Thoughts on kneeling

I am hooded and kneeling, hands on the floor. I am wearing a collar and leash and am naked.

I’ve written a few times about kneeling, that well known symbol of submission. There are also a few images of me doing so, including the one above. That one is in a particular context that doesn’t happen often. But in this post I wrote about some of the practical issues and believe me they are real. Nearly 4 years have passed since then and I’m closer to 60 than 50. Plus medication following my breast cancer treatment has led to stiffer joints.

But I do like to kneel from time to time. There is no doubt that kneeling before Master, especially if he is clothed and I naked will always be special. It definitely does something to my head. It seems weird to say so, but it really does make me feel more submissive. I love when he reaches down and touches my hair, or when he holds my head still as I suck his cock.

In the main our symbols of submission are less overt these days. When I wrote that and other posts about kneeling we didn’t live together. Kneeling was one of those rituals that helped centre me and us back into our roles as dominant and submissive. But these days we are together pretty much all the time. In fact just a hand on my bottom, or a pull on my collar are sufficient.

However I plan to continue to kneel when it feels right or he demands it. I tend to need a cushion to kneel on and a hand to get up. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to do so nor does it mean I won’t. I’d just prefer not to kneel too much. Luckily he doesn’t tend to demand it often. which I guess makes it that bit special when he does and I do.

This post is linked to No True Way. Click below to see who else has written about kneeling this week.

Street view

I am standing at the tall open window naked. It is night time. In front of me is a wooden railing.

A pleasant side effect of the need to rent properties this holiday has been the photo opportunities they have presented. Our current one is an old village house with a room on each floor. The walls are thick and there are only windows to the front. So, it is cool, even on the hottest of days. I suspect you could keep it warm easily in winter too. On the first floor is a lovely living room, simply furnished. It has a desk where I have been able to blog, and also worked on morning last week. The best feature though is the large window giving us a view of the street and the blue sky above the tall buildings.

It’s a quiet place, though people bustle along during the day on their way to market, the shops or perhaps to the lake which is in the opposite direction. It’s narrow so a passing car is a rare event.

This photo was taken a few nights ago, and although I’m pretty sure no one was around to see (other than the photographer), this would have made some street view.

We leave this lovely place today as damage to the apartment has been fixed and it’s habitable again. But I’ll always remember the beautiful house with the steep stairs and lovely balcony. Plus, rest assured there are more photos to share yet.

This post is linked to both Sinful Sunday and the Scavenger Hunt. To see who else is joining in click on the images below.

Ready

I hadn’t intended to disappear from the radar this past week. But events over took me and I’ve had to go with the flow. The great news is, we are in the warm and sunny south of France. The other good news is we are enjoying some great food and drink as well as the sun and sea. On the downside we have have been forced to rent a couple of local properties (due to availability) because our own place is currently uninhabitable (hot water issues). But that in itself has brought new joy. Because we have had the chance to experience some period houses, places with thick stone walls and spiral staircases.

So, once the initial stress has passed. Once I came to terms with the need to spend serious money on sorting out the water heater. Plus, once we had access to wifi (another issue to be sorted). I was ready for some fun and attention. Ready for Master to take me and to crave my body.

Master took this photo of me and modified it to make it black and white so it fits with this month’s Sinful Sunday prompt. But I couldn’t decide between the more natural and the over exposed one. So I’m posting them both.

Hopefully I’m also ready to write and post many more words this coming week, in between doing all the DIY we expected to do and making our apartment habitable again.

A little pink

A wooden spoon can be used for lots of things. Making cakes, fixing stuck plugs holes and providing a pink bottom. I don’t mark easily, so Master was quick to take a photo of his handy work. I trimmed the image a little and hope it fits in with the August Sinful Sunday prompt.

Click on the lips to see who else has joined in this week. I am going to try to post more this month, a lot more. So I’m joining in with Violet’s Blog Days of Summer. Click below to find out more.

Back

Yes, this is a picture of my back, and bottom etc. I’m not sure when it was taken but I quite like the shape of my body in the image.

I’ve been reflecting this week on my blogging future and have found that just by writing about what is troubling me, I feel more positive. It’s weird, because that’s the advice I’d give to anyone when faced with an issue. Talk (or in this case write) about it.

I didn’t actually go anywhere and have no intention of doing so. But I do feel like the real me is back. I have some plans for the blog and that will involve a redesign and change of emphasis. It will also probably mean I’ll write less new stuff for a while. Because it is actually impossible to write, read, make changes and think all at the same time. I know because I’ve tried and it made me particularly unproductive!

I have no intention of changing one thing though: I plan to keep sharing my photos and participating in memes like Sinful Sunday. Click the lips to see who else is linked up this week.

Fear and Trust

This week is Sinful Sunday prompt weak, but I just don’t have anything movie related to share. So, I’ve decided to show an unseen photo and combine it with this week’s Quote Quest prompt.

Standing naked infront of a mirror. The image is black and white and was taken at a dungeon.

“Right on the edge of fear was where trust could grow.”

― Cherise Sinclair

There’s no doubt I’ve come a long way since I started this blog. There is no way I would have posted naked photos of myself online 8 years ago. Nor would I have posted my face on this blog. But somewhere along the line I began to trust myself and my audience with images like this. The fear that I would be found and outed receded and my confidence in my own body grew.

It helped of course to be with a man who loves to photograph me at my most vulnerable. He started to show images of me on his Tumblr blog (usually without my face back then) and would put them amongst other photos of what turned him on. This was a big thing for me. Because many of those other women were slimmer or younger than me. But here Master was, telling me and the world that I was as (if not more) appealing to him as them.

Since my mastectomy my confidence has taken a knock. It might seem that I am happy with my naked body, but I do prefer my old one. However I believe it is right to show myself as I am now. To promote body positivity for people like me who are now disfigured. To show that there is life after a diagnosis of breast cancer. But mostly to show that it is still possible to be a sexual human being loved and desired.

In this photo though, I am hiding myself a little. The position of my hands and phone mean that you have to look carefully to see I only have one boob. I wonder why I took the photo in this way. I was feeling happy and proud that morning, the photo is one of several I took in March in the Hoxton Dungeon. So, there’s no reason to hide. It does give a hint though as to the way I live my life now. I could go out without a bra on, but it feels weird and I am fearful people would notice.

I want nice lingerie but it’s difficult to find, I want bras from the Knicker Fairy. But I am not sure they are suitable, so I am going to try one or more which have pockets for people to add more padding. You see, even if you can see that what’s inside the bra is false it might still make me feel good. I want to show myself with pride and to feel good in the process. Watch this space for the end results.

Shaping up

I have to admit to being quite pleased with the way that my body shape is beginning to change. Also that I can now wear some of my smaller panties. Like this leopard print style ones. This serves as a useful reminder before I completely throw my lifestyle changes out of the window.

This last week has been a weird one. We were lucky to have spent the weekend in London, despite the cancellation of Eroticon. Now that everything is closing down, I am so glad we did. Trouble is, I’ve kind of continued the weekend all week and so have been worried I’m going to get a weight gain. But when I hopped on the scales I found it is minimal and can be reversed by a couple of stricter days. This image also shows me how I am shaping up and why I don’t want to let it go.

Curves

Me in the bath showing my curves. Legs, and tummy rolls on show.
Bath colour caused by a Turmeric Latte bath bomb!

I am very curvy. I have curves in places I like, but also in places I don’t. For years I hated the sight of my body and would only look at it in a mirror that I found flattering. I also avoided the camera. This was helped along by the fact I always seemed to be the one behind the camera. Whole holidays passed with 60 photos of my son, a few of my husband and lots of the scenery. There’d be an occasional one of me, but if I felt I looked too fat, I’d hide it away or throw it out. We’re mainly talking pre-digital here, because those just never saw the light of day.

But things have changed. While I am still not sharing photos of myself in a swimsuit with family and friends I have no problem with showing my curves here on my blog. So, what has changed?

Writing about sex and kink

To begin with my posts were pretty much just words, though one of my first ever posts did contain a photo of me in a maid’s outfit. Gradually I introduced images, mainly those I found on Tumblr. But then I met Master and he took photos of me, some of which I liked more than others. S also took a few and they too appeared here, but there aren’t many. Now, I like to use a photo of or by me to illustrate my blog where possible.

Body positivity

I’ve definitely grown to like and love my curves more since I’ve been with Master. Partly because of his body positivity. He always tells me he loves my curves, loves to feel them, see them and photograph them. He loves the way I look in leather and other fetish gear. Admires my nipple piercing jewellery and me generally naked. In fact that’s the thing that set’s him apart from the other men I’ve had in my life. That he likes me naked. I’m not always so thrilled with the finished product. So, I’ll try and crop out what I think is the worst of my lumps and bumps.

Post mastectomy was a difficult time. But at the moment I feel happier posting a photo of my chest on my blog than going round without a bra. Go figure that one out!

Sensorship

There are few places that it’s ok to show photos of a naked body. It’s ok to show a man’s naked chest on Instagram, Facebook or Tumblr but not a woman’s. A self hosted blog and twitter for the moment are ok. But who knows when this creeping censorship will creep up on us further.

Sinful Sunday and February Photofest

It was really joining in with these two meme’s created and run by Molly Moore that sealed my place as a shower of my own curves. I’ve just completed my fourth February Photofest and am proud that I posted every day. Most of the images were of me. They ranged across the history of our relationship and if you look you’ll see that sometimes I have more curves than others. At the moment I’m proud to be shrinking down a little and that makes me happy.

As for Sinful Sunday. Often I’ll only post once or twice a week when I am busy or away travelling and one of those will usually be a Sinful Sunday. Our images aren’t always as creative as others but we try to make some effort.

When I look back over the almost 8 years of this blog I am amazed to see how far I’ve come. Not just in the quality and quantity of my writing but also in what I’m prepared to share of myself and our relationship. I can’t see that changing any time soon. I’m 57, I have had a mastectomy and I am a big curvy woman. And, I’m proud to share myself with anyone who would like to see me.

Happiness is….

My happiness is complete when I look at him and see this.

Without Master in my life none of these February Photofest images would have been possible. Whether because he took them, was in them or inspired them. Thank you.

So, that’s it folks for another year. Thank you for visiting and commenting. See you next year, by which time I will have amassed a whole new collection and won’t need to search the archives. Mainly because there are none left. The cupboard is bare!

Poised

Poised for action. I’m at my mum’s tonight, though this was from my last visit. Whenever I stay here I wear by dad’s dressing gown. It is soft and comfortable and sets me up for the day.