Fear

The Erotic Journal Challenge for October is Fear. I love that Brigit has gone for a month long theme and hope it is something she will continue. I love to join in with memes but struggle with my originality and often feel I am repeating myself. For this one though I may well post a couple (or more) essays on my thoughts about my fears. Brigit has helpfully posed a few questions and this is the first one:

What are your sexual fears / insecurities?

Body image

I guess most of my sexual fears relate to my body and insecurities about it. I currently weight the most I have pretty much ever. I want to lose weight and am trying. But so far this year I have failed spectacularly in doing so. This massively affects my self image and I struggle to see why I might be attractive to another person. I also know that I am less fit than I could be so not very agile.

Finally of course there is the small matter of only having one tit. This is most evident (unsurprisingly) when I am naked. A by product of having had cancer are the hormone inhibiting tablets I take, which have side effects of weight gain and joint pain. The latter for me is more of a stiffness, which makes getting up from the floor for example a challenge.

Performance

We have had our fair share of sexual performance issues over the years. I am always fearful that another is around the corner. I am not so young and agile, I am overweight and taking hormone inhibiters. What if my vaginal juices dry up, what if I can’t get into a particular position, what if I can’t orgasm? From time to time all of the above have happened, though each has been a passing phase. There was also a period of time when my body seemed to go into spasm when he pushed his cock into me, causing pain. This lasted a little longer, but also passed. However I am always worried the problem will return.

I worry that Master will no longer fancy me, that my body will not satisfy his needs. Or that I will begin to push him away as I did my husband. So far this has only happened if I am tired or emotional, but the fear is always there. What’s more, he says he fancies me more than ever, that he wants and needs me.

Getting over our fears

I haven’t arrived at the age of 57 without learning to be realistic. That my body, that both of our bodies are ageing. We have learned to pace ourselves and know when sex is best for us. He is also good at listening to my troubles and woes and mostly dealing with them effectively. Unsurprisingly he is usually right. There is really no reason to believe we will go off of each other. More likely we are going to grow old disgracefully together. But that doesn’t completely stop the fears from emerging nor does it prevent me from getting carried away with my negative thoughts.

But I will plough on with trying to improve my image of myself – try to lose some weight, try to get fitter. These will be especially important as I prepare for my reconstruction surgery. Then hopefully I can look in the mirror and like myself just that little bit more and feel like the sexually attractive woman he says I am. Then maybe those fears will go.

Finishing up the 30 days about me (27-30)

These have been hanging around for far too long so here goes – 27 to 30:


A favourite restaurant
I don’t have a particular favourite, but like to eat out. My favourite kind of restaurant would be one that is not part of a chain, and one where they cook all their own food. By saying that, you can see what I am saying, all too many places these days seem to buy their food in already prepared. I can use a microwave at home, I don’t need to pay over the odds for this kind of food. 

My favourite type of food would be maybe Thai or Chinese (Sir and I had a lovely Thai meal when we were away for the weekend recently), or maybe a good quality Italian meal. I rarely eat pizza, but when away on holiday I like to treat myself. There is a lovely pizza restaurant where I holiday in France, and since I am going there on Saturday, I will be partaking of that treat soon.

There is a restaurant close to Sir’s house that he keeps threatening us to try. Every time we try to go there though it is closed or full! Sometime soon I hope to be able to review that place!

A skill I’d like to learn
I would love to be able to speak French more fluently. I learnt French at school, and have visited often, but the kind of French you need at school and the kind you need to have a useful conversation on holiday are two things. I have more time now, so really I have no excuse. I have no real problem in saying things, but then get into a mini panic when the person I have spoken to, replies and I struggle to understand exactly what they have said. The ability to hold a conversation in French, that’s the skill I would like to have!

Something I could never tire of
Spending time with Sir. That is something I don’t get nearly enough of and can’t really tire of. Especially the times when he has me in the position he wants me and is using me in whatever way he wants. I have particularly found that I like to suck him, something of a revelation since it wasn’t my favourite thing in the past. Now, I love the smell, taste and feel of Him inside my mouth. Particularly as his lovely cock starts to grow even bigger as I suck. It is an amazing feeling and something I am definitely not going to get tired of.

Three wonderful things that have happened in my life
The first has to be the birth of my son and the time since. He is about to graduate from University, and I am immensely proud of all he has achieved. Yesterday, I was looking at a photo of him aged about 5 looking so young and innocent, sitting cross legged in shorts and tee shirt and sun hat. Then I think of him now, revising for his final exam for his degree and wonder where the time has gone. What has returned now he has grown up is the affection for me that he hid during his teenage years. He gives a great hug these days and that is special.

Secondly the opportunity to be a nurse. My career as a nurse has shaped my life and made me the adult I am. Even though I haven’t looked after any actual patients for about 10 years, all my work since then has been influenced by the knowledge and skills I learnt as a nurse.  It is something I am proud of.

Thirdly, has been meeting Sir and the other people I have met in learning about and discovering this more kinky lifestyle. I didn’t know what was missing from my life. But now I have kink and I have such wonderful friends (plus a wonderful Master) I feel really happy and fulfilled. That is what gets me through the more difficult times here at home. Long may it continue!

30 days about me – 24, 25 and 26

Not long to go now before I manage to reach 30. A mixture today.

24.   Something that makes me smile

There is something about the innocence of childhood that is just so joyous and there is nothing like memories of your own children, the things they say and do that remind you of that. Something that makes me smile is looking at photos of my now grown up son and remembering happy moments, thinking of the wonderful things he has said and done. Recently, when preparing to leave my job, I found a whole set of holiday photos from 2003 on my personal drive at work. I don’t remember how they got there, and I had assumed they were lost (when did we stop printing?) The photos were of a holiday to France which included hubby, myself and son as well as my parents, niece and nephew. Son and nephew were 12 and niece 10, they all still have that look of being children. My parents look fit and well (something neither are now unfortunately). It was lovely to remember day after day of sunny weather, trips to the beach where the boys loved to dig holes in the sand and bury each other and my niece. There were days where we swam in lakes or visited castles. There were evenings in various restaurants. Lovely memories and photos that brought a smile to my face.


25.   The contents of my purse

In the UK a purse means the thing you keep your money and cards in, but I take purse in this context to mean my bag. Generally I favour something reasonably small so that it is not heavy and I am not tempted to fill it too much. I have different bags depending on what I am wearing or the time of year. By changing often I try not to carry too much around. Generally though I will have my purse (the one for money), keys, phone, hair brush, lipstick, lip balm and tissues. If I am travelling somewhere then I will usually have my kindle with me. There are usually a number of receipts from various purchases, but otherwise not too  much. 


26.   Something I’m looking forward to

The thing I look forward to most right now is the time I can get to spend with my Sir. Obviously I look forward to other things too, but most of all seeing Him. I don’t have to wait long either as I am seeing him tomorrow and I am staying for a couple of nights. That is lots to look forward to!

More about me – 21 to 23

It’s Sunday and I am currently thinking about getting on with some things. I say thinking, so what better way to pass some time without actually getting on than by catching up with more things about me. So here goes.

21.   A self portrait

What to say about me to paint something of a picture? Well quite tall – 5’8″, brown hair which was once more auburn but now that it is out of a bottle is the colour I choose. Blue eyes which are good at picking up the colour of certain blue / turquoise clothes I might wear. I am fair skinned with freckles, which I hated as a child but am used to now. I am a little over weight, I try hard to keep the weight down, but this year I am struggling. I suspect I am about to go through the menopause and that in itself makes weight control difficult. I have long legs and that I think helps me seem less fat than perhaps I am. Sir says he loves my legs in stockings and heels, and I think they do look good! 
22.   What I love about my job

Of course I am currently not working, but my profession is nursing. I became a nurse because I wanted to care for people, and make a difference to their lives. As I moved through my career as a jobbing, bedside nurse, I found that the difference I could make to their individual likes was fine in itself, but that I wanted to do more. To make a bigger difference. I moved then through a succession of management jobs – nurse education, commissioning and lately in a job about improving the experience of patients with cancer. I love to work with people, to be part of a team and to care. On International Nurses Day it is important to keep that grounding!

I hope to be back in a job I love soon.

23.   Eight things you don’t know about me
I have done some memes before where I say stuff about myself, so if I repeat anything then its because I forgot what I have already said. 
  • I have an orange car – Very useful when you have forgotten where you parked
  • I am best suited to a temperate climate since I don’t like to be too cold or too hot
  • I like the idea of exercise, but often find it dull. I am a clock watching exerciser!
  • I would usually choose savoury over sweet, but just sometimes there is nothing like chocolate – preferably good quality milk chocolate
  • Every time I buy a pair of shoes I have to have a blister of sore area before they can become comfortable. It is very very irritating.
  • I love to read and recently joined a book club. One of the best things about not working at the moment is that I have time to read. I am currently reading 2 books – Romola by George Eliot (as mentioned on my post about Florence) and The Painted Kiss by Elizabeth Hickey which is for the next book club meeting at the end of the month
  • I enjoy those American crime type series like CSI and NCIS. I also like to read mystery type books. 
  • I love History and finding out about places. I like to imagine how things used to be when I visit a place. I loved to think about people from 100, 200 or whatever years ago walking where I walk. 

Some more of 30 days of me

Just like with the 30 days of submission, it is taking a while to get through these, so I am going to post about 3 of them today and weave in some of my thoughts following yesterday’s post. 

What I wore today

Since it is shortly before 10am, as I write this, I am still wearing what I wore today (as it were). That is jeans and a white shirt. Since giving up work, I have worn jeans / trousers pretty much every day. Except that is one day last week when it was sunny and warm (today is sunny but not very warm) and I chanced a summer skirt and tee shirt. Getting back into work wear once I restart work will be kind of strange I think. During the winter Sir has been very tolerant of my wearing trousers, I am sure though that as the weather improves I will be wearing more of the kind of clothes he likes, and loving it!

Most memorable of 2013 so far

I think that even if I answered this on 31st December, my most memorable kinky day will be this one. The other memorable day hasn’t happened yet – my son graduates this summer and I think that will be something very special.


Something that means a lot to me

Contrary to what people might think, my marriage means a lot to me. To have been married for nearly 29 years (in June) is an amazing thing. I remember when we reached our 5th anniversary, I threw a party – that is the achievement getting to that milestone seemed. Already we had been through problems of his infidelity, little did I know that he continued to see the person after that date. But as he says, that is all a long time ago.

Hubby is questioning whether I am currently throwing away the best part of our lives by questioning whether I want to stay married to him. I don’t believe that at all, but I certainly don’t consider going down this path lightly. 

As a friend said to me this morning in an email, marriage is a partnership and sometimes things for one person change more than the other. For us I think that is  the case. Hubby is confused, since in his eyes he is trying hard to change, but for me it feels too little too late. Plus, there is the added problem that I have discovered so much about myself that I can’t quite see where he fits any more. 

However, every time I get close to admitting that we should perhaps call it a say, I pull back. This happened over the last 12 hours. I know that is, while I truly value my new relationship with Sir and the things we do together. My relationship with hubby and our marriage also means a lot. 

Thinking about the previous question – the most memorable event – I think it is true to say that  this year over all will be pretty memorable, whatever happens in the end.

Someone who inspires me

I have thought about this for a few days, and have struggled to think of a specific person who I am currently inspired by in all things. In the past there have been people at work, colleagues or managers whom I have been inspired to emulate (and others of course I would rather not). Those who are good leaders, who support, encourage and yes inspire their colleagues to achieve and to perform well.

Right now though, I am inspired by some other women. Women who have taken the step to review and re-evaluate their life and who have been brave enough to do something differently. It seems to me now I have embarked on the path that I have, that there are quite a few such women around. On Saturday I went on a hike into the English countryside, with a group I have just joined. It was open to all, and there was a variety of age groups. Most of the group were women, out of 34 people there were only about 7 or 8 men. Most didn’t know each other, but during the course of a long day people began to get to know each other, to talk about their work, their travels, their home lives. A large number of the women were single, and a number of those happily so. During the day, it was reaffirmed to me that it is possible to live your life differently to the way I have always assumed to be my destiny and what is more, that you can do so with contentment. What you do need though is friends, people who can offer each other support, who can share good times and bad, have fun and perhaps travel.

A photo taken on my walk

As I have said before, my circle of friends had become small and was getting smaller. My life was about myself, my husband and son and a few close family members. With the break up of my brothers’ marriages and the ill health of parents, our social life became even less active and interesting than it was before. Hubby wasn’t exactly bothered by this (or didn’t appear to be). I didn’t expect to need to strike out on my own, but that is what I have done. I am finding that perhaps it isn’t quite as scary as I imagined to widen my circle and to meet new people. In fact it is enjoyable and I intend to do more of it.

Three Blogs I always read

It is coming up to a year since I started blogging here.

This is not my only blog, I have another which is mainly about work related stuff and where I have also discussed the state of nursing and of healthcare amongst other things. Through that other blog, I have found a few people with whom I have interacted online and who are currently facebook friends. I have blogged since 2006, not always regularly. Now I have more time, and now the fog of the last few months at work are beginning to lift, I have begun to post there again.

This blog though feels different. I have used it to feel my way through a whole new episode in my life. I have at times been overwhelmed by the wonderful support I have been given here. I have also found some wonderful blogs. Those blogs have made me smile (and even laugh), cry, wince (at the pain some people enjoy). I have found a group of people I can identify with, many of those people are women, but equally some are men. I have found I like to look at sexy and erotic photos, and have seen that these can be beautiful, funny, sad and a real turn on. I have enjoyed the stories of peoples lives and the wonderful fiction that flows from the key boards of others.

I have chosen the blogs on my blogroll because I can identify with the people who write them in some way. I always read all the updates when I have time to do so, and if I feel like commenting, then I do that too. I can’t choose three blogs, because there are so many. The list increases as I discover new ones, and there remains plenty of room at the side of my blog to add them.

To all my fellow bloggers, thanks for being there and for writing such amazing stuff worthy of reading. I read you all.

A favourite piece of architecture

We are lucky here in the UK to have so many historical buildings, many of which are beautiful to look at. Of course we have our fair share of newer buildings, some like the building we call the Gherkin, are striking, and others are ugly. One of my favourite buildings and therefore architecture is this one.

I love that you can see it from a distance, even taking account of the other taller buildings around and you immediately know what it is. You can’t mistake it for any other building. I have been inside and indeed to the top (though years ago now) and the views across London are wonderful. At that time, there were few opportunities to see the skyline of London in that way. Now you can go up in the London Eye for example. 
This has been something of a quiet weekend. Hubby was away for all of it, reappearing this morning to get changed for work and collect his lunch. Yesterday as I was ironing his clothes, it occured to me how far apart we have drifted and what I am to him. I know that I will have to change that, but just need that extra bit of energy to do so.
Sir is away on a much needed holiday with his children, so there is no contact between us, and I am missing our chats. We have a weekend together to look forward to soon and it is that which is keeping me going through all of this. I really am looking forward to getting centred again with him. 
Meanwhile, I have a number of lunch dates. One of which is in London and you know I might just get a glimpse of St Paul’s in the process. 

Something I am Proud of

Back to the 30 days. I have delayed continuing this series because I wasn’t sure what to write. The person I have most pride in is my son. He has turned into a kind and thoughtful young man who has demonstrated that hard work in your studies really does pay off. It took him a long time to persuaded that he had the potential to achieve, but once that happened (when he was around 17), he never looked back. I will be the proudest mum ever when he graduates this summer.

I am also proud of the way he is handling things between his father and I. He has already told me that he loves us both and won’t take sides. He has not pushed for details about the reasons for our difficulties and I have not burdened him with them. What he thinks deep down may be revealed in the fullness of time.

There are a number of changes taking place in my life as I approach the possibility of the end of my 28 year marriage. I have also recently lost my job, as I have already said. This offers me risks, but also opportunities. I have already identified that I don’t have the friends around me that I would have wished for. So many have fallen by the wayside. But I am now trying to form new friendships and have already been reasonably successful. I have a couple of friends I have met through fetlife, with whom I meet regularly for lunch / coffee and a chat. I also exchange emails and chat, and I have started to form a friendship with a lady who is part of a couple Sir and I will soon play with. But my social world needs to extend further and I have joined an organisation through which I can meet people socially and have arranged to go on a walk next Saturday and a treasure hunt kind of thing at the end of the month.

This is near where I will be walking next weekend

My instinct during all of these troubles is to sit at home and complain that my husband has taken offence to the choices I started to make last year and is more often than not absent. But sitting at home and moaning will do nothing. That is what led me to the situation in which I find myself. So it is time to live my life, to do new things and that is something of which I hope to be proud.

3 Years ago today and The last item I purchased

I barely remember what I was doing last week, so asking me to think back 3 years is a massive challenge. In April 2010 I think I was getting on with life, I was busy doing a job that I didn’t completely enjoy and living a life that was ok but nothing special. My son had gone off to University the previous autumn, so I was getting used to the empty nest. I was probably irritated with hubby since I know that I was constantly irritated by him. But as for remembering April 2nd 2010; no I can’t do that.

Thursday was my last day at work. I was made redundant effective from 31st March (Sunday) and so today, as I write this I am unemployed. Well this is not technically true since I have chosen to take early retirement. Because I have worked for the National Health Service for over 30 years, and have paid my pension since age 18 and since I started off as a nurse, I am entitled to retire on a full pension. I know I am only 50 and doing such a thing seems strange, but actually it gives me lots of opportunities. I no longer need to work full time or indeed all of the time and for the first time in my life I have money to spend and money to invest.

On Friday I went to an electrical retailer near to my house and bought myself a MacBook Pro. I have always been a windows girl. We bought our first computer in the mid 1990s and that PC and subsequent purchases (various laptops) have often mirrored what I have used at work, even down to the office software. But since I have an iPhone, and since Christmas an iPad it feels like time to make the leap to Apple. I have spent the weekend playing with my new toy and while it is quite different from my previous laptop I am getting the hang of it thank you very much. I will go as far as to say, I think I am going to love it!