been all of the work we have been doing on my house. Sometimes even our sex life has taken a back seat, heaven knows that a couple in their 50’s can’t physically fit all of that stuff in and still remain awake and able to walk.

So when I say it had been a long time since there was any kind of kinky play, I really mean it. I would need to look back on this blog to discover exactly when and I know both of us have been missing the release that it gives us. But this last weekend we made a conscious effort to make some time which wasn’t about rushing around town or painting walls. The decorating isn’t finished, but we decided we needed a day off and so as not to be tempted I headed to His place for the weekend just to be sure.
Lunch on Saturday was a relaxing meal of some indulgent Iberico ham, salad and wine. As we cleared away Master told me He needed to trim my hair. That is the hair on my pussy, rather than my head, though I know He would like to get his clippers on that too! We have few rules in our relationship but one is that I grow my bush and that He is in charge of trimming it.

So, with me restrained in a spreader bar, wrists cuffed and blind folded, He set about his work with electric hair clippers. Next He started covering me in various temporary tattoos and then got down to the business of using my body as His play object.
As usual  the order of events is far from clear due to the large number of forced orgasms inflicted upon me (grins!) with His Hitachi wand. But what I do remember are the nipple clamps, the violet wand, the pussy pumping thing and quite a bit of flogging. The full range of attachments on the violet wand were made use of, including those I am less fond of (as mentioned the other day).

With each orgasm he made a mark on my tummy, this is useful after the event, since it is so hard to recall and exact number afterwards.

I know He would have had me turn over so He could give me some stripes on my backside, but on Sunday we were going to the cinema to see a long silent film (he is very considerate like that).

At the end of proceedings, He released me from my constraints and instructed me to suck His cock. I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to be able to please Him in that way.

To think I used to think shopping was the best way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

KOTW – Tasks

I need to get back to blogging ways, indeed if I was tasked to do so then maybe I would be better at getting my brain into gear. Even better if Master were to give me a list of topics he would like me to write about.

But seriously, this month’s kink of the week is about Tasks. I have a set of rules that I agreed to when I became Master’s slave, and one or two of them are kind of task orientated. Probably the main one would be that I should wear my butt plug twice a week when we are apart. I am rubbish at keeping to this rule, mainly because I forget. We often chat on Skype late in the evening and after I come off of the call I get ready for bed and am asleep before I know it.

The other rule that has slightly fallen by the wayside is the issue of underwear. I often don’t wear panties but usually these days like to wear a bra. For all I am 54, my tits are still quite firm, but still I do prefer it. Generally he doesn’t push the issue.

Sometimes he will give me tasks to do, but these are on an ad hoc basis, as the mood takes him (as is his prerogative). I am not someone who really needs a massive amount of structure and to be frank I am a calmer, happier human being since I have been with him.

He is someone who likes his slave to be low maintenance and so, while he likes to give me the odd thing to do, he is not really into making sure I do it. We have discussed recently that our dynamic has fallen into something of a routine and that we don’t always make the effort to think about things such as this.

Perhaps this prompt may lead to further discussions on the topic since he reads what I write here and we often follow that up with a discussion.

Tasks are a good thing, but they take effort on both sides. I am willing to give it another go if he is!

Something has happened

It would be true to say that all the time she has been seeing Master things have gradually evolved. To begin with, the knowledge that this was likely to be a short term relationship played on this girl’s mind. This meant she tried to be mindful of her place in His life and the place of the person who was His primary slave. No long term plans were made, and this girl did her best to live by the day. The piercings were something she wanted and she paid for, plus they are only as permanent as you wish them to be. While no specific limits were put in place, neither this girl nor Master pushed for anything that suggested a long term commitment.

But now, we both acknowledge that what we have now is different. This girl says that we acknowledge it, but actually it hasn’t been discussed. The fact is that:

There is no other person
We plan our lives around each other
We are increasingly think of each other before anything is planned
Kinky discussions indicate that this girl has given all control to Master and that this is not just about the bedroom

What has changed is that:

This girl is willing to admit now that the piercings belong to Master and always did
Increasingly she wishes to make no decisions other than those relating to her work and her family
She is willing to cut her hair to His requirements and in the future will consider shaving her head
She is willing to open up their relationship in whatever way He sees fit
She wants a tattoo that will signify His ownership
She wants to wear His collar and wear it 24/7
She recognises her status as His 24/7 slave, whether they are together or not
She thinks of herself as this girl, an owned, registered slave

This girl wonders if it is time to review the contract agreed last year and for this girl to agree some new rules?

Thoughts

I have the urge to write this week as I manage the stresses involved in preparing for time away from work, home and family. I can’t wait to be away from those things and into a world where Master and I are together and I can be His slave for 24 hours a day.

Right now there are lots of reasons why time following the rules already set down would help me get myself back into a good place again. That is without any thoughts of new rules or suggestions instructions about how to move on with certain aspects of my life which are in the offing. As Master has said on a number of occasions, you need to be careful about what you wish for.

Mum is still in hospital, though her discharge is imminent. She has done well and the idea that she will return home post hip replacement while I am away in a foreign land fills my brothers with fear. At the same time I feel relief. Since my dad died she has had me on some kind of string which, while it has improved our relationship has at times been unhealthy for me. They need to take more responsibility and boy will they get it. I am sorry to say that my mum is a trifle difficult and at times not even a nice person. If this sounds unpleasant I am afraid to admit it is. But she is my mum and I am prepared to put up with her caustic tongue and demands in the main. But having Master help establish boundaries is a great help, for all concerned!

Work is busy. This is the busiest time for it –  our financial year ends on 31st March. Plus we are heading into an election and for those of us working in the public sector is means a period of storm before a calm and then hell……. We are sadly subject to politics and while the day job goes on, policy stops and then starts with vengeance once the election is over. We can only hope for continuing calmness in the coming months, but I won’t hold my breath.

Hubby no longer lives here, nor does my son who happily is living in domestic bliss with his girlfriend. So the time to finally sort out the house nears. Plus we are getting close to 2 years of separation so a divorce looms. Energy is needed and will be found for that last push.

So that leaves Master and I.

We are two people of middle age who enjoy each others company. When we are out together most people wouldn’t have any idea that the dynamic between us is any different from any other. Maybe people (if they notice) might wonder why I, as a woman of a certain age wear no bra. They probably won’t realise that i wear no knickers. Not that I particular worry about these things, given that I am so slutty. The time away in Spain will allow me to start to reintroduce dresses rather than the trousers and jeans that have been a feature during the winter.

Further, when Master hands me a ticket to pass through a barrier at the station, and I then hand it back to him, will go un noticed. But I am not permitted to carry such tickets (Ok, so the oyster card is different since otherwise we wouldn’t be able to travel around London).

When we are out for dinner, I rarely order food for myself and never wine.

The dynamic we have is now a natural one for us both. I am available for Him and He accesses my body when He wishes.  I am respectful and will generally be calling Him Master rather than Graeme.

But I do seek more, probably need more.

This time together will help us to determine what that looks and feels like for us both.

This is a break away from the world that we both need. Plus we will have some great times, of that I am sure.

I am taking my phone, camera and iPad. I plan to post a little, perhaps some photos and a word or two here or there. Maybe this will be a travel blog with a word or two of kink for a while. That might be fun too.

a girl’s slavery

A few weeks ago we registered this girl as Master’s slave. Interestingly around a similar time to fiona.  Even though the decision to make this girl His slave came many months ago, Master and this girl have taken their time in working through the details. There has been a contract since last summer and in the autumn the slave bracelet.

This is of course partly because at the time the relationship was a polyamorous one. Plus there were so many things going on in this girl’s life.

All relationships need time to develop, and this one was no exception. Now though, this girl believes we are ready for the next steps. Registering as Master’s slave was the first of those.

For some time, this girl has been asking Master for a bit more control, perhaps some more rules. She is mindful that His previous slave was particularly high maintenance and that He is a person who doesn’t do micro management. In the main, she is able to manage herself during day to day life. But she does feel that too often she still does things without consulting and checking He would be happy. She often doesn’t ask permission to do things, but still tells Him her plans. This girl thinks that this is the area of her life that needs to change, just a little.

We don’t live together, so this is not a 24/7 relationship. But Master’s influence is present in her mind most of the time.

As this girl moves towards the day when Master collars her, a review of the rules within which she operates see to be a reasonable idea.

We are going on holiday in a week and will be gone for two weeks. This feels like a good time for evaluation and renegotiation.

This girl is definitely ready for that next step in her slave journey.

A different weekend

A post, revisiting some of the 30 days of submission, by little at willing slut had me thinking. In this post she reviews her need for structure and rules against what she wrote in 2012. I have already revisited this question in the context of my current relationship and like her things have changed. I have a need for the rules within which I have agreed to live – I have a contract now and for me that means something.

We don’t live together 24/7 and are unlikely to do so in the future, for a number of reasons all of which relate to our own needs; that we both need or own space. He has lived alone for a long time and I need to learn to do so soon. But we do spend quite a bit of time together, usually at the weekend. We also have contact during the week, often by Skype. This weekend is different.

This weekend He is spending time with His daughter and I am spending my time with my mum. I have brought us both to France. We have been through a difficult few months and we both need some time away. It is sunnier and warmer here than at home. Plus I have some things to do at the apartment, preparation for the winter and for next year too. Being away with a person who at the moment needs assistance, guidance and care is challenging. Being the one who needs to take charge is kind of weird. Add to that the need at times for me to remind her that she can do things and that I am not going to just let her sit indoors doing nothing. Since my son is grown up, I don’t regularly need to do this kind of thing any more and doing it feels out of my comfort zone.

Generally I feel His control all of the time. When we are together of course – He makes the decisions, though offers me choices. I don’t even always choose my own food when we eat out, let alone where we go. When I am on my own, I consider what He might think of my choices around the time I make them. Sometimes I consult with Him and He ‘advises’. Here though, I don’t feel it so easily.

Yesterday was tiring and stressful. I managed 2 carry on bags and a mother hanging on my arm through an airport, onto a plane, off a plane, at the car hire and into the apartment here (up 2 flights of stairs). I tried to be mindful of her needs at all time, and not to snap. Her needs were paramount and that was at times hard (I am balancing what she thinks she wants and what she probably needs). I need to be more assertive and controlling with her. It gives little time for my needs and for wondering if I am doing things in the way He would want. Or does it? Maybe, He would have been pleased with the way I did things. Maybe this whole thing is on a more subconscious level these days?

Our only conversation yesterday was by text. Today will likely be the same, but that feels fine. He has  things to do and so do I. There will be plenty of time to be together in the future and actually I have His control despite us being apart.